Just Friends

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You are reading a newspaper, or cutting your ugly toe nails, basically minding your own business on a very jaded Saturday afternoon, right? Suddenly a dark shadow is cast over you, like an ominous cumulus cloud. You look up and your woman is standing there and she asks, “Who is Carole?”

The first thing that pops into your head is, Is that Carol with an “e” or without? One look at her and you know she isn’t there for comic relief. From her posture and gait you are sure she doesn’t mean your cousin Carol. You are also quite sure she isn’t asking because a certain Carol sent her a friend request on Facebook and the only friend she has in common with her is poor you. She is asking because she knows Carol, which basically marks the end of the world. For you, not Carol.

And there is a way women stand that signals an impending fight depending on how you respond. Hell, it never really matters how you respond. When she decides there is going to be a fight, there is going to be a fight. She will stand with her feet slightly apart, sometimes her arms are crossed over chest, or held akimbo or holding their phone, breast-level, as if the phone is Exhibit P-56B. Then the eyes, patient eyes, as if they know exactly how you will respond. Tragically, half the time they do.

But this isn’t even the worst danger sign, the worst sign is when she asks you this question then actually takes a seat across from you!  Oh that’s bad. That’s very bad. Bad because when she sits it means she has decided to make time for your bullshit and a woman who has decided to make time for your bullshit is a dangerous woman. It is not safe.

And right at that moment you realise that there is no right or wrong answer to her question. There is only her answer, the one she knows. But because we are men, regardless of whether we are guilty or not, we were built with the exact same factory setting answer to that question: “Who?” we will mumble in bewilderment. Another chick’s name is brought into our space and all of a sudden our hearing is bad, so bad we need hearing aid. I think we need to unlearn this, maybe the next generation – our sons – will find it in them to answer the “Who is Carole?” question with a bit more class and intellect.

And the dhing is, sometimes your woman will ask you a very innocent question because she is testing you but one that will make you look instantly guilty no matter how innocent you are. It’s how they ask it. It’s a form of art. But women just don’t ask random questions. Never. Every question is connected to something and you might not find out the connection that instance but maybe three months down the road she will ask the exact same question and you had better give the same answer, Romeo. And they have mustered the art of interrogation, perhaps borrowed from Heinrich “Gestapo” Mueller: The unblinking eye contact, the slight crooked smirk, that half-bored look that says, I won’t believe anything you say, but please, proceed to humor me with your answer.

At this point you will give yourself a pep talk. You will tell yourself;  “OK, control your breathing and your heartbeat damn it! Stop breathing hard for crissake! Take shallow breaths, feed your heart with oxygen because your brain needs it. Don’t blink. I repeat, don’t blink! Act casual, or even bored, no sudden movements. Don’t touch your face! Relax. She can smell fear, they can all smell fear.”

So you will make the second mistake of the day, you will ask dumbly again, “which Carol?” And instead of repeating her question loudly for everybody in the kangaroo court to hear, she will ask even more calmly this time, which is a lot worse; “ How many Carols do you know?” Now you are on the ropes. When you mention the right Carol you will say the words that will definitely seal your fate. “She’s just a friend.”

By the way, the “just” in that statement is always an admission of guilt even if she is just your friend. One of our ancestors overused it and now it’s in a wasteland of guilt, only used by the careless and the brave. We should never use “just” before a noun. It has a defeatist connotation. “I’m just a writer.” “I’m just a designer.” “I’m just a twitter big wig.” It means you have resigned yourself to a fate you didn’t choose. In all the history of admission of guilt there is no bigger phrase than “She’s just a friend.”

The thing with women is that when she stands before you to ask about another woman it’s not that she wants to know because she already knows. Women live by the same code that lawyers live by; never ask a witness a question you don’t know the answer to. So when she is asking about Carol, she knows Carol’s full names, how they appear on her national ID, she knows where she works and how much she earns and even when she is due for a raise. She knows Carol’s best friend’s name and the cost of the weave she wears on her head, she knows where Carol  lives and whether or not she has a pet. She even knows her pet’s name and when it’s due for a jab. If Carol wears corsets, she knows where she buys them from, and at what bloody discount. She probably befriended Carol on Facebook and follows her stealthy the way a mountain leopard stalks her prey. Maybe she even chats with Carol, who thinks she is just a pleasant lady who sells women’s shoes and jeans.  The scariest thing is that she knows Carol better than you will ever know Carol. So when she is asking you about Carol, believe me, your goose has been cooking for a while now! Which means we will never win this war. We are doomed. Forever.

At this point there are two roads she will take; if you give her an answer and she just says, “hmm,” and walks away, that is much much worse than if she gives you a dress down. When they walk away with a “hmm” you don’t know what she will do next. Who she will kill next. Maybe she’s slowly scouting for a place where she will hide your charred bones. Her silence will haunt you. When a door bangs you will jump. You will have nightmares. It will drive you insane!

But since we are men and we are generally foolish, when we are interrogated and we are somewhat guilty we will act up and throw our toys from the pram. You will put down your newspaper dramatically and ask, “Where is this coming from? Is this one of your fantasies again? Are you going to ruin my afternoon by putting me on the spot? When will I sit down quietly in this house and just read one line of a newspaper? ONE line! Why do you behave like this Emily? Eh? Why do I feel like I have to answer everything like I’m in some fuckin’ prison? What is this? Are you tired of me? Do you want to leave me? Is that it? Do you want a perfect guy who reads verses and rescues homeless cats? Am I not enough? You know what,” then here you toss aside your newspaper in full dramatic fashion, ”I’m done with this shit. I can’t deal with this level of negativity anymore!” Then you walk out in a huff and she watches you calmly and right then a brilliant idea occurs to her how she will dispose of your body.

You know, if I’m in the middle of something such as writing and the Missus walked up to me and suddenly asked, “Who is Tamms?” I swear I would look up and blurt the first thing that comes to my head; “She’s just a friend.”

So when my phone rang some weeks back and because Steve Jobs felt like we iPhone users wouldn’t want to know who our True Callers are, I didn’t know who was calling. So I pick and this voice says, “This is sijui-akianinga’wa from KCB and I’m calling on behalf of the Credit Reference Bureau.”

I froze.

That, right there, is the financial equivalent of, “Who is Carol?” I panicked even though I’m not servicing any bank loan neither have I defaulted on any loan ever, so why would the CRB be calling me?  I felt cornered. Guilty. My immediate thought was that maybe they had confused me with Steve Biko – the finance blogger, Soko Analyst. Maybe Steve Biko owes the bank money and he had skipped town and is on the run and KCB and CRB are on his tail and they thought we are related and that I might know where he’s hiding. I was so ready to go all Judas on Biko, I was ready to tell them, “Biko?  Oh, he’s just a friend.”

This guy on the phone was all proper, talking like all bankers talk; with no humour in their voice. Did you know you can tell when someone is smiling while talking on the phone? I never get that with bankers, they never talk with a smile in their voice. Even social calls from banker friends. Such gloomy conversations. I wonder what happens behind closed doors of banks. Someone should investigate what they do to those poor people in there.

So this guy asks, “Do you have a KCB Mpesa Account?

“I don’t bank with KCB,” I tell him a little more defensively than I intended to.

“You don’t have to,” he retorted,  “just dial *844# and you get access loans up to 1million – “

Then I started thinking, is this one of those annoying calls from guys from banks always telling you that they have this “exciting” product that might interest you and then when you realise they are trying to sell you a loan you feel like you have wasted 2mins of your life that you will NEVER get back? But because he had mentioned the Credit Reference Bureau, I just didn’t want to blow him off because the CRB doesn’t take shit from anyone. CRB is the Godfather. When CRB calls you stay on the phone.

But what is this about? I asked.

This is about some people who have defaulted on M-PESA Loans.

Uhm, OK and?

Yes, and we want you to send that message to them.

Who’s them? How?

Them, yes, guys on your blog.

Pause.

Guys on my blog owe KCB money? I’m confused.

Maybe. Maybe not. But some of them do and some of them might in future.

Oh. So this call is about business, and I’m not in trouble with CRB?

No. You are not in trouble. Not that we know of, anyway. Do you owe anybody money?

Yes, Sande.

Who? Anyway, that doesn’t count.

Pause

What is that? I ask.

What is what?

That sound? Are you calling me from….the sound of water, are you in the kitchen, is that a waterfall?

There is no sound of water here, Jackson.

It’s Biko, thank you. No, really, I hear running water.

I’m calling you from my desk.  Why would I be calling you from the kitchen or a waterfall?! (Uuu, touchy)

Anyway, so you want to tell the guys who read my blog who may or may not have taken loans with you that CRB will be on them?

Yes.

What if they think you are just scaring them with dead snakes?

Oh, trust me CRB doesn’t do dead snakes.

If I say no, will you guys falsify my credit history and put my name in the CRB?

Haha. No. We aren’t about that.

OK, fine, but it will cost you.

That’s OK, we are Kenya Commercial Bank, I’m sure we can pay for this.

With little fanfare: here is what CRB and KCB wants you to know. You know how you take a loose 5K loan on KCB Mpesa to push you until end month? Or you take 10,000 and you don’t pay within 90 days because you think, what are they going to do, come to your office? Or you have defaulted on your bank loans for three months? They will give CRB your details and for the next 5-years you will not be able to take a loan at ANY financial institution; Sacco, microfinance, whatever. Nada. Well, I suppose you can borrow from a loose shylock….but that’s your business.

You have a HELB loan you haven’t paid in 90 days? Your name is probably at CRB now. You forgot about that 2K KCB Mpesa loan you took 4-months ago to fuel the car?  If your name is at CRB now nobody will give you a loan in this country as a result because they all fear CRB. People owing as little as 10 bob, yes, 10 bloody shillings, have been transferred to CRB and they will have you on their black list for five years and you will pee blood before any institution gives you a loan. I understand that even some embassies now get statements from CRB on request and your VISA might be denied because of that. Hell even employers are now requesting that statement on top of certificate of good conduct. It can only end badly.

In short, forget KRA, CRB is the giant rising and they are coming for you and KCB is saying, “Just pay your loans, guys, not matter how small.”

 

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238 Comments
  1. Maybe she’s slowly scouting for a place where she will hide your charred bones. Her silence will haunt you. When a door bangs you will jump. You will have nightmares. It will drive you insane!
    Good read Biko, but who is Carole? hehe

  2. I feel cheated, really wanted to know about Carol and not some damn loans / bank. These are 15 minutes of my life that I’ll NEVER get back… sigh.

  3. Really Biko? Really? Where will I get back those 7 minutes I spent reading this? ”I’m done with this shit. I can’t deal with this level of negativity anymore!” …walking out

  4. You men respond to questions from your women in the exact same way! I could see hubb’s response in your writing…totally hilarious!

  5. From Carole to CRB without missing a beat….genius! KCB owes you like a million loose ones,this message will definitely hit many guys with unpaid loans hard lol. Great piece as always.

  6. Her silence will haunt you. When a door bangs you will jump. You will have nightmares. It will drive you insane!YEAH women, we watching too many movies.

  7. I was listed with CRB because of an mshwari mkopo but i paid them. Hope i wont have to pee blood to get another ‘karoan’

  8. Love how the story was woven from the very begining to bring as to .., wait for it CRB lol!
    For real though this guys are no joke I have witnessed guys suffer coz of 2k they borrowed from Mshwari and ‘forgot’ to pay back

  9. Haki that wasn’t the ending I was expecting :)”That’s very bad. Bad because when she sits it means she has decided to make time for your bullshit and a woman who has decided to make time for your bullshit is a dangerous woman. It is not safe.” This line right here gave me a buzz 🙂

  10. I know how this feels! I defaulted my HELB in the month of August and early September I could not access a KCB-Mpesa loan. Its a good thing for me though; at least I will not be getting loans and I have to save and save some more knowing it is my only way out of emergency situations. It also lifts the burden of guaranteeing other people’s loans.

  11. Hahahahaha! This is the most creative post I have read here with a funny, bizarre twist and ending! Very well played Biko. Very well played. I like it.
    By the way, CRB motherfuckers were on me some three years ago. And I cleared with them. And they were good and professional. And they even gave me a big ass certificate as proof that our interaction ended well.
    Then this year, my bank calls me when I ask for a loan and I have to pay Metropol buggers 2K to clear my name because apparently, the out-of-date Metropol database indicates I defaulted on some credit card.
    That was daylight robbery. A very slothful way of making money by official extortion. I hope there will be no third CRB.

  12. Haha u just equated women to CRB you are special loved this one ,but then again am yet to read one I did not love, nice one

  13. Creativity at it’s best… I like how you’ve interwoven the story from Carol and passed on the CRB message witout going off the pace.

  14. I like this sarcastic twist. I see the fendi guy here with all his splendour reduced to zero. The figurative language drives home the message. Thumbs up

  15. Hahaha, you got me on that one! Am just (ha!) not happy that you took me through all that suspense for KCB/CRB. They need to pay me for the psychological torture but point made in true Biko style…tutalipa madeni!

  16. Is this your way of scaring me biko? eh? i meant to pay it,and you know that.God,cant a man owe another man(kcb) money and live in piece in this country? heck,even the government is broke,why did you have to post this in the morning? I would have prefferedmy woman asking “who’s toni braxton(arms akimbo?”

  17. I get alerts on Facebook whenever you post and the first line is always the hook. Being a guy, I have had my fair share of “who is Carole? “

  18. This writing has made me pity my guy. A grown up with a PhD can be reduced to a small boy at times when caught lying.
    Men are terrible at lying. Is it the way their brains are wired? Was so amused at one point when he got so annoyed at his stupid response, he had to ask me if I did psychology which he might not be aware of. And I just said I’m a woman. Nowadays I don’t interrogate, I just ask and walk away smiling. He just knows…

    1
    1. Hahaha…..and they forget we have patience outa this world. And we will kiss and be nice and loving to them and until the line is hooked. Lol

  19. hehe this was bitter/sweet…i was laughing all through the Carol part until i got to the CRB part..then this shit got real!!!…great article Biko and also a good wake up call to all those people with unpaid loans.

  20. Boy,did that not wake me up from my slumber. Guess am gonna have to take another “roan to crear the kcb roan..ror” 😀

  21. ”Women live by the same code that lawyers live by; never ask a witness a question you don’t know the answer to”
    That there is the best punch…so true! So Kay!!!

  22. Hi Biko, I was really into the carole story…
    I thought here is some wisdom to guys on how to getout of this carole shit…but well HELB
    penalties are really high for every month you
    default.

  23. I’m reading this…..And I rem when the call came with the name “switat” . I ask the response was that “just my cousin”. hehehe. how people lie

  24. Interesting post.
    About Carol(e). Men, take my advise. For free. Do Not know any Carol(e)s in your life. Ever. The only Carol(e) you ever need to know is your missus. But knowing men, they will forever be tempted to know one too many Carol(e)s and shit will hit the fan. Once or twice. When that happens, ignore Biko. Do Not go all Macho and shit. Try the “lost little boy” act. Works wonders. She will go all motherly and transfer her angst to Carol(e) the evil temptress.
    About bankers. Lool. No, nothing is done to them behind those closed glass doors a la Tellson’s Bank on Temple Road (REF Dickens’ “Tale”). It is the stifling corporate atmosphere that saps all creative energy out of you. Hence the deadpan look and voice.
    About CRB. OK, these guys should give us all a break. Don’t they read the news? Don’t the know how the economy is (under)performing? Anyway, I agree. If you mess with them they will mess up your life. Financially, anyway. Oh, and yeah, some employers do ask for a CRB certificate. On top of your Good Conduct. And HELB clearance. Stay off debt people. Tis a cruel world out there!

  25. That twist!!! My goodness. Very good writing.
    And on behalf of all bankers, we take exception at the implied lack of social skills. We are not gloomy. Try government workers and redefine gloomy!

  26. Bad because when she sits it means she has decided to make time for your bullshit and a woman who has decided to make time for your bullshit is a dangerous woman. It is not safe……LOL

  27. I love you Biko!…well,not exactly you,but your writing.
    Believe me you can take me all the way to he’ll if you had the power to do so.your writing is incredible, off-the-hook,intriguing. ..I could go on and on.I like how you command my attention in a very subtle way;without breaking a sweat,needless to say.Keep on keeping on. Do enjoy the rest of your day.

  28. Biko, you great at it! Consider doing a book. My only fear is ,I will be tempted to finish reading it even during working hours! Nice one

  29. I’m here scrolling on the comments hoping against hopes that somebody will find it in them to complete the Carole story.

  30. Lol. i don’t like the way this storo has shifted from ” Who is carole ? ” to Helb and its relatives hehe. I feel bloody cheated hehe. They should simply accept and move on. 10bob ni pesa ya kufuatia mtu really? Sina deni though. Nice read boss.

  31. @In Kachali, this response sums up my sentiments.” I feel cheated, really wanted to know about Carol and not some damn loans / bank. These are 15 minutes of my life that I’ll NEVER get back… sigh.”

  32. Great read!, but we should have maintained the ‘who is Carole’ lane.I was so in there, feeling myself. How do men get to understand us women this deep!

  33. Hahahahaha good preamble right there Biko! And great delivery of that seriousissue! The point’s home, thanks, actually No, thanks to ‘sijui-akianinga’wa from KCB’

  34. So really who is Carole? I feel cheated on this one Biko. As always nice read. I like the twist in the story and as usual my day is made!

  35. By the way Biko. Since I met u,I have lunch,dinner and cocktails with u all the time. All I need is ur write up and me. Keep up Dear. Ps:is it possible u can write abt ur big forehead one of this days! I also hv a big forehead and don’t do ponytail!

  36. what’s up with this jubilee govt…..when I thought I could escape my real world troubles by reading this blog here again I find loan things+ interest rates +CRB…..

  37. Such gloomy conversations. I wonder what happens behind closed doors of banks. Someone should investigate what they do to those poor people in there.
    Hehehe targets. Now you know

  38. I’ve now been forced to go through my phone book and check chick names. Also paid off that annoying mshwari loan I took to pay for those pints last week. Well played Biko. Well played.

  39. For the second time u have given me a row deal.nduta’s story part 2 and who’s carole stuff.still waiting.better be soon.otherwise the site is ready.where l will deposit ur charred bones…..heeeee

  40. In case you were in any doubt Biko, this is proof that you run this country. The CRB called you to do their advertising for them!! You my friend, have arrived.

  41. In that case, many of us here might as well start learning how to pee blood; especially about this HELB and Mpesa dhing. Scary.

    Now I am seated here, armed with a phone in my hand and a sheepish smile on my oval face, not knowing where to start cussing CRB for being such an anticlimax in a good story!

    Don’t we all love some hot gossip!
    who the hell is Carole?
    Can you finish this storo for us sometime later in the week?
    You better do or I will incite missus to pull a chair before you and ask the same question our behalf.
    A good spin from an evil genius is what sums up the post. KCB should pay you a million for it; you managed to put the fear of the lord in me! Who on earth wants to pee blood as we chill for El Niño? Good read though. SMFH.

  42. Lol! Great piece as always.
    Okay, about the CRB, I work with one, and what guys don’t know is that the default info is sent to us by the banks; we don’t go looking for defaulters. Secondly, you can still access a loan even if you are blacklisted but only if you have gotten the clearance documents from a CRB. The default info is what is retained for 5yrs.

  43. Another classic answer is “I don’t even know why you are worried. Carol(e) isn’t even my type”
    Www.sunsetinafrica.com

  44. That was an amazing read.thoroughly enjoyed.I swear that look men get when you ask about some chic is priceless.Good to know its a universal problem.

    1. I am paying my HELB n I then got a ‘Scarely’ SMS from CRB to get to know my status. If you can kindly tell them to keep taking their share until they are done.I case i need see my status I ll look for them.

  45. I feel cheated.Who is Carole??? I repeat…who is Carole??? *Takes a bank loan to buy airtime for more bundles* Who is Carole damn it!!!!!!

  46. Timely. I printed my credit report yesterday from crystobol/Metropol. I was surprised to learn that a dormant account with a – 30 bob balance was reported. Its about 335 days overdue. That bloody account has reduced my ratings to ‘satisfactory’…yellowish on the colourful graphics, dangerously skirting red. Close dormant accounts.

  47. ‘People owing as little as 10 bob, yes, 10 bloody shillings, have been transferred to CRB and they will have you on their black list for five years and you will pee blood before any institution gives you a loan’. so true it hurtse

  48. Me ifind difficult to answer my wife so remain mum on crb infact am struggling with one now ipaid aloan in2013 but am still enlisted what do I do bree?

  49. with you on their side do they need anybody else to follow defaulters? a nice twist on carole and sorry my bank is my mattress

  50. Haha nice one Biko.My Nelson Mandela of sorts when it comes to matters writing ,I just started being more serious about my creative writing and I hope to grab that BAKE award from you soon enough.Watch this space*wink*

  51. hahahaha really??na vile nilikuwa nangoja what happens after walking out and a plot on where to dispose off your body being finalized?? anyway interesting twist and article as usual…seems there are a number of caroles in the financial world

  52. Biko, the age old question of who so and so is, has never been adequately addressed in my house.Today I actually thought it would be parmanently put to rest, but just like in Nduta’s lost and found groove in Tanzania, more suspense. Number two,had you penned this piece last week, you would have saved me much hell from CRB.

  53. been taken to CRB with the same bank. who is to blame. them. they had to take some money frm my acc and i waited for 4 months. talked to the customer care abt that n said ishakatwa tayari. took my money n after 6 months i get an email kua nadaiwa n nko crb…. sielewi mpaka leo

  54. Reading this sitting next to my wife and cringing every time she opens her mouth…I have to practice how to respond to to that “Who is Carol?” nonsense. I once thought about saying, “Didn’t she die?” but then, as you pointed out, normally she stands in that way that says “No Humour Here”.

  55. Eish! I will always say, (Jackson) Biko is the greatest writer ever! EVER! Great intro! Awesome body! Beautiful conclusion! And don’t you get me started on the twist that nobody saw coming! *scrreeeeeeeaaaaaammmmmm!!!!!*

  56. Missus: Who is Carol(e)!!!!???
    Chocolate Man: Some chic some Nigerian is looking for! He’s even done a song about finding her!!!!

  57. If the man decides to tell you, who Carol is, in gory details, and offers to take you, to meet Carol….
    What would you do????

  58. You can’t just pee along James Gichuru rd when CRB is on your neck. The chocolate empire is here, big foreheaded as usual

  59. He he he.. Tell KCB the message is well received. They owe you. I’ve jut paid 2k I borrowed for fuel 3months ago to push me to the end of the month and completely forgot about.

  60. How you do it Biko someday i’ll know. Such fluidity in transition…..you are gifted,what i wouldn’t give to write like you do

  61. Biko, great read as always. ‘i wonder what happens behind closed doors of banks.Someone should investigate what they do to those poor people in there.’
    I could take offense because I’m a banker and I smile while on phone or I could laugh because it’s a hilarious piece.
    I choose to laugh.

  62. Its end month people should clear any outstanding debts, ati hata dormant accounts affect ones crb status? Its just a concern coz I guess everyone must have one, especially the ones these sales persons from banks “force” one to open ati you just deposit a 100 bob ya kuactivate account then you just forget it from there, they risk us too

  63. Jeez Biko why do you keep doing this to me? Anyway I have a ka pending credit card bill that I really need to clear or ‘MAMA YAO aka CRB’ will kill me

  64. Waaah! Feels like i just took a ride on the roller-coster. Such an anti-climax Biko. However these loans aki will mess up so many people. Thanks for a very entertaining read…Again

  65. hahhahahhahha Biko …… really ???? really ??????? how do I grab a packet of pop corns to read drama unfolding and expect Emily to throw a stool at you and then boom read about some stupid loan story !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  66. is it JUST me or do Biko’s articles of late seem to be more like some ad or something. I read the carol/e bit and thought hmmm this sounds like something i’ve read before from Biko. when I got to the KCB bit I lost interest(no pun)completely. Did not enjoy the article this week. Sorry Biko.

  67. You know, if I’m in the middle of something such as writing and the Missus walked up to me and suddenly asked, “Who is Tamms?” I swear I would look up and blurt the first thing that comes to my head; “She’s just a friend.”…….Really Biko? hahahahahaha

  68. .Its well written piece ….Melodramatic …Mixing to Topics Money Fidelity and Moral infidelity…two topics that bulge men shoes……I felt the tension ease but suspense on such is not to be concluded with financial wisdom…..Perhaps I felt wasted for he did exactly what John Green does in his books like The fault in our stars……I read end in twisted suspense……Swear that My emotions were wasted …..curse it……But am always waiting for next writeup……Its like Masturbation…..guilt withers for more of it

  69. those annoyed about your twist on this write up are probably on CRB’s list ashana nao,.hhehehehe.,You know, if I’m in the middle of something such as writing and the Missus walked up to me and suddenly asked, “Who is Tamms?” I swear I would look up and blurt the first thing that comes to my head; “She’s just a friend.” now that killed me dead.

  70. the worst sign is when she asks you this question then actually takes a seat across from you! Oh that’s bad. That’s very bad. Bad because when she sits it means she has decided to make time for your bullshit and a woman who has decided to make time for your bullshit is a dangerous woman. >> very true.

    http://www.dkabutei.com/2015/05/we-need-to-talk-2/

  71. Hahaha the gang aren’t ready to read loans and debts hehe, regardless CRB knocked and they answered.
    Wait a mini-minute, what was that KCB/CRB guy’s name? “sijui akiang’owa”
    Hehehehehe am still rolling on the floor.

  72. Aki yawa Biko!!!! That is how you made me hold my breath with my heart skipping beats because I thought someone was about to become past tense because they knew a Carol somewhere!!! 🙂

  73. There are some people who have been denied credit because of bad info from CRB. Sometimes it’s HELB claiming they sent money (for you) to a university that you did not attend, or a bank account that you left dormant and it incurred charges long after you forgot about it. In short, go and get your free credit report – and clean up your record or pay up

  74. “Just pay your loans guys,no matter how small”
    Resigned yourself to a fate you din’t choose..only Biko can pull thos…juat friends is a myth

  75. “Just pay your loans guys,no matter how small”
    Resigned yourself to a fate you din’t choose..only Biko can pull this…just friends is a myth

  76. First of all, I am “new” to the gang, well, not really because the first piece I read from Biko was the Visa one and it was the bomb, since then I come here once in a while to read random pieces here and there, and you can tell from the first paragraph is the piece is going to be interesting, unfortunately nearly all the pieces are always interesting…so I have become a member of the gang….. and this was one of those pieces! Kudos Biko!
    On another note, I hope you saved your CRB guy’s number reason: how can common Mwananchi make use of this CRB thing? I lent someone 100k some 2 years ago and the person literally blocked me and hasn’t paid a dime, I have evidence of the bank transfer and whatsapp messages of the culprit literally begging for the money and promising to pay back (with interest), I don’t have time to take this person to court etc etc, can this CRB extend to such transactions…..just a thought…

  77. Possibly the best way of answering ‘who is Carole?’ is ‘babe I was just about to buy you a car’ and that goes for crb too…’hey! I just wrote you a cheque’

  78. I had to stop reading just to comment this…..Is that so about bankers? Ouch!! We are always trained to smile when we speak on the phone..as the person on the other end can actually feel it. We are trying so hard to shed off the stereotype of us being a bunch of stuck ups in dull suits and thick rimmed glasses…I’m hurt that we still come off that way. Look, I’m even using smilies :-):-)

  79. For sure i was debating in my head on whether or not to default on my KCB Mpesa loan. This made me pay the loan ASAP, you earned your pay Jack.

  80. That was a wicked twist in the tale Biko. Keep it up………! Now on this CRB thingy…..and I should known being a boring unsmiling banker……..it’s not that you can never get another loan in the country when you have a negative report as you seem to suggest (we bankers need to show that we know stuff) it’s just that it really, really muddies up the water whenever you apply for a loan! You get told off (in a polite way) and are asked impertinent and personal questions by the credit officer or Manager wanting to know how your name got on the list of shame. Then they drop the bombshell which may vary depending on the bank that they shall not lend you the desparately required funds or if they will you are considered a high risk and must pay a premium, or if you insist that your name is wrongly on the data base then you will be (politely) asked to obtain a letter of clearance from CRB! It’s embarrasing and wastes your time so just pay up those loans before they increase your stress levels uneccesarily…….

  81. Unbelievable. this guy is crazy. hehe. driving tge point home, before you know you are deep in his message.
    It clear dude.

  82. If this piece was called CRB i wouldnt pen, what for i don´t even live in Kenya, don´t care but not now, now everytime I come and use M-Pesa i will definitely mind about CRB and paying loans………… This is what writing is about! Point is definetly home…Charge CRB, KCB something with not less than 5 Zeros on it. P.S am a Carol.

  83. Lol, seriously Biko, this was not about Carol? You are full of surprises. This right here got me …You know, if I’m in the middle of something such as writing and the Missus walked up to me and suddenly asked, “Who is Tamms?” I swear I would look up and blurt the first thing that comes to my head; “She’s just a friend.”…

  84. Women do their homeworks and never ask questions they have no answers to… so proud to be a woman… Staying far away from defaulting, peeing blood ain’t funny

  85. I am in tears….ati “If I say no, will you guys falsify my credit history and put my name in the CRB?” My boss forwarded me the UK visa article as she was traumatised I dont know your website and now I am hooked! I hope she doesnt blame me if im here all day lol!

  86. I’m mad at myself for finding this blog this late…arrrrrgh.Where was I this whole time not to read this blog?? anyway that aside I’m trying to read all your stories but this one got my attention…Biko you’ve made me to just read an Ad when I thought it was Carole’s story.Anyway you’ve just made my day and we women are just the way you framed it all and much more