God and Children

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All you want at 19 years is biceps. I never had any lofty ambitions, nothing burning and unsettling in sleep, just muscles. All my life’s efforts and aspirations whittled down towards growing big biceps. So we all joined gyms with the shameless hope of, not competing in a bodybuilding pageant, but lighting wicked and illicit desires in the hearts of girls. This was back in 2000 before mobile phones came into gyms, making them social media content of the city’s narcissistic troves. In fact, back in 2000 mobile phones weighed the same as dumbells. With two phones you could do a Fly exercise for the chest.

I joined a gym and worked out dutifully every morning. Okay, most mornings. The gym was a small makeshift sweathouse in the backyard of a house belonging to a former pugilist, a robust man who walked bent like ramapithecus and would come to the gym and bellow, “Stroooooong!” when you were struggling to complete your bench press. The gym was ratty and threadbare as most gyms in the estates were. The equipment consisted of old, heavy car parts and all manner of metallic items welded together to form weights, bars and machines. It was cheap, you paid 50 bob a day or 1K a month, or something ridiculous like that. There were no bathrooms, showers, water dispensers or racks for keeping weights. There were no trainers in matching sports gears. Mirrors were cracked and stained. All around were old pictures of these bulky and ripped iron-heads – Mr Universe, Mr World, Mr Kenya, Mr Nakuru – who growled at us from the walls. They played loud rap music from a massive speaker – Tupac mostly, because Biggie never lifted no weights. The biggest person in the room controlled the music stereo and the kind of music that was played, which meant the likes of us never had a dream of touching that stereo. There were two doors, the entrance from a back alley and one leading into the kitchen of the pugilist. The gym was small and stuffy and smelled of men. Notably, there was never a single female member. The rare woman who would come always accompanied her man, sitting silently in the corner, a flower amidst the debris of men and sweat. On those days, all the men would double their weights. I’m surprised nobody ever died.

It’s in this meleé of testosterone that I met Guy*. [Not his real name, obviously]

I actually thought he was a bit of an ass at the beginning. He had an air. A snootiness. He carried himself like he was better than everybody else and never spoke to anyone. He would come and train, listening to his own music on his headphones to block off the noise and vapid gym chatter and groans. He would place a towel on the bench before lying on it because God forbid he should get in contact with the sweat of commoners and contract something that would require open surgery. He had that kind of a body that just responded to weights; small at the waist, wide at the top, defined biceps, a strong neck and well-formed thighs and legs. He – unlike most guys in the gym then and now – was proportional. He had a keen sense of gym fashion before apparel was a thing. He knew he looked good. We knew he looked good.

I didn’t like him.

We trained for almost a year without so as much as exchanging a nod. This was because my default setting is silence. Talking tires me. Unless I’m tipsy. So we never spoke to each other. Then one day I went to the gym on a Saturday and he was there alone with his beloved towel. He asked, “Are you doing bench today? We can do it together.” We did bench together. And that was it. We started working out together; his motto was heavy weights and less reps, mine was light weights and more reps because I wasn’t going for the hulky Orangutan look. Somehow we found a middle ground. Then we started hanging out. I realised that we had tons in common; first we shared the exact same birthday; date, month, day. I’m named after an African freedom fighter, he’s named after an African freedom fighter. I also found out that he, too, was an ass man, after I found out that he wasn’t an ass.

Sadly, we grew up and outgrew the gym obsession. Sort of. I found my purpose and pursued it across the border. We lost touch briefly and when we reconnected again, he had moved to a different neighbourhood uptown, a big four bedroom house in a small compound with three roommates, one a budding musician who – thankfully – gave up on that dream because anybody could tell that he couldn’t sing. I remember their kitchen being so big you could build a servants quarter in it. Before flat screen became a thing, they had the 52 inch TV. He would throw mad parties at this house. Mad. Parties. There was a lot of alcohol and a lot of girls and loud music. I remember they’d call it three to one, to mean a party that didn’t have three girls to one man was no party. “There is a three-to-one on Sato,” a message would read. [Whatsapp had not been invented].

He was a guy of biashara, I was just starting out as a writer. He was very ambitious, a workhorse and just had admirable work ethic – no place was too far to chase the paper. At some point our priorities started changing and the things that brought us together became less relevant. I became a father. We lost touch. We would meet on the very rare occasion to have a drink.

Then he met someone and they started dating seriously. He quit drinking and partying. If he could find the Lord, I thought, anybody can. He had found Jesus and Jesus was good to him. I thought, ah, it’s the girlfriend, he will be back. But he never drunk again. Then his fiancée must have said, “Do you need to stay in that big house? I think it’s a waste of rent. Plus, all those friends seem to do is drink, play Playstation and entertain light-skinned girls who don’t seem to be doing anything with their lives.” So he moved out to a smaller digs. Then I heard he was married. Just like that, like a bird off a tree.

Shortly there was a bun in the oven and then boom, a son. He was those guys who immerse themselves in family right up to their moustache. I remember one time he had a small mbuzi thing at his house, one of those tame ones where everybody goes with their wives and children run between chairs outside in the front yard, the smell of roasting meat in the air and chaps being very well-behaved, talking about business or politics or money or the future of asbestos. That’s the first time I was meeting the wife and I remember two things from that afternoon. One, is how strikingly beautiful she was, which wasn’t surprising because he was always that guy who cherry-picked. The second thing I remember is how, while we were seated outside, a cluster of men, she came out and said something to him in a tone that we found to be off, almost stripping him naked before us. I don’t remember what she said, but I remember her tone and we all picked up on it. Although we pretended that it never happened, it floated over our heads uneasily like a foul smell for the rest of the afternoon. We were embarrassed for him. I never asked him about it because how your wife speaks to you is your business. Maybe it’s your language of love.

After that party we didn’t communicate for a long time. It was quiet for close to two years. One day last year he called me and we had fish at Mama Oliech.

“I’m no longer married,” he announced.

I said, “Perfect, now we can run off together.” We laughed.

“What happened? I thought things were going great!”

“I thought so too…well at least in the first year,” he said.

The first problem – the only problem – was that she was earning more money than he was. But it wasn’t a problem at the beginning. Five months in and finances started rocking the boat. “When we got married my business was doing so badly,” he said. “I was having many bad months and I didn’t think money would be a big problem because we had even attended pre-marital counselling and finances were discussed extensively. Ey, but this chic just started changing slowly, boss, it was like she was someone else.”

While his business was dragging and he was counting pennies, she was balling. Her dressing was changing, getting better, heels getting higher, hair looking like somewhere only the golden eggs are laid. Her circle of friends also started changing, it climbed to a different status. Suddenly she was hanging out at hotel bars with their thick carpets and overpriced cocktails. They were taking trips out of town, to places with swimming pools and filtered sunsets, champagne and shit. He would stay behind looking after his son.

“You are just sore you weren’t having fun,” I told him jokingly.

“Oh! I wasn’t ati intimidated. I was doing my part. I was trying to be transparent as a provider.”

“Transparent with what?” I asked. “It’s always the person making less who wants to be transparent.”

“Kwani whose side are you on?”

“Elephants,” I said. “But seriously, so these things started when you got married ama they were there but you never saw them?”

“I think they might have been there but si you know how it is when you are dating. You overlook things. I think the biggest thing I overlooked was her faith. I had started on a strong faith, clear about my relationship with God but she wasn’t and I didn’t think it would be a big deal, really.”

“So what happened?”

“I think her friends started poisoning her, asking her what she was doing with a broke man. Her family also started questioning her choice. I think they thought she was doing too well to be with someone like me. I also think she was interacting with a different calibre of men at work and she thought she deserved better. She started resenting me. I could tell from how she would talk to me,” he said.

“With madhaa? She would answer you by putting the word “si” before a word?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You know when a woman says, “Si I told you I was with my friends,” “Si it’s huko in the drawer where everything is kept.”

He chuckled. “Worse. She slowly started becoming nasty. During fights she would really come at me, you guy. Personally. As in, it would feel like she was angry at me as a person, mpaka I was like yaani how can you even talk to me like that? You get? And it grew worse by the day. We seemed to be fighting all the time and it was always about money. She didn’t want me making any decisions about money given that I wasn’t contributing as much as she was. She had a way of reminding me all the time that the money was hers, but subtly. You know how a chic can say something to mean that she’s calling the shots?”

“Money is crazy.”

“I believed greatly from my faith that marriage was something of a partnership, a union where your problems are my problems and my problems are your problems and the money you make is our money…”

“Oh, come on!”

“What?!”

“Is that what they told you in the premarital counselling classes?”

“I mean, yeah…as in how do you expect to go towards one direction when you can’t handle money as just this…I don’t know…tool you need to get somewhere?”

“You were naive.”

“You think.”

“I know.”

“If say I was making more, do you think we would have other problems?”

“We will never know, will we?” I say. “But how did you react to her during this time?”

“I’m stubborn in that I thought I’d do everything to make it work. I thought I’d love her into submission. I had a great spiritual faith and I chose not to look at her as a problem but as this issue. That’s what they taught us in premarital counselling. But having our son made things harder, because now we had more bills. Her conversations started changing. She started complaining; suddenly where we lived was a problem, she was complaining that we never went on holidays as a family, she seemed to want more and more.”

Then the house became a hostel; a place they all converged to sleep, like a crossbreed of YMCA and YWCA, only with a child. They slowly stopped speaking. When they spoke it was always an argument about money. “She would be saying nasty things to me but I chose not to react or say anything.”

“Jesus held your tongue,” I said.

“Yeah. Plus we had a child in the house, I didn’t want to create a bad environment for him, so I thought my not arguing with her or reacting to her would make her back down but she only got bolder and more disrespectful. It got to a point where her phone would ring at night and she would leave and speak on the phone away from me.”

“Did you ask ama you are one of those guys who see that as weakness.” [I know, I’m badgering the witness]

“Of course. She would say it’s a colleague who wanted something and I would ask her why a colleague would be calling her at night and she would fly off the handle, asking me what the hell I want from her, this job is the one paying for stuff in the house yet I still question work calls! So I would just chill,” he said.

Sex became once a month. Then once in two months. Then once a quarter. “On the rare occasion that it happened, I could feel how dead she was to it, like she wanted it to end fast. So I stopped asking,” he said. After sex went, any form of meaningful conversation also ended.

One day her phone rang after 10pm. They were in bed, strangers in the sack; him reading, her pretending to be asleep. She picked it and since it was quiet and her volume was loud, he could hear that the voice on the other end was a man. She said, “Sasa?…Yes….Si I call you tomorrow…sawa….goodnight.” When she hung up he sat up in bed and said sarcastically, “Was that work again?” Without turning she said, “Yeah.” He said, “Please go sleep in another room. You can’t sleep in this bed if you can’t respect it.” So she picked up her pillow (why do people always leave with their pillow?) and went to her son’s bedroom.

“I told God that I had tried everything and that I was waiting for whatever he would decide of that marriage,” he said. “Things got so bad that sometimes I would hear her being dropped late at night.” He would stand at the upstairs window and see the car that had dropped her parked outside the gate. After a few minutes, she would step out. “Do you know how small that makes you feel? That some man can drop off your wife right outside your gate?”

“That’s mad,” I said. We had finished eating, ugali now dry on my hands. It’s annoying to scrape that off when washing your hands.

“A week later she texted me one afternoon and said she will be moving out in three days,” he said. She moved out with everything. He gave her everything in the house and remained with the mattress and a few items in the house. “The house didn’t look inhabited. I remember people knocking on the gate to ask if the house was up for rent.” He laughed. “I had very little money coming in and she knew it. I think she wanted to see how long I’d survive without her. I remember going down on my knees and asking God what I had done to deserve all this. I’d given my all. In fact, that was the best version of myself. I had stopped drinking, turned my life around and that is what I got? I said, “If indeed you’re there listening to me, please don’t allow me to be embarrassed. Don’t allow me to be kicked out of the house and go back to my parents.”

For a few weeks he ate bread and milk while standing, or on his mattress. He felt destabilized. A failure of love. His self esteem was low. He would avoid anyone who might ask him how his wife was doing. Well, God heard his prayer because a month later he got a 1.5M gig. A miracle, really. The largest amount of money he had made in years. They even paid him half as down payment . He bought curtains, a gas cooker and other things. People stopped asking if the house was up for rent. He heard that his wife was now dating one of her colleagues. “It cut me like a knife,” he said. “As in, a few months later and she was already dating while I didn’t even know where to start my life again?”

Months passed with them doing the co-parenting thing. “He heard she broke up with the man because, well, it’s all fun and games until she is your girlfriend and not someone’s wife,” he said. “Now you are no longer stealing moments.”

“At some point we tried counselling,” he said.

“You thought of taking her back?”

“Yeah, for the sake of my son.”

“Of course,” I said.

“Yeah, but man, counselling wasn’t working either. That’s when I realised that we had different value systems and that this faith thing is big for me. I can’t be with someone whose faith isn’t aligned to mine.”

When we met he was three years into being single again. We met again last year and this time he was looking for someone to marry and settle down with. Someone of the same faith. Someone who is big on spirituality and family and starting a family. So, God and children. He was also categorical that he didn’t want someone who would want to have premarital sex. She’d have to be willing to go on dates and things but not try and take him to bed. You know, entice him with foggy bedroom eyes and fabric that slide and slither on her body shape or someone who picks her strawberry from her desert with her fingers in slow motion. By last year October he had been celibate four years. (Still is, last I checked.) At first I said there is no way someone can be celibate for that long, surely you’d get dizzy spells and, or, migraines and athlete’s foot? He said it was easy, “the first year is the toughest.” To mean he even avoids eye contact with keyholes.

I hooked him up with a friend of mine who also big on her faith and wants to start a family. We all met at a café but she didn’t feel him because she felt he was too quiet. I said, “It’s because I was running my mouth, give him another chance!” She said, “Nah, really, I didn’t feel that thing.”

“What thing!” I said.

“Plus, he’s dark, I like light men.”

“No shit.”

So I hooked him up with another friend, someone who doesn’t mind dark chocolate going to her waist. This time I didn’t go because I realised I was getting in the way of love. They met for mid-morning coffee. They had a good conversation. But that also didn’t work out. They both didn’t feel each other. She felt he was too nice. “I’m stubborn, I want a man who I will not walk all over.” He felt that he wanted someone much younger, like 26 to 33. (He’s late 30s]. So another one bit the dust.

So I gave up. But he hasn’t. He wants a second crack at marriage. So he’s still looking. God will get him his woman. Maybe she’s here on the comment section. Maybe she’s at Mavuno. Maybe she’s on leave and just woke up to do last night’s dishes. Or she’s driving to her doctor’s for her annual pap smear. Maybe she’s writing her resignation letter at work. For the ninth time. Or laughing at a meme.

Maybe.

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369 Comments
      1. May be she’s at Mavuno.. I think I know this lady. Perfect match for ‘Guy’ I dare say..she’s big on faith in God and family. I can hook him up!

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        1. Hmmmmm why Mavuno church? N which Mavuno campus? I go to Mavuno and am OK with a kind n gentleman

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    1. Quite an interesting read Biko,
      It’s always a pleasure to know that there are good saved men out here who hold high the standards of Godly dating that leads to marriage.
      Praise Jesus ‘guy’ and keep holding on to our God he is a God who rewards obedience.
      We shall meet if it’s God’s will.

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      1. You might actually know if he is boring or not once you meet him.. it would be difficult to deduce that from a 20minute summary

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      1. Why is he acting like he deserves rainbows just because he has “faith” ? Then he sought God for selfish reasons . He and his faith were part of the problem.
        Ladies.. He is not a catch!

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        1. Does it matter why you pray? Selfish or selfless? Mathew 11:28, ‘Come to me all you who are labored…” ALL.
          Secondly, he is not acting. Your perception is what is judging you. You should give Brene Brown’s book on ‘I Thought it was Just Me’ a shot. You might come up with better comments thought processes

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    2. You’re a great story teller. I love this piece, especially those aspects touching on Faith, because I’m skeptical about religion

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    3. Thank you for sharing a story from someone of faith!
      Please tell your friend that putting age limits on love isn’t a Godly thing. Age has nothing to do with faith, live and respect.
      May Jesus Christ meet him at his point of need.

        1. I am here,also been celibate for sometime now,don’t believe in pre marital sex,biiiigg on spirituality and God,one son and am in my early thirties and looking to settle.

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          1. Oooh wow, ladies there is no perfect relationship or marriage, all it takes is light perseverance and commitment, everything works one step at a time..

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          1. Marriage is overrated. So many people going through hell in those “marriages”. I have my own reservations about the whole thing. I wonder why do people stand such things in name of faith.

        1. Oooh no. So sad. Thought this only happens to us ladies. Something similar happened to me but God gives us the strength to help us carry on with life for the sake of our children

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        1. The comments section is full of people who want to hook up with this guy lol.. Was this the intent of this post Biko? Me I know the perfect woman for this guy is in Cathy Kiuna’s church

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          1. Kwa Kiuna hapana. those people are taught all about properity gospel. Nothing bibilical

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      1. Isn’t it interesting how most ladies (well, assuming they’re ladies from their names),are commenting on the hook up while almost every guy is still hung on that teenager bicep line!

        And life continues!

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  1. “All you want at 19 years is biceps. I never had any lofty ambitions, nothing burning and unsettling in sleep, just muscles” This statement just made it interesting, a description of all the youths, unfortunately the youths are no longer in the teenage bracket but grown men.

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    1. All the best, Guy! I admire the priorities
      ‘At first I said there is no way someone can be celibate for that long, surely you’d get dizzy spells and, or, migraines and athlete’s foot?’

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    2. I like that he is totally sold out to Christ. Christianity comes with a whole lot of maturity and God will surely grant his desire of finding an authentic Christian woman. Eph 3.20 Now to him who is able to do, immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work in us. That work will come to its completion in Jesus Christ.

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  2. Faith and spirituality are big issues. I hope that his quest to be married doesn’t consume him to the point that he makes another mistake. As always, it was a good read. I also hate when ugali and ngwaci dries on my finger tips. Lol

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    1. The way my body is structured if he stopped going to the gym I’d have to be content in being lifted up in prayer

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  3. I have a friend who went through the exact same thing. He was not perfect but it really got him down when he lost his kids. He’s met someone else and hopefully it will work out this time.

    Back to Mr. Man, It is so refreshing to see a man wait to find the right person. I hope he finds someone who complements him and gets him to the next level. I am here rooting for you Mr. Man. Biko, do share with us the happy ending!

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  4. Maybe she’s one of those followers who comment “First!”

    Guy* [Not his real name, obviously] will find someone. I did and I was hopeless. God is faithful. That’s why we sing that “Everything na dabo dabo” song.

    Also, Biko, why would you confuse people with the word ‘pugilist’? Just say boxer. Vocabulary wachia Malkiat Singh.

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    1. Such nice men are rare to find but we can’t even appreciate them when we get them instead we are looking for those faults and inadequacies as if there are angels somewhere waiting for us. Nobody is perfect.

      1. You can never crack this code called “What women really want” and there’s no manual on it.. Just live with them as they come, coz its kinda a hard nut to crack…. Hahahahaahhaah…

    1. Why are other people here not stuck on this, I mean, what does the future really portend, for poor asbestos?!

  5. “He wanted someone much younger, like 26-33. Maybe she’s on leave and just woke up to do last night’s dishes. Maybe she’s in the comment section.”

    All this can’t be coincidence, now can it?

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    1. He really does sound like a decent guy.

      I chuckled at the mention of Mavuno because a time like this last year, I was making plans to take the Ndoa class. But things don’t always work out as we want them to.

      So chocolate man, how are we doing this thing? Ama pia hii ni lottery?

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      1. Well, you could possibly start out with the just recently acquired Huduma Numbers… Sort, jumble, poll or just, something.

    1. Hehe, he is even avoiding key holes ,really!! Hung on Mr. Guy all will be well and thumps up for that kind of humility, not all would persevere.

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  6. athlete’s foot from dry spells! plus not even looking at keyholes for a year; is that what they call tertiary virginity?

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      1. P, she’s the one who left him and went to live with another man. He tried counseling too. In as much as he would want to reconcile with her, you can’t reconcile with someone who isn’t there to reconcile with in the first place.

      2. It is good to reconcile, but reconciliation is only possible if both parties are willing. Then there is a biblical provision for divorce when adultery is involved.

  7. Maybe… but I am curious in all this soul searching if he found it within himself to do the co-parenting and do it well. R.S.V.P. One last thought,..I am wondering what form his idea of “God” takes, a religious or spiritual one? Mysterious Guy!

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  8. At first when I read you were writing about men, I was worried I might have to find something else to do on Tuesday morning, but I stuck it out and I’m grateful for that. Reading this stuff gives me a sort of footing on the world because I tend to live in my head a lot. Through you I’ve gotten to live out so many stories and view life from different perspectives. Thanks

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  9. Haha, really Biko. I hope he finds peace and love I wish him well. Women can be poisonous Kwanza when we make a few coins. Keep on hooking him up.

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  10. This life has shown and taught me things. He shall get what he is looking for… let me send a friend a link to this story. She is also looking, we had a long heart to heart jana. She just might be the one..lol…

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  11. Oh Wow! I hope he finds love soon. I have lovely sunday school teachers in my church who fit this age and of course faith. 🙂

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  12. He said it was easy, “the first year is the toughest.” To mean he even avoids eye contact with keyholes.
    Hahahaha this is funny *picturing a keyhole right now

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  13. Just tell him to give up. This thing isn’t for any Harry……..if he can’t, then he should not struggle. I advice him to take it easy and not to place so many conditions on the person he wants for a WiFi!

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  14. This encourages me that there are still good men out there. Such stories ever get to see the light of day.
    Hope he gets the right one this time round

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  15. Story of my life…female version: “This job is the one paying for stuff in the house yet you still question work calls…” Heck, I even relate to the part where he says, she wanted to see how long he’d survive without her,because she knew his little take home. He as well started dating a colleague weeks after I moved out, it definitely ‘cut like a knife’ because you wonder why his life goes on pretty well yet you on the other side struggle to start afresh….hmm these marriages.

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  16. Marriage is really hard, especially when you have different views in life. I married young then stayed for seven years and after that rodeo….I think some people do better single. I didn’t know what I wanted or rather the one I married never gave me room for opinions. Your guy needs to start meeting people without rules mara I want someone who is bla bla, meet someone get to know them then maybe things can work for him. The worst anyone can do is go out there looking for someone to marry, there are women/men who will package themselves as who you want them to be.
    Good luck to him!

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    1. The bible clearly tells us not to yoke ourselves to unbelievers. He needs to stick to his conditions. Taking someone who doesn’t share in His beliefs will only lead to the same result. I’m sure he knows that now.

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    2. “I think some people do better single. I didn’t know what I wanted or rather the one I married never gave me room for opinions. Your guy needs to start meeting people without rules mara I want someone who is bla bla,…” Well put. What I can give him thumps up for is that he’s not sleeping around like a stray dog.

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    1. Do these people who offer Pre Marital Couselling services refund back your cash if their advices didn’t work?

  17. Wow, Mine didn’t work either. I am in the process of leaving the marriage. Marriage is tough especially if you can no longer communicate like adults. Someone said, ‘if you have to play detective, then it’s time to move one’.

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  18. such a read. It makes me wonder whether in this generation I am going to get a wife or rather,if I am good enough for someone. Confusions galore

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  19. In this day and age finding a man who is abstinent and insists on it is extremely rare and greatly admirable.May he find her.

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  20. Jackson, (does anybody call you that, I wonder?) now you are into match-making! Interesting. Perhaps you should dig a little more and find one (a match-making) that succeeded – I mean ended in a couple being pronounced husband and wife.
    It has often been assumed that women are the ones who bend over backwards to try and make things work – for God and children. But here is man who proves it is not just women. Men too are strong on family. But it seems that a combination where the woman earns more works more in exception rather than as a norm! So, it is true, to the girls his money is ‘our’ money and her money is hers alone? If that be case in a marriage, then that is anything but a partnership, which a marriage is meant to be!
    I once knew a guy who before they married, was not employed but his fiancee was. And he had access to her ATM card and knew its PIN! I thought that was remarkable that early in the relationship. They are still married, more than ten years on, and going strong.
    Nice read – as always.

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    1. Its because society has socilaised us to believe men are to provide.but as women get more successful the dynamics have shifted so we have to be socialised again to believe in marriage it’s our money.

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  21. Ooooo woow!!! But this is an amazing man!!

    Si you give us his contacts Biko 🙂 (and this is a good kind of ‘si’ not the kind that kills spirits)

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    1. Totally agreed and Biko we should get calendar invites, for when we are going for a date with him,and you Biko should not come, lest your forehead gets in the way of God’s will.

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  22. Our God is the same God that helped his business. He will surly get him a good wife! Hang in there.. Loved this Biko! Thanks.

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  23. God is faithful…veery faithful. Tell Him to keep trusting.

    And I know several friends that fits the description of what He is looking for. Maybe He should give out His number.

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  24. I pray every night for my future husband; for his mind and soul, all his endeavors, his family and relationships, and everything that he touches. I pray for myself too that I’ll be the wife that He aspires for that great man that he’s preparing. Could this be him? I’d really appreciate if you could get me I touch with Guy (not his real name of course)

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  25. Sigh..I remember this story from the Saturday magazine Mantalk…he as well stated he didn’t want those saved mamas who sip wine…*rolls eyes to the back of the head..*
    Yet in John 2..Jesus turned water into wine and in 1 Timothy 5:23 Paul recommends a little wine for “thy stomach’s sake and thine often infirmities.” (Context and amount is important so as not to overdo stuff to the point of inebriation)
    Bottomline: Stop cherry picking in God’s house. It’s not a supermarket. He’s the Boss, not you. He may give you someone totally opposite to what you’ve noted down on your list.
    This is because He sees everything in light of eternity, and the person He will offer you is for the advancement of His Kingdom.

    15
    1. @Meryl i concur with you,maybe he will have to meet someone whom he will have to make her find Jesus,since he was also made too by the lady but his faith grew stronger than the one who introduced him to Jesus.

    2. And here I was scrolling downwards to make the application.. sigh. I’m one of those saved ones who sip wine, be flexible

    3. @MerylIf he has so many standards then I wonder if his lady only left him because of the financial issue or there was more. There is truly three sides to a story, his, hers and the truth. Right now, we have only one.

      1
    4. If you check the marriages in the bible from Sarah and Abraham, Rebecca and Isaac to Rachael and Jacob there seemed to be genuine attraction and I believe our God says “He will satisfy the desires of our hearts as long we delight ourselves in Him” Psa 37:4 so i am all for cherry picking let Him not settle and wait on God.

      5
      1. Very true Marakesh, Abraham was in fact so choosy that he had to send someone all the way to Laban’s for his son Isaac’s wife.
        Plus there are bible standards….and it is best for one to adhere to his convictions especially when it comes to life-time commitments….then there is the aspect of once bitten twice shy…..Guy can not afford to not ‘cherry pick’

        1
  26. “It’s all fun and games until she is your girlfriend and not someone’s wife, now you are no longer stealing moments ” That’s called reality of a cheat

    8
  27. “Kwani whose side are you on?”

    “Elephants,” I said. “But seriously, so these things started when you got married ama they were there but you never saw them?”

    You just made my boss ask to see why i was laughing.Now he is reading your story mayoooo.

    ION-Mr.Guy i have forwarded this story to my friend who you can hook up.

    @biko ati you are on the elephants side.

    5
  28. Biko, can you find a couple that have been married 10 years plus and still hoping for a child. Their struggle is that of getting a child? Thank you.

    I have to say i have enjoyed this marriage posts very much. Just like i enjoyed the 40’s one and also the parenthood ….. seems i named all of them. I like the direction you always choose to take with your writing.

    1
  29. great read…such circumstances may have you doubting the faith… its only in Him that everything makes sense. May he’s true rib find him. cheers to a better tomorrow.

  30. Now Biko is back to being Biko….my life has not been the same for the last 2weeks. But that aside.
    My stellar line was “To mean he even avoids eye contact with keyholes.”……I mean, what kind of dry-spell would that be? I feel the last paragraph will be read by souls whispering “this is me, this is mine” while a few would want him to expand the age requirement a little bit. All the same, I wish a brother well in his quest for his soulmate.

    2
    1. Tell the poor man that a fellow poor girl, who loves God, children and boiled chicken is here….Oh and gym too. I could take him back to his gym old days

  31. “Do you know how small that makes you feel?” This line Maaanze! Disrespect is just inexplicable, especially when it comes from someone you truly love.

    1
  32. Biko, I am also on the side of elephants ( and Llamas 😉 ). I am also on Guy’s side. I would love to personally hear what his sound of silence is like.

    1
  33. It gives me hope to know that there are men willing to wait for marriage to involve intimacy. It is a beautiful story and hopefully he gets to meet the one he seeks.

  34. Wow Biko. Really? Pugilist? I had to look it up. Yaani we come here for vocabulary lessons. Sawa tu.
    Great read as always. The guy is a good man, the kind many women want in their dreams but rare go for.

    My take on God being behind the pain and suffering the human race experiences: Tragedy is an integral part of life and every human being has his/her share of tragedy. It has nothing to do with our action or inaction. Not once has the good Lord promised us an easy life if we choose to follow Him. But He has promised grace and strength.

    May Mr. Man continue walking boldly in this journey he has chosen. I wish him well.

    2
    1. Believers in Christ shouldn’t forget that we live in a fallen world…and this world is definitely not our home.
      One may go through worse disappointment, hurt, pain, grief when they’ve chosen to hop from the dark side to His marvelous light and kingdom, and this is simply because the devil has identified them as the enemy, and spiritual warfare and persecution is real.
      In all things we are victorious even when it feels like we’re not. Just keep your eyes on Christ and it will be well. Key word is grace…”His grace is sufficient for me.”

      1
  35. I have learnt to enjoy this season of singlehood… Let him enjoy and grow in it; perhaps God is still working on him and her?
    Instead of asking ‘why me’ or ‘how long’, ask ‘how will I wait’, ‘who will I become along the way’, ‘who has God called me to be/what is God’s purpose for me’… In that journey, he will find his Ruth.

    3
    1. Hahaha! Si I wait for Tuesdays! Si you write another one in the middle of the week. Si you enjoy your holiday kesho!

  36. I also found out that he, too, was an ass man, after I found out that he wasn’t an ass

    I saw what you did there, hehe

    2
    1. I have a sister.
      Her ass is the SI unit.
      I am not kidding.

      She loves Jesus completely
      She is the family type
      “Waaaiff” material with a capital W

      Where does Guy hang out?
      I want to tell her to pass pass by there
      When he sees her, I am almost certain that he will know her from behind

      2
  37. I read this story, and it felt like reading my own story, everything except, for me, went back to my parents house. It is so hard to find a man of Faith. Let Grace bring you home.

    2
  38. He had a keen sense of gym fashion before apparel was a thing. He knew he looked good. We knew he looked good.

    I didn’t like him.

    1
  39. I know myself very well.
    But for the grace of God I am one of those “foolish” women who could have destroyed my family with my own hands if I had earned significantly more than my husband when I was in my twenties up to my late thirties.

    God had so much mercy on me and kept me off self destruction mode. He kept me completely broke for many years till the day I matured enough spiritually, emotionally and socially to handle the blessing of financial abundance.

    Now that I am earning millions more than the man who loved and treasured me when I had zero, I find myself loving and appreciating him more with every passing day.

    He stuck by me and our children and supported his and my parents and siblings tirelessly and with no grudge, giving his all for the family.

    Now that I have had opportunity to be a blessing to him and our entire family, I cannot thank God enough for granting me the privilege to do the necessary the same way I watched him do it over the years: tirelessly and with no grudge.

    This wonderful man of mine has taught me what real love is all about. I am forever indebted to him.

    As we go about the very serious business of living, never forget that

    No 1.
    Hii dunia ni duara

    No 2.
    Majuto ni mujuku, huja badaye

    41
    1. I’m glad you learnt your lessons
      We need people like you to speak up more… I’d be happy to get to know you

  40. ‘He was also categorical that he didn’t want someone who would want to have premarital sex.’
    Wow! There actually are such men!

    Hmmm… Having a common faith is wonderful, but both must be true to this common faith….

    If he’s Adventist I’d be interested…

  41. Marriage is something else. From what I hear. Can be great but then again it can go tits up. I think I’d better take my time in choosing the right person.

  42. I googled pugilist…

    But why and how do these ungrateful bitches get all the eligible men then blow it up?? That guy is the whole package for most women wanting to settle down…

    4
  43. ”It’s all fun and games until she is your girlfriend and not someone’s wife,” he said. “Now you are no longer stealing moments.” Forbidden fruits taste sweeter. So they say.

  44. I’ll never look at the keyhole the same again 🙂

    Mr. ” guy”, .
    Love is a beautiful thing and you deserve it.
    May it come your way if not for anything else, for the fact that you’ve abstained for 4 years. (insert that emoji of **mikono juu**)

    2
  45. Wow av read this to bits..such a wonderful story.I pray it has a happy ending.
    God fearing ladies are there, let him pray about it, all will be well.
    To every single person God created a mate.

    1
  46. Very nice read. That guy is so me. Big on faith and family and doing everything to make it work. And also the bit on premarital sex. And the bit on waiting for the right guy to find me. Almost 30 but sticking to my values no sex before marriage ever again.

    5
      1. When people don’t want pre marital sex it doesn’t mean that they are virgins, it only means that they have changed their ways. Go Neyda

        1
  47. It’s really sad how toxic people end up with good people only to destroy & destabilize them. And it’s amazing that guys can be patient enough to find the right woman. One of a kind! And Biko, your sense of humor is on anaa level… Ati picking strawberries from dessert with fingers in slo mo
    I pray he finds what he’s looking for.

  48. “To mean he even avoids eye contact with keyholes.” Hahahaaha

    Wewe Biko lazma we huiva kiasi kabla ukalie iyo keyboard.

    Always a good read.

    1. This saying is causing a storm….didn’t get this saying…..maybe am the odd one here….or maybe am just slow….woi….

        1. 🙂 allow me to pass …
          It has some overtones likely to suggest that it cannot be mentioned in the same line with ‘chastity’…

          Wacha niendelee tu na ushamba yangu…

          1
          1. Haha….
            Hii ushamba hauwezani nayo…….. You’d be lost…
            PS: I almost asked mbona niende out for a drink na niko na uji kwa nyumba?… 😀

            4
  49. Good read. These articles on marriage have made me realise that I have such sexist views when it comes to marriage. I always think it’s the man’s fault because I’ve grown up with the notion that men always cheat and men always leave. Good to know evil in marriage is genderless.

    3
  50. You got me laughing at “Stroooooong!” when you were struggling to complete your bench press…. and …. Badgering the witness…
    It’s always nice hearing/reading from you Biko

    1. You are on elephant’s side Biko!! Your way with words is on another level. Hope Mr. guy finds his true rib.

  51. “…or someone who picks her strawberry from her desert with her fingers in slow motion” . You know Biko, you need a lot of help. …and I second the thing of ‘No smileys’ here. Do something. Lol.

  52. You brought up his problem in the last statement, He is too nice, women love rogues, he needs to become a little bit of a rogue as it stands his doormat ways are destroying his game.

  53. He definitely won’t get athletes’ foot while trying to avoid eye contact with key holes!! Man, you’re gross…

  54. Guy sounds interesting. I like a man who has gone through the fire and survived it. On pre-marital sex, we are together on that but i think I would be thrown out coz of a little sip here and there once in a while. Maybe I like to have fun {harmless kind with no touching}. I wish you well Guy and those of us looking for such kind of men as well.

  55. From this blog to the universe really! Refreshing to see a man actively searching for one to marry and do this whole family thing. Dating in these streets is an extreme sport nowadays! Hope it works out for you sir 🙂

    1. This read was sooooo gooooood (insert vlogger intonation). The world would be a better place if we stopped cherry-picking and found friends whom we would then marry.

      Marriage is about going all in, not 50-50, 100-100. (borrowed from my married friend).

  56. I like this guy. May he continue to wait upon God and get busy in His Vineyard. God will definitely make everything beautiful. he will indeed get him the woman who truly loves God and will love him too!

    1
  57. Isn’t the universe a shitty place sometimes? Am not a man but from my situation I kinda feel where he is coming from. I know what it feels to touch someone trying to be intimate only for them to push you away like you have leprosy or something, staying up late nights wondering what wee hours he will show up today, trying to start a conversation only to be met by an angry face! You sit there and wonder if there is something wrong with you, you repent and pray to God to make things better but nothing is changing…then I come here and read this story and am asking myself if am being punished for something I did, and if I am for how much longer?

    2
    1. For a moment I thought you were giving my story.
      I’ve experienced this, and much more, including washing semen stains off his trousers……

      I’ll never forget the day I walked out. It was both a heart break and a rejuvenation…..a death and a rebirth happening simultaneously…..

      4
  58. Mr Guy* is too nice……..so there is no excitement there. The minute he starts being a bad boy, he will attract those nice church-going ladies in the age bracket he wants, they will appreciate his bad boy ways and his broke ways. The minute he reverts to Mr. Nice guy, they will all flee. Sadly, the opposite is also true.

  59. Yaani you just had to say maybe she’s driving to see a doctor fot her annual pap smear? Haha I feel him. But money or rather finances is a really tricky topic especially between couples. And he’s not looking for premarital sex and he’s big on his faith, may the Lord bring such a man my way..

    1
    1. Could connect him to someone I know.but I don’t how to connect people.or how to make hearts of two,cherish each other.plus am of lesser age than them.too bad.

  60. My two cents to him“Look for a good person” A person who is respectful whether Christian or not, a person who is truthful because they choose it as a value to live by. An authentic individual who has values they stand for. That person will respect and help you uphold your values.
    But hey, what do I know.

    1. In addition to being a good looking, you must be a good person. Alot of men miss this component of life, so you want a good looking woman to be seen with and your spirit is unsettled. What is the win in this arrangement?

      4
  61. Awesome.Good to know that there are good men in this world willing to wait and simply allow God to be the guide in the whole relationship.Thank you for the setting a good example to fellow men.
    May out good lord make our paths to meet

    1
  62. Biko,
    If you make less money than her, she goes “you broke mother*****, if she makes more money than you, ” I hate this s*** I don’t want to make all these decisions”. (Chris Rock, stand up). “What do these b***** want from a n*****, somebody let me know”. (DMX, musician).

  63. Let go and let God. I know you will be just fine and I do hope you continue enriching your relationship with your son. Some women are just as selfish as men who are in their 40s and completely refuse to mature up.

    5
    1. LOL, you are refering to those 40 year olds who play loud music, in their cars, wear skinny jeans and have friends 10 years younger than them so that the can feel secure? Lol, I know a few of those and it’s hilarious come to think about it.

      6
  64. Mr Guy….has his own issues. Like his performance in loin entertainment..he could be too insecure….. Mr Guy is not telling you the truth Biko. He is hiding behind religion to cover for his misgivings. Guy could be abstaining from key holes() but doing something else with Geisha.
    Biko…guy is not very straight. I can read him from Kinungi

    3
    1. Nice read! I would be interested to meet him. I guess I meet most of what he is looking for apart from age. But again compatibility is very crucial

    2. “Mr Guy….has his own issues. Like his performance in loin entertainment..he could be too insecure….” Hahahahaahahahahahahahahaha

      5
  65. “Plus, he’s dark, I like light men.” This just got me laughing. But there are two sides to a story. Find the woman and get her version. I wish him well…5 year celibacy is no joke!

  66. Avoiding eye contact with keyholes? Biko you can’t be serious. Crazy hilarious.

    Been celibate for a year now… Super hard.

  67. Biko, perhaps you should have a gig that will bring senior bachelors and spinsters together. Its really difficult to date after your first marriage since most of your age mates are married and the new singles are hiding in their jobs, gyms, homes. I’m 41 years, been single and celibate for 6 years. I believe that only God can fulfill your life whether single or married. I also know that I am complete with or without a companion, however I do desire to do life with someone. Consider this gig Biko, ama? Oh and by the way, we might “Crossroads” with Guy at Mavuno, who knows? ☺

    2
    1. Don’t settle for a divorcee, they have too much baggage. You would rather meet a guy through friends, they will have done the due diligence already. Thank me later.

      6
    1. By last year October he had been celibate four years. (Still is, last I checked.) At first I said there is no way someone can be celibate for that long, surely you’d get dizzy spells and, or, migraines and athlete’s foot? He said it was easy, “the first year is the toughest.” To mean he even avoids eye contact with keyholes.

      stuck at “he even avoids eye contact with keyholes.

      I hope he finds his soul mate, his first wife was never meant for him, she was just a stepping stone to a great and happy union.. All the best man..
      Biko nice read there. Cheers

  68. Wow. That’s a really touching story to me. We pray God gives him someone at the right time seen fit by God.
    And he should never give up on God and on his principles. 🙂

  69. To all the ladies looking for a significant other, take a good look at the men in your friend zone. He might just be sitting there disguised as a friend. The good ones are always right in front of you. As it is said, the best things are often hidden in plain sight.

    1
  70. You’re a great story teller. I love this piece, especially those aspects touching on Faith, because I’m skeptical about religion

  71. ohh a celibate man. A rare gem. In this era of sex first dates later this is very refreshing. I am interested. And faith is very important to me. Biko, ( Nigerian for please) – see what I did there?….ok hook me up.

  72. Men like you are rare. Abstaining takes more than just not having sex, it involves respecting yourself. There is more to life than shifting pants.

    5
  73. I once brought home a light skinned girl and later on my mother asked me, “My son you couldn’t find a dark skinned lady out there” Rest her soul, I did a few years after she passed. Different strokes for different folks.

    5
  74. You can never understand what some ladies want. Sometime they want the traditional macho man, some other time they want the down-to-earth nice man. You can’t understand them sometimes.

    1. You can never crack this code called “What women really want” and there’s no manual on it.. Just live with them as they come, coz its kinda a hard but to crack…. Hahahahaahhaah…

  75. This one hit home, because I have experienced almost something similar where I had huge hopes for a family and it just didn’t work out. But God is faithful, He has seen me through it.
    If you read this, the Word of God says that you will NEVER be ashamed so shame is not your portion. I applaud you as a man for being celibate for 4 years. God will give you an amazing wife, keep waiting on Him.

  76. Hahhahahaha- eish this article has cracked me up. But seriously, a car MUST be test-driven. What if that is where the problem lies?

  77. Sometimes the world has a mocking way of rewarding good men and good women. You give your all but on the other hand, you are fed a cup of pepper juice. You see, that thing turns your life red. And while you writhe in pain, your person goes around the corners of the world drinking, parting and hugging with strange men like frenzied baboons. But God in the heavens is a faithful God. When life brings you to your knees, He lifts you up to see a brighter tomorrow. And as they say, there’s someone for everyone. So you Guy…

  78. Introducing Biko, the match maker.
    Alright,
    Build it up next week.
    You will be surprised what comes out of the comments section, or from people who are typing with ugali dried on their hands.

    Well in, Sir.

  79. Good read. I wish him luck, but his expectations are too high. At times the perfect match is what you both make it to be. Am still stuck at celibate for four years…how now?? And “To mean he even avoids eye contact with key holes” got me cracking

  80. God will surely bring the right person at the right time to him. He is not a man that He should lie – God

  81. Achana na madem, focus on making money first. Relationships are not good when you are broke. It’s annoying. One is easily irritable for nothing, self esteem goes down with less than 5USD in the pocket.

    4
  82. The grass is always greener on the other side but when you get there you realize you are supposed to be the gardener to keep it green…
    Might as well throw my hat in the ring

  83. I loved this part ”He was also categorical that he didn’t want someone who would want to have premarital sex. She’d have to be willing to go on dates and things but not try and take him to bed. ” Very few men can say that

  84. I am reading this quite late yaani, na vile opportunity knocks only once jameni!
    Anyhu, so according to your checklist up above:
    i am in the comments section (tick)
    i am not writing my resignation for the umpteenth time (Sigh)
    i am not driving for a pap-smear (sigh again)
    i am not at mavuno (sigh sigh sigh)
    i have not just done dishes (sigh sigh sigh sighest)
    i am not on leave (another sigh)

    Hmmm! Mr. very born again -turned around, priest of the home guy. Hapa sioni nikitoboa aki.

    One piece of advice though, and that which is very true, a wrong marriage will take you straight to hell. And Satan has learnt how to trap believers in this. You marry wrong, you end up carrying all manner of bitterness, resentment, hate, jealousy, the kind of stuff that defiles you heart and makes it impossible to fellowship and walk with God.
    Do not be anxious for nothing guy, even this marriage thing. Do not allow yourself to be anxious over anything, but in all things, through prayer and supplication, make your requests known to God. He is a good father, he has not forgotten you. And when the time is right, God will definitely bless you with a partner. All those things you list will not matter then. Meanwhile concentrate on fellowship with God, so that when Satan brings any distractions, the Holy Spirit will quicken you to walk away. All the best guy, men like you are a rare gem. The decision you have made to stay holy and celibate is a noble one, and the Lord shall surely reward you accordingly.

    PS: Bado uko na misuli 🙂

    3
  85. Marriage based on all the wrong values is bound to go to the crapper faster than dondo ya kibandaski.Sadly, issues to do with money have brought many marriages to a grinding halt because this is a conversation that was not had with sincerity from the word go , it is one of those proverbial chickens from the air brushed version of “where do you see yourself in five years” talk that come home to roost eventually. faith too is a litmus test to not be fucked with you either have it or do not because you will be tested in marriage it is safe to have somewhere to cool your tongues even if it is just a make believe version of a higher power you need it and it needs to be mutually agreed upon. Without faith and clarity of who we are we do dick measuring in the house who has more money is the pied piper and for a man and his ego regardless of faith can only prance along to the piper’s tune for so long before he breaks. Utapata mchumba ndugu but know you have to be whole yourself before anyone else can come to add a to your cup(however cliche this sounds I have found it to be personally true.. .no one should ever complete you, you complete you and others just come to complete your awesomeness.

    1
  86. I have been in the same(underline the word same) situation as that guy and yes she maybe in the comments section for myself too.

    2
  87. I rarely feel sorry for men who go through shit, I can almost bet my tuition fees that he has not been honourable when it comes to many women and it’s just payback. He has played with women’s hearts and the one who plays him had to be the mother of his child. Karma!

    6
  88. My Guy, where can you be found? I would rather date a broke guy than a serial cheater. Because cheating is in your DNA.

    1
    1. “He heard she broke up with the man because, well, it’s all fun and games until she is your girlfriend and not someone’s wife,” he said. “Now you are no longer stealing moments.”

  89. whats really magical here is the love story between you Biko, and Guy.
    ps. the comment section is mad, took me a full minute of frantic scrolling to get here. are his future wives all commenting?
    maybe she is me, at the office right now, snacking on peanuts, wondering when the hell ill meet a nice *faithful* man of faith. but it probably wont work out with the whole not sampling the goods thing. i would want to sample those biceps before i locked him down.

    1
  90. Well Biko, when he ‘cherry picks’ girls that’s what you get. It’s so tiring to hear the story where the guys ignores other girls that may not be diva pretty but may have the right values, then things go south and all of a sudden he is the victim. From the story the guy is the victim throughout. Not once did he acknowledge what he might have supplemented in the relationship for the lack of financial contribution. He also sounds vane from the obsession with the biceps. The guy seems superficial tbh. Does he deserve the girl he is looking for? Other than money does he have anything else to offer? Jeez!

  91. The most encouraging read in a while….that there are men out there practicing celibacy and are willing to work on raising a family, often deemed as a woman’s responsibilty. I wouldn’t mind meeting this one, Great read Biko.

    1
  92. i know the perfect lady. big on faith. will never ever pull the strawberry stuff and is only waiting until marriage

  93. Eh, at this rate many a singlestance boy-child specie, could really do with a well deserved mention on your blog, Biko. Consider their plea.

  94. Ooh my he is a good man…,celibacy n Strong faith n God heard his prayer… he never let the house to be closed. Amen somebody!.goòd people don’t meet each other. But ppl can try anyway.

  95. Wow! That was quite a powerful, insightful yet sad story that depicts some of the marriage times couples go through. I hope by now Mr. Guy has settled into his second marriage.

  96. Purity is a choice,commitment and a covenant with God and preserving it in such a wild world it brings joy and God rewards those that find strength in what brings Him glory. May God remember you and reward your purity with greatness in Jesus Name.

  97. I’m here! Lol! Just kidding! I don’t fit the age bracket. But I really like that he is principled and hardworking… love is tough… I think he gave it a good shot