Just Tap

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There is a pair of trousers that my fundi has been fixing for me. They have been ready for two months now. He keeps calling me and texting me to go pick them up and I keep saying, “Next week,” or ‘I’m not around,” or, ‘I will send someone,” but I never do. It’s not like he’s in Naivasha or anything; he’s fifteen minutes drive away. I could walk there if I had the right shoes on. I could. But I don’t. I just keep putting it off and lying to him that I will pass by the following week but I don’t. Sometimes I convince myself that he deserves it, come on, he’s a tailor, they lie to people all the time so perhaps this is the universe teaching him his lesson, I reason.

I have also been planning to go to Diamond Plaza to fix my phone screen protector for three weeks now. It has a small crack at the edge and cracks irritate me. I feel like they can cause an infection. Harbouring Covid. I have been meaning to fix that but here we are.

I procrastinate. I put things off. It’s a condition, I’m sure. I wait for deadlines to come right up to my grill before I start tackling them. Not that I’m any busier than the next guy, but in my head I am; dreaming shit up.

So anyway, there is a Visa job that I need your help with because come on, when was the last time I came here asking for help? No, really. I rarely do. And the client isn’t very happy and now the deadline is here and they need to read something.

The brief was this.

The job is called Tap-To-Pay. Because of these Covid times, they introduced this contactless payment method where when you pay using your Visa card no one has to touch your ATM card because you never know what people use their hands for, yes, but also because of Covid. So, say you go to Shell, you fuel and then you just tap your card on their machine and the amount is transferred to the machine. You don’t have to hold their PDQ and punch in your PIN because that PDQ can be filthy a.f. Some banks also have this service on their ATMs.

That’s the job.

I need an angle…like now.

If you were a writer, what would you write about? Actually, you don’t even need to be a writer, you just need to be willing to help me with this one. There are no wrong answers.

What would you write about? What should I write about?

 

#PayWithVisa

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36 Comments
  1. A slay queen like me tapping away with her Sponsor’s ATM…. I happen to be very educated with a well paying job but there is some perverse pleasure in using (APC) another persons cash without a care in the world. I even purchased butt implants once and now my housegirl wears them to go to church on Sunday ( poor Pastor)
    My nephew wants xmas gifts so I am going on another spree soon., lets see what i rock home with.

    100
  2. I would look at that tap as a door bell, a single touch and you have a million posdibilities, or i would talk about the friendzone, a place where you get what you want but they don’t get too close for comfort,,,,okay I am rumbling. Bye

    4
  3. So this day I visited this club in westy and at some point I had to go to the gents to do what Men do in the gents….no lady stuff here.
    So in the gents I bump on my pal Freddie..yes Freddie not him of fresh Freddie or whatever that was then but Freddie my pal,the guy who weighs like 100tonnes and can pull a landrover stuck in kiambu mad using his bare hands…Anyway I do my thing and Freddie does his thing.I hit the sink but Freddie stands there and continues with the conversation like nothing happened.
    Anyway am done and we back on our table and just then Mercy with the big smile delivers our Nyama,yes we had this Nyama coming from Kamande.You know Kamande right? Who doesn’t know Kamande butchery guy who makes choma just the way you like it?
    Anyway Freddie dips in and I remember &%$# guy was just standing there as I washed my hands in the gents after we did our thing.
    As I am about to bounce…..yes bounce am meeting the other crew in the other side of town as they don’t like this side of Uhuru highway I smile at Mercy nodding that she brings my bill and PDQ (PDQ is that thing they use to swipe cards….donge)
    Freddie who also happen to have a bill ..the round he bought when I pulled him to our table…..its always good manners to ” return hand” also requests for his bill
    Mercy I think due to fear of this big Freddie guy decides to first clear with him before coming to me.Maybe Freddie never tips her.
    Anyway Freddie pulls his card which Mercy inserts in the PDQ punches some numbers and hands over to Freddie. With the transaction complete smiling Mercy approaches me,that’s when I remember Freddie did his thing…….ate my choma and at no point did water come in contact with his hands.
    I rush back to the gents to throw up……….I think its the whisky that has gotten into me

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  4. Girls of course
    …. and how they should adopt a more de-personalized view of love’s entitlements, and protect themselves from relationship disillusionment by unabashedly proclaiming that attraction is predictably fleeting and should be completely enjoyed as the momentary pleasure it is only meant to be. Tap & Go

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  5. Contactless payment is what made a pickpocket think that Christmas had come early. By the time I’d realized I’d been robbed, and called the bank to block my card, dude had already tapped shopping worth 47,60 euro twice. So contactless payment may be convenient and hygienic in these times, but there are downsides to it when your card falls into the wrong hands.

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    1. That’s the first thing that came to my mind the first time I heard about tap n pay from Churchill. Anyone can use your card since no pin is required.

      3
  6. the year has changed. All the normal things are no longer normal. Covid has made the close African way of life to be considered abnormal. You can get it by touching or breathing which scares the hell out of many of us. Handling the papers with Kenyatta head when paying for the wide array of bills is now frowned on. But then Visa always covers our back; just tap and you are your way safely!

    1
  7. Contactless payment is great, convenient but for large amounts they still ask you to put in the card for pin verification. Secondly, there’s a risk of theft. Some smart people in SA made some machines which they can tap to your walker and voila, your money is gone.. So it became prudent to put your contact activated cards in an aluminium casing.
    Your welcome..
    My book?

    2
  8. I hate dreams that i can’t remember, it reminds me of the last meal i had in high school. For the life in me, i can’t remember the meal, or the color of the plate. I would hire a shrink to help me, or finally get married so that my husband would tell me about my dreams. I suspect i dream loudly.

    I dream falling in to a pit, but i cant remember landing, hard or soft. But i can guess that i fall really hard, because come on!, this life is not my Mommy.

    Other times i dream that i am sitting for exams that i am not ready for, and i am doing them at a burial, of someone i don’t know. I walk slowly to the coffin, and i always wake up before i see who is dead. I sometimes imagine i am the one in that coffin.

    Other times i dream of boys, cute boys, bald boys, chocolate boys, but NEVER white. I love my coffee black and strong. This are my favorite dreams. They make me sing Hallelujah. I have dreamt of everything in this world, except hell. May be today i will dream of hell, now that i have thought of it. They say you dream what you think. I have dreamt of Lucifer though, not satan, Netflix! That butt is cute as hell.

    I hope that one day someone will develop an app, that helps you to remember your dreams. You just wake up, TAP AND GO as too listen away………(Biko, you can finish, i am hungry).

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  9. Peter Wesh.. Tushy… weyayu? Uncle Biko needs help! Has Joe Black tried it? Eddy Ashioya weya?

    On second thought just remembered how you delivered the CRB story.. this can’t be any less..

    6
  10. 5th missed call. This workout addiction is overreacting. You were to pick your pops at 8.30am, rush him to hospital to his last eye procedure; he was almost losing his eyes. You called mum last night, just to remind her to keep time. She is African so 8 will work. You’ll still go at 8.30 and there is hair still uncombed, teeth unbrushed, and dad’s shoes unpolished. You help do what you can and at 9.00am, she will still forget her handbag.

    How time flew at the gym, you don’t know. Really, the plan was to run at the treadmill for 20minutes, 2reps of lower body and off you leave. Alvin your workout buddy comes and you start taking on challenges, psyche each other and times runs and runs and then flies. Your phone is at the gym bag in the shelf. As you wind up with a plank, the watch stares at you. It’s 8.43.

    Oh father! You rush to the bathroom and take a passport bath. You don’t iron the shirt. You forget your specs and as the receptionist hands you the phone, the missed calls from mum takes you on a guilty trip. You can as well start cooking a story. No way your mother can buy a gym addiction story. She thinks you look poor and unaccomplished for looking lean. She wishes you had a belly, it’s a sign of money in her head.

    You run down the stairs. You may wait too long at the lift. Two steps in and the receptionist calls your name. You look mark. The hurry mix may have made you forget to put trousers on. No, she needs you to pay the month’s subscription. It expired the day before and you seem to assume. Her eyes explains that you have to pay or her employer slices her salary. I remove my card, inserts pin and mom calls again. I run down the stairs, and speed home. I don’t explain much. We get to hospital and the first thing is we need to pay the procedure fee. I dig in my wallet and forgive me mother, we have to wait longer. Card is at the gym. She gets to know what got me late anyway.

    You see, with the Tap-to-Pay you must not give your card. You’ll avoid running down stairs for the fear that someone transferred your money when you forgot your card. Your heart needs better reason to skip faster . Your card will be personal; like an underwear, it’s yours for touching and keeping.

    11
  11. 5th missed call. This workout addiction is overreacting. You were to pick your pops at 8.30am, rush him to hospital for his last eye procedure; he was almost losing his eyes. You called mum last night, just to remind her to keep time. She is African so 8 will work. You’ll still go at 8.30 and there is hair still uncombed, teeth unbrushed, and dad’s shoes unpolished. You help do what you can and at 9.00am, she will still forget her handbag.

    How time flew at the gym, you don’t know. Really, the plan was to run at the treadmill for 20minutes, 2reps of lower body and off you leave. Alvin your workout buddy comes and you start taking on challenges, psyche each other and times runs and runs and then flies. Your phone is at the gym bag in the shelf. As you wind up with a plank, the watch stares at you. It’s 8.43.

    Oh father! You rush to the bathroom and take a passport bath. You don’t iron the shirt. You forget your specs and as the receptionist hands you the phone, the missed calls from mum takes you on a guilty trip. You can as well start cooking a story. No way your mother can buy a gym addiction story. She thinks you look poor and unaccomplished for looking lean. She wishes you had a belly, it’s a sign of money in her head.

    You run down the stairs. You may wait too long at the lift. Two steps in and the receptionist calls your name. You look back. The hurry mix may have made you forget to put trousers on. No, she needs you to pay the month’s subscription. It expired the day before and you seem to assume. Her eyes explains that you have to pay or her employer slices her salary. I remove my card, inserts pin and mom calls again. I run down the stairs, and speed home. I don’t explain much. We get to hospital and the first thing is we need to pay the procedure fee. I dig in my wallet and forgive me mother, we have to wait longer. Card is at the gym. She gets to know what got me late after all.

    You see, with the Tap-to-Pay you must not give your card. You’ll avoid running down stairs for the fear that someone transferred your money when you forgot your card. Your heart needs better reasons to skip faster. Your card will be personal; like an underwear, it’s yours for touching and keeping.

    2
  12. Hi Chocolate Man,

    I am no writer, but if I were you I would dream up the use of Tap-to-Pay in the public transport system, especially because Visa have hooked up with Safaricom MPesa to issue a card. And the authorities are also looking to move PSV [matatus] fares to cashless. There is a mass market application right there.

    Hope that helps.

    2
  13. Oooiii.
    I read this post a while back and I’ve been thinking about it and I’m afraid I can’t help you Biko. I’m sorry.
    I think this is one of those days where I take a sit and read other people’s angles cos I’m angle less for now

    PS: I didn’t know what a PDQ is. Nimejua leo. Thank you for educating this village girl uncle Biko. (I see we are now calling you Uncle Biko. Haha!)

    5
  14. Tap – Done – Gone …. Easy!

    At last! A card that saves me the embarrassment of admitting to the whole world (at least to those behind me in the queue) that I’ve forgotten my PIN. You know – THAT person ….. Yep … me.

    Tap – Done – Gone.

    Everything about 21st century transactions is a constant reminder that my mind isn’t as great as it used to be and my number retaining capacity is diminished.  Heck … I can barely remember my age. My brain muscles are wasted from Facebook reminding me of birthdays and anniversaries, Google maps dropping me pins, Siri answering my questions. I don’t even know my own phone number.

    So when Visa comes along with Tap-To-Pay ….all I can say is Hallelujah!

    Tap – Done – Gone …. Easy!

    One less number to remember. Space freed up for ….. whatever. And I’m not going to remind you that we are in the middle of a pandemic. At the petrol station I don’t have to roll down my window to speak to John whose mask is round his chin. Protecting his beard. I don’t have to hold a germ-ridden PDQ (held in a well ‘travelled’ hand) and punch in a PIN that I barely remember.

    Tap-To-Pay will make my life a lot easier …. and safer in the age of Covid-19. Do I have to mention how fast the queue moves?

    Now, we know that Kenyans are smart enterprising people, and there will be those folks plotting their own version of Gone – Done -Tap, to ease the financial burden (thanks Eddie) on my account. No worries …. those clever people at Visa are miles ahead. Tap-To-Pay is secure. It has ………… (I have no idea ……).

     IHappy Jamhuri day.

    6
  15. Imagine if we were to tap for oxygen n go, or if the blood that circulates in our body was to run low n we must replenish it, like we do car fuel, how many of us would still be alive?
    2020 may have messed us up but we are well n alive, there are pple in worse situations!
    Cheers!

    2
  16. A kid who can barely pronounce her name properly announcing to the 9pm world how thin I am. She presses my left rib, right where I lent Eve’s rib and exclaims, “Na hapa ni straight ma! Wewe unakula kweli yawa?” I know Narobi has wrung my flesh generously while I was trying to get a life for myself but hey, it’s Christmas, the fattening season. Just a few more days, I’ll be thick again. That’s why I’m home. But the honesty and innocence with which she said it got me right.

    2
  17. In the early 90’s tapping meant you got some.. You could start by going like who did you last tap? Where did you last tap

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  18. Tap and pay is not like Open the tap and water comes out.
    There are still serious security protocols lurking along with the Tap and Pay to avoid Tap and Lose!
    Tap and pay But remain safer and securer.

  19. You know it can be rude to tap a chica ass if said chic is not an acquaintance say wifey acquaintance…well also reactions vary if acquaintance of a cocktail chic…or the nyama choma seller where you are regular patrone”…..well my perverted mind digresses. Well from tapping can do things more than a “smile or slap”…..

  20. You know it can be rude to tap a chica ass if said chic is not an acquaintance say wifey acquaintance…well also reactions vary if acquaintance of a cocktail chic…or the nyama choma seller where you are regular patrone”…..well my perverted mind digresses. Well from tapping can do things more than a “smile or slap”…..

  21. Contactless
    Love makes the world go around, and I do not mean the type where people join their index fingers and thumbs to form the symbol of the heart and then beam the fallacy on instagram. No, Sir!
    That hardly shows any affection. The love that really moves the great cogs that make planet Earth revolve on its own axis causing days and glorious nights is physical. Mothers kissing babies, total strangers hugging during a football match….
    You see, it’s physical all the way. People touching, feeling each other and leaving sweet sensations on the skin of their loved ones.
    Thanks God for his mercy that the skin happens to be the biggest organ, facilitating the touching and caressing that goes on to make love the greatest feeling of all. But then here be the clincher, the pandemic is amongst us.
    Fondling has been declared hazardous. Embracing is an anomaly with advisories all over against the menace.
    Quangos are mushrooming all over the place sensitizing the public against expressing affection through physical manipulation. This is hardly the golden age of love.
    Social distancing! Keep your hands to yourself! Respect your time zone!
    Better safe than sorry they say. What’s the point of dispensing pecks while in actual fact you could be betraying their health with your kiss?
    But after all is said and done, life goes on. This bug lurks in matatus and lifts and all those other public places we are exposed to during our daily hustle.
    We have a responsibility to sanitize at every turn. And in the evening when we finally get home, how sure are we that Mama Mboga’s veggies have been sufficiently disinfected?
    The meat wrappers, can we bet they have been decontaminated, knowing their expedition through the back of the press truck to the dentist’s office (the den of viruses) and finally around your meat.
    Ths most virulent strain of COVID is said to be no respecter of power either. It has marked presence in palaces, royal residences, court houses and even high end hotels.
    All that translates to the fact that your bank as well isn’t a safe house. So it turns out that accessing your money has become a risky affair.
    Banks may have elaborate measures to ensure strict compliance with COVID related requirements. With signs all over regarding distancing, insisting that you keep you mask on at all times but still the operation of taking the pen on a leash to sign your cheque at the tellers might be your undoing.
    A clown who was standing in the queue before you might just be from a performance in a CORONA infested home. The slayqueen before him is girlfriend to a mortician who deals in the ravaged lungs of victims of the pandemic.
    What this translates to is we are not safe anywhere, unless of course, our contact with anything public is reduced to the minimum.
    When matters get this serious, when no one is accusing anyone as we might all be the villain who spreads the disease, when even tellers, resplendent in their suits and ties are also the suspect, visa card has introduced the no contact ATM card.
    You never have to hand over this baby to anyone. Just tap it t their machine and Voila! Your transaction goes through, just like that.
    No unnecessary touching anything, just tap and you are good to go.
    As for love, staying alive for those who care for you is the true measure of love. So keep safe, go contactless visa Card.
    JUST TAP

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  22. The year is 3030. All realms: heaven,earth and hell are one. So St. Peter(formerly) having worked with God on projects such as giving people second chances in life, operates a life refill kibanda. He’s the peddy in case one feels they are running out of time on earth. Of course it comes at a fee,as all businesses do but no one knows what is asked of as the payment. The belief is that those big rings that that all pope’s have, he has one. Instead of kissing it,he hits you on the forehead and just like that,you are added a couple of tokens. If you happen to find him in his best of moods, a rarity because after all he’s a fugitive,he employs the tap. You know,like the Visa tap-to-pay system. For the newbies, this is a PINless system to pay your bills that minimises contact with other people’s gadgets.