I am involved in a project where I interview artists – singers, sculptors, painters, dancers, virtuosos in the form of children who play the hell out of a violin, animators – a project commissioned by the Godown Arts Center. It’s helluva lot fun. We sit and talk about their art through their eyes. The other day I went to interview Kevin Oduor, a celebrated sculptor who did The Dedan Kimathi monument and the freedom fighters monument in Uhuru Park. He also crafted the sculpture of Syokimau, the legendary Kamba prophetess who saw the coming of the “metallic snake” that is at the Railway Station, one at Radisson Blu and many more. So yeah, he is a big deal even though I shamefully hadn’t heard of him before.
We agreed to meet at Java, Sarit Center at 3:30pm for the interview because he was giving a talk at a function upstairs at 6pm. I got there at 2pm and to kill time I wandered off to the pet-shop to buy food for Tamms’ hamster. For the longest time she wanted a hamster but come on, we are Africans, we don’t keep rats as pets, do we? But she kept banging on about it so eventually I took up the offer of a True Love writer, Catherine, who had emailed me offering a hamster cage that her son doesn’t use because he’s 21 now and no longer thinks hamsters are cool. I went to pick it up in her house in Lavington, one of those modern apartments where you have to press a buzzer downstairs and then speak through an intercom before they let you in. Great for keeping off relatives from shags. And people from the County Council’s water department.
“Yes?” a young man’s voice inquired in the intercom. Everybody sounds like a pilot on those things, quite nasal.
“Uhm, this is Biko, I’m here to pick up a hamster’s cage from, er, Catherine?”
Catherine’s son – who bounded down to open for me was tall, polite and had really nice hair. Like a full head of black hair. I wanted to touch his hair and feel how spongy it was. He said he was Malcolm. Malcolm with the good hair. Upstairs, Catherine waited with the hamster cage on the table. It had all these bits and bobs that I had to figure out how to put back together. Her elderly mother sitting next to her. “You should write about this boy, he’s a musician and very talented. Malcom, show him your music.” She had white hair and had a shuka spread across her feet even though it was sunny outside.
I asked Malcolm if he had a CD with his music. He must have really wanted to roll his eyes. It’s like asking someone if they have a compact cassette in 2017. He said evenly, “No, but you can check us out on SoundCloud: revampke.” Do I even know how these things work? So I asked him to email me a link. I picked my hamster cage, tucked it under my arm, thanked Catherine, said something respectful to the mother and was out. Children played outside in the Saturday afternoon sun.
Tamms – in her infinite wisdom – named the hamster Olav. (I haven’t gathered the guts to ask her what Olav means.) A month later she had lost interest in Olav. Nobody seems to care for that hamster anymore. Now the hamster just eats, sleeps the whole day and grows fat. I don’t think it minds because it’s having the time of its life. Nobody bothers it. It swings and slides and it naps under wood shavings and drops little pellets. And it smells.
So anyway, I buy food for Olav and then sit in Java by 3pm, a massive iced Arnold Palmer set before me, as I wait and try not to eavesdrop on the conversation between two skinny Asian girls on the next table. The one wearing silver shoes is talking about another girl whom she obviously doesn’t like. The clatter of cutlery rises from tables as I wait for Kevin Oduor. I hadn’t bothered to Google Kevin Oduor because I like it when I’m surprised, And Kevin surprised me. Because he came with one arm. Not intentionally, though; his right arm was gone.
He said hello by grabbing my hand with his left hand and my only thought was, “Should I ask him about his missing arm during the interview or would that be rude?” Anyway, he was a complete sport, Kevin, so he volunteered the story of the missing arm which, curiously, spurred him into becoming the celebrated sculptor he has become.
This is not even the point of this story.
On Sunday morning I sat in a café with another interviewee, a girl called Lulu, who apart from being in development communication also makes pots. While you are drinking beer over the weekend she goes to Ngong Road where those guys sell pots and fills her time making the pots with them. She doesn’t expect proceeds from the sale of the pots she has made, she just does it because she loves pottery. She loves the way something like a pot can rise from dust, something so seemingly innocuous. Which, curiously, is where man rose from.
Anyway, after the interview she says, “Sorry, but my younger sister Samira, is a massive fan of yours, she introduced me to your blog. She tagged along because she would like to meet you, would you please meet her?”
“Sure, but where is she?” I asked.
“She’s hiding somewhere in this café,” she laughed. “Let me fetch her.”
Samira turned out to be as smart and beautiful as the potter herself. The three of us got talking and laughing and then I asked her if she’s dating. Oh, come on, don’t give me that look, this is what happened. This younger sister dabbles in painting on the side too ( a family of artists) and I asked her if she has a studio and she said no, she paints in her bedroom. In my head I pictured that new Netflix series called “She’s Gotta Have It”: A man lying naked in bed watching his woman paint wearing nothing but a paintbrush, getting increasingly impressed by her strokes. So now you see why my question was relevant?
Anyway, turns out she isn’t dating. Neither is her big sister. I found that curious. Why aren’t these smart, beautiful women dating? “Because we don’t like these ‘cheers baba’ men, and that’s all that is out there,” Lulu said. “I meet a lot of married men, though, and they want to date and you should hear the things they say,” Samira said. I heard a few of them and thought, “Oh come on, we as a generation of men, can do better than that!”
So I asked female friends, single and dating, the craziest things married men have told them. It was hilarious, mostly because, really, who is going to step forward and cast the first stone? Who is so clean that one day they didn’t stretch the truth with a bird in a moment of weakness of the flesh?
Gentlemen, I combined a few lines that we use that are no longer working. This is a mirror to what we say according to women we say them to. Most are ridiculous and recycled, some are funny, others are sad, others insulting. We seem set in the infallible belief that women will believe anything we say, even if we don’t believe it ourselves. Amazingly, sometimes they do. Or they just don’t care enough to interrogate those lines.
So here we go. This, by the way, is in no order of importance.
1.“We sleep in separate bedrooms.”
I’m surprised that this line is still used in 2017. I thought it was last used just before Franco died? Surely guys, if our fathers used this line, why can’t we at the very least develop it? Make it better for future generations to also take it to the next level? Are we that busy not to? Here is something that might be slightly less cheesier. “We sleep in separate bedrooms because my wife has arthritis and her knees are really painful at night so she hates sharing the bed because they hurt when I turn. And I turn a lot.”
2. “She doesn’t even like my mom.”
Who wouldn’t like my mom? She’s amazing. She sings in the church choir. She is part of the women’s group in shags that takes care of orphans. Orphans! Anybody who doesn’t like Mom is just nasty. And I’m unhappy that she doesn’t like Mom. I’m looking for someone who can like Mom, because Mom needs to be liked. Hang on, let me show you a picture of Mom….here, look at that smile, do you like Mom?
3. “My house has a problem with network.”
I like this one. I really do. Because it blames the big guy, it blames Safaricom. They make millions in profits, surely, they should be able to take one for the team for just this once for a brother.
4. “I will leave her for you.”
This is a problem because every time we are packed something happens. There is a leaking sink and surely we can’t leave her with a leaking sink, can we? Or worse just as we are about to leave she falls pregnant, and it’s not cool to leave someone during the first trimester when they are throwing up daily. Even God would be like, “Ahh, hapana, I didn’t steal a rib for this kind of nastiness.” But we will leave. When things are great.
5.”My wife joined this new church, so ati she’s off sex.”
If your wife joins a church where the pastor has many white handkerchiefs, that’s a bad sign. No man should have that many white handkerchiefs, unless he’s in Koffi’s band.
6. “This is not a wedding band, I have a low iron condition.”
“Oh, so how does it work?”
It slowly “deposits” quantities of iron in my system.
“Oh no. How long have you had this condition?”
Since primo. [Puppy face]
“Oh no, you poor thing.”
I will be fine. It’s not that bad, only that sometimes I feel dizzy. Like now. Can I lie on your lap?
7. “Of all the places I’d rather be in the world, I’d rather be here with you. When I’m at home, I’m just there physically but my soul lives here.”
Shakespeare, move over with your dreadful moustache.
8. “We are going through a rough patch.”
Gentlemen, we all have to agree to stop using this one. A rough patch is when you are constipated on top of having a sore throat.
9. “She’s a crazy woman who is always fighting me and doesn’t understand me.”
Oh you poor thing. I think any older, wiser man will tell you to never talk ill of your wife to another woman. In fact, never talk about her, period. Not her name, not what she does, not what she likes, not how you met, not what gym she goes to, not if she wears rollers to bed, not if she drinks a lot…nothing. If that conversation is brought up, shut it down.
When you hear of those crazy stories of someone’s wife being called by another girl, chances are that genius is always talking ill about his wife to that girl who now feels it’s open season to just call her. The wife sits on a throne, everybody else is a peasant around her. Including you.
10.“Lucy, I really see a future with you.”
This is always delivered in a whisper and with a pained expression, as if the bra he is fiddling with has factory defects.
11. “Nizalie mtoto mmoja tu, mpenzi.”
This sounds like something our brothers from coasto would say. I just see the guy drinking soda and wearing open shoes, little beads of perspiration on his hairline.
12. “I’m married, but it’s not serious.”
I like this one because it’s funny. It’s funny because it makes marriage sound like a condition: “Mr Biko, you have a rash but it’s not serious. It should be able to go away if you stay away from direct sunlight.” Or like a small toe you have hit against a doorway: it hurts, yes, but it’s not that serious not to wear a shoe. So when does a marriage get serious? Does 30 years into the marriage make it serious? Well there is not one single answer to adequately answer that question. But a good guess would be “After she has finished paying the loan she took to help him build the roof to the family home.”
13. “I’m temporarily staying with my mom.”
Of course, and Mom, apart from forcing you to eat all your vegetables, has a no-phones rule after 7pm. So don’t call me, I will call you. In the morning.
14. “She trapped me with pregnancy.”
Meanwhile you have four kids. Those are four traps.
15. Lastly, “I’m not married.”
This worked before the internet and mobile phones. When communication was through post. Now it’s pointless for us to lie about our marital status because women know when you are married. They smell it off you. They see it in your body language. You can use their loo and when they walk in there later they will know because a married man’s urea smells different. A single man’s urea smells of eggs and overnight fries. Women will tell you are married by how you hold your spoon and chew your food. They will look at our shirt, the way it’s ironed, and know you are married. There is a sheen to a married man’s face, even one who is unhappy. In a bar married men’s gazes are always unconsciously drifting towards the wall clock, or to their phones.
But let’s say she is one of those very trusting women who believe in the greater good and honesty of mankind. As nature would have it, the universe has a way of protecting this kind of girl; in the form of one annoying girlfriend who sees all the things she can’t see. The friend constantly wears flat shoes and a cynical look. You will be introduced to her once, and she will tell her girlfriend, “Jennifer, darling, that man has been married for as long as I have been wearing acrylic nails.”
So we can hide a coin or a flatulence condition but we can’t hide a wife.
Here is the most amazing thing about these lines, gentlemen. They haven’t worked because they are clever lines, or that they were delivered with some pizzaz, no. They have worked because the recipients somehow choose to believe them, to give them a life. And most of them will continue to work until someone says, “hang on, but my pal lives on that road and she always has network.” To which you will say, “Does your pal own a Blackberry?”
Reason #6 for the win!
Good read, Biko. Happy Tuesday.
Very refreshing piece Biko
The reason the lines don’t work is because the fact that you have to use lines aka lies means that you have already put me in that category of sub species you consider intellectually inferior. “Aki si you know chics you have to lie to them ndio wakupee”(rolls eyes significantly )
How about trying to just say I am married yes I don’t believe in monogamy though I expect it from my wife and though i Iied to the whole world and her that I would be monogamous . Cos guess what maybe just maybe I believe monogamy is silly and who knows I could be having a dry spell or fancy you . Humans would avoid a lot of nonsense if they can just be forthright with each other
I have this crazy thing I want to say about fruits Low lying fruits and fruits high up (Haha! High is only up) a tree but I can’t say for the sake of peaceful coexistence.
Lies, however, spice up life. Truth is bland. Like a hamster named Olav who just eats with no play. Remember all work (and) eat that makes Jack a dull boy?…That way
Sema tu.Safe zone… Where is the emoji for wink wink
Lay out your cards and let me make the decision of getting involved with you or not, right?
Baaaas . Tukule hio bland truth manze. Lets spice up our lives with other things not lies .
Imagine olaf looking forward to winter and someone deciding not to make his life bland by telling him he is a snowman..
Hehehehe the name and the comment….made my morning…as well as the article….
By the time you are old enough to be married i think time for mind games inafaa kuwa up, i mean if she the younging you are eyeing has decided she can co-exist with the knowledge of kuna mama watoto home then let her make that choice. We must really look stupid when she finds out you were married and are trying to apologise for that shit. treat her like an adult and let her decide whether or not she will indulge in this happening
I have a strong feeling that truth ,if delivered exactly as you have put it, will work like a charm.
Well, it actually works better than a charm. It makes some people irresistible.
Waiting for the comments
“Nizalie mtoto mmoja tu, mpenzi.” Hahaha! Am gone!
The wife sits on a throne, everybody else is a peasant around her. Including you.
Write more on wives and recommend it to all men for a daily read.
“This is not a wedding band, I have a low iron condition.”…. I will be fine. It’s not that bad, only that sometimes I feel dizzy. Like now. Can I lie on your lap?
Best line ever. I will be putting it into practice later in the day. Who knows?
I *literally* rolled my eyes at this one.
Awesome as always
“This is not a wedding band, I have a low iron condition.”….and this one works???
Hahahahahahahahha, you forgot one Biko, ‘lets start a business together, when we are up and okay I will marry you’ lol. All I can say is, 70% of men in this generation are very stupid. Make that 90% for the group 20-40 years, total disaster! The single ones are no different. Marriage is no longer a priority to a woman with a third eye; that’s why you will see them buy fuel guzzlers, land, homes and visit almost all countries when they are barely 30 years.
Imagini this is turuuu. While sex is still a big priority for us marriage is not. Lines should stay where they were originally meant to be .Kwa nywele.But your stats are a bit far fetched.Let me go before I start not all men speeches
Olav is the very adorable witty snowman(snowboy?) from Frozen.Just search ‘Frozen-let it go’ on youtube and walk in Tamm’s room singing it..erm..if you can i.e…gamechanger:):)
Im thinking she may have gotten this from Count Olaf-Lemony Snicket’s Series of unfortunate events?
Hehe. Some of these lies though. ”I have low iron condition” smh. Who would even believe such?
That BlackBerry part is true 🙂 🙂
Eh? i’m lost. Kevin Oduor’s Story?
I was also waiting to read something about him, maybe the interview will come out in the Business Daily or so?
I also want to read that interview.
I also want to read about Kevin Oduor’s story
Hahahaha….yes men!. you can’t hide a wife. A fart maybe….. but not a wife!
“They smell it off you. They see it in your body language. You can use their loo and when they walk in there later they will know because a married man’s urea smells different. A single man’s urea smells of eggs and overnight fries. Women will tell you are married by how you hold your spoon and chew your food”.
It is true. Call it a woman’s instinct or something else but women know, they just know, even when they don’t, they know
Yass,Biko what a great time to call men and all their bs out. you had me especially when you said,”Even God would be like, “Ahh, hapana, I didn’t steal a rib for this kind of nastiness.” But we will leave. When things are great.”
this the male version of Joan’s book “Too pretty to be broke and other lies we tell ourselves as women’
5.”My wife joined this new church, so ati she’s off sex.”
If your wife joins a church where the pastor has many white handkerchiefs, that’s a bad sign. No man should have that many white handkerchiefs, unless he’s in Koffi’s band.”
WOW!! So funny.
brothers, let’s stick with ‘I work with NIS, we can only use the safe houses am allocated’
Haha….ati safe house but you jamaas
Hahaha have heard about ‘ I was at high sea, because I work in the Navy.’ This NIS and safe house is new.
wooooow, that’s another level
LMAO! But surely, ‘we’ use such nasty a** lines and then cry foul that the boy child is ‘being shunned’ (in this particular context). It’s all fun and pickup lines til I found that guys in 2017 still pull the “Aki lemme just put the tip in,that’s practically not sex”.
What??! 1 out of 20 will say this works too. They probably wear white brogues too.
*Heads over to Netflix*
Biko, I feel cheated out of 3 stories. Where is Kevin oduors story? Malcolm and Olav are two separate stories. I hope this means that next week we get 4 stories.
Biko was surely wheting our appetites for those 3 stories. Lets wait and see.
Here is something that might be slightly less cheesier. “We sleep in separate bedrooms because my wife has arthritis and her knees are really painful at night so she hates sharing the bed because they hurt when I turn. And I turn a lot.”
Hehe thats a funny one….
This is true and there are some a dude tells you wonder if he was dropped on his head. I find it amazing the lengths they would go. It has no barrier. They tell this to even the married women.
I totally agree, never discuss your wife with the gal you are hitting on. Good or bad, it’s not her business to know.
There is a sheen to a married man’s face, even one who is unhappy… So true.
LESS IMPRESSIVE, REALLY,……………………you could continue with the 50s series for a change
I second that!
These lies have existed all this while because they actually work. Don’t blame the liar, blame the believer.
Our first pets were guinea pigs (are they the same as hamsters?), before we moved on to a goldfish that died after a couple of months, then cats and finally settled on dogs. Can’t stand pets in the apartment now, but hopefully someday we’ll get a pet for the little big one. Maybe Tamms needs a different pet now to ease the boredom.
Men (both single and married) tell a heck of alot of lies. A man/boy of integrity is somewhat rare these days. All we have trying to cross our paths, are frauds with a predatorial streak in them. The saddest thing is that they think they are being smart, yet we can smell them a mile away.
Women shouldn’t waste time dating people with whom they see no future with, not for survival, not for nothing. It’s a slippery slope that gets nowhere.
I like what Elizabeth Gilbert said in her book Eat, Pray and Love; “I have given myself away in love many times, merely for the sake of love. And I’ve given away the farm sometimes, in that process. If I am to truly become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of being my own guardian.”
Every woman must be the guardian of her life.
BikoZulu, I like it when you start a story and really finish if. I do not like it when you give short incomplete stories. What happened to the sculpture he does not have one arm? What did he tell you when you met?
But I just love your complete stories. I do not know how you learnt to write so well. Make dead thingsl live. I adore you and would like to meet you one day.
Look at it as if it’s a conversation you’re having. When you’re talking to someone, you digress and say a little story that isn’t relevant, get back on track, then digress again, and again. Same as with his stories. That’s how I look at them. I ain’t even mad he didn’t finish the Kevin story or go into details about Lulu. It’s a conversation for another day or another place.
I am convinced he didn’t write it to the end because he will write it somewhere else. Like he said, it is a project he is working on. Not like when he used to interview people in their 40’s solely for this blog. I would challenge you to try and be open minded, just a little.
A guy told me,” I never wanted her she forced herself on me.One day she just moved into my house and refused to leave.Now she wants kids but I dont” That was insult to my intelligence . The other one says so long as he is providing for his wife she has no reason to be jelous. The other one argues his wallet gives him the right and men are polygamous by nature.Problem is if he ever buys you coffee at java or a bar of valentino chocolate he assumes that is spending that now he can claim as money spent on you and it must mean something. I told him if it was about money, it has to be the kind that can take me to catargena Spain for holiday not coffee at Java. Also it seems some men still think when a woman says she is not interested she is just playing hard to get, and no means yes…surely at this day and age . Am I the only one who feels offended by such crude thinking.
I totally agree!
There’s one who told me he’s married but considers himself single
l have ever heard of “do you own a black berry or a brack berry” if its the latter then that type does not have network or something like it updates and post stuff without my input
Actually that is Olaf
Where is Kevin Oduor’s part?
Biko, still following on Kelvin’s story…….
Info on how I can hide my flatulence condition will be really appreciated. Somebody? Anybody?
You have to have your acid levels checked. Meanwhile you can get an antiacid syrup?
…..slowly “deposits” quantities of iron in my system. This is hilarious!!
You forgot “we have been sleeping on the same bed for a year but I have not been having sex with her”…..sigh
Haha, I actually thought Biko would talk about the sculptor
Yawa biko whats happening… i need those solid stories of yours… this one was too light for me
This didn’t work for me today. smh.
Sometimes we listen to that B.S because the dude as big feet, dressed in nice shoes and we are going through a … dry patch..aka kutoa lock!
You forgot ‘to add a potbellied testosterone-filled S of a B telling his bird ‘she has grown fat’……
Good men are hard to find…many women are desperate to find them,so they pin their hopes on all these lies thinking something will change.Sadly this day never comes.
”The wife sits on a throne, everybody else is a peasant around her. Including you.” I like this, very nice and true.
Sometimes kings eat alone as they stare at the peasants eating rich meals in the villages carefree
the shit married men say
The “shit we say”!! Couldn’t have put it any better. The ladies on here should add to that list, the male species is quite interesting.
One always whispered on phone and said he didnt’ want the neighbors to eavesdrop. See the apartment walls were so thin you could hear a needle drop in next room.
Not related ti this post, I miss stories about Tamms. Has her attitude changed? Does she smile more? Does she like your pants now or did you have to ditch all your”fancy” ones?
me i dont know having been played before
Biko a humster is a RAT… You bought Tamms a RAT…
6,11,15 off the hook! lol!
”The wife sits on a throne, everybody else is a peasant around her. Including you.” Naked Truth.
I mean she is number one he will bitch all over but she is number ONE.
Lol one once told me, ”I am not in a rush to sleep with you.” Really guys?
I will admit Biko, This piece is one of your lesser quality ones. I usually like your ‘all over the place’ thing coz it’s usually funny and the way you throw in the punch lines leave me thinking about the piece all day after reading. This one I feel like it was a struggle for you to find something to write; a last minute ditch to meet the Wednesday submission. But again Biko, I have put you on a high pedestal; I won’t be lowering you any time soon. Looking forward to next week’s piece. Meanwhile I will go marvel again at Sukeiman’s goat. Or see how many kits the pharmacy has sold to the Faridah’s loves of Nairobi.
PS. Maybe my line to you should be :Roulette is just my pen name; it should be Biko but the way my bank account is set up…… I can’t afford to change it now. .
If I were a cheesy 40 year old dude in another life maybe I would be the Shakespeare guy. I won’t pretend I understand the hullabaloo of extramarital affairs and why men are on the wrong end but I think in the perfect world if you like someone you tell them, if you want to sleep with them just tell them, if you want to marry them and be monogamously in love till death….damn right…tell them!
There is this part in Sitcom Two and half Men,where Alan and Charlie(charlie is my hero, the bugger became HIV positive but i don’t give a rat ass about that) they are arguing because Alan is dating two women at the same time then their mom Evelyn enters and says ‘Alan never ease your conscience buy dumping sense to the woman you love’ I live by that phrase. Let her know as much as she is supposed to know ;women love puzzles,mysterious and unpredictable men are having the best of them
A man lying naked in bed watching his woman paint wearing nothing but a paintbrush, getting increasingly impressed by her strokes. So now you see why my question was relevant?Great line..
It gets better if you have watched the series. Hilarious.
Olaf is the adorable snowman in Frozen.
Even God would be like, “Ahh, hapana, I didn’t steal a rib for this kind of nastiness.” But we will leave.
Things dear Lord says on behalf of male species, smh
Very interesting….as always
Wololo! Here for the comments (Insert thinking emoji)
And I’m here thinking oh my gosh! Farida from Good Life is here! Just kidding. Lol!!
Hahahahahahahah! Well i wish the cat would remain in the bag longer…. it is I …..lover of strawberry Mojitos and chaser of hard grown men out the door to get a damn HIV test! Many are baying for my blood!
She trapped me with pregnancy.”
Meanwhile you have four kids. Those are four traps…..haha i have been trapped too though na mmoja tu…… Bt you know this is possible, men are so blind they can’t see all the traps she lays plus a man is always fertile we don’t have safe days so we can be trapped any hour or minute heck even second for those who release faster kama…(na sijataja Matiang’i )
‘Why wouldn’t anybody love my mother’
wait, here’s a pic, see that smile!!
punishment inacome bado inafanya press ups!
Nice read Cousin ( kasiin). That’s right Biko, I feel like we are related now. When are we catching up at Java?
Now, Olav is the snowman in the animation Frozen. Am a sucker for animations. Olav said the famous words “some people are worth melting for”. Karibu Cousin
I love that line. Now I want to watch Frozen again.
Some people are indeed worth melting for…. 🙂 Another favorite line I have is from Boss Baby.. ‘those who can do, do. And those who can’t, supervise’
I’m temporarily living with mum………….no-phone calls after 7pm….don’t call me, I will call you in the mornin.
heheheee, amusing one!
And then there’s the other classic:
“You have a ring, are you married?”
“Err..just a little bit…”
We really see struggles in these streets.
Hamster ni panya? Asking for a friend.
Si juzi juzi tu hapa Biko was trying to kill an office rat? Ama ni mimi sifuati hizi ma story?
Oh. Lord. This comment has killed me.
Good read esp piss smelling chips and eggs
The have worked because recipients chose to believe and still continue to believe these lines (lies) ……. Biko you should hear the lines from the village fellas.
this one…mmh apana
Awesome read! That Kevin story though?
you have forgotten, ‘there is more to me than being married’ or i’m a little married’
yea…This didn’t work for me. What’s happening Biko?Of late you’ve been writing on extramarital affairs..
Good Read as always Biko
Your publisher let you post this?!
I was once told after going on three very good coffee dates and me thinking about how I have landed a jackpot and already named our babies together and pictured a white beach wedding.. ‘I have a girlfriend but we are having issues’… N then he ghosted me.. Then came back three months later with a ‘Am sorry can we try and make it work again… via telegram not even a phone call.. Men i tell you….
I really want to know what happened to Kevin though..
I can’t believe someone would actually say this things. The point of all of it is sex. Just just tell the girl she beautiful and her ass is fine and you want to have her. So ask her out and hit that shit later that night as simple as that.
You spoke my language Biko!
wait, where did Oduor disappear to?Oooh, i get it, he transformed to the two wonderful single artists.
How about when they say ” I wish i had meet you earlier ”.
What do they mean by earlier ? And do we freeze time ama ? and also , now that we have meet later what happens ?
Okay ….now you made me google ……. .. but the images you first meet…..EH!!!! Thirst!!
More stories from Kevin Oduor please….
I am stuck at Olav the hamster….place is the imaginary snow man created by Elsa in Frozen the animation. You are welcome:)
“I’m married in Kenya, single in Uganda” and then the guy looks at me like he expects applause for that silly line
Anyway my favourite was “I’m married but it’s not serious.” That guy has a sense of humour hehe.
I used to own a Blackberry then one day as I was making a call poof it went blank I had to get a new phone anyway it was an interesting read kwanza that nizalie mtoto thing nailed it and the I am married but it’s not serious thing married men are just funny
That was a good read Biko…..With every post i learn a thing Thanks!
I must admit Lulu and I share one thing; We “love the way something like a pot can rise from dust, something so seemingly innocuous.”
I would like to develop this hobby n curiousity further….if ok kindly i would like to get to Know Lulu 🙂
Not to sound corny, but the truth does set one free. Every lie has to subsequently be covered up with another one, and before you know it, you are like Olav the hamster, only not having the time of your life.
Hahaha . . Bikini,Nowadays they don’t lie they just tell you straight to your face that they are married and want to start a ” nyumba ndogo” initiative and you are the chosen vessel that would complete his vision. . .
Great Article Biko. A wise man told me that honesty is the best policy but practicing it is hard in this generation.
Then I’m left to wonder who bewitched us – victims of married men Shit!! 🙂
May 2018 be the year we rise above the silly ashes
She’s a crazy woman who is always fighting me and doesn’t understand me…..This is crazy…why then did u marry her in the first place….or why haven’t you divorced her then…when a man says something like this to you, it is a sign to RUN.
This was so meh!!
“She trapped me with pregnancy.”
Had to read this one out loud with a naija accent….
Ati 4 traps? hehehehehehhe….aki i am dead!!
Some guy actually told me, “I’m married, love my wife, she comes first, but I believe we are capable of loving more than one person all in a different way.” And he tells that to every girl he hits on
“I will be fine. It’s not that bad, only that sometimes I feel dizzy. Like now. Can I lie on your lap?”, oh dear lawd..
There is so much bullshit out there that i am surprised we are still in the market for it. By all means do not read this as a dairy of a bitter woman 😛
Hi Biko Zulu, today there was no article to read,since morning I have been refreshing my email to check if you have updated any?
Married Dude: Baby, please let me take care of you…..
Unmarried Dudette: But si you’re a family man
Married Dude: It’s you that I love
Unmarried Dudette: *Kwisha*
‘Malcom with the good hair’.. Why now? This piece is so good, I just couldn’t stop reacting literary almost after every sentence.
Ati I have a low iron condition?? Woi!! Hehehe!!
Meanwhile, y’all have a hamster?? That is like super white. Hehehe
A little all over the place..
Here this, Biko. I am so superior I can cause wars, diseases and people to be employed in the Developing World. Never mind that I am a housewife in the Developed World whose course in not Nursing. Never mind that I am dependant on my husband. Meaning, I am not that important in the Developed World but the Queen of Sheba in the LDCs for those who are naiive (that is 1.2 billion). Yeah, I bank on high literacy rates in Kenya to boost my popularity in this Green Continent. So, where was I? This gig you have on artists-I fall on that category. See, I trained for Hollywood but I kinda slacked out when my advised me not to but Nollywood looks promising, though with my Developed Accent its kind of tricky plus Pidgin is not my lingua franca. Anyway, where was I? Yes, that bit about promoting artists. I am coming to code +254 in February to discipline some African and I expect some promotion work for you. Y’know, the works!! Seeing how I have told you earlier on about by lean budget, I nevertheless expect First World Treatment: a Monster Limousine, streets of Nairobi to be covered in red carpet so that my shoes do not step on the grime and filth, bodyguards (not Githeri Man, HELL NO) and I expect to stay in a 7 star hotel or if you cannot manage, Villa Rosa Kempinsinki. I have important work to showcase: my unoriginal blog. Why should I go around collecting original works when I can just copy the works of African midgets.
Biko I am angry that you have deleted my comments about me being the First World Female disparaging the 1.2 billion Africans in the Developing World for their naivety for being blind to the fact that my course is not as important as Nursing in the Industrialised World and that I am a trained film maker going to Hollywood but Nollywood is a much realistic concept. Yeah, I am coming to Code +254 in February and boy this banana republic had better be prepared! Biko mind the facts about my stay as an artist who exploits the Third World by recopying their facts on my blog. You Africans are nothing and I will come there to transform you. Ciao.
Signed: Clapback Female
You would think people would fall over what a female from the Industrialised World has to say
There is something refreshing about you…you are so real unlike most women in my life …
I mean i am married but its complicated …we dont even have sex anymore …
I mean i love my wife and all but there is something in you that makes me just feel good ..
We both know our boundaries so its a win win for both of us …
All this got me thinking maybe we should stop putting too much value to sex ..and just call it a thing that you chose to either enjoy with one person or with multiple …its about choices ..just like you can chose to drink alone…or you are a crowd kind of guy .
Things seem to have been much better when our ancestors were allowed to stray a bit just to make sure that you have one good kid in the family should a curse befall your family name …
Reason #6 for PRESIDENT!.
A married man’s urea is different ha ha ….really Biko but I kinda agree they have a certain sheen- of “contentment”.
Here’s one silly one – you can trust me am not the kind of guy that sleeps around
“Nizalie mtoto mmoja tu, mpenzi.”
This sounds like something our brothers from coasto would say. I just see the guy drinking soda and wearing open shoes, little beads of perspiration on his hairline.
this one had me on the floor dying. someone said this to me a week ago. a Tanzanian man!!!!!(potero ,potato).
when i asked him why he said that. he said, you’re such a hard worker, you hustle and you’re so independent, i like that. bruh! i cant even. did women start paying men child? i am not understanding
Ah, Biko you guy,
This has me in stitches. I never respond to such emails on blogs but yours, particularly this one, I couldn’t resist……..ati married men’s urea smells different? since when
the low ion condition one