Guns and Beards

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Literary pundits say you have to “structure” your writing. That the intro comes first, setting the pace, then the rest of the narrative follow. That you have to first “internalise” what you want to say before you can muster the literary equity to say it. And that even when you start saying it, this thing you want to say, you have to halt when you feel what you set out to say isn’t literary honest enough to you. This makes writing sound like a science, and it shouldn’t. It’s art. I think it’s Tony Mochama who once wrote that he hates when bloggers go on their blogs and painfully write about writing. That they should just blahdy write already. I remember reading that while slowly sliding lower into my seat and pulling down my cap lower over my face. He had a point, naturally. But this is not about points. This is about something I read over the weekend that refutes what’s in the first para up there. So on Saturday I discovered a brilliant Vanity Fair writer called Michael Lewis who had written a profound piece about Obama, offering such colourful insights into the political life of the potus. It was a very long but engaging read and after I googled him up and found an archive of some of his articles, which I read like I was reading my urine culture test results; keenly. In one of the interviews he said that most times he doesn’t even have a structure in his head before he starts writing. All he needs is an idea and the excitement to write it and he’s off to the races. I found that useful because some days you have an idea, an idea that excites you, but it can’t carry 200 words, let alone 500 words. But you love the topic and you are at pains on how to create a story around it. So you open up a word document and you start writing about it without rhythm or rhyme. At some point you stop and realise that it wasn’t even your idea in the first place. The beard thing was not even my idea. It was Gathoni’s. Gathoni is the lady who washes my scalp at the barbershop. Every week, George – my barber for 5years – shaves me, Gathoni washes and massages me. Gathoni is one of those chicks that packed a small bag and left home somewhere in the bushy armpits of Kagumo, in Kirinyaga, to come to the city to seek better fortune. Which is to say, she isn’t any much different from all of us. See, the village wasn’t working for her. It never does for a girl like this. A girl who always believed she was too big to waste her life in the village, avoiding getting knocked up by the twerp Thuo (pronounced Dhuo), the dysfunctional first son of the chief whose spends his time drinking bootleg alcohol in local dives as he waits for his father to roll over and die so he can inherit his matatus and shamba. Or prot as Okuyus call it. School didn’t go so well for this girl, but with a face that is easy on the eye, a body that that even could stir something in the village priest, a girl like this knew she had a better shot in bigger ponds city. So she lands and gets a job as a receptionist, waitress, an usher for a product launch, or at a salon like Gathoni did. Since she’s aware that she is disadvantaged educationally, she will capitalize on her looks to get ahead. So she will get up to speed in fashion, discover weaves (gasp) and wedges and then she will start dating up – never down – until one day she lands a rich businessman bored out of his ass in his marriage, a man who will eventually get her from her little darkroom (see what I almost did there?) in Embakasi and put her up in a ka -bedsitter in Kileleshwa, right next to the middle-class noisemakers on twirra. She will work hard; picking calls, running errands, waiting tables or washing and scrubbing scalps of balding men like me. She will work hard because the other option is Dhuo back in Kagumo. And at some point, you won’t be able to tell that only three years back she was in Kagumo, milking her mother’s only grade cow and fighting that rut with wild dreams of escape. You won’t be able to tell the village in her until she opens her mouth and tell her colleague something like: “Ciku tafadhali ukienda shop si uninurie shuwing ngum?” Only then will you know that Kagumo still lives in her, that no amount of tall wedges can elevate her higher than where she comes from. Here is what happened one-day. She was washing my head in the sink and as usual we were having some random chit chat about sijui how God picks people from some desperate situations and rise them up when she said, “…ooor [all] u ave to ndo is knero ndown and tell ngod ur witches.” Look, this chic has done my head for close to three years, I long stopped caring that she can’t pronounce words well but when she said “witches,” (to mean “wishes”) in the same sentence as God it took every thing I had in me not to drown in that sink laughing. Look I don’t mean to slight Gathoni and his ilk. She isn’t a lesser person because she says brow-dry. She can’t be defined by her r’s and l’s, which is just a product of her environment, not her character. She is honest, she has tons of ambition and unlike many of us, and she actually works towards them in very many ways every damned day. That counts more than brow-dry and witches, doesn’t it? One day she mentioned in passing that maybe I should let my beard grow longer. I asked why. She said it would make me look “kama mndurume.” I didn’t know what that was, but it sounded like something with horns. And I like things with horns. Like Buffalos. A week later I asked the missus what the hell “mndurume” was and she asked calmly – but an arched eyebrow – “where did you hear that?” and I immediately knew the right answer was going to quickly turn into the wrong answer. So I said I heard someone refer to the late Michuki as that at the barbershop (at least I didn’t lie about the venue). And she told me it’s like “a mandingo or a man’s man.” So I made the decision to grow my beard longer. You would too. No? When you grow your beard longer, you learn to avoid soups, soups and children who think if they pull it I will promptly burst into one of their favourite songs. A big beard also makes you look like you have weighty things on you mind (and chin). It gives you that “distracted” look that you are onto something big. Also, and mostly importantly, it takes away the attention from my forehead. Tamms loves it. The missus thinks it’s going overboard. Sir Charles – Caribana’s barman – said it reminds him of Malcom X’s beard (don’t believe anything barmen tell you) and one cab guy said he used to sport a bushier one, until someone burnt it in his sleep. I successfully wrestled the urge to ask more. My beard is four months old now, longer than most relationships in Nairobi now and I want to grow it until either one of two things happen; a start losing my face under it, or start losing my friends over it. Whichever comes first. I’m on another social experiment; I’ve been laying off alcohol for a month, which you will be pleased to learn doesn’t augur well with the beard. A bearded guy always needs either a drink in his hands or a sword. When I go to a bar, I now order soda water, ice and some lemon slices, which fools everyone (but myself) that I’m on gin and tonic or some sexy cocktail. It’s a miserable existence, if you want to know the truth. But when you sit in a bar drinking stone sober you hear and see things you shouldn’t. Like this story. This is a true – but tragic – story by the way. I was reviewing this bar, which I won’t mention. I’m seated at the counter, sulking at my soda water willing God to show me a sign and turn it into whiskey. I hear a lady seated two seats away giggle and tell her date- or whoever he was – “si you show me? Aii, you are lying!” My first thought was, Oh no, I hope he is lying and doesn’t show her whatever he wants to show her. But he shows her all the same and when he does I hear a gasp from the barman before I hear the gasp from the lady. It’s a gun. He packing a piece! I see it there, tucked into his holster belt against his love handles. Guns look great on TV but they look ugly when they are in your surrounding. I was a bit shaken to tell you the truth and for a moment I wanted to nerro ndown and pray to ngod. I imagine how this gun-flossing thing started. It’s starts with the guy catching the date staring. Guy: You know that guy? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because you keep staring at him like you know him. Girl: Please, I’m not staring at him; I’m staring at his beard. Guy: Hmm, you like his beard? Girl: Naah, it’s grizzly and untidy. But I think it might look good on you, baby. (Guy rolls eyes, which is something men who carry guns should NEVER do) Guy: It’s okay if you like that bearded look. I’m easy. Girl: (Stroking his arm) Come on baby, it’s nothing. I like your look. You have a clean smooth look; besides the forehead on top of that beard makes him look like a Lords Resistant Army rebel. (The guy stares at my forehead and resists a chuckle but fails) Girl: (Poking him in the ribs playfully) You are jealous aren’t you? Guy: Because of a beard? Please! I’m

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not jealous. Girl: (Giggles) Yes you are! Guy: Why should I be, I have something that guy doesn’t. Girl: (Blushing), Awww, what, me? Guy: Uhm, yes, but something else. I have a gun. Girl: (Flirtatiously) Ohhh…will you shoot me with your gun, officer? Guy: I mean a real gun. Girl: Oh. Small pause. Girl: Si you show me, aii you are lying…. (Guy parts his coat. Barman gasps. Girl gasps. Bearded man gasps) More and more young urban guys are packing guns in Nairobi to remain relevant to women and to themselves. It’s got nothing to do with protection because when the bad guys rap on your car window, you have no time to pull your piece and even if you had a small window you would be foolish to do that. So yes, if it’s about protection, they are certainly protecting their ego. But most importantly it’s about vanity and a rehabilitation of their manhood. They carry guns on their hips because it gives them power, power that their strength of character have failed to give them. They carry guns because they have lost their talent of persuasion, of diplomacy, of subtlety. They carry guns and show them to women because they imagine that will look more attractive, risque, sexy, mysterious. Pick one. That the guns will get them wet with desire. Inverted machismo. They carry guns to make up for their sexual insecurities and their status misinformation. They carry guns in the hope that guns will give them respect among fellow men even though nobody respects a man with a gun, you fear a man with a gun. But you got to admit it: Showing a woman your gun beats the hell out of showing her your beard. [Photo credit: Flickr]

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87 Comments
  1. You managed to squeeze your disdain for both twitter and Kileleshwa into one sentence, bravo.
    I too read Michael Lewis’ piece on Barack, the basketball narrative was especially gripping.
    Na kwani Kagumo iko Kirinyaga si I thought it’s in Nyeri, or have I missed your point.
    Good post.

  2. You managed to squeeze your disdain for both twitter and Kileleshwa into one sentence, bravo.
    I too read Michael Lewis’ piece on Barack, the basketball narrative was especially gripping.
    Na kwani Kagumo iko Kirinyaga si I thought it’s in Nyeri, or have I missed your point.
    Good post.

  3. Your writing reminds me of Ross McCammon of Esquire (especially last year’s Rihanna interview). Both of you are just brilliant creators of imagery.

  4. I read alot of literature,from many writers all over the world,lots of talent..but you biko,you are super talented,how you coin from kagumo to beards to guns,and hehe twirra noisemakers in kileleshwa…good stuff…kama kawaida! Keep up!

  5. good read as usual, the beard thing…..dont kid yourself about being cool, middle age is beckoning hehehe, the ‘laying off drink business’ I salute, its a battle you may not win, but for as long as it lasts, hang in there if for no any other reason then to prove us wrong hehehe

  6. I once read that fear reigns behind a gun not infront of it. Fear reigns in he who depends it to speak for him or clear his way. When a gun is pointed at you, you not only realise how precious life is but also how unfair it is. You may put your hands up as ordered but deep down you know that you are better than the one behind it.
    I too admire Michael Lewis’s work, whatever it takes he always delivers. Nice post Cheers.

    www.isincera.wordpress.com

  7. Biko,

    Today you had it out for the kyuo’s eh? No worries. We have been laughing at lunje’s for far too long… Time we got a dose of the medicine.

    Nice post… You had me *ROR*: Raughing out Roudry 😀 🙂

    Blessed week.

  8. Beard Vs Gun. I think beard wins, think Abraham Lincoln, yeah the great American chap who was assassinated because he had a great beard (OK don’t know about the beard) . I always hate it when my barber tells me that it seems my beard is starting to grow, makes me wanna kick him somewhere more personal than his beard.

  9. Okay, now this is getting scary.. Guns make guys attractive? Maybe i am getting old.
    I loved that drowning in the sink line. Lakini in this one you have ‘wezad’ the kiuks!
    And Biko, you sport a beard?? That is interesting!

  10. Awesome, rib cracking read as usual. Now, any read you recommend I always jump at, which is why am hurting my eyes searching and researching your story for the link to this Michael Lewis dude…?

  11. Gathoni sounds interesting……..actually she reminds me of kao chick i knew in campus who once told me that she would love to have ten whores (horses) in the near future-took me a few seconds to figure out what she meant then i burst out laughing HARD:) Anyhow,please lose the beard(most men NEVER look good with them).

  12. hahaha… eti “for a moment I wanted to nerro ndown and pray to ngod.”Biko you one insane guy!!nice post…made my evening 🙂

  13. You were lucky man if that chiq said she likes your beard and continued stare at you…..
    Nairobi is dangerous this days that’s why people don’t drink more than half a beer when your alone. Niece piece man.

  14. guns are greedy and evil, but there’s just something wickedly captivating about carrying or handling one…I don’t carry but I’ve handled some…it felt like the first stages of an addiction, you condemn it because it must be wrong how good it feels…kinda scary or silly I couldn’t tell.

  15. until one day she lands a rich businessman bored out of his ass in his marriage, a man who will eventually get her from her little darkroom (see what I almost did there?) in Embakasi and put her up in a ka -bedsitter in Kileleshwa, right next to the middle-class noisemakers on twirra he he waat lol!

  16. Maze you guy, you’ve dissed my barber Thuo! Is that Gathoni the same one of “ure rafiki yako wa shocrate brown” hehehehe. Great post as always!

  17. Lets get Gathoni and Pala to have a sit down. They both opted for opposite options…

    Guns you say, I don’t know of people stacking them. But you know what, if what you say is true I guess I will keep off ever getting into confrontations…this worries me though…don’t we have security checks at bars….I don’t know how comfortable I would be knowing some bloke had a piece in there.

    I hope you gave the bar a bad review….

  18. My comment finally goes through. Yay! Had already given up on ever commenting on my favorite blog… Beard trumps gun any day.

  19. Am GOR(gutheka out roudry) ask missus for ufafanuzi. *deadbyyourwords*
    I swear Biko one of these days ur going to kill someone. hire a good lawyer …*hint-delamareguy*
    thanks for a gd start of week. have a great week. en all the best wit the beard en Booz although prophesy of doom ain’t so far.

  20. Awesome read Biko! Gathoni sounds like that Kawira gal on Papa Shirandula….and you …..Beard and no alcohol…well dont want to get into any trouble mentioning it but i hope you havent been visiting any of our neighboring country of late and especially that one where they elected their president the other day…..

    You are so dead right about guys and guns…..have been meeting that kind of late and even one accidentally dropped the gun and i had to deal with a very swollen and painful toe for 2 weeks…but ofcoz much better to deal with than if the the worst could have happened.

  21. Any man that carries a gun and dares to flaunt it in a bar of all places, has an ill-equiped mind to handle it or know the kind of accountability that comes with it. It’s the you-tube generation that believes if it’s on a tube/flat screen it must be right or cool.

  22. Biko, again you deliver a brilliant insight into ambition and motivations..I’ll pick a beard anyday- no gun will ever get me wet!!!

  23. But most importantly it’s about vanity and a rehabilitation of their manhood. They carry guns on their hips because it gives them power, power that their strength of character have failed to give them. They carry guns because they have lost their talent of persuasion, of diplomacy, of subtlety. They carry guns and show them to women because they imagine that will look more attractive, risque, sexy, mysterious. Pick one. That the guns will get them wet with desire. Inverted machismo. They carry guns to make up for their sexual insecurities and their status misinformation. They carry guns in the hope that guns will give them respect among fellow men even though nobody respects a man with a gun, you fear a man with a gun.

    Beautiful piece overall but the above did it for me…. So True. So on point and mmmhhhhhh so well said. Nice One Biko

  24. Rare (even from you) and exceptional articles like this one here is the reason I come to high school. When you are in your element you are unmatched.

  25. Why does this sound familiar? I could swear I’ve read this peace before.

    Biko…did you go and repost one of your previous posts?did you?

    I remember coz the first time I laughed so hard I almost choked and even though I have read it again, I still think you are a marvelous writer.

  26. “Girl: (Flirtatiously) Ohhh…will you shoot me with your gun, officer?”….

    lets stop fooling around…we know what Biko was really talking about…we know!!!!

  27. i have to agree with you on one thing, a gun will not really help you much in a dire situation ,especially with aks and scary machetes pointed at you.

  28. Biko your writing style has significantly changed. Honestly and personally speaking, not for the better. you seem to be scratching your head more for the style than the content and its result – a meal served cold and burnt at the same time.
    Dig deep and find that biko; the biko that wasn’t afraid not to please; the biko that let his shirt remain untucked from the left side going only; like a bad boy of writing, you get what I mean right? Either that, or shake that hood that has veiled your creative eyes.

    Even if, I shall read next time, can’t promise for how long though : (

    1. I must agree…ever since the bata post…the travels..the S III review…something changed…it’s not been all bad, but neither has it maintained a consistent flow….high school almost felt like chemistry lessons for me…every lesson can’t seem to connect with preceding ones…always feel like the teacher skipped something on the lesson plan. A disconnect…and posting comments got harder…for me at least.

  29. Wo! was laughing through the piece, until i reached that bar part. It reminded me of a gruesome incident when a security guy entered a bar and shot down ppo just cuz his babe was in a corner fondling another guy(Uganda) Now guys, dont care whichever way u look at it, showing off a gun is not a sign of machissimo, its that of weakness! Otherwise liked it.

  30. Oh how I have laughed! 😀
    Beards… ai no they make one look old. As for the guy with the gun, it’s so sad how things are fast sliding downhill for guys when they have to carry guns to feel more masculine.

  31. I agree that recent articles have not been top-notch (kwanza last week Biko hit rock bottom and I too was worried) but this one right here.. C’mon this one is brilliant. Try re-reading it on Friday afternoon and you’ll probably see it in better light.

  32. standing ovation man! awesome! i think ‘fra’ up there must have been scratching his head for a name….the he just wrote fra and some wierd comment

    1. Go back and read posts like ‘We succumb’, ‘Zanzibar’, the SIII review, fish bone stuck in his throat, the Stephen King replica of that gal with the nice behind who ‘curled up on her green couch reading a book’, Paul etc, and you shall notice a vivid change in his style.

      Biko’s life has stuck in a routine or he’s going through a writer’s block caused by some distress that’s reflecting in his passionate writing.

      Its too proper to be right, if you know what I mean, Mad Woman {really, Mad Woman, tiihiii}.

      High school needs a recess; Biko’s in trouble gang.

      ps. am a gal

  33. I must agree, there is tht weird look s beard gives you, and that is my lecturer who used to sleep in the middle of a lecture in the name of “meditate”

  34. I was in the company of a guy who has a gun this weekend. Needless to say, he ruined all our weekends because the gun got us into so much drama. I agree with you TOTALLY! men are packing guns because they are making up for their inadequacies of being real men (They cannot hold an intelligent conversation, they think it is impressive to women – try 20year olds if that line is your only hope of ever getting laid, they are just downright lazy to put in the work to get a woman!). I could go on and on because of the fresh wounds but you said it all. Great piece.

  35. Biko, this was laced with you wry wit and sense of humour….some may feel the writing has changed but that hasnt. Beard over gun…..

  36. Biko, it may be true that the writing may be different but how you lace high school assemblies with your wit and humour hasnt changed. Beard over gun any night

  37. Soda water eeew but hey more power to you. It’s past midnight and I’m laughing so loudly my new househelp must be wondering what she’s gotten herself into. She might take off 1st thing tomorrow. Thank you for this great post.

  38. You always make my days! You just had to diss our Gathoni. Anyway,big up for the read…I’m never quitting High School 🙂

  39. Haha..had a great laugh and was glued to the end. And gun totally trumps beard in my opinion. I am also guilty of writing about writing instead of doing the actual writing here … http://njambiemungai.com/wordpress/how-to-become-a-good-writer/

  40. cool read biko. i agree, a gun is the ultimate turn on.

    @ JB, whats with the friggin spam thingy. its making posting comments so hard !!

  41. Great piece Biko! But I have some beef to pick with this Guy Fla, ..is it Fra? I tried to figure what kind of person Fra is.From the comment I deduce that you love scratching, you don’t like your head that’s why you constantly scratch it.You have a terrible barber and you would love to get a head massage. I also figured out whoever cooks your meals is a terrible cook! a word of advice, anyone who serves you with a cold burned meal is out to finish you! Get some legal advice! I also observed you don’t like tucking you shirt and witch you could be a bad boy.If only witches could be whores e’s! Finally I hope you’ dig deep’and one day you might be a writer of Biko’s calibre.

    1. Name, check out my reply to ‘Mad Woman’ who posted on the 18 Sep {if you scroll up the page you shall find me}.

      We grow because we embrace feedback; more so constructive feedback.

      And yes, I pray that one day I shall be a writer of Biko’s caliber.

      p.s. your spelling and punctuation needs some work Name.

  42. This is so true and sad. Happened to me early this morning at K1 when some man in a black range rover threatened me with a gun because I had taken a picture of his friends sexy MR2 Toyota!

  43. I read that description of Caro and the image of that mshamba mbotch lady in the revamped Vioja Mahakamani came to mind. 😀

    Biko, sincerely, your skill in weaving a vivid image through your prose is unmatched, why don’t you just write that darn book you’ve been contemplating?

  44. Great article,awesome read.I just love this line below :-

    ” A bearded guy always needs either a drink in his hands or a sword ”

    keep up the good work

  45. Oh my goodness! a amazing post dude. Thank you Even so I is going to be experiencing issue with ur rss . Don’t know why Can not subscribe to it. Will there be any person acquiring identical rss issue? Anybody who knows kindly respond. Thnkx
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  46. This is thoroughly hilarious! Well written! I think the High School agrees that a man with a gun may be respected more than one with a beard! #Guns and Beards!

  47. “She said it would make me look “kama mndurume.” I didn’t know what that was, but it sounded like something with horns.” LOL. That makes me laugh every time.

  48. I guess I am late for the party, back in 2012 was still a naive villager but now that Nairobi has ‘modernized ‘ me, I am compelled to follow biko zulu so as to seem suave. Being kisii also means I actually do tell God my witches.

  49. Woii my people.
    “Si uninunurie shewing gum”

    Biko hebu tell me, where is Sam or is it Kyalo?
    Huyu George sasa ni nani?