By Nancy Cherotich
I have never considered myself as a person who has low self-esteem but last weekend I had an experience that almost left my esteem on the floor. It started off with a simple idea – to go out dancing. I deserved a treat and more importantly, it is a way of shedding some kilos. I asked a friend to join me and thankfully, she agreed. I decided to try a club I had never gone to before for the purpose of avoiding temptation. There are some places I enter and I would be served alcohol without me having to make an order and who says no to alcohol that is already on the table? That’s just plain rude.
So limber, excited and ready to hit the floor, I got to the club at around 7 pm and found my friend waiting for me. I ordered for a packet juice and avoiding the disbelief in her eyes, immediately dived into gossip to distract her from the juice and avoid any unnecessary questions.
All was well until around 10 pm, and just as I was starting to believe that it is possible to get through a night in a club without touching a drop of alcohol, a group of men walked in and as fate would have it, they knew my friend. After the normal introductions, they proceeded to join our table, which I did not mind at all, as I believe that when it comes to clubbing, the more the merrier.
As I soon discovered, being sober is not such a good thing when sitting in a club. Your soberness means you pay attention to every single detail and you hear every single conversation. As much as I tried to ignore the words around me and just enjoy the music, I could overhear everything my friend and her friends were saying. The conversation was fine and I was laughing at some of the things they were saying until one of the guys asked my friend why her fat friend was drinking juice. My friend tried to ignore the question and change the topic but I had already heard it. Just as I was picking my jaw from the floor, the relentless guy added that he can never have sex with a woman like me because fat people suck in bed. WHAT?!?
I immediately felt the urge to gulp a whole bottle of whiskey, to try and numb the pain of that statement. Music was playing in the background but all I could hear was whiskey begging me to just take a shot and forget all the nonsense that had suddenly surrounded me. Somewhere behind the whiskey and tequila voices, I also heard him saying how thin women always give mind blowing sex. I finally got the nerve to look at the guy and naturally, what met my eye? His huge Kitambi. I quickly stood up to go to the ladies, partly to catch my breath but mostly to laugh.
I stood in the bathroom, staring at the reflection in the mirror and started to ask myself a lot of questions. Top of the list was ‘What is the SI unit of good sex?’ and who set the standard of what qualified as “mind blowing” sex? I need to know this person so that I can go learn at his/her feet. I also wondered why it was entirely up to the woman to ensure that good sex has been achieved. Does the man have any part to play at all? Do big stomachs on men equate to “mind blowing” sex whereas on women they mean you are lousy in bed?
The mirror did not give me any conclusive answers apart from making me notice that the dress I had on now hung a little looser than before (little dance of joy). Something inside me kept telling me that such a milestone should only be celebrated with a tot of my old wise friend whiskey, who might also have answers to my many other questions. The new disciplined me totally ignored the little devil voice, shook off the anger and, went back to join my friend and her Kitambi friends. It is not cool to call on Jesus when in such places, but I called on him nevertheless, and asked him to take control. Being omnipresent, He answered my prayers immediately. My friend noted that I was not enjoying myself and asked if we should change tables. In response, I grabbed my drinks and moved to another table leaving her to follow.
It seems like Jesus also took control of the decks because just like that, awesome songs started playing. I threw myself onto the dance floor and started doing what had actually had taken me there in the first place. As I was back to having fun again when suddenly, I felt someone gyrating against my back. I totally despise this behavior so I turned to push away whoever it was only to be met by ‘Mr. Kitambi.’ LORD help me. Before I could utter anything he decided to drop this gem “kumbe fat people can dance?” I didn’t consider a response necessary, but I did mention that I do not like people dancing against my back. He then started going on about some lady who was dancing next to me, saying that she should not bother dancing as she had a flat ass. (Dude, have you seen yourself???? You are NOT Idris Elba my friend).
I had heard enough of his crap so I politely asked him to join me outside for a moment which he gladly agreed. Just as I was heading outside, Jesus sensed my ill intentions to rip this man a new one and prompted the DJ to play reggae. My love of reggae drew me back into the club so fast, Mr. Kitambi was left dumbfounded and confused. I on the other hand, acted like nothing had happened. Mr. Kitambi finally regained his composure, followed me back inside and asked if I was okay. My only response was to sternly ask him and his stupidity to leave me alone. (I was very proud that I did not add his Kitambi into that statement).
After lots of dancing, I went home at 4 a.m feeling really good. Immediately I got home I started googling sex and weight. What constitutes good sex? Does weight affect sexual performance? Does exercising enhance sexual performance?
Every week I normally look for an incentive and I had just found one. Some of the things I discovered were laughable, others depressing but I did stumble across some very informative pages. I learnt that to some women, good sex is cuddling after the act – really??? I don’t know what to say to these women apart from, sorry. I quickly started to do some of the exercises I had discovered, and truth be told, I am yet to understand how one is supposed to have sex after such exercises. Probably smaller women can hack it, I do not know. I have developed a funny walking style after the routines and I have thrown away all the heels for now. I am planning to participate in gymnastics at the Olympics once I master some of the moves.
Yes, some of the search results showed that being overweight does affect the libido and can make some styles impossible. It also affects ones esteem and it is suggested that one should dance naked in front of their mirror often to help rebuild self-esteem. I do this religiously every night. I know exactly what got me here, I know where the fries, chicken and beer landed. I do not like my current weight but I love myself too much to let someone else’s words affect me.
I can happily announce that I am out of the 80’s – I am now at 79.5 kgs. Most people who are overweight are well aware that they are. It is good to tell someone to work on it and encourage them to lose weight but being mean does not help at all; it does not even help you sleep better at night. Waking up without a hangover after a night out is fantastic and I intend to do it again very soon.
Onto week five – please be kind to me.