Crossroads

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Sometimes he looks at his wife lying on the other sofa, legs stretched out, a cup of tea at the foot of the sofa, watching a silly video from her phone with a frozen smile on her face, the TV murmuring in the background, the children playing outside, or opening the fridge in the kitchen. It’s a quiet Sunday and the help is on her day off. Soon, the doorbell will ring and she will get up and he will hear her speak to the delivery guy, receiving whatever takeout she had ordered because she couldn’t be bothered to cook, which is fine anyway because she’s not good at it. Later, the children – three of them – will gather at the table noisily, hungrily reaching for the pizza as she asks them repeatedly if they have washed their hands, plates clinking, the sound of juice pouring into glasses, seats scraping against the wooden floor, her snapping at one of them to put away their tablet and eat, breaking small sibling squabbles at the table with a snappy voice, a glass being knocked over by a restless elbow…, the general buzz of domesticity. She will be – as she always has been – the general of this small domestic army; directing, chiding, urging, threatening, taking cautious bites at their junk food because she’s always been on some weight loss diet or other.  He sometimes watches her run this chaotic domestic orchestra and sometimes she catches him watching and asks, “what?” to which he says, “nothing” and goes back to reading the e-newspaper from his tablet. During these moments, he wonders what would happen if he told her after the table has been cleared and the children have long scooted off to play outside.

Sometimes he hears her hum in the bathroom as she showers, one of her long unnecessary showers that completely steam the bathroom. He plays out a scenario where he ambushes her while she – after her shower – is bent over pulling drawers open looking for a garment and he pictures her face when she turns and says, “What’s wrong?”, her face suddenly small and fragile, shrunk by worry and trepidation. This is the moment, he realises, in this scenario, where everything changes irrevocably, like cracked china.

Sometimes during the day, he sees her online on Whatsapp when she’s probably out there at work in an empty Covid-time office, seated at the very corner of the room, the city’s skyline a backdrop through the wall of glass. Maybe she’s chatting with one of the kids or one of her friends or one of her family members in their family group and he wonders what would happen if he forwarded her a picture as an introduction, a preamble, and how she would remain online for a bit, staring at the photo disbelievingly and then going offline, and him waiting for his phone to ring, and she never calls and when she walks in through the door later, she looks older and defeated before they even start the fight.

“Lately I have been having dreams,” he says, “ that she’s standing over me in bed and she’s mad as hell and she wants to harm me with something, a weapon, and I’m trying to wake up but I can’t, I’m paralysed. There are many variations of this dream, most of them with her being the aggressor and me being the helpless victim. I’ve had countless of those, often when I wake up I can’t recall them at all, but there’s a lingering nervousness.”

His youngest – only 5-years old – loves to lie on the couch and place his head on his lap, playing Roblox. He’s a spitting image of him but with that brazen courage of his mother. He’s a peculiar boy who dislikes shoes and prefers going about in his socks. He’s temperamental like him but also quick to reconcile, to extend an olive branch, unlike him. He sometimes looks at him, completely absorbed in the strange world of gaming, and he wonders: “Will he remember these moments, when his father’s dignity had not been eroded by his choices. If he will still look at me with my clay feet and still be able to love me, tainted as I am.”

Just before Covid, he went to see a gastroenterologist and he was diagnosed with gastritis. He’d gradually upped his smoking from half a pack to one pack and when Covid hit he started doing close to two packs a day because of this problem but also the general uncertainty of work. He’d stay outside after dinner, after the children had been tucked in, and he’d leave her already in bed, on her phone, and go outside in the parking lot and smoke for an hour watching the neighbours lights go off one by one until a very still silence descended on the street. His worry had risen gradually over time, gnawing at him slowly from the inside. He was barely able to finish his food; feeling bloated and pained in the abdomen. “It’s probably amoeba,” his wife would say because she, a non-doctor, greatly believed in diagnosing people by just listening to them, then self-medicating them. She is yet to kill someone, but that day is surely coming.

On those nights when he smoked one cigarette after another in the lonesome parking lot, he’d rehearse the conversation over and over in his head, often catastrophizing the scenarios. In one scenario he’d picture her seated on the bed, holding her head in stony silence. In others, she’d be throwing something at him, something heavy with a hit-seeking trajectory, aimed at his face, this face that had betrayed her. In others she’d be hurling out her suitcases from the top drawer, screaming, throwing clothes in those suitcases, his youngest holding his tablet, standing bewildered at the door of the bedroom, close to tears, asking, “Mommy why are you crying?” In others they’d be seated in a kangaroo court in her parents’ living room, a tense and greatly embarrassing occasion with her kith and kin and his kith and kin, afraid to look up into the eyes of his in-laws. In the more gruesome and painful scenarios, she’s just be seated on the bed with hunched shoulders in a curved posture discouraged by orthopedic specialists, chuckling to herself, shaking her head and repeating his name, saying, ‘Felix Felix Felix…Oh, Felix, what a fool you have turned me into.”

“How did you meet?” I asked him to interrupt his solemn reverie.

They met in the rain. Believe it or not. “You watch movies of lovers meeting in the rain, I actually did meet her in the rain,” he said, “maybe that was the first sign.” It was after working hours and he had remained in the office to finish some paperwork as he waited for the rain and traffic to abate. When he walked out of the elevator she was standing at the entrance of the building as the torrential rain came down in thick long drops the size of lipstick. She worked on the fifth floor, he worked on the sixth. He’d seen her around, as she had him, as she later confessed, and a few times he had actually nodded at her when they found themselves waiting for the elevator. She had a small oval face and dark eyes the colour of very dark chocolate. A girl of modest height – she preferred high heels that elevated her height and ass.

He had offered to shelter her under his umbrella while they walked to her car parked at the farthest end of the parking, close to a large tree that never bore any fruit.  As they walked to the car, their bodies occasionally bumped into each other under that umbrella. He could smell her. Over the years she always recalled that scent, a sweet illicit scent. As the rain drummed on the umbrella they had stood there briefly by her car and she had thanked him coyly as he stared into the depths of her chocolate eyes, knowing without knowing that he would pursue her.

Two days later he stood at their reception and asked her out on a date. Two weeks later, he was taking a shower in her bathroom, looking at the line of her frilly knickers hanging on a very thin improvised line. A year later, through sheer carelessness, callousness, great miscalculation of dates and cycles and great weakness and foolishness of the flesh, she told him that she was pregnant. “Fuck,” he had blurted out, “my wife is going to kill me.”

She was – still is – a solid Catholic girl so she said, “I can’t abort this baby but if you want no part of it I will not fault you, neither will I make you take care of it if you don’t want to.” They had been talking about their options for a month and they couldn’t agree on the next course of action. He wanted termination, she couldn’t live with the idea of it, she said. “This is your chance for a clean break,” she told him that evening as he wore his shoes by the door, “you can go and never come back. I will raise this child alone. But if you go, this door will never be opened to you again.”

He said he was sorry and he left. He removed the same shoes at a different door, his door, a house where his wife and young family lived. He tossed his three-year-old son up to the ceiling as he squealed and looked at homework for the other two. He became a selective father – the type who turns his back on his other child. And it ate at him. “My conscience wouldn’t let me thrive, man,” he said. “I’d think about what would become of my other child when he was born, without a father, while I raised his half-siblings selfishly, giving them a different life but also an opportunity to enjoy me. That shit ate through me day and night.” Eventually, he went back and knocked on her door and said, “fine, I want to be around.”

“Are you sure?” She asked.

“I am.” He said.

“You are not here because you are feeling sorry for me.”

“No…well, I am feeling sorry for you, but it’s also the right thing to do.”

“I don’t want you to do the right thing,” she had said, “I want you to do what you want in your hearts of hearts, to do.”

“It’s in my heart.”

And just like that, he became a secret father.

“I prayed that the baby would not be born in the middle of the night,” he laughs, “you know those babies who decide to come at 2am?”

“Yeah, most of them have names like Paul or John,” I said.

“Ha-ha, yeah, I mean where would I say I was at 2am?” He asked.

Thankfully the baby came at midday. A baby girl. He named her after his grandmother because she was feisty from the word go, ungovernable, single-minded, riotous, and obviously creative and passionate. He loved her like he did his kids from his marriage. “For years I’d leave work and spend hours with them, then go home at 8 or 9pm and spend time with my other children, or rather the ones who were still awake at that time.” He said. “It’s a great juggle. You are constantly juggling lies and juggling a different child on the side.”

“So is that like having two wives?” I asked.

“No, not really,” he then pauses, “It’s not quite…it’s complicated because we agreed that I would still be the father of my daughter even if we separated.”

They separated when the baby was two years old. They would fight about him not giving enough of his time to his daughter, to them. “I got tired of that shit, man” so he broke it off and for a year they never communicated and he didn’t see his daughter. One day he got a call from her that his daughter was hospitalised; pneumonia. He rushed to the hospital and stayed there daily until she recovered. They then agreed that they’d co-parent. Now the daughter is three years old and next year she will have to get into pre-school.

“I’m exhausted, you guy. This Covid period has exhausted my lie arsenal,” he says. “If I told you the kind of Houdini moves I have had to pull over this Covid period in order to go see my daughter, you would be amazed. I’m always lying or stealing time.”

He has killed people in order to see his daughter. Not literally, but like the uncles to his close friends or their close relatives. He has left the house to go fix fictitious tyres, to go to the garage, to make quick runs to the supermarket that ends up at the doorway of where his daughter lives. “I’ve lied so much this year, I feel like it has changed me as a person. Lying changes you, because you really start believing the lies you present. You start becoming those lies. One day not long ago, my daughter wanted to ride with me in my car. She wanted me to take her for a ride but I had said I was only going for a quick barber dash which takes an hour, unless you are dyeing your hair blonde and piercing your nose. Anyway, I had already been out for over two hours and I had to rush home because it was also getting late and I didn’t want to arouse any suspicion. So I said no, I told my daughter next time and I went home and that shit stayed with me that night and the next day, man. I wondered what kind of life I was living where I’d deny my own daughter a ride. Where she came second, through no fault of her own, but because of my own choices. It didn’t sit well with me.” He made the decision that he would come clean. He would tell his wife about this other child. “Because anyway, it will come out sooner or later, I figured. One day someone will see us together, in a mall or supermarket or whatever. My wife’s pals or my relatives. It’s coming. Also, I thought that perhaps she would be less lenient if she discovered a 12-year-old lie rather than a 4-year-old life. I would look like a complete demon.”

“You already do,” I said jokingly.

“Ha. But I’ve not had the balls to do it.” He says. “There never seems to be the right time to do it. It’s scary as hell. I know it will possibly break this family, I know she will never look at me the same way again and I’m stalling so that I can enjoy this moment where she still thinks highly of me before she discovers what a scumbag I am. Because after this shit comes out, man, all bets are off.”

How this story came about is that this gentleman emailed and said, “Biko, I’d like to know how to tell my wife that I have another child before this child becomes too old to hide. But I want to ask women how to go about it. Set a thief to catch a thief kind of thing…or something around that analogy.”

Or in other words, he wants to know from the female readers what he should say. What are some of the buzzwords? What shouldn’t he say? What facial expression should he wear? Where should he break this news; in the bedroom, in a restaurant? If there is a small chance of reconciliation, what should he do and not do? And if there are any guys out there who have walked this plank, any insights other than keep away all sharp objects in the house?

 

***

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232 Comments
  1. No telling how things will change sir, but justice precedes mercy, not the other way round. Come clean, both with her and her immediate family, and chin up. Weather whatever comes your way.

    God is both just and merciful.

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  2. This is quite interesting.. I am here for the comments.
    I don’t know if there is any formulae with this one, in all honesty. You can prepare yourself for over a year and still, when you tell her, the reaction is what you had thought wouldn’t be the reaction.

    But I heard women do not leave because you cheated, or have a child.

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      1. Mike, unfortunately I am not married yet, so I do not have a perspective…that is why i said ‘I heard’.
        But keep it locked, if it does happen and I pray it doesn’t, I will come and tell.

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  3. He should start by apologizing for having done something stupid…that way, even when the wife is angry, at least she heard his apology.
    Eventually, things will settle and he can have all his children enjoy his presence without any guilt or hidden lies.
    Seek divine guidance

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  4. Just tell her sooner other than later. She will be mad for days, weeks even. It will be used against you in every argument from now on, but it’s the right thing to do. She deserves to know.

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  5. I honestly don’t think there’s a “nice” way of breaking such news. You may lace the words with tears on angel, sacrifice a black cat with one green eye and one blue eye and sprinkle a little rainbow but it’ll still go to the shits.

    I admire that he wants to come out and stuff, that’s noble. But I dunno man…I dunno.

    All the best. Lord knows you’ll need it.

    Anyway, I’m waiting for season two of this story. “How It All Went Down”

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  6. The child will bot be the issue……..trust me….you need to be firm as to where is the actual position of emotions with the other woman…….

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  7. My mother loved to tell the story about when she was pregnant with me, in the hospital, and gruelingly nauseous and about to throw up. For some reason, there was no waste paper basket, and so my father cupped his hands together, aiming to catch whatever cookies she was tossing. The conclusion of the story always went something like this; she smiled, eyes twinkling, and said, “He was going to catch my throw up in his hands. That’s true love right there.”

    Marriage — the kind of love and partnership that lasts for decades—is about a million tiny things and a million little ones all at once. The perfection, and the bliss, and the happily ever after, comes from loving the imperfections of your beloved. And loving the imperfections of the perfect human for you comes in a million and one different situations.
    Perhaps it comes from when your wife or husband sees you with your blemishes, and threadbare sweatpants, and unwashed hair — and it doesn’t question you as to whether not it’s time to break out the shampoo.

    Perhaps it comes from urging your beloved to go to doctor’s appointments, even if that’s the last thing in the world that they want to do. But because they know that you’re a mirror for good, because they know that when they look at your face, they will see a soul who wants nothing but the best for them, they go to the doctor or the dentist, however begrudgingly, for they know that you’re right.

    Perhaps it comes from the honesty that flows between the two of you, the moments when the other has the courage to say the thing that the other one doesn’t want to hear.

    Or perhaps it’s something different entirely.
    But whatever it is — the kind of love that sticks and lasts is made from the moments of the messy.
    The moments when you see the less than perfect parts of your beloved — and want to catch their throw up, anyway.

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  8. This is tough mehn….but do what you gotta do the truth will out sooner or later and the sooner you tell her the better. Now is as bad a time as any. Good luck!

    6
  9. Nice read Biko, and as young as I come here, this is a difficult situation to go by now that it’s been a 4 year’s lie. I have not walked this plank and will be here to read comments from those that has experienced it

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  10. As a goat wife, :), if le husband had a kid that’s not mine, these are the questions I’d ask.

    1. Do you love her? (The mother, not the kid)
    2. Do you want to leave us and be with her?
    3. Are you still sleeping with her? (DEAL BREAKER)
    4. What made you do it?
    5. Give me time to think (May also be time to plan his slowest and most painful death)

    I’ll also most likely take the setting with my kith and kin and his kith and kin to show how serious this is. But I’d stay if he wants to stay.
    Also, she probably knows something is off, come clean already. It will be ugly, and messy and things (and hearts) will break. You’ll not find enough words to explain the last four years and everything you say will be wrong. But you may survive it if you come clean now than when she’s 12.

    Good luck (Not really, I’m representing goat wives, remember? )

    http://www.himizascribes.com

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    1. Start it like this: Give her this story to read. When she’s done, have a conversation about it. Let her weigh in on ‘the situation.’ When she’s done, do like David and Prophet Nathan, only this time you’ll say, “I am that man!” Then wear a helmet because, man, it’ll start raining rocks.

      All the best. I mean it this time. 🙂 (www.himizascribes.com)

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  11. Ah! A complex story today! So are we all at liberty to play Dr. Love with a dash of Marriage Counsellor in the comments today?

    My small-small advice is that lying, at least in the magnitude that he is doing it, is just self-abdication. The lie will eat him up from the inside slowly but surely. And, the scary part is that it may never get easier; it may not be like the sort of pain that overwhelms at first and then fades into the abyss in time.

    Now that he is almost running out of lies, it would be easier for him to tell the truth. If not for truth’s sake, then for his freedom. What good is a life where one is not a master of their own path?

    Good read as always.

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  12. There’s no better way of delivering such sensitive information. Say it as it is. The wife will break loose and he will have to stay put. Be very very apologetic about it and let her know it was never intentional.(Although him being in an affair was). Answer all her damn questions. She will feel played. Made a fool of but answer all questions with total honesty.
    He will definitely loose her respect or some of it. She will never again look at him the same way. If she wants to leave, let her go and if he wants the family again, give her time, woo her again and she might, and I said might, but don’t expect anything to ever be the same because trust will already be outside that home. You will work forever to restore it. You will say you’re going to the toilet and she will follow to make sure. She will carry the wound for the rest of her life while you feel lighter the burden of a secret has been offloaded.

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    1. Yep, it’s never the same.
      You follow then eventually you don’t care to know where he goes, now you know he’s fair game out there. You’re cynical about everything, you’re now in it for the kids.
      You never say a word simply crossing off each day as it ends waiting for the Lord.

      11
  13. This one is a tough nut to crack but if I were the wife I’d appreciate the truth.we are human,we slip n fall from glory from time to time.tell her,and if he is as good a husband as he is a father I’d bet he will be forgiven and raise his kids without having to worry about being caught later.all the best man.

    7
  14. Juggling through myriads of lies to get right lie for the day to enable you catch up and spend time with your daughter is a task only the brave dares. After this covid, or rather as the “Curve flattens”
    You will ve an apportunity to come up with a ‘book of lies’

  15. The dilemmas men find ourselves in! What touched me most is the way this guy’s conscience is gnawed when her daughter asks to ride in his car and he refuses. That can break a man’s heart.

    That said, these things have no templates. There’s no telling what will give after the disclosure. Man, follow your heart.

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  16. My heart is broken for his wife and for the illegitimate child. Come clean, there’s no way around it, may God be merciful to you.

    6
  17. Yooo Biko, you are back! I missed you. Me too, I am waiting for the next episode of “how it all went down”. He should tell her. The sooner the better. Like Alvin said: ” Justice precedes mercy, not the other way round.”

    5
  18. Come clean Now ,doesn’t matter the setting,
    Hurt is hurt.Maybe just maybe your wife will forgive you after a year or true but for now it’s the dog house.
    Fingers crossed for your daughter not you,your are a cheater.

    6
  19. We lie in wait….and keep refreshing to read the advice.
    Maybe use the methods used by uncles and aunts to announce someone important in the family is no more

    Maybe you are overthinking it.

    Maybe you already know what to do

    6
  20. Yuck, this dude sounds like he’s seeking sympathy.

    P.s. Wear your big boy pants and tell her you coward. Since you chose to make this bed,lie on it.

    31
  21. This is my current story.
    My last born is about 9 months old and her baby turns a year this month..My heart is bleeding with every beat..This betrayal hits you different.
    Cheating is bad..At least one can forgive and it time push it to the furthest corner of your mind. One never really forgets..When a child is involved. It’s a different story. It can’t fit in that corner at the back..
    So I have left.Whether for now or for ever, it’s only God who knows..

    Yours truly broken.

    39
    1. Is in’it mind boggling how you refer “my last born” and “her baby” yet you splashed some jizzzz in each vagina…..just thinking

      5
  22. Depends with the wife’s character.but just start with apologies and reaffirming her that it’s not her fault that you did what you did. Most ladies will start blaming themselves and then blame you and then hate you or themselves and go all out…
    Talk to her in the house where she can go cry out in the bedroom or bathroom or be distructed by the kids..but you seem like a nice guy talk it out.
    There is nothing new under the sun, you will get through it.

    14
  23. There is no good time or good way to say it. Just explain it as you. She will be mad but will be better getting it from you than a third party. Eventually you will be forgiven but just don’t bash her reactions she will be hurt…..so give her time to heal.

    3
  24. Women are smart. I bet she has a whiff of what’s been going on. I know of someone close whose predicament is similar and the wife knows but has completely refused to meet the other woman or discuss the issue. It hurts and tears the very fabric of the family. My two cents will be drawn from the well of banking analogy- depending on your deposits and especially the long term fixed ones, this is the time to make a withdrawal.

    23
    1. From the way he talks about his wife…with some level of disdain…I am doubtful he has made any deposits….there is nothing to withdraw…..it’s as dry AF

      2
  25. Be honest with her,he cannot control how she reacts whether she will forgive him or end their marriage. But he will free himself and live a more fulfilling life.
    Good luck

    4
  26. It all depends with your wife what kind of person she is or how well or bad she handles shocking information so you have to break it to her slowly. If she handles issues badly try and mention one of your closest friends has a secret child outside their marriage and see how she will handle the information and that may give you heads up on how you will go about it. If your wife has been bragging to her friends what a wonderful husband you are especially that you are faithful and cannot cheat you need prayers to break such news to her. Bottom line however way you want to break the information she will be hurt deeply.

    18
  27. First of all, let him know that dying he will after breaking the news!! Okay, not literally, but as the faithful and great husband he’s always been to her.
    Be that as it may, let him wear a face full of remorse and say just whatever comes into his mouth, that will save him a lot of rehearsal stress.
    For the love of his soul let him do it in a locked bedroom, with no sharp objects. That way he’s assured of safety, at least for the night when his woman is comprehending the news.
    Disclaimer: He shouldn’t say the baby was a mistake!!! It’ll make him look stupid. We all know how babies are made.
    All the same, good luck with his plan of coming clean! It’s a brave one.

    7
  28. I say he should come clean because he doesn’t know about tomorrow. What will happen if he dies tomorrow?? Or if the girl grows to resent him?? Or if she meets another man who will treat her the way her father did not treat her??

    1
  29. Nice read! From a woman’s perspective, I would be shattered to receive such news. It won’t be easy and probably every little argument will be based on this. But then again you telling her is way better than her hearing it from someone else. You can never predict anyone’s reaction to such news especially in marriage but you’ve got do better or your best after telling her as a man, father, and husband. Good luck and lots of courage. You are doing well-taking care of that little girl.

    7
  30. This is tough.. She probably already knows something is off. But come clean. Be somewhere where she can be herself and not be afraid of causing a scene.. Somewhere where she can scream at you, cry, hurl insults and probably hit you… A place she can be left alone for a while if she needs to.

    The pain will probably last for a long while… be kind,be gentle, be loving. if she agrees to stay, reassure her and woe her again, make her sure of her place in your life.. because alot will have changed in her heart.

    A woman can weather alot when loved right.
    Good luck.

    18
    1. I thought so too, I think he needs to have some safe space for both to go over this without exposing the kids to whatever may come next, maybe have the kids visit your parents or something so that they will not be there when you break the news.
      Another thing you could consider is you request the presence of someone she respects, listens to, then talk to that person first come clean, she/he could also advise you better on how you could break this news to her and ensure is present or closeby so they could act as a mediator after breaking the news and she has had her moment to process things.
      But all in all, I think it is commendable that you are thinking of coming out sooner, wishing you all the best, we shall say a prayer for you.

      6
  31. The longer the lie stays,it becomes more messy,stinky and complicated,tell it out and deal with the outcome…….if only you said it earlier it would not be as messy as it is now.

  32. When I read, “My wife is going to kill me.” I went “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!…” I couldn’t stop saying Fuck! Haha. That it is his mpango that he met in the rain caught me completely off-guard.

    14
  33. What will bug me in all of this is that if you are capable of hiding a whole human your flesh and blood you are capable of hiding me someone connected by marriage in a body bag for life…

    Anyway, if i was looking for reasons to leave your ass I would jump on this and no Kanagroo court will make me stay…

    Before you break it to her also ask yourself this will you be getting her a co- wife or the child just comes alone… if she leaves you do you have a plan of how you will co-parent three kids… does the other woman want you or are you operating in the assumption that you are the best thing that has ever happened to her..

    Also the truth is much easier than the lies we use to cover it

    7
  34. There’s no better way to do it. Just do it. Randomly. Today maybe. You will never be ready.
    Sad part is, she could be suspecting something already. All the lies you’ve used during covid are things we know even before they are told. Going to the barber shop. Car wash. Garage. All of them are things we know.
    My only advice, when you come clean, dont leave any detail out. None! Say it all. She will ask some hurtful stuff like how was the time with her, who is better in bed and all that, and her them all.
    Take the bullet and bite it hard.
    If you leave any detail out, she will find out coz she is about to do her own digging up.
    If she finds out something you left, things may never be the same and if they do, it will take forever.
    All the best.

    14
  35. You will be surprised that she already knows something is off and is waiting for you to come clean. You cant live a lie for over 4 years without a woman sensing it, trust me , she has an idea she just probably doesn’t know the full detail. Set yourself free by saying the truth and deal with the consequences as they come.

    9
  36. Now this; you need lessons from our Grandies… Still wonder what magic they used to bring about a second and a third Lady and introduce her to the first wife…..”Huyu ni Bibi Mwingine”..

    As we read through our ladies advice….Firstly…Apologize for what you about to say and make sure you Blame the Devil…”The Devil is a liar should constantly be repeated”

    If her Mood isn’t that baaaaaaaad after going in circles to shoot what you apologizing for….”Hit her with the great news”

    Then Go Mum and keenly wait for the outcome. Remember Secret Lies in not talking Much. And giving one liner answers.

    3
  37. The sooner the better. It might be bad and ugly. Don’t try to justify yourself. Give her time to digest after without necessarily expecting a final decision. Yes, your life will change..

  38. Mh, where do I begin with this.
    First scenario, let me be the guy. I would first pray for forgiveness, from God then from me. because its when you are at peace with yourself that you are okay with any outcome. Then I would choose a good time, when she’s in the best mood, probably after 10 p.m. and at home that’s when our vulnerable sides come out and we think clearly and reflect. That is also the time we don’t call our kith and kin, lest they think we are being murdered, so the issue will most likely end in long conversations into the night or wee hours of the morning, between me and my wife ONLY. Then, just do it, thinking about it, preparations and shit can’t help since, whether you open a can of worms today or after a year, worms are still going to be the ones that come out, dead or alive.
    Now, let me be the wife.
    I want to hear your apologies from here to Timbuktu (where the hell is Timbuktu), I want to see the sincerity in your words and in your actions, and see it in your face. Then, I want to hear the whole truth and nothing but the truth about your betrayal and how I played a part in it, or I didn’t, and you took me for a fool. Then, I want to know whether its because you want to leave us or you want to reconcile with your bad manners. (Insist you don’t love her and you are only there for the child). I will cry, i will be sad, and I may never talk to you for weeks and even months, so get your act together and pray for me. Then, after a few months, I want to meet the child, not the mother (I would hate to know her from somewhere). I want my step daughter to know her step brothers and sisters, I would hate for them to marry each other, God forbid we die and they would not know they are related. Place and time to tell me all this shit, our home and NOW!

    74
      1. I try to balance my emotions with logic. Why on earth would I let my son marry their sister, while it could have been avoided! For me, that’s a curse I would not wish even to my worst enemy, wacha kitumbua kiingie mchanga tujue kama tutapika kingine ama tutakula na hiyo mchanga! But in the end, the adult sins/mistakes/stupidity should NEVER be a child’s burden!

        3
  39. First of all the fact that you brought it here might just make it worse if she is those private people…lol just saying !

    There is no right or wrong way to do it !You know your spouse better than we do ..what works for me will not work for you !

    If I were you I would say !

    Babe 4 years ago I made a mistake and that mistake resulted in to a living being that I have tried to ignore it’s existence but I can’t !I will understand if you get upset but I really hope you can help me figure this out together !

    8
  40. The only thing that will save a brother and he retains his dignity as a man is when he tells her about the child before she finds out, she maybe mad, but she will forgive you..
    If she finds out before you tell her, your ass is cooked..
    Do it even before she starts hearing rumour

    2
  41. He qualifies that he would appreciate input from the ladies, so there, out of the picture. I’d think he’s looking to the wrong side of the fence, he would do well to ask men who found themselves at such a place. As for me, from personal experience, the defense card is the best. Let the wife discover, deny or play offensive thereafter, as the situation demands.

    3
  42. I’ve lived by this policy lately: “What’s the worst that can happen?” And it has helped me fear face a great deal. I’ve landed a position I was least qualified for, walked out of a relationship that was almost at a wedding stage because it did not feel right. And it was only after I fear faced that I kept wondering what it was that was really holding me back..You realise it’s NOTHING and you’ve been burdening yourself with ‘what ifs’. Take that step…how is upto you there’s not really a formula to facing one’s fear except courage. All the best.

    11
  43. First of all You need to stop being chicken and take full responsibility for your actions.

    My Pal invited her(his wives) closest friend and his closest friend. He had already confessed to his friend and so he was just there as a buffer.

    They went to a restaurant (one of those garden ones where people sit miles apart) and he started by saying that what he was about to share was not easy, it was not good… Anyway eventually he just ripped off the band aid and the wife threw a serious fit and the friend just whisked her out of there.

    His friend drove him home and she had a complete melt down did and said many things to him. -I mean she was hurting – and the beauty is he took it because he deserved all the words and the actions and after she had cooled off after a few weeks he went into full mode to win her back… He fought for her.

    I think men tend to take a back seat when you wrong a woman and take it personally when she reacts to your stupid actions. So, Let her process, but even as she is processing; if you really want to win her back work towards winning her back. Take the heat because you deserve it. Take it!!

    It will take time to win her back but, you need to know that you cannot be selfish with this because you are not the aggrieved party you did and have been doing wrong and that has consequences so just face it head on.

    38
  44. Naah brother. We have no idea what how to go about it. But we are pretty sure know that there’ll be a ruckus. She’ll raise hell. Be sure of that.

    3
  45. Every passing day ushers in a new day closer to the day she finds out on her own, it definitely will be brutal. Come clean buddy asap. It’s like taking those bitter pills or herbs, you will be fine eventually at a cost though.

    3
  46. You have poked the bear, the kangaroo, the whole zoo. What next?
    Take care of your daughter, that will make you a responsible man. The trust will go for sure, work your way to regaining some. If she forgives you count yourself very lucky.

    36
  47. You will continue to live a lie even after you tell her because unless she is a GOAT wife, she will most likely hate your daughter as well and want you to do nothing with her except provide for her upkeep but you will still want to see your daughter so the cycle will continue. Out of frustration, you will most likely seek comfort from the mpango and you will be back to square 1. My take, hide it from her, continue to live your lie and suffer those consequences. You deserve it anyways! Your reasons for telling her (to save self from the guilty) are pretty selfish if you ask me. However, if you still feel the need to tell her, do it in front of a family counselor so they help both of you deal with the issues

    9
  48. My two cents is just say it, in this case honesty is indeed the best but be prepared for the unexpected, she probably can sense something is off, we notice a two hour shave…. It will get worse before it gets better, things will change so be ready. Don’t plan on how they’ll change or what to do its all unpredictable from now on. You messed up men so apologise and take what comes but a 4 Yr lie is better than a 20 Yr lie, eventually like corona a new normal will come one which you can all live with. Best of luck.

    1
  49. He should cleverly share the link to this story with the wife and ask what she thinks the man should do. He will probably get the clearest idea on how to go about it. As I always say, your life is your burden be ready to carry your burdens with pride and dignity however heavier they might be. Carry them in your worst the same way you will carry them in your best.

    4
  50. Guy…. you have messed. There is no Best way to tell your wife such news, shit will happen, brace yourself.

    Let me speak for myself………
    I am a married woman, if this was my husband [ i really hope its not him ].
    I wld really get mad, i will…. [Gosh i dunno].
    But in the long run i will appreciate hearing the heartbreaking news from him, i will forgive him for choosing to tell me the ugly truth.

    I always tell my husband to always tell me the truth regardless of how bitter it is….
    we can always work out a bitter truth but can never do the same to a lie discovered thru a 3rd party or a P.I.

    Dear men, did you know that women are smarter? Has it crossed your mind that most likely your wife already unearthed your lie and she is just keeping cool watching you, waiting to see how far you will carry the burden.

    I do that all the time, psssst… abt minor issues though.

    27
  51. Just do it, when your kids are away from home so they do not have to observe the fall out. But do it – your 4 yr old deserves to enjoy her siblings and be acknowledged publicly. There isn’t a good time and it only gets worse each day that goes by that you have not confessed. So just do it. Today, now, this moment!

    1
  52. Am I the only one who thinks doing it at home and in your bedroom is a terrible idea?? Thats her sanctuary. Needs to stay that way.
    She knows something is up. It won’t lessen the blow. For your sake, I hope she chooses to stay. I know I wouldn’t.

    2
    1. Yeah, It should best be done outside the house, in a restaurant she doesn’t particularly like, coz she’ll probably never walk in there again after that conversation.
      If it happens in her house, worse still her bedroom, every time she goes into the room she’ll remember where he was and everytime she walks into the room, she’ll have to remember that day. It will always carry such heaviness.
      It will eat into 0her every single time she’s in the room.

      1
  53. There is no right way to tell your wife that you cheated on her and got a child in the process. You are doomed if you do, doomed if you don’t. I however am of the opinion that you should tell your wife and ride the storm. It will calm down eventually.I especially think you should tell your wife because of your daughter. You do not want her to grow up and realize she is a secret, that her siblings are more equal than her, that they are recognized by family and friends and no one that matters to you knows who she is. That realization does more harm to a young lady than you will ever know because they will always think it is something about them that put them in the position of being a secret and not your choices as a husband and father.

    21
  54. lol…..
    I love your comment…
    I bet this exactly what this guy needed coz at this rate his brain has blocked, coming up with the right words must be a challenge, he most likely will copy paste your words. hahahaha.

    1
  55. The existence of the child is secondary. Primary issue is the state of the marriage and family post receiving the news. I don’t want to alarm you but you are about to change the trajectory of your entire family and change it irrevocably. The crack will always be there hanging above all of you for the rest of your lives. It will be a sign of the fault in you as in all humans. I would tell you to prepare for this. Before you start this discussion, try and have your best moments as a family and as her husband. These good memories may just be what she can hold on to after you tear her world down. Be attentive now, tap into her emotional needs. She will need this connection when she is at her lowest. Be her best friend again before you say anything and just maybe, she will overlook your flaw and forgive you. The same applies to the children, invest in your relationship with them so that you have a strong foundation to weather this storm. And lastly, learn from this. It’s your only hope for a better future.

    19
    1. This is a difficult one – but there is nothing new under the sun, nothing that you are discovering now. Avoid having this discussion at home. Muhimu ni – how are you relating with the mother of the girl. If it looks like a continuing affair you will be in lotsa trouble- if nothing is going on, on that front, you can go out for lunch and share this solemn news after apologizing profusely for straying and blaming yourself and the devil for this. But you better be certain that the relationship with Mama Abby is over – it is the child that matters here.
      If you are in good graces with her close friend/ sister – engage her too – because this is the first call this “your wife” will make…
      We more often than not, will forgive, after soul searching -so be ready for time out – quiet time – as we soul search …
      Then, you better be on your best behavior going forward – otherwise, a visit to the barber will always elicit …” Mmmhhh unaenda kinyozi au kwa Mama Abby. ”
      Oh, and more – if she is not too young shhhhhh … she will appreciate that this burgher did it and has come clean – some saving grace and ask herself ” how many say nothing till their dying day ….” if younger … there are consequences as she may leave in haste… but may come back … after we tell her ” wote wako “hivo” hata afadhali huyu wako anakwambia… ”
      All in all best of luck – it is actually easier to deal with this now – than someone thinking “umekuwa ukimbeba wana for 12 years …. ” And the little Abby deserves her father — that should give you courage too, as you zero graze or condomize next time .

      8
  56. What really hurts more? the actual act of sleeping with someone else, or rather the feeling of betrayal from the loved ones??? Or is it the self doubts that come from the whole experience? Or is it the grave risk that the partner has been exposed to as a result of the carelessness???
    May be we need to demystify sex!

    2
  57. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!

    He is right, she will never look at him the same ever again. a woman`s mind doesn’t let you forget such, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you make it up her. I certainly did not want to know. I classified it as unnecessary information.
    He only wants to tell her because he is tired of lying. So he wants to clear his conscience at his wife`s expense. Disturbing her peace of mind. He will be free. He can meet his daughter anytime. its his daughter, fine. But she is his wife and thats his family. If only guys knew what stuff like this does to their wives …… My advise, don’t tell her. Men have kept greater secrets.

    But then again, he has done much worse “sheer carelessness, callousness, great miscalculation of dates and cycles and great weakness and foolishness of the flesh.” and selfishness.

    7
  58. Biko, did i email you my story without me knowing?
    Because this sounds like me. I’m in exactly the same shit. Difference is, am still seing the mother of my other daughter. And because of reasons i cannot explain here, i dont want to stop seeing her. And of late, she has started to ask for more time with me, for her and her daughter. She even suggested i should make my wife know about us. Man, i don’t know, its crazy situation to be in.

    9
    1. The ball is your court. You have kids involved it is complicated and it wount get easier. They will have school events that you’ll need to attend and maybe in there you will meet peopel who know your wife. So control the narrative and say the truth.

      1
    2. Lets just put all other consequences aside…that is if you decided to come clean

      Out of curiosity, I would like to know, would you still feel the same about the second relationship? Or with the thrill gone, you know the adrenaline that comes with the fear of being caught, that feeling that you have a secret that no one knows ..with all that gone…would you feel the same about the second woman now that it just as the same relationship you have with the 1st woman?

      1
  59. Trust me, keep on lying until you’re busted; you’ll cross that bridge when it happens despite the dire consequences. The unknown is not nearly as terrifying as the known.

    1
  60. Do this,

    Tell her when her mood is calm and start by asking a question,what does she think if she one day discovers that you have another child?
    ask the children too
    Her reaction will speak volumes,depending on how you know her.
    Now break the news actually you have a kid and admit you’re wrong before defending yourself and the problem is not the child it is solely you.
    Any question she asks respond with the truth and nothing but the truth,u see the details u gave us here about how u met? say it the way it is and be ready to receive a rejection for a few months but if the love is there she will forgive you one day but she will never forget,that is guaranteed.

    5
  61. Well…is this as complex as it sounds?
    (with these men you never know if you are the wife or the other woman, so I will go with first woman)
    If I was the first woman, I would first be relieved that he is doing the right thing and that he didn’t abandon the kid, I would be consoled to know I don’t live with a monster
    As the 1st woman I would also want him to break the news in the most mature way possible, no drama, no stories and riddles. And since I would want to know whom the other woman was… I would prefer a meeting with the three of us
    As the 1st woman … all the trust I had for this son of a woman would cease to exist, and I would probably just start planning my life around me and the kids and he would have to live with it, otherwise everything else would remain the same … I would also have no problem with the kids knowing their half sibling , I would love for them to grow knowing there is no such thing as a perfect life/person and that it is what it is (I once saw the grand daughter of somebody take to the internet to defend their “fore father” as he was being accused of allegedly having a kid outside the family)… I wouldn’t want my the kids to grow so much out of touch with life’s reality

    Also, I would ask that he set his finances and will in order

    2
  62. Plot Twist: After he confesses , she takes in a sigh of relief…and confess that some of his kids are not his biologically and that guilt was killing her and that now he has come out clean, it has helped her to come out too

    After all, The law of attraction states that “like attracts like.”

    23
  63. With no experience I will still give my two cents! Give yourself a timeline, say by 31st dec you will have told her then when you feel it appropriate and you feel ready take it up and tell her. No day, mood or event will prepare both of you for what happens after but we all know you will be relived there after.

    Additionally you can introduce the daughter to your other kids, create a play date so she can come over once the kids are in each other’s lives then the sorting will be the two of you!

    At the end of it all, give her time to react( the time is not defined) take it slow for both you and her. May God give you grace and courage through this.

  64. I don’t think it matters how its said. Whichever way it is said will have the same results from my perspective because I’ll be thinking of the issue and not how the message was passed. The sooner the better.

  65. As a wife I would wish to learn about this at the earliest opportunity(am not married yet) I would get mad and cold probably depending on our relationship, however I would not want to be the barrier of a child missing on their dad so I would swallow my pride and welcome the baby girl. We can fight all we want but the truth stands.

  66. Definitely not before her coffee.

    ”(Insert Wife’s first name), I have a 4 year old daughter outside our marriage. Her name is ….. and her Mother’s name is…… I didn’t just find out, I have known since day one and have been an active father to her. Brief and precise.

    Not necessary to permanently ruin any birthdays or important anniversaries, so not on any such days. If she works, not a day when she has a career making presentation, exam or crucial pitch to make. We already know you are a heart breaking moron, don’t sabotage her career in the process.

    Muuuuuch later, (post healing the stab wounds your wife will give you), it will be essential to remember the goal is to give ALL your kids the most stable environment possible. That translates to you stopping the self pitying I am the victim crusade, and seriously consider the best way to ensure all of them grown up to be relatively well adjusted adults. Hopefully your wife will see past your two faced proclivities and remember this too.

    4
  67. My father told a 15 year old lie to my grandmother when he was just a bout to die. That lie is me, believe me ,it hurts to live without a father figure. Gather courage, tell the lie before it’s late and everything will be alright regardless of the reactions.

    4
  68. Tell him to sober up and spill the beans. Chances of him being crucified are 1001% anyway.

    But a good way to start is, ‘Wife, there is something that I have been meaning to tell you for a long long time…..”

    In the meantime, relax and be nice. Women do forgive.

    1
    1. copy paste the link of this story and send to her.Tell her to ready it while you there..Finally tell her that you be man.This should be away from the kids..Just two of you. Invest in a holiday.Go camping.Away where you can argue cry and reconcile.By the time you coming home you will know if your marriage is over or start all over again to relate to her.All the best.The girl deserve a good dad.

  69. There is no right way to do it. Her heart will be broken. Your marriage will take a hit. What matters now is what you do next, who you will be after this, that will determine if and when you both start to rebuild your marriage.

    1
  70. Don’t tell her.What will you gain in telling her?Let’s hope they find out by themselves.Or when you are long gone.Utaanzia wapi?

    1
  71. It is best when you are the one in control of the situation. Best if you tell her before she finds out because if she finds out you will have to do every single thing as she says.
    I had a child with with someone, his whole family knew and had met my child except the wife. His wife was told about my child and she dug everything including baptism cards and brought it to him and he couldn’t deny.
    Her best defence/revenge was to ask him to cut contact with his child and since he wasn’t in control of the narrative he had to do it to please her needless to say he did come later but once you betray your own blood I dont think you can recover from that.
    I dont think this is what you want for your daughter, be in control say what is happening. Tell her you were wrong and the plans you have to make sure the same is not repeated. Its not easy but you will have to take the bulk by its horns if you want to be in your daughter’s life.

    3
  72. Come clean about it. You can rescue your marriage and get to see your child.
    As a woman, I will very easily forgive before it is too long because like it or not, she will find out one day. We are women and we always find out.

    Great read

    1
  73. As a married woman, who has been cheated on and knows the pain of that betrayal, and still chose to stay, I would say this. The reassurance of change, and seeing it is what keeps me in this marriage. My first question on discovery was if the lady is pregnant and if there is such a possibility. I come from the school of thought that children come from God and if there was a product, I would expect my husband to be involved with the child. And I applaud Felix for being there. As for our relationship given that development, he’ll have to convince me that our relationship is what he wants and that he I willing to work and to be faithful. Does he love the other woman? If yes, then let’s divorce. Be with her. If not, then find a way to convince me that its over between you two. Then the question of why did you cheat and if its going to happen again. And what to do if it does happen again.(most likely split up).
    If this is his first offence, then you may have some respite. Talk to your wife. Take her out on some date probably out of town and tell her. Face the consequences as a man. She’ll never forgive you completely and only your good actions prior to your confession will save you. Otherwise if you’ve been a shitty husband, just know you’re as good as single.
    All the best. On a side note though.. I didn’t feel any remorse from him about the cheating..just that he doesn’t get to comfortably be with both families. He should understand his wrong doing before confessing coz I think he doesn’t think he did anything wrong.

    21
  74. 1. Betrayal is just that, trust has been injured. It may take days or years or never to repair.
    2. You know your wife’s emotional disposition and vengeful streak. If she’s the ‘off the hook blow up and calm down type’, you may let her know and give it time. If she’s the stew in the pot vengeful type, you are better off deaf. your chances of exit are high.
    3. Now that you have decided to do it, behave like government…you lay workers off, kesi baadaye. There is no easy way to do it, or break her heart. Pick one of those peaceful moments when kids are not home and do it. Then ready yourself for the consequences. Have answers to all her questions and insecurities.
    4. Pack a bag with your essentials put them in the car, have some hotel money just in case.

    All the best.

    8
  75. I haven’t been here, so I don’t have a template.
    But if it were me:
    – Let the mother to the other child know that you’re going to be telling your wife the truth, and be ready to protect her, cause this is no fault of hers.
    – Take the kids elsewhere, for a week or two. Let it just be you two in the house.
    – Break the news at home, and not in public. Where you can both be honest and expressive without worrying about what others think of you.
    – Find another place to stay, because you WILL be kicked out. Think long term, before things are resolved.
    – Think of being a co-parent not to just one, but two families, cause wifey may never take you back. Think of losing everything with her anyway, and deal with it. Don’t fight her.
    – Beyond everything, protect the kids. Not yourself.
    – Hide the sharp objects, cause you never know.
    Whichever way, come clean. Both women deserve your honesty, and so do the kids.

    6
    1. Agreeing with Noms and Angie… If I may add, speak to your mum Ang get her fasting for a month or something. You are going to be needing all of heaven’s help… Be 100% sure that you are No longer interested in your baby mama. If you have a relapse, you will have betrayed your wife twice. Make sure that she (your wife) understands that you love her and that it’s her you want to be with. She will pretend not to hear it. She will even be insulted by it. But she will hear it…

      After the drama has died down, do everything in your power to win her back. Send flowers every week, play a guitar outside her window, be a fool for her in all the ways she appreciates. Be ready to be ignored for a loong time. Gear up for the guilt trips… But if you want her badly enough, you will get her.

      3
  76. Where? As another reader mentioned- away from any knives and scissors, and where there’s no chance that’ll you be overheard by others as well as your children.

    When? when she’s calm not happy or sad but still and at ease. This ensures that she’ll listen to the whole story not jump to conclusions before you’ve finished your piece.

    How? with no embellishments. The truth sucks, but it has the benefit of being the truth. So man up and rip the band aid off. Stick to the important subject of your other daughter and your desire to integrate her with her half siblings. Skimp on the details of the other woman- don’t even mention her name if you can avoid it. This is for your own safety and her sanity. These are details that can be filled in later if, and only if, requested.

    Why? You will have to answer this whether you’re prepared for it or not. Women, contrary to popular belief, can be very logical. You will have to state precisely what got you into this situation, why you lied about about it, and the unasked question of the likelihood of it happening again. Don’t be an idiot have a clear answer ready, and do not in anyway imply that there were inadequacies in your marriage that led to your unfaithfulness and lovechild.

    Be prepared for the silent treatment for months. Be prepared that she will likely take your children and go to her parents home for awhile. Be prepared to grovel.

    7
  77. You know this is the thing I love about men. They think about themselves all the damn time. In fact you Mister are busy thinking about how you want to shield yourself from a ‘mistake’ that you chose to make. Yes, chose because you do not fall into a female private part make a baby and be present for the birth. At no point do I see you thinking about your child(ren)’s or your wife’s feelings.

    But since you asked for advice, here goes. First, be very aware that your wife KNOWS that something is off. She probably suspects or even has hard facts (we are in the 21st Century remember?) Second, be very clear on what you want from this big revelation, do you for example want to have a big happy family with all the women and children all together now? And you have to be 100% honest with her, which might be a strange thing since you have been lying consistently for years now.

    Lastly, be ready for the consequences. She might decide to divorce you, leave you or poison you slowly for the rest of your days. Do you for example have a place you can stay if she kicks you out of the house, as she should? Are you ready and willing to pay for your sins as long as she asks, if that is the condition for your reconciliation? You know your wife better very well so the when and wheres you have to decide. But do it sooner not later.

    8
  78. Chief, all these guys n gals are lying to you, ati sijui tell Atoti this way, Atoti that way …
    Wait for your funeral, the way many rich African men do – the truth will come out then.
    And it will be too late for your wife to KILL you!

    19
  79. a man gets tired, doing wrong and going unpunished. when nothing happens you start to wonder and it drains you…. let it out and give her time to digest the betrayal…

    2
  80. The truth shall set you free. No one can predict with certainty how the wife will react. Maybe she already knows or suspects something to be off. Just come clean and pray she finds it in her heart to forgive you, if you really want to be forgiven. Three years of lies is a long time. Do not make it 4!

  81. 1. Betrayal is just that, trust has been injured. It may take days or years or never to repair.
    2. You know your wife’s emotional disposition and vengeful streak. If she’s the ‘off the hook blow up and calm down type’, you may let her know and give it time. If she’s the stew in the pot vengeful type, you are better off mute
    your chances of exit are high.
    3. Now that you have decided to do it, behave like government…you lay workers off, kesi baadaye. There is no easy way to do it, or break her heart. Pick one of those peaceful moments when kids are not home and do it. Then ready yourself for the consequences. Have answers to all her questions and insecurities.
    4. Pack a bag with your essentials put them in the car, have some hotel money just in case.

    All the best.

    1
  82. I’m not a wife, but I’m a child from a messy marriage. It’s messed me up because I’m scared of marriage as s***, but my parents are still together. Now that they are growing old together, they are happier than ever. Their love is evident. But it wasn’t always. I know that my parents are not perfect. I have known it since I was way too young. I am only coming to terms with it right now. But I do know that I may have a couple of siblings out there. Okay I only know of one. And the other one that my mother said wrote a letter, which finally reached her. The others my cucu tore or used them to light fire to protect her son. Or retain a perfect picture of her family because I wouldn’t say she cares about his marriage or family. Or his happiness. But that’s not the point. My dada didn’t tell my mum about the one kid I know about. they had been cohabiting (Picture bibi wa ushago na wa town) and a child came by mistake. That’s how they all come. Only a few are planned, if any. The kid was maybe a month or two. They both left. The other woman and the kid. I have never heard of them again. I’m not sure my parents think I know or remember anything about it. I was probably between 6-8 years old and we were taken aside so that we wouldn’t witness the mess. But I never stopped loving my dad. I have forgiven all his infidelities because he never neglected me or my other siblings. He went out of his way to provide everything we wanted. He took us to family outings. Generally, he tried his best to make us happy. I’m not sure if he does the same for the other kid(s). But I don’t know them or their mothers. If you want the child to be in your life, you bring along the baggage of the other woman. A constant reminder that you cheated and an incessant worry that you might still be together intimately. I wouldn’t take that.
    Should you come clean? Yes.
    But I cannot say much about having your daughter in your life. You should probably make an arrangement of supporting them without having much contact until she is old enough to be with you in the absence of her mother.

    Your children will still love you if you keep up being the good father you are (and considering the mother won’t leave you and decide to punish you by keeping them away from you). That’s the only assurance I have for you.

    If she’s the one you’re meant to grow old with, you’ll find a way to sort things out after the tears. Hopefully there’ll be no blood. Good luck!

    7
  83. This is an absolute lack of a personality.Your main worry is the existence of a child from an illicit relationship and the tough realisation that no one has ever lived to be a successful liar but not your crooked moral yardstick.
    Don’t be bothered on how&when to relay your dark secret to your wife.Time will definitely do this on your behalf.And this is when all the respect she has had for you over years will breakdown into pieces never to come together again like a fall of a glass on a floor!
    Consider your marriage partially gone, you’ve got everything to lose.
    This sounds harsh but it is what it is!

    7
  84. I’m making this comment in great faith that my Mrs. or her friends, kith or kin would never find their way here, but hey, I’ve walked in the same shoes for what, 10yrs now? A daughter I educate, and take care of in other ways, that my wife knows not about, she’s in Grade 4 now, a brilliant girl, we awkwardly talk on phone, I secretly put her in a good school and provide for everything she needs. I plan to take my other ‘regular’ kids to the same school when they are of age, with the hope that they will figure each other out and surprise their mom.
    My strategy is to hold on to the silence (not lies) until the kids are of a fair age and will understand should their mother decide to chop off my head (the real one). See, a proper man knows her lady, he can predict her reactions with reasonable accuracy, that’s why I cannot dare disclose this to my wife, at least not now, I will wait for the opportune time when everyone is strong enough to absorb the shock, then shoot (if the kids’ scenario above don’t play out).
    My advise, go slow on coming out clean. Let the kids grow a bit for them to understand these things and even understand should the family break. Slowly introduce the idea of a second wife to your wife, prepare her psychologically, then offer this as a solution when shit hits the fan. It will be a win win win situation.

    7
    1. You are a brave one, and I think this may be your way of letting her know. I mean, you post with “Baba John” handle with a photo of yourself included……and think a friend of a friend to your wife doesn’t visit these streets.

      Keep us posted how it goes.
      Good luck.

      2
  85. Boss don’t reveal anything, its your mess find ways of taking care of it as a man! you wont solve anything by spilling the beans you will only end up hurting your wife and the tensions between you two will also affect the other kids. There is no solution to this that will ever make things OK. Mistakes were done and no amount of reconciliation will ever validate or vindicate your past actions.

    Work hard and provide for your children, quit stressing and smoking your lungs out! get up dust yourself, hustle hard and provide. Let baby mama move on with her life. Have a beer whenever you can and avoid complicating anyone else’s life.

    8
  86. I am here with my emotions all over. Should I be sorry for you or for her? Why didn’t you think of her when you got tempted? Why didn’t you break it off from the bud? Now we have the full grain and poor lady has no idea…

    1
  87. Biko!!!! Let the man tell his wife. She knows something is off and is mentally ready for it. She has played the different scenarios in her mind. The challenge is she doesn’t know which scenario will come into play. In fact she already knows what to do after the confession. The only thing she’s not sure of is the finer details and the hubby’s decision on the matter. He messed up but men do stupid things. The thing is if she accepts this child, what’s the probability of another one popping up like this one? Will her acceptance be a green light for him to fool around again? A guy….confess and dance to the beats from your drum. It’s gonna be a long dance but you will be fine. There was a mzee who used to tell us “Hii kitu haina akili inaeza kuingiza kwa shida lazima ujikaze kimwanaume”…..

    2
  88. The gentleman should make peace with the fact that choices have consequences. That he will not be served some vanilla yoghurt when he confesses. He can, however, keep the hope that his wife’s reaction may not be exactly intended to break their marriage. The subsistence of their marriage will mostly depend on how he acts out his loyalty to his wife and family after the mess. He must be genuinely remorseful. If he is not exactly penitent, then he should continue in his immoral trajectory and risk losing completely his family.
    Bottom line is, he must come out clean. He seems to care for his marriage, otherwise he would not solicit counsel from the readers, especially the women.

    5
  89. I think the deal breaker will be if u r still messing around with the baby mama. If it’s just co parenting now, forgiveness will be easier. She’ll want to know why u cheated. Whatever u do, don’t blame it on her. Shit like this can mess up self esteem. Own it n come clean, before your health suffers more. I also pray for the girl, as u raise her b sure to assure her that she’s loved. Daddy issues ladies up in many aspects of life. The more u wait to come clean the harder it will be.

  90. It is going to hurt no matter how you do it. Be truthful because their lies your freedom.
    She will hurt and in pain cry to God, if God hears her cries of pain then man you are in trouble because you will be dealing with God and not her.
    I pray she extends grace to you because that’s what all of us need, grace and more grace. If she does work on closing that door you opened by fire by force. I believe marriages can be restored because God but it is really hard work.
    Kuridia makosa ndio makosa kubwa.
    All the best

    2
  91. I think he’s a good guy for wanting to come clean. King Solomon said, “There’s nothing new under the sun..” which means to say in this scenario that many men from all walks of life have had a love child hidden somewhere until they owned up to their secret, or their secret grew up and demanded a connection and DNA test (re: Belgian King Albert).
    We don’t know his wife’s personality, to be able to accurately gauge her reaction, but I think he should just confess and I’m sure his wife will forgive and move on, and he will feel this burden has rolled off his shoulders. It’s no need suffering so much to the extent of having nightmares, and developing gastritis. Having peace of mind is healing in itself.

    3
  92. A friend of mine told me that he had to marry his baby momma when the wife caused him sleepless nights. He just broke the news that she was expectant to his wife and she packed and left with her two daughters. The guy after a week or so moved to his baby momma place because he had no one to cook for him or wash his clothes.
    The young girls couldn’t understand why they left daddy. They really presurred the money. She had to come back. They never had that discussion 15 years down the line. He just came and saw his daughters and he continued going to his other woman’s house. He now has two wives. He tags them along in functions.
    The kids visit each other.
    If my husband ever gets a baby momma I will be sure of one thing a co-wife.
    People who enjoyed sex to the extent of her getting pregnant will have sex over and over again.

    4
  93. A lie is a lie….and this has been one for 4 yrs already.
    This is my two penny worth…..just sit you family down and tell the kids that they have a sister they don’t know and to the wife that she doesn’t have a co-wife.
    Let them figure this out for a few days then come out clean…
    Luhya men do this all the time and no skulls have been broken!

    5
  94. Telling someone you love the truth that you have been hiding for years it’s going to be painful. But tell her because the truth stands on its own,,,, She will use it in all her arguments for a while . She might verbally abuse for a while but whoever takes The GLORY must take the SHAME. In this case your daughter is your daughter and no human being can change that not even your wife . Face the truth because if I was your wife I want to hear it from you but not from someone else. If you had the guts to get busy with another lady……….. Please tell her today not tomorrow

    1
  95. I applaud you for finally having the courage to confront your demons. The longer the lie continues the more it destroys your peace and the more unbelievable the web of deceit gets. Go ahead and tell her, be prepared for the unknown, of course the consequences of your actions and of the telling will come, you cant prepare for her reaction, every woman is different and therefore what another would do she may not do. She’s entitled to her feelings, her pain and reaction. I dont think there’s enough apology that undoes infidelity and its fruits, the cracks can last for as long and touch surfaces you never even thought existed

    1
  96. The longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes. Seeing it that your daughter already three years and you’ve been in her life, the assumption is that you’re still having a relationship with the mother.

    Go home and when it’s just you and her, tell her that you have a daughter and that you’ve been part of her life and that you’ve lived with that lie for far too long and that you want to come clean.

    Be ready for a milliard of questions.
    My advise, answer all the questions as openly and honestly as possible.

    Reassure her that you love her and that you want to be with her.

    MOST WOMEN APPRECIATE HONESTY. AND IT’S BETTER IF IT COMES FROM YOU.

    6
  97. This confirms what I have always thought…..marriage as a social or religious construct is hardly a container for love or companionship or sex or family. These things
    love, companionship, sex and family are much larger than any rules we will ever make to keep us afraid of “misbehaving.”

    That said:
    1. He isn’t sad he is breaking his wife’s heart, he is afraid she will be angry and leave….the emotional motive matters

    2. He wants to come out for relief not to straighten things out….the logical ego motive matters

    My advice:
    It’s about time you made this thing you are living your own life not a collection of circumstances you experience over time. Once you do this the “how” will be both genuine and honest and she will see it.

    8
  98. Biko, how about if he shows her this article. That is if she loves reading. If she doesn’t, let him force her. After reading of course she’ll give her view. From there he can safely put anything that looks like a weapon away. Including coaches then allow himself to be crucified..

    1
  99. I thought it was some heavier stuff, you know like he’s discovered he’s HIV positive.

    A child, come on. For a three-year-old sin? C’m on man. How can that scare him? There are at least three ways I know he can handle the disclosure like a pro. Am not saying he’s right, BTW, I’m just saying he needs to face up to his crime with ingenuity. And there are methods that will scam the system so that the event is recorded without him doing the time.

    Like, kick up a storm about something else. While tempers are at the highest, drop the bombshell. If it’s already very bad, it cant get worse. That’s the secret behind controlled demolitions.

    1
  100. Don’t break the news when your wife is in a good mood. instead,look for an okay/ normal time when the kids are away. Take responsibility for your actions and don’t demonize the other woman. Be ready for any reaction from her. Emphathetic about the heartbreak that awaits your wife. All the best

    1
  101. Don’t break the news when your wife is in a good mood. instead,look for an okay/ normal time when the kids are away. Take responsibility for your actions and don’t demonize the other woman. Be ready for any reaction from her. I feel for your wife though and the heartbreak that awaits. All the best

  102. It all comes down to you telling her or not, not how you’re going tell her. Also, the aftermath is only dependent on the woman. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to get past the betrayal, the lies, and the infidelity. I may forgive but for my own sake not because we’re going to continue with the marriage and that’s because unfaithfulness and its brothers and sisters are my biggest pet peeves. Having said that, I feel for this woman and every woman who has to deal with such nonsense.

    1
  103. Men suck. You cheat on your wife. Get another woman pregnant. You betray the mother of your children. And now three years later need advise from strangers on how to handle your shit. Well, this is why marriages end. Men don’t care about anyone other than themselves. Is Sex whether losing it all, now that you’re here. Men suck.

    33
  104. I’d leave, not because I didn’t love him anymore nor because I thought he was a horrible human being, I’d leave because I wouldn’t trust him anymore, I’d leave because I know I would not respect him again, the way a wife is supposed to respect a husband- I’d leave for my sanity. If he cheated once, what would stop him from cheating again? Would they still be together had she not become pregnant? Also, she got pregnant, which means they were not using protection. I vowed to love you till death do us part, but I won’t sit around and let you drag me to the grave before my time because you failed to keep your vows and failed to protect your family and instead gave in to your selfish desires. Although I would never keep the kids away from him, for me cheating is a total DEALBREAKER. Actions have consequences.

    Ps. This is unsolicited possible reaction from the wife, in case she’s anything like me

    2
  105. Tell your wife there’s a single mum in dire need and it’s good you help them out then introduce the baby girl to your kids, with that you will be able to spend time with her and your kids

  106. Oh wow! That’s quite a hole you dug yourself into.
    Well, I would say choose a time when the kids are away, for the weekend preferably. This will help her in talking or acreing it out without the need to mask her thoughts cause the kids are in the next room. Be ready for the hell she will throw at you. The thing is, you cannot know how she will react to this news and you cannot dicatate it. Once you tell her, its one day at a time, at her time. Allow her to ask questions, you have no right to get mad, and believe mW, there will be many questions. Suddenly your little escapes will make sense and this will infuriate her because you took her for a fool.
    Just be ready, to put in your all if you want you marriage to be intact after this. It will take a lot but hang in there!

    1
  107. OMG!
    I’d say this is my story , only that this particular chapter is already over. My two cents to the man would be: seek professional therapy to face yourself first , that way, you get help to survive through whatever the outcome of the big revelation .
    Wishing you peace and light

  108. Just come clean… Share the link to this story to her.. We don’t know the reaction afterwards but the heaviness and pain that you hold will he freed..

  109. I’m sure you always curse youself for not using protection. Secondly, baby mama kinda wanted to have your child which is why she never bothered to get careful with not getting preggers. Anyway, I digress.

    To your dilemma, there’s really no formula on how to break the news to your wife. If she loves you, she’ll be so heartbroken and there’s no telling how she will react. Try giving her this truth as a hypothetical case and ask for her opinion. Then apologize and tell her that it is a true story and you are the culprit. If you guys have someone you regard highly, you can confide in him and ask him to be present when you break the news to your wife. His presence will ensure that you don’t get killed on the spot. She (your wife) will have more time to consider whether she wants to go to prison on murder charges and leave her children parent less or not.

    Anyway, all the best. But be sure that your marriage will never be the same.

    2
  110. There is no easy way to do this. Tell her you’ve got someone you’d like her to meet. Then physically introduce her to your daughter. This move makes the issue to be about the child than the two of us, for a start. As parents, it should be safe ground for a start. meet somewhere outdoors, less likelihood of murder or injury.

    Ps. Rehearse the honesty or guilt speech to make on the drive there.
    Then the after-speech, be ready to answer 5 why’s, why did you do it, why now, why the other woman, why did this have to happen to her….

    1
  111. Hehe, so many marriage advisors here. Just make her a second wife and tell your wife. She will stick around. Bring up your kids with no secrets for they matter. Just assures your wives of your love and support.

    1
  112. Son,
    Just live your parallel life. Keep your secret until she discovers. The storm will come ranging but the Ocean will already be full. You will deal with it then.

    When a Lizard decides to put on a trouser, it must be wise enough as to discern at what leg to position the tail, else, it will be very uncomfortable.

    There is nothing elephant; enjoy your happy times living the dual life and give your girl all the love and care.

  113. His only redeeming quality is that he does not want to abandon his dtr like most men. He actually wants all his kids to know one another. At the end of the day his wife won’t blame this child, she may not want her in her face all the time but am sure she will find a way to get over it depending on what kind of father the guy is to their kids. Man up dude! This is all you. Own it!

    2
  114. I can only dread the pain the wife will go through. I wouldn’t wish such even on my worst of enemies.

    Seek help first. From God and from a professional marriage counsellor.

    2
    1. True such pain is unbearable. ….but believe me, Time does wonders!!! Let him speak out and be ready to stand with her during the healing process. It might take days, months, years or never to forgive him.

  115. He should start with the usual hogwash about how much he loves her and that she’s the best thing that happened to him. Her and their kids and he loves his family so much…then, that he wronged and betrayed her and he’s so so sorry and it’s eaten him for 4 years…but his wife is his best friend, love etc etc nonsense and he wants to keep her as his love, bff etc. Then tell her that in a moment of his foolish weakness, he got some woman pregnant and he has a 4 year old. Quickly add that there’s absolutely zero happening with the girl’s mother(which is a lie) but the guilt….he’s been taking care of the child…

    1
  116. Whether u sugarcoat it or not it is the truth. I prefer the truth anytime. She probably knows something is wrong. Just apologize first, tell her then expect any eventuality. This can be used against u for the next three years, she may leave, she may stay but mad. She might say “haidhuru” u know but u will have told her n u won’t have to hide ur baby girl anymore

  117. Men are bottom of the barrel trash. Having unprotected sex out there and then coming home to have sex with your wife. No wonder HIV in married couples is on the rise.

    Women need to rethink the whole idea of marriage!

    3
  118. Choices always have consequences. If you eat too much starchy food with vegetables you will get constipation. But the s*** must come out. Even if you have to go to hospital for that.
    There really is no new play you can act out to tell this truth. You are already in Act 2 of this scene of your life.

    1
  119. My take is very different on this. First, happiness is an individual responsibility, it will be hurtful for sure, but mtu ni kujiamini even if things are going south, and you(she) feel bare, exposed, naked and stripped. So, tell her, and from there, both understand that there is nothing you can do or say to make her stay or leave, and on her side, there is nothing she can do to tame your drive. Staying is a choice on either side, but without guilt tripping and miserable touting. Let her stay because she wants to be with you despite your upoko (maybe this torture right now will work for you for a long time. You will think about it next time you are in a thrill or feel like thrilling), and you choose to stay with her because you choose her, not because you feel sorry for her. You will either grow into each other, or out of each other. The sun will still rise the next day, ya Mungu ni mengi. Amini Mungu in whatever happens. All the best man.

  120. Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.
    Always remind that as you choose to go out and run after girls who are not worth a dime in your life as a married man.

    14
  121. Do it for your daughter, and let the fates be the judge…Otherwise, you will live have a half life, …’and a daughter deprived of his father’s attention’

  122. No matter how difficult the situation is , eat first – Luhya proverb.

    It all starts with a good meal at a fancy restaurant.

    May Trump be with you.

    3
  123. Supposed one Is the end product of such infidelities, unbeknownst to you till you are in 20s, let him raise the kid aside, do not bring it to the family it will destroy it to pieces man. Let them discover if need be in future but mostly we take secrets to grave ……

    1
  124. The rendition is, as always, captivating. So is the tale. It’s no sin to take some secrets to the grave. Unless they are discovered, and deal. Anyway.

    A life maxim, don’t defend yourself unless accused.

  125. Felix Felix Felix, how many times did I mention your name? Good, keep mum until she screws up. She might get bored with the relationship like you did and is sleeping with your buddy. Again, who told you that her babies are yours? Is Gastritis fatal? If yes, let it kill you slowly rather than the chagrin of a wife who might say ‘……let’s see how we can work it out….’

    3
  126. Sad thing is, many men are in his situation @biko, leo email Inbox yako itajaa. This story will open up many men today.
    Waiting for future stories. Maybe start a thread ya men with children out of their relationships, whether married , come we stay, come we try etc.

  127. Men are careless when it comes to keeping a secret.
    Maybe the wife already knows about the child and is wondering when the husband will ‘break’ the news to her. Just maybe.

    He should also jokingly narrate the story to his wife as if it happened to a third party and ask her what she would do if it were her and observe her reaction.

  128. Let’s reverse the roles. What if it was your wife who came to you and told you that she was carrying another man’s child? Her co-worker’s child perhaps.
    1. How would you prefer she breaks this news?
    2. What would be your exact reaction?

    11
  129. It feels the lying part is consuming all your energy. So Please just decide on getting candid on the whole issue as soon.
    Also consider to bring your daughter on board because it is much easier to merge them when they are this young .

    2
  130. Love is a powerful emotion. It is preceded by trust…”laying it all down” as I would like to call it. I have witnessed bigger messier situations where compassion and the willingness to look in the mirror comes before any sin that was committed by the other party. Sit down your wife, tell her that you have something you would like to share with her. Tell her to forgive you in advance and paint a picture of the truth. Make it clear that the relationship with the mother of this girl is only a mutual agreement for the sake of the child (if that is what it is). Above all, you need to be very very patient. It might take weeks, or even months before you know the true position of your wife over this matter. Do not make up any excuses for your behavior, remember you stepped out of your marriage period!
    God forgave us of our sins, and hopefully you will receive the same mercy and grace from your wife. Above all, ask God to forgive you and give you the favor you need before your wife as you explain yourself away. It is amazing what God’s grace can do.
    All the best and waiting for the part two of this crossroad…when hopefully it will be ….happiness

    2
  131. The wife will change for sure. And Man better be ready to handle that new wife in whichever form she will come. Be it mama kelele, mama kanisa, Mama Ben10, mama hustler, mama safaris with fellow women. She will take on a new form to handle this heartbreak. And the society plus family will still blame her for changing because African men are just that! I feel the pain for her!

    3
  132. YOU: Babe i have something i need to tell you and i hope eventually when the anger dies down you will forgive me
    HER: what is it, you are scarring me.
    YOU: 3 years ago i had an affair which resulted in a child
    HER:are you serious. what the F are u telling me?
    YOU: i know am deeply deeply ashamed and i know nothing can fix this but i cant keep lying anymore. there is a child involved and i have been unfair to all parties involved and i need to make it right
    HER: you have a Fcking 3 yr old and you never told me. who are you!! WTF.
    slams door and walks away.then comes back…
    HER: I am going to my sisters. i need to think about all this. how could you fcking do this to us!

    There will be no easy way. bite the bullet be honest. answer ALL questions honestly. Its your moment to just come clean about all the lies. make your future intentions of the scenario (parenting your other kid)clear and give her space to decide

    she is unlikely to leave you. but ofcorse the trust is gone. you will NEVER get it back. that is the price. Accept be a great father to ALL your kids and try be a better husband.in the likley event she revenge cheats. take it like a man.its your penance.

    4
  133. 4years and she hasn’t clocked your lie?? If she hasn’t remotely stressed you about something being off, then you’re worrying about the wrong thing. Wait till her closet opens broooo. I LOVE THIS GAAAAAME!!!

    2
  134. Had we stuck to our traditional way of life , you and many others wouldn’t be in this position. We were quick to embrace western culture, look at us now.

  135. Do it from the heart that’s all I can tell you n I guess that’s what really matters. Others have been forgiven for worse, if there’s any live left in yo marriage it will survive and mend well . Sometimes even better than before cause you choose her after all is said and done. God help u with wisdom.

  136. Seems to me like you only have one problem to solve. Why do you have to keep getting permission slips to step out of your house? Men don’t say they’re going to have a shave or buy milk or fix the car. They say they’re out for the day, with no estimated time of returning, but obviously after sunset, or maybe earlier if it’s a Sunday. Your frame is bent or lost. Fix your frame, stop simping, and you won’t have a problem running the two families as one.

  137. Either gastritis or your wife will kill you… Choose the way you want to die. But there are chances that your wife may not kill you. Be wise.

  138. My 2 cents
    1. Wife already knows. How much she knows may vary but she knows something. We men are not very good at camouflaging stress. She must have detecting a change. Tw0 changes actually: the first when the romance was blooming and the second after the child was born. Maybe she stumbled on some inconsistency and did some digging up already. Or maybe not, especially if she is pre-occupied elsewhere….
    2. The longer it takes to ‘prepare’ for the coming out, the worse the experience is. We men tend to prepare by rehearsing what to say. But the conversation ALWAYS veers off in another unexpected direction. So the man starts fumbling to keep up.

    My proposal (easy to say while seated here at my desk with a cup of tea): blurt it out in not more than 3 lines or so:
    (1) there is something that I need to share with you [prepare her for bad news]
    (2) I love you and the kids blah blah blah [it has something to do with relationship/love]
    (3) I made a mistake: I met somebody and we have a child, who is now 3
    Then you wait for the questions and possibly missiles (verbal, physical or both)

    2
  139. I wouldn’t be surprised if the wife already knows (or at least suspects) his transgressions and has been waiting for him to come out clean. Women have a way of suspecting something, investigating it, gathering evidence and holding on to it as we watch you pull all this lies out your ass. Its a talent i suspect has been passed on to us for generations since Eve. Now on what to do, just tell her and don’t try to justify your actions cause they are not justifiable. All the best.

  140. Wah!!!!

    Come clean now before she gets the info from other sources

    How?
    Take Wifey to her holiday destination. (Breaking a woman’s heart at places she like slows down the anger hormones-or rather confuses them). On the last day before you come back, sit her down and explain everything. Be remorseful. Do not tell her that you asked the lady to terminate the pregnancy.

    After that, give her your credit card, come back home and let her continue enjoying her holiday. Do not check your credit card transactions. Just stay put and give her time to process it all. If you have been a good husband all through, there is a chance that this one mistake will not cancel out all your good deeds.

    1
  141. Well.
    Children have a right to their father and that right is not at the behest or will of the stepmother or any other person at all.
    You have sired a child not killed anyone. Its sad that you are making it look as so.
    You made a promise to your wife and have broken it. Handle that on your own. That’s your problem and hers.
    Just don’t extend your cowardice to your daughter.

  142. A kind of “Murphy’s law” situation.. There’s no knowing what will happen, but watching over your shoulder because of your own flesh and blood is not worth it!!
    There’s no formula, just own up and say it, deal with the consequences after, at least you will be able to lead an honest life. It’s not always the case, but in your situation, honesty is the best policy!!

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  143. There is no right way to tell her. Rip the band aid, come clean and tell her how it started. Allow her to ask all the questions she has and answer them. Be ready for any and all reactions and if by any chance, however slim, you reconcile, you will have to be ready to rebuild that trust by whatever means possible even if it looks absurd.

    And lastly, do not have this conversation near the kids. I would advise you to take her for a staycation at a hotel so that you have ample time to have this long and tedious conversation and also somewhere she can express her emotions freely without being wary of kids hearing what is going on

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  144. personally, I have been down that road. I met my ex fiance 6 years back,he had separated with his baby mama,and the reason was the baby mama was more of arrogant,ever fighting,insecure and above all lazy stay at home kind of woman. so the lady calle dit off and she moved on and went to start a new life in dubai.so when I met him that was his narrative ,up until when the baby mama contacted me using a fake account of facebook,and she told me the nigga was a cheat. I dint believe it cause I knew she wanted to come back but the guy was madly in love with me. so one day when I was at this guys houses, a lady came very early in the morning,so the lady waited until we woke up and opened the doors ready to kick start the day as usual. so weh he opened the door,this lady came inn and it was so hard for him chase away this girl but let her pick whataver she wanted to pick or say whatever she wanted to say. this girl took her cloths and turned to me and told me shes pregnant for the guy, I dint respond back but I just kept quite all through. I later asked this guy if its true the kid was his but he refuted and claimed the girl was having an affair with another friend of his from the office and she wants to pin him down on a pregnancy that’s not his. I believed him and life moved on .two years down the line th lady gave birth a bouncing baby boy that looked like him completely.i felt betrayed and hurt because to me if he had told me the truth as it was I could have known how to handle it .so in a nutshell .its always good for a man to come clean before a woman gets to know about it through other ways .cause thats where most of us fill in the empty blank spaces in our heads and later end up hating and suddenly the love dies a natural death.so if he loves his piece of mind and family,he better come clean with the with as soon as possible

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  145. The guilty are always running. Most women appreciate a man who is honest with them especially with their faults. She will appreciate hearing this from you way before the rumours start to fly…. and they will soon. It is important in all this to think about the child first an innocent soul you brought on earth she is the only one who stands to gain from all this turmoil…at the moment it may not look like much but in a few years time you will be glad you came clean with everyone.

  146. I would invite a third party. If she’s a church person and she’s close to the leadership, talk to them, say the mama pastor and see how to arrange to talk to her. together. If she’s secular, find a good therapist, one that both of you would be willing to listen to and first have a session with them to fix yourself and then invite her.
    How that conversation goes and the events thereafter ni mungu tu akuonekanie

  147. What a story!
    1st it depends on what you want. Is it the child or the child and the mother? Those are 2 different things.
    If child only, then you have a chance with your wife.
    If both, your wife will smell it and most likely she will not want to be part of it.
    But all in all, come clean and be ready to face the consequences.
    Its amazing how you have hidden this for a whooping 5 years! Meeeeeehn……Its harsh out there!

  148. I asked some wazee about this and this was the sum of it all.
    1.You need to cultivate a very strong bond between you and the first wife’s children that you can take them out hata kama their mother is not there.
    2.Arrange as many play outings for all the children to give them time to bond.if your children are smart enough they’ll notice their similarities and they’ll be enjoying it.
    The curious one will start asking and when they do come out clean coz you already have a strong bond with them they will process and accept it haraka.all you need to do is to keep affirming your love for them.
    When the children are sorted now it’s time to drop the news to the wife.when you have a strong relationship with the kids it’s easier for the wife to forgive you coz every woman want the best for their children.
    Forgiveness dies not mean she won’t act or throw a surprise at you.be ready,accept and take it all like a man.with time(it might take long)the dust will settle and life goes on.

  149. In my honest opinion a woman who doesn’t want a particular man to impregnate her WILL NOT get pregnant!!! To the extent that they may be in the pill AND still insist he wears a condom!!!
    Secondly, I’m curious as to the religion angle. Soooo, being catholic you cannot have a termination but it’s perfectly ok to commit adultery???? The mind boggles!!!

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  150. Are you still sleeping with the other woman? Are you confessing to her that you have sired a child out of wedlock or that she has a co-wife? My reaction would depend on whichever of the two you’re owning up to.