Hips Don’t Lie

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It wasn’t in the 8-4-4 curriculum, but any man knows this, primately; a man should always sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door. Doesn’t matter what type of a man you are; you could have one eye, or one leg, two left feet, or have a problematic hairline that hangs too close over your eyebrows…you always take the side of the bed closest to the door whether in a hotel room, in a simba, in a tent, your house…. Our fathers did it. So did our forefathers in the caves they dwelt in. The reason, if you are asking, is so that when thieves and undesirables break in, or over-enthusiastic shylocks kick in the door, it’s the man they meet first, not the woman. It’s the natural order of things. In fact, it’s written somewhere in the Bible, in the Song of Solomon because Solomon was the kind of guy who knew these things. If it’s not in the Bible then that’s a crying shame, because it should be; men, sleep closest to the door and protect your women. Women, don’t wear old branded t-shirts to bed. It causes nightmares.

The man in this week’s story is the kind of guy who sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door. And because of that, because of this chivalrous act, he has paid for it and his right hip is wrecked as a result. He walks with a slight limp—as if a surgeon forgot a ball of gauze in his rectum after a particularly unprofessional surgery. He might find a hard time believing this, but it’s a nice walk as far as walks go. A swagger that isn’t matured yet. A halfway swagger. When he walks he sways slightly, like an old dhow lost in a storm. “I saw very many hip doctors and physiotherapists. This particular physiotherapist told me five years ago, ‘the problem with your hip is caused by your wife,’” he says. “My wife is a plus-size woman.”

How he explains it is that because he sleeps on the side of their bed closest to the door, his wife, a cuddler, likes to place her leg on him as they sleep and her leg weighs “half my weight.” He’s a small petite guy with quick light footsteps, like a deer’s. He weighs around 61 kilograms before lunch. His wife weighs around 98kgs after lunch. “You could say I have a hip problem because I like plus-size women.” He laughs.

“What’s the size of her leg?” I inquire. I’m idle. And petty. To be fair I’m also fascinated by how nature makes such small men go for big women. Marriage causes many things, but whoever heard that his marriage caused a bad hip?

“It’s like this size,” he illustrates exaggeratedly.

“Big,” I say.

“Yeah, and heavy, bro.”

“Why don’t you then just tell her that she is hurting you?”

“And sound like a sissy?”

“Better a sissy than lose one leg,” I’m warming up to this and it’s his fault, “if your leg is amputated because she cut off all the blood supply at night what will happen?”

He laughs. “It’s impossible,”

“Yeah, you think? Then you will have to sleep on the other side of the bed and then she will place her other leg on your only remaining leg then that too will be amputated. Eventually. Then she will have no use for you when she has nowhere to place her leg at night.”

We are cackling.

“Yeah, she will say, ‘this marriage is not working for me anymore, my leg needs are not being met.’”

“You will protest and say, but you caused both my legs to be amputated…what’s her name?”

“Linda*” He laughs.

“But you caused both of my legs to be amputated, Linda!”

“Then the therapist will say, now now let’s take a moment, guys, -”

“You are in the therapist’s room?”

“Yeah, we are. Keep up, Biko. He will say, calm down guys, it’s obvious this marriage needs a leg up.”

“Ha-ha. To which you will say, ‘I just feel like this is an unfair situation for me because I don’t have a leg to stand on.”

He laughs. “Oh boy. Maybe we should write a TV comedy script about this.”

“Yeah? You think the idea has legs?” I ask. “Seriously, though. Your hip hurts because she puts her leg on you?”

Yes, he said. For long stretches of time as they sleep.

He sent me a picture of an X-ray or MRI of his hip. It looked like the leg of a lamb. He insisted it had been displaced from the sockets. He also showed me a picture of his wife taken next to a nice car which I assumed was hers. She had on a bright sundress. She looked very big and very confident. She looked like those people who laugh very loudly. She also looked like those people who you can’t tell ‘don’t look now but there is a guy on the next table who was once jailed for cattle rustling,” because they will look. She also has happy eyes. Those people who take ages to get mad at you but when they do the police have to be called.

“I’ve never seen my wife stand on weighing scales in the 13 years I’ve known her. We don’t own one. We don’t need one. She doesn’t do the whole intermittent fasting thing. Or ignores carbs,” he says, “She’s a big woman who is proud of being a big woman. A size 22 now because she was unwell two months ago but we are working to gain the weight back. I have always loved plus-sized women. I have never been attracted to small women or average sized-women. And my wife knows that, so we are happy the way we are.”

His first wife was also a big-boned woman. That marriage lasted two years, he says, but doesn’t quite tell me why because he says it’s a “sensitive issue.” They have a child. He doesn’t see his child because they moved continents when the marriage ended. “Last time I saw my daughter was when she was a year old. A mutual friend sent me a picture of her, she’s all grown now.” He says. “Either she thinks her current father is her real father or she was told that I died. One day I will sit before her at a table and introduce myself.”

He has seven children with his current wife.

Seven.

Children.

“Like days of the week?” I ask incredulously.

Chuckle. “Yeah. Seven.” He sighs. “And she wants more.”

“With your bad hip?” I laugh. “How!?”

Unlike her, he grew up in a normal-sized family in a small agricultural town with one street and one city clock. His father was a civil servant in the dairy sector; drove around in a pickup and always seemed to be in gumboots. He was good with cows and goats and sheep, which they kept in their compound. His mother was a housewife who took care of the four of them and the grade cows, goats and sheep. He describes his childhood as “very calm and uneventful.” His wife, on the other hand, grew up as an only child. She was raised in the city by a single mother who worked in a bank. “She had a pretty decent childhood from what she tells me,” he shrugs. “They didn’t lack for anything. She went to decent schools. Her father died when she was very young and her mother never remarried. She was loved. Her mother is very loving. Very Godly.”

When they got their twins a few years ago, they decided that surely, five children were more than enough. “I honestly didn’t want many children,” he says. “I wanted three at most but when we got our twins I thought, whoa. Whoa. Hang on. No more children. At all. No more.” She went and saw her gynae who put her on contraceptives. And then all was quiet for a while until she announced again that she was pregnant, a year later.”

“I was pissed off, to be honest. Very ticked off. I thought, what are we having all these children for? Where are we going to keep all of them? Certainly not on shelves, like books!” He shakes his head solemnly but his eyes are laughing. “Children change your life, they say, but mine really changed my life. Oh they did. Because we had to move out of a decent apartment I liked, to the outskirts of the city, into a house I hated because we needed space for the children. Also my second born daughter suddenly developed a love for dogs and you can’t keep four children and a dog in an apartment. It’s the perfect recipe for disaster.”

They sat down and had a long talk about this children’s business. “We can’t afford any more kids,” I told her. She agreed. It’s not like her job brings in millions. We are middle-income earners. I have a job and a struggling business. She has a job but I feel like she could retire today and raise the children and she would be okay. Anyway, things were okay again. We made sure that her contraceptive was okay. Then I think she removed it because how else would she get pregnant again? Why else would God give me twins again? Why would God choose us for a miracle? I don’t even go to church!”

The past few years have been hard, he says. His business came off the hinges and rolled into the bush where it is now growing rust, home to broken dreams and some rodents. They moved again, even farther from their old bungalow in the outskirts of the city to a much bigger house.

“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful,” he says, “ but I feel suffocated.”

His house is like a shipyard. It’s noisy and crowded. Things are always breaking. Someone is always screaming. Or falling. Or crying. They are always buying food. Always. He has bought two fridges in the past three years. “I have to get a bigger fridge because of demand and supply,” he says deadpan. “Now I’ve bought a massive fridge, the type they have in butcheries. They are like ants, my children. Always eating.” They are chubby children. They type people call “cute” and touch their cheeks in malls and in elevators. “Because they are always eating, they outgrow their clothes so fast so I am always in Toy Market with a big bag because if you buy one shoe you have to buy everybody a shoe or there will be mayhem and anarchy in the house. Let’s talk about school fees…[pause]…actually let’s not talk about school fees. Let’s also not talk about planning for a simple thing like going to visit one of my siblings, let alone a holiday. Let’s not talk about ordering in. It’s like feeding a delegation.”

The kids have robbed them of their romance. “There is always someone who is running a fever or who hurt their toe who wants to sleep with us in our bed,” he says. “I’m lucky to have quiet time in bed with just the wife just once a week. Our sex is infrequent and when we are at it I always feel like she’s wondering if there is enough milk in the fridge.”

Ha-ha. I laugh. “Or if there is a kid sitting outside the bedroom door in their pajamas, sulking because you wouldn’t open the door.”

“I appreciate my children and I love them but it’s become so alien, my house…my life, so small.” He says sadly. “I read a story in your blog about that lady who said she wanted to pack her bags and abandon her children and husband. I thought, that is me! I don’t want to abandon them per se, because my daughters – I have five – would not stop crying and I couldn’t live with that but I want to go somewhere every month for a week just to get away from them. It’s so loud there, strewn with toys and plates and noise.”

“Paraphernalia of domesticity,” I say.

“Paraphernalia of domesticity, I love that,” he says. “Do you know I used to write a long time ago?”

Here we go, I thought. Everybody tells me that; do you know I used to write in high school?; Do you know I’m a good writer only I never find time to write?; I want to write a poetry book, I’m good at poetry, I used to write it in high school. Everybody has a writer in them, that’s what I have learnt in life. Even accountants.

So anyway, he tells me about his writing ambition for five more minutes before we go back to his domestic woes. Does he resent his children? I ask him. He pauses. Then he says he doesn’t resent them, but he feels that they have driven his needs further and further away. It’s like a tide that stole his dreams. “I’m afraid to say that I don’t enjoy being home as much as I should. I feel suffocated.”

“Why?”

“Because when at home I just feel like a pinata.”

Oh that makes me laugh. A pinata. I picture his children walking around with baseball bats or sticks, occasionally stopping to whack him for candy and sweets.

“I feel like I’m giving and giving and giving and the moment I walk into the house nobody wants to know how I’m feeling, if I’m okay, they just start taking from me; someone wants their toy fixed, someone wants to be carried on my back, someone is showing me homework that I can’t figure out, someone’s tablet is not coming on – because they fuckin don’t know that it uses electricty and not good intentions,” I’m laughing, “it’s dad this, dad that, I have no time to take a deep breath. Then now we have two dogs because one dog is NOT enough and dogs…Biko do you have dogs?”

“Only in my head.”

“They leave fur on you,” he says, “So when I get to work my colleagues think I live in a kennel.” Hohoho, I’m howling. “And on top of feeding my children, I have to feed these two damn dogs.”

“Are they those small sinister looking and entitled house dogs that nap on your chair and refuse to move?”

“Those ones!” he says.

“I like big dogs, though,” I add, “the type that can eat your leg.”

“Ha-ha. Me too…if I lived on a ranch!”

“I’m sorry, I brought that up.” Haha.

Increasingly, he says, he’s becoming more angsty, tetchy. Because he can’t snap at his kids, he snaps at people. He’s in essential services so he normally has to deal with people and people are starting to avoid him. Because he’s grumpy and sleepy, half the time. He feels like his life has developed new wheels and has taken a new direction that he can’t control. He feels like his life has shrunk and when he looks up he doesn’t see a horizon, just a bag of diapers. “My youngest still has something like 20 years before they can be completely independent,” he tells me, “Which means I will find the freedom to do the things I want to do when I’m 66 years old. Can you imagine that, 66 years old? What can you do at 66 years of age?”

“And with a bad hip,” I say helpfully. “Maybe two bad hips.”

“Or perhaps they would have amputated both legs, so my wife will be taking me out in the sun to bask every morning.”

“Ha-ha. And the damned children will not be calling you because they will be busy with their lives and when you call them they will keep saying, ‘Dad, let me call you back, I’m in a meeting.’” I say.

“Then they will not call back and when I complain they will say I’m being needy.”

“And that will hurt your feelings and deep resentment will find a home in your heart and resentment comes with the devil.”

“But I will find church,” he says.

“Or you will start a church.”

“A church where nobody shaves…” he says.

“And everybody is lactose intolerant.”

“Ha-ha. And nobody comes with children to church.”

“Halleluyah.” He laughs.

“Amen, brother Amos.”

We really should write a bad comedy and make fun of children, I tell him. Just poke fun at them. Make them cry. Get our revenge before we die.

“But seriously, how is your wife doing?” I ask him after we have stopped the silliness. “ How is she coping?”

“She loves it!” he says incredulously. “She absolutely loves the mayhem. Many times when we are in the room talking and we hear the sound of one of our children falling down and start wailing and she tries to get up to go and check on them, I hold her hand and say, ‘don’t go, let them cry,” but then she sits there and tries to ignore the baby crying and I can see from her face that she is no longer in the room with me and she wants to cry too, so I let her go. We can’t even be a team on something like letting our child cry. She is incapable of cruelty. But yes, she loves being a mother, she says it. She is a busybody in the house. She never really goes anywhere, all she wants to do is cook and take care of the children.”

“Is she from coasto?”

“Yes?” Then he adds suspiciously, “How do you know? Do you know her?”

“She looks like she’s from coasto,” I say laughing. She looks like she likes wearing a leso and making mandazis on Sunday morning.

So what gives? I ask.

“I don’t know,” he sighs.

“Have you discussed it with the wife? This feeling?”

“Hell no, she will think I don’t love her. She will hear that I’m tired of her and the kids. Women have a way of making things be about themselves. She will think I don’t appreciate what God has given us. But I also wish God would give me more money and a big house with a space at the back where I can disappear to often and not open the door if any of the kids knock on it.”

I tell him that I think he should find a hobby. Something that doesn’t involve trying to figure out why the tablet isn’t coming on. I tell him that maybe he’s too close to the elephant and he’s only seeing the nuts, and that if he steps away he might appreciate the tusks and other things. He doesn’t read or like reading so that is out. He thinks camping is for white psychopaths on the run from the law. They only have one TV set and it’s been taken over by cartoons. He can’t boil an egg to save his life. He doesn’t like gardening. Or farming. “Get that constellation app and every night look at the sky and identify constellations.” [He looked at me like I was mad]. He loves cars and driving.

“Then take drives.”

“It costs fuel.” He says. “Remember I have seven children?”

“Oh yeah.”

“But long drives would be nice,” he says.

“Yeah, face the car south on the bypass and move and keep driving, not stopping. You will find yourself in coasto, where you will think, do I have to go back?”

“I will say, nope, toss my phone in the ocean and get a new burner phone.” He continues.

“That can no longer play Burna Boy.”

“Who needs to listen to Burna Boy when they can listen to the waves of the ocean?” he says. “I will be at peace. Start a new life.”

“Then one day you will meet a girl in the market,” I say, “A plus-size Swahili girl with bedroom eyes.”

“No, no, no, “ he laughs, “No more plus-size girls.”

“You will resist her but you will keep going back to her stall at the market, to feed off the beauty of her eyes.”

“Finding excuses to buy more muhogo and achari.”

“True love.” I say.

“Yes, and I will forget the mayhem of my old life.”

“Until she starts placing her leg on your hip, ruining it completely because now you will be old and ageing and possibly arthritic.”

He laughs. “Then I will call you and say, Biko, do you want to do my story about how I ruined my other hip?”

“Ha-ha. How will I say no to another bad hip story?”

***

Last call for the online writing Masterclass slated for next week. Drop an email on [email protected]

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178 Comments
  1. A huge laugh. His cynical positivity is just infectious. Tuesday made.

    “…don’t go. Let them cry.”

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    1. I have laughed so hard..I can only imagine what seven kids are like..I’ve got two and at times they drive me nuts though I love them to bits

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  2. that woman is yours truly,only I didn’t get to have as many children as I could have wanted, and I’m jealous of Linda,and my husband throws my ( heavy) leg off him as if it was leprous.

    And Biko shuwaly ati he’s so close to the elephant ( I hated that I saw a/the pun) that he can only see the nuts!

    I’ve had a good laugh I swear!

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  3. Hahaha…
    To Linda and all the +++size women out here, we love you.
    You always seem to have the best hearts…and always lovey dovey.

    Please stop straining our hips though. :):):)

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  4. My husband is content having two kids.I still want more but I don’t think I would get pregnant without him knowing it.
    My house is already crowded and it’s a five bedroom.
    I think I’ll stick to two.

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  5. Opposites attract you know…he likes being choked with love …women are crafty maybe she didn’t even get birth control now he is dealing with a stadium

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  6. Then I think she removed it because how else would she get pregnant again? Why else would God give me twins again? Why would God choose us for a miracle? I don’t even go to church!”

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  7. You had my ribs cracking with this one but I totally understand him and the feeling. Don’t get me wrong I have one child and she is quite a roller coaster. She however asks about my day and gives me leg massages and some nice feet scrubbing every now and then when I look worn out.

    I believe there is something he can find to do that won’t be very expensive. How about picnics with his mama twice a weekend. He just ensures there is plenty of food cooked for the little ones and he ships his mama off to a picnic where they can listen to nature and no sounds of baby cries and then he can start finding his way home again.

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  8. Seems like Biko had so much fun hanging out with this one. very hilarious story. All the Best to the Hip guy. oh how I wish I could be blessed with two sets of twins.

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  9. Very hilarious, now I look forward to waking up only on Tuesdays! Thanks Biko. The poor father of 7 he should have gotten a vasctomy after baby number 5. Why God doesn’t give these blessings to people that need them I will never understand.

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  10. Of parenting. An interesting one. Please write the comedy together. You got two episodes already from this.

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  11. I love this My rich old man, I tell him the same, “Find a hobby and enjoy life.” Well he looks at me with a face that says, “Easier said than done.” Then I think to myself, it’s an age thing, if I was in his shoes with all the time and money but little energy, I’d not know what hobby to stick to. My take home, Raha jipe mwenye, only because you can’t tap into someone to give you what only you know will give you joy. Well that’s a lot of you’s in one sentence

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  12. Ala!
    Seven kids? In this economy?
    Ngai.
    I laughed so much throughout this story.
    Seriously though, I’m so happy that more and more people are being honest about parenthood and how it’s NOT a walk in the park.
    I think that both parties should agree on how many kids(if any) they want and if one person says they don’t want more kids, their decision should be respected.

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    1. The thing about birth control is it doesn’t have 100% guarantee. It can fail at times and it can cause issues to one’s body at times. It’s quite a delicate yet very important matter.

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  13. I loved this one..
    Poor guy, I can only imagine how suffocated he’s feeling… I don’t want a lot of kids, if I could have none, I’d be happier…
    Take the drive bad hip guy, it’ll do you good..
    Thank you Biko for this one

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  14. I love your stories, they are great.Your technique of putting words on paper is excellent.I too was a good writer but in Highschool just like Amos.Haha.

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  15. Seven children is good for the kids, they will have enough siblings to look up to and have get togethers, but it is tough, really tough on the parents, not with today’s economy. The story very hilarious

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  16. That guy is fun hanging out. He makes his menace sound just about fun but hell no its not, its 7 damn children in one house.
    He has a conundrum in his hands.

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  17. All of us need some time alone. I know some mothers lock themselves in the bathroom while their army camps out waiting for them to come out.

    Fathers,we are good at this. We hang out at the bar till the waitresses start rolling their eyes wondering whether we intend to sleep there. Then we will stagger home to catch a wink before heading to the hustle.

    Personally,I think life never fully hands you everything on a platter. Let’s learn to appreciate the small joys….

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    1. Yeah, like accountants don’t remember any syllable…….they are only meant to punch on numbers, i wiped my tears for the first time in 2021, hilarious read.

  18. Haha. Writers can be annoying when trying to prove they are writers! But I am also a writer. I swear! Just click on my name up here and see.

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  19. Grace… that’s what people need to remember, give yourself and receive Grace.Ask for it…a time out. Don’t wait for “someone” to see that you need it. Ask. There were twelve of us growing up…it has its own rewards. But don’t forget Grace…Ask, receive and Give. I agree with the Biko’s suggestion; write, run, walk…hip permitting, do something for you. Your first love is for you! Wishing you strength…

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  20. This is my favourite story of the year. Just life and humour; had me laughing real hard at the hilarious descriptions. He won’t have a second bad hip, in fact, the one bad one is healed.

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  21. So hilarious until I read the bit where he’s overwhelmed with fatherhood. I like that he can still laugh amidst all these. I hope he can find time for himself soon -everyone needs it. He needs it more.

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  22. She also looked like those people who you can’t tell ‘don’t look now but there is a guy on the next table who was once jailed for cattle rustling,” because they will look
    Guilty as charged 🙂 🙂 🙂
    AM

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  23. Why does it feel like you’ve been a fly on my wall? So many dogs at Mr. My person has a bad back which he blames on me.

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  24. I keep wondering, why do men get pissed off when their wives get pregnant? Why is it the woman’s onus to make sure they don’t get pregnant? If you don’t want to sire a child why not wear a CD or get a vasectomy!! Women already have too many hormones to add to those pills and contraceptives you want us to take

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    1. Was looking for such a comment. Even a nicely flowing story there’s always a daughter of jezebel interrupt the flow to bring in man vs woman. Comeon

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  25. Poor Guy. Just drive to a secluded location even if it is 1km from your house. Park, put your phone on silent, listen to music or just sleep for as long as you need. You need it for your mental health and for you to be a better husband and father in the future. Imagine what losing you permanently would mean to your family. It is better not to have you for a few hours or days.

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  26. I have 2 children, the number of times they call me is crazy. Now imagine 7 voices all saying mum muuummm muuuuuuuuuummmmm…. But this couple will enjoy in future when they are all grown

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  27. So much truth and honesty on the man about children and parenting. and seems to be a fun guy to stick around with. Maybe to find more friends to hang out with for a while away from the children..

    May he find a church and also be encouraged by Psalm 127: 3 – 5 Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.
    No matter how they came..He is a blessed man..

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  28. I love babies. I love my daughter and I would love to have one or two others. I grew up in a small family. There were five of us (mum, dad, my sister, brother and I) and when growing up, I really wished my parents would have another kid so that we would 7 or 9 like other families in the small village I grew up in.

    However, by the time I hit my early 20s, I hated big families. This is because of my dad’s family. They were two siblings from one mother. My grandmother really did a lot of work. They behaved towards each other like they were from three different mothers. They were always quibbling; they still are. When my grandfather was still alive, his house more of a Supreme Court where squabbles about everything and everyone. One time there would be a matter concerning an aunt who had been chased from her matrimonial home for being a bother to her in-laws and husband and before that was over, there would be a fight over the person supposed to feed and keep my grandfather’s livestock. There would be a matter concerning one or two uncles who had decided to make smoking marijuana their day job and feeding their families, a vacation accompanied by ‘out-of-office’ email. I hated the meetings especially when held at our home.

    I would see my father in his worst element because tempers flared up more times than not. When I look back at it, it feels like a UN General Assembly where every country, both big and small, can say anything they want because at the Assembly, all votes are equal and the US president doesn’t get more talk-time than say, the president of Tuvalu or Kiribati. Uncles I considered miscreants had a say in those meetings and it was always about them. Actually, the meetings were because of such people. They would make demands that can shock the conscience of a well-brought child in a kindergarten. So, I have grown to treat big families like you would to a dead python; touching it with a ten-feet long pole even though you are aware it cannot do anything but your irrational fear about snakes just can’t allow you to get close to it.

    So, I perfectly understand today’s subject’s dilemma. Kids are good but they can sometimes sap the energy out of someone. I am always driven by the fear that I might get lots of kids (I fear boys) and then, they turn out like of the miscreants I have mentioned above and then I will spend the rest of my life settling scores about fulani who is beating his wife because, marijuana or some other hard drug.

    Hugs baba! I totally relate.

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  29. A lovely big-boned read….
    Failure of contraception sometimes happens, the lovely couple should consider a permanent method before they hit double digits …
    The man should identify his hobby and go on trips with his wife occasionally…

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  30. I read this story and all I could think of was my dad. We are 7 of us siblings in our home. 6 daughters and 1 son. Hell, and if that was not enough, two of my sisters have kids; one each. That’s 9 goddamn people! All being raised by this one person. I know it’s been tough on him, but I only thought of the financial part of it. It never occurred to me that it could be this suffocating emotionally……I’m sorry papa.

    Speaking of Accountants, what did we ever do to you?

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  31. Husband and wife should sit and watch “Nanny 911” it’s some reality show that has a nanny help families exactly like his.
    1. In as much as there are kids and things to be done, the wife should not forget he has a partner and the vice versa…(though here, the husband clearly is self-aware)
    2. You can’t let kids run your life…they will once leave the nest and you will be left a shell of your self
    3. The guy should be happy the kids enjoy been around him, in some families once the dad gets in the house, they all scatter in different rooms to avoid him. But yes, he probably needs some time to himself
    4. The pets… well, boundaries have to be drawn, and they have to be trained. I know how it feels to get into a house that is covered roof to floor in animal fur, not great, the house feels dirty every time, no matter how much you clean it. Get bed (those masai shuka covered basket things) and let the pets get used to that being their resting places

    I am an active hiker, and hikes like to the Mt. Kenya will take 3/4 days depending …and do you know what…it’s men and women who are 40s and above dominating those hikes. Mostly doing it separately not as couple, because sometimes you need an individual hobby, someplace you can go blow steam. I even had a conversation with one such guy, he was curious to know what “I was running from”. Thank God I have some good years left before I hit 40

    13
  32. “They are chubby children. They type people call “cute” and touch their cheeks in malls and in elevators.”……this one has made my afternoon

    2
  33. “We really should write a bad comedy and make fun of children, I tell him. Just poke fun at them. Make them cry. Get our revenge before we die.” Please give this some thought. I’m all for the idea.

    Quite the hilarious chap. I hope he finds time to breath. Also, these contraceptive thingymajigs fail too in some occasions.

    3
  34. He played the victim. Why didn’t he get a vasectomy? If he doesn’t want children that badly, why doesnt he take control of the situation and get a permanent solution? We have so many options in life but are limited by cultural and traditional rules. He would be a happy and peaceful father of 3 if he had a vasectomy.

    6
  35. Weuh! I feel his predicament.
    First things first, he should get a vasectomy like yesterday. That will be a sure way to stop having more kids.
    Secondly, kids grow so fast so he should try to come up with creative ways to enjoy this time with them. Once in a while go to a place they can just run all over like an empty stadium, or a small park, or plan for activities like cook outs or bake days with the kids. Follow those kid pages on Instagram, you’ll be sure to run into families with many young children and get tips.
    Thirdly, it’s worthwhile to look for ‘alone time’ every day just to clear your head. It could mean just being disciplined enough to wake up earlier than the rest of the house.

    7
  36. Very good read, funny and relatable, but i feel this guy, women normally know how to decompress and let off steam, he needs to get a hobby asap!

  37. Hilarious! Really smooth conversation you guys had. ION, I chose not to have children for some of these reasons. Its all consuming man! They call us selfish, but not quite.

    2
  38. I can bet that one of the seven Children will one day write to Biko and explain how growing up in such a huge family was tough. Maybe oe of them can already tell how their dad is suffocated by their presence.

    2
  39. First off, I need to incite a few Accountants here in the gang so we can take this outside with Biko… or maybe we should write him a piece?

    If I had finished my dream house, for which I currently have neither land nor a drawing – but in my dreams it’s out in the bundus on 5 acres with lots of flowers and fruit trees – I’d invite Amos and leave him on his own for a few days. Because I get him. I love people but every once in a while, I need to escape and be alone with my thoughts…

    3
  40. Maybe a time will come when he Spares some time, to grab coffee, to go for walks or drives. or just be there with the kids in vast hacienda. They will realize they have someone to count on. Maybe that will make them feel comfortable sharing their battles with him. Without being judged. Maybe they will focus on listening to hip hop rather that unraveling the tales of his hip.

    1
  41. Wow! But we all grew up in big families or am i alone here. Just realised how my parents sacrificed their time for us. God bless them.

  42. My oh my! I have never laughed so hard reading Biko! The bad hip is just hilarious. Seriously though, the guy should have his one week a month holiday. Facilitate one Biko. You must rescue this other hip before it goes to the dogs!

    3
  43. Hilarious story!

    Our father of 7 should get a vasectomy. That way he’ll be sure family planning is in place. It’s inexpensive and permanent.

    Also, he needs time away. Yes, get a hobby. Even if its joining a football team – his hip though…

    Get time to yourself – go sit in Java with a book and take coffee. Take your time. Then time with Mrs alone. Go on dates, even if its once a month.

    4
  44. Poor guy I hope he finds a way out. He not only needs a hobby he needs ‘me time’ and couple time. And find a way to help his wife order their home so he can find peace there. His wife needs a balance too….

    2
  45. Very hilarious, I laughed throughout. Well written, Biko. Great interview. Interviewer and interviewee bonded really well.
    I can reread this story a million times and still not get tired of it, hilarious.
    **

    Women, don’t wear old branded t-shirts to bed. It causes nightmares…
    **
    She looked like those people who laugh very loudly. She also looked like those people who you can’t tell ‘don’t look now but there is a guy on the next table who was once jailed for cattle rustling,” because they will look. She also has happy eyes. Those people who take ages to get mad at you but when they do the police have to be called…

    Are they those small sinister looking and entitled house dogs that nap on your chair and refuse to move?”

    …His wife, a cuddler, likes to place her leg on him as they sleep and her leg weighs “half my weight.” He’s a small petite guy with quick light footsteps, like a deer’s. He weighs around 61 kilograms before lunch. His wife weighs around 98kgs after lunch. “You could say I have a hip problem because I like plus-size women.” He laughs.

    1
  46. I feel sorry for this guy. But hang in there. They will grow and hopefully the older ones will help you raise the younger ones. Your wife seems happy but she needs to understand the challenges you are having so that she can better support you. Please start by telling her to go easy on the hip. You can fake a cry or groan anytime she lays her leg on the bad hip. Also, I hope you have permanently taken care of the contraceptive side, i.e. vasectomy, else you will soon have another set of twins.

    3
  47. Hahahaha!! Poor guys….such a trap!
    This guy’s problem boils to only one thing: lack of appreciation.
    Honestly…. Appreciation is the magic wand.
    Someone needs to appreciate him…someone needs to cheer him and tell him how much a blessing hr is in her life.
    Someone needs to give him much more attention….someone needs to make him her #1 and magically, all the seven children will follow suit.

    If she creates space for him and sets it as a rule, the flock of children will obey and he’ll have some peace getting of his job title and sweetly transit into daddy.

    She needs to stroke the kids cheeks as she tells them (in his ear shot) how hardworking their daddy is and what a good provider he is.

    Someone needs to stroke his ego and honor him. Then he’ll feel he’s living the life of his dreams.

    And his leg, it only needs some massage from her chubby loving hands.

    7
  48. Fantastic story. I actually know of a family that lived at the Coast with 7 kids and one day the dad left and never returned. I guess he also got tired of taking care of 7 kids.

    3
  49. “ Everybody has a writer in them, that’s what I have learnt in life. Even accountants. “
    Biko seems not to like accountants and in as much as they have a cold heart they are still good people

  50. Ask him to “quarantine” then while self isolating he can figure how to share the news with the wife and find a lasting solution, the carpet will start tripping people.

    1
  51. Obesity is a disease. They are great parents but they need to choose healthier lifestyles for their kids. Nothing good about an overweight child

  52. Please make an effort to reach out to him once in a while henceforth, he sounds like he could use a man friend to just talk honestly to. Hopefully Linda doesn’t get to read how he bared his soul to you on how he honestly feels. Very nice read.

  53. Biko, you will need to interview this guy ten years from now and see how significantly his family life will have changed or not. Maybe they will have had an 8th child, retirement bonus lol

    1
  54. Hahahaha. This is so funny.

    A colleague of mine limps and I can’t help but wonder if he is also in the same Boat. One day, at the office party, feigning drunkenness’ I shall ask.

    1
  55. Oh my God. This is a blessed family. God will surely provide for their needs .
    I have laughed to tears though

  56. They leave fur on you,” he says, “So when I get to work my colleagues think I live in a kennel.” Hohoho, I’m howling. “And on top of feeding my children, I have to feed these two damn dogs.”

    This left me rolling

    1
  57. Strength of a woman.. 7 kids, you sure got the heart and energy. I can just imagine the all 7 each trying to make their voices heard, i got two under 5 and sometimes scream and shout it leaves your head spinning with tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii… As for your hip Amos, just change the bed sides and let the other hip be dismantled 🙂 🙂

    Nice read Biko my ribs are still cracking

  58. Boy I just envy this nigga Biko’s style of writing. It’s past the sky. I don’t like plus size women but I love hips!

    1
  59. So these is why you find people commuting all the way from Kimende to the city daily? Moving further up in search of space!

  60. woooiii… let him visit my parents and learn how they brought up the 10 of us with no salary….. this was a tbt for me… i hope my parents never looked at us that way

  61. I wish I could have sat behind you or next to you listening to all this silliness as you joke about kids. This was such a nice, warm and fun read. I could read it all over again. I don’t know why “only kids” have this obsession for many kids, its really weird. I was an only kid for a long time and I can’t stand kids at all, their mayhem or the noise that comes with them. Then I got a bf who wanted 8 of them(2nd born but with a huge gap between him and the sibling) and I ran for my dear life. If I got such many kids, I would be this man in every way, literally.

  62. I dislike accountants too. Haha. That sky app is dope. Biko this guy needs a holiday. Si you hook him up coz you know people?

  63. This was such a hilarious read…and you could sense there was great chemistry between the two of you in this interview…

  64. I’ve never seen my wife stand on weighing scales in the 13 years I’ve known her. We don’t own one. We don’t need one. She doesn’t do the whole intermittent fasting thing. Or ignores carbs,” he says, “She’s a big woman who is proud of being a big woman. A size 22 now because she was unwell two months ago but we are working to gain the weight back. I have always loved plus-sized women. I have never been attracted to small women or average sized-women. And my wife knows that, so we are happy the way we are.”

  65. the elephant: if you stand too close you may never appreciate its magnificence instead you may find you are looking at wrinkled skin like that of a flaccid p—s its not i that said so.. just adding to your anology

  66. I think this guy needs help and to also find a way of telling the wife what he’s going through. It can help the marriage a great deal because he’ll at least have someone in his corner, his wife and then they can sneak around to make love (hopefully the contraceptive is working, finally!) and then it’ll be fun and the marriage will survive and he’ll be fine.
    Not talking about such things and especially with a spouse, the one you should be discussing them with can bring more harm than the fear of the repercussions of starting the conversation.
    The wife will understand I’m sure and will even cry a lot imagining what the husband has been going through in silence.
    Let him give it a try, it’ll work and they’ll figure out a way of being a couple once more and being parents at the same time and it’ll be fun and everyone will be happy.
    While at it he should have her stop placing her huge leg over his hip or does she not know he’s at the verge of losing his leg because of that or has the guy concealed the hip pain and x-rays from her as well?