Going To The Mattresses

   230    
542

I couldn’t go to his house because he didn’t want his wife to know he was giving me an interview. Sometimes the less the wife knows the better for the general peace of the home. My brother likes to say that sometimes unsolicited information to the wife, in a moment of heady enthusiasm, is like a boomerang – one day it might come back to hit you in the face. That’s the thing; everybody has a piece of marriage advice to give. You don’t even have to go looking for it, people just walk with marriage advice in their pockets, ready to hand it over like alms. When you stand at a security check where you surrender your phone and car keys and laptop before you walk through the metal detector, watch people also place marriage advice on the tray. Some advice is so harmful nobody should be allowed to go into buildings with them, because what if you forget and someone takes it home?

Anyway, he suggested that we meet in the parking lot of a small mall ten minutes’ drive from his house because, well, the unabating viral winds have shut the doors of restaurants.

I got there ten minutes early and parked against a wall fence with crawlers. A nearby tree cast a shadow over my bonnet. To kill time, I got on YouTube and watched an old episode of “Patanisho” on Radio Jambo, my latest addiction. That segment is wild and hilarious. If for nothing else the show illustrates that any story has two sides. Gidi, the main presenter, is calm, sober and pragmatic and he steers the show’s delicate emotional intelligence. Ghost Mulee’s laughter is the icing. It’s insane. It’s the kind of laughter that you can use as collateral for a bank loan. Ghost doesn’t seem to do anything in that segment but laugh and when he starts laughing it’s so infectious you have to join him.

I looked up as a silver VW Polo with dark tints parked. The guy I was waiting for didn’t sound like he drove a Polo. He sounded like a guy who would have called a Polo, a ‘lady’s car.’ Sure enough, the driver’s door opened and a lady’s right leg in Maasai sandals stepped out. I went back to Patanisho until 12pm when I WhatsApped him;  “The eagle has landed.”

“I’m also here,” he texted back.

“Are you the chic in a silver Polo?” I asked.

He sent a laughing emoji. There are two laughing emojis on WhatsApp for the uninitiated. There is the normal laughing emoji and the other laughing emoji with his head bent, eyes shut tightly, laughing harder. That’s the one he sent.

“No, I’m in the white car, the one next to the old shape Prado” he wrote. [It wasn’t white. We are just throwing the wife off.] I couldn’t see any Prado. I figured (all on my own) he was parked on the other side of the parking lot.

“You came alone?” I asked, unclipping my seatbelt.

“Lol. Yeah.”

“Are you sure you weren’t followed?” I was taking this very seriously.

Another laughing emoji.

The inside of his car smelled of leather because his car seats were full leather. It felt like it was the early 80s and I was getting into John Shaft’s car. [Surely, you’ve watched Shaft, right?] I don’t understand people who have full leather seats in their car. Or, far worse, leather sofas in their house. Leather seats and sofas feel irresponsible, like you long crossed the line where you cared. Do you want to turn your living room into a Government VIP Airport lounge or a home where children grow up? How can children grow up as well-rounded citizens in an environment full of leather sofas? I think leather sofas ruin children or any pets that live in those homes. How can you be around such kitsch and still function normally?

Inside, I turned around in my seat to inspect the backseat of this leatherdom. The back seat was scrupulously clean except for a box of serviettes in case someone started crying after being shouted at for spilling a drink on this precious leather. Because his car was tinted, I made a mental note to wipe my fingerprints off anything I touched while in there.

“Have you always wanted to have leather seats since you were a baby?” I asked him. Somehow he thought that was a joke because he laughed. He was in his late 30s, prematurely balding and with a beard any man would have been proud of. He had hair on his thick forearms. I wondered if he had ever had handcuffs slapped on his wrists by a cop. He was in shorts and a trendy polo shirt that had seen better days.

“You don’t look like you,” he said, “how do I know you are bikozulu?”

“You don’t. We just have to learn to live by faith.” I said. “You know, I’ve never met a man in his car like this.”

“It’s exactly the same as sitting in a car with a chic, only there is no touching.”

We cackled at that.

“It still feels clandestine, no?” I told him, “like we are drug dealers.”

“You are selling or buying?”

“No, I’m here to tell you not to encroach on my territory, or there will be consequences. People will die painful deaths.” I said. “Did you ever read The Godfather?”

“No. I watched the movie.”

“Of course, why read when you can watch. Anyway, when two mafia families disagreed and they were going to fight it out with guns and shit, they’d call it ‘going to the mattresses,” know why?”

“Why?”

“Because the soldiers would all leave their homes and families and sleep in secret safe houses all over the city from where they would launch attacks on the enemy. Those houses had no furniture or beds. They slept on mattresses on the floor. That’s where the name came from, ‘going to the mattresses’ to mean, ‘going to war.’ So I’m here to tell you if you don’t stop selling drugs on my turf, we will go to the mattresses.”

“Then the mattresses it shall be,” he said.

How I ended up in his car is that he had emailed me months ago, we set up an interview but then he got cold feet. He then resurfaced weeks later saying he was ready to sing. From his email he said he was married to a woman who had two sons from a previous marriage and that it was so complicated, this blended family thing. His wife’s ex-husband, he wrote, was “a supreme dick.” [His words, not mine]. Also, they couldn’t get babies of their own and it was beginning to gnaw at his heels.

Our car windows were down and the crispiness of the slightly overcast day wafted in. His radio was on Homeboyz Radio. They met online in 2015, he told me. He sent her a message on Instagram which she turned to ‘read’ after two months. She didn’t post much and when she did post pictures of herself the captions that went with them had absolutely nothing to do with the pictures. A picture of her in a long flowy dress with a flash of leg would be captioned; “don’t let yesterday take too much of today.” A picture of her seated coquettishly holding a glass of wine would attract a caption, “we generate fears while we sit, we overcome them by action.”

Anyway, he liked her because she didn’t know what a MILF was, yes, but also she was the kind that he liked; full lips, natural hair and full hips. She seemed discreet but also complicated, something you always felt you would never quite figure out in your lifetime. They met up. She said she had just gotten divorced not too long ago and she wasn’t looking for anything serious and in any case she had two young sons she was focusing on. “I didn’t think it would get serious to be honest,” he said. “She had two boys. Come on, one boy is tricky enough, but two! I didn’t feel like it would go this far to be honest because it just felt like I was going to be taking on a lot. Fine, she said the ex-husband was paying fees for the boys but emotionally I felt like I was biting into a lot. But what is love?” He shrugged resignedly. They got married three years later at the AG’s office.

“The first time I met her ex-husband face to face was at her son’s school event,” he said, “I instantly disliked him. He was trying to show me madha, you know. Kwanza how he hugged my wife. It was like he wasn’t an ex anymore. Initially I thought that maybe I was too sensitive, so I chilled.”

“Kwani, how did he hug her?”

“He held her tight and for longer than necessary. I mean, you don’t hug someone’s wife like that when the husband is standing right there, even if you share kids. What are you trying to show him?”

He didn’t want to cause a ruckus over it and acknowledge his issues. He didn’t want to paint himself as the jealous type who sulks when a baboon hugs his wife. It felt petty and petulant. So he looked the other way. Until it happened again at the end of another term function. “That guy was simply saying he didn’t acknowledge me,” he said. He brought it up with her that evening and she defended him. “She said he was a touchy guy, that it meant nothing. The f***k!? ” He told her that he had a problem with such hugs. That he should go hug a cactus if touch was his language of love. They had one of those fights that don’t seem like fights but they are fights. You know them. Like pseudo-fights. He eventually put his foot down and said if she didn’t stop that huggy business he wouldn’t attend any school function. She said he was being a big baby. He shrugged and said fine. So he stopped attending the school functions.

The ex-husband also has the habit of just showing up at their house without calling first. Rather, he calls her but she forgets to inform him that he’s coming to pick the kids. He just shows up at their door with his hairy back and says he was “in the neighbourhood” as if their house is a drive-thru. “Sure, his kids live with me, but that’s my house, I’m the man there!” he said.

“Your spear is outside the door!” I said.

“You know!”

He feels like his wife refuses to define boundaries and so this primate just runs amok, hanging from his windows and doors. “He calls at night when they are in bed asking about the boys or discussing something about school,” he moans. “So can you imagine she excuses herself from the bed and goes to the sitting room to talk and she stays there for like five, ten minutes talking to this guy. It really pisses me off! Am I being unreasonable?”

“F**k this guy, man!” I said and he laughed. “I’d go to the mattresses with you on this one.”

Anyway, he told his wife that the next time he showed up at their door he would not be as hospitable as he had been so far. He might even make him an offer he can’t refuse.  So he stopped coming unannounced, and whenever he came he would wait downstairs in his car. “He’s one of those guys with family money,” he said, “running daddy’s business.” I groaned dramatically like it was the worst job on earth. Worse than hunting porcupines. Hating people with family money is not only easy, it’s fun.

He says he’s in a tricky position as the father of the boys. He is a father but he’s not a father because they have their own father who is active in their lives. The boundaries keep shifting under his feet as the boys grow older. “I can’t make any decisions where it concerns the boys,” he continued. “If we are planning a small holiday, she has to run it by him first for his consent to go with the boys. I can’t even buy them books ovyo ovyo, because apparently some content is not good for kids so he has to approve those purchases. He basically uses the kids to make me feel powerless, you know, to remind me of his influence and the fact that they aren’t mine. And the wife just stands aside, watching this happen. I feel like I’m married to her but she still gives him control over things in my own house.”

The kids haven’t helped either. Because they are now aware of the power dynamics, they have become a handful. “I find it very hard to discipline them…actually, I can’t. How do you discipline kids – they are under 10 – who aren’t yours and whose own mother, your wife, has shown through silence that there is a line?” He posed. “If I did, and often I want to be harder on them, you know a belt, a pinch on the cheek because they are boys and boys need a bit more aggressive parenting than girls, I think. But I can’t. My hands are tied. I’m sure he might sue me for abuse or some shit.” He’s a figurehead, an emperor without pants or powers. And he’s had it up to here. [Insert teeth].

He also suspects that his wife has never gotten off her contraceptives. She says she did, but he thinks otherwise. He suspects this because no matter how hard he tries they can’t seem to get pregnant. He has done tests to see if his swimmers are fine and they are. Her own tests are also fine. But no baby. He continues to put his back into it, literally- but he comes up short, not literally. “For the most part I feel like an outsider in the marriage. I feel outnumbered, they are four against me, one,” he said, “But what pisses me off the most is that she never seems to want to go against him or upset him for some reason and it really pisses me off.”

“How did they break up anyway,” I asked, “they seem to be a match made in heaven.”

“She said that they were a wrong fit. That it just couldn’t work out.” To mean he wasn’t a sociopath.

A watchman who had been keeping an eye on us suddenly came to his window. He had a rungu hanging from his belt, or what Americans call a nightstick. He looked like he planned to knock our heads with it if we dared run our mouths. We were scared. Two drug dealers shaking in their boots. He leaned in the window and asked politely if everything was okay. Our guy told him everything was peachy, we were just shooting the shit. He said sitting in cars for long stretches of time was not allowed and we had been seated there for over an hour. “What if we are waiting for someone?” my guy posed, obviously irritated from talking about the ex-husband. He was spoiling for it, I could tell. He was ready to unsheathe his sword and duel this man to his death. The security guy said that he was just following orders; rules are rules. He said ‘mkubwa’ had sent him after seeing us on CCTV from the office. Silver lining, we were famous; we were on CCTV. He wanted us to move along. Kindly. My guy said  ‘but we are paying for parking!” A moot point, if you asked me. I said boo from the passenger seat.

Yes, the security guy said, but you could also be a security threat. I don’t know. “Tunakaa kama jambazi?” My guy asked because thugs announce themselves by their dressing and mannerisms. The watchman was Luhya from the tag hanging from his lanyard, but you didn’t have to read the tag to know he was Luhya. He sounded Luhya. He was probably from Butere and he didn’t like being challenged, not at his workstation. He had come too far and worked too hard to take shit from anyone. I suspected that if they continued exchanging words, they might draw their weapons; rungu and ego and then they might end up in the mattresses.

I told the watchie that we won’t be long. I called him mkubwa. He thawed. That’s all he needed, to be acknowledged that he ran shit there. That he was the law. He hated our type in personal vehicles, entitled little pricks who make a stink if you bang their boots too hard. He mumbled something and wandered off, I suspect he said, “Mimi hamtanileteako bangi hapa. Mimi ni Wafula pwana, ndugu ya Nekesa.”

“Who pays the rent in your house, you or her?” I asked our guy.

He said the house was part of the divorce settlement.

“Ahh.” I said, in a Eureka voice.

“You think that’s a problem?”

“I don’t know. But you are technically living in that man’s house.”

He sat there, looking outside, thinking. A woman hauled a shopping bag in her boot while her child of about 6, a mask pulled down under her chin, looked on. He didn’t want to look bothered, but he was. Eventually he said, “My biggest issue now is this baby thing. I have no leverage. I mean, if I had my own child with her I wouldn’t care what he does with his sons to be honest. As it is now, I don’t really have a role that you can say I do as a parent. A few months ago,” he adjusted his car seat, reclined it slightly, “Remember that time I emailed you? I think it was after that. I sort of ran into some small tablets that she was taking in her drawer. I Googled them; they turned out to be contraceptives but when I asked her why she was taking them she said she wasn’t, that she used to take them kitambo but she stopped but she has never thrown them away. I didn’t believe her. I suspect that perhaps she doesn’t want to have babies anymore.”

“How old is she?”

“Early 40s.”

The lady with the kid reversed out of the parking.

“What will you do now?” I asked.

“I don’t know. She has two kids. I want a baby of my own, I’m already headed to my 40s. I love those boys but you know it’s different, right? They are not mine. They are not my blood, I’m connected less to them because I feel like I have not been allowed to participate in their lives, you know?”

“If the truth was reversed, would you still have the urge to have your own baby with her?” I ask.

He paused. “Yeah, I think so. I mean, who wouldn’t want their own child? I would.”

“What if she says that she isn’t ready to have a child anymore. She wanted to when she met you but now it feels like it’s not on her to-do.”

He licked his lips and shifted in his chair. “ I don’t know.”

I also didn’t know. But I knew we needed to get the hell out of there before Wafula from Butere came back. So we left and later, when I was in the bathroom taking a shower, I realised that I hadn’t wiped my fingerprints from the door handles and things. You might just see me in the news; writer held for questioning in an ongoing investigation of illegal importation of leather.

 

**

 

Haven’t got a copy of my book? Buy it here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

542
230 Comments
  1. ‘My brother likes to say that sometimes unsolicited information to the wife, in a moment of heady enthusiasm, is like a boomerang – one day it might come back to hit you in the face.’

    Wisdom. My brother, Jeff, always says that when it comes to ladies, the more you talk, the more you get yourself in trouble. Ha-ha

    27
  2. Guy is being used for sex only. Took me 15s to figure out. and tell him to get his own house. male power sometimes start with your ability to handle such bills as rent, school fees, fuel and even outings.

    187
  3. This is so sad, he is a stranger in his own home and I dont see his situation changing anytime soon. He might have to make a big decision.

    60
    1. It’s not even his own home… ameolewa not the other way round. Maybe he should start by changing that.

      34
  4. Firstly I can say I am now happy to have read a snippet of something about patanisho which I still think you ought to do a longer narrative on. As for our guy, men,, that’s deep, no answer but maybe he should concentrate more on the why’s of marrying the lady in the first place. A woman in her early 40s, getting pregnant may not be something at the top of her mind maybe. …..

    33
  5. Poor soul. I fill for him, he should probably think of getting a spare now that a heir is not forthcoming.

    12
  6. I feel like the lady is not over the ex husband. Main reason why she does not want to have children for the leather seats guy. Bkoz this would mean chaos.
    Love and light to him

    28
  7. Wah! (or should I say ‘Wahfula!!’)

    Nimekubali kuwa marriage advice bleeps RED when you walk through those SCPs (Security Check Points), but let me RISK sayin’ this – if ye marry a woman with no child, that’s best as a mate. A woman with one girl, cool. A boy, still okay.
    A woman with two gals, mnaeza survive. A woman with TWO BOYS, one day you will be both out-gunned & out-MAN-ouvered. If ye want to ‘go to the mattresses’ with us for this advice, per favore, sio mio ospite!!! (thaz Italiano) … 🙂

    p.s. ati she’s early fortes? Even without contraceptives, soon if not yet, she’ll be biologically UNABLE to make babies.
    Even if he gets the IVF cheddar like the dude in that 485, 817 storo.

    85
  8. Leather chairs just remind me of corrupt government officials’ offices! This poor dude is not a man in his house, that’s no way to live, but again, I’m not married so I have no advice for him.

    12
  9. Walk, out and away. I know it sounds like a cop out, but you have no control over this narrative. You’re on the outside, looking in. You’re a man who has lent his name to a woman who wanted the title Mrs. It’s not even about having children. The house was the first thing you shouldn’t have moved into. There’s more, a lot more that you probably will never know about. I’m sorry but you need to step out and look at it critically.

    68
      1. Biko I hope our leather seats champ gets to read all the comments below.

        He simply needs to out of that arrangement it’s not a relationship.

        1
  10. I suspect he said, “Mimi hamtanileteako bangi hapa. Mimi ni Wafula pwana, ndugu ya Nekesa.”
    Pwahahaha…

    Hard small…people have problems but other people have more problems.
    Something’s got to give for sure, it’s like baby daddy is ruling their house by proxy. Can’t imagine how emasculating that feels?

    21
  11. Woi.
    Aki nimemhurumia.
    That part where he said that the wife defended the baby daddy and said that he is touchy had me sipping on my water like waaau! That’s a RED FLAG.

    Surely, this lady is just being cruel to this man. No boundaries with the baby daddy at all. Ati she excuses herself from the BED to go talk to the baby daddy?! Dunia isimame nishuke. It can’t wait till morning?
    Sad.
    If she doesn’t want a baby/babies with this man, she should just tell him. Poor man.
    I feel like our man here needs to make a tough but necessary decision.

    89
    1. My thoughts exactly, hapo he’s not getting a baby, let him make a decision, he’s bring strung along, plus she’s been through the motherhood things so she’s good.

      2
  12. In my view all the red flags are up but its his choice whether to ignore them or take action though there is one red flag that has not shown up which is the day the wife falls sick and requires serious medical attention how that scenario will play out if the ex husband will dominate during that time then you will have your final answer.

    4
  13. The lady is in her 40s and is housing you. As Biko said, you’re practically living in the exhusband’s house as this was part of the divorce settlement. You are being used for sex I think. If I were you, I would leave and look for someone who is ready and willing to have a child and fully share her life with me. Your wife is not eager to have a child with you, that’s quite clear. She’s not getting any younger either and she will use age as a reason why she cannot get pregnant. As you said, even her children know that you’re not in charge. What are you waiting for? Please, get out while you still can.

    69
  14. So he stays because he loves her, or he loves the boys? I didn’t get which is which. Or he stays because it’s marriage kuvumilia ni lazima. Btw I have never been married do what do I know.

    6
  15. Who is having the time of his /her life here? I would say the wife is, and she is using you as a third wheel.

    I would say the wife is comparing you both. They have more memories together….and might be re-attracting each other…you know that crap about ‘you don’t their worth till you lose them’.

    In the Jungle, male lions kill young cubs to domineer over the females….but we are civilised humans, and an alternate exit route is to be sought.

    1. He may access the children, but don’t let him access your wife. He knows all the cryptic buttons to make her giggle. When he calls, he should talk to his boys on phone.

    2. Move to Nakuru, Kisumu, Mombasa, or Siberia. Just move out of Nairobi (if she is worth it)

    3. Pay your own rent. Do all house shopping too.

    4. Don’t compete, establish your hierarchy. Win over the boys….let them have fun around you. Ignore the supreme di*k and be cozy with the boys. That’s a 70% win, coz the mother will follow what makes her kids happy.

    4. If all fails, look for a prettier girl and start over. You have nothing to lose. You are the youngest in this threesome

    Best Wishes,
    Mehe mehe

    132
      1. @Kamotho, Let’s agree to use all mehe mehe to help our Leather brother.

        BTW, i just though that if he divorces her, he is also fried. From her previous relationship, the woman is getting all manner of support including rent. If he divorces her, he will also be allocated bills to pay, and the woman will have a happy comfortable live ever after, and even inherit from the rich grandfather on behalf of the children.

        What a wise woman. All her cards well played out for the next 100 years.

        It’s a less rush to solemnize your marriage until after 10 years of testing those we want to commit to.

        My 2 pence.

        As always,
        Mehe Mehe
        Mehe Mehe

        5
  16. I got disappointed at ” the house was part of the divorce settlement”…man should get a life! Get yourself a woman who will acknowledge and respect you. Love is overrated. After how many years are you going to realize you have a manipulative wife? Get your own place man!! The ex husband probably laughs over drinks with his mates about how another man is staying at his former house.
    These two boys will be grown men someday and it will be worse then, when they fail to acknowledge him, when they fail to introduce their wives to him and instead take them to their biological father.
    Personally I don’t see this situation getting any better, clearly this mans wife doesn’t respect him.
    This man’s being emotionally manipulated!
    I’m sorry but he needs to find himself another woman and start over again, it’s not too late.
    He can marry a second wife or divorce this one. I’m a woman, but some of the things women do can never be supported.

    Ps I don’t know if it’s my emotions talking .. but this is a big NO for me.

    55
  17. Any man who’s had more than two relationships know that some women have no problem using well-meaning men for their own twisted ends. How do you waste a man’s prime years of a man who goes above board for you without your conscience nagging you? This scenario and the one where a woman will make you unknowingly raise another man’s children are one and the same. So much pain on his behalf

    19
  18. I feel sorry for the guy. The lady does not love him. She is still hang up on the ex husband. He had a decision to make here.

    9
  19. Hmmm… This sounds like a man who is in this relationship by himself while the lady is still Inlove with her Ex, so then just using the poor dude as some sort of leverage or get back at my Ex thing. My advise?? Dude needs to keep it moving unless this relationship comes with some other perks like being provided for by the lady that he’s not mentioning considering he’s living in the other man’s house technically. Otherwise these low blows don’t make any sense whatsoever. Advise Coming from a woman who knows this situation all to well. And ooh..just as an FYI to brother up here, the lady might never or will never get pregnant for him in any near future till she hits menopause. It’s a ll a game and unfortunately he’s the (I don’t know what lol) in this game of two lovers. This is not a love triangle. He is inlove by himself I keep saying this.

    22
  20. IMO, the wife is still in love with the ex only that the ex couldn’t commit as she wanted him to. And no, this woman is not planning to get another child. She sees the ex as the leader of that home,she’d rather lose this husband than the ex.

    16
  21. My unsolicited advice to this guy… follow Amerix on twitter and join his telegram channel. Read all his tweets and practise them. Save yourself.

    8
  22. First mistake, 1. Marrying a woman with kids, 2. Living in her house. 3 Marrying a woman who is older than you. Run run run my brother just run and I know you will get a woman a house and a future.

    3
  23. Very complicated and tricky. Any who.. looking at my crystal ball.. that lady is going to be twice divorced. .sooner more than later.

    7
  24. OMG! I get it now. You’re a kept man.
    She’s paying your bills. That’s why you don’t want her to know that you did the interview. You don’t want to lose whatever perks you have. Else, you would have seen the red flags by now and made a decision to quit this marriage already. I do hope you get the guts to put your foot down and be the man if you wish for this marriage to succeed. Earn the respect man. Stop being a doormat. Stop playing victim and take your rightful position.

    20
    1. Sounds like he needs to have a meeting with himself and create an exit plan. She doesnt respect him and the kids know that, thats why they dont respect him. Since he has no kids with this lady, he can leave and start over,… and pay rent/ buy a house this time.

      1
  25. The eureka bit got me laughing out so loud!but yea,that’s where part of the problem is.There’s power in being able to provide the basics.. a house especially,or rent for that matter.Plus,a woman in love would naturally want to carry your baby.It goes without saying.Again,Yes,she’s on contraceptives.No,she doesn’t want any more kids&he’d better know how to handle the truth.
    Sad but not totally grim.

    4
  26. ..He should go hug a cactus…this had me laughing..but for real though ouch. First, he should get a house of his own. Even if that means renting. He can clearly see the issues in his marriage but he lacks the will power to confront them. This maybe because he is afraid the outcome may not be what he wants. My advice..this life is not a rehearsal…you need to live it on your terms.

    4
  27. Maisha ni ngumu and people out here are selfish.. Its important to have some discussions before marriage, someone will come with kids from a previous relationship with an intention of not getting other kids and not tell you.. You blindly do life with them by the time you realize its too late.. Respect is key in marriage and i dont know why but i feel that age is a great determinant in the quality of a given marriage.

    4
  28. Not in a bad way buuut, problem started when you moved in to that man’s house, even though it’s not his technically. I hope things change for you though

    4
  29. He sounds like a great gentleman.And a great dad as at now and in future.
    At least he is aware of what he doesn’t want in his life .May he find the courage to begin at his beginnings again.
    Man, take care of your own cage bills.This way,you will be in a position to discuss about easement rights.
    Don’t belong too much to others such that you don’t belong to yourself.

    That is enjoying the options that you’re offering her.

    You will just be fine.

    5
  30. I don’t date single mums because this is the situation I am trying to avoid. All of this would have been avoidable if he just dated a lady with no kids. Every guy knows himself, if you are not the type to date single mums kindly save yourself the headache.

    2
  31. Run run run. Leave this relationship. Start the divorce process, and make someone else pregnant soonest ASAP. Doesn’t matter if it is a wet 23 year old who thinks Justin Bieber is a god. Stop having sex with her too.

    15
  32. Boss … Unachezwa! Halafu, mawnaume ni kujilipia bills na nyumba. Wait for the day the kids are old enough to know that you are living in the house their father paid for. Utafukuzwa.

    8
  33. Heading into his 40s, wants his own child, married to a 40 year old woman with 2 kids and she is likely taking contraceptives: talk about getting a raw deal. And living in the woman’s house that she got as part of a divorce settlement. My goodness this guy is SCREWED!!!! How can he not see that?!! He should get a divorce and find himself a 20-30 something year old with “full lips, natural hair and full hips”. They can’t be that hard to find!!

    11
  34. Sounds like a real dilemma. He wants this lady but she wont give him babies. hapa ni gioing to the matresses with a bold decision. azae ama uoe mwingine. BLOOD MATTERS.

    1
  35. Not easy Mr. Leather. Suggest adopting a child now that she cannot bear one. See the lights change. ION: If you divorce, you might just share that house too.

    3
  36. At best, divorced woman with two children is looking for companionship not a father to her children. They already got one. Poor guy, he is outside looking on as other people’s lives go on. His, his is just stand still, but what do I know, am not divorced and am not a man

    5
  37. This guys is not only blind of vision but conception as well.
    He moved into the Ex-hubby’s house; a house that the wife inherited as a divorce settlement! The lady is slightly older than him and he is still there? Holding on to what?
    The writing for him is very clear. Boy, rise up and stop remaining in the captivity of marital illusion.

    Start a fresh, it will take you back a year or so, but you will be in charge of your life again.
    You are draining your energies there but I fail to see that which you are clinging to.
    Not the boys, not the house and surely, not the woman.
    But, what do I know? Let me sip my Muratina as I do a libation to the ancestors to save your from thyself.

    4
    1. He is holding on to the hips my friend..
      just thinking out loud thou. what about food, please tell me he provides hata kama ni yake pekee. it would be ashame if he is feed by that man as well..coz waaah this guy is just toast how can you live in another man’s house and ask him not to come in. i bow to the baby daddy.. he is just a gentleman..am married with two boys and if i was given such a scenario i will choose my baby daddy coz he is the one providing for my kids. Saying sijui the house was a settlement…that is just b..s and also choosing the smooth flow man. Just man up and pay rent you can pay her rent if you still want to stay in the same house but pay rent.you don’t have to pay school fees but rent is mandatory. as a matter of fact you are a bad example to those boys.

  38. Ooooh well, he moved into the man’s house.

    He looks like he knows the next step he should take but he wants a push. On this man, follow your mind, your heart is playing games. All the best

    4
  39. As usual, this was a good read, However, I didn’t like the ending. What happens now? He goes back to house owned by his wife’s ex husband ama? Ai

  40. I feel his pain.I’d take the man,but again,he lives in another man’s house and bills might bring problems even if he found himself a woman with no children.It is hard small.

    1
  41. A woman in her 40’s with 2 kids, a providing ex husband (who she still likes) and a house in her names ?? … Leather seat guy the only thing you are being squeezed for is Vitamin D… Am sorry

    6
  42. I really feel for him, shifting the power to his end is going to be a huge process. It feels like there is a lot of mutual secrecy as well. May wisdom prevail.

  43. Tell that mandem, akanyange kubwa kubwa. The woman is only using him for emotional support, probably to win a war against her ex hubby.

    5
  44. The real problem starts from housing. The dude moved to the house that the ex and owns literally. Basically, the ex has authority over the four of them since he is the head of the house. I also believe, this guy is a simp kiasi, he should step out of that cocoon he is in and get the fuck out of that relationship asap beforethat narco ex decides to move inn and he will be asked to sleep in the kitchen with hens. But if he’s inn for the benefits, I mean couchie and divorce money, he should also know when to say enough is enough and move to the next target.

    2
  45. She’s using you bro. It’s not that she doesn’t want more kids, it’s that she doesn’t want kids with you. It’s time to move out, get another girl and move on with your life. You are just a 3rd wheel.

    2
  46. When it comes to blended families, if you don’t discuss about kids- How involved the other partner should be, settle on a form of punishment, reward system, and the other parent (Coz he/she is an important factor in these matters)- for me it’s just a matter of time. People go into this form of arrangements assuming that everything will fall into place, but it doesn’t. you have to be on the same page on all matters, including the KIDS!! Otherwise, your partner will always feel like they don’t belong, however much they try.

    4
  47. Red flags……….
    1. The lady is older than the man. Her early 40s, while him late 30s
    2. The house isnt his. (part of marital settlement)
    3. The lady is mama boys whose father is providing.
    4. No restrictions in the interactions with her ex.
    5. The ex is rich (family wealth).

    This is the marital sabbatical Maina Kageni talked of in another form.
    Man, move on. It’s done. She’s waiting for the hubby to beg her back.

    7
  48. Nyumba si yako
    vijana si wako
    Bibi still hang up on the EX

    The Leather Guy should Divorce the woman and get a fresh start.

    3
  49. That lady is using you. May be use her too . Save all your money, don’t buy anything in that house…I mean not even toilet paper (Offer good sex only!) Let the kids father take care of all of you (I don’t even understand why you are driving an expensive car yet you have no house). Then start planning. Get a gal out there, make sure your swimmers reach their destination (dive), get a baby. Buy your own house then move out.. with your leather seats car ofcoz. Make sure that when doing all these encourage the lady to get money from the ex then you both buy property but registered to your names. I hope you have no prenap) then divorce and ask that you split the investments. You will be happy trust me! All the best..

    11
    1. I like your view Ash…..yes she is using him and sadly he is a good man listening to him…surely life is sometime very unfair….Many women including myself we wish we had a good man like this one..but alas the good ones have selfish women..very sad…..Take Ash advice get your corner inorder

      1
  50. This is a no brainer. His wife is not interested in having another baby at her age. She married him for the security of having a husband/companion around as she raised her boys. I feel for him. Deep down he knows this but he doesn’t want to be the one to rock the boat. He just needed validation by talking to someone. Wishing him all the best.

    1
  51. Weeeeehhhhh Kuna Mashida then Machinda hii hapa ni machinda. Bright side of life is that he has started talking the heart will soon catch up with the mind.

    1
  52. I think moving into “this man’s house” isn’t an issue, first of all the house isn’t the man’s anymore (divorce settlement). This woman is the problem as she entertains the guy. … Run my guy, go and think about having kids with someone else but not this woman.

    1
  53. I sometimes view myself as very cosmopolitan, educated (I am almost getting my PhD in one of those professions every kid wants to get into) and all that. I have traveled the world and lived with people from different races etc. I am a liberal, non-believer and more of a secular humanist. I am also married to someone from a different tribe and my parents are from different tribes. My siblings too are married from different parts of the world. So I am what one can call a true ’Kenyan’.

    Thus, everything goes for me including defending LGBT rights and people. I also support people’s right to believe in anything as long as it doesn’t interfere with someone else’s life and comfort. So, if you believe in the Return of the Jedi, I will be there for you in case someone wants to exorcise you for believing in ‘devil worship’ or Illuminati.

    Despite all these tags, I have never been liberal with getting married to a single mother. That’s a landmine waiting to render you a one-legged veteran in a war you didn’t sign up for. I am a conscientious objector when it comes to getting married to a single mother. I literally can become a JW in order to escape conscription into such an unnecessary and unjust war. It’s literally a battle you will have to fight for the rest of your life as long as the father is alive and kicking. The father will be like the Kim family in North Korea. You will declare your demilitarised zone but the father like Kim Jong-un or Kim Il-Sung will be launching intercontinental ballistic missiles to remind you that despite the divorce, hostilities are not ceasing as long as my kids are with that woman you call your sweetheart. The woman, just like a Park Geun-yee or anyone controlling those chaebols in Seoul will be living with trepidation knowing that the father wields more power over her than you do. You may be well off but that will not measure up with a man who can use his kids to basically render you powerless and less of a man.

    When young men ask me if they should go ahead and marry a single mother, I tell them: Son, sometimes you don’t have to fight to be a man.

    Pole mzeiya for your predicament.

    16
    1. John, much as I agree with most of what you’ve said, hapo kwa single mothers hapana. Please do not give that advice to others as you may be the barrier to their happiness. I am a single mum who was a victim of serious domestic violence, gaslighting and serial philandering. I met and married the love of my life and he constantly reminds me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. very happy together and have a child together – others; his and mine also loved and included. People also constantly forget about widows who may wish to remarry at any age…….

  54. Can this guy first move out of that house..Reasoning like that woman…you Marry me tick, But live in my ex husband house and don’t pay school fees….where.. why would i get kids with you….I dont have evidence that you can take care of the heavy lifting…am just don’t have motivation to carry your baby….just saying

    3
  55. The fact the he is living in another man’s house makes it easier to be ruled and overshadowed so maybe that shld be the first move..move out and if she loves him she will follow…
    I can bet his wife and the ex are still doing more than he would want to imajine..
    If the wife wanted a baby with him then she wld probably have one by now..so not unless he has more time to waste then he should look for someone who is ready to give him a family and a sense of belonging..
    They said Life begins at 40..

    1
  56. Let me offer my unsolicited advice
    That guy should move out of that house, he married the lady and took up responsibility of the package as it came. That’s his family now . Technically he should do what every head of the family should do,(provide) whatever else comes from the ex should be a bonus.
    He should ask the wife to rent the house (Airbnb is doing muzuri… BTW)and he should let her know whatever she want do do with the money is her business…even if she wants to buy all the peacocks in the world.
    I mean, why would the wife want to add another kid and he hasn’t shown he can be really responsible…he need’s to “man up”, smell, look, sound masculine, if you know what I mean….and theeen…he might just seduce her back, and lady might smile again…. we never know …

    6
  57. Until you walk out of that house, and take care of another house, she will still defend that ex, which is telling already. Me thinks she is being cordial with him because of boys and her possible future connections (old money maybe) and keeping you just in case. She is having her cake and eating it. To be honest, I don’t see this working out for you, even if you got a baby right now. Walk out into another house, a house with walls and boundaries, and let her decide if you are worth fighting for then get that baby InshaAllah. All the best man.

    5
  58. Hahaha, so you find contraceptives, she denies and you accept it just like that. Two, what are doing in that house, get out because you’re just a shamba boy, only you don’t get to do the chores. Three, you’re secondary, because you allowed it. This will never change, get out or die there like a pig. Four, Like AMERIX says, marry a Fossil at your own Peril. You have a choice, CHANGE or PERISH. Five, she’s divorced with two sons, why would you imagine, she would want another child? If she ever needs to get a baby, it won’t be by you. All her children will have the same father, mark that line. What if you one day wakeup, and find out she’s just tagging you along as they work things out with the Ex? Stop SIMPING, get your masculinity back and walk out, just like the EX HUSBAND did. Follow AMERIX on twitter, you will see the light. All the best!

    4
  59. This Man is a SIMP. The first mistake he did is getting Married to a Woman who’s older than him. Second is the Woman has two boys, leave alone one. Third is living in her house, he will always be Emasculated by this woman. He will need to reclaim his Masculinity FRAME by Leaving this relationship and Spinning Plates (If yo know, you know) out there before starting a relationship with a Young woman (Mid Twenties) with No kids of her own whom he can Precede and Protect as his own. Otherwise, he will ran mad inside that house.

    As Biko said, everybody has a piece of marriage advice to give. This is it.

    5
  60. He licked his lips and shifted in his chair. “ I don’t know.”
    A DECISION HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE IN THE MIND SUBCONSCIOUSLY

    2
  61. Hoping am nor being judgemental, why wouldn’t he just go look for a woman with no kids and start his own family?

    I think it may not end well for him

    2
  62. 1. I do not for the life of me understand why most people are saying ‘never get married to a single mother’…..when all i see is not about her being divorced or a single mum but who she is as a woman…..no scratch that a a person. My friends will only disrespect my man if i let them too….but if i set a boundary they will learn to respect him, so this lady if she really loves the guy she should be the one setting boundaries with the ex and also teaching the kids to accept the guy as a man in their lives.
    that being said i think she doesnt care so much about this guy and they are clearly not on the same page…..
    lastly, divorce is okey ,marrying a divorced person is okey and age is nothing but a number. date the person not what society has put them out to be…we all need love. FYI i am not married neither am i a single mother.

    22
  63. Awesome…I like how “Patanisho” is described. One would definitely want to follow.

    I will be on the lookout as ye go to the mattresses

  64. I’m usually a silent weekly reader but this one I am fully inclined to comment. Sometimes,in life you need an outsider looking into your existence..if the guy is smart enough and reads all the comments here, he will wake up with fresh eyes.
    And the day he will move out of another man’s house, life will be kind to him. The blocked path will overflow with all his dreams. Then the days he hears his own children in his own backyard,he will be glad he read these painful comments. Because feedback isn’t always nice,but it is necessary.

    12
  65. Poor guy,I feel for him. Too many odds against him. He should just count his losses and move on. She doesn’t love him.

  66. Sounds like a threesome and he’s getting the shortest end of the stick. Akanyange kubwakubwa and on his way out he may read a copy of the lonely hearts column. No one should take another for granted with all the searching going on out here. A baby at 40 sounds farfetched, especially for a lady who already has kids.

    4
  67. The kids are not his, the house he is living in is not his and even the woman isn’t his much as he is trying to make her his. I think its tragic for him. He seems so passionate about family and she is content with the one she had… He should get out of dodge ASAP.

    6
  68. A man should always have his own digs. You married his wife, moved into his house and you are living with his kids. That’s how the ex husband sees it. And that’s why he doesn’t see the need to respect you as a man. Your wife, she needed companionship after the split and you fit the bill. She doesn’t seem to need anything else from you her life is already set with kids and a home.

    4
  69. I don’t mean to be judgy. I’m not married. I don’t know anything. But, it does seem that the lady doesn’t respect him and really, who can blame her? The man is not showing up like the man. You can’t be living under the roof her ex bought her and still wanting to establish boundaries. He himself should’ve established that boundary eons ago. He could’ve said no to living in that house (it probably is a daily reminder to her of the provider she once had) and advised that they sell or rent it out. But maybe it also was a court decision so that’s why they had to live there I guess. But the fact that he was comfortable moving into the ex’s house. Into his wife’s house, I suppose we should ask – why? If he had stepped up and said, I’ll rent/buy a place for you, it’s not palatial but it’s a start…would’ve impressed her, I’d like to think. It just looks bad to move into her house. You married her. To provide for her. Unless of course there was an unspoken agreement he is not disclosing ie he was ok with the arrangement of being somewhat of a kept man. No offence.

    Then he is angry with the ex instead of being angry with the wife. The wife obviously doesn’t want to lose provision benefits from the man. He is paying fees for the boys so that’s one less stress off her head. He comes from money and could use lawyers to take the house, she doesn’t want that. Lord knows what else the ex is providing. And the man is acting clueless as to why she wants to keep him around, come on, if you’re not stepping up to your role, then what is she to do?

    It also appears the man loves the wife possibly more than he loves himself. Love tends to do that to us. Or maybe he loves his pride more. Deep down he knows what’s going on, he isn’t happy with it. He knows what he wants (a family), he isn’t getting it. He knows his power to change the situation (or lack thereof), like most people in love, he doesn’t wish to exercise it (it’s never easy honestly).

    I think all in all, couples and individual therapy is the most advisable way forward. Maybe he feels emasculated but has he considered what she feels? She probably feels he didn’t rise to the occasion like she thought he would and now she’s stuck balancing egos for the sake of her kids and in the process she’s lost all respect for him. At least in counselling, they’d all be able to lay their issues bare and see if there’s anything left to salvage. At the end of the day, he should ask himself what he would regret most at 80, laying on his death bed. Not having her by his side or not having his own child. We might think it’s the child but the answer might surprise even him. Based on that answer, he should act accordingly to preserve his most cherished outcome and kill off any other fantasies.

    5
  70. Rule number one for men: Never move to a woman’s house even if it’s rented. If you didn’t have a place of your own before marriage, look for one together. Otherwise, you will remain a visitor.

    8
  71. I feel his pain. Co-parenting when no boundaries are in place can cause pain to the ‘outsider’ party. I feel like his wife wants to have her cake and eat it. Does she love him enough? I dont know

    1
  72. As a single mom hoping for a blended family one day, I felt sorry for him with every paragraph I read. Until I got to the part where the house they are living in is part of the divorce settlement. There is no wisdom in that, he is emasculated. I’m just curious how both him and the wife didn’t think its a bad idea.

    2
  73. Bro….ushaolewa! Mama is eating her cake and having it. Baba is eating his cake and your cake! Ego maketh man, this is what you lack

  74. The lady has conveniently refused to set boundaries between the men in her life and continues to do so. It almost feels as if she doesn’t love him anymore or she’s falling for the familiarity in kids biological father. The kids pick non verbal communication from the moms and there don’t acknowledge him

    2
  75. This lady is not giving this marriage , while the guy is. He should leave, now, when there are no babies, and find someone else who will appreciate him.
    This lady should keep her god of an ex!!!

    2
  76. You’re not Fed Up until you’re Fed Up.. The day you’ll need to make a decision about everything that’s happening around you you’ll do it UN solicited.

    2
  77. “Who pays the rent in your house, you or her?” I asked our guy.

    He said the house was part of the divorce settlement.

    ………………

    I read this and my heart sunk. It explains everything else. He should just move out and count his losses. Otherwise, he will learn why the guy moved out…he might also lose half of everything (leather seats) he owns and live the rest of his life a bitter man. He already proved that he is a doormat and the lady won’t have a hard time doing him a gudu wan.

    4
  78. 1. To fellow gents out there,no woman in her 40s-with babies from a previous relationship-would want to have more babies with a new dude younger than her.
    2. A man must own his cave.
    3. A man headed to his 40s has a wide dating pool( girls between the ages of 25-35)
    4. Men can always re-build…let him move out and start afresh.

    4
  79. Biko, this one is simple, move out of the man’s house, let the lady rent it out. Tell him to get his own house 1st. Imagine having sex with someone’s wife in the same house and probably bed the guy used to sleep on? You won’t get no respect like that.

    2
  80. Sad… he needs to get out of that situationship. I am sure he will find a nice lady who respects him and their marriage. A husband is law, baby daddy is just a baby daddy sheria kwake akichukua watoto over the weekends. Please talk to wife about starting a family no more hide n seek.

    2
  81. , “Mimi hamtanileteako bangi hapa. Mimi ni Wafula pwana, ndugu ya Nekesa.” this one cracked me up

    This woman has not moved on. Nice read

    1
  82. This situation isn’t about to change. She doesn’t respect him. She’s not planning on having his kid. And unfortunately the toxic relationship between her ex and the sons is bound to become worse as the boys grow because they will learn that he is not respected. I don’t see a happy ending in sight, even if she gets his kid.He’s feeling the disrespect and a child will not fix that. If he chooses to fight for her, rent that house,move elsewhere. Establish boundaries. Firmly .all the best

    4
  83. “but he comes up short, not literally. ”
    My gosh! haha
    for starters, I feel bad for this king of leatherdom because, baah, sounds like there is an ongoing coup.
    And then you Biko, how do you sound so good all the time?

    2
    1. Poor guy. Jump out and quickly. You think you will be happy if she becomes PG for you? That will be the beginning of your stress. Your child will be the beggar…do you want to see that? what happens when the rich dad is giving his sons outings to Dubai? Cut your clothe according to your size. I am a lady and trust the first thing we tell you…”she wasn’t looking for anything serious and in any case she had two young sons she was focusing on”

      2
  84. Biko!!!

    My son reminded me that I hadn’t mentioned you today! Now…..pole to the man in this sticky situation. From where is stand or lie… A few things he needs to reflect on:
    1. The house isn’t his and he can’t claim it. Can he afford another place?
    2. The lady isn’t about to give him a baby any time soon.
    3. Can he afford to pay the boys fees?
    4. The lady is having her cake and eating it too on her terms. She’s not being honest with him. As the Z Generation says “anabebwa ufala”
    5. He needs to make tough decisions here.
    6. He needs to sire children and doesnt look like it will happen with her. When a woman loves you, she gets your baby even if she has 5 children from another man.
    7. Sending a prayer for him for peace of mind and a way forward.

    3
  85. Well…let’s just say the guy “ameolewa”. To me the story ended when he mentioned the house? How do you move into a woman’s house? Provided by another man? Men need to get serious sometimes, hata kidogo tu. Get out of that house and marry some lass in her 20s/30s and have your babies in peace. Joker.

    3
  86. In this time and age, a guy takes himself to the slaughterhouse and expects to come out alive? Don’t people listen to Rich Cooper?
    1. First, he engages in self-cuckoldry. This itself is just a petri dish for gathering difficulties. And as sure as day follows night, problems follow.
    2. He lives in a house whose rent is paid by his wife’s ex. How stupid can anybody be? He is a low-value blue pill man and he will never be respected in his own family. There is nothing free for a man in this world.
    3. Responsibility without authority. The kids know their dad. It doesn’t matter how many times you go to school events: he will always be their dad. Stop wasting your time and trying to sit on someone’s throne.
    4. Like most single mothers, she turns out to be an alpha widow and is taking contraceptives as he is trying to impregnate her. You can’t make this shit up.
    5. This guy desperately needs TRP. Its am emergency!

    9
  87. I hope he finds peace and happiness!! The contraceptives lies!! The disrespect !! The undefined boundaries !! The powerlessnes!! Wow!!

    3
  88. Haha alpha widow! Lady doesn’t seem this guy as worth having a child with, and her ex would always be ranked above him. Men always start the game at 0-0, not raising another man’s seed who would grow up and not even acknowledge you. Walk away from that B.S, get yourself a fresh, younger lady and be a man!

    3
  89. What is this leather guy complaining about? I mean, if you are living in my house, with my wife and children, then you are technically my maid or house boy. If you are a man worthy of his trousers your woman would think twice before even saying hi to her ex, leave alone a hug.
    Tell him to redeem his balls and leave the woman alone, this is not the type that can go to the mattresses.

    2
  90. 1.i don’t think the wife is in love with the ex. those who co parent know how delicate the situation is. you have to be as amicable as possible for the kids or you will have endless court battles. he is just sensitive about it because he does not have kids with her. But yes she needs to realize she is re married and there is friendly and too friendly.
    2. the lady is 40 with 2 kids already. i get it. i wouldn’t want to have kids after 40yrs as well.it would also a high risk pregnancy that could lead to death. i get her fears. if this is a deal breaker for you and you must absolutely have your own biological kids then just leave. imagine forcing her to bare you kids then she dies during child birth.
    3. you need to get your own place.rent that house use that money to open a savings account for her kids. establish dominance. women love to be led despite our modern feminist ways. we love a man that can put his foot down. either use this time to save and build a house or move.

  91. So many opinions. Like you said, everyone has an option on marriage. I guess almost everyone has given alms.

    1
  92. That is such a real situation. But to the guys I say, never live in a lady’s house. It may never be said but will always be an underlying issuenin the relationship.

  93. Why did he move into her house? that’s how his balls got shaved off. Somebody pass him the old cardinal rule “Never ever move into a Ladies house” So says the old (read dead)wise men and nobody argues with ancestors!

  94. Great writing Biko! Your disapproval of this guy comes clear with phrases like “He then resurfaced weeks later saying he was ready to sing”. ‘Singing’ meaning confessing (to some faux pas). You also wonder whether he’s ever been handcuffed the first time you see him.
    I agree with what you left unsaid. Nigga should man up, get his own wife, his own house, his own kids before that balding hairline gets to the horizon.

    2
  95. I always say, ‘mtu hucharazwa na nyahunyo aliyojichagulia’.
    Nobody put a gun to his head for him to remain in this situation.
    She def doesn’t respect him, neither does she care about him. She cares about the ex more, that’s why she consults him in all.

    And the house thing: Well, he walked himself into jail and locked himself up…..funny thing is, he still is playing with the jail keys and isn’t breaking out.

    This fellow needs to man up…

    2
  96. What an unfortunate man. I’d rather live in a cave than a woman’s house. If it ain’t your roof, she ain’t your woman, and if she can’t give you kids for reasons not related to health or medical, ni upuzi tu a dating na romance munafanya, hakuna “building a life together”. This guy is just a dildo to a 40+ woman no longer interested in starting a new family. He should move on, time doesn’t seem to be on his side. I’d not be surprised the ex hubby still getting slices in ‘his house’ lol

  97. That marriage is already dead and the sooner the guy gets out of that house the better for him. I think him not having a child with the lady will make his exit very smooth. It is hard to start all over again but once you’re out there make a point of following amerix on twitter and you will find your way in the long run.

  98. This guy has taken a lot of risks in his life;
    1. Marrying an older lady.
    2. Marrying a lady with two BOYS!
    3. Moving into another Man’s house.

    Therefore getting divorced should not even scare him as that is the only thing that will put an end to his woes.

    1
  99. The fact that the house belonged to the ex solely means the bed they are sleeping on was the same bed the wife was sleeping on with her ex. This guy needs to start afresh they either move to another house or he gets himself a wife who will love and respect him

    1
  100. The lady is still technically married to the ex husband. She hasn’t left him mentally. Incase she ever turns up pregnant it will 100% belong to the ex. She is just buying time but eventually she will go back. And no way she is adding babies with this current hubby.

    2
  101. Leather guy should get a divorse, marry a young woman who is ready to start a family with him and live happily ever after. Besides she said from the beginning of the relationship that she had boys she wanted to focus on

    1
  102. Its only stupidity that makes a man ignore the lots of beautiful young single childless ladies out here and settle on a divorced 40 yrs old woman with kids then expect to build a family with her. You call it love…i define it a construct in your mind to justify your wrong decisions. If you have no buggage…get smn who has no baggage and build a family.

    5
  103. His story reinforces the narrative that men should try as much as they can and avoid ladies who already have kids. I feel like Biko left us hanging but then i guess he just listens to stories, its not in his position to solve them or try to. Going to the mattresses is in no way related to sleep.

    1. I don’t think its about the children, its the lack of respect, emotional maturity and boundaries among the adults. That’s where the problem is at,

  104.  “For the most part I feel like an outsider in the marriage. I feel outnumbered, they are four against me, one,” he said

    Auch! I felt that. Singly Married ,boundaries not defined. Abuse, Time wasted, Lost love, trapped, hands tied….May there be a super natural turn around.

    1
  105. To understandhis anguish, he needs to understand why he is in her life in the first place.

    She needed someone steady, reliable, dependable. Someone who can be there full-time because her ex is best suited for ‘occassional dad duties’. Her ex is probably an amazing Instagram dad who posts his brief interactions with his son’s everywhere.

    He is there as insurance, because the kids dad cannot be relied upon 100% – and she knows this. If he gets flaky – she has a substitute dad for her son’s so that they don’t grow up without a father.

    Love has nothing to do with it. She’s just being strategic and he needs to stop thinking with his heart too.

  106. This is why I we always say kuoa single mother ni kama kununua shamba iko na kesi .Men ,go out there and marry childless women if you dont want to be dealing with such nonsense .Wako wengi sana

  107. She does not value him. Dude needs to recognize his own worth and deal accordingly. She is not facilitating his relationship with the boys and that’s just sad. There is no shame in walking out if it comes to that otherwise he’ll look back ten years from now and cry over wasted time. I send him wisdom.

  108. My advise; which should be left at the door…’break the damn entanglement, and get out of her exes house., ‘ just to see how much the lady cares.

  109. If I were Him I would just quit like yesterday and go find a lady whom we are on the same page , as the swahili say samaki ni wengi baharini , why undergo mental torture when you can find love and happiness. Anyway I will start importing leather soon .

  110. I empathize with the guy.I think he feel as if he is running out of time due to his age.Its never worth it sacrificing your peace , happiness to someone who is not wholly in the same journey as you are.He is giving the lady and her ex his power.I believe the lady lacks boundaries.Its never too late to walk out and begin again.Its from those mistakes that we take our lessons and learn

  111. Dude, you are the greatest blue pill simp ever lived. How can you marry a Fossil? A lady older than you in her 40s and expect kids? A mother of two boys who is still seeing the ex?
    Man up and protect your masculinity and get your frame back. You are still young in your 30s.
    Here’s a solution to your problem:-
    1) Don’t go back to that house tonight.
    2) Block the Fossil.
    3) Get a 25-29 year old lady with no baggage.
    4) Make lot’s of kids.
    5) Join Amerix classes and practice the 4Ps and have the 5Ms.
    NB: Men age like wine and Women age like milk. A woman fertility drastically goes down after 35yrs and would hardly conceive past 43yrs.
    A man can still make babies even at 70yrs.
    You are now in your 30s and just starting your peak. Keep off fossils especially ones with baggage. There’s plenty of young fertile ladies out there who can give you the kids you want.

    1
  112. The best gift to give Mr Leather is a book by Rollo Tomassi, “The Rationale Male”.
    He should read it and make it his Bible then follow Amerix on Twitter.
    Lastly, he should get himself a 25-30 year old lady with no baggage and start a family.

    2
  113. my thoughts,
    1. That woman still hangs on some hope that she might someday get back with her ex, probably still loves him.
    2.That she has completely refused to put up boundaries for you to be respected should tell you something
    3.I don’t think she wants to have children with you, she is buying time until she can’t have them anymore
    4.Roof up your family otherwise her ex will still call the shots in your marriage

    I hope you figure stuff out. All the best man.

  114. Some unsolicited marriage advice for this guy. It’ll be blunt so excuse me.

    You are your wife’s fuckboy. That’s the only thing you do in her life. You are only there for coitus, her coitus.

    Park and leave. I mean, wait one day when she is not around. Park and leave.

    Thats not your house. It’s her house. Heck its her ex house.

    GET OUT!

    2
  115. Boss, this leather guy is just a third wheel to someone’s marriage. The wife is still in love with the ex and she’s not getting any younger. Move on, marry another and start another life where you PROVIDE and PENENTRATE without thinking twice about any other person in the relationship. MAN UP!!!!

  116. If you ask me the guy should sit down and ask her why she doesn’t want a baby…if she really doesn’t one you can always go for adoption or leaving her to her ex is always an option …you deserve better

  117. This arrangement works for her. It’s a three-way marriage and she has allowed it to be that way. Very disrespectful.

    5
  118. Interesting read. I want another baby real bad 🙁 but I am single mother – makes it real hard to get guys who want kid/a with a single mother.

    2
  119. Marrying a woman with two kids. Who does that? Women over the age of 35 struggle to get pregnant, with all these pills they take and you expect a 40 year old to bear children with you. My friend, Get Out!

    3
  120. The man should stop being naive and leave that wife immediately – he doesn’t even need to ask. There are many good ladies out there (he can contact me if he wants help) who don’t have ex-husbands to cling on. That wife wants to eat her cake and have it. She is selfish to the core. Her Narcissism stinks to the heavens. This is a good man. If he longs for a baby and loves one in ‘advance’ I tell him from my experience once he has one he will regret why he was wasting his time all along. NOTHING in this world compares with experience of your child (leave Prof Hamo for now).

    1
  121. Such a sad story, I really feel bad for the guy. I suspect lady doesn’t want any more kids and is getting the best if both worlds…he needs to evaluate what’s more important to him, getting a kid of his own or staying married to her

    1
  122. As a man having your own kid I mean your own blood really matters. Unless in a case where my woman isn’t able to conceive, I wouldn’t stand this humiliation.

    1
  123. He is on the outside looking in,some of the time he gets a peep through the door but she will never let him in totally. Its time to leave,its hard but I think that’s the best decision in this situation.

    1
  124. One of the principle rules, let the woman come to you and not the other way round. His goose is cooked, time to ship out mate. All the best in your new life. I guess you’re reading the comments.

    1
  125. She only wants him for the sex and the company. Security of having a husband maybe but nothing more. She definately doesn’t want kids with him and doesn’t respect him enough to tell him. Also, why on earth is he living in another mans house or rather her house. He doesn’t sound like he is okay emotionally

  126. Never take on baggage without consulting, you’ll avoid all this nonsense or atleast be fully aware of what awaits you. Dude is entangled with a narcissist, worse awaits him. She is selfish, insincere, deceptive, disrespectful & a fossil, why the hell would you want to be part of that freak party.