Nairobi Men

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I lived in Kampala (or Champara) for three years. The city on seven hills, they call it. For those three years we tried to have fun on a shoe-string budget, as only students can. We crashed some house parties in the highbrow Muyenga area, flirted with pretty Ethiopian hookers on the bubbly Kabalagala strip during the small hours of Saturday mornings as we headed back to the hostels after a night on the tiles. And we lifted heavy weights in some dark and seedy makeshift gym in the squalor area of Nabutiti while Jose the Chameleon and Madox Ssematimba blared from worn speakers overhead, urging us to beef up our scrawny muscles. Sexy memories. But for all its unrelentingly effervescent night life, I found Kampala somewhat uninspiring by day. A bit lukewarm. It didn’t have that throb that Nairobi possesses, that pace. I think you have to have lived in a different city in the region to appreciate our uniqueness. And unique we were. In Uganda I could spot a Kenyan guy a mile away, they were aggressive and cocky. They took what was due to them and quite often what wasn’t. They felt entitled, yes, that’s the word I was looking for; entitled. And they stuck together, spurred by a common ambition to take over, to dominate. Back here in Nairobi there is an unspoken nomenclature of men, a nomenclature defined largely by influence and money. Money, in Nairobi, doesn’t quite snooze, does it? And influence? Well that never often come with money, not necessarily. Larry King in one of his many exit interviews told some New York Times writer, “I will get the best tables in any restaurant in this city that not even the richest men in the land can, that’s influence.” I loved that. We all seek influence in one way or the other. If you want to see the face of influence hang out with a newspaper crime reporter for a day. Very important people pick their calls, from powerful politicians, top cops, right down to a taxi driver in Ongata Rongai. And these guys get results at the snap of a finger. If you are in a bad jam, any jam, they will get you out of it by calling a number. Or numbers. Influence. Enough of that windy intro. This is about us men who live in Nairobi. This is about who we are in the pecking order. This is about our uniqueness and our quest for dominance and money. And how it all defines us. This is also about our limitations us men but better still about our strengths. And this is about sex because, come on, everything in this town is influenced directly or indirectly by sex. Think about it. Introducing the Nairobi man… The Magician Do you ever meet those guys who never seem to do anything in this town but seem to be doing well? Come on, you must know them. I know this guy, let’s call him Mark. Mark lives in Kileleshwa (but then again, everybody seems to live in Kile nowadays, it’s like you get a tax cut when you live there) and he drives a Subaru Imprezza. Every time I run into Mark – mostly, at Java Upper hill – he is usually meeting someone, a laptop humming between them. Mark dresses sharp and talks sharp. Carries two phones, one which is normally a Blackberry. Mark is what you’d call a metro-sexual; scrubbed up good. He says he “runs” this town, like he’s Jay Z or some shit. He’s a subtle braggadocio, dropping names shamelessly, talking about what deal’s he’s about close. Or the million shilling check he’s expecting from a job he did. But the question Mark never answers, and which perhaps is the most important question is; “What do you do for a living Mark?” Thing with guys like Mark is that they are never doing as well as they want to make you believe. Their validation comes from the car they drive, the women they date and where they drink. Life to them is about image, and they wring it dry. And they are very secretive and vague about their lives. Once in a while, Mark (if he feels he knows you well enough) will call you and ask for 5k, payable when “my cheque clears next week.” Give him; he will normally pay you back… when pigs start flying. Mr. Self Made First time in Nairobi was when he joined main campus. Or UoN as it is sweetly abbreviated. He joined because he deserved it, not because his parents were rich enough to force him into that Parallel learning thing that has now cheapened degrees. He joined because he got an A- in high school. Shit. He comes from some little nondescript village, let’s work with, what, Kisii? Mom sold bananas and pineapples to send him school fees. He always knew that only education would give him his breakthrough, and he knows what poverty is. In campus, chicks ignored him, because he didn’t wear Fubu (hey, that was hot in the 90’s) He must have gotten laid about thrice the whole of his university days. Ok, make that twice, the third one doesn’t count, that chick came visiting from Kisii. But as such stories work out lady luck smiled at him; he finishes and lands a job with a multinational. He gets a swanky pad in Lavington. He buys a Prado VX. He starts drinking Heineken. Last week he was in Geneva. Next week he is off to Istanbul; Business Class all the way. If you don’t believe him, check out his pictures in Facebook. He’s balling. He shops at Burtons in Village Market, but although his shoes cost a staggering Ksh 52,000 it doesn’t show. It’s how he wears them. You can’t buy style. He isn’t suave or anything and money hasn’t quite taken away the roughness around the edges. But you can tell he’s knee deep in the cheese. Chicks that used to sneer at him start crawling out of the woodwork. They say they love his goatee. Now they find him funny. Now they describe him as “very interesting.” They now want the man from the small village in Kisii. But he is smart, he knows the score, he knows they are batting for his money and he makes them earn it in exchange for sex. He only dates hot chicks, chics who were created by a different god, a god in a very good mood. He’s one of those guys you will meet at Mercury lounge, a bit unrefined but always running some extremely bewitching woman. And he dates them for a few months, and then he moves on. Money has given him the power of choice. This is the kind of guy who looks in the mirror every morning and staring back at him is a man who is slightly bewildered at his good fortune. Heart of the party I know of a guy with the most brilliant personality. If I had half his personality and brains I wouldn’t be writing this blog, I would be writing for The New York freakin Times. The thing with this guy- and many guys like him in this town – is that he has nailed the art of schmoozing to a pat. He knows how to get his foot through a door, any door. There is nobody he can’t shake down. There is nothing he won’t get if he wants to. He has never paid entrance fee to any shindig in this town. He has positioned himself in such a way that the right people know him. It’s not like he dresses real sharp, or even drives a serious car, no, but when he starts talking you will listen, and then you will remember him. His knowledge of current affairs is on point, his analysis of things is erudite but chatty and he is funny. This kind of guy is also very dysfunctional; parties hard, hardly ever holds a job for long and doesn’t care for a three year plan. What three year

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plan? He is not attached to anything in this world, he will change house on a whim, he will sell his phone if he has to, he will change jobs without notice. He’s a man constantly in motion, and he doesn’t know what inertia is. And you should see him turn women into putty; he looks into their eyes like they are the only two people in the room, he remembers their names and even the name of their pets, and he always tells them they look gorgeous even if it’s obvious that they aren’t. But he gets bored of them very quickly especially when they start asking, “So who is Julie and don’t you think that hug went on for a little too long?” These guys mostly are broke because they live their lives for the moment, but you won’t mind buying them a drink when you meet them because they are tons of fun. Joe Hustler Do you want 1000 bags of cement by tomorrow afternoon at 20% discount? No seriously, do you? No? Ok, do you want 38 top of the range blackberries at almost half the price? Don’t ask where they are from, do you want or not? Sawa, what about an acre of land in Juja at Ksh 1.1mil, nice location? You know that the city is spreading out, no? Do you want four Russian pole dancers for your bachelor party? Those are the questions that this guy deals with everyday. Nakumat stole their slogan from him; you need it, Joe’s got it. He doesn’t have an 8-5 job, oh no, that’s for dorks. He’s not a big wheeler deeler, but he wheels and deals. He folds his sleeves and he isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. He will meet you at The Crowne Hotel if you want, but he also won’t hesitate to meet you in some dingy spoon of Mfangano Street. Money is the denominator that matters in his life. He talks fast, and thinks even faster. Joe Hustler is a real hustler; forget those blue eyed boys who run around Nairobi selling computers bragging that they are hustlers. He might be living in South B, or C. He drives a simple Toyota, maybe a Premio. Joe practically lives in that car. He operates three phones, all old and battered. This Joe guy doesn’t have a lot of time for women, romance isn’t something he takes too seriously, so you won’t hear him asking you, “So, which the best restaurant I can take this chick I met for dinner?” No, that’s a question Mr. Self Made would ask. Mr. Silver Spoon This is the kind of guy who was born privileged. He doesn’t know where Tom Mboya Street is. The one time he was in town center was in 2004 and that’s only because he was chasing a very hot girl from the “wrong side of the tracks” and she wanted him to pick her up in town at 10pm. You should have seen him, he thought he would get shot in town and his dad’s Jaguar jacked. Hehehe. He thought Kimathi Street was so damned dangerous, like it was downtown Mogadishu or something. He went to Ivy League schools before being shipped out to some University abroad which didn’t help him much academically because all he came back was an accent and an addiction to booze and hedonism. This guy constantly talks about his father. He talks about their businesses. He lives in one of his father’s apartments, rent free. He doesn’t know how much fuel is, hell he can’t imagine people actually make a fuss when fuel goes up by a shilling! He has never worn mitumba in his life. What is that? He doesn’t work, okay, he does but in the family business where he shows face when he isn’t hangied, which is hardly ever. He changes cars every year. This is the kind of guy who is so insulated from the realities of life and of living in this town, a utopian existence which sometimes you can’t help admiring, albeit fleetingly. Small-time hood This is the most annoying guy. Annoying because he’s not who he says he is, who he projects to be. When you have put together his salary and his side hustle he doesn’t pull more than 100k a month, but he lives like he pulls 350k. He drives a car he can’t really afford, perhaps a used Subaru Forester (the loan is literally killing him), he lives in Kileleshwa (hehehe), he used to drink Tusker but he switched, now he drinks Sierra beer not because he loves the taste but because of it’s status, plus he loves its TV ads. This guy is defined by who he knows and what he did over the weekend. He will borrow money to seduce a woman, and he seems to pick the ones who are impressed by glitz and lights; the ones who are also in shameless pursuit of affluence. He never misses Blankets and Wine or Concur De elegance*, always pitching up in his huge-ass shades, white linen pants, 8k loafers and sometimes this is the kind of guy who will be hanging on to a leash which at the end of it trots a white designer dog. Poor dog. He will update his Facebook with cheesy words like, “Just got off the phone with Fidel Odinga, the plan for the weekend is so on!” Of course he’s lying; Fidel doesn’t know his ass from Adam. But you should see the 100 or so chicks breathlessly comment on that update, “Can I come?! Can I come?!” You can tell this guy’s level of vanity when you visit his Facebook photos which are updated almost daily with pictures of where he was and with who. This guy has more pictures on his Facebook than most campus girls do. He updates his profile at least four times a day – that number goes up over the weekend. He doesn’t like twitter very much because twitter limits his word count. This guy’s friendship is defined by how good you can make him look in terms of status, so that means he will throw you under the bus at the drop of a hat. If you want to know how it feels like to keep a hyena as a pet, befriend this guy. *** My word count on this post has run out, so I will anchor it. But let me say one thing. Being a man in this city is daunting. It’s a great a challenge and to stay afloat you have to do what you have to do. You do what floats your boat and anybody who finds a problem can suck your toe. It’s the defining maxim because people will always judge you, even if you are doing the right thing, so eff it and do what makes you happy. Life is short. But still our destinies, as men, in this town is shared, and all the guys above are chasing what they have to; fame, affluence, sex, love, approval because it makes them feel complete at the end of the day, even if it also makes them look pathetic and sorry.   Ps. I’m looking for a buyer for my car. It’s 1995 Toyota Corona, you know the ones with a huge ass? She’s old, a KAN but she has kept herself well; alloy rims, music system, speakers and the works. She’s 1800cc. an ST190 engine. She smells good. She is white. I mean, in color not race. She’s been very good to me and if you treat her right she will be good to you too. I’m letting her go for Ksh 345k. She’s called Juanita, but you can call her whatever you want to call her when you buy her. If interested or know anyone who is, flip me an email: [email protected]

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102 Comments
  1. “He must have gotten laid about thrice the whole of his university days. Ok, make that twice, the third one doesn’t count, that chick came visiting from Kisii.”

    hehehe

  2. Monday’s dose has come early enough and am hoping the week is blessed already. Am lost in between the Mr. Silver Spoon guy and the Mr. Small-time hood guy.

    Very sad you are letting Juanita go after serving for you that long. It feels like letting go of a long serving house girl who has been with you for like a decade….

  3. “He must have gotten laid about thrice the whole of his university days. Ok, make that twice, the third one doesn’t count, that chick came visiting from Kisii”…hahahahahahahahahaaaa!

    But there is another category of men in Nairobi. The Good Guy. Well, he has his weaknesses, but this is the kind of man who went to a good school, landed a decent job, doesnt drive an X5 or a Subaru, but a simple Toyota bought fifth-hand. Married to a childhood or college sweetheart, doesnt cheat on her (like is the trend in Nairobi, I think)…works hard to feed his family and put a roof over their heads. To him, long-term planning is key: save to buy a plot somewhere and build a house, save for retirement…keeps a few close friends who he has a few beers with once in a while…goes to church every now and then…dull life? Maybe.

    Being a man in Nairobi requires balls. Its all about feeding the ego, about the Don, about people looking up to you, whether you made it the clean way or make it the other way. The threat of being labelled a failure is enough to make a man fake it till he makes it. Dont blame Joe, he’s just being a man.

    Great post, as usual!

  4. haha. It’s not strange that I know all the above type of men. About Juanita, sure you don’t know a Joe Hustler to help out in cutting a deal? 🙂

  5. @LMAO your car is called Juanita ;-)….I didn’t imagine my name would inspire you that way ;-). Very very very good post.

  6. being a guy is really hard. the last guy is one mean pig you so don wanna meet. Liked the part on the silver spoon kid, seems they’re on the rise….. the think blueband is a kind of a tae-kwon-do ranking, like in black belt. they only do mayonnaise. Good stuff.

  7. I could not help thinking that I have fell victim to some ‘magician’ friend who lives in Kile…I’m still waiting for the pigs to fly, LOL!

    And, hey, do not hate the hood mate, some of us lived there once. Remember!!

  8. Do you want 1000 bags of cement by tomorrow afternoon at 20% discount? *Dead*

    ‘…..Juanita…’ So what are you, Joe? Am crossing my fingers that you won’t have cement for sale next time.

  9. Of all your characters I like Joe Hustler!
    His idea of a date is him picking madam on his way to Juja to get nappier grass for his fresian in Syokimau and grabbing supu-ya-kichwa na chapati on the way back in some kibanda at mololongo as he check out soko ya miraa!

    Great work Biko!
    …which one wears those coloured tight trousers and mohawk?

  10. Ogambachi Ssebo! This blog is point on because strangely I know and can name all these types of men.
    The most annoying for me is the magician, having attempted to do biashara with a number of them and landing nowhere I can safely spot one a mile away and walk in the opposite direction, experience is a damn good thing.

  11. I’m gonna sue you for hate speech on men from Kisii, that is hitting below the belt…that is harmfully truthful…but funny nonetheless.

  12. I can recognize several of these Nairobi guys in fact I follow one ‘Small Time Hood’ on twitter who can’t avoid mentioning that he is tweeting from an Nokia N8!!!

    Good stuff if you charged for your blogposts you could make a tidy sum seriously

  13. ….hahahahah..cant stop laughing man,you got ya shit well put together bro…but the question mark never answers,and which perhaps is the most important is..what do you do for a living mark?this piece is loaded i tel you…ya choice of words and the word play is amazing…this blog makes my monday.keep it up.

  14. Dying with laughter in the office. Had to read some exerpts aloud to my colleagues. Are you Joe Hustler[ pun intended]? Great read as always.

  15. I waited all day for this post and it was worth it. Joe the hustler is so on point coz i am married to one.

    Juanita, thats a cute name.

  16. Gotta love your way with words.

    Upperhill, nice place. The Java branch there was strategically placed. Too good.Then there’s Don Bosco located there. And some famous place families go for lunch or jst to chill around there. U know, actually, i should just move to Upperhill. Great place. Not overrated. And to die for.

    “Braggadocio” me lyk!!!

    UoN, i also think that abbv. is too dope!

    And yes, Kile is as overrated as Westy. It’s a no for me. Biko, make sure u do a version for chics. Would like to read abt them. Coz i know quite many who are the female version of the small-time hood guy.

    @Karuu, househelps? Don’t think i’ll ever do househelps. Unless i start a family and i’m really desperate. How do u guys even go to bureaus (sp) and just pick anyone to take care of ur household? or is there some criteria?

    @Janice, wassup!!! hehehe.

  17. Great piece Sir Biko(do you like the sound of that?).
    @Wechy, a female version would be awesome to read as long as you include the not so cool chics you have dated as well for humour 🙂
    Am certain the likes of Anita, Janice, Emma & Co. will be reading and hoping you don’t expose them…ladies what say thee? 🙂

  18. @Martin, I believe Biko did post an awesome piece on women last month. I so look forward to your suggestion, no worries whatsoever and am certain Biko will include my pics 😉 hot and always sexy to accompany the article. Nairobi women here we go…….Nairobi men be on the look out 🙂

  19. @Bikozulu, your car has a huge ass????LOL. you have made my evening and my girlfiends are all rolling on the carpet. Can I buy you a drink (not tequilla) soon? 🙂

  20. Good stuff. I think there r a some, albeit very few ‘mr. Kawa’ woishe, the guys in the daily grind jus tryin to make an honest livin….and jus for the life of the do not have the contacts to link them to beta things,but are forever hopeful…..

  21. @bikozulu I thought Nakumatt stole that strap from Kinywa,your tie guy from your earlier post ‘Tiesaster’,now they’ve stolen it from Joe?

  22. Good staff Biko, actually all the men you mentioned I’ve meet them in one way or another in this life and I still find then in most cities I’ve been but u described them very well. The saddest thing is you letting off Juanita I wish you could keep her for classical memories I think she will be worth while after-all.

  23. Good one. Being a dude in Nairobi. Maisha ngumu…Like this one and the one for Women

    http://bikozulu.wordpress.com/2010/12/06/women/#comment-1228

  24. They took what was due to them and quite often what wasn’t” thats why am headed to Kampala this year to see if money can snooze

  25. 1) Alice the Alcoholic.
    Most of her facebook statuses are about how she is going to get wasted, got wasted, or missed work coz she slept till midday on a Tuesday. Proudly says how she has a whisky ( this lot have long ago graduated to serious drinks not these ma-blackices) gin and tonic or tequila with her lunch. Buys her own drinks, has a nice job, 3 ton chip on her shoulder.

    Chances of being a good wife or girlfriend…nil.

    2) Betty the Bitter Single Mum.

    At every table, in every bar or restaurant in this country, there is a

    bitter single mum. She casually calls the father of her kid ‘ bastard’

    and has man issues that would make FIDAs most male bashing lawyer look like a geisha. Men are dogs, she says. Then spends the rest of the night whining how Kenyan men are too insecure they can’t date a single mum.

    Date-ability depends on how bad her bitterness is.

    3) Cathy the Cougar

    She may be a jeisty Karen wife, or a shrubbing farmer from Nyeri, but
    increasingly Kenya’s dating scene is becoming the hunting ground for old women with money to burn on young men.

    Don’t be fooled. She only wants you for your body. You aren’t allowed to
    shag anyone else and must be at her beck and call. If at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday she calls you up and tells you to meet her…you move your fucking ass chap chap.
    Your mum would have a heart attack if she found out you are doing her.

    Your bank manager would have a heart attack if you stopped doing her.
    If you manage to rock her world, she will ask you to marry her. Good
    luck having any respect in society.

    4) Dorothy the Divorcee
    Her ex-husband shagged anything in a skirt. Now she is in the market
    earnestly trying to show him up. Prefers more mature and working men.
    Your future prospects depend on how much one man’s trash can really be
    another man’s treasure.

    5) Emma Evil
    Mean, rude, stingy and unfortunately gorgeous as hell. Knows she is
    beautiful and thinks that gives her carte blanche to do whatever she
    likes. Has no concept of guilt or remorse. You wouldn’t be surprised if you found a human skull and occult paraphernalia in her wardrobe.

    6) Fifi the Freak
    She certainly is very…ahem…popular. Goes home with a different guy
    every friday and you know at least seven of your pals whom she has been with. Boss, stay away from this chick, unless you don’t mind getting rashes in personal places.

    7) Gladys goody-two-shoes.
    Every sentence has one of these words. ” church, pastor, bible,
    salvation, sin, holy, no.”
    She is the girl with the ankle length skirts, bible in her handbag, who won’t meet you in a bar coz it’s a sin, goes for prayer meetings every night and carries anointing oil with her.
    Unless you are actually a committed Christian man looking for a wife,
    stay away from her or risk being struck by lightning.

    8) Harriet the Hustler
    We all know at least one chick like this. She is always on her phone,
    talking in machine-gun speed vernacular doing deals about plots, kukus or farm produce.
    Can sell you anything you want from a car to a tractor to an eighth in
    rongai. Just give her five minutes and some airtime.
    Annoying as girlfriends this lot make better wives, as long as you know that while cheating is forgivable, losing her money is not.

    9)Immaculate, who is anything but immaculate.
    Spent her early 20s living it up, being shagged by politicians and
    musicians. Now in her late 20s/ early 30s she is turning a new leaf and is looking for a husband.
    She has changed all her friends, uses her middle name so that her former identity doesn’t get discovered, joined a conservative church and is practicing secondary virginity.
    We all have a past, so if you are a mature and forgiving, understanding man…date her. But most men are shallow hypocrites who run for the hills when they find out she was once sexetary to the cabinet.

    10) Jane the Joker
    28 years old. No job. No income. Lives with her parents. Didn’t finish
    University, is always doing some weird short courses.
    Has no drive but drives a souped up car. Thinks daddy will always be
    there to provide. Wants a rich man to make her his housewife. Doesn’t cook, clean or talk to poor people.

    11) Kate from Karen
    Snobbery in designer jeans. Kate only mixes within ‘her social class’.
    Prefers twitter to facebook and tells you to your face that she rejected your friend request ” coz we just work together, I mean, it’s not like we are friends friends. But we can still do email.”
    Your car must be German, clothes Italian and she will not show up if
    the restaurant isn’t Japanese or Turkish. Has never been east of moi avenue. Holidays in Bali while you holiday in Nyali.
    Date her if you are old money. You may get away with being new money so long as it’s a lot of new money.

    12) Laura Loud-Mouth
    Gossips like a fishmonger’s wife. Everything and anything you tell her
    will soon be public knowledge.
    Has a loud annoying voice, loud annoying laugh and only an idiot would
    date her let alone marry her.
    Has no real friends, loves being the centre of attention and
    conversation.
    Is a pathological liar.

    13) Moody Molly
    One minute she is all rainbows and butterflies the next she is a tsunami of anger and tears. Her extreme mood swings scare you and you instinctively move back slightly if she has a knife, even if it’s a bread knife in a restaurant.

    14) Nelly the clingy Nag
    She calls you at 6 to say good morning. At 8 to find out if you got to
    work okay. Sends you three texts, writes on your wall and calls you twice before lunch, She always wants to be with you and gives you annoying pet names.
    Goes ballistic or naggy when you say you can’t see her.

    15) Sally Shagzmodo
    ‘Wow djon, ndhis is a ravry les-toe-lant.’
    Hotter than a Somalia summer you try and ignore the mother tongue
    interference, accent and weird perfume.
    You focus on the hourglass figure, flawless skin and hope to heaven that she won’t ask the maitre d if she can have some ugali rather than spaghetti with her meatballs.

    16) Tanya Too-Good-To-Be-True
    She cooks like a chef, has a hot figure, sharp mind and good sense of
    humor.
    She loves football and rugby, your boys like her, your family adores her and ever since you met her your life has been perfect.
    Extensive background checks have revealed nothing untoward about her
    past, she comes from a good-normal family, is loving and will make a great wife and mother.

    Run. This chick will sacrifice you to some idol somewhere in karura
    forest.

    17) Vivian the Virgin
    After being in C.U. all thru high school and university, Vivian has
    decided she now wants to taste the forbidden fruit.
    But only if you are going to marry her. As in, you have met her parents and started bride price negotiations.
    She talks about marriage on the first date.

    18) Wendy the Wannabe
    Wendy name drops, has fb pictures of her with famous people and is
    constantly looking for the next celebrity event or club opening.
    Within two minutes of meeting you she has already asked what you drive, where you live and where you work.
    If you answer you don’t have a car, live in eastlands and are tarmacking she will sneer, despite the fact that all three are true for her as well.

    19) Yasmin
    Yasmin is a muslim. She may even wear a buibui. But when she comes over to your house she drinks alcohol and eats pork. No pun intended.
    Okay, pun intended.
    She wont be seen with you in public and if her dad finds out an infidel has taken the fidelity of his daughter there will be a fatwa and jihad on your ass.
    Marrying her means changing religions.

    20) Zipporah Manzi wa Mtaa
    Listens exclusively to genge, knows every matatu on their home route
    down to the specifications of the music system.
    When you suggest watching Karate Kid at the cinema she tells you not to waste 2k, you can get a dvd of it for 50 bob, buy some nyama and
    napoleon brandy and watch it at home.
    You don’t know whether to be happy or sad

    1. Rumpeltilski,I hope you have a blog.If you do,kindly give me the link.I love your writing as well.

  26. Sigh, Pple we are here coz we love Jacksons writing.

    Posting a whole of your own little story version on comments?? Really??? Is it just me???!!!

    Suggestion: Start your own little bloggie and post link here, we will look at it if we feel like.

    NKT!

  27. @Rumpeltilski, this is just the funniest analysis I have come across in ages. You should team up with biko and combine your wits. Am still stuck on the Kate from Karen summary and just don’t want to finish this read.

  28. @Gabrielle, take a chill pill. If you don’t like any comments, skip it some of us read and enjoy, what we don’t like we don’t bother with 🙂 This Blog belongs to all of us and I believe Biko appreciates every contribution. So please let’s show some respect.

  29. Jonathan and whoever all of us is, it isn’t my fault you are all too easy…ready to lol at anything.

    Respect should be applied on space here. This isn’t ur little notebook.

    And you have no clue what Jackson appreciates here. He will approve anything that isn’t Anita’s crass remarks.

    My point is, if its under comments, comment on his writing don’t write a short story.

  30. Biko, been reading ur blog for the last 3weeks……really good writing. Who knew….from kabalagala streets strolling wit roy(wht hapnd2 him) to this…….
    Pretty gud, looking forward every week…..they r hilarious

  31. @Gabrielle, can you just get off this blog and stop behaving like Biko has appointed you to be his Corporate Affairs Director. We are all good with ALL the comments here, witty, shallow, stale, repetitive and annoying like yours!!!! Where did you crawl from?

  32. @Gabrielle, shape up or shape out…we have been good before you popped out of the bottle. Leave my name out of your insecure and uncalled for remarks. There are other blogs specifically designed for your kind of remarks and it’s pretty popular so you know!

  33. Ati Juanita is white..not race but colour. **loling**. Mr magician lives by the principle of fake it till you make it.
    Nice read…

  34. Nice. Laughing my arse off. Ofcourse I have to go home with this post on print and look at myself in the mirror with my Sierra errrrrr Tusker and find out who I am not.

    Excellent writing Biko.

  35. Really nice writing. Joe reminds me of this guy in my hood who is a landlord,owns the neighbourhood ‘supa’ and has a muguka(miraa) kiosk behind the market. Sadly,there’s not enough of him around

  36. well, juanita sounds lovely been thinking of that car lately now when will this cash total up to buy it anyway thats hustling n this is a nice post dude

  37. So Biko which of this personifies you? I have heard alot about you and truth be told, I will make every effort to get you and make you the happiest man, forget about what you said about Obama on satmag…you are my Obama 😉

  38. Sasa Biko

    I know you, manze I’m a HUGE HUGE fan of your work. I’m in campus doing communication studies I and many many jamaas here in school simply worship you! Niko serious!

    I know you must receive many of this from your fans but i have an interest in journo and I was wondering if you could be my mentor in writing? Is it possible or it’s a dream i need to wake up from. Si i will be grateful if i hear from you, even to say no.

    1. Felix, thanks for the hoorah.

      But listen Felix mate, perhaps your first lesson is to write in English if you want to write in English not all that ” niko serious”, “manze” thing going on up there 🙂

      Nonetheless I don’t mind helping, swing me an email and lets light this candle, no? Cheers

  39. Great writing Biko. My favorite was Women and as I told you my gals and I fell totoally in-love with you because of that piece and we tossed our red wine to you that night 😉
    Just thinking about you excites me……

  40. @ Gabrielle, “And you have no clue what Jackson appreciates here. He will approve anything that isn’t Anita’s crass remarks”. Can you do what we all come here to do read and laugh. Get the maize cob out of your ***
    Who are you to Jackson Biko again?

  41. I really have enjoyed reading this post and have been on your blog from 7.30am. My favorites being Nairobi Men, Women, Friday, Men, Coast a people, Kisumu, Yuppie City, Knickers, Tribute, Room No. 5. You are a genius is all I can say!

  42. Hilarious stuff Biko 🙂 Amazing writing style too! Folks are asking which of these guys you are… I’d say ‘Heart of the party’ coz anyone would buy you beer to listen to this kind of story 🙂

  43. Yea. That’s great. That clearly depicts the Nairobi Men and I now understand it better. I think I can gauge myself and see where I fit it.

  44. Ok, Biko, i have mad beef! i posted my comment in response to Janice and Martin waaaay earlier and i can’t see it anywhere. What’s cooking?

    Now, Gabrielle, can you go hang!!!!!!!!!!!!!…enough said.

    Rumpeltilski, *clap* *clap* 101 per cent!!! Apart from the main post, urs was one hell of an analysis.

    1. Bitter Single Mum….wololos!!!! Bitter to the end!

    2.Kate from Karen…hehehe, read this and one particular pal of mine just popped in my head. Sooo true! Once asked how her friend who’s related to a famous guy is doing and she made sure she clarified that the fellow isn’t her friend buuut her cousin! There’s a difference that should be taken note of. hehehe. Anyhoo, Kate is also loud, has been to all the funkiest places and has to let the world know that she’s tip top on Kenyan current affairs!

    3.Zipporah manzi wa mtaa, hahahaha. She’s the queen of ghetto land.

    Thanks Rumpel, good read.

    1. Oh please! I can see why Biko didn’t allow some of your posts (n i dont even know you). Look here, the long ass comment may have been shakesperian for all i care (have’nt read it), but it is still tactless. A tickling leach in the armpit is still a leach.

  45. you hit the nail on the head…there are 1,2 many Joe hustlers where i come from and am not an exemption, It could have not gotten any better now we’ve the Nairobi to contrast with thumps up Rumpeltilski..and to my fellow readers, don’t you think its rather unfair to be both the jury and the judge?

  46. Biko you hit the nail on the head and got it right on this one..there are 1,2 many Joe hustlers where i come from and am not an exemption, it could have not gotten any better now we’ve the Nairobi Lady to contrast with!!thumps up Rumpeltilski…and to my fellow readers don’t you think is rather unfair to be both the jury and the judge?

  47. Gives me a deja vu….I know guys like that,even an MP who has two faces….goes by another name in the underground…an youthly onme at that…eti Edu…n his name isnt Edwin or Edward..!!!
    Dont ask me who he is,though!!
    Great piece!!

  48. Mr Self Made reminds me of this quote from Mario Puzo’s Fools Die:
    “A cafone,” he said, “is a peasant who had risen to great riches and great fame and tries to make himself a member of the nobility. He does everything right. He learns his manners, he improves his speech and he dresses like an angel. But no matter how beautiful he dresses, no matter how much care he takes, no matter how much time he cleans, there clings to his shoe one tiny piece of shit.”

  49. nce post rumpel but try having ur own blog so that recognition goes to you and from thr u can tell just wat ur writing is worth.good read tho keep it up!

  50. “He joined because he deserved it, not because his parents were rich enough to force him into that Parallel learning thing that has now cheapened degrees.”
    Relly Biko, i.ve loved all of your words so far but this statement i loathe to my very bone because not everyone in this module has rich-ass parents but justr ones who want a good education for them, YOUR HEAD MUST HAVE BEEN FULL OF shit when you wrote that statement but the rest of the read is good as always.

  51. Love your writing. Not having been home in a few years, I find myself captivated by your descriptions of life, people, experiences that are not uniquely kenyan but quite expressive in themselves. You have a loyal follower from now on. Keep doing what you do!!! Love, love!!

  52. That’s Biko for you, and the reason why I come here like it’s a sacrament…in remembrance of the death of boredom.

  53. I discovered your blog after ‘visa denied’ and I read your posts back to back. My fave post is ‘stories for men’ but this one touched a nerve with me. However, I never remember the title and I have wanted to re-read it so many times but with no luck. I am glad you reposted it on FB.keep them coming chocolate man.

  54. Nice piece Biko.Your articles are my ‘piroton’, I have to read at least one before I sleep. (learned of this blog recently so am going through the old posts).Count yourself as a blessing. Thanks.

  55. Biko, i learned of your blog recently and already am addicted to it. I have great immense respect and love for good literature and I have fallen in love with your writing if not you, Biko. As a writer wannabe, you inspire and motivate me a great deal. Would be an honour to meet you in real life. In the meantime, I could use a mentor, would you appreciate an email from me? Erokamano machon