Full Cycle

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She preferred to write an email with her story because – in her own words – she has an “image” of me and she doesn’t want to “spoil the romance” she has with me in her head. She says she is afraid if she meets me I may turn out to be a “stumpy, dishevelled writer in an old t-shirt.” (Because what else can a writer be other than stumpy dishevelled and in an old t-shirt?). 

So I sexied up her emails into a story and, in revenge, intruded in her story with my own voice. 

  ***

My first husband left me. I was a dutiful wife. Dutiful and foolish and in love. I should have known it was doomed from the start. But what did I know, I was young and dutiful and foolish. I was only 20-years old. He was 11 years older than me. I loved that he knew things I didn’t. Bouncers knew him. That was a big thing back in the day, for a bouncer to know you. I came to Nairobi a very docile girl from Eastern Kenya. I was in the big city, in university, bewildered by the city’s bright lights. I had only five dresses, three pairs of shoes and a few terrible pairs of jeans. Whereas I was the village beauty who was also intelligent, I found myself ugly and shady in the city. The girls in university, UoN, were so gorgeous, so sophisticated. They wore lipstick. The very first time I saw anyone in high heels was in the university, it was a girl called Dorty. We all wanted to be Dorty. But Dorty was also shagging a married man who worked for a car dealership in town that sold Peugeot cars. This was back in the day, pre-mobile phones, pre-internet, when shagging a married man was an extreme sport and heavily frowned upon. You were a whore for it. 

Whereas boys would fight for me in the village, nobody looked at me here in the city. I was disillusioned. I met him in my second year, after I was convinced that I was not beautiful. He seemed to like me. He said it was love at first sight, but men will say anything to get in your pants. I had been warned about Nairobi guys. I was a virgin because back then you kept your virginity for the most deserving man. Only the most deserving man would often turn out to be the least deserving. But he had a car. A car! He came with it to the university to visit me. I felt so special, like a girl in a fairy tale. Suddenly girls who never used to speak to me now wanted to be my friends. I had some money and together with a friend we would go to Gikomba to shop for clothes. My wardrobe filled with more dresses and better jeans. My heart filled with love. My life filled with hope. 

I loved how, when driving, he would take turns into streets and effortlessly navigate neighbourhoods. He was like a dog who knew his way home. Whereas I was bewildered and intimidated by the maze of Nairobi – these streets, these estates, these roads – he seemed to have an internal map in his body that just found the way. I can smell the car now if I close my eyes and remain still; heated leather. It smelled aspirational. I liked how he would drive with one hand on the steering wheel, the other holding the back of my chair, sometimes his thumb brushing against the back of my neck. That would get me so hot. I had a man. With a car. In Nairobi. 

I was always afraid that my girlfriends would take him away from me because some were prettier and some of them grew up in the city. I was afraid he would find them his type, finding things in common with them. So, I would never leave him unattended with them. I treated him like a purse.  But you know how men are, he still somehow shagged one of my friends, a slutty girl called Hellen who went about with short skirts over her thunder thighs. I didn’t let go of him when I discovered, but I let go of Hellen. 

I was taller than my first husband. You don’t think that would be a problem but it became a problem later. Because I came from the village and I was fascinated by high-heels, I wanted to buy 2,000 pairs of high-heels and walk everywhere with them and even sleep in them. I would wear high-heels to the village at the end of my semester. I look at my pictures from university and my heart breaks for myself. I can’t have those pictures in the public domain. That wasn’t me. I was shady. But I had a man. A man with a car. So when I moved in with him in my final year of uni and he told me he didn’t like me in high heels I stopped wearing them when I was with him. I was still slightly taller than him even without heels and I was surprised he didn’t ask me to stop wearing my legs.

When I moved in with him I discovered two things about my first husband; one, the car wasn’t his. Two; his mother was the devil. By this time, it was already too late; I was hopelessly in love. I believed in marriage. I believed in soulmates. Who needed a car, we would walk together. His mother thought I didn’t deserve her son. Me; tall and beautiful and dutiful with an important degree, didn’t deserve her son! I think mothers think too highly of their sons. Especially mothers of useless sons. I was that girl who believed in turning the other cheek, so I kept turning the other cheek for her to whack. I kept turning my cheek and she kept slapping me harder, hoping I’d leave. One day she stopped. I stayed. She became nicer to me. Nicer here is remembering my name and actually not treating me like a curtain rod. We had a baby when I was 24. Then I miscarried at 26, because God was making me lighter for the hard times to come. Then one day, my husband left and moved in with a girl who he had initially introduced as his cousin. He left with all his clothes and his suitcase. 

Of course I was devastated. This was the love of my life. I was dutiful and foolish and in love. I begged him to come back. I camped outside the gate of my mother-in-law and she treated me like I was those madhes who look for day-work. Eventually she talked to me through the gate, me, who had her grandson. She said that she couldn’t interfere with whatever was happening in my marriage. What a laugh. This devil. Now she couldn’t interfere in my marriage. 

I had a decent job, but I couldn’t afford the rent and food and all that, so I moved out of our house when I realised my first husband wasn’t coming back. I couldn’t afford it. Some mornings I’d be at the bus-stage waiting for a matatu to take me to work and I’d see him and his new wife going to work in her silver car. It would ruin my whole day. I still loved him. I wanted him back. I would ask his friends if he talks about me. They’d lie to me, that he was making a mistake, that the other woman was a floozie and he’d get bored, realise his folly and come running into my arms. Men will tell you anything. I bet they would tell me these things and go and have drinks with him in his new wife’s house and compliment him on his choice. When we got mobile phones two years later, I got his number and I would call his number at night with my number withheld and hear his sleepy voice. Imagine how desperate that is; two year hang-ups. I had become a stalker. 

Then I started dating a man who worked at the airport. He’s the one who got me in my first plane. To Kisumu. It’s the first time I ever heard the word “turbulent.” It’s the only word I remember from that flight. He kept saying it. He was luo. He was loud. He was colourful. He was funny. He loved football – the type who diligently went to the stadium. He was tall with a small potbelly because he loved his beer. He was a joyous man and he made me forget my first husband. He was the bridge that I walked over from heartbreak. It was also really nice being with someone I wasn’t taller than for a change. I bought more high heels. I towered over people again. I rose. He called me sweet useless names like, “yadh chunya.” to mean, “the medicine of my heart.” I was medicine now. It got into my heart that I had the power to heal hearts. A Luo man will turn you into anything; medicine, a tree, a boat, a spoon and you will still feel beautiful. You will feel like the most beautiful spoon in the world of spoons. He will make you believe you are everything when he wants to. He told me he would marry me but he didn’t, obviously, (he’s still not married to date, at 51) which was a tragedy because my son adored him. Instead, I married a man from the coast, who was the complete opposite of the Luo and, to a great extent, my first husband.

My second husband was quiet and mild-mannered and honest. He worked with Barclays. He wore ties to work and polished his own shoes. I liked how his face contorted in rapt concentration whenever he’d polish his shoes while wearing his white vest. His mother was very kind to me. I bullied him into giving me a big wedding partly because I think I deserve a wedding, I’m a catch; I’m beautiful and smart and hardworking.  I also think every woman who wants a wedding deserves a wedding. The other reason was because I wanted to make the Luo and my first husband jealous. I know, childish and idle. I had gotten over my first husband, obviously, but I kinda still liked the Luo, or the idea of him. I still liked the idea of being someone’s heart medicine. Do you know how powerful that is? Did I also mention that he was funny? I missed the laugh. My first husband was as funny as a can of expired beans. My second, no better. I love to laugh. People say that they can hear me laugh from the gate. I laugh while watching movies, so much so that I have to pause it. You don’t want to take me to a funny movie in the theater. 

The wedding was amazing. It didn’t rain. The grass was a shade of green I have never seen again. Everybody from Makueni came. My mother danced with my new husband’s pimp-ish looking uncle and my father sulked, refusing to eat his dessert. 

My second husband was really nice. I was the bad one. I was bad because I was bored. The marriage felt like sitting in a waiting room without any paintings or windows or magazines. And your phone is dead. So you just sit there and wait and wait for something exciting to happen. I tried reading books on how to spice up your marriage: Seven Principles On How To Make Your Marriage Work by Gottman; Spice Up, 28 Day Adventure by Lord someone. Nothing happened. Well, something happened, I got another son. Then I became fat. My arms jiggled like jelly. My ass felt like a trampoline. My stomach was hideous. Stretch marks ran around my thighs like internet cables. But my second husband didn’t seem to mind. You know who else never seemed to mind? The luo guy. 

Through that fatness, through the leaking milk in my blouse, I wanted to feel sexy. I tried running. Fail. I tried gym. Fail. I tried to diet. Fail. I could put on weight by reading the ingredients of the contents of tins. I was desperate and unhappy and maybe depressed post second baby and somehow I started talking to the Luo guy because he had a way of making me laugh and telling me all these things about medicine and spoons and come on, a girl needed to hear these things. But I didn’t shag him. Not immediately. I shagged him when my son was two years old, after 7,000 litres of coffee, and 579 plates of lunches and one trip to Nakuru and back where he drove the whole way back with his hand on my thigh. I had lost weight by this time. I was sexy as hell. Okay, I wasn’t, but I was not fat anymore. He told me I had “grown into my womanhood.” Wouldn’t you believe anybody who told you that, especially someone who calls you “yadh chunya.”  

My second husband was away when I shagged him. He was working in a different town and he would only come back twice a month. Sometimes once. I didn’t shag him because I was sexually starved. I didn’t shag him because my second husband was bad in bed (quite to the contrary). I didn’t shag him because I was unhappy. The reason why I shagged him was because I was sitting in the waiting room with no magazines, waiting for something exciting to happen. And nothing was happening. 

Then my second husband found out, in the silliest of ways. The car tracker. My car was down and I was using his car which he had left behind. He drove a big car, a Prado, which was prone to theft, so he had put a tracker and didn’t tell me. He didn’t need to tell me because he didn’t think his wife was going to this one particular house in this one particular estate during office hours. These quiet men. They can know something like this and not say a word. He is a patient man, my second husband, because when he discovered he did his homework for two months and finally caught me. It was ugly. Very ugly. He hit me. The quiet men – those are the most volatile ones. He hit me so hard I felt my jaw shift to the back of my head like your would twist your bra around. He hit me so hard I blacked out. When I came to, I was divorced. I don’t have many regrets in life, but losing my second husband is a big contender because it was so unnecessary,  I should have just been content with being the medicine of the Luo man’s heart and not feed him medicine. Unbeknownst to me, he had truly introduced me to turbulence those years back. 

So now there I was having worked my way through two husbands; one from central, another from coast. You’d imagine that now I was free to be the Luo’s medicine. To go over at his “villa mi casa” as he’d call his rented house. (He was extra that man). I didn’t. I was resentful towards him. He was sorry. He would call and say, “Yaye, yadh chunya, come we speak over this over coffee. Come, jaber.” All these sweet things. I wanted to run to him, but I resented him and my heart was ruined. I was damaged by my second husband leaving. He was such a great man. 

You would think that I’d focus on my sons now. You’d think think I would be one of those women who say, “I’m not getting into anything until my sons get to university.” No. I figured when my sons got to university, my boobs would have dropped and my ass sagged and no man would want to look at me. To my credit I waited for two years for my second husband to take me back. I pleaded almost daily. I wrote letters. I sent emissaries. I called until he blocked me. Then he unblocked me because he loves his sons (yes, he took my first as his own), and he would talk to them on the phone often.

I waited until I learnt from his sister who only told me this because she now hated me, that he was getting married. I cried that day. And I cried even more the day of his wedding. I know this will make me sound unstable, but I crashed the wedding. I wore red high-heels like a psychopath and I showed up without an invitation card just to see for myself that he was indeed gone, and to see this woman who he had married. Unfortunately, she was stunning. She was also tall. I think he was looking for me in her, I consoled myself. I ate their cake. That’s how masochistic I was. I was tempted to join the dance but that would have drawn attention to myself. But I commandeered a whole bottle of wine while seated at the back of the room, looking like a fugitive. I got zonked.  

Then I went back home and cried some more. My cries woke up my son who came to my room at 11pm and asked me why I was crying. I was tipsy, so I told him that I was crying because Dad had gotten married to someone else. He was now a young man, almost a teen, and so he stood there and said nothing. He was embarrassed for me. He said, “Don’t cry,” and he left, closing my bedroom door. 

In the morning I was so embarrassed I wanted to move out and never come back. But when I woke up he had made sausages for me and covered them on a plate in the dining room. I cried again. I laugh a lot and I cry a lot. 

Two years ago I met my third husband. We moved in a year after dating. He’s divorced. He’s someone’s castaway as I am two people’s castaway. We are all someone’s castaway. He had lost his business and I met him when he was broke. He had also had a tough marriage. It’s tough for men who are broke in marriages. They bring their ego into it. They imagine that we look at them and think of them in terms of money. Money helps, but money comes and money goes but people remain. 

When I met him his self-esteem was wrecked. He was like a stray dog. His broken bits resonated with me, this inadequacy. It was something I had gone through. He held up his mirror of pain and I saw myself in it. It didn’t matter to me that he was younger than me by three years, it didn’t matter that he had three of his own kids. I warmed up on the fire his sadness emitted. I saw through it and discovered that he was a sweet man who was dealt a bad card. So he moved in with me a year ago. I don’t want to formalise it because I’m afraid it will jinx it. But technically isn’t that husband number three?

I married all these men because I love being married. I’m that woman who is always defending marriage at a table of marriage cynics, those who claim marriage is dead.  I love being asked to be someone’s wife. I love belonging to a man. I love knowing that my husband refers to me as his wife at work or in the bar or whenever he’s talking to an insurance guy selling him a medical cover. I love being Mrs someone. I don’t mind dropping one of my names and using a man’s name. I don’t do hyphens. I do your name. I own it. 

I love knowing that I woke up next to a man in the morning, my man. I love the smell of my man in our bed. I want to be the one who knows where your socks are. I want to be the one who reminds you that your dentist appointment is due. I want to be the one who throws away your old trousers that you insist on hanging on to. I like to know what a man will eat for dinner. To plan for holidays. To fight about money or some useless thing. I like when we all sit in the car to go to church and you are driving with one hand on the steering wheel and another behind my headrest. It seems to say, ‘This is my woman, and those little people at the back are my tribespeople.” I want to be the medicine of a man’s heart. The spoon in his soup. The boat in his water. 

If this marriage fails [touch wood], I will try again. I will keep trying until I’m 80 because I’m a woman who loves to be married. 

***

*Edited: Registration is still open for the Creative Writing Masterclass. It will be on the 4th to 6th December, few slots remaining. To register please email info@bikozulu.co.ke 

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388 Comments
    1. This irked me and thought of my son…how dare she call someone’s son useless..if someone called mine that way.Well let me not say what I would do)))0

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    2. Haha i am a mother of all boys and this got me laughing honestly. we mothers really do think highly of our sons. if we dont who else will..its a cruel world out here. with such statements as proof

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    3. Whereas it’s difficult for most women to find a suitable / potential mate after a first failed relationship (read, baby involved) ,this sister has made through to third. What’s the secret?

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  1. Quite a spirit there! She blames herself too much, the woman. Does she realize that that conditional love about must get married will always break her. Love easy with your heart, marriage is but a risk.

    27
  2. This one is all about spoons and medicine.
    The Luo guy really got her revved up.
    Beautiful read.
    I wouldn’t blame her for wanting marriage so intensely.
    She likes owning and being owned

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  3. Oh my goodness!
    It’s so refreshing to hear a woman say that she loves to be someone’s wife so proudly.

    My favourite line: Money helps, but money comes and money goes but people remain.

    Is it just me or was everyone else reading the luo bits in a Luo accent?
    I’m not Luo and I was doing that.

    I hope your marriage lasts.
    And if it doesn’t and he marries someone else, touches wood, please don’t crash the wedding. A second time will look really bad.

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  4. That second marriage ending was truly unnecessary. I kept wondering what other excitement she was hoping for while at the “waiting room”. Excitement and enjoyment should really go at the very top of a list with reasons to why people cheat. And that list should be the one with stupid reasons.

    Anyway, who would have thought this story will end as a story of a woman who just wants to stay married? To belong to someone? For a minute I thought it would be about something else. A dejected soul maybe. But she seems to be in a weird but good place. I hope the third marriage lasts.

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  5. Wow. Wow that’s hell of a story. I laugh alot and cry a lot – Sailing on the same boat on that. Hope the 3rd husband remains the last. All the best my home mate

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  6. He’s someone’s castaway as I am two people’s castaway. We are all someone’s castaway. He had lost his business and I met him when he was broke. He had also had a tough marriage. It’s tough for men who are broke in marriages. They bring their ego into it. They imagine that we look at them and think of them in terms of money. Money helps, but money comes and money goes but people remain….
    All the best with number 3. But as you say, if it doesn’t work, there’s still room to try a forth and fifth. I love your positive attitude. Doesn’t matter whose castaway I may be. Someone else thinks of me as the one who got away.

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  7. Daaamn! I can’t even get one man to be committed and in a serious relationship! What’s her secret? Biko I really need to know it’s tough out here

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  8. We live in a society now that makes fun of such women…women who like to be married. Who want to be married. There is nothing wrong with it,and if having a man floats your boat,row away! I hope her 3rd marriage lasts,and that it fulfills her.

    68
  9. “Am a woman to loves to being married and defending the marriage at the table of marriage cynics”
    So true yet so ironical…
    I wish her the best in her search of something deeper than being Married.. I feel there’s an inner need to belong , affirmed,loved n accepted

    19
    1. Seems like a very ‘empty’ woman inside, she is filling a ‘void’ with all these. there is no mention of being truly fulfilled, She seems to like the idea of being married but not the actual marriage. Until she treats that empty part within her, she will soon share a story how this one too did not last.

      7
  10. I love marriage…A fairly tale of a kind.

    Now, put “Like” options on individual paragraphs, I have loved some of them so much that I want to like them individually. If you fail, I will still like the whole story.

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  11. I still don’t understand how people get not only first husband,but two, three,four husbands whereas i can’t get even one at 28yrs.Nilukosea wapi yayeeeh……

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    1. Sharon….your not alone my dear. I am 38 knocking on 40 and still no husband in sight….this elusive species called husbands… and I have dated all the sons of Pharaohs…lakini wapi!! Sijui kama kuna shule somewhere or was there a class I missed along the way on how to get a hubby ama is there a village or chama somewhere that castaways hang out? hata sielewi!
      I wish the lovely “Yadh Chunya” all the very very best on hubby number 3….

      16
    2. You are still young dear. I’ll be 36 in a couple of days. Haujakosea mahali. In fact, enjoy it. You will be married for the rest of your life

  12. When she said “I could put on weight by reading the ingredients of the contents of tins”, I felt that. Happy 3rd marriage to her.

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  13. Life’s lessons are the best.Forget the chemistry exams where you can swallow HCL trying to get an A. This here is a lesson to take things slow.

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  14. This is one strong woman, a weak soul cannot manage and would be trying to shield themselves from hurt and shame. I pray that the third one lasts.
    Saw a lot of your handwriting in there too Biko

    13
    1. But did you read the sentence after?
      “They imagine that we look at them and think of them in terms of money.”?

      Women actually do not. It is tough for them because of their own imagination. They let their imagination run wild. You would know if you were a woman (with even little means) who had married a broke man.

      16
  15. she likes the idea of marriage but not the actual marriage.Anyone married for a long time will tell you marriage is boring AF. there is no exciting marriage out there. familiarity tends to breed contempt but you push through the boredom and the few exciting days. and those are really few.After the 10yr mark its just taking it a day at a time and thats ok.
    The second hubby beating her. not cool.that guy is just a loser. just because she cheated you beat her,nah man.she dodged a bullet.she should have stuck with the Luo guy that the love of her life and you dont get many of those.

    34
    1. Permit me to disagree; whereas marriage with 20 years in is not a gear-8 sizzling hot affair, it need not be white-cotton boring (I am punching 16 years in December, so I can say something, no?). Problem is that after a while we stop working at it, we operate on auto-pilot, when there is no auto-pilot at all but the momentum of the good yester-years. We convert a relationship into chores and roles of Baba Jimmy and Mama Jimmy (and confirm it by calling ourselves that), then something sizzling comes along and upsets the apple cart – and maybe we start all over the cycle. As recent as this morning my Wife (with kids in the back of the car) was laughing her head off, I have in then past ticked her off real big with usual man-goofiness (no particulars tafadhali), she has called me names her Mum does not know she can use, we have had turbulence and we have had some awesome good times. Nothing just works, if it is working, it has been worked. Ni hayo tu kwa sasa. Asanteni.

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      1. Nothing just works, if it is working, it has been worked on

        WORD!!!!!!!! “NOTHING JUST WORKS, IF IT IS WORKING, IT HAS BEEN WORKED ON!”

  16. So poetic.
    “because I’m a woman who loves to be married.” The desire to belong and be accepted as a wife overshadows the experience undergone in the marriage. I truly hope her marriage lasts.

    5
  17. Ghai! May she not loose this one. May her quest of remaining married be realized.
    ” He held up his mirror of pain and I saw myself in it…..” “I warmed up on the fire his sadness emitted…..”
    These lines have stirred some part of my emotions.

    7
  18. Am the woman that don’t want to be anyone’s wife. I hate morning breadths. I dislike fighting over money and try as much as i can to make enough of my own. I am therefore quite intrigued by this one.

    22
    1. That makes the two of us. Small small fights is a turn off for me. I love my space soo much and making my own decisions without consulting nobody!!

      7
  19. Yaani a married woman, being married for the second time, and having a stable son of the soil from the down the lake. I envy you. I wanna be you ehe. I am a believer of marriage too. You are having the time of your life. I like it that you do not regret any single bit. Perfect definition of live and let live

    2
  20. Wow! knocked the wind out of my sails this one!!I have never been married but IAM a romantic I love the idea of marriage…to the right person so it never has to end.this is a beautiful story of second chances.love he that loves you dear.wishing you a lasting one this time round

    5
  21. This is one honest lady.. I love love love..gone are the days when women from ‘broken ‘marriages were doomed to a life of ‘never ever get married again’ now they make mistakes, fall, get up and try again.. till they find their happy!

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  22. I love being Mrs someone. I don’t mind dropping one of my names and using a man’s name. I don’t do hyphens. I do your name. I own it.

    I admire that. I’ve used my husband’s name since the day I got married. He’s mine and I’m his.

    14
  23. Maybe his mother thought his son did not deserve you…. with your beauty and your degree, once you became “someone”, his son’s small ego would not be able to cope, perharps another more solid reason why the marriage was doomed from the start?

    1
  24. Money helps, but money comes and money goes but people remain.
    But all I see here is people (husbands) coming and going and a woman who ain’t giving up on trying because what else do successful people do other than trying?

    3
  25. This story is soo sweet, waiting for the sequel. It reminds me of the kids in that fairytale movie I forgot with a do’key and excited kids who kept asking’ are we there yet?.. after every kilometer..

    1
  26. Great read and what a jolly person! She seems to be laughing at herself even in the emails. Like her, I also don’t think I ever want to meet Biko face to face so I “don’t spoil the romance”. Which explains why I’ve been postponing attending the Writing masterclass!

    6
  27. Life is very interesting..,some women in spite of so many unpleasant characteristics will keep finding new husbands every now and then, until they are old, YET some good women if i may put it that way, will wait for one proposal for what seems like forever.

    10
  28. Awesome read. The weakest link to the chain is that when you love you love without any second thoughts. Always have a fire exit in your relationships. A brother is speaking out of experience. I also love driving with one hand behind her head rest it’s really sexy and romantic. Goodluck with husband number three kindly let’s have a Part two as soon as possible.

    6
  29. Eh!! Siste!!! Uko na nguvu bana!!

    Yaani some of us can’t even find a boyfriend, let alone a ozband. And she’s on hubby number 3. They say the third time’s a charm, I really pray it works out for her 🙂

    Ps- The part her son made her sausages was really sweet!!
    And Biko is anything but dishevelled. She should’ve met him. She might have been surprised, pleasantly ;-). And she’d have been able to rock her heels.

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        1. Daaaaamnnn,,, okay! if I had known high heels would have gotten me a husband by now I would have cleared the sale in Bata shoes with the QUICKNESS!! Thanks for the tip, let me go shopping.

  30. Beautiful story…I am a firm believer in new beginnings, not wallowing in self pity and low esteem!
    I love you lady, I love the genuine-ness of your marriage stories…most people like painting fancy pictures about marriage. Personally, after my four decades of living, I am convinced some people can last a lifetime with one partner/soulmate others are meant to experience many marriages to evolve their lives (life is about evolution/being and living the higher self)…so if you feel stuck with someone who is not growing with you, you will find that the partnership wont hold (not for long).
    I am the latter….

    6
  31. Wow. I like this girl. She loves life.. she lives marriage. In this age where girls are shunned for wanting marriages.. she’s courageous. All the best in her 3rd one. They say, third time us a charm.

    1
  32. How hard is it for a man to forgive? If it was him (second husband) who cheated am sure she would have forgiven him and they would still be together………

    3
  33. “Quite men” yeah, still waters run deep. And yes some men have car tracker and never tell………you do the damn thing and wait see the demon wake up in him.

  34. . I saw through it and discovered that he was a sweet man who was dealt a bad card. So he moved in with me a year ago. I don’t want to formalise it because I’m afraid it will jinx it. But technically isn’t that husband number three?

    Number 3 is getting a finished product.

  35. Wow
    I thought I was the only one that loves being “married ” (not married yet though ) but I just adore being responsible for someone : know where your socks is, throw your old clothes, remind you of your appointments……
    I love being referred to as “my wife ”
    There this picture of marriage in my head. Help me God

    13
  36. He didn’t need to tell me because he didn’t think his wife was going to this one particular house in this one particular estate during office hours.

    The quiet ones….
    Haya kaptikana

    2
  37. As sad as this might be it is also funny AF
    …I was surprised he didn’t tell me to stop wearing my legs…Biko that was you.

    She has a lot of positive energy and I hope her 3rd marriage work out.

    8
  38. I was still slightly taller than him even without heels and I was surprised he didn’t ask me to stop wearing my legs…. hahaha afternoon made.

    Women are emotional human beings and the desire to belong is real. I truly admire her positive energy about marriage that can cook a whole sufuria of githeri of dry maize from Meru. Wishing her well in her 3rd marriage.

    5
  39. Amazing Read!!…..”It’s tough for men who are broke in marriages. They bring their ego into it. They imagine that we look at them and think of them in terms of money. Money helps,but money comes and money goes but people remain.” ~Profound.

    1
  40. You have strength mama…, Lord knows I was built like that in my 20s, but in my 30s I’m like I have one relationship left in me if it fails I’m done.

    5
  41. I love the resilience..only,i feel you’re a little too dependant especially emotionally.Affirm yourself often even as you look up to someone else to do it.
    Good luck!

    3
  42. Too much humor in this story though it is a pretty serious one…. She sounds like an amazing woman ! I wish you well in your third marriage… I really wish husband number two would have forgiven her sob! !

  43. Marriage is overrated. More like the icing on a cake.You don’t need it to enjoy the cake,but we all choose to buy only the cake with icing. We have chosen to believe that a cake without icing is no cake at all.

    Now,to this particular story.I feel her.Truth be told,out here,are thousands of helpless persons going through her story.And they cannot help.They must eat icing to enjoy cake.
    I say no.I love my oxygen as the universe serves it.And i find icing too sugary anyway.

    7
  44. I need a woman to explain to me what is this excitement they seek….

    “My second husband was really nice. I was the bad one. I was bad because I was bored. The marriage felt like sitting in a waiting room without any paintings or windows or magazines. And your phone is dead. So you just sit there and wait and wait for something exciting to happen.”

    It always breaks stable marriages. You are a dutiful husband, loving your wife and providing, good in bed…but your wife is bored and waiting for something exciting to happen.

    6
    1. He was too boring, you can be a nice person but if there’s no excitement attached to it, especially in relationships, the other person will always get bored.

  45. “I warmed up on the fire his sadness emitted…” she loved deeply. I hope she settles with number 3. Good luck height mate. I am also tall and i know exactly how that feels..

    Such a nice read though i found myself to be in a hurry to see the full cycle..i read this story in such a hurry waah!

  46. Wow! So beautifully penned…I love the way this woman is real and deep.

    “I warmed up on the fire his sadness emitted…” my best line.

    All the very best in your third marriage…may it last forever!

  47. AAAaaaaahhhh man a women who owns up to what she finds defines her identity and where she feels fulfilled, I love love, love, she expresses her emotions when faced with being challenges and thinking of the shame will come later, then she moves on, in the end I think we should all be a lil crazy in the mission to find ourselves in this busy world.

  48. Wooow!!! speechless….. yadh chunya.. reminds me of my luhya babe… he calls me eshombo… i feel like i own the name.. then again i may never marry him because he is taken already… i can relate… oh i die…

    1
  49. “A Luo man will turn you into anything; medicine, a tree, a boat, a spoon and you will still feel beautiful. You will feel like the most beautiful spoon in the world of spoons. ” This totally cracked me up.

    Go girl! All the best

    3
  50. Lucky lady. Be you, do you. Thimgs will work out somehow.
    ION, dear future husband: I am still waiting for you to finish messing around with ku girls so that we start a family.

    3
  51. Here I am, wasting a lot of time trying to decide where the woman’s words ended and Biko spiced them, because I don’t trust this man Biko with words, especially their twisting. But this is one beautifully woven piece. Confusing and convoluted a little.

    8
  52. Nice read. But what is the secret of getting 3 men all willing to settle down? Getting even one for some of us is even a challenge. hehe

    7
  53. But seriously women are complicated beings.

    You show her love and marry her, she shags her friend or ex, who doesn’t give a shit about them.

    You divorce her and marry a more ‘deserving’ woman she crashes your wedding jeopardizing the whole event and soon to be wife.

    I don’t think men should let their women have male friends. Be it men they’ve known for eternity or male colleagues friends.

    Fellow men reading this; unless you don’t give a rat’s arse about the woman you’re with right now, don’t let her have any male friends.

    Us men are never just friends with a female we’re not fucking. We just hang around waiting for the woman to make a dumb decision and then we pounce like the lions we are.

    Doesn’t matter the woman is married or not.

    I don’t blame the narrator. She didn’t know any better.

    I don’t blame the Luo guy either. The guy is just trying to live his best life by clapping as many cheeks as he possibly can.

    That leaves the Coast guy. He’s the reason the marriage ended. He’s soft. Too soft I may add. He better step up and be a man before his new marriage ends in a divorce too,

    10
    1. Dennis you’ll have to marry from Timbuktu so that you get a woman whom you let or ‘unlet’ to do anything.
      The lady in the story kinda marries for convenience. She says she loves the second husband but she felt like she was in a waiting room. See the paradox.
      Just pray that you get a good woman.

      4
    2. “I don’t blame the Luo guy either. The guy is just trying to live his best life by clapping as many cheeks as he possibly can.” This part of your comment was the most ridiculous, is that how men measure living the best life? Sleeping around? How ridiculously pathetic is that.

      Knock knock..
      Who’s there?
      Syphliis and HIV

      5
  54. The start of this story resonates too well with me. A girl from the village, all too new in the city, looking for acceptance, because much as I was the village beauty, the city’s beautiful one’s seemed to have been born ahead of time. The year was 1999. Back to the story teller, if you love being married, please stay true to the vows of marriage. Because at 80,nobody will be willing to take you for a wife.

  55. I always look forward to Tuesdays. Reason, there will be a post by Biko. Amazing stories and amazing writing. What’s more its real life. Thank you very much Biko.

    1
  56. The spoon in his soup. The boat in his water. ….I loved this sound. This plus “the medicine of my heart”, men men wat did we be.

  57. ‪Men do not want partners.They want doormats.They want women who are submissive, who will bow down to them and stroke their fragile egos. Men want relationships that are rooted in patriarchy but they also want women who contribute financially. ‬Love yourself first and marriage is not an achievement.

    17
  58. I love the way you love. I love that you love being married.
    Am intrigued by how you lay things down and pick others up and keep moving on. I think too much.
    You truly celebrate life. Keep doing you.

    1
  59. I got stuck at this statement “I think mothers think too highly of their sons. Especially mothers with useless sons!” Because i want to bring up better sons.

    1
  60. Biko,

    Somehow, i was able to tell the lines you added. Like this one:

    ‘…he didn’t ask me to stop wearing my legs” Hahahahaha

    This lady is very funny and her story is so juicy someone should turn it into a series i laugh. She better avoid the 51 year old before he whispers “oberana mama” (Confusion to the point of another turbulence). All the best with No. 3

    7
  61. I loved the story.. In my own words. We are a complex,complicated yet sweet people. We never mind how many times we hurt or be hurt.. We always try and try and try. She is an example of someone with a big heart . A heart to accomadate.
    All the same, these lofe lesdons are to be embraced.
    Kudos Bikozulu! Felt you touch in the story though.

    1
  62. I tried running. Fail. I tried gym. Fail. I tried to diet. Fail. I could put on weight by reading the ingredients of the contents of tins.
    This got me laughing so hard.
    Biko asante.

    4
  63. Now this here! This here is a post! I enjoyed every aspect of it. The unraveling of the story, the wording, the poetic descriptions, the character diversity! It’s so good, that I want to find out 15 years down, whether she continued knocking on wood as an affirmation to her present being her last.

  64. ”I like when we all sit in the car to go to church and you are driving with one hand on the steering wheel and another behind my headrest. It seems to say, ‘This is my woman, and those little people at the back are my tribespeople.” I want to be the medicine of a man’s heart. The spoon in his soup. The boat in his water….
    Amazing read Biko.Kudos.

  65. Wow! An awesome read it is! Who wouldn’t want to be loved and owned?
    “He held up his mirror of pain and I saw myself in it.”…..”It’s tough for men who are broke in marriages.” Hmmmm, food for thought.

    Hope her third marriage lasts.

  66. Am a kinda her type.But cheeii! woman where do you get all this marriage like from? For this 3rd one to work,Put it in mind that no one gets a full package, one has to over look some things

    1
    1. She overlooks mistakes, hunts down the guy after she’s left. She gives too much in a relationship.
      Are you willing to do that? Can you stand an abusive mother-in-law? Can you stalk a man for 2 straight years?

  67. this thing we women have..instincts..can save us lots n lots of heartache, i am learning to follow mine,
    She doesnt love marriage, she just loves the idea of it…cause if she did, she would work at it n not destroy it with her own two hands…sad story…
    marriage is beautiful..marriage is worth fighting for and marriage is to be honored!!

    2
  68. Wow, this beautiful lady is funny, funny as hell and I’d take her to be yadh chunya and gikmakamago any day of the year!!! I love her Happy humorous soul

    1
  69. i read your articles and it is sometimes inspiring to learn how women have made mistakes, embraced their lives or rather dusted themselves and held their heads high again. I want to gather the courage to tell my story some day……i think telling the story makes one a stronger and better person.

    Biko keep doing what you do. Asante

  70. A www www www!!! What a lovely ‘ending’!
    Love her tenacity in wanting to have companionship and hopefully third time’s the charm!

  71. You are not alone, a lot of us are Mrs. Somebodies or would be Mrs. save we don’t talk about it. Well I have been of both sides, the single side and the not so single one. While on the single one, I would get mad at women who would whine about picking up the kids because their husband dearest went on a work trip. One week like really? But again, to think of it deeply, to want companion is a natural thing but to learn to thrive with a lack of it is even harder.

    Good luck Mrs. Husband. I hope you will stick with this one. I wish you more magazines, scrabble and luddo in this waiting room. I hope the chairs are colourful enough to keep you entertained.

    3
  72. Great read…The luo guy with words ati ‘ He called me sweet useless names like, “yadh chunya.” to mean, “the medicine of my heart.” I was medicine now. It got into my heart that I had the power to heal hearts. A Luo man will turn you into anything; medicine, a tree, a boat, a spoon and you will still feel beautiful. You will feel like the most beautiful spoon in the world of spoons. He will make you believe you are everything when he wants to. He told me he would marry me but he didn’t, obviously, and yet he is still not married at 51,,weee
    Best of luck in your third marriage…

    1
  73. Biko…You make my days…
    your blog is the most beautiful thing that has come across…it helps this Girl from Turkana View the world from a different angle, Thanks for this.

    2
  74. Wow… you are one lucky married woman!

    ‘Then I became fat. My arms jiggled like jelly. My ass felt like a trampoline. My stomach was hideous. Stretch marks ran around my thighs like internet cables’

  75. i know of a luo man who has the same charm as her luo guy. We had not seen each other for sometime and when we met he told me “i had grown into my womanhood” . I miss his charm to be honest……………..

    1
  76. “I think mothers think highly of their sons, especially useless sons”True.The medicine of the luo man’s heart hey siunapenda kuolewa.anyway all the best

  77. If a Luo man calls you sweet names like ‘yath chunya’ just know it’s because there are many more in between being called the same name :-). That’s why they don’t commit.

    1
  78. ewwwwwww! beautifully written and the humor is on point! eeh Biko, I love this story, the woman has reached a dangerous level, because she knows what makes her happy regardless of social norms and belief, may her third marriage last forever.

  79. Some people are made for marriages, others aren’t.

    I also am a divorced woman, free from an abusive marriage, and still believe in the marriage institution…
    Still believe I will one day, some day, find my ‘rib-source’ and be married to a reasonable man (am old enough to know that he’ll be human, so I don’t expect an angel)

    5
  80. “I think mothers think too highly of their sons. Especially mothers of useless sons.” SO True!!! I will use this line forever.

    6
  81. “These quiet men. They can know something like this and not say a word. He is a patient man, my second husband, because when he discovered he did his homework for two months and finally caught me. It was ugly. Very ugly. He hit me. The quiet men – those are the most volatile ones. He hit me so hard I felt my jaw shift to the back of my head like your would twist your bra around. He hit me so hard I blacked out. When I came to, I was divorced. “…… I think I am this quite men .

    1
  82. Here is the one reason women should avoid a Luo man. You have been warned my sisto. ” He will make you believe you are everything when he wants to. He told me he would marry me but he didn’t, obviously, (he’s still not married to date, at 51)” They lie in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and even in their 70s.

    6
  83. Interesting story, I always look forward to reading your stories…
    This story gives a touch of me and my life, the reason I’ve smiled throughout as I read through… Thank you

  84. I love her and her story telling is on point assisted of course by Biko’s voice intrusions! Loved every bit of the read. It’s the fastest I’ve ever read a story here… And the fact that she has an ‘image’ of Biko that she didn’t want to ruin..

  85. Aki reading this, am also that girl who truly believe in marriage and at my age 29, never met someone who has intentions of marrying me. Maybe I suck? Maybe marriage ain’t for everybody? Maybe I should keep on believing? Just maybe!!???

  86. I have enjoyed reading this article.. I love her wording.. The fact that she is not materialistic.. And the fact that she is a hopeless romantic

    And I love that she thinks of herself first.. I would love to meet this woman..

    1
  87. “He called me sweet useless names like, “yadh chunya.” to mean, “the medicine of my heart.” I was medicine now. It got into my heart that I had the power to heal hearts. A Luo man will turn you into anything; medicine, a tree, a boat, a spoon and you will still feel beautiful. You will feel like the most beautiful spoon in the world of spoons.”

    Pwahahaha…My brothers from the lakeside can be quite poetic. Howbeit, words are cheap if no concrete action can be taken to the next step. Being loud, colourful and funny means squat if a man is just jogging on the same spot and wasting your time. He’s 51, is he already married and was just hiding that part of his life from her??
    I feel that this is a man she’d have loved to spend the rest of her life with and it’s just sad that he was playing.
    All the best in settling with hubby number three.

    3
  88. I love this woman,such a great spirit with a large heart,never giving up attitude,self belief,determined and larger than life outlook.she will be well this one but for the luo man,the 51year old, that’s her Waterloo!

  89. Hilariously beautiful!!! If there is word like this in English!! I love to laugh and cry aswell… and I’d like to get married again someday … this is my story in a different contest… thanks Biko you nailed it again…

  90. A masterpiece from Biko. This title should have been ‘Turbulence’, coz that’s all I see in her life. This lakeside fella is just trouble, and he is still single at 51. Trouble!

  91. I don’t do hyphens. I do your name. I own it. A truly married woman. Life has dealt you bad aces, now oisten to the gambler.

  92. “I think mothers think too highly of their sons. Especially mothers with useless sons!”
    Now this one?! Anyway wishing her well in her marriage.

  93. “Never say die”! That I admire .pursue and seek then only will you find what your looking for.life in my opinion is a journey and its wise to live and enjoy it. Before “my boobs would have dropped and my ass sagged and no man would want to look at me” keep trying!.

  94. Wow! What a piece!
    Luo men’s endearments can marry a woman without a dowry. They keep ringing in your head 10 years later and you are married and an elder in church. “Yadh chunya”

    3
  95. Modernity is such a lame excuse for perversion and sexual immorality. Reading the comments I can tell that most people are for glorifying sex escapades or as they like to call it, sexual liberty. Truth is we bring misery to ourselves by having no strong will to be bold enough to be principled.

    13
    1. Exactly! Our society applauds this and its so bad. She needs inner satisfaction that can’t be found through marrying billions of men! Mrs Lady you need help.

      3
  96. What? I’ve been married 10 years and there’s no way i’m letting go of my surname; no way hosey!
    Anyway, great writing though a bit annoying for I think this lady is seeking for validation from men.

  97. I get myself looking up every time while reading to confirm nobody’s watching my wide uncontrollable smile ama they think am loosing it.

    1
  98. Do you know how many women would have tunzad your No. 2 You need to first have a meeting with your God and then yourselves. Being married so many times is also not healthy for your sons. Children need stability. Better luck in your third.

    2
  99. I wish her success in her third/next marriage.

    LIKE:

    Immediately they met, she knew he was the one- women know. She had been praying God to reveal her Adam. A man who will be her husband and a father to her children- not a boy to play with her life again and dump her after hitting his target. She had in Jesus’ name denied the evil spirits of ‘trial and error.’ She was looking for a God-fearing man. A man who is loving and caring. And someone funny. She had grown up without a father’s love. Her mother is a single parent and she never saw her father. She was told that her father died of a road accident immediately she was born. And even though she has two other siblings, her mother never got married. And she did not see their father(s) too or they also died? She never asked. So, she was looking for a man who despite being her husband, a father – to both her and her children. A man she could call dad with a lot of confidence. A man who will protect them. A man who can give her a place to call her home. A man of her own- alone. A man to whom she will feel enough to, who will never leave her for another woman.
    #Here>>>>>> https://www.sawalife.com/she-is-pregnant/

    1
  100. He held up his mirror of pain and I saw myself in it… I warmed up on the fire his sadness emitted. Biko, you write so beautifully!

  101. “I think mothers think too highly of their sons. Especially mothers with useless sons!” This part finished me,i love it.an awesome piece

  102. This gal oooh…I like her already.

    But where does she find all these husbands?!
    Some of us cant even find guys to date at least for a week!

  103. Hi Biko, I have struggled with the woman series. Women are known to share, be open and unravel. I keep feeling like you have too much to work with and you don’t know what to use or the Men series was too heavy and you are trying to paint a less grim picture. Whatever it is please let us know if you have started to delegate the blog to other people. So that we(read I) can drop all expectations. I feel this was good out of the 2 that I have liked and felt like you showed up for. We shall wait. Yes, I actually need an answer to this also, yes – this is pressure because you spoilt us and now we can actually demand for better or can we?

    Enjoy Havard!!! Congratulations. That is huge and you absolutely deserve it. You do.

  104. For me, this is the ‘warmest’ story I’ve read in the women and marriage series. Good luck to the lady. Great narrative Biko.

  105. The car tracker. My car was down and I was using his car which he had left behind. He drove a big car, a Prado, which was prone to theft, so he had put a tracker and didn’t tell me. He didn’t need to tell me because he didn’t think his wife was going to this one particular house in this one particular estate during office hours.

    I liked this. I even laughed out loud.

  106. I love how you love marriage and are willing to keep trying till works (am your tribe).. How about you stick to one and give it your all till you are 80! God sees your desire and will see you through…. I wish you turned very best …

  107. It’s like a roller coaster, one moment you are s yath chunya the next you’re someone’s certified cast away … But such is life, to 80s!!!! Happy 80s, that is

    2
  108. “…..intimidated by the maze of Nairobi – these streets, these estates, these roads – he seemed to have an internal map in his body that just found the way. I can smell the car now if I close my eyes and remain still; heated leather. It smelled aspirational.” The image here is so vivid, enough lighting, rightfully pinned and so captivating. A good writing.

  109. The diary of a woman who prides in marriage, but lacks the formula, but in words. An epic reflection of self description, unchalantly. The allure though

    1
  110. “He found out. In the silliest ways. The Car Tracker”

    I’m the guy who installs a car tracker in your car. Hit me up for one (0712385870) Every car is prone to theft.

    Biko, you still love your whiskey? Ought to pay for this
    Hope her 3rd marriage lasts

    1
  111. Wow! Full cycle indeed. This is a brave woman. I want to believe that she is no longer the foolish-dutiful wife but the wiser,smartly dutiful wife. I wish her all the best in her new marriage. May this be IT.

  112. this story is so hilarious. i love this woman and i hope her third marriage works. dont we all have that one ex who is like the cockroach that refuses to die? i hope the luo never pops up in her third marriage.

  113. Wow. What can I say. To say i was enthralled will be an understatement. I fell in love with this raunchy Sado-masochist that came out of your pen. The ink truly is word water.
    “Money comes and many goes but people stay forever”. As a man that gained and lost a fortune but failed to treat the two events with the same candour (sorry Kipling), I can relate.
    Jaber yath chunya Digoxin pace marker. “Woman, your sins are forgiven.
    Be discreet and enjoy your life.”

    I’ll like to read more from this author.

  114. She is not bitter, she is full of hope, she longs to be married..she does not hate men…I think of this lady as the Samaritan Woman in the Holy bible…who had been married 5 times…she had had 5 husbands and the sixth one was was a mpango….until she met the 7th man, sitted by the well, waiting for her. May you meet Christ. He loves you. A beautiful story Biko.

    1
  115. Gal I read every article on Bikozulu but this one! This one is out of range. You are strong more than anything and you shall be Mrs. Someone. Keeping Laughing more loud! and Keep Off Luo guy.

  116. Oh God Yes!!!
    “I want to be the one who throws away your old trousers that you insist on holding on to”
    My whole heart in just one sentence!!!!

  117. Marriage after divorce rarely survive. Is it the baggage that or trust issues? Whichever way I wish you all the best in your future.

    5
  118. I love how you have accepted yourself and making good out of what you have. positive attitude is a plus. Mood this time…..very happy, despite the tears here and there.

    And how many of us wish we could crush our ex’s wedding in red heels and still eat and drink? that’s some guts right there.

  119. Mama have you ever heard of “foundations”? Pls Google foundations of marriages and see if you can get some information that will change your life

  120. Funny how most people in the comment section are not calling out the woman for cheating. If tables were reversed, ladies would be all up on the comment section blaming the men for cheating. Good read though!