A Prisoner Of Selves


I never allow emails to summon me. I summon them instead. I see them when I’m good and ready to see them, not when they want to be seen. So with no email notification on my phone, I can keep them waiting for me like a truant schoolboy waits outside the headmaster’s office, for as long as I choose.

His email waited until 7am even though it came in shortly after 3am. He must have sent it while lying next to the warm heat of his wife’s sleeping body. Most likely she had her back turned to him, because women are instinctive and she could feel the restless energy of confusion in their marriage. Strangers in bed, as it were. He had most likely sent that email on a whim, having succumbed to his vulnerability; after all, 3am is the hour that we seem to confront our true selves without the noises of life, isn’t it?

It was a strange email; mysterious and hesitant, written and reworded carefully from the bright glow of his mobile. It came from a fake email address, created for anonymity. He said he was 44 years old. He had a compelling story for me – a secret – for the 40s series. But he would only tell it if I promised him complete (written in caps) anonymity, which meant meeting in a place that was private. I knew he wrote it in a moment of weakness and that in the bright light of day and the sobering realities that come with it, he would chicken out and not pursue that conversation further. Although I’m averse to anonymity for these 40s series (what’s to stop someone from spinning a yarn?) I was drawn to his story only by the promise of its mire and so, naked (because I sleep as I was born), sitting at the edge of my bed, I tapped a quick reply from my mobile.


Thanks for this middle of the night love letter.  Flattered that you thought of me at 3am. 🙂 I’m sure you have rethought your email now in the light of dawn, but if you haven’t then I will be keen to meet up. But I need to know what this is about upfront. If it’s about politics, peadophilia, murder or beastiality then I’m not interested.”

Then I walked into the shower to use my new shower gel. I discovered this new  gel that smells like a swarm of yellow butterflies.

A week later, I called Eric Mbugua of Hilton and asked him which days were the slowest at their Pool Restaurant. There was no way anyone I know would run into me there. A few days later, I walked into the Pool Restaurant 30mins before my 6pm appointment with Joe, and stationed myself on one of those awkward seats at the bar, my back to the swimming pool. Then it started raining. A snappy breeze lashed at me. Nairobi’s skyline greyed out behind that sheet of rain. So I grudgingly moved down to the Jockey Pub on the ground floor. I had earlier texted Eric and told him not to come say hello, that my company would be uncomfortable. “Must be a chick,” he remarked and I said, “Yeah, I’m keeping her away from your irresistible charm.”

Have you been to the Jockey Pub? It’s all dark wood and red; red carpet, pictures of jockeys on the wall, booths with red leather seats, a dance floor with a disco ball, horse racing paraphernalia, little promotional materials atop tables announcing deals of 350 bob a beer during happy hours. In short, the kind of place I would run into someone I know and blow the cover of my interviewee.

Typically, no sooner had my ass taken the shape of my seat than I saw a gentleman I knew when I was a teenager and he must have been, what, 4-years? I last ran into him five years ago. He comes over and we shake hands vigorously. He’s all grown now. A man. In a suit. Razor bumps on his chin. Turns out he works here because his name-tag reads: ‘Jacob – IT Manager’ (his “home name” was ‘Rough” even though his younger brother was the rougher one). We catch up on old days. I remind him how small he was.  I ask him if his father still keeps his massive “Moses beard” streaked with silver. He says he’s relocating to Hilton, Namibia. He met a Namibian woman and they have a wedding in three weeks’ time. He’s moving countries for her, uprooting everything here and starting a new life in Namibia. He’s coasting on a flying carpet of love.

“Are Namibian women hot?” I ask him.

“Mine is,” he laughs. I ask to see a picture and he fishes out an iPhone from his right pocket and finds one in the gallery. She is stunning. She has a baby-face and lips that look like that flower that grows in darkness, what’s its name…yeah..Lily of The Valley and she has these small fragile shoulders that belong to the kind of girl who loves to be hugged. Those girls who hug with their eyes closed tight.

You know people who irk me? Those people you show one picture from your phone and they start scrolling through other pictures!  Turns out I am one of those guys and I scroll to see more pictures. There is a video of a beautiful toddler crying on a windswept beach, and a woman telling her something. (“Yeah, we have a one year old daughter” he says). I look at some more of his fianceé’s pictures until I realise that perhaps (perhaps?!) I’m being rude then hand over the phone. (My weak excuse is, who wants to see just one picture of a beautiful thing?)

“Yeah, she is hot,” I say. “You might want to go down and marry her asap.”  

We exchange numbers, and I congratulate him and wish him luck down in Namibia. Then the groom is gone.

I’m seated at the end of the bar counter, facing the entrance at an angle. Jockey Pub doesn’t stock Glenmorangie, so I’ve settled for a bourbon. It’s 5mins shy of 6pm, any moment now my subject will stalk in. I won’t know who he is until he walks up to me. I had told him that he would identify me by my watch; round face, orange in colour, blue, white and orange strap.

I wait.

He isn’t what I expected when he finally stands over me. He gives me a firm handshake and says, “Happy belated birthday. By the way, you don’t look 40.” I tell him, “You don’t look 44, either.”  We sound like post-high school girls in a re-union. He orders a whisky. Naturally we talk about whisky, then we talk about work, then we order another round and he removes his jacket and drapes it over the backrest. He is interesting – cerebral and curious. He asks odd questions like “Would you rather be a duck or an owl?” and then when I say an owl, he plunges into highbrow psychoanalysis. And for all this intelligence and curiosity and awareness, he turns out to be completely unaware of or unwilling to decipher his own feelings because when I finally ask him what his story is so that we get this baby on the road he says, “I’m bisexual…I think.”  

I don’t want to look surprised. Of all the things I guessed his story would be, this wasn’t one of them. I don’t want to change my facial expression, because he’s watching me for a reaction. I wear my poker-face, but I’m not sure what it looks like from his end. Sometimes you might think you have a poker face kumbe you look diarrheic. His admission is the equivalent of a woman asking you to hold her baby for a minute as she buys airtime in the next shop and then disappears. Now you have this baby and you don’t know what to do with it.

“You think?” I ask him. I think I might have chicken for lunch. I think I might spend Christmas in town. I think Dunkirk was a shit movie.

“I like girls for the most part,” he says, “but I sometimes, well, sometimes I have some feelings towards men.”

“I think being bi-sexual is the greatest height of greed. You want the girls and you want the men. I wish you were just fully gay, so that you leave all the girls to us,” I joke to kill this air that has just filled the space between us. He snickers. (Yeah, too soon.)

I want to say something very naive and foolish at this point, and I want you to allow me to. He doesn’t look bi-sexual! I know gays or bisexuals don’t have a uniform look or a particular hairstyle but he is the least likely person I might have thought was bi. Not that he would be walking around with a special hat. Or have his small finger nail painted nude. Or say things like, “totally.” I just…I don’t know, man. He’s manly. He’s as manly as my straight friends. Or friends I think are straight. I won’t describe him because he asked me not to, but when he sits in a bar, he doesn’t look like the kind of person who is confused about their sexuality. He looks like a straight man having his whisky straight with another straight guy.

“Are you uncomfortable?” He asks which is ironic because he looks uncomfortable. “No,” I say, “taken aback, but not uncomfortable.” Then I add, “ I would have been uncomfortable had you covered my hand with yours and said you were bisexual.”

He laughs hard at that.

“But why is this a story?” I ask him. “Come on, let’s admit it, you are hardly the only gay or bisexual man in this city. It’s not a story that excites me, I mean, you have to be more than just a bisexual man. Just being bisexual is a cliché story to me. It’s like doing a story on ambidextrous people.”

To be honest, I start feeling like this was a waste of my time. I could have been home in this rain, writing a long overdue Msafiri magazine article. Or finishing a book I’m reading. Or wondering if I really want to be an owl or might be better off as a duck. But then he says he’s married and starts to talk about a collision of self and then launches into this massive rhetoric of manhood, unpacking it with science, history and biology in ways that I had previously not even thought about because as a man I have never felt the need to investigate my manhood  or rebuild it from back to front. He soon loses me in this monologue and I sit there listening to him with a mixture of admiration of his prose, envy of his erudite deconstruction, growing restless and what starts to feel like distraction.

“Hang on,” I say raising a hand. “Let’s start slow. Don’t tell me these things that I don’t understand, tell me who you are, instead.”

He’s a husband, for more than five and less than 15 years. He’s a corporate man, a suit. He says he manages scores of people and is a respected professional. “I’m good at my job, and many would agree.” He likes sports, played it when he was younger, he sits in bars with his friends when a big match is on. He doesn’t support Liverpool. He has children, he doesn’t want the number disclosed. He ‘s a family man, “I enjoy being a father and sometimes enjoy being a husband, and so it works for me.” He also makes a few things clear to me, so that I don’t box him. “I wasn’t ati molested by an older male relative as a boy, I didn’t have any homosexual experiences in boarding school or university. Those are boxes I don’t  tick. I’ve probably gone through the same middle-class lifestyle like many people I know; born in a city, to a mother who prayed for her family and a father who drove an old Volvo or Datsun or Peugeot.  Worked hard in normal schools to have better grades. University. Tarmacking. Jobs. Marriage. Children. You know what I mean? My counsellor thinks –”

“You have a counsellor?”

“Well, yes, I got one three months ago, total waste of my time, to be honest. I’m more confused now than when I started seeing them. I didn’t want to get someone from Nairobi, because it’s a small town,  so I got one in Nakuru. So sometimes I will take a morning off from work, drive for two hours to go for therapy, drive back and be at my desk in time for a 2pm conference call.”

He says he feels like his hardware is a man’s but his software sometimes goes berserk and he feels the need to constantly “reset” it to factory settings.

“When did this start?” I ask.

“I have been fine all along, I think. I don’t recall my teenage being anything but normal sexually. I liked girls, actually I think I liked girls rather more than my peers did.” Small laugh, swirls whisky in his glass, thoughtfully. “University was okay, but I think my interest in women wasn’t as it was in high school. I dated three women over four years of university, which wasn’t out of the ordinary because I was doing a very tough course and I was immersed in books. I would sometimes look at a man’s physique and linger on it for a bit, but I thought that was normal. But then after university I got a job that had me travel abroad and I had a strange experience in Europe, where one of my colleagues convinced a few of us to go to a gay bar to see, because none of us  had ever been to one. We spent hardly any time there but I remember feeling comfortable in that bar, like I had been there before. I don’t know if I’m making sense?” Another pause, “ Thing is, I went back to the bar the next day, alone. Every time I would travel abroad after that, I would look for a gay bar. It’s almost like I was this person in Kenya and when I got in a plane and landed in Europe I would become this other person, and it confused me. It still does. It’s like discovering something about yourself that you can’t comprehend, something, I don’t know, unnatural, so to speak. Like there are two people living my life.”

We sip our drinks.

“Do you think Toni Braxton is hot?” I ask him.

“Uhm, yeah?”

“Aaarh, you are straight. Now go home.”

We laugh.

“No, but seriously,” I ask him, “what do you really feel about girls?”

“That’s the thing. I like girls. I really do. Every time you write about a woman’s ass, sijui ass like a rainbow, I always chuckle and say, I feel that guy, because I’m an ass guy too…”

“Okay, maybe we are different types of ass guys,” I smirk and he cackles.

“No, seriously, I like the things that normal guys like in women, I like looking at a naked chick’s body. I have been in love before, with women. But still somehow, once in a while I will want to be with another man and it – how do I say this – frustrates me. I don’t understand it….It makes me feel, I don’t know, queer, or different, it changes everything in me, my stability. But at the same time, a apart of my likes it….as much as I try to suppress it.”

“A long time ago I read something about  MSMs, these are men who have sex with men,” I say, “ you could be one.”

“I have heard that term in my counsellor’s office. And that’s the other thing, I don’t want to be explained by a social definition. Am I gay or bi because I sometimes want to sleep with a man? My counsellor thinks I have triggers that make me want to sleep with men…I don’t know.” He looks to me to chip in. I don’t know squat about this topic. But I know I need another drink.

“Another one?” I ask raising my glass. He says no, he’s fine for now.

We stare at a heavyset Egyptian-looking man with hairy hands as he walks in with a thin, petite girl wearing knee-high boots. He leads her to the sitting area at the wall opposite where we are. They don’t seem to be decided about where they want to sit, but they eventually occupy a booth. While the Egyptian-looking man looks at the menu, the girl looks at him with such unfiltered and naked adoration, like he’s the brains behind the Arab Spring.

“I’m at a point of questions in my life. I think everybody gets here; you question your life, you question your career and your relationships, you question your purpose and your successes and you scrutinise your failures closely, maybe a little more closely than necessary [chuckles and sips his drink].”

“So what’s the biggest question you have now, at 44?”

“I think it’s a question of persona, of individuality. Who is this man who likes being with other men? Who have I become and what do I do with this guy? What if I’ve been gay all these years and I didn’t know it? Is it even possible? Who knows these answers? I have read books but books haven’t helped me much.”

“I suppose your wife doesn’t know.”

“No, of course not,” he says.

“And how is that marriage going, are you happy, content?”

“Happy?” He laughs. “I think there reaches a point in marriage where such questions become irrelevant, where happiness isn’t within the marriage itself but in the things around it and about it. I love my children.”

“So you are happy.”

“My children make me happy.”

“Children are not the marriage, they are a part of marriage.”

He smirks. “Well, while they are still a part of marriage, they bring me happiness, and besides, what lasts forever? A new car will bring you happiness until it grows old and starts breaking down, but while it’s still new it makes you happy.” His glass is now empty. “My wife keeps my home stable…she is a good mother, dedicated and supportive. [Pause] You know,  she supports and understands me, she knows what I’m about and I think that’s all you need in a wife. Nobody needs a superwoman. I respect her because she’s respectful of me…I feel bad that she has to be caught up in all this.”

“Does she know or suspect your battles with your sexuality?” I ask.

“Why does she have to know?” he snaps.

Okay. Maybe it’s time he got another drink. I catch the bartender’s eye and his glass is filled. Water bottles are opened. The music is polite. (Why do people say that? Polite.)

“This is a personal revelation,” he says as a way of reconciliation. “Those two are mutually exclusive. I take care of my business as the man of the house, as a father and husband. [Pause] It’s confusing, look I don’t know what’s going on. Every aspect of my life seems to be going so well except this, at this time. I thought if I didn’t actively pursue answers to explain it, it would go away and I would revert back to my old self, who likes only girls. But look at me, sneaking out of town for therapy. ”

“Are you seeing a man currently?”

There, I asked it. It’s out. The cat, or the elephant, no, cat is out. He can snap if he wants to. He can say “no comment.” He doesn’t do any of these things. Instead he says, “Where are the washrooms?” and then disappears behind the door at the end of the room. The girl with the Egyptian-looking guy is laughing heartily in the booth. Maybe Asim over there just told her a pyramid joke.

When he climbs back on his seat he finds the question exactly where he left it; over his head.

So he’s seeing this man; 32 year old guy who he says is gay. (I’m confused as to who is gay, who is bi and who is MSM). He has come around to his house for his children’s birthday parties. His wife thinks they work together on his side hustle. He has been seeing him on and off for the past three years but he says that there are many months during which he doesn’t see him because he doesn’t “feel like being with a man.” During those months he lives as a straight man.

“Who do you enjoy sex with most, her or him?” I ask.

“It depends,” he says, looking everywhere but at me.

“On what, whoever is wearing the sexiest lingerie?”

He laughs hard, slapping the counter with his open palm. The nuts in the bowl jump up.  He doesn’t answer me, instead he focuses his attention on the big screen TV across the room.

“How is your sex life with the wife?” I try again. “Are you in it or do you just show up as a domestic duty?”

He seems surprised that I asked, of course. I am too.

“It isn’t frequent. Once a month, twice a month, sometimes.”


“Well,”he  leans back and puffs his cheeks, “because…I don’t know, I feel guilty. Sometimes I don’t know if it’s right…if sleeping with her is right, it seems like the greatest deception, for myself and for her. It doesn’t seem natural anymore… some days, it does, some days it doesn’t.”

“So you struggle with it.”


“Have you ever had sex with another woman apart from your wife in the past year?”

He isn’t looking at me now. His shoulders seem to have sagged now. The cocky man who walked in a few hours ago isn’t cocky or self assured anymore. It’s like a mask has been lifted and his true self is seated here before me, and he seems embarrassed by this new man, maybe even defeated.

“I tried once,” he says so softly that I have to lean closer to the counter to hear him, “some random chick who worked in the next building, I went back to her apartment after pints but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

“You couldn’t raise the axe?”


“The axe…an expression…you couldn’t get an…”

“No,…no, I could, well, we didn’t get to the point where I was required to. I guess I left before anything happened.” [Long pause]. “I feel burdened. I feel like I’m cheating myself with this secret, that in the end when all has been done, I will really be the one who got deceived. A secret like this is like a big weight that you wake up with and you drag it with you everywhere, to work, to meet friends, to family meetings and it’s tiring because you are two people but you have to present this one person to the world. [Pause] I’m just tired of it. I want to be one person.”

But he doesn’t know how to be that person, he says. He doesn’t know what that comes with, what he has to change. He’s afraid that he will be different, because he is now defined by being a father and being a husband and that guy who takes care of things at work. The guy whose door people knock and stick their heads and ask what they should do. That’s how he sees himself, a construct of what he does at work and his role at home. He’s a prisoner of selves.

“You want to eat something?” I ask. He says he doesn’t eat while he’s drinking. He orders another bottle of water. The bar is now buzzing, so far nobody I know or anybody he knows has walked in. We talk about other things for close to another 45 minutes then he asks, “So what do you think I should do?”

“You are asking me?” I chuckle. “ I’m the last person who can tell you what to do, this is all new to me.”

He shifts in his chair and plays with his car keys on the counter while he considers my words. Finally he says, “I can’t leave to be with a man because I don’t want to be with a man, at least not like that. Plus, there is my reputation to think about, my job to think about, and then of course my children, whom I can’t destabilize because of my identity crisis. Besides, I feel like it’s too late for me to make such drastic decisions now in life.”

“You are only 44 years old,” I say. He doesn’t even hear me. He’s left the room, leaving his body there and his jacket. I say more loudly for him to hear, “Do you know the life expectancy of a Kenyan male? Is it 63 or 62? So, technically you have 29-years to live, give or take. In another 15-years or so your children will be out the door, making their own nests. Then what?”

He grunts.

“You will be 54, with a bad hip. Sitting in the sun on your lawn on Sundays with a newspaper, having, what, 14-years left on your clock, a wife for a stranger, money in the bank and a hole in your soul. Your children will be so busy, they won’t even have time to return your calls until the end of day. Then what?” When he doesn’t say anything I continue. “ Tell you what, though, I could use some chicken wings!” So I order chicken wings and we don’t talk about that matter again. When my chicken wings come he says maybe he will have one but then he has two because who says no to chicken wings?

We finished and I called for the bill and he insisted that he had to pay, but then he didn’t make a move to fetch his wallet, he just held onto the bill and started making small talk and I only realised much later that he didn’t want to leave. He was reluctant to go back to the prison he had found himself in. Because in that bar, he had exposed himself to me, shown me who he really was, unburdened his secret and it was a temporary relief to get off those chains. He felt lighter at that moment. But when he finally steps outside the doors of Hilton he will be going to wear the usual skin of the person he has shown the world, the confused and conflicted person who goes through the motions of life, sneaking to Nakuru to see a therapist, being an engaged father and a reluctant husband, seeing his male love for trysts in the shadow created by his own deceit, resigned to a fate of living a half life of appearances.  

So you will forgive him if he stays in his seat for a little longer, if he takes a deep breath before jumping back into his life, because a life of falsehood must require a lungful of air.


Are you in your 40s? Have you lived an interesting life you want to share? (This sounds like one of those terrible ads in Reader’s Digest of 1985). If so, drop me an email on [email protected] I might not respond asap, but I will.





























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    1. Biko, why are you so good. Here’s me who just wrote a blog on lesbians. Like poles attracts. I attacked them I know. Your writing made me to try to understand people so well. You might want to pass by http://thisisochuoga.blogspot.co.ke/2017/11/like-poles-attract.html and read it

    2. It feels so big. It’s almost insurmountable. I don’t know how to behave if someone said something i cant satisfactorily advise and still leave them as they were of even better .because if i cant say something to make them feel better then in the first place i shouldn’t have been trusted with the weighty secret

      1. Sometimes, your patient listening is enough. Giving one a opportunity to freely pour their hearts out is the biggest gift you can give them and it’s such a relief to them. It may surprise you.

    1. No DunKirk was amazing…. Christopher Nolan is the real deal. He told a story in a different way with minimal dialogue if that’s not a genious then idk what is

  1. i have an amazingly close friend, grew up together, he was an altar boy, etc, he drunkenly confessed his sexuality to me after 25 years of friendship. i do not know what to say. i have several friend from the lgbt community and i preach what my dad always has, life is too short not to grasp at happiness. But what people forget with that statement is your happiness can come at a steep price that depletes the joy.
    simply hearbreaking

      1. I am not 40 yet G or even close. I still have those years he will have to live when he will be on sitting on his lawn enjoying the sun. That said, joy in this context may not be that “lively feeling” we have at times. You may feel shitty but wait until the stability goes. Wait until those names start coming.

        Wait until the looks. The talks behind your back. That is the time you will wish for your lousy life back. Until it is taken away, you never see what there is.

  2. My pastor would probably say he is spirit possessed because it ain’t biblical to have feelings for a man. I wish he’d stand with being straight. Refuse to explore this new side of him that’s sprouting up, after all if he doesn’t water it it won’t grow, no? For I know it will only spell trouble and disorientation for him. I don’t want to come off as judgemental but being straight means you escape eternal damnation!
    May God help you!

    1. Even when straight and idolatrous…you’ll still escape this “eternal damnation?” Even let’s say you are straight and a rapist…you’ll still escape eternal damnation. But here just by being bi you won’t. Come on!

      1. Darren true my exact sediments..we cnt judge a person coz society says its wrong..so many things are wrong..but these things called “hisia” or feelings are really messy and Life is so unfair..just a jump of hormone messes up all the system..but who are we to judge…
        but the biggest struggle is within himself and its a long journey..i hope this brother finds peace
        those people who keep saying…”you will burn in hell.. get saved, you will be bla bla bla’..without supporting the person who is going astray or who i;-by virtue of doing right- not doing so, are big hypocrites and sinners too since they are judgemental..we humans have been born of sin…..and when we repent we move close to God…..

        my only comment is…..DON’T EXPLORE WHAT YOU CANT COMPREHEND OR HANDLE…..it will hunt you to grave

        hehe but Biko..am still stuck at this part…….i can relate so well….
        “I was drawn to his story only by the promise of its mire and so, naked (because I sleep as I was born), sitting at the edge of my bed”

    2. first of all, you are being judgemental.
      Secondly, where is the happiness in having to be anything but oneself in a world that is constantly pushing you to be someone else. Go out there. Do what makes you happy. Be truly happy. If it was just a phase, it will pass, if it’s truly what you are, you will take it up with God.

      1. But what if “your” happiness comes into conflict with those whom you love most. What if “your” happiness has such a huge price tag that those who end up paying for it are the innocent ones? Case in point his children. I sort of believe happiness can only come if it does not weigh u down and cause pain to those around you, then that is a very unselfish kind of happy. I think he is going through a mid life crisis sort of phase and all he can do is to take a break and weigh all the pros n cons. Half the time the guys seems to be confused about his sexuality, for his case he can choose to be celibate on both sides ,pray for wisdom n see where life takes him then his happy will come. God’s grace to him and his loved ones

    3. Being straight will not keep you away from eternal damnation. Straight people sin too! Also, who said he believes in the after life?

    4. I think we have to learn to be compassionate as Jesus was. Our pastor preached and said we have to love people and trust God for their salvation. Another sad each time you look at someone who does things a little differently, look at them and say, “This is the one Jesus died for on the cross.” God is love.

      1. I totally agree.

        A prisoner of selves: that is what the man is. We are all that, just to varying degrees, and the more opposing the two selves are the more wearying it is to live the dichotomy. I’ve seen people say that criticizing his bi-ism is being judgmental, but the thing is that the man himself is judging himself, and that’s what’s bothering him, and that’s what has sent him to a counselor 2.5 hours away from town, looking for help. That’s why it was such a relief to un-burden himself to Biko – someone else knew his darkest secret and the world didn’t end.

        If I could tell the man one thing it is this (if I haven’t mis-read you): what you are looking for is available.

        There are two options (broadly), that people will advocate:

        1. Liberalism (this is who you are so accept it, there are gay animals, legalize marijuana, etc etc); and
        2. Liberty.

        I hope I can be allowed simply to say this: if you will meet God on His terms, God has the power to end that thing in you with less effort than it takes you to breathe. I mean power. Somewhere, way down inside, if you believe that that is true, and if it is what you want, please look for help.

        Liberty is available!

    5. Lol you Christian people are comedy. You think he can be cured,quoting Macklemore, with some treatment and religion.You paraphrase a book written 3500 years ago.
      Aaaaanyway I think he shouldn’t live according to how he feels society dictates. I feel for his wife who’d be so shook if she found out this about her husband finding out she’s been living a lie for God knows how long.
      I like how stories like these make Christians squirm.

      1. 3,500 years is not the point of God’s word or the Bible in more popular terms. Rather it is the gift of God in Jesus Christ which offers us life and takes away the condemnation of sinfulness. That we can live truly free lives, joyfully seeing everything around and about us as part of God’s perfect will, is for me the most important truth about being a Christian. Joe, the man in the post says of himself as one trapped in a prison of self. Imagine that! Jesus says, “Come to me all that are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” What a friend we have in Jesus!

      2. I am Christian, and believe in love, that God loves regardless. And so I too must love regardless. This guy needs to be understood, which is what I choose to do. I can’t be the first to cast a stone because I too have my mixed-up moments. There you have it, I squirmed.

    6. Eunice, To every gay or bi human being out there who needs someone to talk to as a caring sister or aunt: I am here for you. I will always support you as long as you never harm anyone.

  3. In this journey we call life i bet everyone has sat in a corner and thought, “what am I doing here?”. I find it uncomfortable that he has discovered this part of him in the middle of a marriage (to a woman). You would imagine a very different struggle for an urban working class dad. And what is worse? A wife is supposed to be the ride or die that holds your hands up (like akina Aaron and Hur held Moses hands up when they were at war) and wipes your brow. But the good thing is that this same life, like a kaleidoscope, moves us all in turn, the pain and hurt then becomes a seasonal thing. There are always new dawns.

  4. At the end of life what matters is that “we learnt our TRUTH, loved our TRUTH and lived out our TRUTH” – Sheilla Dorris.

        1. I think part of his conflict comes from not wanting to be judged. If he actually lived his truth he would be free. But then again what do I know?

      1. Jenner has nothing to lose, he is 60something, won in an olympic, attained what he needed, his kids are all grown up, and probably has no parents to explain himself to. We make decisions when we are young, even if they seem stupid, society will let go, but when you have established yourself, with a family, what do you do? I thank God sometimes that am young and unmarried because i can wake up one day, quit my job and say i just want to chill out and travel the world, or i want to go to Siberia because that is my destiny. But this man cant just leave and live, and the worst thing is that he doesnt even know who he truly is. Its like you love your boyfriend but there is this other guy you feel you have fallen for…and sometimes you really like him and sometimes you just dont want to be with him…am typing too much

        1. You are right… life changing decisions are better made when you are younger and have few risks …. but at 44 with kids, a wife, a job to keep, a face to keep and a society to please, you dont have any choice but to bent to the expectations… at that age, you are not living the life for yourself, you live it for the kids

  5. Interesting and sad at the same time. It is true what they say, everyone is going through their own stuff. Everyone has their own demons to fight. I hope he finds the answers and the peace he so much desires.

  6. I don’t know but I’m thinking how twisted life is and how wretched souls are…..The only thing i can say is that i stopped admiring people’s lives.The outside is not always the inside and i wish i had the privilege of a sneak preview of someones life. Only then,I mean only then can i admire someone else’s life.

  7. Let the man continue with his current life. He is having his cake and eating it!

    All he needs to do is stop feeling guilty! And stop seeing that therapist. It will make him feel like he is cheating .

    Instead let him ride bikes at karura forest that early morning ! It will declutter his brain…

    1. Hahaha!
      I don`t know which is funnier,the stop seeing a therapist or the ride bikes at karura.
      All i know is that we need a lot more of you(s) in the comments section.

  8. ” I don’t want to look surprised. Of all the things I guessed his story would be, this wasn’t one of them. I don’t want to change my facial expression, because he’s watching me for a reaction. I wear my poker-face, but I’m not sure what it looks like from his end. Sometimes you might think you have a poker face kumbe you look diarrheic.”


    Great read as always..

  9. Actually I feel like I am commenting about a question like ” would you want to be a duck or an owl” I got no freaking idea what it feels like. -100% experience.
    Well, I want to believe this is not one of those things that just randomly happen to anyone for no reason. I am soo much into ‘ass like rainbow’ and do not look forward being into ‘ass like a Ka granite’ some day.

    Thing is (borrowed from this piece) it’s very confusing and difficult to choose between pursuing your newly discovered identify for self satisfaction and maintaining status quo for the sake of people you love.

  10. ” a wife for a stranger”, is that writer-ese or just a head up by your editor, one cant tell with you… I sympathise with the man in identity crisis, secrets are unbearably heavy

  11. Atleast, this one was a revelation of life and its secrets not a reality of a country at war like we witnessed last week about the Bunyamelengas (*sp). People live closeted lives, they live in secrets and pretend to the holier than thou. The corporate world is full of them. As always, this is a good piece. Keep it up Biko.

  12. This is deep and sad.. What people ,ordinary looking people struggling with sexuality and not having peace. I pray that he will find answers and peace.
    Meanwhile this phrase “While the Egyptian-looking man looks at the menu, the girl looks at him with such unfiltered and naked adoration, like he’s the brains behind the Arab Spring” and “The girl with the Egyptian-looking guy is laughing heartily in the booth. Maybe Asim over there just told her a pyramid joke”… made my day. God bless you Biko for your talent .

  13. How many of us are prisoners of our selves? As I read this, i kept asking myself that question. I feel his struggle 🙁

  14. Jean-Jacques Rousseau a French philosopher and playwright wrote, “Man was born free, and he is everywhere in chains.”. The only reason we act/behave the way we do is because that is how society has socialized us and we are afraid of going out of those boundaries lest we are labeled deviant or normless.

  15. What an interesting read, Biko. For starters, I don’t think Dunkirk was a shit movie. It was awesome. You’re one cocky man. How did ya even think to ask who wears the sexiest lingerie. Oh, boy! You simply had me cracking up. I can only but imagine the torment this man lives through each day. Not sure of who you are as a person. Hope someday they can have peace of mind and get to know where they stand.

  16. you need Jesus. see a pastor for deliverance prayers. Don’t nurture it. When this life is over and St. Peter takes the roll call, you will not want to be on that side of the divide. Just this morning i learnt of a friend who has messed up big time, he has been strict on his teenage children so that they can turn out well and disciplined but what he has done this morning is contrary to what he has been teaching them and cannot be undone. Going for this vice for lack of a better word will be selfish. at times it pays to think of the next person:your loyal wife and those children who make you happy.

    1. I don’t think any of us have the moral authority to write off his experience as a “vice”. Don’t do that! To use your spirituality as a benchmark on what is right and/or wrong is folly,really. One might argue you are a prisoner too (of whatever side of the divide you think you’re on) if all you use is that one lens to pass judgement.
      Having said that, I can only hope for this person to somehow find inner reconciliation with himself and the world around him. To him, nirvana.

      1. Huh… Do you realize you’re also a prisoner of religion and it’s indoctrinations? Say hi to St Peter for me, during that roll call of yours

        1. Benji Benji, people like you fascinate me. They are not few. I want to ask them, you in this case. Don’t you think there’s an All Father? And if you were told to step in His presence, would you present yourself with cockiness? Be humble.
          As for our guy, you will pull through. Maybe it all will be beautiful.

    2. If you could hear the judgement spewing off your mouth. If some people were GOD !!! Get off your high horse and go learn how to love equally

    3. Well who died and made you Judge and Juror. You have no right to judge him. Stop hiding behind your salvation mask.
      Interesting read Biko

  17. Through it all, in the end, you want to have broken the chains that keep you from living the best of life.
    Maybe this is an apostrophe in your life, a symbol to tell and remind you that there’s more to live out…so I hope you do find your peace and keep your happiness core. Bi or otherwise:)

  18. Good story on a complicated subject. Some might not see the complication for they have never struggled with the complexities of identity and while I am no expert on the matter, I empathize with the chap. But in the end, like you pointed out Biko, life is too long to live it at a certain construct of denying your true self any happiness because at the end of life, however long or short it has been, in that moment you regret the things not done or said when you had the opportunity more than the things you didn’t do or say!

  19. This is a mid-life crisis and it’ll soon go away. I think resorting to be with a man, it will break many things and “build” one or two (him and the man).

  20. Thank you Biko. Thank you to this man who showed part of himself.
    I think he needs a friend. Not these acquaintances we call friends but someone who is greater to you than your greatest fear. Someone who will help you with your burdens and share in your joy. Someone who knows all your layers and you know theirs.
    Maybe there is something he finds attractive subconsciously and it happens to be a common factor in both males and females. Or maybe he’s burdened by the stereotypical manliness shoved upon males in society that this is his way to rebel. I honestly don’t know.
    What I do know is life is full of choices and whatever you chose has a consequence. Question is, is he willing and able to handle that of whichever he chooses?
    I wish him all the best.

  21. Wow! This is deep… It must be hell on earth for him… I feel sad for his family and all… But most of all I feel sad for him… He needs to find himself and live his truth no matter what…. That’s the only way he’ll get some peace of mind…. Great read…. Thanks….

  22. Nice read Biko. I felt like writing something but not sure what to write I guess because this is one of those topics we approach with caution. Careful not to speak out of tune and not to appear insensitive. Am sure this post speaks of inner struggles many people deal with. Took lots of …. for him to share. Thanks for sharing.

  23. There is nothing that this man is going through that is not common to man.
    Self awareness is also a very good thing we get to know what sort of people we are, what makes us tick, what makes us what we are.After being self aware we get up everyday and try to be a better version on ourselves.
    I think we choose to be happy, things dont make us happy.
    Interesting read as always.

  24. This is the best article i have read this November. the article highlights the silent dilemma that is a new age challenge in the our society, I want to know how can women in such marriages be supported, this is tough.

  25. To the guy in conflict of self,
    I know how it feels to suddenly question everything about yourself. I also know sharing sometimes helps zero, leaving you vulnerable for nothing. Or seeking expert advice, as you attest. However, I think you have been selfish, focusing on how your conflict affects you. Your wife knows something is up, and your conflict affects her too. And the strain of a double persona will grow and grow, until everyone [you respect] is affected, your children included.
    Even though you say you do not want to define yourself by social definitions, you really do want to define yourself [by social definition]. Your instability is borne of the fact that you suddenly don’t fit into any category. Tonight I want to be with my wife, but tomorrow I don’t want to look at her. Does it matter really what your title is? Does it change what you want to do? In any case, it only constricts your choices. You are not bi, or straight, you are something else. But if definitions bother you so much, you could just create one for yourself. And 50 years from now, a researcher will say, ‘…this definition was first used by so and so’. If you make your definition public, that is :-).
    It is unfair to go through this world thinking no one understands you yet make no effort to make people see the other sides of you. I think it is time you shared your story with the people who matter. Your parents may not understand you, or your friends, but your wife might. Even in that sharing, you have the perspective of someone who actually knows you, you might [finally] find answers to your questions. It is time to go home. When you are against a wall, it helps to have someone fighting beside you.
    There are risks to everything, you just have to assess if it is worth the benefits. But I would only wish such an identity crisis on my worst enemy [and only when he is currently wielding a machete and the musings will distract him long enough for me to make a dignified exit].

    1. This was the only reasoning i was looking for….i feel just like the way he was relieved to open up to biko the same will be the case with the wife or even more relieved. the only issue will be how to approach the subject. we sometimes assume things but i find our better halves if we truly take them as such are the only people who could fight alongside us in such battles only and only if we let them in before they hear it from other sources. my thoughts

    2. I agree, at least he was able to share his story with Biko, i pray moving forward he will be able to share with the pple who matter and final resolve it.

  26. “I’m at a point of questions in my life. I think everybody gets here; you question your life, you question your career and your relationships, you question your purpose and your successes and you scrutinise your failures closely, maybe a little more closely than necessary.
    i guess am this point too.Nice read as always .

  27. Wow! Incredibly deep thoughts shared out here.
    Makes me think of how different our problems all are. Some folk may have everything going for them and they provide solutions to many yet in secret they find themselves alone struggling with issues none can solve. For many others of us, things are dandy except financially things are not…clear one debt, another issue begs for our attention ermm…financially. If we won some random lottery that we’re not even playing, everything would be perfecto. Who knows?
    I guess when the time is right, he will unload some of the burden to his wife..she is his better half and it’s only fair she knows what’s going on as they are one..and “what God has put together let no man put asunder” (pun unintended) maybe that can be the start to finding some sort of closure or relief or an intervention….but he has to feel that the time is right. Otherwise he’ll just wait it out until things come to bust! I get the feeling though that he’s kinda using the gay guy…he only sees him when he feels like seeing him? Doesn’t the gay guy complain about how he’s being treated or is he okay with being the ‘side-chic’…ama is he profiting in more ways than one, or does he sometimes badger him with the question us chicks like to ask, “Where is this going?”
    BTW Mr Jackson, thought you said no anonymity.

  28. Is this situation self-imposed? Well, that anonymous guy forces himself to live two lives. A very bad situation.
    But the bottom line is that he is a selfish gay dude.

  29. This just goes to show, always be kind to people because you don’t know what they go through.Going through that in his forties must be pretty tough.His happiness has a lot riding on it.I hope the counseling sessions will help take the load off. Hang in there dude..

  30. Ever since I started reading this Blog, I’ve become increasingly aware of my need for a dictionary app.

    Biko I’m glad you were patient enough to hear this man out.. could be all that he needed at the moment. Great Work!

  31. Everyone has a skeleton in their wardrobes,good read Biko as usual & let’s not be too judgemental for God will judge as best

  32. Deep thoughts here… and critical choices to be made clearly

    But I honestly think that the guy is not gay at all… I even feel like he natures the side that loves women more (and not necessarily his family only) – I mean – who has never looked at a person of the same gender and thought “Nice ass or boobs or something!!!”

    Its that gay bar that maybe made him see a different angle of life and because of the same he chose to pursue that angle – which clearly is not giving him fulfillment…

    God bless the therapist he goes to Nakuru to see… May he soon realize the gaps that need to be filled because this man is not gay at all…

    Food for thought though – What environments are we subjecting ourselves to (be it social circles, TV etc etc) and what impact do they have in our lives??

    1. I totally agree with Bree, I don’t think he is gay. I think after living in this world for a period of time and being exposed to as much as he has ( Europe) one may then find himself asking certain fundamental questions about life, its purpose and where we all fit in this equation. Me thinks this is his own version of a midlife crisis and eventually he will come to peace with his own truth whatever that will be….

      1. His sexuality is not a case of Western influence and neither is his bisexuality a midlife crisis stage! Also, I am impressed that you get to decide who is gay or not. Are the two gay lions from Maasai Mara really gay? Or is it as an effect of the imbalance in the ecosystem or exposure to humanity? We could really use your input in this. I am not trying to call you out but just that invalidating one’s sexuality just perpetrates the heteronormativity in our society.

  33. Uumh what to say? This story touched me. Let me start by saying Mr. Anonymous I cannot even pretend to understand what your life must be like, what goes on in your mind or heart. Should I encourage you to accept yourself for what you are? Well am young and have no husband or kids and you will probably say I do not understand? And accepting ourselves sometimes maybe the hardest thing this life will require as to do. So I will share a bit about a crises I went through. Not long ago I went through an existential or maybe it was spiritual crisis, I felt like a fraud. Maybe my issue was not and cannot be as scary as yours. I say scary because people will judge you harshly some will say you go kuwekelewa mikono, or you should will yourself to turn off this thing. Something happened and I could not go on believing the things I was brought up and taught to believe. Something happened and though painful it wiped the slate clean. I met a lady once, she said give up the labels, stop labeling yourself, let go off the labels given by society let yourself be all you can be, embrace and see yourself not as a man or woman but just as a being full of potential. Whether acceptable or not it is who you are, your very essence. The problem is I realized people are scared of what they cannot understand. Sadly some of the things humans experience cannot be imagined or understood by mere observation. They can only be understood by experiencing them. I once shared with someone an experience I had for quite some time and this person said don’t ever say that to someone else or else they will send you to mathare psychiatry hospital. Somebody once called me a witch not that am evil or ever harmed anyone or even had evil thoughts. He saw me, truly saw who I was and he labelled me the only label that in his mind that made sense to him. So I had to accept that my experiences were mine and mine alone and probably no one could ever quite comprehend. If I could project or in a way make other people feel what it is like to have some of these experiences maybe then I would stand a chance against the hate, and judgements. So i said to myself you are different, you have always been different, you will always be you no matter what. Whether the world understands or not. So accept it, it is the only thing to do anyway. Maybe some of the things we are will always be unacceptable even disgusting to the rest of the world but these things are you and you are them. What are you willing to pay the price for ?

  34. That is tough double life right there!

    ……I discovered this new gel that smells like a swarm of yellow butterflies.

    Name of this new gel??

  35. Firstt of all, sorry for feeling conflicted. Secondly no one holds the answer of what you need to do. Not the counselor, not Biko, not us and definitely no one else. Av attended therapy sessions and earlier in the game I realized am the one who held the reigns of where my life was headed and the counsellor role was to just guide me in the begining. If I was in your case, I would decide what mattered to me fast…Realize that you cant rush decisions. Also I pick that your image to society really matters so there is no way you are planning to walk out from that marriage. Alafu, you haven’t made up your mind of getting a mpango wa kando in terms of a man…So if i was you, al take a day off or week off from my normal life, go somewhere nijiite kameeting or conference depending on how long it takes to make a decision concerning something…I would probably decide to stay in that marriage and have sex with the mpango ones in a while if it gives me more peace…if not niamue tu naishi kwa ndoa minus hiyo mpango naniseme some issues were ment to be unresolved in a lifetime and I would just choose to be happy anyway coz you know what, LIFE IS NOT IDEAL….Case in point everyone wants to have a perfect marriage and sometimes it never happens, you may just end up being a single parent or co-parenting…another thing is, you may just split with your partner and a partner may just die when you thought everything was right…So stop concentrating on your sexuality so much and just breath and live happy.

  36. ‘ Because in that bar, he had exposed himself to me, shown me who he really was, unburdened his secret and it was a temporary relief to get off those chains. He felt lighter at that moment. But when he finally steps outside the doors of Hilton he will be going to wear the usual skin of the person he has shown the world, the confused and conflicted person who goes through the motions of life, sneaking to Nakuru to see a therapist, being an engaged father and a reluctant husband, seeing his male love for trysts in the shadow created by his own deceit, resigned to a fate of living a half life of appearances’.
    I cannot begin to imagine what he must be going through.. he is a prisoner of himself.. He should also tell the wife.. pretty sure she knows…

  37. this is a sad one ..at least he is an ass guy lol!!…when i say as an African being a bi,a gay or an MSM is a no go zone i know i will judged harshly ..as a christian- a man was made for a woman , then being me n values instilled in me there is no room for such orientation in a man’s life ..but again if he was my kid i really do not know what i will do ..i think i would ask GOD to intervene since He gave me a male child not one who has both sex organs,,i would notgg really say he is demon possessed but i would tell GOD to honestly intervene.
    Having said all that,,trouble started when he visited the gay bar..so to my fellow straight men out there ‘never visit a Gay bar,whether in AFRICA,EUROPE,AMERICA,ASIA or even in you tube’
    Curiosity killed the cat…
    …my two cents though!!….

  38. Am still stuck at the fights within him, we all have that “other person” in us, what really matters is how we handle “them” the you and the other you. We could says its a mid life crisis, but again it could be not. The counselor will just sink u in more, and confuse the you more. Take it to God in prayer, go down on your knees and ask him to take this cup from you and take the wheel from there.. Inner battles are the most fought battles and less won, but with prayer and supplication, i believe a light will shine.. Come on i ain’t no Reverend, but i know with faith and trust things do work out and lights are shone (if there’s such a word) upon situations.. I wish Joe peace to help him find himself…

  39. Good read Biko
    I’d say live in your truth but its never as simple as typing it . There is more to it than just you .

  40. Dunkirk is a shit movie > Well, damn! Here I was giving Nolan movies another shot after enjoying Inception and The Prestige.

    I think, we all find a part of ourselves we did not know, that society would disagree with, where the choices we make would hurt somebody. I have learnt that in some case you will lose sth no matter the option you go by, just pick the one whose loss you can live with.

  41. “You couldn’t raise the axe?”


    This has just made me chuckle. Honestly speaking, I never take such a question for granted. I ain’t gay or anything in that line but when a question of such kind pops up, literally,I try to “raise the axe” in my mind. Just to confirm everything is perfectly working. I hate uncertainties, especially when it comes to matters concerning working of my body organs.

  42. There is no easy answer. We should be true to self, he should start by being true to himself. If he identifies as gay then choose to live as a gay man, it’s not the end of the world. If he identifies as a straight man, then he goes ahead and lives as one and stop cheating on his wife. For each of these choices there are consequences, that is the price of being an adult…which is what being over 40 is. I however empathize with him, it can’t be easy to feel like you are two people.

  43. Eish……………….this made me empathise and felt sad for the gay people for once, i just reminded myself that we need to embrace them and understand where they are coming from. What should he do? Tell his wife and children, live a free live, his happiness is more important than how the world judges his sexuality

  44. While the Egyptian-looking man looks at the menu, the girl looks at him with such unfiltered and naked adoration, like he’s the brains behind the Arab Spring.

  45. Mmmmmh! I didn’t know I carried rainbows behind, nice!
    He has two personalities ( stop fighting them) be happy. When you are with the guy kiss him like there’s no tomorrow. Your wife, it’s like you’re starving the lady, re-energize that wild flame.
    Sometimes it forces you to hold a gun on your principles’ head and tell it RIP.

    You only live once.

  46. I could not bring myself to finish reading the post today…
    It´s not capturing. I think the guy should have gotten into his car and driven to Nakuru to see his therapist. It could have been of help, compared to having to read comments about needing prayers and deliverance etc.
    Like one of the other Readers said, “no one holds the answer of what you Need to do”.
    My opinion…

  47. Thanks Biko for this. Let’s not bury our heads in the sand hoping this will go away. Bi, homosexually etc is not new but closeted!
    Good read too.

  48. It is weird the things we discover about ourselves and life in general as time goes by. The hardest part about embracing ourselves is the worry of what others think of us, if only we worried less about others and lived life a day at a time… Oh well…easier said than done.

  49. Good read Biko. As i read this, there is a point he says he doesnt want to be with another man and I feel he should follow his heart and trust God at the same time.

  50. I have read stories of women who discovered their husbands were Gay/Bi. Most surprising thing is some of these women knew their partners were Gay/Bi for a long time before they confronted them. I wouldn’t be surprised the wife to this guy already knows and just wears the secret Monalisa smile. So what if she does know? Will this guy have wasted his whole life tip toe-ing? All in all you know how motivational speakers ask you to write what you would change in your life if you only had two months to live…yes that

  51. Well,Let God be the judge.Mr anonymous u have ua cake & u eat it too plz for the sake of ua kids don’t hurt ua wife.As a woman its better being cheated on by another woman but a man?????¿¿¿¿¿ IDK maybe it’s just me.
    Life though….

  52. Blimey!!! The things time and life do to a human:( My thoughts are all over the place. I hope Mr. Anonymous finds his mojo!

  53. This poor guy is damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t especially in our society.
    He comes across as a decent guy who doesn’t want to hurt his wife and family while trying to find himself.
    He needs a proper therapist because I can smell despair and desparation seeping through his pores and if he doesn’t receive real help we might read his obituary next.
    I feel for the wife too. She must have suspicions of infidelity and probably suspects some maligned chick when the competition is the guy she welcomes into her home.
    My advise to him is to love himself as he is because God loves him just as he is

  54. this story just got me thinking how we should be kinder and less judgmental as everyone is going through some kind
    of struggle.and to those coming here quoting the bible and about going to hell,who gives you the right to judge just because you sin differently.life would easier if we live and let live ,afterall its short and no one gets out alive anyway.

  55. Great read Biko.
    Am not sure of my position on LGBTs but I’ve always wanted to believe that it is a natural condition that no one chooses to be or not to be in. I, therefore, feel for this guy not necessarily because of his discovery but because he has discovered it when already married with kids-his decisions are not just about himself: I particularly feel for his wife. Ideally, if the wife could ‘understand and agree (this must be the greatest fear)’ that the guy pursues the choice that makes him happy, this would be the easier route -come clean with your wife. That said, be sure that the side (gay vs straight) you pick isn’t a temporary confusion coz each has consequences and a mistake may be just the start of another monumental crisis. It probably feels ‘easy to write than implement’ so I can only wish you get a solution.

  56. I like the guy…. He has big balls… How do you muster that kind of courage and humor and just spill it out.. just like that. That is no work of whiskey.. I also drink whiskey, and I have nothing to show. Wherever you are, you will pass it out. A day at a time. When I am conflicted I search for these 3 words… Loyalty, Love,Laugh. If I were you.. where does my loyalty lay.. how about love and does it make me laugh…
    You are authentic and not less of a person.

  57. Biko, you are so funny, Dunkirk was a dope ass movie; if you know, you know.If you don’t well meet Biko for some chicken wings.
    Then Mr.Anonymus feeling conflicted, thank you for sharing your truth but let’s address the elephant in the room;
    First of all, you are not alone; we all have our conflicts but we all control or handle them differently,
    I am curious, is it love for the guy or?you may have caught feelings and acted on them, and I will not pretend to know what you are going through but Your wife at the very least may catch more than feelings if she finds out from someone other than you,
    Remember the game, Hide and seek; you may be hiding and she wants to hide with you, who knows?

  58. I used to be one of those strict anti-gay people until my gay supervisor shared with me her story. She had been molested by her uncle while growing up and was old enough to know it was wrong and grown enough to recognize that there was pleasure in the act. That conflict turned her away from men and to this day she seems to be searching for something, jumping from one relationship to another with women who have manly features. That’s part one.
    Part two is of my boss who is currently going through a sex change. It was very disconcerting initially to see him walking around with a handbag and wearing a sports bra. I understand he has kids and I don’t know what to think about the whole situation. His boss refers to him as a “her.”
    As I read some of the comments and as a Christian I realize Mr. Anonymous’ issue is a complicated one and rather than fall into the category of calling it wrong or right I say kudos to him for willing to explore this, and I feel for him because there are no easy solutions to these kind of issues.
    Sigh …

  59. I think the gentleman in question should wear his big boy pants. All that ‘disclosing his secret’ will do him no good. Not to you Biko or a counsellor. I say have your cake and eat it too- just don’t give anyone STD’s, ‘specially your wife.

  60. Biko, this is a good read (from the tear fest that was the last story-to this question raising one). I can’t imagine the torment of living a double life! I hope Mr, Anonymous finds happiness in his true self. Thank you for humanizing life with these stories.

  61. I will always be slow to judge and liberally throw aprobation as much as I can. Now this chap was not generous with his story but we manage to peep into his dark secrets.

    I won’t judge him. And clearly living a double life doesn’t make you happy. Who brings akina “side chic” to see his kids?

    I always enjoy how you Biko lace your conversations with light heartedness “keep on keeping on man”!

  62. I don’t believe in bisexual men.most men that have come out as bi have eventually just become fully gay.he uses the term bi because he hasn’t fully embraced who he is because society is not accepting.thats why he can go to Europe and be his true self.if he was truly bi he wld also visit hererosexual strip clubs once in a while but he gravitates towards the gay.he shld embrace who he is and stop all this self torture.he dsnt have to be openly gay.stright men have guilt free affairs all the time only for some “illegitimate” kids to pop up when they die.do you man.do u.look at duale all needing to be loved by some woman.life is short

  63. There is a saying ; ‘do not feed the monster that eats your children.’
    I find it ideal in this case.
    Though it is easier said than done, at the end of the day only Mr. Anonymous can decide what to do in this crisis.
    Feed not the side that you do not want to grow, count the cost of whatever decision you make then live with the consequences.

    It must be really hard.

  64. I love women (especially Nairobi girls in their 20’s. The site of these pretty mamas in the the evening make life bearable, especially when it’s on the 5th and I have no concrete plan of paying for my rent), but if a man prefers Sausages to Muffins or burgers, who am I to judge him?

  65. Very disturbing for that guy…..i actually pity him. I wonder just how many men out here are in such situations and have no idea.Damn….hang in there dude.

  66. Does Biko always give the “I am first to comment” a free bottle of Glenmorange? Or free 3 hour access to Fireplace? If that’s the case, I’ll ensure my eyelids have pegs and get glued to your blog from 7am next Tuesday..just to be the first to comment…then kusoma story baadaye.

  67. This is not something new. So many men are in the same dilemma. They are all over the online dating sites in disguise-married men who want to experience something different with other men-not necessarily anal sex or the extremes, but something like how it would feel like to be sucked by another man. More men should come out. You’d be surprised Biko at how many more there are out there.

  68. Ahhhh….this guy is in a bind man. I truly sympathize with his situation. He doesn’t want to be with a man permanently neither is he happy in his marriage. I think he should decide where he is most comfortable. That’s where he should be.

  69. Do whatever makes you happy. If you want to see him…do so. Go and have some amazing sex. You will square it with your God on judgement day. I ain’t judging, will never judge

  70. The Kenya Human Rights Commission did a publication on this subject,het title:;The Outlawed Amongst Us .http://www.khrc.or.ke/mobile-publications/equality-and-anti-discrimination/70-the-outlawed-amongst-us/file.html. Please find time to read it. You will be surprised how many people are in marriages and cheating with persons of the same sex. A man has a man for a clande, a woman has a woman for a clande. Wait, that sounds wrong, however it is the truth.

    My take on sexuality, you have a right to choose who to love,when to love, how to love on condition that both parties have consented and remembering that your rights end where mine begin and vice versa.

    I must also tell you a story, One day in August of 2009, a friend invited me to her parents place for her graduation party. Upon my arrival, she came out to meet me and pecked me on my lips. She left me disoriented, I wondered what that was supposed to mean.I watched closely and realized she didn’t do it to anyone else. Lets just say I have kept a very respectful distance since that day. Her lips were very soft all the same. I am straight!

  71. I am no where near 40. I am only less than half that guy’s age but I think I understand him anyway.
    His struggle probably had bad timing but then I have seen someone else have the same struggle.
    Ever dated a guy who is your ideal mate in all manner? Imagine one day he tells you he thinks he is gay. That’s the total dilemma. You wonder why he is with you at that moment. You wonder what is wrong with you. You even wonder if you are a bit gay for him to be attracted to you. At one point you wonder if you will ever view relationships the same way.
    When the day he tells you he is thinks he is gay and you are watching sunsets at the beach, everything else disappears. You wonder if you have lost your hearing. You go silent on them for a while, you will need to have some alone time. A time when everything around you gets redefined. At the end of it all you have to make tough choices. As tough as being caring enough to try and help them with the struggle even when all logic says otherwise.
    I do hope that guy figures what he has to face in the choices he will make. The struggle will never be over either way. One battle may end but others will come and they will be tougher.

  72. I am no where near 40. I am only less than half that guy’s age but I think I understand him anyway.
    His struggle probably had bad timing but then I have seen someone else have the same struggle.
    Ever dated a guy who is your ideal mate in all manner? Imagine one day he tells you he thinks he is gay. That’s the total dilemma. You wonder why he is with you at that moment. You wonder what is wrong with you. You even wonder if you are a bit gay for him to be attracted to you. At one point you wonder if you will ever view relationships the same way.
    When the day he tells you he is thinks he is gay and you are watching sunsets at the beach, everything else disappears. You wonder if you have lost your hearing. You go silent on them for a while, you will need to have some alone time. A time when everything around you gets redefined. At the end of it all you have to make tough choices. As tough as being caring enough to try and help them with the struggle even when all logic says otherwise.
    I do hope that guy figures what he has to face in the choices he will make. The struggle will never be over either way. One battle may end but others will come and they will be tougher.

    At the end of it all, people will judge but then they have no idea what made you make the choices you make.

  73. Call it having the best of both worlds. Rock yourself away boy, and don’t be too hard on yourself. We’re all undergoing some kind of internal struggle and what matters is how you balance it out. Love and cherish your family, value and respect your friends, be free and live your life.

  74. From the comments I’ve Just realized that Kenya has so many open-minded people. Good thing!

    I’ve been trying to write down lengthy responses on how you can go about this crisis, but each time I find one paragraph contrasting the other, so I delete everything.

    However, there are three things that I certainly think you should keep in mind as you search for your answers:

    First learn that all choices have consequences. Whether you decide to keep suppress your feelings, continue doing things secretly, or tell everyone about it – all these have their negative sides. For instance, the mental torture you are undergoing currently is partly as a result of the second choice.

    Secondly, find an open minded counselor who doesn’t view homosexuality as the problem per se. Because the truth is that the main problem here is the society you live in: i,e your family, your friends,your job etc.

    Instead of unfruitful talks on how to end your feelings, find a professional who will be able to discuss with you the entire picture until everything is finally simplified down to “yes” or “no” options. (I prefer white counselors majority of white people tend to be more liberal on these matters…Compared to other races…. Just saying)

    Third, don’t be too selfish while making these choices, At the same time, don’t sacrifice too much for other people.

    Good luck

  75. There’s a guy called John Bevere and about an yr ago he wrote there’s good and there’s God. Good is where most of us are currently falling in, no longer calling out sin but overlooking it and choosing to be nice for everyone to live in peace. First of all homosexuality is a sin we can try to sugarcoat it but the truth is homosexuals are destined for hell and that’s God not necessarily good but God.

    I remember when I got born again almost a decade ago I would be sitting with a fellow believing sister and I would repeatedly get the urge to kiss her on the lips and would think about women breasts etc. Before my getting born again I was as straight as an arrow never had such thoughts cross my mind in my 30+ years.

    After struggling with why I would be struggling with such thoughts something told me to begin praying about. Therefore every time those thoughts I would pray and tell God “look here, I am struggling with these thoughts and I desire to honour you with my life, please help me.” Slowly by slowly those thoughts began disappearing until they were completely gone.

    You can either master your thoughts or they enslave you.

    2 Corinthians 10:5King James Version (KJV)

    5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

    Take those wild thoughts to Christ repeatedly in prayer and He’ll help you. Stop frequenting those place, things and people that trigger ungodliness in you.

    May you get the help you need.

    1. Not everyone can pray away the gay. i hate it when people suggest that!! just because it worked for you does not mean its the “cure” that,s like asking a drug addict to just pray and he will stop taking drugs tomorrow.your also assuming homosexuality is a sin because you read the bible and believe its true.not everyone shares in that belief.

      1. Not necessarily praying it away. The most that this man needs is peace of mind I believe. And from experience, prayer does that, it gives a peace of mind, in the battlefield of your worries,confusion & crises. It also gives you hope, of victory (whatever that is depends on your situation) someday. With peace of mind you gain fresh perspective on so many things … a clarity that would otherwise not be obtained.
        So no… it’s not about praying it away.

  76. i can relate to this guy completely. the feeling comes and goes. its actually fun until its not. its just a confused situation…i cannot throw the stones on this guy.

  77. “ I would have been uncomfortable had you covered my hand with yours and said you were bisexual.” that was really humorous.

    Such cases of identity crisis do come up. It needs confession ( to true friends) so as to feel lighter, step off self-slavery and change for the better.

    Nice read, Biko.

  78. I have had this belief that humans do not like it when they have nothing to worry about. The same reason why some rich folks (I know poor folks do it too) go into drugs is coz they have nothing to worry about… they have everything except worry so they look for it. The guy has what the society calls everything… house, wife, kids, good job.+ side hustle… he’s just looking for something to worry about.

  79. Dear Joe, do what you want with your life but please do not bring your lover around your wife and certainly not those kids.
    You accepted to nurture these feelings by going to gay clubs and even dating a man, you do not have a problem with being gay, no! your only problem is the fear of losing it all.
    Am not judging you, just saying that you brought this on yourself by entertaining these emotions. Think about what your selfishness is going to cost your wife and kids, then Man up and make the right choice.

  80. This world never cease to amaze me. What if this revolved around a bi sexual lady in her 40s. I’m sure they are many closet bisexual men in the same circumstance and a lot more bisexual women in marriages. The difference is that he has the guts to face his fears and speak up albeit anonymously.

  81. i know i like the male species but i also admire and appreciate lovely curves,eyes and smiles but that doesn’t mean am bi am just human.
    when a man treats me as trash i always wonder if it were a woman would she have done the same…i believe its human nature to ask what if but the fear of crossing to the other side holds us back.

  82. life is hard to understand,its so easy to deal with someones trouble or giving the solutions unlike handing our own i totally understand his gentleman ,its been hard giving himself a solution and that is a red bulb its like he knows being bi aint cool but just wants a confirmation from someone who he respects or rather he whats someone telling him to follow his heart which might be being bi.its get hard making your own decision unlike making someone else decision ,my understanding is for him to disclose this to his wife its seem to be the only person he has mentioned who seem to care or rather is a friend or disclose it to someone who should be accompanying you to your therapy because i take you are going to therapy to get off it and not in it.its a sticky situation and its would be well handled if you were two in it.i truly wish you the very best and have peace of mind

  83. I think the starting point is sharing with the wife…as hard as it may sound/look,she already knows something is wrong with you( intemacy once or twice a month) and you are married???ofcourse she has started doing some FBI work.
    Please share with her and let her help you walk and work this out (women are amazing creatures,it will be hard for both if you but God’s grace is sufficient)
    Thirdly do not nuture the spirit of gayism what we feed ourselves with is what our bodies and minds demand always,so cut links with the other guy and build the relationship with your wife,ine day at a time.
    I know this is so hard and praying that God will help you through…no matter what,He loves you and is waiting for you to shout “HELP” to him.
    All the best,in my prayers and thoughts

  84. Deep stuff
    I don’t know anything about this whole scenario but I wouldn’t mind this guy to be my friend. He needs a friend, a real friend, someone who would just listen to him. Someone he can be real with

  85. I have countless memories of Hilton. The most outstanding, a guy I found wanking in the men’s. I also have countless memories and encounters with men who like other men…..I have male friends who are bi….only 2 have tried getting me into 2….and man it is extremely embarassing. And just like that how I interacted with them before….kwisha. One of my bi’ friends do not know I know. Unfortunately I do and the wife does. So the wife and I been secretly trying to help him change. She is very understanding atleast. It is not easy though….so much to say.

  86. very nice way to bring a controversial topic in Africa. Dont i just fall in love with you evryday?

    About the guy, as an HIV researcher, I pray he doesn’t get the bug. MSMs have the highest odds of getting HIV.
    and now that he is on and off with the man, worse .

    the family is more at risk than for that family where the man is messing around with a constant woman in his life

    he needs to protect himself and his family fro the bug.
    The rest will sort themselves out, life first.

    This isn’t a place I would want to be in. Both as him and his wife. God forbido

  87. Good luck to Mr. Anonymous, as he figures this out. His is “as much a story of paradise found as it is of paradise lost” – to quote the NY Times. His story is reminiscent of Oliver in the novel “Call me by your name” by Andre Aciman.

  88. To say that my hurt is not broken would be a huge lie.My heart goes out to him.We all have demons ravaging us but I pray that he finds peace.

  89. Niko kwa mat nikisoma hii story. Them all of a sudden, huyu guy ako next to me anapiga simu and to my surprise, anaongea kama msichana na kasauti ka soft. Na ako na wedding ring. I hope hana hizi conflicts za sexuality.

  90. I will say these words without fear…the soul has no sex (neither male or female or other). I would not look at at his life from a religious perspective because I no longer follow all its teachings. But, what i know is that what you resist, persists!!! Deal with your ‘selves’ and choose the one your soul desires…if it changes status quo, at least you will feel inner satisfaction, that its what you want.
    The man might be incarnating in this lifetime as a man but also with some unfinished business from previous lifetimes(as a woman).
    Soul is just soul, God is SOUL and like the waves in the ocean all souls belong to the one SOUL that has no tags (gender, size, blah blah blah)

  91. “man I have never felt the need to investigate my manhood or rebuild it from back to front”, I see what you did there. Hahaha

  92. I appreciate his coming out to speak on what deeply affects him. My take: For as long as Jesus Christ lives there is no such situation as hopeless or irreversible. Let Him take centre stage in your life. Pray and tell Him details for He listens. Be vulnerable to Him, if you want cry to Him like a child for direction. The depth of peace and direction He will restore will be too much to deal 🙂
    Pray about it!!!

  93. We fight the greatest Jihad within ourselves…….
    I think we should always tell our mind to never mind the unknown,and keep our noses on the grindstone.
    We were created by love,and by love we shall be destroyed.so if it is out of love, who is any of us to judge?

  94. In a strange way, I’d say this guy has the best from both worlds so there’s no need to rock the boat at home. You chose to marry a woman and have kids so you shouldn’t punish them by leaving your wife for a man. You don’t have to love her, but at least there should be that mutual respect. Then still keep your side piece…there’s no need for therapy. You already know what makes you happy only that you need acceptance from a society which still can’t comprehend gay relationships.

    So make peace with yourself in that your wife plays the role of being a companion as per the societal conformity; and the man brings out the passion in you. As long as you are true to your feelings then you don’t need therapy…waste of money. But please protect your wife by always using protection cause side pieces can be all over the place.

    I repeat; enjoy the best of both worlds! It’s the 21st century!!!

  95. This journey of life has no manual… all struggles are valid.. and it is on to not have the answers. thank you fo being there for him Biko. It must have taken a love of courage for such an Alpha male to seek intervention. I think speaking to you is just another avenue since his therapies are not giving him the desired results. May he find peace.

  96. This journey of life has no manual… all struggles are valid.. and it is OK to not have the answers. Thank you for being there for him Biko. It must have taken a lot of courage for such an Alpha male to seek intervention. I think speaking to you is just another avenue since his therapies are not giving him the desired results. May he find peace.

  97. This is an amazing article as always.

    I like how you gave him the option of choice by highlighting his years. Hopefully he thought about it and made the right choice. Personally, I am all for living life to the fullest and most times this collides with societies expectations. However I decided to never let society or anyone for that matter tell me how to live this one life I have. I choose to make my own “mistakes” – I say mistakes because that is the term used when you do things that are considered wrong (well you can call them sins too, but it’s not deep like that). I understand that he has a lot to lose that have taken him years to build, but for anyone else out there, make that move and see what happens. Who knows, maybe then you will find the happiness that seems to be the reserve of a few.

  98. Such a depressing read! The fellow is a prisoner because of the choices he has made. He has made sex the center of his life hence the lack of peace. His priorities are messed up. God should come first, then family followed by everything else. Like all addicts, he should stay away from temptation and get a meaningful hobby. Say for example, charity. He should meet people with real problems to realize his is nothing but a result of bad choices.
    Do right by your family, man! Real help will not come from Biko or therapy. Search for it from God and within yourself. You already know the right thing to do.

  99. Here is a thing about Biko’s pieces…they make you lough out loud and your office colleagues now think you high on some illegal stuff. That lingerie joke had me laughing out loud!

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  101. mmmmmh! Im thinking this guy is so messed up. But the fact that he knows what he wants and what he doesn’t,he should not have much of a problem.

    “I can’t leave to be with a man because I don’t want to be with a man, at least not like that. Plus, there is my reputation to think about, my job to think about, and then of course my children, whom I can’t destabilize because of my identity crisis”.

    Otherwise he should also avoid watching netflix……lol.

  102. Biko, hats off to you. I wouldn’t be as effective navigating unchartered waters like you do.
    Secondly, I am interested in Mr. Anonymous, another meeting with him as follow up to see the progress.

    I admire his commitment in his quest to answer our life’s most important question, who am I?
    His desire to live an honest life and the present realities of his life create the conflict, which he he is not shying away from, but zealously wants to address. Most of us can’t even look at ourselves in the mirror and confront our ghosts.

    The fear that is all so common to the human soul, and our need for acceptance is so present. I can’t help but admire him.

    Mr. Anonymous, our travails are different, but our destiny is shared. I too desire to live an honest life, fully aware of my identity and purpose. Let’s keep at it, we will get it right or get clarity. You are not alone in the struggle for a fulfilled life.

  103. “I think there reaches a point in marriage where such questions become irrelevant, where happiness isn’t within the marriage itself but in the things around it and about it. I love my children.”

    This sounds so true