Curse Of The Gifted

I haven’t been to church in four years. I was born in an SDA church, not literally of course, I mean our family is SDA, and as children we would be forced to go to church every Saturday. Church started around 9am and ended shortly after 1pm. I found it long and painful. For the longest time I couldn’t describe it as boring because I thought that would hurt God’s feelings. This was before I realised that God was cool and wouldn’t get hurt by such things. That he had bigger problems, like people blowing up his church or selling babies. He’s God. So later I admitted that church was boring, I’d be there, sitting in the pew, but my mind would drift away and so I’d be in church but I’d also be in a supermarket or in a nice car or in the office. Then I became an adult and my mom couldn’t force me to go to church anymore because I was now paying my own rent, so I stopped going to SDA church. Then I got married and found myself in the Catholic church and when you are married you tend to go to the church your spouse goes to. So I’d go to Don Bosco. Even though there was a lot of kneeling and standing and singing and the sermon lasted only 30 mins or so, my mind would frequently drift away. One moment I’d be humming the hymn, the next I’d be thinking about how Karura forest gets so muddy when it rains a little and your running shoes get caked with mud. Or where I was going to fuel after church. Just useless things. I’d really try to focus but it would be hard. They had a kickass choir and that helped but the church was full of hot women and I don’t know if other men struggle with this, but don’t you feel really guilty looking at a hot girl in church and thinking, “Oh, I’m really going to burn for this?”

I get bored so quickly, not only with church but with other things. My attention span is short, I drift away fast. I’m like a child. A meeting goes over an hour and my mind is out of that room. I would tell God, “But Lord, you say you made us in your own image and likeness, so you must understand what I’m going through.” Someone told me to try out Mavuno church because it was a hip and fun church and I’d never get bored but I didn’t because I have always thought Mavuno is a hip church, a place where cool children gather. I’m no cool child, I never sought to sit in the cool children corner, so I passed on Mavuno.

But then years ago I met Pastor Gowi Odera at Spielworks Media, where I was helping with some scripts. He had come for a meeting and as he was leaving Dorothy’s office, she introduced me to him and we stood there and talked and talked and Dorothy said, ‘Okay, I will let you gentlemen talk.” She left and we spoke some more and exchanged numbers. I liked him. Although he was a pastor I didn’t feel like I was talking to a pastor. So we started meeting up for breakfasts and then we started meeting in his office at Greenhouse at 6:30am every fortnight and we’d sit in the room and talk about life. I was going through a difficult period in my life and Gowi was there, to offer guidance, to challenge my decisions, to ask me questions I hadn’t confronted. He never once offered judgment, he spoke his mind and when I disagreed with him he didn’t hit me over the head with a bible verse. We spoke not as a man and a man of God but as men, but with his theology direction. Then he’d pray for me.

Then he moved offices, to South C, and our meetings reduced to a trickle. But once in a while we’d talk on phone briefly, or have the odd breakfast. The last time I ran into him he had a beard. He looked like Rick Ross’s vegetarian cousin. Gowi shifted my bar of pastors and one day I will write more about him.

But today let’s talk about another (former) pastor called Gadd who someone recommended for this series.

We arrange to meet on a Saturday.

It’s raining heavily outside when he checks in, wiping droplets off his shoulders. He stands in the middle of the room, looking for someone with a big forehead. The room is full because it’s warmer inside than out on the terrace. He’s hungry, so I recommend the highly acclaimed cheese samosas. He sends for a cold Redbull. “I’m sorry I had to drag you into this madness,” I tell him and he says, “Oh, this is tame. I’ve been to worse places.”

“I grew up in Dandora and Kayole,” he says. “Growing up in these rough neighbourhoods it was never about chasing girls, or trying to impress girls. It was about fighting other boys. Which gang are we fighting today? Can you hold your own? Are you brave to face another boy with a knife or an iron bar? Can you defend your honour? Will you blink first or will the enemy blink first? We never chased girls, we were either defending our territory or we were taking over others.” Which is something Samuel L Jackson would say only he would say it differently: “Will you blink first matha**** or will the enemy blink first? We never chased no girls, you were either defending your matha***ing territory or you were taking others!”

When he was 9-years old his father took off with another woman. He never came back. Rather, he would resurface very briefly in different periods of his life, mostly technical appearances. So his father figure was the neighbourhoods and his boys. His teenage was filled with running battles and brushes with the law. “When we moved to Kayole and Komarock we fought off Somali gangs for territory. I saw a pal get shot and bleed to death because he stole two ironboxes. I saw my friend go crazy from smoking pot, like go mad literally. There was gun violence, knife violence, beatings, intimidation, it was always these boys trying to show those boys who was more manly. If you were weak you lost. We belonged to a notorious gang called Ombidho, have you heard of it?”

“No,” I say over the loud music.

“Well, we were the founders of that gang, and now it has offshoots all over Eastlands.”

So he grew up not ceding, standing his ground and pushing back and showing the rest that he was unbowed. “We called it ‘roho juu’…just false bravado.” But he also somehow, in the midst of this mayhem, was drawn to books. He loved to read. He’d go out and swing iron rods at someone’s head and then later in the evening curl up with a book. He also loved basketball. And dogs. He raised big-ass dogs. “In these tough neighbourhoods you need to be known by something you do. That’s how you gain the respect of your peers. That’s how your legend goes beyond your neighbourhood. I was known for raising these big dogs but the one thing I think solidified my reputation was that at 16, I single-handedly castrated a dog.”

“The hell did you do that?” I ask.

“So when you castrate a dog they grow much bigger in size. So my dogs were always very big. But this one time I did it myself, with a crowd. It’s a dangerous thing to do, but I did it and I was a hero.”

He went to Upper Hill school. His gang activities reduced when he joined the Christian Union, which was interesting because his rowdy brother was in Pumwani High and everybody knew of his brother’s badassery and so he was always feared for that but also respected for being this staunch CU guy. “I had a nickname; Kauzi Ameokoka,” he chuckles. His cheese samosas are set before him. As he wipes his hands with the hotel towel he says, “but I mentioned that I liked reading and I was a great student, I have always been a great student throughout the gang life and whatnot, and so it wasn’t any surprise when I passed and joined University of Nairobi to study Political Science, Public Administration and Literature. By the time I was getting in uni, I had stopped the gang life. I had found God and I was very committed to the life of a Christian.” He bites into his samosa and chews gingerly. “Well?” I ask a little too early. He munches and says, “I will give you my review in a bit.”

See, because he never chased girls in the neighborhood when all of us were chasing girls (he’s 41-years this year) he was a virgin when he met his girlfriend in church right before he joined uni. “She was light skinned and very beautiful and we dated throughout my time in Uni.” He says. “She was a very quiet girl, which worked perfectly because I’m not a quiet person.” He chuckles.

He’s now eating the second samosa but hasn’t offered me a review, kwani how long does someone decide whether something is good or not? A day? Should I ask him again after twenty minutes? Thirty? Should I ask him when he turns 45?

They never had sex while dating. Because you know, church and things. They would go on dates and I don’t know, hold hands and crack jokes, rather he would, she was the quiet one, and he would kiss her on the cheek and say, “I will see you tomorrow, my love,” and that would be it. For nine years they dated they never had sex. The wedding happened in a church in Umoja in 2005. That night be broke his virginity. He was 27-years old.

“Damn,” I say. Which is something someone like me who broke his virginity at 13/14-years would say. “Was she also a virgin?”

“Yes.” he says.

If this story were to end here, I’d give it a different title; Two Virgins. But it doesn’t. They move in together, husband and wife. He describes her as a loving person. “She was very loving, someone who stood by me through everything good or bad, she was always in my corner. She was also very…” he searches for the words, “ mysterious, yeah, with intrigue, I guess because she’s very silent, bila drama.”

Post university he worked a lot with the uni guys, training them on leadership. He would also work together with a pastor in these youth programs and eventually he started apprenticing to become a pastor at Mashariki church in Eastlands. He joined Nairobi Chapel where he also used to sing. He was appointed as the Creative Arts Director. He did that for a bit before moving to Mashariki Church in Eastlands. They moved from Greenfields to a bigger digs in Ngong Road, commuting back and forth. “I was your typical poster child of a hard working pastor hustler.” He says.

“What’s that?”

“I was making money off the gospel. You preach. I was leading praise and worship. We moved to two-bed in Ngong Road, we were moving on up.”

They had already gotten their first born in 2007. A baby girl. “I was in the room when she was born. She was born with her eyes open,” he says. “She had the prettiest eyes, like a deer’s eyes, beautiful smiling eyes. I remember how she locked eyes with me at that moment and I felt like we had a moment. But even later, as a baby, you would be carrying her but she would be following me with her eyes.”

Things were going okay after the baby, only that there was no migwatos. (We are going to call sex migwatos for today because I suspect some children to be reading this). He thought that perhaps it was postpartum depression or that it was the stress of being a new mother. “I was being that understanding husband, you know? Being supportive. I didn’t want to add my own personal needs to her stress of being a mother when she would say she doesn’t it feel like.”

By the way, please note that by this time he hasn’t even told me what he thinks of the cheese samosas. He intends to keep me waiting. It’s okay, we shall wait.

For the first year after getting their baby they didn’t have migwatos. Of course he was frustrated sexually. I ask him if he thought of getting laid outside, if it crossed his mind. “I couldn’t. I was respected in the church, people looked up to me as a model man, as model husband, how could I betray that by trying to even try something with anyone? I couldn’t even tell anyone that I was not getting laid. I had the curse of the gifted.”

“Curse of the gifted, I love that. I’m going to make it my header.”

“Please, use it.” He laughs. “I was in a very interesting position where I was feeling deprived of conjugal at home and it was frustrating me because I had needs as a man but also I had to be this guy that people respected as a church guy, they put me in a pedestal and I had to live that life. So I sucked it in and said God would find a solution for me whenever he saw fit.”

At the same time he started experiences financial problems. His salary was getting delayed upto three months. He was defaulting in rent. Auctioneers came knocking on his door once and then twice, the letter demanding payment of arrears in 18 days or they would come and haul everything away. “So I started selling households, basically things that I had bought and didn’t need, like the hometheater…”

“Throwing things overboard to keep the ship afloat.”

“Exactly.”He says. “But it’s the principle of debt, you get money to pay off a debt and you remain with another debt to contend with.”

“Did your wife know that you were having money issues, that auctioneers were knocking?”

“No. Where I come from, we handle our stuff silently. So I would take care of it silently. Of course she knew we were having challenges but she didn’t know how grave it was.”

When nothing was promising to change, when the church was not going to make his rent, he started considering to a side hustle. And what better hustle than what he understood, what he knew. Dogs. All those years raising massive dogs in Dandora made him understand dogs and their temperament. He taps into their emotions. “Dogs are like the mob, you get in but you can’t get out, man.”

“What makes you so good with dogs?” I ask him.

“I love them. To breed dogs you have to love dogs beyond the love you would accord an animal. Dogs helped me during my time in Dandora, they brought out my compassionate side as a young man living in a place without much compassion. It was also a great way to distress because my environment was high stress environment.”

“By the way, did your father taking off and growing up without him make you bitter?”

“Bitter?”He actually laughs at that. “These are emotions that I only now hear people assign to childhood experiences. It was life how we knew it; your father left, you remained with your mother, nobody tried to interpret that because it wasn’t something uncommon. It was life. In Eastlands there was no time to process bitterness. It was life.”

He started breeding dogs in their backyard. Big-ass dogs. He took to it like he never stopped, his dog muscles kicking off like he never stopped. After a few months he would sell off the dogs for 65k a pop. “I paid off my debts after a few months, I wasn’t scared of rent anymore. I had extra cash.”

Homefront was struggling. Mostly it was migwatos that was the problem. “It was intermittent.” He says and I don’t know why that word – intermittent – when referencing migwatos sounds so odd. Intermittent would be something that describes the rain. Something large scale farmers use. Or folk in the weather office. Some words were just meant for each other, sex and intermittent are strange bedfellows.

Somehow amidst this they discussed a second baby and started working on it. This time round they were living in a bigger house, still on Ngong road, for space for him to breed more dogs. The baby came in 2012 just as he was getting into Mavuno as a Care Pastor. “A Care Pastor does just that. He hatches, matches and dispatches. So dedications, marriage and then we bury you. We do life. We were walking with people in all stages of their lives. The reason why I’m telling you that this bar is tame compared to what I have seen is that sometimes I’d be called by one of our church members at 3am when they are having a meltdown and I’d have to go to him and get him from the bar. We were doing life.” Life became good. “I was driving a Mercedes 124, presidential blue in colour, sunroof, music system and having a ball doing what I was doing.”

In 2013 there was no migwatos. The whole year. Neither was there migwatos in 2014 and in 2015. “I never cheated.” He says. I might have him a cynical look, because he raised his hand up and said, “I swear. Never. Remember the curse of the gifted? I couldn’t. I was a monk, you guy.” Life trudged on. The marriage was love less, on both sides. They were just moving along, like tired donkeys with luggage they don’t even need on their backs. His dog business on the other hand was doing so well. He was now leasing dogs to security companies. He had bought a Passat then a Pajero, moved the family into a much bigger house. “I quit my job in 2015 thinking that perhaps if I spent more time at home we would get close. Nothing changed. Same bed and no intimacy. I was spending more time with the children though, because now I was working from the house.” He suggests that they try seeing a counsellor, she’s adamant. Doesn’t see the point. She says there is nothing wrong with the marriage.

Eventually after 11-years he said, enough, we can’t live like this. “She wasn’t moved, she was very easy about it. I remember she said, ‘that’s fine, you can get married again if you want, it runs in your family anyway.” He chuckles. “ It’s because my brother has remarried twice.”

He moved to Thogoto. There is actually a place like that in Nairobi, or rather its outskirts. As the name suggests, it’s past Kikuyu. Greenery. Red soil. Men in big brown jackets. Children with mavins on their heads. Rolling green hills, small farms, cows, someone driving past in a pickup with the words on the door, “Kariuki James, P.O Box, 345, Kikuyu.” You get the picture. He got a big house and a big compound.

“Those were dark days. I missed the kids. I missed my dogs. I was lonely. But that experience taught me one thing; to listen to myself. I have lived my life as this loud guy, there has always been a lot of noise in my life but for once I was confronted with silence and I had to listen to myself. I had to learn to love myself. In fact, being there got me closer to God.”

“Does God hate divorce?” I ask him.

“Yes, God hates divorce.”

“But why?” I moan.

“That’s a hard question.” He says and leaves it at that. Which means he owes me the answer to the cheese samosa question and the answer to this divorce questions. But who’s counting?

“What I know is that I was crumbling and I was talking to Him more than I was before.” He says. I ask him what all these means, what lessons he has learnt. “Foundation, I think I should have laid a better foundation for the marriage. I also should have gone into marriage with no expectations. You know, friends are shocked we broke up. They ask me what I did.”

“Not her, for sure.” I say and he laughs loudly.

“Would you say your marriage ended because of lack of sex?”

“Yes.” He says.

“Why do you think she wasn’t interested in sex?”

“If I asked her why your marriage ended what do you think she would say?”

“We spoke about it one time and she said that the spark was gone from the marriage. I don’t know if she understands that it ended for me because of lack of sex. [sips his energy drink.] But funny you should ask that. There was a time long after we broke up I went to pick up the kids now that we are co-parenting, and she told me people ask me why you left, what should I tell them? Do you see what that means?”

I honestly don’t. All I want to know is what the hell he thinks of the damned samosa. It’s now raining outside. The parking is full. A lady from the next table comes and says hello to him. Someone from the church, he explains.

“Was she happy?”

He wipes his hands with a napkin. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. Obviously.”

“Are you happy now?”

“I am, but I hate being alone.”

He has his dogs now. When his children are over he watches them play with them. He says that he uses the dogs to read his children’s emotions by the way they respond to the dogs. Because dogs give love and dogs except love, they get out of their way to receive the love and they have a way of tapping into human compassion. “I will know if my children are sad or insecure or worried about something the moment they start to interact with the dogs.” He says. So he uses the dogs to interpret his children’s emotions.

That night just before lights out, I stay up for a bit thinking to myself; that bugger never told me what he thought of the cheese samosas. Sunday morning, I wait till after 8am to text him: By the way, you never told me what you thought of the cheese samosas?

“Excellent!” He Whatsapps back.

****

This story has been slightly amended after confusion that our subject was pastor Gowi.  (Who finds this hilarious).

***
The registration of the Creative Writing Masterclass is still on. (info@bikozulu.co.ke) Last call for men with marriage stories that we haven’t heard. (Bikozulu@gmail.com)

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275 Comments
      1. I’ll try and tell you why God hates divorce because he say’s so in Malachi 2:16

        And probably you’ll get a clear picture when you read the Gospels
        Matthew and Mark
        Jesus is challenged with questions
        Matthew 19
        Mark 10

        But however much he dislikes this in the first letters of Paul to the Corinthians chapter 7:11 he has a somewhat contrary opinion of the same matter

        10
      2. God hates divorce because it leads to violence resulting from ungodliness.

        Here is the evidence:

        We are quick to quote Malachi 2:16 in this manner:
        ‘…… Lord God of Israel says
        That He hates divorce……..’

        While we never ask what precedes the verse.
        I’ll quote the same from vs 13 down to vs 17:

        ‘And this is the second thing you do:
        You cover the altar of the Lord with tears,
        With weeping and crying;
        So He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.
        Yet you say, “For what reason?”
        Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant.
        But did He not make them one,
        Having a remnant of the Spirit?
        And why one?

        He seeks godly offspring.

        Therefore take heed to your spirit,
        And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.
        “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce,
        For it covers one’s garment with violence,”
        Says the Lord of hosts.
        “Therefore take heed to your spirit,
        that you do not deal treacherously.”

        What’s the one justifiable reason for divorce? Matt 5:32 says adultery

        Treachery is betrayal of trust. Some bible versions have used the term unfaithful.

        Let’s bring it home:
        God doesn’t accept the offerings of these guys because they have been unfaithful to their wives/ have dealt with them treacherously.

        Vs 15: Why does God make a couple one when He units them in marriage? Because He wants godly offsprings

        Meaning if a man deals unfaithfully with his wife, the risk there is is having offsprings that are not godly.

        Let’s zoom in on godliness:
        1 Timothy 4:8 – For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come

        Meaning, godliness is the solution to the chaotic life today and it leads to salvation/eternal life.

        How about lack of godliness?
        Rom 1:18
        For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness…… Read it all to vs 32.

        From ungodliness and unrighteousness comes all evils listed in Rom 1- homosexuality,fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:…..

        As in, God joins man and woman into one (in holy matrimony) because He wants godly offsprings.

        The converse is also true, which is summarized in ‘vs 16, which says God hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence.

        How we may ask? Read it as, God hates divorce because it leads to ungodliness….then remember all the evils and violence that results from ungodliness listed above ( Rom 1).

        From this, we can rightfully say that a broken society is as a direct result of broken homes, which result from unfaithfulness between couples.

        When one is unfaithful to his/her spouse, he’s causing divorce, which causes ungodliness which results in all evils in the society.

        So when we read the papers or watch the news and all we see is violence and all manner of evils, just know it starts with the unfaithful spouse.

        To undo all the societal evils, just safeguard the marital bed.

        Notice Malachi 2:13 says the worship and prayers of the guys who deal treacherously with their wives go unanswered.

        Now imagine: prayers are not answered and the offsprings are ungodly. This is basically recipe for a totally broken society: exactly what we have today.

        And this totally broken society is the reason God hates divorce….

        He created man and asked him to be fruitful and multiply and subdue the earth. He created us for prosperity, yet we are self destroying.

        No wonder He’ll cleanse this earth and bring a new earth without all these evils.

        The marriage union leads us to be malleable for God to mould us. That malleability is what opens us to godliness, because we are transformed into God’s image.

        Divorce does the exact opposite. Makes us hardhearted, such that God cannot transform us into His character ie it makes people ungodly, ( deserving God’s wrath according to Rom 1).

        108
        1. Kauzi ameokoka, you can save many young lives in this Eastlands. Hessy wa Kayole anawatuma heaven na speeds za 4G.

          3
          1. I studied it hard when I was going through it.

            God hates divorce but not the divorcees.. He wishes it never happen, when it happens, there still is hope because there is restoration in God (restoration of the persons involved, not necessarily the broken marriage).

            God does answer our difficult questions

            12
      3. God hates divorce because it leads to violence resulting from ungodliness.

        Here is the evidence:

        We are quick to quote Malachi 2:16 in this manner:
        ‘…… Lord God of Israel says
        That He hates divorce……..’

        While we never ask what precedes the verse.
        I’ll quote the same from vs 13 down to vs 17:

        ‘And this is the second thing you do:
        You cover the altar of the Lord with tears,
        With weeping and crying;
        So He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.
        Yet you say, “For what reason?”
        Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant.
        But did He not make them one,
        Having a remnant of the Spirit?
        And why one?

        He seeks godly offspring.

        Therefore take heed to your spirit,
        And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.
        “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce,
        For it covers one’s garment with violence,”
        Says the Lord of hosts.
        “Therefore take heed to your spirit,
        that you do not deal treacherously.”

        What’s the one justifiable reason for divorce? Matt 5:32 says adultery

        Treachery is betrayal of trust. Some bible versions have used the term unfaithful.

        Let’s bring it home:
        God doesn’t accept the offerings of these guys because they have been unfaithful to their wives/ have dealt with them treacherously.

        Vs 15: Why does God make a couple one when He units them in marriage? Because He wants godly offsprings

        Meaning if a man deals unfaithfully with his wife, the risk there is is having offsprings that are not godly.

        Let’s zoom in on godliness:
        1 Timothy 4:8 – For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come

        Meaning, godliness is the solution to the chaotic life today and it leads to salvation/eternal life.

        How about lack of godliness?
        Rom 1:18
        For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness…… Read it all to vs 32.

        From ungodliness and unrighteousness comes all evils listed in Rom 1- homosexuality,fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:…..

        As in, God joins man and woman into one (in holy matrimony) because He wants godly offsprings.

        The converse is also true, which is summarized in ‘vs 16, which says God hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence.

        How we may ask? Read it as, God hates divorce because it leads to ungodliness….then remember all the evils and violence that results from ungodliness listed above ( Rom 1).

        From this, we can rightfully say that a broken society is as a direct result of broken homes, which result from unfaithfulness between couples.

        When one is unfaithful to his/her spouse, he’s causing divorce, which causes ungodliness which results in all evils in the society.

        So when we read the papers or watch the news and all we see is violence and all manner of evils, just know it starts with the unfaithful spouse.

        To undo all the societal evils, just safeguard the marital bed.

        Notice Malachi 2:13 says the worship and prayers of the guys who deal treacherously with their wives go unanswered.

        Now imagine: prayers are not answered and the offsprings are ungodly. This is basically recipe for a totally broken society: exactly what we have today.

        And this totally broken society is the reason God hates divorce….

        He created man and asked him to be fruitful and multiply and subdue the earth. He created us for prosperity, yet we are self destroying.

        No wonder He’ll cleanse this earth and bring a new earth without all these evils.

        The marriage union leads us to be malleable for God to mould us. That malleability is what opens us to godliness, because we are transformed into God’s image.

        Divorce does the exact opposite. Makes us hardhearted, such that God cannot transform us into His character ie it makes people ungodly, ( deserving God’s wrath according to Rom 1).

        4
      4. Because marriage represents the relationship of Christ and his bride the church. And Christ will never leave his bride.

        22
        1. This is so true.
          Christ never separates from His church.

          At the close of age, however, Christ will be forced to see those whom He redeemed but refused His redemption perish. This will be eternal separation.

          The pain Christ and those who will not be admitted to heaven will be many folds similar to the pain caused by divorcé….. (BTW when divorce happens both the husband and wife, regardless of who initiated it suffer great pain).

          So, yes, just as a successful marriage symbolizes the relationship between Christ and His church, divorce also symbolizes Christ and those who will refuse salvation.

          No wonder He hates it (coz He wills everyone be saved).

          3
      5. God hates divorce because it causes violence resulting from ungodliness.

        Here is the evidence:

        We are quick to quote Malachi 2:16 in this manner:
        ‘…… Lord God of Israel says
        That He hates divorce……..’

        While we never ask what precedes the verse.
        I’ll quote the same from vs 13 down to vs 17:

        ‘And this is the second thing you do:
        You cover the altar of the Lord with tears,
        With weeping and crying;
        So He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.
        Yet you say, “For what reason?”
        Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant.
        But did He not make them one,
        Having a remnant of the Spirit?
        And why one?

        He seeks godly offspring.

        Therefore take heed to your spirit,
        And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.
        “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce,
        For it covers one’s garment with violence,”
        Says the Lord of hosts.
        “Therefore take heed to your spirit,
        that you do not deal treacherously.”

        What’s the one justifiable reason for divorce? Matt 5:32 says adultery

        Treachery is betrayal of trust. Some bible versions have used the term unfaithful.

        Let’s bring it home:
        God doesn’t accept the offerings of these guys because they have been unfaithful to their wives/ have dealt with them treacherously.

        Vs 15: Why does God make a couple one when He units them in marriage? Because He wants godly offsprings

        Meaning if a man deals unfaithfully with his wife, the risk there is is having offsprings that are not godly.

        Let’s zoom in on godliness:
        1 Timothy 4:8 – For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come

        Meaning, godliness is the solution to the chaotic life today and it leads to salvation/eternal life.

        How about lack of godliness?
        Rom 1:18
        For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness…… Read it all to vs 32.

        From ungodliness and unrighteousness comes all evils listed in Rom 1- homosexuality,fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:…..

        As in, God joins man and woman into one (in holy matrimony) because He wants godly offsprings.

        The converse is also true, which is summarized in ‘vs 16, which says God hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence.

        How we may ask? Read it as, God hates divorce because it leads to ungodliness….then remember all the evils and violence that results from ungodliness listed above ( Rom 1).

        From this, we can rightfully say that a broken society is as a direct result of broken homes, which result from unfaithfulness between couples.

        When one is unfaithful to his/her spouse, he’s causing divorce, which causes ungodliness which results in all evils in the society.

        So when we read the papers or watch the news and all we see is violence and all manner of evils, just know it starts with the unfaithful spouse.

        To undo all the societal evils, just safeguard the marital bed.

        Notice Malachi 2:13 says the worship and prayers of the guys who deal treacherously with their wives go unanswered.

        Now imagine: prayers are not answered and the offsprings are ungodly. This is basically recipe for a totally broken society: exactly what we have today.

        And this totally broken society is the reason God hates divorce….

        He created man and asked him to be fruitful and multiply and subdue the earth. He created us for prosperity, yet we are self destroying.

        No wonder He’ll cleanse this earth and bring a new earth without all these evils.

        The marriage union leads us to be malleable for God to mould us. That malleability is what opens us to godliness, because we are transformed into God’s image.

        Divorce does the exact opposite. Makes us hardhearted, such that God cannot transform us into His character ie it makes people ungodly, ( deserving God’s wrath according to Rom 1).

        11
        1. “Meaning if a man deals unfaithfully with his wife, the risk there is is having offsprings that are not godly.”
          Sins of the father are passed on to the children. Ratchet father equals ratchet children.

          5
          1. Yes. Divorce causes ungodly children (but of course the grace of the Lord is sufficient).
            If the prayers of the fathers go unanswered, then the society is in shambles.

            Imagine a society where men are not esteemed rightly, because they have proven themselves not worth a high esteem. Who will the children reverence here on earth?

            If the husband represents Christ in a marriage union, and he doesn’t take up his office and represent him rightly, how will the children learn how to honor God?

            Husband misrepresents the character of Christ, the children cannot see the love of Christ and thus they disregard God and godliness (God’s character).

            I don’t think many men understand their position in society. If they did, they’d be careful in their choices and their lifestyles

            Men are to be respected. KJV says they are to be reverenced. That’s giving them great honor…similar to what Sarah gave to Abraham… But respect is earned….and submission is never imposed.

            PS: I studied all this after my divorce.
            One needs to go through some experiences to learn the deeper meaning of that particular situation.

            20
          2. This story jus ended and I feel it stopped flowing somewhere like someone copy pasted and left out some part in error….is it me ama???.. ..

            2
        2. Sorry for the multiple posts of the same above…
          As EmB and Bee…. I was having network interruptions.
          Poleni sana.

          5
      6. God hates divorce because, you take a vow before him that “Till death do us apart”… So God sits at his throne looking down at the two dimwits planning to divorce as asks.. ‘Okey, who of these two dummies id dead? Tell me Abraham, who is dead? they promised..!’

        so, yea, God hates Divorce.
        Cheers!

        1
        1. God hates divorce but two people can not be expected to live and suffer in a loveless marriage. we also know that wants us to lead a happy and fulfilling lives

          1
      1. This is a really intereting read. Tells a lot about intrigues encounyeted in marriage.

        About the character in the story……I think there’s a detour of sort from Pator Gowi. The paragraph…….”How I met this chap who we will call Gadd* is that a friend called me and said, “I know a guy with a good story. Call him, I know you won’t be disappointed.”

        1
      1. Its not Pastor Gowi. You missed this “But today let’s talk about another (former) pastor called Gadd who someone recommended for this series.”

        2
    1. That’s so brave of Gowi the dog castrator!!! I wonder how many pastors would admit hitches in their marriages out here and expose their vulnerabilities…surely life is no ‘repector’ of persons.

      I wish him the very best.

      24
      1. Its not Pastor Gowi, Biko is talking about. You missed this “But today let’s talk about another (former) pastor called Gadd who someone recommended for this series.”

  1. I am surprised that Biko says SDA church service ended at 1pm yet those fellows hang around in their strongly pressed suits till sunset

    36
  2. I don’t have an email notification – because I am not good with suspense. So I usually pop-in over here on Tuesdays around this time and keep refreshing till I see a new article. Today, I found two!!!! It felt like a warm hug from someone I have a crush on! Thanks Biko!

    71
    1. There are women who don’t think much about sex. Sex is a duty. They are born that way. There is no medicine for it. I had a friend who is like that. At first thought it was abnormal then I heard of another one. Its just the way they are.

      25
    2. I for one feel for the guy..hard knock life in the streets and yet so gentle..he never forced his way around her ..he remained loyal amidst the frustration.

      As for the wife I feel she needs help.. Children are such a responsibility. Carrying one, delivery and lactation can wreck havoc on the hormones to a point of no desires.

      We need to hear her side

      But such a gem lost..the fabric he is cut from is rare. They are not made let me him anymore.

      But knowing who God is..for as long as he is in seclusion,seeking Him diligently and still serving..there is a journey he is being taken on. There is a silver lining in the clouds…SOMEHOW.

      33
      1. Biko I love your writing, but this story feels a bit disjointed. Too many gaps… ama you were pressed when writing it? 😀

        1
      2. she felt no need to seek assistance. Admitting there’s a problem is the best step towards looking for a solution.
        She didn’t deserve him, clearly. If his account is true, he did his best, Too bad 🙁

    1. Oh cow… you get a husband who doesn’t cheat ,who provides,sacrifices that much but still the marriage doesn’t work out,anyways si ni life…
      We can’t all get everything…I hope the wife one day realizes what she lost, a gem.

      49
      1. Shee, she’ll probably never realize. Perhaps someone should forward her this blog. But still it’s not a guarantee that she’ll believe what pastor said.

  3. Nice piece right here!
    A reprieve from Wild Goose Chase,
    The big question has always been what do we tell people is the reason why it ended?
    Should people ideally have one mutual reason yet deep inside they all have different opinions?
    For the guy well, it was simply lack of or intermittent sex and the lady i guess lost the spark.
    Such is life lakini,
    Can’t wait for next week’s read!

    4
  4. Of Dogs and Migwatos… Good read

    Sex and intermittent are strange bedfellows you say. Unfortunately they are so common nowadays…

    8
  5. You and your samosa review. Hahaha. This may be my fav story in this series. Also, I did not know we actually have gangs in Kenya… Like organised gangs and turfs and what not. Life truly is for learning! Good day!

  6. I feel sorry for this guy. He’s got everything a man would ask for and yet he’s alone and unhappy. Surely we can’t be blessed in all aspects
    I hope the wife reads this and realizes where she failed him

    5
      1. Yes , you should have been reading carefully.Castrating made the dogs bigger but better still castrating the dog by oneself gave one street cred.

    1. I like this guy. (Aside) can some children in my life interact with his dogs so I can know what they’re thinking and feeling since when you ask them they say ‘hakuna’?

      5
  7. I’m I the only one who notices how Biko struggles with paying attention from his articles
    It’s always a pleasure though

    7
    1. I think he likes to pull our leg on this one. The kind of details he gives and the way he narrates his stories with all the nitty-gritty is enough indication that he’s an attentive person. But then again, I could be wrong.

      3
    2. It’s an inborn trait of great writers/thinkers… their minds flood with thoughts in a random fashion. It explains he’s being unsettled in church or other sitting he has with his audience/interviewees

      1
  8. Great read….But, may I ask, Is this story complete or there is a Season 2 loading somewhere in your keyboard?

    11
    1. So there are men out there who aren’t cheaters who love their families and work hard to give them a good life… I pray that I find one… to enjoy not only migwatos with but life itsel..

      9
      1. When mutually consented and mutually abstained from, yes, it’s magical.

        However, when one party feels deprived, it’s more than just sex. Its total rejection and disregard of the person.
        Denying your spouse sex is cruelty.

        Its not the sex itself….its the people involved and the bond they have.

        It’s so important that even the Bible has something about withholding sex from each other. … It cautions against a couple staying for a long period of time without engaging in it.

        Read 1 Corinthians 7:5……it reads,’ Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent for a time…….

        6
        1. As Wandia pointed out earlier in the comments, A woman carries alot once she becomes a mother…. save for cheating n divorce, what other options may a man pursue to salvage the marriage?

          1. Ideally, a marriage is a two parents affair- mother and father.
            To avoid one being overwhelmed while the other is left out, both parents must intentionally be involved in their children’s up bringing. They must both be present. This will lighten the burden falling on the mother.
            Let the dads be present (as in be within reach and approachable and involved in their children’s affairs). Its unfortunate that many dad’s are always away from home- chasing the dollar and partying with the boys, while the children are deprived off their father’s affection and attention and the mother is overwhelmed.

            Let the man raise up his children. Let dads be dads and moms be moms.

            Concerning household chores, if they can afford a house help, it would also go along way in lightening the woman’s share of responsibilities in the home, given that we now also have working moms.

            Love is patient and understanding. Its also self sacrificing and self giving.

            When she’s not overwhelmed, she’ll have time for romance and the spark will be fireworks.

  9. On my way to work today, i was mindlessly listening to akina Maina Kageni talking about why today’s woman is so loud and shouts all over the place when there are indifference and apparently, one mama who was working for a certain couple suggested that the couple had arguments that were bed related that the woman in that marriage complained that she wasn’t getting reals strokes from the guy.

    Connecting to this story, a woman always wants her guts busted but she is not getting it from the male provider because she has already secured herself in the marriage. Case in point the storo that happened when Ayesha Curry, Steve Curry’s wife, said she wasn’t getting enough attention from other man. The point is, women generally want someone who is going to dominate her sexually and it the alpha type of guys who gets her crazy unlike the beta male provider.

    18
    1. Busting of guts!! If that’s what it takes to save a marriage then better do it! Lol …then again, not all men can bust guts!!!

    2. Not every woman wants her guts bursted.
      Some of us love gentlemen….
      There’s no one custom made way that everyone must fit into…….
      Its about time couples opened up to each other and discuss sex like they discuss finances (if they ever discuss financed) or any other thing they esteem important

      5
  10. Intermittent… That is the word that came to my mind two weeks ago in the emergency room. My brother’s palms and soles felt as such. The coldness and warmth felt so. And he was fading away. I buried him last week. Emerson, my brother.

    8
    1. We are deeply sorry for your loss. Take heart. Life is a journey for everyone, we got to accept, albeit painfully, all that it throws our way.
      PS. I don’t know whether this comes out empathetic. Forgive me if not. I have never known how to grieve for a loss of a loved one. Probably because I lost my parents way too early to experience grief. So I try as much as I can but I know I struggle with it a lot. Sorry nonetheless.

      2
      1. Thank you. Am sorry for your loss too. My parents were my anchor in every way growing up. When I lost my mother, it took me more than a year to begin the grieving process. I think there is no one way to grieve. Grief and loss is personal. It never ends, it takes different shapes and forms. One sure thing though, it changes someone. My perspective of life, love, of people and relationships changed.

        I pray you find that space that allows you to be okay with your way of grief.

  11. I don’t know how I’d live alone, unmarried, not in love, without a woman by my side. But at the same time this marriage stuff scares me shitless

    4
    1. Hence they say marriage is for adults… a constant reminder that this world is not our home and keeps us looking for a better place (heaven)

  12. I have a feeling there is a part II of this story! No, not a perfect ending, I am not expecting that and there ain’t any, anyway! But I am touched. What to say? We all are works in progress. There is no perfect person so there is no perfect marriage. If you ever found one Biko and wrote about, I would have unsubscribed because this blog would have ceased to be authentic and if you ever find one, I don’t want to hear about or read it!
    So, all those folk out there who wanted you to find a ‘better’ story when they read about partners who cheated on the other or those who accepted their cheating partners back had better just appreciate the experiences people are willing to share with Biko so we can all learn, be encouraged and realise that our own experiences, which are difficult from time to time, are not unique. So, thank you Pastor Gowi for being vulnerable and opening up. And thank you Biko for seeking Pastor Gowi out and persuading him to relate his experience to your audience. And yes, church – some churches, that is – may be boring but God certainly isn’t! But the churches that are boring are, because of the people in them and not because of God.

    11
    1. No. This is not about Pastor Gowi. You missed the point at which Biko transitions from talking about Pastor Gowi to talking about the former pastor that he interviewed.
      “Gowi shifted my bar of pastors and so when it was time to interview a pastor or former pastor, I invited him to come to Explorer Bar”.
      See that indefinite article ‘a’? That’s when the story transitioned.

      2
      1. Thank you RNN, I totally missed the turn and found myself elsewhere…… I don’t know how I could have missed it! God, what might Pastor Gowi think of me now? Profuse apologies. Thanks again, RNN, appreciate it..

  13. I wouldn’t want to be in such marriage. Personally I believe sex, regular sex is integral for a successful marriage. I think it’s important that people have lot’s of sex before settling down. If we are not exchanging genital fluids regularly we can’t happen.

    6
  14. I can’t stop thinking about the Cheese samosas. What about the second question, do you nownknownqhy God hates divorce.

    Biko, i know your intent is to communicate a serious message but I mostly see hunoir in your writing. This was, as always, so brilliant.

    1
  15. Oyole or Kayole is my hood,been there for 14 years now and the gang which was hell to deal with is no longer existing ..
    .
    Growing up in these rough neighbourhoods it was never about chasing girls, or trying to impress girls. It was about fighting other boys.

    “We spoke about it one time and she said that the spark was gone from the marriage.
    Migwatos is all in the mind ,no formula by the way.

    He has his dogs now. When his children are over he watches them play with them. He says that he uses the dogs to read his children’s emotions by the way they respond to the dogs.

    *Sigh*

    1
  16. Honesty is one hard nut.It’s a bitter pill.Likewise patience is also a rare jewel that if not searched for in earnest…then I guess Wahenga had this thought quite early…Haraka haina baraka…Silence…Deep,golden silence…It rejuvinates the soul.Good themes.A good read.

    1
  17. Imagine saving yourself for marriage and then you just get intermittent migwatos just for procreation purposes. Sigh.

    5
  18. ”Curse of the Gifted ” what a story ! never imagined their marriage would end coz of migwatos .
    this guys met when they were virgins so their bedroom affairs should have been flaming…..mmmmh .

    1
    1. Who on earth has a cheese samosa? Wharrathose?
      This story is not about Pastor Gowi but somehow most readers have thought it’s about him..so it would be cool if Biko clarified that it’s not about Gowi.
      Thirdly, it doesnt make sense for the protagonist in this story to leave his wife to stay in a huge house with dogs, and his loneliness.
      My two pence: Some ladies maybe due to hormonal imbalances just don’t feel the urge anymore especially after childbirth. It’s sad however that she didn’t try to rectify the situation ie go for counseling, have a gynae administer estrogen shots etc?

  19. Pensive but a good read! Biko I hope this is not a stretch, but I was secretly hoping you could as well fill us in on your experiences in marriage *grins

    1
  20. I have so many questions about their relationship but most burning is how does a couple that didn’t have sex for a no. of years (9 years! ehmm) before marriage have a problem after marriage due to lack of it/ intermittent occurrence? It is obvious , to me, that it was never a sexual relationship from the get go. I am thoroughly baffled by this.

    5
  21. The Pastor talks about ‘foundation’ and Biko did not pick it up… i think the depth of the issue lies herein, it is more fundamental than sex. ..but Biko entertained us with the outer shell while avoiding the depth (for obvious reasons of-course).

    7
  22. hahaha i just thought of tetema. But a woman needs good wamlambez and wamunyonyez, and because she was a quiet one, she clearly never talked much about her needs so she disconnected from him. It happens alot and men just dont get it. They say, she just lost interest in sex… nooo, you stopped tapping into her other needs, women give what they get, give her your seed, nine months later its a baby. Give her love( remember the five love languages) or whatever she deems as love, she will love you loudly, like it will show on her face, a loved and content woman has a certain glow.
    Pastor Gowi, you are one handsome man, totally loving your dimples.

    9
    1. I will keep saying this -You missed the point at which Biko transitions from talking about Pastor Gowi to talking about the former pastor that he interviewed.
      “Gowi shifted my bar of pastors and so when it was time to interview a pastor or former pastor, I invited him to come to Explorer Bar”.
      See that indefinite article ‘a’? That’s when the story transitioned.

      1
  23. When you are raised in church you struggle to believe later on; you find gaps in the Bible, the church leaders, and just about everything. And creative people have very bad attention spans.

    2
  24. that dude is getting migwatos from his flock or elsewhere. no way you can survive all these years, alafu live alone, assist your dogs to mate and be celibate like the Unsullied.
    saving face is important, but pudesh is importanter.

    3
  25. There’s definitely a season 2, this just to prepare ‘the nation’ for the upcoming nuptials #TheRemake (just my thoughts)
    On a different note, how’s *Guy?

  26. I can relate.
    I am female, and my marriage also ended because it was a sexless marriage as well….. But for my case, I knew Mr. Ex-hubby was sleeping around and even washed semen stains off his trousers.

    The rejection! Terrible. It transcends more that jut sexless…..its more of lack of intimacy …and by intimacy I mean at all levels: emotional, psychological, physical everything……you are just disjoined…..

    Two wheels on the same axle but each moving at its own independent impulse.

    That’s not a marriage…it’s an illusion.

    8
  27. Biko, as always, a great piece of writing. My own story, long incubating, is en route. Kindly hold the doors open a wee bit longer. Aaand, with this commitment, I now feel confident enough to ask, did you proof-read this piece before hitting the Send button? There is a multitude of untypical typos. Or your mind wandered off, as happens regularly to many, if not most, of us?

  28. it sucks that they couldn’t work it out. maybe he should have discussed with her the option of an open marriage?hehehe sometimes a little jealousy is the spark needed to jump start a sexless marriage. but don’t all marriages end up sexless eventually? i doubt people married for 50yrs are doing it even yearly. He will meet another woman and in 20 yrs be in a sexless marriage. he should have hang in there. sex really isn’t everything,its not worth your kids being raised in a broken home. as long as there is mutual respect and love,physical attraction and sparks fade for both men and women. whats important is companionship.

    1
  29. Oh dear! This right here sounds like a good man who was in for the long haul….can’t help wondering why she let him go so easily…..

  30. This level of vulnerability is heavenly.However it is a hard place to be in when you don’t know when the spark died and who killed.This life is LIFE-we our here are mostly winging it
    Good story-we appreciate

    1
  31. Maybe she could tell her side of the story when we get to “Women and Marriage” soon. The story leaves some gaps to be filled up; like there’s a part two.

    All said and done, today marriages leave a lot to be desired!!!!!

    3
    1. Curse of the gifted due to societal expectations. Personally I would have sex outside marriage. We make having “cheating” a very big deal, yet sex does not mean we stop loving the other person. The victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage. Therefore assuming all else was okay. I would happily cheat. If only for my kids sake.

  32. What if she is asexual and slept with him bc of societies expectations and norms? Once they had kids, society was at peace but they were not. Living life living up to other people expectations is horrific. And these are convos you have before marriage, before sex especially so you know if you are on the same page. Also being asexual does not mean you dont want marriage or intimacy, it just might not come in the form of penetration. There were other ways to work on this issue.

    1
  33. There’s three sides to every story- his, hers and the truth. A woman doesn’t just go off sex. There’s got to be a reason. I only blame her for not going to counseling when he suggested it. They would have probably had to work through some murky waters to get to terra firma and probably save their marriage…or not, but at least he wouldn’t be having all these unanswered questions. Sex for men is priority 1. Without it they feel unloved. Love, for women is priority 1. Without it, there’s no sex or it’s a drag… another duty to perform.

    3
  34. damn!!! dating for nine years without sex for the marriage to fail. this world is not our home aki. Nice read though.

    4
    1. I kind of feel it for the pastor but also as a woman I empathise with the wife. As an African society and especially church folk we have been taught to shy away from talking about sex. The woman might have been finding the sex bad or even aggressive but for fear of hurting his ego said nothing about it and instead lessened their sex frequency. Communication in marriage especially about topics like sex and how to achieve satisfaction from both partners would have saved this marriage and many other marriages. However love and the spark in marriage is kept by more than sex. Making deliberate efforts to connect with your partner on all fronts will sure keep the spark alive. But I wish the pastor all the best in his love journey.

      1
  35. Lost sparks and untouched nuts. I really hoped they’d work past it but oh well, it is what it is.
    Great read as always.

  36. Lena .am so sorry for your loss..
    I also truly believe that it’s us the people that make church boring GOD ISN’T.
    My heart goes out to both the couple, how each unmet ,unspoken need could be the very mole that would move the mountain.
    Passenger the singer once said the very thing that brought you close could also be the very thing that breaks you .

  37. Biko, can we get her side of the story. Am glad Pastor walked out,too many stay in unhappy relationships becoz church does not allow divorce.But I would like to hear her side of the story

    3
  38. This has me all sorts of confused. May the Lord help us to remember he started the marriage institution and to understand why.

  39. Biko,
    I have walked with you in this men and marriage series, I was very excited about it with the thought that marriage would be great according to men side of view, you know we women and our irrational thoughts .
    I understand this is a sample of men who wanted to give a story of what they have gone through, but I am disappointed. The happy marriage story broke my heart the most.
    I am now debating whether I will strictly follow women in marriage starting the other half of the year, I don’t know if we shall have more of ‘udaku’ stories ..(you know, we women) or we shall have professional women with good English and mastery of putting stories together giving their experiences.
    Anyway, I as a single lady… #disappointed, sad and hopeless of this marriage institution…

    3
  40. I think in her own little christian mind, sex is not meant for enjoyment but recreation. Maybe she feels it is sinful unless there is a purpose for it, procreation. Just saying……

    1
  41. Marriage is complicated…there are no manuals. I feel this story…I am this story…it shall come to pass like this story.

    1
    1. Pole. I feel you.
      There are many sexless marriages. Only that people never come out to talk about it.

      Am a girl and I was in one….I had to walk out.

      Yes, even men can refuse to (its not just one way).

      1
        1. It does. Its unfortunate…..
          The rejection is painful..

          My case was worse…. He denied me, yet he was not faithful….

          I even had to put a mandatory hug rule- that he had to hug me every morning before leaving the house and evening when he came back…… eventually it was more of an insult to me, coz I would put my hands around his neck and he’d just bend downwards for me to reach him and that was it. He wouldn’t put his arms around me.

          I went into depression…. At some point I was suicidal.

          Eventually I had to leave for my own sanity’s sake…..

          Its a horrible experience

          4
  42. I have always used ( and love it) the word bugger on people, but then, I came to find out the word is not so that appealing, should I stop or go on now that I know Biko also uses the word? Guys advise

    bugger
    /ˈbʌɡə/
    VULGAR SLANG•BRITISH
    noun
    1.
    used as a term of abuse, especially for a man.
    2.
    a person who penetrates the anus of someone during sexual intercourse.
    verb
    1.
    penetrate the anus of (someone) during sexual intercourse.
    2.
    cause serious harm or trouble to.
    exclamation
    1.
    used to express annoyance or anger.

    1
  43. Biko, today you have finished me! This storo has unlocked something in me. But also it has given me shock coz he used to be my pastor and I didn’t know. Wah!
    Thank you so much Biko and Pasi for sharing.

  44. I am asking myself; this woman is a church person where they frequently give all these talks on relationships and the one thing really hyped about in those sessions is sex…so what exactly happened to her?

  45. Biko, what do you mean you have not heard of Thogoto? That’s Scotland in Kikuyu accent…I am hurt…☹ that’s my base!

    5
  46. Great story from a pastor whom we always look at as perfect and having everything well put together. May he find love

    1
  47. These modern marriages zina maneno. Its frightening to know that these guys got married in 2005. Am not sure what will happen to millennial marriages where both husband and wife are taught to be un-apologetically and intentionally selfish in their pursuits and priorities.

    Its also frighteningly awful to see the disdain and dishonor that that anonymous pastor has for cheese samosas!

    5
  48. If everything else was okay except sex, then this guy should have stayed at least for the kids and hope things become better, coz either way he’s not getting the migwatos… or maybe he is, who knows?

    1. You have no idea what you are talking about.

      You’d rather live alone than live with rejection.

      I hope you’ll never experience this…..coz its very painful and depressing.
      Take it from me. I know how it feels.

      8
      1. Sorry Bee! You seem to have gone through hell. Hope you have recovered and things have normalize. Thanks for coming out strongly to share and educate the rest of us. Asante

        1
  49. Can I just post an unpopular opinion about chastity?

    Well, we are sexual beings and sometimes you preserve yourself to your marriage detriment (sorry, not sorry). Its easier for a couple that has done it before to understand each other sexually than a couple experiencing sex for the first time – while trying to learn the partners sex anatomy. How can you please another person when you do not even know yourself?? The church shames sex to the point when one gets married, they are still shy to be adventurous and explore.
    I cannot wait for the women and marriage series because there is so much the men take for granted in matters sex. Hoping someone will demystify to men why sex for a woman is more than the physical act.

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  50. “Bitter? These are emotions that I only now people assign to childhood experiences. It was life how we knew it; your father left, you remained with your mother, nobody tried to interpret that because it wasn’t something uncommon. It was life. In Eastlands there was no time to process bitterness. It was life”.

    This is true for me and people say I have suppressed feelings… Hell no. I’m cool.

    Thank you Biko.

    1
  51. Am I the only one wishing he’d have stayed?What’s the need of separating when you don’t have an alternative?but again,what do I know?

  52. Pastor Gowi is my childhood friend. I know his family, his son plus his wife. I went to the same primary school with him. Why is the above story strange? He didn’t grow up in Dandora. He is still married. He has one child, a boy.He has not been a pastor with Mavuno. He has been a pastor with Nairobi Chapel in their several church plants. He doesn’t rear dogs. He doesn’t live on Ngong road. He attended the prestigious Nairobi school. He didn’t go to university in Kenya. He studied in the US. Biko, why is this story falsified?

    1. Nothing falsified. You missed the point at which Biko transitions from talking about Pastor Gowi to talking about the former pastor that he interviewed.
      “Gowi shifted my bar of pastors and so when it was time to interview a pastor or former pastor, I invited him to come to Explorer Bar”.
      See that indefinite article ‘a’? That’s when the story transitioned.

      2
    2. Why is the story falsified?
      It is not.
      It is not about Gowi. See this line?
      “Gowi shifted my bar of pastors and so when it was time to interview a pastor or former pastor, I invited him to come to Explorer Bar”.
      The indefinite article ‘a’ and the ‘him’ in the second sentence refers to the interviewee, not to Pastor Gowi. You get it now?

    1. You missed the point at which Biko transitions from talking about Pastor Gowi to talking about the former pastor that he interviewed.
      “Gowi shifted my bar of pastors and so when it was time to interview a pastor or former pastor, I invited him to come to Explorer Bar”.
      See that indefinite article ‘a’? That’s when the story transitioned

    1. Haha. This story is not about Pastor Gowi though. It is about a pastor that Biko interviewed because Pastor Gowi had raised the pastors’ bar, according to Biko.

      1. RNN Congratulations!!!!!
        You are a patient person. By the way Imani, when you felt the story wasn’t adding up you should have just gone back to the beginning. If I were Biko, I wouldn’t take it well calling my story falsified.

  53. nice piece, i love the way you’ve narrated the whole story, i was kind seated beside you waiting for the pastor to comment on the samosa

  54. is it just me or do y’all believe in sex before marriage? i have to know your potential before you subject me to intermittent fasting. i feel for that man kabisa, abstaining for nine years before marriage and another ten years after marriage?! and he never raped her?!

    1
  55. “Gowi shifted my bar of pastors and so when it was time to interview a pastor or former pastor, I invited him to come to Explorer Bar.”

    Gad was the other ex pastor whose story is featured not Pastor Gowi right?.
    See how we failed English ..

    1
  56. I’m amazed at the number of people who read this and concluded it is a story about Pastor Gowi.
    They completely missed the transition:
    “Gowi shifted my bar of pastors and so when it was time to interview a pastor or former pastor, I invited him to come to Explorer Bar”.

    The indefinite article ‘a’ and the ‘him’ in the second sentence refers to the interviewee, not to Pastor Gowi.
    See what difference an ‘a’ can make? BTW, this is how rumours are generated! 🙂

    5
    1. true Njeri, I’m just glad we mentioned our lack of understanding here and got clarification here as well. No room for rumors right?

    2. As I was going through the comments, I was also surprised that quite a number people missed that Biko was now talking about someone other than Pastor Gowi.
      Watu walianguka kizungu.

      1
    3. Comprehension skills are quite rare as you can tell. Like people completely failed to see the transition. I guess those comprehension classes in school did nothing for many people.

  57. So true….. get into marriage without expectations….marriage can be scary as F***.
    Whatever her interpretation of marriage means…..it cannot be without shagging. I’m yet to understand the gist behind women who completely switch off their sexual needs.

  58. I know of Ombidho gang of komarock sadly most of them are gone the lucky ones got out. Nic read cant wait for episode two

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  59. If there is something I have come to understand about men is that when it comes to bedroom matters is that they are all the same whether they are Christian or not (even the pastors). They all want to get laid frequently because that’s just how they were created. Unfortunately, Christian women don’t seem to understand this, and I think its because growing up sex was made to look dirty so women get into marriage with that mentality. If you are a married woman can you give it up for your husband. Btw even the Holy Spirit will give you ideas on what makes your man tick because sex was created to be enjoyed in marriage.

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  60. Hi . I do believe that going to church really helps us to overcome some temptations of this world. We are able to surrender to God and He takes over our challenges. Let us learn to humble ourselves before God and we shall be exalted in His due time.

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  61. Hi Biko, this is quite interesting, kindly requesting for a follow up to this story, so many unanswered questions, are they divorced or separated, if divorced does he want to get married again, or is he hoping they will rekindle things with the wife, is he sure the wife was not cheating?, please consider a part 2

    1
  62. Questions:

    1. Are separated or divorced.
    2. Why did the wife behave that way? What was the problem?
    3. Do a part two for us.

    1
  63. I remember the Ombidho gang. BAAAAAAAAD guys. Actually, one of the early sheng names for ‘gun’ was derived from this gang’s name. (kiombidho) Glad to hear one of the members still lives. And turned out alright. More or less.

  64. If God hates divorce, yet he created us to enjoy sex, but maybe your spouse wont sleep with us, and you cant have an affair because that is adultery . I am confused, sex is beautiful, and I lived 16 years of my life with a closet gay man who only ever slept with me like once a year, and now if I have sex with another man am an adultress. I dont understand why He gives me a burden too heavy to carry.

    1. The closet gay guy must have been getting his sexual satisfaction outside your marriage. That’s what is termed as adultery. Meaning, the marriage was compromised back then.

      If this is the case, you have a valid reason for divorce, because the guy was unfaithful to you. You are allowed to divorce, even if God hates divorce.

      As in, God would love every marriage to remain intact. But when adultery is involved, He allows divorce (even though it pains Him much to see us hurt because of divorce…..and it hurts both the man and woman involved regardless of the cause)

      Adultery is sex outside of marriage. And your marriage ended…..as in it reached the minimum threshold allowable for divorce.
      For you not to counted an adulteress, remarry and enjoy sex within the confines of a marriage.

      1
  65. What if she is a lesbian? What if despite that she still decided to get married & have children(whether to meet societal expectation or it’s her desire)? Is she safe to come out with this in our society (or assuming it’s any other issue society may not accept but will instead condemn her)? At times people have reasons for not wanting to come out though they clearly know the reasons for their actions e.g. shame, backlash etc

  66. It’s the same bible that says that dogs will never enter the kingdom of God. Poor creatures.Does God hate dogs like he hates divorces? Unless dogs is a code word for other things as ”the apple” is for for sex.

  67. Marriage without a spark after nine years of dating and chilling all the time with pure abstinence?

    They were incompatible right from the word go. That wasn’t dating but wasted opportunity because their incompatibility should have been obvious to both of them.

    They held onto a dead relationship for the longest time.

    Dating is supposed to help in uncovering such issues yet for them it ended up making them develop more of a sister and brother bond , bed fellows and room mates in the long run.

    Am also wondering how he was in love with his dogs and not with his wife, on the flip side i would want to know what she fell in love with and how the spark just died for both of them.

    This story somehow feels incomplete with glaring gaps how was their dating life like what did they do for fun to take away the temptations of consummating their relationship. Kwani they are not normal human beings with normal feelings? Did they ever talk about sex, did they have premarital counseling , did they know what to expect

    Now how this sex that was parked for 9 yrs just went from a positive cloud nine to a negative zero needs to be unraveled. Before batteries switch off completely they at least flicker for a while.

    Biko am waiting for part two

  68. Maybe she is simply gay. I think she could have done better than that, bought the KY Gel, fake orgasms etc until sh eis ready to face what she is really dealing with.
    These people who think this story is about Gowi ( I agree Biko, totally hilarious) who do they think Gaad is? Ama they didn’t see that.

  69. This shit of marriage without sex is depressing. Are there any couples who have it frequently – even if it’s once a week? How do they keep the fire burning? I think the lady in the streets and the freak in the sheets is a damn lie, well in marriages that is.

    Thanks for these articles on men & marriages. Helps to know ain’t the only one with marriage difficulties. Looking forward to the women & marriages.

  70. Biko, great read as usual. Also, i chose to believe there are people out here who are happily married without all the drama that am constantly reading on men and marriage, please would you reach out to them? Just some happy stories to encourage us that are in marriages. We are happy and thriving but i have been married for just 3 years, we need to see more happy stories of guys who have been married for 10+ years.

    3
      1. I really don’t think they are that few. Marriages are like planes, you only get to hear about the ones that crashed. I’m sure there are plenty of happy married couples who are able to work out and solve their problems.

  71. Years in a marriage without Sex. The fact that you didn’t sleep around is pretty impressive. Sleeping with multiple women can bring throw your life in disarray, kismat. Some women have bad vibes and not good spirits that can rub on you. Big up my brother.

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  72. I am sure so many other pastors are reading this and saying to themsleves, “Damn! this is me”

    Look, we are all humans and prone to the struggles in life. Life will forever throw curves and zig zags as us, all we need to do is to learn how to swerve. And if we fall, we MUST and SHOULD always wake up and move on.

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  73. For the first year after getting their baby they didn’t have migwatos. Of course he was frustrated sexually… Biko, if we intent to keep the secrete from children you should have said “he was frustrated migwotally” Ha

    1. I have a feeling women and marriage will be even more depressing. Women go through a lot in the hands of evil men

  74. This story feels incomplete, maybe we need to hear her side? I dont know…..its just….incomplete or maybe it is the way it has been written? Same as Drunk the book and same as Impervious the play…..Or is it the Biko effect?

  75. Man, God hates divorce reason why He did not destroy the devil till he is proven to be a rebel and beyond. Secondly, marriage should remind humanity of the great marriage between Jesus and man. It should be done out of selflessness… Finally, when did Christianity change from serving God to self? The reason why you left SDA is still petty to me.

  76. I have a feeling women and marriage will be even more depressing. Women go through a lot in the hands of evil men

  77. ……………………………but the church was full of hot women and I don’t know if other men struggle with this, but don’t you feel really guilty looking at a hot girl in church and thinking, “Oh, I’m really going to burn for this?” – This is soooo funny and I am still smiling because I know as a man yeah I find myself struggling here too! We are so weak.
    Our Saviour Jesus has something to say about this specific thing but then there is much more to it. I don’t think we will burn for looking at hot chics on Sunday – but for not repenting and believing and accepting Him – well that is a different story and its probably not for smiling. I started taking courses at a Bible school after joining a Bible study group and listening to others in the group, I realised how little I knew about Scripture. Bible school/ Scripture knowledge is not just for Pastors, Priests etc although naturally this is what everyone assumes including myself once upon a time

    1. Stay strong Ariada…. You are not alone…
      Many have experienced this…..
      You will meet someone who loves and appreciates you.
      Its painful and the worst experience.
      Its psychological abuse, to say the least… But we somehow emerge stronger….. The refiners fire purges the dirt and leaves a pure metal… Shine and glitter… You are valuable.

      1
        1. @Bee you have been consistent in giving solid and relevant advice that also has a scriptural basis! Your experience moulded you to speak into such life situations. More grace to you and may healing spring forth!

          1
      1. @Bee you have been consistent in giving solid and relevant advice that also has a scriptural basis! Your experience moulded you to speak into such life situations. More grace to you and may healing spring forth!

        1
  78. As believers, church attendance is important. a church is a place we can all come together to worship, be encouraged, and learn from God’s words for spiritual growth and learning from one another.

    Hebrews 10:24-25 says “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” verse 25 says “not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”..stay blessed

  79. Sex is like communion (the body of Christ-the church, partaking the ‘bread and wine-body of Christ and his blood)
    and the bond tripartite(body,soul,spirit) mirroring yet not perfect like the Trinity .
    Unless there was something selfish like masturbation that can cause a woman to dishonor her husband esp where he self pleases and goes to her to complete the act which is disgusting as opposed to the Biblical way where the man is ravished,intoxicated with her love ,he yearns for her and she relentlessly gives of herself to him.