A Good Hammer

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1007

She often goes to a spa over the weekend for a body scrub and an aromatherapy massage, after which she sits in the garden and drinks a glass of tonic water with a slice of lemon or herbal tea because she’s now a teetotaller. She had her last alcoholic drink four years ago, on the night of her 33rd birthday. Five Whisky Sours and three tequilas later, she had stepped out of the bar to clear her light head of the alcohol, the loud shrieks of her drunken girl friends and the screaming music and short shimmering cocktail dresses gyrating in the thrall of hedonism. Her husband – on some transatlantic flight  – had missed the party. Outside, a guy smoking under the awning of the night had said, “Happy birthday!” and offered her his burning, half-smoked cigarette. Though she was not a smoker, she pinched it between her freshly-manicured fingers and they shared that one cigarette, not uttering one word in conversation. The next day she had a terrible sore throat. And she never drank again. Or smoked with nameless strange men. 

On those afternoons after the scrub and massage her skin feels rich, like it can grow a cash crop. She feels the glow from within, as if a sun lives within her and she wants to curl up and hold herself like a fetus to keep it all inside, to trap it within her. She loves these moments. They are the only times she’s truly alone; away from her children and away from her emails and the various demands of being a woman. On rare occasions she will take a picture of these moments with her phone and post on social media; most times she will just lean back and close her eyes and enjoy the moment selfishly, like a secret that will never pass through her lips. Ironically, although these moments offer refreshing solitude and relaxation, they also ring hollow with a niggling restlessness, something abstract, something echoing with insecurity, dissatisfaction, but often if she just shuts her eyes and turns away from that interrogatory pulse, the feeling slowly subsides under the disturbed surface. 

At 37-years she’s learning to slowly ease her foot off life’s pedal because she has always been in a hurry; hurry to get a career, hurry to get her name on the door, hurry to get a family, hurry to clamber up Maslow’s Hierarchical ladder and prove that she is enough. She’s never been one to sit waiting in queues in banks and salons or for her vegetables to be weighed and packed. She wants everything express; to crash against life like a strong wave against a rocky shore, over and over until the land cedes for her. She wants to rise and rise, to soar to ridiculous charmed places she dreamt of as a girl, places that she now realises are metaphorically often masquerading as ambition. She wants to raise her head above the parapet but her mostly melancholic personality stands in her way. She loves the silence of her mind but is confused by the turmoils of her heart’s yearnings. 

She has done what she’s supposed to do. She went to school without falling pregnant, without the truancy and rebellion of youth. She passed, joined university, drank, partied, slept with some amazing guys and some first-class shitheads, graduated, got a job, met a man, dated him properly, married him in a church in a white sleeveless gown, got babies and worked her ass up the ladder in the office, pushing and jostling, Sun Tzu’s The Art Of War tucked under her arm. She engages in constructive social forums and wider political worldviews. She will occasionally participate in charity walks, doesn’t let hair grow under her arms and has so far planted seventeen trees. She prays often and even visits a children’s home every other year bearing shopping to cleanse the passion with which she has wanted to acquire a certain lifestyle. She has done everything, well most things, yet, now in her late 30’s she feels a tidal wave of restlessness breaching her walls. 

A few weeks ago she arrived home and found her husband was  back from his week-long trip overseas. He came downstairs to the parking with one of the kids as soon as he heard her car. She had had a long day, her feet hurt, she wanted to walk barefoot on the gravel. He hugged her while she held her purse in one hand. He was in his sleeping shorts. He smelled of shower gel. His one week old stubble pricked her cheeks. He carried the groceries from the boot and later leaned on the door of the kitchen as he watched her wash an apple at the sink. “He was so happy to see me and I wondered why I wasn’t as happy,” she says. “Don’t get me wrong, I was happy he was back home safe, but if he had extended his trip for another week, I don’t think I would have been sad. You get?”

“Uhm… sort of…no,” I say. 

“I’m supposed to be happy,” she explains. “Everything I have is supposed to make me happy and content, but I’m not happy and at the same time I’m not unhappy.” We are on the phone, one of the six or so phone interviews we will have. I make these phone calls from Tafaria Castle either facing the Aberdare ranges, or sitting on the grass or lying in my room, the room reflected on the television I will never put on. “He’s a terrific guy, my husband,” she says. “Sometimes I hear what other husbands do and I just can’t. I feel lucky, I know I’m lucky but I just don’t appreciate it…I feel somewhat trapped.”

“By what?” I ask.

“By my  life.”

She doesn’t want me to tell you exactly how they met, so I will stretch the story on how they met. One evening because of unpredictable aviatic events that are too bland to recount, she found herself on the jumpseat of the last local flight. As she sat there, propped up, the First Officer in his crisp whites kept turning to crack jokes about her 90-degree posture throughout the flight. He continued those jokes a week later when he found her number and called her, then continued them weeks later in a bar and then two years later on their wedding day. You wouldn’t say it was a running joke but more like a flying joke. There are head guys then there are heart guys: Head guys will wonder why you didn’t carry a jacket. Heart guys will cover your goose-pimpled shoulders with their jacket. He is a heart guy. When he laughs, a loudness that comes from that heart, neighbours hear him through walls. Doves sitting on rooftops, grooming themselves, cock their heads towards the sound. He gives great big hugs. He makes big meals. He dreams big dreams and goes for them blindly, with unabashed innocence, almost recklessness. His posture-jokes were pale and peeling but she knew he was going to be a good husband before he proposed. “He was responsive to my needs before I was even aware of them myself.”

“So what do you want?” I ask her because now I’m thinking she’s married to Jesus’s cousin. 

“I don’t know.”

Two years ago, she says, she started watching pornography and because of that, because she felt “dirty and morally deliquent”, she started seeing a therapist. 

“What kind of pornography?” I ask. 

“What do you mean?” 

“As in, white buffed up men and black girls, balding tattooed black men with thin blonde white girls, big black women with shy thin Asian men, bestality, nurses who force you to take your meds, nurses who take your meds…” She starts laughing and I keep going, “…nurses who tie you with a stethoscope and force you to say “aaaaaaa”, nurses who are not even nurses but are actually M-Pesa shop attendants…”

“Stop,” she says laughing. “Stop.” 

I stop, albeit reluctantly. 

“I like the boring kind of pornography, women on women. Mostly white women, not black women.” 

“So on top of your sexual illicitness you are also a racist.”

Ha-ha.

When I suggest to her that she has lesbian fantasties, she says she doesn’t at all. “I have never been interested in women, I don’t like women like that. My therapist doesn’t think this is even about sex; she thinks it’s about freedom. That I want to move from a mould I have built for myself and it’s my mind subconsciously driving me into the other path. That I want a challenge.” 

So she advised her to try challenging herself to do things she would normally never do. She started learning how to ride a horse, then she learnt how to ride a motorcycle, then in Zambia did the Flying Fox…

“What’s that?” I ask. 

“It’s when you run off this gorge in Zambia with a harness strapped to your back and you fly almost 100m like a flying fox.”

“Sounds very white,” I mumble. 

“It is.” She chuckles. 

“Did it make you feel alive?” 

“Yeah, it did at that moment. But then after, I crashed. I felt empty…like with a hangover. I never told my therapist about this feeling after because I stopped going to see her. Therapy is very expensive and I felt like she wasn’t helping me.”

“Do you have suicidal thoughts?” I ask. 

“What?” 

“Like when you are on the 6th floor of a building and you look down, do you wonder what it would feel like to jump off?”

She pauses. 

“No,” she says. “That’s weird. Do you?”

“No,” I say. “But I think of talking someone down, telling them it’s not worth it and them shouting, ‘You don’t know me!’ Then I tell them, ‘Me and you are alike, there is a reason this is happening today when we both are in blue jeans!’ Stuff like that. And they come down and we hug and we become friends till death.” 

“Interesting. Like saviour mentality?”

“Yes, I want to save the world from itself.”

Sometimes they go for dinner, mostly when he’s in town (he travels a bit) and he likes to go the extra mile, choosing a spiffy restaurant where they hold the wine bottle with a napkin and allow you to read it in that low lighting and you nod even though you can’t read the label because it’s also in French. And he’s enthused talking about his work and asking about hers and cracking his funny jokes and he looks forward to such dinners because they get to bond and connect. 

“But do you know where I’d rather be during those dinners?” she asks. 

“Romania?” 

She laughs. “No, close. I’d rather be at home. Not that I don’t like his company, but I’m jaded by life. I feel that I should be grateful that he’s doing this, getting out of his way for me after all these years – 13 years – of marriage. I should feel appreciative and lucky but instead I don’t and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“That’s sad.”

“Yes, especially because this is what other women would like.”

“What would you like?”

“To be at home. With him, of course. But just be at home, no pressure of candles and jokes and this quality time.”

“Maybe your language of love is not quality time but words of affirmation. Maybe you love to be told how amazing you are because you planted 17 trees.”

We cackle at that. 

“No, I didn’t mean where would you like to be when not at the restaurant, but generally?”

“I don’t know. I like being where I am but I also question if it’s what I really want.” She pauses as if she just remembered something. “I don’t mind quality time, I love it, but I was telling my therapist that at this point I just want something else, mostly to just do things alone.”

“Why don’t you tell him what you want?”

“I don’t know what I want. Plus he will be hurt.” 

We ring off because I have to go back to my workshop. When she calls me again she tells me about her breasts. She hates them. She tells me about her breasts because she says she’s at a point where she is questioning even her body while her agemates have settled into theirs, warts and all. “It’s almost like I want to undo everything around me and about me. I’m suddenly having body issues that I didn’t have;  am I poised enough, is my posture all wrong, is my ass too angular as opposed to widening out at the hips… all these obsessions and it’s spilling over into my roles as a wife and a mother, spiraling into dissatisfaction.” She moans. When I tell her that it sounds like mid-life crisis and it will pass she disagrees with the very premise of mid-life crisis, citing that every period of one’s life comes with its own crisis. 

“I know I have a great marriage, it’s not the best marriage, but I’m luckier than most and happier too. I wouldn’t trade it for something else,” she says. “But at the same time I feel like I don’t enjoy or appreciate it as I should. I feel like I’m used to it and I feel guilty and very ungrateful for feeling this way or for asking myself is this it.” 

“So what do you like about him?” I ask. I stare at a bird perched on that white statue of a horse outside Tafaria Castle. She says he’s the kind of man who fixes things. He is the kind who never hires handymen. If the microwave stops working he will open it up and fix it. He fixes iron boxes and water heaters, he will remove and put new wallpapers in the rooms. He paints walls. He figures out plumbing issues. He has a tool-box in the house and sometimes, when there is nothing broken in the house, he just removes the tool box and wipes down the tools, like rewarding them for just being there. Appreciating being them for being them. Maybe he talks to them, tells them, “You are a good hammer. You always hit it on the head.” He’s good with the kids; better than her, if she were to be honest. Maybe it’s because he travels a lot and so when he’s home he wants to make up for lost time by spending time with them, drawing, riding bicycles (which he fixes) or just watching cartoons with them on the carpet. He sounds like an angel to me. An angel with a toolbox. 

“He’s not an angel. He can be annoying,” she tells me. “He is set in his ways, thinks he’s always right. He doesn’t say he’s sorry when we fight, never. He is secretive with his money, I never know what he’s doing or where he’s kept his money even though we don’t lack for anything.”

“You sound like you have a good deal there from where I’m standing here in Nyahururu,” I say. The bird took off, off to find other things to perch on. A bird’s life is filled with just looking for things to perch on. My editor Linda thinks even a dog’s life isn’t that bad. I disagree, a dog is always looking to be loved, for affirmation that it’s a good doggy. Then you have to wait to be walked. And fed. I’d rather come back as a Sparrow than a Spaniel. 

“I do!” she squeals, “And that’s why this is frustrating for me, this place where I am.”

When the pornography phase abated she started to fantasise about having an affair. “I fantasise about purchasing a new phone, something analogue, a phone my husband doesn’t know about. One that I only use in the office, leaving it in the drawer. He sends me messages on that phone and I find them in the morning when I go to the office.”

“Are you serious?” I say laughing. 

“I am,” she retorts.

“What kind of messages are these that will float your boat, mushy ones telling you that you are the salt of the earth, planting trees and saving the Mau?”

“Haha. No. I don’t want anything mushy or romantic, just messages telling me where we will meet and what time, something commanding and authoritative, something that doesn’t give me room to say no.”

“Okay. So, ‘the key is under the flower pot” kinda of thing?”

“Yeah. Sort of.”

“Do you have an image of this guy in your head?”

“I don’t, but I know he is heavily bearded and wears shorts a lot.”

“So he has nice legs.”

“Yeah.”

“Shaven?”

“Haha. I haven’t gotten that far.”

She says she has been having these fantasies for months now but she isn’t sure that she “will go through with it” when push comes to shove. She hasn’t seen her therapist this year. I tell her that I’m straining to find what her struggle is, because it looks like she just wants to upset the apple cart, that she’s bored, that surely of all the men anyone can have an affair with, a man who goes about in shorts on a weekday, hiding keys under flower pots isn’t worth tossing everything out for. After our six conversations I struggle to find the gravitas of her story. It seems that she’s bored, she has time on her hands and she wants to disrupt something, but what do I know? 

“What do you think is the take-home for this story for readers?” I asked her the last time we spoke. 

“I don’t know,” she said. “But I know how this comes across, confused and maybe entitled and I know that against what other people go through in marriages this is perhaps a joke. I just don’t know how to describe this season I am in, I don’t have the words for it. It’s like when you have malaria and one time you are feeling cold and the next you want to remove your clothes. I need to know if there are other women who have experienced this and how they handled it.”

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379 Comments
    1. It’s not until now,that i learnt that i can give a like to Sir Biko’s stories….and i have a lot of love to give.

      Biko, if you read this you should know this stories are more that stories, impactful to many, I included. It makes me think,question things(especially this), change percpective ,laugh , cry, get inspired.
      And through writing,you become a teacher, an entertainer, a psychiatrist in a way; where someone can just confine in you, you listen (well you have to so to get the story right,but in some way, it helps….So you’re actually a friend).

      Thank you and all who have shared their stories. Thank you for the truth. Things are really different on the ground.

      158
    1. It happens , sometimes you get in the ‘ i don’t know ‘ phase, especially with important issues.
      And its only human to want more even when you are nit sure what that ‘more’ is; even when you seem to have it all,a good job,husband, kids……

      I don’t know how i can help. I just hope that you find the best solution.

      30
    2. It happens , sometimes you get in the ‘ i don’t know ‘ phase, especially with important issues.
      And its only human to want more even when you are nit sure what that ‘more’ is; even when you seem to have it all,a good job,husband, kids……

      I don’t know how i can help. I just hope that you find the best solution. You can pray about it,maybe it is something spiritual.

      11
  1. How confusing!

    If I were in this position, (and because it sounds like she can afford it), I would take a break-a month? holiday on my own, maybe. At the end, hopefully I would know what I want, Else would talk to hubby, describe Mr. Beards and ask him to be him…hehe

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  2. “I don’t know,” she said. “But I know how this comes across, confused and maybe entitled and I know that against what other people go through in marriages this is perhaps a joke.

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    1. This is the most ungrateful child ever born yani…she has what I fasted for for days and my answer was a middle finger. Life is a mystery.
      Reminded me of the yearnings of my heart. You have served me sadness (for a moment) on a platter of laughter..this confusion is narrated so well. Thanks Biko

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      1. I don’t think her being in a phase where things that may look simple and easy to you makes her ungrateful. It might seem like a joke what she’s going through but that’s her struggle nonetheless.

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  3. But surely the ironies of life.. There are a million single girls out here looking for Mr. Right and the more they climb up the age ladder the more unlucky they get.. Then there are those who seem to have an almost Mr. Right and are just not feeling that vibe.. Maybe women are just from Venus after all… What is it that we want?? and what really is contentment?

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    1. I don’t think its irony. She wanted, she worked for and got her Mr. Right just like every girl’s dream. She is now just telling us what happens after you have stayed with Mr. Right for 13 years. So that at least we know.

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      1. Rosy is right.. so right. And again, it would serve us good to be honest here..several women go through this including myself. You’ve been rightly married but then there are times when you fantasize about being this super mama.. a single powerful mother with loads of money, proper support system, the right circle and no man.. no shit..no questioning of where he keeps his money and why this kind of info is kept away from you..you ask youeself, why do I have to deal with this? but then again you caddle him a while later when it hits you how unlucky some women are..ugh. I go through this plus a bunch of my friends

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        1. Actually, want to think it is the distance thing between them, how long have they been married and doing the “long-distance” thing. One should never take for granted seeing someone everyday, otherwise, you both become roommates. Her desire to have a “secret text message” is simply the desire to have that constant communication everyday, the chance to share even the small things that happen at work and not to wait for say six-weeks or so to run-down a summary of the events that have happened. And it can happen both ways, dating/marriage long-distance is never easy and as soon as either or both parties realize that, the better. So I wouldn’t fault her one bit, this can happen to anyone.

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  4. I also did wonder what the meat of her story was Biko.

    Reading through waiting for the big swing of life. Somehow though I like this story because it could be the story of numerous souls out here. I like that it does not feel depressive and sad like the others.

    I hope she finds the headspace on which to anchor happiness and be content.

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    1. Someone alluded to it already… Men are from Mars… I get her completely. And how does one handle it? I don’t know yet.

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  5. I will never understand the mystery surrounding women. They are hard to understand. I kind of had a headache reading this i wanted to stop mid way but this is Biko, surely, who does that to Biko? so i continued in solidarity with you Biko to the end. I wish her all the best in her struggle though.

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  6. i TOO WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF THERE ARE ANY OTHER MARRIED FOLKS WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS. WHAT WAS THE REASON? HOW DID YOU HANDLE IT?

    6
  7. “Everything I have is supposed to make me happy and content, but I’m not happy and at the same time I’m not unhappy.”…I don’t have everything that I need and I understand the happy-sad feeling..But this here is quite sad/unfortunate.
    All the best to her as she finds her happy place!

    14
  8. You are an adrenaline junkie. You do things that a re challenging and get pleasure in your success.

    But don’t go down that road. Learn to handle boredom. You have to. Most people experience that in their lifetime. I’m one of them. At my lowest I felt worthless and a failure. My story is almost similar to yours. Nothing outside will fill that hole in you. Not even sex. You just learn to embrace it. Soldier on my dear. Nothing is permanent. Unlike career family is a ball that once dropped might never bounce back.

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    1. this is something a number of women go through especially when they have attained some milestones in their life but are eventually at a point of searching from within just find how empty they’re. you have given your all to your career, building a marriage and taking care of the kids, then you realise YOU need to also have concentrated on yourself but didn’t. you find happiness from within you: not in your children, husband or career. You have to search within to find contentment and joy, solely within you, not in the external things. its also an aspect of looking for a new challenge, but that does not mean the people around you are boring, no. be careful not to do something that will ruin your marriage the pain is costly to all involved.

      4
  9. She is 39 and she doesn’t know what she was created for. PURPOSE! So she has spent her life chasing a ladder that society reccomends/deems FIT only to come back home to emptiness. Purpose fulfils! Purpose is the reason a man will quit his job and wake up every other morning to sing on the street and go home happy with or without money. She is still young. I hope she finds her purpose in life and gain the courage to pursue it Unapologetically. I am 25 and this is always my constant prayer, and now to everyone who reads this❤

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    1. Impressive for a 25-year old! I would not call it purpose though. That word sounds too constrictive. When a quantum physicist sits down with a cobbler in a kibanda, tell stories and laugh for hours, each will tell you that this is the best of all worlds. That is the life I went back to. Pity to society’s ‘achieving’ prisoners, cheers for the true free-men singing on the streets!

      33
  10. The irony of life,
    You can plant a whole Mau if you may, fantasize with all men in shorts, do yoga, meditate, pray, the list can go on…..
    But do not let that man go…
    Amidst all you confusion, am glad you know what you have..(a good man)
    Its a jungle out here!

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  11. Hmmmm….do I say rich people’s problems? I dont get the gist of this story but am glad it ain’t a sad one today, just confusion in one lucky lady.

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  12. I somehow feel her scenario. There is a point when you just look forward to the school holidays where you can send the kind plus the house help to your parents and the hubby to travel home so you can be left alone with your self. I personally cherish such moments as they help me be happy with my self, i get time to hear my thoughts and act on them. The alone moment is quite blissful. This particular story is somehow how i feel but without the porn part. : )
    I cant wait for the schools to close.

    L.A

    10
  13. MHHHH, her thoughts are way too unpredictable, am sure if the conversation was to continue she would tell you how she wish to be a baby and walk naked without people questioning….Her lifestyle seems too sweet but from my point she feels likea slave of herself, she in not sure what has imprisoned her, but she sure wants to be free, i think thebest heading could be CAGED BY THOUGHTS

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  14. Isn’t this like a phase in life? The highs and lows that we are often told about and advised to just ride it out? Honestly, I am struggling to understand what the issue is…But she is right about one thing….she needs to learn to be more appreciative of her life……really she does.

    4
  15. This lady needs Jesus, to know him and know what he says about her and to look beyond self…she is bored and in a world of her own and to be honest selfish on so many levels. Am mad that she has so much and she hasnt taken time to smell the coffee. Maybe just maybe planting a thousand more trees will help her realise what she wants or go on a cruise for 6 months.

    38
    1. I agree..only Jesus can make her complete. Quit the striving and Let God take control. May she find that peace that surpasses all understanding that will guard her hear and mind through Christ Jesus.

      16
    2. this is what I was thinking when I was reading it. Only Jesus can fill up whatever she is experiencing. I am not as ‘accomplished’ but I could kinda relate to what she was talking about and letting God be the centre of it all has changed a lot in my life. Hope am not preaching, it’s just a fact for me coz am living it.

      2
  16. There is that pleasure that comes with breaking some rules and going uncaught. For instance, when we were small we would sneak into the kitchen and steal some few grains of sugar, now I can afford a whole tonne of sugar but I am not interested. In case you were caught stealing the sugar, you would regret all the sweetness. As human, we are always curious of why something is forbidden and if we indulge in it, the regrets are enormous. So it is out of our self control that we try to avoid misusing the freedom that we have.

    33
  17. Well I am in the same phase just that i haven’t been married for 13 years. My husband is great he is God sent yet i still want more; More of authority that tells me to sit and i sit bila questioning. An Alpha male. The fantasies of that Alpha male can finish you kabisa. I hope she understands its a season and it will end one way or another it has to end. All the best. Looking forward to my season ending as well.

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  18. Wow someone has close to everything but still want to complain. Some people wish for half of what she has, some are thankful for having half of what she has. I kept waiting for the issue to arise but all i got was more entitlement. I don’t get her…

    7
  19. There are head guys then there are heart guys: Head guys will wonder why you didn’t carry a jacket. Heart guys will cover your goose-pimpled shoulders with their jacket.
    From this description, I’m definitely a head guy. Beba sweater, nanii.

    I think this lady is bored. No, not bored. She’s searching for an identity. She’s got an identity crisis. She says she’s been in a hurry all her life and suddenly there’s nothing to rush about. I feel like she pita’d some pivotal moments in her life, didn’t savour them like she should have. Chambilecho wahenga, haraka haraka …

    But again, I’m not a doctor so I don’t know.

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  20. It’s weird but I understand her. There is a time when you are simply null. You know your blessings but that doesn’t necessarily translate into how you feel. People may fail to understand it but it’s simply your reality. I think its the futility of life. In my language we say ‘Ensi tekungulwa’ to mean you can’t harvest the world.

    But because seasons come and go, we can only wait for the dawn of a new season.

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  21. Wonderful piece Biko. The lady just seems unappreciative of what she has. She has a good life, but it was defined by others expectations, not her own. She can have a soul searching journey to find out who she is and what she wants. Something like a spiritual journey. But for the most of it she is just ungrateful.

    10
    1. Exactly my sentiments,
      Practising contentment and gratefulness of what you have is an art, at times pause and think of the many people who yearn to have all you have, before you complain think of those who have way less, lets all learn to be appreciative and learn to be contented we cant hsve everything, she cant have a good guy and have all the qualities she wants, thats greed and nothing satisfies greed, it only ends when you die.

      1
  22. She seems to me like her life is almost predictable it has become a routine and she is slowly breeding contempt because of familiarity. she needs to change her career not an affair with a bearded man in shorts.

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  23. How about she just talks it out with the husband. She could be spending money on a solution she’d easily get from the Good Hammer. Lo, but humans!

    3
  24. I experience this regularly. I realized the other day though, that for me, it was really about not having discovered “my purpose”, you know, the sole reason I exist and all. And so, I have been on the hunt, or rather chase, for this purpose. I still do not know what it is or if I will ever even find or know it, but i know that music calms me. That you will never spot me walking around without my earpiece and phone fully charged. I know that the first thing I do when I get to my house in the evening after a long day of toiling away building another person’s empire (really breaks my heart, this), is put on some music, get naked, and just dance around the living room as I sing along. I am not a vocalist. I thought I was back in high school but growing up, like time, teaches you that there are singers, and then there are people who think they can sing, and then there are people who sound okay when they sing and so, are bearable. I am probably that last one, but hey! I do it for the joy and satisfaction it gives me. Maybe our lady here needs to find something like this….she needs to find her “music”. Having an affair or watching porn will not lead to any kind of fulfillment. Believe me, I would know.

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  25. The key is in the porn she’s watching. She should ask why she’s watching the dominating/submissive type of porn where one person is relinquishing his/her power to someone else. Even her fantasies are about being dominated, controlled and commanded.

    My theory is she crafted a mental blueprint of what her life should be like based on societal expectations. She achieved the blueprint only to say…”that’s it?” There’s nothing more that’s demanded of her by the society. In their eyes, she’s “made it.”

    I think she’s looking for a place she can be led by someone else to a script that she hasn’t crafted in her mind but to a script that another human will craft for her.

    Basically, she’s bored and needs chaos in her life a.k.a adventure and she needs someone else to show her what that adventure looks like.

    I’d say, you stop judging yourself for how you feel and stop thinking that you should feel “grateful” about your life. Accept that it’s okay to feel how you’re feeling. Once acceptance happens, solutions come up. And deconstruct your beliefs and values and figure out what’s important to you not what others expect of you.

    But with all that said, don’t have an affair. Anything but that.

    63
  26. What this lady is lacking is quite simple: she needs Peace. Not the earthly one, but the heavenly one. Should just find a good church and serve. The Bible describes it as Peace that surpases human understanding.

    34
  27. I know this feeling. I think it’s when you have a good man but you have unmet desires and you can’t leave him because he treats you right. So when asked you say you don’t know but you know you are bored and what some change but how do you walk away from a good man?

    21
  28. On today’s episode of “What do women want?”

    I really hope she finds something that makes her tick. I also really hope it doesn’t cost her her marriage because from the look of things, well….

    PS-I havn’t received notifications 3 weeks in a row now.

    1
  29. Oh my word , yet another ungrateful human in the midst of all the chaos in the world. Today i have skimmed thro’ this story, why? Because sometimes we don’t realise what we have untill we lose it. So let her stop being the perfect woman, nobody wants that or expects that, u end up building unnecessary pressure and unnecessary expectations. U want Harculles for a husband? Well sweety that harculles will also come with his shortcomings, then what? U get bored and hope from one man to the other? Sometimes happiness comes from within you, not from anyone else. Never put that pressure to be happy and at peace on anyone apart from yourself. You have a good deal going, so what to do? Start every morning with a prayer of lord help me to have a grateful spirit and appreciate all i have. U dont always have to wait on your man to make u happy, surprise him also with ur type of ragged happy, take a trip or a lunch to a very unexpected place as per ur sort of happy. Its true she just wants to rattle the boat from her fantasies. Just pray for a grateful spirit ma’ and a content heart. Learn to say no if all u want is to stay indoors and sleep till armergedon..that man sounds like a deal u just have to learn to be appreciative. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Sigh!

    30
  30. Do women really know what they want. She has it good unlike most women in marriages today.

    I do agree that she sounds bored and is in search of some ”adventure” or something out of the conventional. My advice to her, she can share her fantasy with her husband switch up things a little/role play- she might be surprised that he might be up for it.

    Give it a shot- other than doing something regrettable. Many of us would die to be in a marriage like yours. We crave for those romantic dates, bear hugs having a husband who is present especially with the children (and not always either in bar or when he’s home on his phone).

    6
  31. The reflections in this piece point to a precise depth of restlessness our souls dare to go. Do you see the image of ourselves in her story? Perhaps the satisfaction that we get in life is momentary or instantaneous. Funny enough, our hearts keep desiring a lot more the next time.
    Could it be that she finds life so mysterious that it is difficult for one to point a finger at our “sole” purpose because we desire different things at different times? Her thirst for adventure is a sign that she desires a “different freedom” that will let her be what she thinks she hasn’t gotten the chance to be.

    When all is said and done, I agree with her: life is but a big mystery and it is a continuous journey to self-discovery and the answers are seldom easy to find! What a mind-blowing and boggling piece!

    13
  32. Happiness is a choice. She should choose her husband,open up to him, look back at what made them happy.what made her happy before the boredom set in. It’s selfish not to appreciate the husband. Above all pray for Guidance and wisdom from God.

    3
  33. “Everything I have is supposed to make me happy and content, but I’m not happy and at the same time I’m not unhappy.” …there’s something haunting about this. I don’t think she’s bored. I think she’s misguided and subconsciously disappointed that what she has didn’t meet her expectations. She probably hoped that maybe, juuust maybe, a good job, good husband and kids and financial security would make her happy.

    But happiness and contentment can never be obtained from external things. Fact. We have been conditioned to chase this “permanent happiness” foolishness yet it is a myth- consumerism needs you to constantly be on the pursuit of happiness because it is profitable, simple. What we should pursue of joy, peace and contentment.

    Its so sad to assume that you will be “finally happy when you get to the top”…only to get there and find nothing. Until we connect with the Creator, find our purpose and understand that this sense of self is a journey, we will never know what it means to have true joy, peace and contentment.

    20
  34. So I was just here waiting for that part of the story where she went on a Rollercoaster of a steamy extra marital affair, then Jesus’cousin caught her pants down, and now all’s lost and she’s here regretting her encounter with the bearded man

    9
  35. I think she’s suffering from comparative syndrome for lack of better words. At the back of her mind, she’s wondering why does my life not have drama, ups & downs………..like other people/marriage?

    Define what you want to be remembered for if you are to die in the next 12 months. Then work your way back to now. It’s not too late. Keep reviewing your foal once you achieve it.

    Yes, there are other ladies like you. Not me, though.

    6
  36. To be honest, 40’s was true and real,……this bourgeois stories ain’t cutting it; no thrill and no connection,……please Biko, cover stories of those in the trenches, and still doing just fine,……..stories of couples in Koch, Kibra ama ata Obunga slums,….these ‘veges being weighed, climbing down, rinsing an apple, flying, etc’ sound too elitist and boring

    9
  37. To be honest, I think you’re looking for fulfillment in the wrong place…your job,your husband…I would say knowing the love of God would make a big difference. Find a Bible believing and preaching church.

    13
  38. Contrary to popular opinion…I feel like I get her.
    Like she’s just having a feeling of emptiness. she probably lived a sheltered life and is sort of wondering whether this is just it…like whether she’s missing out on something.
    I’d tell her to enjoy her own company and find something fulfilling to do, like maybe tap into her artistic side and just hold on to something greater than herself.

    7
  39. i guess this is why it will be hard for relationships to work in our time….. like shes confused and yet he treats her right loves her good with the kids and provides…like what do women want in life…. you good its wrong you bad its equally wrong…it makes us give up even before we get there…. i think we should draw lessons from last week’s article….being our own source of happiness…. because it would really hurt the hubby kwanza if she was his happiness and yet she is confused about him…. life is too short to depend on others for happiness…. a good hammer…. maybe thats the issue… hamming

    2
  40. In as much as this lady has ‘the life’ she just has a craving for affirmative love. She wants to feel cared for and the void in her life is self generated…. Most of the demons we face are personal. She is just a little tired to f her routine and she should try to do something new, just get out there and break the circuit. Though even in the course of breaking the circuit she should not forget that there is someone who would shift mountains for her. It is not logical to leave a three-piece suit guy for a ‘beard and shorts guy’. So I just think she should get her priorities first and work in getting back the life she has so worked for because that trend she’s on is a recipe for emotional and psychological poverty which will soon enough manifest to her physical and financial life.

    1
  41. That is what happens when you live life by the script, you want to please people and pretend your life is as good as they think. How was her childhood? It might be the key to being herself.

    2
  42. It feels like her life has become predictable and she has reached the ceiling or roof and is wondering is this it? Really all my life I worked to get here and it is a windswept barren hilltop with a cold draught? Come on there must be more to life than this! Contentment won’t do it what she needs is a challenge repeat a CHALLENGE. What it is I don’t know but a challenge I think will reinvigorate her life. For example quiting her job and starting a business in conservation with lots of technology in it. Why conservation? She’s already planted 17 trees.

    8
  43. “You are a good hammer. You always hit it at the head.”
    I think she should just start doing things for herself. If she doesn’t feel like going to dinner, why not stay at home. She should just let the hubby know about the way she feels and maybe they can work it out together. Maybe do things a little different

    2
  44. She has been summoning the “bearded man in shorts” and he will appear ….. She told her story early.
    Perhaps this is a cry for help – Satan is making demands due to the covenants she entered into prior to getting married, the pornography she watches and the thoughts she entertains.

    “Struggles of the battlefield pale into insignificance here, when man first contends with inner enemies ! No mortal foes these, to be overcome by a harrowing array of might ! Omnipresent, unresting, pursuing man even in sleep, subtly equipped with miasmic weapons, these soldiers of ignorant lusts seek to slay us all.”

    5
  45. The definition of a woman. Women get bored and leave period, its completely natural. I feel sorry for the husband not fair at all but life was never meant to be easy and fair shit happens every single second of our existence. In Islam we are allowed to marry four wives and tbh there’s so much wisdom in this than people understand. WOMEN GET BORED.

    2
  46. That’s how she has evolved through her marital journey so people get closer others drift apart. Especially if you tried too hard to keep it together instead og being yourselves.

  47. I do not have experience of a good marriage! But I have been in a place where people would die to be and felt nothing about it. I have struggled to find happiness in places where everyone would be happy. It is some kind of restlessness in some people. I struggle so much to get something but when I get it, I am not happy. I think it spiritual. God created man to be restless until they are anchored in him . May be this is what what we need:)

    9
  48. what this lady needs is salvation. Accept Jesus as your savior and know that God does not owe you anything so if you are blessed just be grateful. live your life for God’s purpose.

    for a more practical solution kindly start serving humanity and you will experience the fulfillment it brings.

    7
  49. Most people find service very rewarding. Maybe she could try visiting the less fortunate and actually spending time with them every Saturday. She will not only be exhausted but also very grateful for her life. And slowly, she will know what she wants………..

    5
  50. I did a promotion letter and gave to a lady employee, she at first refused to take it. Citing that the letter should have been done last year in November, that she got a pay rise at that time and wonders why it was not accompanied by the lera (that’s how pronounced it). We went in circles about the issue, at last I got bored, placed it on the table and got busy doing nothing because she had sapped my energy. This letter reminded me of that lady. Sigh!

    3
  51. The feeling she has is normal, at some point you feel like you’re not living your life. You want something different or marriage is just not for you. You get bored once you’ve achieved what you set your eyes on, believe me, you will meet this guy in shorts and you’ll be bored within two months. You don’t love your husband, you are grateful that he’s a good husband, then again sounds like you don’t know shit about him. Then again, who knows anything about their husbands? My mantra is if you don’t fancy getting old with him, get out.

  52. White girl on girl porn

    Anyway, this lady needs some good hammering, some guy who will screw her brains out. Then she will know what she really wants.

    3
  53. To fly to earths destinations, to live for family, to have a good hammer that hits on the head, to fix microwaves and to take her to fancy candle lit dinners, to provide and watch telly with kids…….sometimes is not enough…it can be vain.

  54. That’s all the ladies want – a man who knows our needs before we even know them. Huku with my singleness I can’t imagine that such men exist and that there is actually a woman who is dissatisfied with him lol. Contentment is a decision just like love or courage. Good luck to her

    4
  55. If not all, most of us have been or still is at the same situation. It really doesn’t matter the age, but it’s how life is. You got all you’ve always wanted but still feel like you want more but in a different kinda way. It’s confusing, I know. But such is life.

    2
  56. Make your man to be that man you desire, that one who wears kaptulas and heavily bearded and perhaps aggressive like those porn actors otherwise, hapa nje game ni different, there no 2nd chances. You mess they (other women) clean……..

    12
  57. Ohh well, just have that affair already, get caught, disrupt your kids lives with all the divorce or reconciliation drama break the trust because you are bored, because the best lessons are learnt after the mistakes, trust me the minute you are done destroying your ‘boring life’ that’s the only time you will appreciate and maybe miss it

    16
  58. Did anyone get that metaphor of the bird and the dog.. This woman is a bird, she wants to fly and go to new places but hey life now treats her as a dog, waiting for affirmation of love and to be told she’s a good doggy

    9
  59. Once some ladies have been in a particular place or situation for too long ,they become comfortable and comfort becomes boring to them and they think they need challenges (Negative skeleton theory).

    2
  60. Hi Biko, life no matter how affluent can lack joy and fulfillment because one does not feel they are worthy of it. My suggestion tell her to to do a life audit with Alabastron Network Trust. She will learn what she wants, what excites her, and how to be joyful and appreciative of the acts of love she is given.

    2
    1. Cisco. Hio alabastron is the root of all marriage breakups .They empower women against their husbands. Avoid at all cost.She will be more ungrateful than she is today

      1
  61. Woman, you are bored. It is like you want to start life afresh. Like you are searching for a greater purpose to your life. Looking for that thrill and excitement, something that gets your blood boiling and head screaming. Life is so repetitive. I feel you. Totally..

    2
  62. she needs to join a chama or a support group,she will know where she stands after sharing with other married women,though I feel like shes looking for some adventure,adrenaline,danger and shes just having a mid life crisis.or maybe start an engaging project such as construction farming etc to take her mind off that wandering

    1
  63. You sound like you have a good deal there from where I’m standing here in Nyahururu.
    I know Biko! I would say so too! Every season in life comes with its own crisis. So true! She is insightful. She has it all, yet she is restless. I wonder why she never tried being with a woman if she watched the WW porn. I wonder why she doesn’t find the ‘something new’ in the space of the love her husband has for her and she for him. I think she is in denial. Afraid to put to words what she knows deep down in her heart. Is it her husband’s travels that unsettle her? Is it her authority at work that makes her want to challenge the possibilities? She knows the ending can’t be good, but I believe in this season, her crisis is known to her; albeit in the subconscious.
    Now I want to get back to horse riding but the way my bank account is set up…..
    I want that spa treatment so I can escape for two hours into bliss.
    I want to smack her in the face and tell her to get her shit together and find the new in every day. The apple cart doesn’t have to be disturbed; why not just enjoy each apple? There are so many breeds in there anyway! Fuji, jazz, honecrisp, name them! All there in her beautiful life.

    6
  64. what she needs is to take off her mask and have the strength to face the person staring back at her.
    Then go on a journey to rediscover herself only then can she appreciate what she has and live a fulfilling life.

  65. This is a very good piece Biko…. it lacks the dramas that are likely to thrill readers but its my favorite piece because finally we got a true reflection of who we are.

    we have numerous motivations in life.
    you badly want to get married, ask yo’self -then what?
    you want the best ride in town, you want lots of money,
    you want to own as many plots as you can…. ask yourself.. THEN WHAT?
    What we all need is to live a purpose driven life.
    we discover our purpose by consulting our ‘manufacturer’ GOD, discover his major aim of creating you by reading the ‘manual’ BIBLE.

    17
  66. the lady just needs a challenge and like you said she has a lot of time on her hands and she doesn`t know what to do.challenge yourself

  67. wow! i so feel her. I went through this about three years ago. Counselling and therapies dint work. Suicidal thoughts cropped in and on an objective moment of thought, i knew i was on a wrong path.
    I know my answer is unconventional, but PRAYER- is what worked for me. A sincere prayer to God worked for me and has worked to this day.

    10
  68. I’d be interested in hearing his side of the story as well. Is he deliriously happy, feeling that he hit the jackpot? Or is he bored of this marriage?

  69. why do i feel like her bedroom life is the big question here? she wants adventure that she has far not gotten from Mr Right, they need to sit down and address this issue, unless she is so conservative

    4
  70. She is bored. Suffocated and a tad unhappy with certain aspects of her life. She cannot exactly put her finger on it. I know this feeling because..once upon a time I had it. It is a feeling whose name is yet to be discovered because nothing quite describes it.
    The cure…my cure..was to go for a break/holiday, away from everything for two weeks. I hang out with strangers…rediscovered myself and my purpose. Then I came back, took out the carpet and cleaned the floor thoroughly. Afterwhich, the carpet came back in.

  71. Most women can relate…… All is well yet ALL is not well! Turn to the word of God and assist in the church and participate in church events helps alot. Therapy mmmmmm

    2
  72. Mmmmh…She got everything, she is blessed, many people would kill to be where she is…..she got some vacuum…for me it feels like…she’s got this void only Jesus can fill.

    4
  73. I think maybe our lady needs something that will centre her; this feeling of hopelessness needs to go: she seems to be going with the motions

    but it truly is confusing, the story, … but feeling out of wits when you should be content isn’t something foreign …

  74. The truth is nobody can make your happy. You are the only one that can make you happy. But society that has drummed up these things in our hearts and heads till we start believing them. Things like careers and spouses and children supposedly making is happy. It’s a false teaching. Happiness is a choice. And you alone are responsible for your own happiness.

    5
  75. She’s bored of the routine and is looking for an adventure, something new, intriguing, mysterious, fun and sinful. But since she’s not cut out that way, she knows she can’t pursue her fantasies. So she goes around her normal life resenting people and things around her.
    After 13 years of marriage people get tempted to go looking for adventure in the wrong places. It’s a phase and hopefully it shall pass.
    I think she’s a an awesome lady, she knows her weaknesses and she’s determined to stay strong in her marriage.
    She should learn to live a day at a time and appreciate every moment that life brings her way because this life is too short.

  76. Not a very good place to be-not knowing what you want from what you have.Hope she does not think of fixing that which is not broken

  77. I am going through a phase like this at the moment although the circumstances are a little bit different. I am having an affair and to be very honest, I have never felt anything more liberating before.

    2
  78. She’s not happy but she doesn’t want to admit she’s not happy because she looks at her life from mother’s perspective. She’s preoccupied with how others see her. She needs to find a new therapist who will work on her regarding who she really is, on the inside, away from the titles and labels. This is what’s nagging her, that she doesn’t know herself.

    1
  79. I think that this lady has a void in her soul. She is looking to be complete and whole in my opinion. The stuff that have given her satisfaction have been temporary and when they go, she becomes void again. There is a level of being complete that no human being, object or activity can fill. It needs a higher being to fill it up. Maybe you need Jesus to feel that void in your soul and to give you a higher purpose above career and family. My thoughts.

    2
  80. But what exactly do women want? Even Sigmund Freud was unable to answer that question, despite his extensive research into the feminine soul spanning over 30 years

    2
    1. The desire of women is spiritual that’s why Eve was enticed by being told she could be like God ,despite lacking nothing/being in want- in the Garden of Eden. Jesus CHRIST is the desire of Women look it up in the BIBLE OR google ‘the desire of women bible’

      2
  81. We have this idea of a perfect life when we are young,a good husband, money. a great job we often think that this is what gives us satisfaction but its not the case. I guess this is what happened to her she dreamed of this kind of life am sure she worked hard for it,then she woke up one day and realized this doesn’t fill her heart. She feels empty i hope she gets help.

  82. I think she needs to be with her husband more. travel with him on his trips if u can, if possible move the family to where he is working. there is a connection that has loosened with all his travelling. she needs to communicate her feelings because looks like she is bottling up too much and she will explode!

    3
  83. Ain’t this just the absolute truth! I know this feeling. I did the affair. I did and continue to do the alcohol in the closet! Porn not so much but I just discovered that the shower head can give awesome orgasms! Yes! What has happened to you is that you have ticked all the boxes that society demands of you and now you don’t know what next. Welcome to womanhood!

    3
  84. Is this real…wtf…how selfish does one have to be? Look at your community…help the less fortunate, so many suffering children, start a fucking project! This has really annoyed me.

    3
  85. She is 37, has been married for 13 years. Which means she married at 24. At 24, you are probably in your first job, trying to find your bearing in life and everything in between. She married too young before living her life, and she now wants to live her life. Hence her need for freedom.

    10
  86. Its the design of God to have the soul of man restless in temporal and physical things,to keep wandering until they can attain self actualization and like Napoleon or Solomon realise its all vanities of vanities and KNOW THE HUMAN SPIRIT CAN ONLY REST IN GOD THE FATHER OF SPIRITS THROUGH JESUS CHRIST.

    5
  87. This is not confusion, it’s indifference to the essence of stability.
    It’s second to being ungrateful, you can predict that soon she will try to upset the balance she enjoys now, and everything will tip; then she will start to crave that equilibrium.

    4
    1. I think she just needs a challenge, something she will do for herself not about being a wife,mom,or career affairs…something that brings fulfillment like visiting children’s homes or taking up roles in church ata.”Doing something for other people who are in need”.

  88. She’s just an ungreatful, rumbling likkle Bitch. And she needs to grow the hell up. Period. No sugar coating. Anataka kubembelezwa. Just a waste of time.

    Also, Biko can you stop with this pampared women type of stories and give us stories from people of the other side of life/income. Coz all your stories are of women who are doing a likkle above the average Kenyan lifestyle.

    7
  89. Maybe she needs to go for those extreme make overs now that she’s a biker, she’s done extreme sports like jumping off a gorge in a harness.
    Maybe even shave her hair color it green, red you know, get a nose ring, tongue ring a tattoo just get a rebellious look.
    Since time in memorial hair has played a bit part in changing ones look, passing a message of being in solidarity for a course,for punishments, religion or even as a show of power or loss of it, has always started with shaving of the hair.
    Samson in the bible had his hair shaved and lost all his powers, Buddhists shave their hair as a devotion or a renunciation of worldly pleasures. A number of women superstars, opinion shapers both locally and across the globe – Grace Jones, Ale Wek, Cassie when, Lupita Nyongo, Sinead O’Connor have shaved their heads clean to pass on very strong messages to the society.
    In the modern times a shaven head has indeed been accepted as a symbol of being in control. That may just give her the idea or a sense that ‘she’s in some control of her own. I think this is about control, about her trying to get into the driver’s seat. Grace Jones in her memoir, explained why she got razor-happy: “It made me look hard, in a soft world”. Ale Wek. Wek used her hair to break down beauty standards. While walking in a Betsey Johnson show in 1998, she ripped off her blonde wig and threw it to the crowd, as if to say: “I’m beautiful as I am”.

    2
  90. I would say, Talk to your husband. Then talk to God. Let God reveal what really is going on with you. He is very good at that!

    2
  91. I think that she needs anchoring. Something from which she can draw meaning and purpose – beyond marriage and children and a career and all the trappings of this life. This anchoring will come from an authentic relationship with God – and I am not talking about mere religion.

    It will help to live her life for more than just herself – to help others. Don’t just throw money at their problems. Find a child without parents and without hope and become the hope or the parent for that child. Determine to turn this child’s life around completely. Choose one person and invest your life in transforming theirs. You will never be able to be “ungrateful”.

    Lastly, she probably needs a few problems to ground her. I know how sadistic this sounds but there is just a way real issues give you clarity on what things are non-issues…

    6
  92. I was once in that position, where everything was confusing, I didn’t have it all but I didn’t know what I wanted either. Then my mom died, and I was jostled back to reality and every day happinesses and sadnesses. And now, my work is to notice and evaluate and re-evaluate everything. I don’t work with weeks or years, I work with now and what I want. My duties are secondary to what ME wants.

    I hope and pray nothing bad happens to awaken her, but I pray she finds the good things in life that make her find meaning. Hell, why not try out going back to the university to become a doctor, 7 hectic years, I know I fantasize about that.

    1
  93. Dance, sing in the bathroom, go for a morning run, read, pray………..repeat. Come after 2 months and tell us how you feel.

  94. I think she is uncontented. I also think she is seeking happiness in the wrong things. A husband, a degree, kids, car, porn, massages, popping nails, property…. name it, are NOT a source of happiness. I think happiness comes from within when one is at peace and content. Some of these things are spiritual, from God. Once she sorts that out she will be grateful. it’s very wrong and BAD to be ungrateful Mrs 37-year-old. Get on track b4 you lose everything that you have now because you are taking it for granted just because of pupa na tamaa!

    Again, Jesus helps confused minds, you could read Joyce Meyer’s book ‘Battlefield of the Mind’
    I’m done thinking!

    6
  95. I’ve had women friends over the course of my 15 year marriage and at an early age of marriage, most go through this phase. Not sure what they want, and unfortunately some reconnect with an old flame trying to pin down what they really want. I have a feeling this is what you’re going through, but am no expert. I experienced it myself and scoured through my phone looking for previous phone numbers (luckily I didn’t find). It’s not coz one doesn’t love who they are with any more. It’s a bit of a confusing phase. Most go through it in silence and never share, especially if they succumb to their unknown urges. Some ride it out, life gets busy, and somehow get through the phase. So, in short, I have no idea how to get out of it but apart from myself, I know a few other friends who have gone through it.

    2
  96. My friend tells me that she sometimes wants to tell her son to get into trouble just a little bit..He is too good! does everything perfectly,.He does exactly what is expected of him or more… She worries that this may not be good for him. That its through the wrongs we do, the mistakes we make, the shit we get in and go through that we find purpose in life.. I think I am now starting to believe her.

  97. Sometimes we are just too tired of the comfort, like the Bible prodigal son- he never lacked anything from his father and thought of himself to pursue what the world could offer.

    He came back to his father not as a son but a servant.

    Am not married yet but am sure that if she doesn’t hold it up together, she has more to lose than gain.

    3
  98. Find your PURPOSE – What you were born to do.

    To find your purpose, You must first discover your IDENTITY -Who are you.

    Once you find your purpose, emboldened by your identity, You shall wake up each day driven (even on difficult days) by a vision greater than yourself. No room for boredom.

  99. She just wants a “bad boy” who’ll cheat on her, be dishonest ec cetera.
    She wants”drama” given that everything seems just okay, just the way we read in Mills & Booms (hope that’s the correct spelling
    She wants to her husband to go be her a reason to leave

    Marriage can be exhausting, I guess, after 13 years

    2
  100. Controversial as it may seem, this lady needs Jesus. She is living a life with no purpose and as a result, she’s trying to fill the hole in her life with all manner of things, starting from career, alcohol, pornography wolf riding….none of those will ever satisfy. Her husband is not the problem- maybe a scapegoat of what she should get rid of. She needs to connect with her maker and find the real reason she’s alive. He calls all who are thirsty and he will give them living water and they’ll never thirst again.

    4
  101. Oh God!
    This is exactly my feelings since Jan 2019.
    At some point I usually feel like I just want to be left alone. My friends tend to feel like am ungrateful but This not the case.
    Just link us up and we can try to discover ourselves once more.

    2
  102. There was no climax in that story…boring as hell…Also Biko, are there no happy marriages out there? You always post sad heart breaking stories

    1
  103. Godliness+ contentment = great gain

    The flesh/our mortal selves will always want more. Adam and Eve had everything, But they still fell for the idea of MORE!! This inclination of heart in human beings works well since it drives us to grow and reach our potential, BUT beware of the plans of the Devil. His whispers are real. Sin just as the forbidden fruit looks very delicious but later turns out to taste like gravel. That said,,

    Pray and watch amidst the confusion. S. Take a break but not away from your family. They will act like a shield when temptations hit harder.

    6
  104. Well,I feel more confused than she is..I don’t know what she wants either and I don’t know what I’d tell her if chance made me meet her..so I’d probably just stare at her,like she’s losing it..,

    1
  105. Biko this woman sounds bored and is just looking for an excuse to stray in her marriage maybe all she needs is to share her fantasies with her husband and see if it’s something they can explore

    1
  106. This lady has not faced any challenges in her marriage to appreciate what she has – an absent alcoholic husband like Mrs D in last week’s story; the Pied Piper, 10% stories etc. Or living in financial struggle and lack, struggling to put food on the table for her kids, pay rent and fees etc. I dont pray that for her but she needs to realise that people out there are struggling with real issues. If she was going through any of the common challenges women are going through she definately would not be bored!

    1
  107. Sounds crazy at 39 but I think you are starting to come into yourself. The scary part is that, you may come to the realization that the life you have isn’t what you want. Well, you have two options i.e in my opinion: Pack your bags and leave to uncertainty or learn to enjoy your life even from where you are at. I’d go for the latter… you know, when life gives you lemons kind of a thing.

  108. A passionless marriage/relationship; the marriage foundation is faulty ; all that glitters is not gold ;she has to soul search the answer to her being dissatisfied in her marriage and life in general is within her -but she has to remove the layers of bandages to see the festering wound and treat it -go to the roots

  109. I would suggest her taking time to look inward and fill the gap within….Whatever is going on internally is what is affecting her….she needs to call that therapist and do more sessions.

  110. This is hypergamy at its best. This is the problem when a woman marries a beta no matter how good he is. That man’s life Biko is about to be turned upside down save him. Because she must find her alpha male and lay him. Let’s hope it ends there. And good for him he keeps his money secret because if it doesn’t end with the lay the other endgame usually is zeroing him out.

  111. Sigh. Sometimes I tend to think that there is some truth in the statement “women just want a bad boy”. She is bored, being pampered and treated right and all that. She needs some little drama and flavors. Maybe a man who drinks, who cheats, who constantly puts her emotions on a roller coaster.Maybe, just maybe.
    I hope she finds her true North though. Whatever that means.

    2
  112. My dear it’s called mid life crisis. Hold on and don’t do anything foolish. Don’t leave your husband or do something that will cause you endless apologies.

    1
  113. We at nallaestates.co.ke will offer her a furnished beach property in Diani to entertain that bearded fantasy man for a weekend, for free.

  114. I’m yet to finish reading the book, but this pretty much feels like what Linda, in Paulo Coelho’s book, Adultery, is going through.

    Maybe our 37-year old lady (since you gave no name) can read the book, and get some answers.

  115. It’s not in our place to judge, calling her spoilt etc We all have different struggles and just because hers aren’t like yours doesn’t mean that they aren’t real or we should down play them.

    I am not married but I remember going through a phase like that. I had everything going for me but I felt uncontent and tried looking for something to fill in the void, mostly bad things I might say. I also did everything I was supposed to, get good grades, being the dutiful daughter etc. Eventually this longing turned into a depressive phase for me because I couldn’t really put a finger on what was actually wrong.

    I did a lot of soul searching, and it’s very messy. I am learning and unlearning what makes me tick and happy. There are still some of these confusing moments but I try make the things I do very intentional, not because I have the time or money but things that feed my soul.

    My advice to you is that it gets better. I hope you find yourself out there. I hope you learn how to be kind to yourself, how to embrace the journey you are on. I hope you learn how to be proud of where you are, even if it isn’t exactly where you want to be.

    And mostly, I hope you learn to fall in love with the process, with the messiness of life and the confusion of it all.

    3
  116. She has the best man and is restlessly trying to wrestle him away. The calm in the boat is so disturbing that she must experience turbulence. For one to appreciate peace must they experience war? I was in a relationship where I gave my very best and then some. Did as she asked, lowered my ego and she acknowledged, accommodated her need to be with her family, supported her career progress, bought flowers not that I cared for flowers but they made her happy so I bought bouquet after bouquet, made her tea because she s a tea lover, took her on adventures because we both loved adventure bought her amarula as she started experimenting with alcohol. She still found the most spurious of reasons to fight. Fights always went from bad to worse, then worst and a few paces forward. When she left she ping ponged on reasons for leaving, from one issue to another like those analogue games we played in our mamas phones. When she couldn’t find a reason she dug up a reason. When she couldn’t dig a reason she said she was drained. Finally, I decided to let that bird fly, and fly it did. And now I search for peace joy within with the hope there shall be a bird perching on my tree, a bird I can tame or fly together but that restless birds should fly, the sooner the better.

    2
  117. “So what do you want?” I ask her because now I’m thinking she’s married to Jesus’s cousin. !

    start a group of women who struggle in their marriage, listen to them and understand their wishes. It shall help you a lot! giving back is the only cure here.

    1
  118. Wow, at first i thought, “this must be the good hammer that has never hit his owner’s thumb” that’s like soooo painful but mehn,this one is new

    1
  119. Biko I don’t think she is unhappy with her marriage. She is just unhappy with life. She needs to find purpose. What ever that will mean for her. There’s a TED Talk dubbed ‘There’s more to life than being happy’ by Emily Esfahani.

    1
  120. All i read was the beginning of depression. It starts with not enjoying the things that you did. Not finding fulfilment in what you do. Being unhappy in happy situations. Having achieved everything by logic but feeling underachieved by heart. It doesn’t always have to have suicidal ideations but soon it turns to waking up unhappy,being sad for no apparent reason and by the time this things happen it may be months because diseases don’t read textbooks and won’t always follow a set sequence.

    4
  121. Well what you feel may not have a name but the fact that you give it your attention, clearly it matters. Maybe you should try out your fantasy then you will get so disappointed you will wonder what the hell you were thinking in the first place. Get a taste of the real world kinda thing.

  122. I have learnt the importance of being content. We will always think solutions are outside ourselves if we dont learn to be happy. Everything else is an add on that or a opportunity to show we need to work on ourselves.

    1
  123. she is bored.. she needs to buy some lingerie, some handcuffs and whip.. hide in the bedroom the day her husband comes home from his overseas trip. Put the porn she watches on the laptop as he comes to the bedroom and hide in the cupboard.. then as the husband looks around for her after watching some free porn, she can pounce on him, handcuff him and put shorts on him, then do what she imagines to do with a man in shorts, afterwards she can take the keys under a flowerpot and uncuff the poor or rather happy fella… it could become routine and she could get rid of boredom..

    4
  124. We loose ourselves in careers, marriages, societal expectations, then later in life comes this phase, devoid of everything else but yourself. It is here, in this chaos, that we find ourselves.

    It is a phase. It shall pass.

    1
  125. She should go on ahead and find Mr Beard ..she can just start with little chats,but she should not let it go too far ..I know when its just about time to reach far,she will suddenly realize herself. It is the insatiable nature of the human body …when you think you want sth ..once you have it..then you even dont remember why you even were craving for it.

  126. She should trying living life on the normal lane. Eat githeri with ovacado. Take a matatu and read those stickers on them. Go swim at YMCA. Shop at tuskys beba beba and kangemi. The list on normal lane is endless…..

    4
  127. This story is totally relatable. You might even lose sleep and not know why, because everything in your life seems to be where it should be. Maybe that’s the problem, that everything is where it should be. Move some things in your life a little (or a lot) and miss the order. Then you’ll appreciate your life with all its ordinariness and work your way back to your center.

    1
  128. I really liked Biko’s effort and creativity in spicing up her story. But her story isn’t catchy. In trying to understand what she wants i was left dissapointed and with a mild headache.

    1
  129. I can definitely relate, its not boredom really. Its not the thrill or the rush of adrenaline, i don’t know how to describe it. For me I think it comes coz i got married young so i kinda have a lot of what ifs going on in my head. But i know for my age, early thirties, i have a lot.

  130. Poor guy, this lady is the hard to please type. The problem could also be the company she is keeping, influence by friends who could be having affairs and bragging about it, making her feel inadequate.

  131. Hormones are very powerful things, we are helpless in their wake. More of a recreational drug of choice. From what I read… Mr. beard, the key under the flower pot, meet me at ABC is happening.

  132. Except for the pornography bit ,this is a reflection of me 90%.
    Am at a point where I have everything but lately am confused on what exactly I want.The things that make me happy are wild and way out of my principles .
    Thanks Biko for assuring other babes are going through the same !
    Hopefully,you will soon do ‘phase 2 ‘stories of how things ended in most of your stories .

    2
  133. I think she held back alot From you, she knows exactly what’s wrong but couldn’t tell you.
    I am not a therapist, but I sense perfection is something she strives for, so saying what’s wrong-which she knows- would confirm her fears, that there is nothing perfect.
    But as I said, not a therapist!

    1
  134. Ahem…….. What’s the story again? Yaaaaaaaawn. Biko don’t allow for such a boring story to be typed. Better still don’t let her waste your time with those phone calls. She needs to pick a struggle!!!

    1
  135. Why dont you try the activities in your fantasies with your hubby. Trust me you create your own fun, nobody else can. Happiness is a decision. What you are seating on is a gold mine, I pray you dont wonder off and when you come back you find the gold taken or stolen… Finding a good partner is so rare, fight those feelings you are having.

    2
  136. This is my twin. I thought I was losing my mind. Great husband, great kids, good job..but a yoyo moments of happiness. At times you just don’t know what’s happening.. insomnia hits so hard at times. I have been referred to a psychiatrist, been put on sleeping pills.
    I long for “freedom”, that genuine happiness. A different place I can fly and perch.

    3
  137. WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?
    I have read of women whose husbands are alcoholics, and they love them to death….women who can’t keep track on their hubbies’ mistresses but love every bit of them. ….women who at times get battered but still stick to their husbands…

    Then,

    There are women with perfect husbands but treat them with all kinds of madharau, perfect husbands that are teetotalers, assist to prepare dinner, and don’t mind long walks with their babies to allow their wives quiet time.

    I think women are fixers, and don’t like anything perfect.

    ALL MEN, LETS BE IMPERFECT.

    Ahem

    5
  138. I suggest she sits down with hubby and tries to talk this through with him. Who knows?? He might surprise her by getting through it with her. Also get a new hobby or find something that she will intensely enjoy. She’ll find herself slowly getting less frustrated and more grateful for little things. She just needs to find something that gives her joy but definitely not Mr Beard guy!!!!

  139. Her confused life and now the fantasies. Her words and her actions are divergent. I mean they pull in opposite directions as if her brain’s narrator and navigator have entirely different ideas about the world and what she wants of it. All shall be well.

  140. Life is so interesting, we really don’t understand how good we have it till it’s gone. Please don’t wait until that happens, appreciate everything you have been blessed with and be content, that is key. Stop looking when you’ve found it, because you’ll never stop searching, happiness comes from within.

    2
  141. Anyway, I think we all trying to figure out what her issue is coz its not veeery clear to the general Biko readership.

    Today was a beautiful day, I went for breast cancer scan and I am cancer free. Bless God.

    7
  142. Your struggle is legitimate. I think what you are yearning for is something much deeper…Jesus Christ. God. You can search far and wide, but there will always be that longing in our hearts that only Christ can fill.

    I pray you find Him and the fulfillment you seek. ❤️

  143. Wow!
    That’s what exactly late 30’s feels like.
    Couldn’t put it any better. Felt like the without of my life.. Damn! Did you read the texts to my therapist? Hahaha.. or listened to my conversations to my girl /boyfriendsfriends?
    Comrade power , power puff girl.
    The struggle is real.

  144. I am the one who now opens the tool box and compliments the hammer. I fix the microwave, coerce the dangling tooth and do everything else in between because I had to step into a pair of abandoned shoes. And it is hard. I just felt like this story spat on the pain and struggles of those sitting on the jagged edge of broken worlds. Broken hearts.
    But nonetheless, the word styling was superb, as usual. Well done Biko.

    2
  145. This sounds like case of an adrenaline junkie to me. Life has been constantly demanding new things from her and she thrived. The marriage has hit the age of 13, and now she feels that everything is routine and she is sort of bored by it all. I do not find her ungrateful, I find her to be human and likes the a certain type of rush that some of us just do not understand. She will have to figure out what exactly makes her tick and go from there to find the joy she is looking for.

  146. Binadamu wengine hawatosheki. Unampatia kichwa yuasema yuataka roho. Ukimpa roho yuasema yuataka kichwa. Ukimpa zote yuasema anataka zote. Na Ukimpa zote pia hatosheki na hajui nini kitakachomtosheleza. That’s the scenario in this story………… Anyway….. Brilliant writing Biko….. As always.

  147. I think it’s a normal unfortunate happening to be in that “I don’t know” phase…as in things just happen and what was fun is nolonger fun and you wonder what exactly you want or wonna do..
    Deep down there is sth amiss and you disappointed with self..take a break,hopefully you successfully identity it, accept it and fix it if possible

  148. I think many married people can relate. there is that point in the rship you just get an itch. that life is just floating by. its boring, you crave drama and something new. its all human. its why also men with perfect wives cheat. at some point you just get bored and want some excitement.it shall pass.

  149. For those who were asking for a happy marriage there you go. Here is a marriage with no drama.. I read with my sarcastic face on because there is no meat in her story.. nothing against people in such relationships but I think i like marriage stories with ups and downs because I can relate to such stories.. bitter sweet kinda situations

  150. “So on top of your sexual illicitness you are also a racist.”

    Hahahhaha, trust Biko to find humor even in serious matters.

    She needs to go back to enjoying her drink-she is going through a phase and it will pass. Affairs never end well.

  151. The point of her story is not her husband. It’s her space in life. This is a result of having a certain goal/checklist. I understand where she’s coming from. She has achieved what she set out to do and now she doesn’t know what else is there.
    I don’t know much about life but I think you should share this with your husband. He may or may not understand but since he knows you he may be a good sounding board and may have an insight into you that even you don’t. Tell him everything you’ve shared and more of what you haven’t. You just might be surprised. All the best and be blessed.
    PS: You can try practice gratitude. You write what you are grateful for daily. A reason to give thanks.

  152. Get a couple of girlfriends, go out and share in their marital problems and you’ll go home a very satisfied ghel. Again, find joy in being in that marriage, I find that having a couples disagreement/tiff helps put things into perspective, start that fight like, “Babe, I noticed that you can’t say sorry for any wrong you do, like the time where you…” and take it from there. That fight will spark something, if your relationship was a person we would say it lacks personality.

    1
  153. Does anyone else think the husband is cheating?Maybe that’s why she’s feeling like that?From that day he came home happy?How women know even when they don’t know?How he’s so perfect with her (apologies for associating this with cheating)?
    I don’t think she should go through with the bearded guy plan.It is really not worth it.Also there are other many ways to ‘snap’ out of it without causing trouble for oneself.I know what she’s talking about, wanting sth ‘new’ to happen.Something out of the ordinary.Something exciting, something to amke her appreciate all that she has.

  154. Reading this from a therapist’s point of view and I must say she would be an interesting client to work with.
    I hope she finds what she is looking for.
    Good read, thanks Biko.

  155. I know for a fact. Women cannot survive in a relationship that it is so good. A relationship with no scandals. They like abit of turmoils. If their are no turmoils, they will create one. Women like figuring out and solving stuffs. As a man, if you don’t give her something to solve she will create her own. Don’t be a ‘GOOD MAN’ but be a loving one.

    1
  156. I think contentment is subjective and might be elusive to those that think it is a feeling and not a choice. She needs to be okay with what she has as well as to practice gratitude and appreciate what she has to feel content. You don’t get contentment from the outside world. You get it from within. You choose it every day. You tell yourself about it and your subconscious mind will believe it. Otherwise, she’s stuck in a rut. Hope she discovers her blessings.

    1
  157. I think her biggest issue is that she doesn’t even knw what she hates about her life… Thats why its difficult to find a solution… Her life has happened in a ‘perfect’ succession series from education to career to marriage…. Maybe she is questioning if that series is what she wanted…
    What do i know!.., this got me confused too..

    1
  158. She’s lived the societal script… Now… She needs to take a step back, take a break and remember the dreams she had as a child and visions she had and work towards achieving them. That will definitely give her fulfillment. Oh…forget the fantasies.. thaz just a little devil trying to Rock your world in a devastating way…. Life begins at 40!!!! Now LIVE!!! I believe your hubby and children will support you.

    1
  159. She got me until she brought the idea of having a bearded man in shorts. If she ever leaps and there comes her bearded guy in shots and she takes the opportunity, it won’t end well.

    1
  160. If you’re reading this, i get you. 100%.

    Some of the advice on here is akin to telling a grieving individual “Get over it”

    Regardless of what we think, she feels how she feels and there’s little she can do to change that.

    She feels like something is missing in her life. She has some ideas of what it could be, but she’s not sure what.

    She’s tried therapy but it hasn’t worked.

    She wants to follow her instincts & try different things to figure it out but is in a situation that doesn’t really allow her.
    Marriage, Societal norms, family…

    She’s caught between a rock and a hard place.

    Seems like her options are to either stick it out & hope things work themselves out, do what she needs to do with the help & knowledge of her husband (who might understand her situation), do what she needs to do without his help & knowledge regardless of the consequences or break away from her situation first and follow her instincts.

    There are alternative ways of living. We’re not all built for the norm. Be free. Be bold. Write your own book, chart your own way. However odd it may seem to others.

    14
    1. “Chart your own way. However odd it may seem to others” This statement could not be more apt. Most of us live a scripted life – In self/society imposed cells. In the end we will look back and wonder why we cared so much what others thought, why we did not trust our instincts, follow our guts and why we didn’t stay true to ourselves. Why didn’t we really live?!

      “Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds.” – Bob Marley

      2
  161. Story of the Children of Israel, never had challenges, never lacked anything, never worked, food was in plenty, clothes never worn out, I mean life was just good….but equally they were not happy, complaints day in day out, oh water, oh same food everyday, oh who is Moses and why does God favour him.. i guess they also they didn’t know why?….stiff necked people God forgive us.

    2
  162. The heading of the story for me is….Everything but confusion…. when we have everything and still cant pin point what the problem is….Biko from reading this story you can be a good therapist.

  163. That’s a very confusing state especially when you got everything going for you. she should just take a trip. alone.She sounds like a loner who misses their time alone. which isn’t a bad thing. Maybe she might recharge.

    1
  164. Biko,
    I would have given you my story but since you used ‘nurses’ the way you did and i am one, a proud one for that matter, i will just pass.

    1
  165. The cousin of Jesus!Prayer item answered!
    She should pass the baton to the next sister out there who might be happy with this guy!

  166. I may sound religious but hear me out. Each human being has a God shaped space in their hearts. She may be lacking nothing yet lacking it all……peace of mind. Only God completes us and makes us whole.

  167. This is a case of “reaching heaven and complaining it lacks a bit of hell in it, you miss the hell-ish fetish”
    The common syndrome of you get a good hubby and then complain he’s too good, 14 yr of no affair, no bad thing to write about, he’s not man enough! I better look out for the MAN man.

    It’s a case of those who have nothing to complain about sad/depressed that they have nothing to complain about

    2
  168. we are just stewards. Maybe your purpose in this life is to make a difference in other people’s lives. inspire and let someone else or a family out there get close to a better life. take on new challenges to better some else’s life. Guess what. You never know what you have got till it is gone.

  169. She needs purpose. That emptiness comes from achieving goals then discovering that the high was in the chase, not achievement.

    She should try taking a break from her life routine and do something that is not for her or her life of privilege. Something that will make someone not as privileged as her make a better step in life, or actually achieve happiness.

    Let her not focus within, but without.

  170. i understand her. I feel like she told my story. Difference being that I figured out that all the emptiness can only be filled from within. No one, not even Mr. Beards will take her there. I hope she finds herself because that is really who she is longing for.

    1
  171. These are what we call good problems haki. You have a man who loves you, he takes good care of you and the children, spend quality time with you whenever he can and you are here complaining. You need to refocus and think again madam before it is too late. Imagine how he would get hurt if you cheat on him and find out and even if he doesn’t, how about the guilt?

    1
  172. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know WHAT? Maybe it is true what they say, Women are from Venus and men from Mars, from a Man’s Perspective, You have it ALL in your hands, be grateful for that and don’t screw it up, please

  173. I can honestly relate. Married to Jesus’s cousin but completely guilty of being an ingrate. Hoooo my wish is simply to meet Biko. Just for just. Maybe I can tell my story. Do I think it’s nice, I think it’s so discreet. Some things I have done,I can’t even tell myself.

    #HelpMeMeetBiko

  174. This is unbelievable she’s got what most women simply want and can’t appreciate it!????? Maybe a reality check would do you good hun

  175. Biko, there is a real danger to a scripted life, most of us live it, go to school don’t get pregnant, graduate, get married go to church…….. then suddenly we realise it was someone else’s script, the sad thing is that we have no idea how to write a new script. She is not bored, the answer is not in an affair or white women the effect will be exactly as the Fox thing. I’d like to tell her she is damn lucky to get a man like that …. with a functional hammer but hey she knows her shoe. What I think is she should rewrite her script slowly discover herself then start living by her script and accommodating those she loves let her mind wonder and each time act on her thoughts till she finds herself. Most of us lived within this script. We should let our kids find themselves early

    1
  176. Maybe the lesson here is that all that glitters is not gold. Been through this and sharing with my girlfriend’s only made me more sad because they did not understand it. How someone who seems to be in the perfect place can feel unhappy. Requires a lot of soul searching and self reflection but it can get better.

  177. The Irony…
    I really feel sad for this woman, and as she said some might think it’s a joke or she’s ungrateful but I doubt. One thing for sure I agree with her “every period of one’s life comes with its own crisis”.
    I really hope she gets help n get to know what’s happening to her, least she gets depression or marital affairs, wooiii, God for us all.

  178. She loves/loved a challenge….at 37 she has everything she ever “wanted”. She feels lost because there’s nothing that can challenge her hence the weird fantasies. She got married at 24 and probably never lacked anything growing up. And if this is it, she probably needs a reset of some sorts…It’s not about her marriage but it’s about her. If she’s not happy, the probability of her making everyone miserable is very high. She needs to get out of her comfort zone totally and maybe just maybe that will give her the reset she needs.

  179. Life is strange… When I read stories like this I know this to be true even more. Everyone has an itch that they cannot scratch, so we choose to change clothes yet we know it isn’t the clothes that are causing that itch.

    I’m 47… I’m tall, dark and handsome. At least that’s what they tell me… I wear shorts a lot and also take pictures too… Lots of pictures that tell stories about my world. The world that I have now chosen to recognise and affirm. I’m married, to a beautiful woman… One that I am trying to figure out all over again because we have both changed so much.

    So I went through a dry spell. This just means a complete lack of fulfillment, occasioned by a change of work stature. I quit my job and it triggered a whole series of events around my identity as a man. I struggled to find myself in that maelstormn of events… And somewhere in that twisting dust devil that was my dry winding spell… The love of my life moved on. And I didn’t even realise it… And when I did, I was powerless to do anything about it, because I didn’t even know who the “F” I was. Pardon my French.

    I’m still married… But that story is for another day. Here is my truth for Ms. Tafaria Castle. Talk to him, not the therapist. Stop worrying about whether he will hurt or not… Maybe he already sees through your facade… So be woman enough and have deep honest conversations with him about how you are and who you are searching to become. Even if you don’t quite know where that road leads. Conversations are the fuel that feed the relationship fire. Talk deeply and honestly without seeking to control where the conversation will go. That is a really scary thing to do… Believe you me. But it will heal you like nothing else can. Here is the disclaimer, you could end up alone… because that’s where the stories lead you to. But at least you will know and that in itself will your salve.

    The second thing is this… Do you. Find our space, separate from him to explore your individuality. Every fire or flame needs air to really burn bright. So don’t suffocate yourselves with each other. Some space is good. It allows him to see you… Really see you… Shimmer and glow in the dark… From a distance across the room as the oxygen of space ignites your fires.

    Perhaps I have said to much. What do I know anyway, I’m still trying to figure my own shit out. But words are free so here they are… Given to you to do with as you choose. I’m riding past your hood as I write this, heading homeward to bury my mother… Dead at 72 from cancer. She was a very practical woman, and if she was here, she would say… Keep working at it… Nobody has all the answers. Not even her, after 50 years of marriage.

    Godspeed on your journey Ms. T. It shall be well…

    Life happens… So don’t watch it unfold before your very eyes without taking part in it. You are the lead character in your own life story… So be the star of that show and stop second guessing yourself.

    1
  180. Life is strange… When I read stories like this I know this to be true even more. Everyone has an itch that they cannot scratch, so we choose to change clothes yet we know it isn’t the clothes that are causing that itch.

    I’m 47… I’m tall, dark and handsome. At least that’s what they tell me… I wear shorts a lot and also take pictures too… Lots of pictures that tell stories about my world. The world that I have now chosen to recognise and affirm. I’m married, to a beautiful woman… One that I am trying to figure out all over again because we have both changed so much.

    So I went through a dry spell. This just means a complete lack of fulfillment, occasioned by a change of work stature. I quit my job and it triggered a whole series of events around my identity as a man. I struggled to find myself in that maelstormn of events… And somewhere in that twisting dust devil that was my dry winding spell… The love of my life moved on. And I didn’t even realise it… And when I did, I was powerless to do anything about it, because I didn’t even know who the “F” I was. Pardon my French.

    I’m still married… But that story is for another day. Here is my truth for Ms. Tafaria Castle. Talk to him, not the therapist. Stop worrying about whether he will hurt or not… Maybe he already sees through your facade… So be woman enough and have deep honest conversations with him about how you are and who you are searching to become. Even if you don’t quite know where that road leads. Conversations are the fuel that feed the relationship fire. Talk deeply and honestly without seeking to control where the conversation will go. That is a really scary thing to do… Believe you me. But it will heal you like nothing else can. Here is the disclaimer, you could end up alone… because that’s where the stories lead you to. But at least you will know and that in itself will your salve.

    The second thing is this… Do you. Find our space, separate from him to explore your individuality. Every fire or flame needs air to really burn bright. So don’t suffocate yourselves with each other. Some space is good. It allows him to see you… Really see you… Shimmer and glow in the dark… From a distance across the room as the oxygen of space ignites your fires.

    Life happens… So don’t watch it unfold before your very eyes without taking part in it. You are the lead character in your own life story… So be the star of that show and stop second guessing yourself.

    Perhaps I have said to much. What do I know anyway, I’m still trying to figure my own shit out. But words are free so here they are… Given to you to do with as you choose. I’m riding past your hood as I write this, heading homeward to bury my mother… Dead at 72 from cancer. She was a very practical woman, and if she was here, she would say… Keep working at it… Nobody has all the answers. Not even her, after 50 years of marriage.

    Godspeed on your journey Ms. T. It shall be well…

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  181. This is a very honest piece. She shared everything as is; and it is okay not to be okay. I feel like she did all the things we are all made to believe are the right choice and now she is at a point where it is all done. So what next? There is a curiosity lingering…what would be different if different choices were made. Noone ever tells you that following all the rules is not a guarantee of happiness and contentment. If I were you I would want to block out what society thinks is an ideal life and find out what is ideal for me. Happiness is personal.

  182. She needs Jesus. That’s what she is lacking. She needs to connect with her Maker, for we were not created to live on earth by ourselves but in communion with God.

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  183. she is craving danger..that’s what is missing in her life.something ”deathly”. she needs a crisis in her life.no woman is perfect and all have deep insecurities.so she will find anyone who provides what she is missing as attractive.in this case she is missing danger.she is tired of an ideal life.

  184. This is my run-away-to place when my life doesn’t make sense. A good read, confusing, leaves you questioning your own current situation or at least it has for me.

  185. I read your story and pumped into a mystery that I got no answer to. My wife left me for unknown reasons but now I know it’s definitely Mr Beards!
    A few months before, or a year if that pleases you I caught her watching porn. And just to crown it all, 2 days before she moved out I discovered she’s been having a secret handset which I never knew about. I knew something will or has gone wrong already.
    Biko now be kind enough and tell me what will happen next…

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  186. She is trapped because humans are fluid & not meant to be in one place, one thing all their lives. jujumama.com will give you answers

  187. You might label her as been too hedonistic in her ways and wanting more from life than most people get, but then you know she is not alone in wanting to tip over the apple cart, because many of our social constructs are just this,; social constructs.

  188. This is amazing because I experienced the same and am below 30 years old. It happens especially those of us ladies who like to be touched but also want to be left alone.
    I walked out, at times I feel bad but it I remind myself it was too much and I like many others don’t do too much.

  189. We can never have it all in life, there will always be something that reminds us to seek God. It is frustrating to know that you want something but you don’t know what it is that you want. It is a phase that too will pass, just don’t make any major decisions during this phase. Everyday we pray that God gives us contentment in the many big or small things that we have, nothing that is more fulfilling than deriving joy in what you have and where you are.

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  190. This kind of boredom needs a superior being. Emptiness is a sign of a broken relationship with your creator. We are made to worship God, we have to trace our steps back to him when faced with such challenges. Thanks Biko

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  191. The lady is rightfully portraying most struggles of long marriages…Balance between predictability/familiarity/security/stability vs element of desire/freedom/passion/ adventure that is sustained by very few monogamous couples. I believe she is being brutally honest saying desires that the society will judge…but truth be told its just human nature to want more. So ‘Mrs Good hammer’ …before u do something silly or be hammered by Mr shorts with a ‘nyundo’ ..go look for a lady called Esther Perel online and her book called (Mating in captivity). you will save alot of cheddar by avoiding paying judgmental therapists. XoXo

  192. Goodness! Some of us are still dreaming and praying for such a marriage when we grow up! This one hints at a spoiler alert:(
    Anywho, maybe getting married to Mr. Perfect was just a tick in the box,you know just like everything else e.g going up the career ladder and stuff…She said it herself,she knew he’d make a good husband even before he proposed. Meaning not much thought was put into it. It was just tick,tick and tick let’s go! She probably didn’t consider their compatibility or whether he’s the kind she’d want to spend her whole life with and stuff and so after the conquest, there’s nothing left to be excited about, unfortunately. Talking to her husband should be challenging enough for her to want to do it and see how things turn out and who knows,she might just be surprised there’s more to this heart-guy

  193. Yes she acknowledges good things she has but is she really grateful?If she was grateful for the very things she has she will get that she doesn’t have;Peace of mind. Through prayers.

  194. There are head guys then there are heart guys: Head guys will wonder why you didn’t carry a jacket. Heart guys will cover your goose-pimpled shoulders with their jacket.
    ……………………………………………………………………………………………..
    Am 37 too,have had my fair share of women from when I was 20.To some I was a head guy and a heart guy to others.To those I was the later communicate back alot even if in stable relationships/marriages.To those I was the former there is not much after.women love bad boys,they miss them,they can’t resist them,they don’t forget them……….. I would ask Mrs Tafaria not to seek one-she will ruin a good marriage and spoil the stability her children are enjoying.please DONT!!!!.Instead seek fulfilment in God through community service.Its true service to humanity is service to God.start a business not neccesarily for profits but occupation and creat employment.Find a good church and be active.Trust me the boredom will just vanish.i wish you well

  195. Nice piece Biko…it shows what happens when you spend your life chasing what society tells you will bring you happiness/fulfillment only to achieve it and realize it’s not what you want at all. It’s the story of most people’s lives myself included. You could say it’s mid life crisis but mid life crisis is just the universe calling on you to start living more authentically and stop conforming to society’s expectations. A spiritual quest for God would do her good (except don’t look for God in all the usual places…).

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  196. There’s a God-shaped vacuum in every human being and only He can fill it. That’s hers, I think. She (all of us really) can go around fulfilling every one of our wishes and desires but nothing, besides Him satisfies fully.

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  197. I think that the title says it all: what she needs is a good hammer to help her realise that what she is looking for is right under her nose. The hammer could be to cross the line with the nameless, bearded guy with a hairy chest and to realise that that is not it. Or have a road accident (I honestly don’t wish that on her or anyone) that will give her that replay-of-my-life-in-five-seconds moment. Or binge over a holiday away from home (she didn’t fill the vacuum that was left after she stopped partying) . A jolt of whatever nature.

    My suggestion is for her to jolt herself by starting something new: quit her job in a huff and pursue her passion. The new challenges will get her juices flowing again. She will exhale….

    I can relate to her situation. Or rather her hubby’s. Wifey is always looking and chasing but she doesn’t quite know what. Today it is her dream of working in France for a couple of years. Tomorrow is building a business around design (decor, interior design, etc. She is a natural at this) . Yesterday it was music (she is quite a singer, too). Day after tomorrow it will be running a school. Ad nauseam. She loves company but does not quite connect with people. She will discuss anything and everything but skirts around really personal stuff. And avoids her friends when they get too close. When I am away from home for a couple of days she will say that she misses me. But it is not in her voice or eyes. She sometimes looks present but distant from all around her, including our year-old daughter.

    I am reminded of a picture doing the rounds a while back: two cob-webbed skeletons seated at a dusty rusty table holding beer mugs. The picture was captioned: we will sit here and drink beer until we understand what women want

  198. I was about to get disappointed that there’s no take home lesson in this but then again Alas! I guess it goes a long way in showing that Happiness is self made, an inside job, DIY with her own toolbox! as cliché as it sounds your marriage can never be your everything, neither will your ‘good hammer’ as much as it’s a ‘good to have’ He is most certainly having a ball, He probably attends grand prix with his money and has a sassy girlfriend whom he flies across the Atlantic with and she rides him and have hearty laughs together, they have their own inside jokes, she goes home ecstatic and says a dozen ‘thankyous’ as he leaves his kabambe in the flying deck’s glove compartment till the next flight. Even cheating won’t fill up this void, Unfortunately at times we just need life to shake us a bit and realise what we are taking for granted.

  199. What a boring story! Girl doesn’t know what she wants. Readers love to be enthralled, surprised, and otherwise emotioned. More than half of the answers she gave were “I don’t know”. Biko please, I think its time to wind up your “Women & Marriage” series. Please go back to “Men & Marriage”, that was the real deal.

  200. She says that what she has “should” make her happy but I don’t think so.

    Sounds like someone who is struggling with the realization of a life half-lived and man, can that be scary and confusing!

    SO she checked all the boxes, but did she also draw the boxes? I feel like there is an entire generation that is now struggling with the outcome of outsourced dreams and goals. That succumbed to the notions of success that were presented to them by socialization.

    I am not very young but also not too old either but I know for sure that no amount of family or money will give anyone happiness until they thoroughly introspect and come up with their own value systems and thereby define success on that bedrock.

    In an opposing view from most, this woman is poor. She literally has nothing! At 37 and struggling to discover what makes you tick, happiness? meaning? sounds very tragic to me.

    For those of you here reading and aspiring to Mr. Rights and money and all other societal bullshit trophies, start first by questioning why you even want those things. What part of your values do they align with? Otherwise, mnaelekea hapa tu nyote!

    1. Sis everyone needs to read and understand this to save them from themselves and those societal expectations! Worded so well, thank u!

  201. I think she is bored, and is ready for some conversations with her husband, some role play perhaps (hubbyI with the tool box can be Santa with the big beard lol)…..or maybe a solo trip away would do her some good.

  202. she wants a man to tell her she is strong ,a man who talks about how good she is at what she does,her achievements but not like in a romantic way in a bullish way

  203. The notion that we must know exactly what we want at all times does not reflect the truth. It is okay to not know what you want at certain times in your life. You have the right to take the time to figure it out for yourself without some timeline weighing down on you. Sometimes we work so hard for something we think we want and when we finally get it, it looses its taste…..its appeal. You are left wondering why you even wanted it in the first place! I applaud her bravery for being truthful by stating that what most women (or men) consider a ‘price’ no longer appeals to her. I totally identify with her story. EVERYONE deserves to be happy, to feel engaged and that does not necessarily come from Marriage, Children or Careers. Good luck to her.

  204. Sounds like the woman was drunk or something when she was narrating this story. Biko, you need to go back to her when she’s sober. I can bet it gonna be a different story.

  205. There are those times indeed when you really feel all those feelings mentioned on story.. It feels like Biko got bored along the way. We’re sorry lol

  206. I am not a woman,

    I totally relate to her story..everything in my life is good..not great but i cant really complain..but i am very dissatisfied..I feel like i need something different. I dont know what that is yet. I recently started smoking,i hate it.

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  207. I think many people go through similar phases….atleast she was bold enough to admit it……and statisticaly speaking it actually happens more often in men than women

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  208. Only Jesus can fill the gap that no man, material things or anything in this world can offer. Only Jesus. Seek a personal relationship with Him and you will be filled and complete.

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  209. This thing of “i think am happy because other people go through hell in their marriage/life” is like – putting others down so that you can feel better about yourself… its a short term happiness, a false consolation.
    Look, if you are not happy you are not happy, no matter how better you might think you are than other people. Find what truly makes you happy because life is too short to stay in one spot unhappy. Let not fear of the unknown be the reason for you to stay in a dark room for the rest of your life

  210. That is not a season she going through. Her husband just isn’t satisfying her in bed. Period. Either he isn’t attentive to her needs, doesn’t know what to do, or just lacks the equipment down there. If you know what I mean. Anytime a woman tells you she is not happy with this perfect man, it 100% has to do with poor bed skills. A woman will never think of having an affair even if she’s married to the greatest jerk of all time – so long as he knows how do that thing. I promise you.

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  211. I think what will quench her thirst is finding her purpose. She might have achieved success as defined by the society but she is yet to find her purpose. Look for ways to serve humanity, I think that’s the missing link.

  212. Biko,
    This is a confusing story from a confused girl. we all yearn to be loved and to get such husbands……. you should have asked her if she gets sexual satisfaction from her husband. this could be the reason she doesn’t know what she wants and feels empty and lonely

  213. I think she’s not the type to open up about things. Like the type of person who has problems that are not real problems. I think she’s hiding something deeper, not just from you but from herself too. She’s not honest.

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  214. Awesome read.
    Piece of advice, get her to go back to therapy and get a personality test. That should help her psychiatrist figure why she is bored. She is bored and looking to get rid of the boredom.

  215. I think she just needs a rollercoaster for the thrill of it.. One gets tired of breathing in oxygen all the time to a point where one wonders how it feels like to breath in sulphur dioxide for a change.. She wants more even if more is less.. Human nature….

  216. I think this is an issue of wanting what you do not have. I have the bearded man in shorts but I could exchange him in a whiff with this guy. i want everything that you’ve described in that man…. sigh. what an irony of life

  217. This is what happens to most of us who are operating in surplus. We suddenly lose focus of what we got and start seeking out something we don’t know, at the expense of what we got.

    We only wake up after sinking so deep, irretrievably deep. Her mind is becoming the devil’s workshop and she’s keen to pursue it. A voice is calling her into the woods and she may not get out if she is keen to follow.

    If you talk to her again, tell her to stop and concentrate on what she got: the husband, kids and her job. Tell her to wake up and shake off those funny feelings. She doesn’t know what she’s up against.

  218. This woman is rich, bored and very ungrateful. She has more than most women are praying for. Things would be very different if her feelings were reversed with her husbands.
    She needs some days away from everything. She will be ok.

  219. This story is real in the sense that these are some of the modern first class world issues we face that do not have answers yet. Maybe one day Biko will end up being a therapist. you never know what his retirement plan is.

    My most favorite part; “You are a good hammer. You always hit it on the head.”

    In other news though; I pray for this kinda man. May our paths cross because I will enjoy every bit of you polishing your hammer.

    1. Very well put… you just never know. So I think that Biko is a Therapist in disguise. He looks into the various narratives that are our lives and offers his version of spin on them. this allows us to see a different point of view that we most likely would not have seen. Offering us perspective without bias… and also by adding his quirky brand of humor, he is able to disarm us for long enough to see the lighter side of things while tackling some very heavy issues. Sometime we need that too… to be able to laugh in the face of danger. there you go… I have always wanted to use that line. Peace out!
      PS.
      Enjoy the search for MC Hammer… 🙂

  220. In my humble opinion, the lady seeks depth in his relationship with the spouse. Thirteen years in marriage without any idea of what he does with his money? Given her level of of achievements she could be wondering why she never got to know about her spouse well enough and she’s afraid it’s too late to fix it.

    On the other hand the gentleman could be living multiple lives because he’s a spy.

    Then again, all struggles are real to their bearers No season is permanent though..

  221. I think this is a problem of ticking all the right boxes, especially if everything you ever wanted came to be eventually… Everyone needs a surreal, something so unattainable, we are forced to accept just as it with no explanation, like death… Issue is she doesn’t have that, she wants to complain like every other woman about her husband, but somehow his sins falls short of every-other man’s sins.. he’s perfect, her life is perfect, but we aren’t dolls, we aren’t made to be one, we need flaws we cannot change, flaws we can only accept, and if she cannot get it from her husband, life or career, she’s going to go crazy. She yearns an imperfection that will make it all perfect. I think she’s being honest than most, how many get that promotion they so wanted then they complain about the hours and the monotony of their job, it’s what we do, it’s who we are, she’s just being honest

  222. Something is wrong….her feelings aren’t off. There is something disingenuous about the husband. If he’s so loving why is he so secretive? Love shares. You aren’t entitled lady, you could be married to a covert narcissist. Please look it up. They can sap your soul, all the while looking perfect to the rest of the world.