A Toast to (Younger) Men

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I remember my first bachelor hole; a bed-sit. A two-seater couch. Baby Meko. A “fridgerette” that didn’t go above my knees. A bed. A small Samsung TV set. A worn doormat.  Outside the window, maize plants craned their necks into my meagre living room. You can guess my landlady was Kuyu because most Kuyus hate to see an empty garden in their compounds; they just have to plant something on it. But to her credit she was a lovely lady, always sending her son (never her daughter) to bring me fresh tomatoes and sometimes food. I don’t know, but I think she felt a little sorry for me.

Rent was a killer because the neighbourhood was leafy. I was earning 20K and hurling 9K of it on rent. Mom thought I was mad. I didn’t mind. Apart from loving my comfort, I believe that your environment should challenge you. I always said that I wasn’t ever going to squat in a hovel to save money and then have to deal with drunken neighbours coming home at odd hours and stopping outside my door to pee on it while singing Makarena. I sure wasn’t going to live in a place where my padlock was bigger than my ego because I was “starting out.” No, sir.

But what that neighbourhood did was that it always reminded me how far down I was in the food chain. To get a mat I had to walk for twenty minutes through the estate before I reached the road. Rain or sun. Yellow school buses passed me by. Massive juggernauts with tinted windows growled past me, with fat utopic kids perhaps asking their folks, ‘Dad, why is that guy walking?’ Back from jobo, I would run into chaps walking dogs – pure pedigrees- whose meals were more expensive than mine. Large dogs that were washed with shampoo that costed more than my electricity bill. Man, those dogs smelled better than most people I knew, dogs that had personal doctors (vets) while I self medicated over the counter.  And that neighbourhood made me hungry to be better. So I didn’t mind the rent because I wasn’t just paying rent I was paying for aspiration.

Goodness, see how I digress if not checked?

Back to the digo. We all remember your first digs. When it was just you and the world. When you were at the beginning of the road, nay, there wasn’t even a road, it was just you and an open jungle and you had to beat your path through this jungle as you find your truth north. Dreams lived in that house. The ambitions that were churned up in that small space.

You also remember dating (if you can call it that) in that first digs. You remember the rotating door of birds who passed through; the pious ones, the dull ones who were only there on merit of their big asses, the funny ones with average faces, the ones with knock-out faces but who couldn’t get a joke if it snapped their bra-bands, the ones who laughed so loudly the neighbours dogs would start barking, the hot ones who opened your fridge saw only tomatoes and eggs and failed to hide their sneer, the ones who came in short things and said “let’s just talk”, the ones who walked in like they were going to receive the sacrament and left as complete freaks, the drunks and teetotallers, the ones who only agreed to come over when they were on their menses (oh and don’t forget the ones who you suspected lied about those menses), the ones who were abstaining because Jesus disapproves of premarital sex (roll eyes) and then the ones who couldn’t spell “abstain” after two glasses of wine.

Which brings me to the thrust (ahem) of this post; wine.

There is something about wine and seduction. Nobody ever seduced a woman with Gilbey’s gin. (No offense Gilbey). It’s always wine. There is something both lofty and pretentious about wine. It’s the cork. It’s the way she sits on that seat watching you bashfully as you fiddle with the cork, releasing it with a resounding pop, in one smooth motion, like you went to school in bloody France. It’s how you pour that wine in her glass, twisting the bottle in the process and releasing the last drop from the lips of the bottle.  It’s how you bring the glass to your nose, the one that is used to smelling nyam chom at Dago’ most weekends, but not today, today you are Mr. Pseudo-Suave. And you swirl your drink and sniff it, your eyes pompously closed, like you are the connoisseur from Stellenbosch, and you raise your glass at her and you all take a cautious sip it as you stare at her smiling back at you while she thinks to herself “this guy is so not getting laid today.”

You are the guy who says stuff like “bouquet” in reference to the smell of the wine, and “tears” to mean those dregs that remain on the side of the glass. You are the same chap who declares the wine to be “full bodied” as you seductively stare at her full-hips (and lips) that now that black dress now clings to like a bat on a tree.

But very few of us understand wine. Tons think they do – Blankets and Wine chaps. I personally don’t drink wine. That shit makes me feel like I have been anaesthetized for an operation. I just don’t understand it. I guess I’m not cultured enough. But if you are a wine enthusiast and don’t know enough about wine but would like to, because you are that guy who invites a mama over for the whole wine and cheese thing, then Geoffrey is your man.

I’m sorry, you don’t know Geoffrey? Please. Allow me.

Last year I wrote about 26,000 words on just bars alone for my bar column in the Business Daily. That’s about 1,152 doubles of whisky and some 192 litres of bottled water on the job. In all the years I have reviewed bars, I have never met an African sommelier. Forget that South African sommelier at the Capital Club, I mean a miro Sommelier in a bar open to the watus. None. Zip.

Then I met Geoffrey of the Wine Bar and Café, the one just below Brew Bistro? Small intimate place with about 150 types of wine from nine countries. Geoffrey is the guy who you will need to talk to about wines. He will hold your hand. So be it that you want to get a nice bottle for that chick who has finally agreed to come over, or a   birthday present for your female boss because, yes, you are kissing ass, or you are going to a house party and you need to walk in with a bottle for the host, this place will make you look good.

Geoff will also tell you what cheese to carry with the one. How about that? Imagine she comes over and finds a decent bottle of wine bearing a name you are afraid to pronounce and a board of cheese you don’t even eat! The only person who can screw up that evening from then on is you, my man.

When you go to the Wine Shop ask for a Nabilo. Easy to pronounce and even to spell. (In jang that actually means, “I tasted”, and you will if you play it cool). It’s a Sauvignon Blanc. You have to say it in a phony French accent if you have to say it at all. Sauvignon Blanc. If you can’t, don’t even dare. In fact if you are Kao there is a danger you might call it something embarrassing and ruin a great evening for nothing, so please don’t, Muthama. It’s a 2012 bottle.

This bottle is a bottle that knows your agenda. It’s your wing-man. It’s from New Zealand. Geoff told me that in New Zealand the grapes are exposed to more sunlight, which makes the grapes bigger and juicer. Imagine her sipping this bad boy, her face lighting up, gushing her approval and you – phony sneaky you – casually throwing in the line, “ It’s amazing what sunlight can do to grapes.” But you say it with such nonchalance, almost flippantly, that she will tilt her head and look at you curiously, thoughtfully, like she has come to the realisation that she really misread you from the start. Then you know you are 40% in.

The evening might end with her saying; “I had such a great time, see you again soon?” Don’t panic. It’s not all in vain. Don’t make the mistakes we all made in our bed-sits, by pushing the envelope when all we had to do is align ourselves to the direction the wind was blowing. Say sure, most definitely. But that wine will have been like a seed in her veins, and it will grow.

Today is International Men’s Day. Today I celebrate all the young chaps starting out their lives in SQs all over this beautiful city (including Rongai). It’s a beautiful and enviable point to be in your lives. You can bloody take your lives anywhere you want. The slate is clean. You are yet to fuck-up and hopefully learn from that. Don’t waste your life being in a job, get a career now. Save up money, oh boy you will be grateful you learnt how to save early. Exercise, always exercise, eat right, stay healthy and strong because it will make you feel good about yourself, keep diseases at bay and also helps with your libido. Use a condom. Most importantly, manage your alcohol, it will always be there and it will always get better. And lastly don’t be crude. Be nice to people. And some animals. OK, all animals. It’s only if you treat people with respect that they will respect you back. But by Jove, enjoy these years before life –crazed eyed – comes rushing at you.

Happy International Men’s Day to the rest of you gentlemen who stop by here for a chuckle. I appreciate it. Salut.

 

[Photo credit: BYP]

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129 Comments
  1. “Which brings me to the thrust (ahem) of this post; wine.” hahah I see what you did there. 😉

    And this too . “It’s the cork. It’s the way she sits on that seat watching you bashfully as you fiddle with the cork, releasing it with a resounding pop, in one smooth motion…”

  2. Aaaw! that’s the story of my life when I first visited my bf. Its true ……”the wine will have been like a seed in her veins, and it will grow.” Counting 2 years down the line.. Nice piece Biko!

  3. Currently living a similar life as you described, although i part with much more for rent but i suspect my bedsitter is smaller than yours used to be. Still trying to make ends meet but i am yet to find the ends..Wrote about it here –>https://pmakau.wordpress.com/2014/10/18/yours-truly/

  4. In fact if you are Kao there is a danger you might call it something embarrassing and ruin a great evening for nothing, so please don’t, Muthama. It’s a 2012 bottle.

    :’D

  5. That shit makes me feel like I have been anaesthetized for an operation. I just don’t understand it. So super finished by that line!!!

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  6. Haha, this took me way back to my first digs too. I, however, never used wine, flavored vodka works – errr, worked for me back then. Happy International Men’s day to you too.

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    1. Boy ooh boy!..I could write a book,but i still believe those four walls were the best place there is in this world!..mines was all soft and cushy,no seats no bed no tvs..just throw cushions,a biiigmattress,a bookshelf,yesI lovebooks much,a feidge anold stereo from paps,and yes,atwo burner cooker.

  7. Nice one Biko. i remember them all and particularly those who walked in looking holy and but ended up as freaks in other places.

  8. Thanks for that man..this shows that everything starts somewhere. That even you,with this enviable blog and all the achievements, started from the rut. Its confirmed that every expert was once a beginner.

    That line though, “ It’s amazing what sunlight can do to grapes.”, is hilarious.

    Salut Biko!!!

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  9. Is it just me or is this post pure goldmine?! Too much insight in your words Biko..

    This made my female workmate chuckle..then roll her eyes,abit>>>There is something both lofty and pretentious about wine. It’s the cork.It’s the way she sits on that seat watching you bashfully as you fiddle with the cork, releasing it with a resounding pop, in one smooth motion, like you went to school in bloody France

  10. Good read Biko. Takes me back to my starting days. Even with my 25k salary I did not live in the suburbs like you did and neither did I save. I wish I had read this blog then. Sigh!!

  11. “Don’t panic. It’s not all in vain. Don’t make the mistakes we all made in our bed-sits, by pushing the envelope when all we had to do is align ourselves to the direction the wind was blowing.” Very true Biko. Then you are 40% in. or 50%

  12. dude you have taken me way back, and the sixteen you mentioned I recall each by name. you surely have made my day. too bad I can no longer try the 40% in buiz, but am sure when am in bad books I can pull it on mama wa nyumba

  13. Takes me back to my SQ days in Ngummo, I called my 1 roomed paradise ‘the slaughterhouse’
    Now I am a happily and newly married man 🙂 but this post reminded me of the days of freedom and living wild, good one.

  14. Real nice sir, Maybe in the grand scheme of things, the man who walks your daughter down the aisle will read this smile sheepishly and thank you for the great heads up.

  15. Apart from your artistic use of words, on this one you have thrown some slices of advice here and there. Yet another great read – thanks.

  16. Boss, have had quite a number of good evenings with a bottle of Gin (Gilbey’s) and a lovely woman by my side.

  17. Starting life a new is never easy for most dudes especially if you were a Mama’s boy. But at some point in life you have to move out of your parents home and be on your own. I remember when I started tempting with alcohol, I was always forced to tip toe back at home so that no one notices that am tipsy. But guess what 25 years that time there is nothing new you can tell your father. He will get a wind of it. Sometimes we could even go to the extent of eating a lemon fruit with its peels to conceal alcohol’s after-breath but wapi!

    When i got tired of confining myself into a prison with my social excursions I decided that I am moving out no matter what. My uncle would have none of it but out of the big head I did what I thought was in the best interest of all. Imagine coming home drunk in the ungodly hours of the night whom do you knock the door for to open it because you do not have as many rights as the real owner of that house. Afterall you are just a squatter with very limited rights actually curtailed rights.

    Its big up to guys who have started in some SQ somewhere in a known address.

  18. I did not even know such a holiday existed. But if I have to buy Nabilo, I will have to bilo you kidogo
    http://www.magunga.com/the-real-bachelors-of-langata/

  19. The evening might end with her saying; “I had such a great time, see you again soon?” Don’t panic. It’s not all in vain. Don’t make the mistakes we all made in our bed-sits, by pushing the envelope when all we had to do is align ourselves to the direction the wind was blowing. Say sure, most definitely. But that wine will have been like a seed in her veins, and it will grow.

    It’s a Sauvignon Blanc. You have to say it in a phony French accent if you have to say it at all. Sauvignon Blanc. If you can’t, don’t even dare. In fact if you are Kao there is a danger you might call it something embarrassing and ruin a great evening for nothing, so please don’t, Muthama.

    I was unable to hold it back and burst out in the midst of an important event. Excellent piece that I am sure spoke to all men, both upcoming and those who have been there.

    Lastly, all young men should heed this advice:

    Most importantly, manage your alcohol, it will always be there and it will always get better

  20. Hahahahah…Best thing I’ve read in a while!
    Now to hope this kinda HOT man in word materializes in Deed..My abstinence spelling days can end!…
    And Bloody put up the kick-ass logo already…

  21. Its the first time i’m reading your articles…I love the intelligent sense of humor….It got got me reading the whole article word for word….Kudos… 🙂

  22. Beautifully written article and it resonates with my soul..the choice of the area of abode, the dogs and in my line of duty i use these words almost on a daily basis, “with our international selection of cheese, would you like to pair that with a glass from our award winning vintage wines.” hahahaha 😀

      1. My first post here was that of Tamms packing her belongings to go and visit your sister who then lived 3 round-abouts away (if i remember well) and I haven’t missed a post since! Just that sometimes i don’t have comments on subjects like motherhood (social media moms hehehe) and i haven’t been denied a visa before 😉 Like fine wine, your writing gets better with age. Am here to stay

  23. always appreciate a good read… satirical, sarcastic or just downright informative and inspiring. happy belated Men’s day to you tok good Sir.

  24. Great read! Great insights!

    But the wine is Nobilo, not Nabilo. Just incase Geoff sends people back to you. And the 2013 vintage is out already 🙂

  25. “oh and don’t forget the ones who you suspected lied about those menses.”Talk about getting beaten at your own game.

  26. Nice piece Biko…I’ve met Geoffrey too. The first thing I noticed is that he barely moves his lips while speaking, it’s like his words come straight from the vocal cord. He advised me to try the 8 teaser and it worked like magic.

  27. nice piece.reminds me of my cuzos red kryptonite gift to the ladies…..Monis Muscadel….’ Panty remover’ his words not mine

  28. Oh Biko, If only you wrote everything I read…including school books. I would be so addicted. As I am now. To your blog. 🙂

  29. Don’t we all remember that bedsitter? Unless you messed up with the landlady’s daughter and the matter ended up being solved at the assistant chief’s office…..

  30. Nice read, Biko why roll eyes at the ones abstaining because of their beliefs, to each their own. You will want your daughter to hold on to that belief when she comes of age, I want to believe.

  31. deal with drunken neighbours coming home at odd hours and stopping outside my door to pee on it while singing Makarena.
    This just floored me. This is just the mother of all pieces, hilarious, educative, very very real. However is it possible to pee and sing makarena……thea’s no flow in the rythm and deed IMO…..lemmi just stop there. Day made.

  32. “There is something both lofty and pretentious about wine. It’s the cork.” hahaah.
    Really Biko???
    I wish I could find a man who offers me wine. Most just give you flavored vodka *ahem* so you both of you can “loosen up” (their words, not mine) faster ….

    Great piece 🙂

  33. You made me smile a lot, nice piece of work…….couldn’t put it better, Every word in your writing brought the past in the present and visioned like a movie…….you have scored!!!!! Cheers and To all men “Happy international men’s day”

  34. Salut! Always enjoy reading your pieces. The description of the “birds” cracked me up. And oh…I love my wine. Will look for that Nabilo.

  35. I’m probably one of the newer members of the gang, sorry Gang. I wonder where I have been all this while missing out on the witty humour, sarcasm and all things in between.
    I like the new look with the ‘Related’ section. It helps in getting through all your previous articles. Like, it’s when I’ve read ‘Beetles and Goodbyes’

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      1. Hahahahaha that be Miss, Biko. Was trynna put ummmff to ‘Rahab’ #flop
        You will realize I will put the names back together 🙂

  36. The pretentiousness of wines! Americans sorted this by having 2 choices: shiraz and chardonnay which is red and white,period!

  37. Haha such a nice read brings lots of memories…my big bro was nick named makarena while in primo, guess that was his jam back then,you’re too good. bless

      1. Hello former roommate! thanx for amazing pieces of writing.

        However, if you think that wine from New Zealand is the best, you better try other varieties from the vineyards of Dodoma, in Central Tanzania. Grown organically in the tropical, rich and uncontaminated soils, Dodoma grapes are the best in the world today. U can bet on that bro!

        1. Mzee wa “gifted hands”, are you now selling Tanzanian wine? What happened to media? Thanks for stopping by here, baba.

  38. Hahaha…I am forever greatful to my friend Allan for introducing me to your blog a couple of years back.
    Great read….The menses stunt still works to date. 🙂

  39. Being a young man just about to leave campus, this could not have come at a better time. Biko Zulu, in a few years, you will probably become our very own Bill Cosby, pardon the timing. The things you write about, are the things I think about, and then in turn, are the things my life becomes made of..

    Thank you for your gift.

  40. Just unwrapped my kanew iPad. First site I visit, u ask? bikozulu.co.ke. Cheers master. Will replace a vodka bottle I have with a bottle of wine, see how it works.

  41. Yeah, Wine, women and a Bedsit. I’m currently at this stage of life and you have definitely cemented my suspicions that I will miss this…Great piece!

  42. Good read, takes me way back!But to her credit she was a lovely lady, always sending her son (never her daughter) to bring me fresh tomatoes and sometimes food. Team mafisi

  43. Biko Zulu…yawa thoo…you can make a man cry. Nolstalgia! And I wish you gave me this Nabilo idea like 5 years ago

  44. im a victim of wine seduction sadly..although i dint give it up on the first date. sat there sheepishly thinking”he is so not getting laid today…” although technically he did not stay in a bedsitter..and i thought the pretentious wine thing was soo cute…i like it when men put some lil effort.we r still together btw..sigh!!!

  45. Boss great piece as always, pity my “SQ” was in Amboseli, Samburu, Serengeti whichever bush I was at that time…..the birds chirrupped and were up in trees and you could only look at them through binoculars.
    Next time you pass close to integrity house stop for some cappuccino.

  46. Good read bro. I’m a South African from the same province as Steven Bantu Biko. I enjoy sharing your stuff with friends. Keep up the good it is very entertaining.

  47. I’m doing my finals in two hours time. So for the past 10 minutes and even as I type I really should be into my books. But God knows my books aren’t half as interesting as your blog….!!! Should’ve discovered you earlier to re write these less than gripping books. YourAddictiveMan. Great piece. Good laughs:)

  48. ….The ones who come take sacrament and leave…hahah…reminds me of my first Sq in Pangani 6th fl. I could eat unsalted food coz of the stairs but the height helped me filter my visitors. Nice read…but my all favourite was the girl and banana

  49. I’m glad and sad that i got to know about this blog this year. I was introduced to it by a friend. Glad because i was a poor reader, actually a non-reader but now i read, even looking for a book now. Hopefully i can find one with your style of writing, any recommendations?. Sad because what i read here lightens up my days and even changes my perception of some things. That would have happened ages ago. Good stuff man

  50. i have met geof too. And he’s taken me through the perfect match of food and wine pairing and after trying his recommendation it turned out way much more than I had anticipated.

  51. I am back here in 2021, seven years later and still slaps just as good. Yeah we use ‘slap’ now in this era when something resonates. Also, oh hail to moving out this year!