Let Us Obsess, Yawa!

   118    
2

I know how to turn on my Bluetooth. But ask me to play a Youtube video from my phone to my smart TV (because what other TV can you have in 2015?) and I will draw a blank. I can’t tinker with a phone. I have an Iphone 6 and with no single song in my itunes. icloud? The hell is that? I use my phone for calls, Whatsapp, M-Pesa, SMS, social media and to stalk Toni Braxton. I don’t get attached to phones. I don’t get attached to anything really. Apart from Toni.

But there are guys who swear by gadgets. Gadget boys. I don’t understand the obsession. This itch that you have to get the latest and the best. That you have to talk Bytes and Megabytes. The only bite I want to…Aw, forget it.

For the longest time I have been looking for a guy to write about technology and gadgets and all that convoluted stuff. But not in that geeky way. In a fresh fun way that can’t alienate the girl at the back. (That’s you Francis).

To find him I had to climb onto a donkey and go through ragged hills, sleep in a cave and rub two sticks together to make fire to keep warm enough to proceed the journey the next day at dawn and finally find him in a cave where gadget boy spend their free time. There we had numerous sessions on how I like him to write about gadgets.

But I found him. Hanafi Kaka. That’s his name. His name sounds like a tool that can jimmy a door. Something you keep in your glove compartment of your car. Something you can’t let your child play with.

Gang, meet the wizard of Coast, Hanafi Boy

Hanafi, put down the blunt for a second and jump in.

***

I don’t know much about Steve Jobs. But I’ve heard he was this hairless guy with an ego bigger than his genius and he only ate apples picked by virgins under moonlight. That his house had no furniture because no carpenter in the world could ever meet up to his standards of perfection. Oh, and he was also the guy who came up with the iPad, but he never obsessed with the tech as we do; spooning with our newly bought Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge Plus and serenading Xbox and PS4 console pads. The guy did not care that Bose earphones were the best in the business or that the Chinese would soon be selling us phones with names too complicated to say right. Huwawaweiyi and whatevers. Yet here we are, his spawn, hawking our eyebrows for drones and Mac Book Airs.

And I know this obsession with gadgets can be intoxicating. But it’s necessary. Because we are gentlemen (and ladies) and we don’t compromise with this shit. We don’t stick to version 9.0 when 9.0 and a half is out. I mean, come on, what are we without our gadgets? And before all the ladies start fanning their faces with their hands going all Mmhmm! That’s what I’m talking about, let’s just be clear I’m referring to the PG 13 kind of gadgets. Bose earphones. Beats by Dre Pills. High Definition drones and the kind of gadgets mommy said girls will only share with us if we buy them wings at KFC.

We don’t carry around our secret Christian Dior clutch purses and fat shoulder bags. We leave those on the shelves at Mr. Price because we don’t want to lose our wives. So obviously we only have room for a phone and maybe a smart watch. If we take it a bit further it would be a pair of Google Glasses hanging from the nose, just because we can, right? Which is often for a quick Instagram selfie.

The kind of gadget you wield introduces you as a man, you know. A black leather whip says you’ve read Fifty Shades and you think you rule the world somewhere between your ears. A pink power bank says your wife decides what briefs you wear. Walking around in Google Glasses only proves you’ve gone mental, unless of course you accessorize it with a chilled martini cocktail in your hand. Shaken, not stirred. Then you’re half way into being a bona fide gentleman. It’s a guy thing, ladies. You wouldn’t understand.

We love them light, sleek, and black. Or white if you are of those guys who sip hot coffee with your teeth first. When it comes to size, we go for the ones wide enough to accommodate our well-fed sausage fingers, because we don’t want to type the wrong things to the maid, who will tell the neighbour’s maid who will tell her boss who will tell your wife. And she will leave with your dog.

But then again, gadgets too big to fit in the pocket are a NO-NO unless they stay in the office, the house or if you have one of those magical bags Hermione Granger had. For most men, losing our minds on gadgets and the latest tech is a matter of principle. There’s an undiscovered science to it. We are obsessed with and possessive of our gadgets (PG 13, ahem!).

I remember my first ever gadget to own. You always remember your first, you know how these things go. I was twelve and my mother had just bought me one of those Walkman CD players with spongy earphones. Me and my Enrique Iglesias induced queer dancing dropped it one day and it could only work if you kept it slightly away from you. It came to be known as The Don’t Touch Me because while it played, you couldn’t touch it or it would go off. I became the most popular kid in the neighborhood, man. And I charged twenty shillings for every song the other kids listened to on my Walkman. Then trouble fell from the sky when one kid nicked five hundred shillings from his mom’s purse to listen to all the Enrique Iglesias albums my mother had bought me. His mother found out. And after mercilessly flogging her son, she was at my house going all mental on my mother for raising a conman. Haiya! She wanted my gadget destroyed for corrupting the other kids. And my mother agreed. Not while I breathed. I wrapped the thing in a fine Marlboro nylon and buried it in a hole behind the house for a whole week until they had forgotten all about it. So on the night of the extraction, I dag it out cautiously. And there it was, glowing with beaming heavenly rays at my face. My Preeeeeehhhhhciuossssssss!

Maybe someday a scientist crazy enough to look into it will discover that men have a bug buried under our brains that gnaws us when we can’t keep up with annual iPhone releases as fast as we stain our collars keeping up with every skirt that passes by. And they will name it La Bugarisia Gadgetica de Hombres, The Gadget Bug of Men. I imagine a missus yelling at her husband: “Kimani! You’ve spent 17,000 on earphones na wathotho hawajakura runch!” and Kimani is shrinking in the couch like a scared little thing because his wife is from Nyeri. And he says: “Erewa thu, my sugar. I’m a man. I have that Bugarisia Gadgetica de Hombres. Ni hivyo thu!” Or maybe they shouldn’t discover it, Nyeri women will open up our skulls and pull it out.

Then what? We stop loving Whisky, boobs stop being sexy and we start patting other people’s dogs along the road? Let us obsess, bwana!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

118 Comments
    1. Yeah!! This thing in our heads ryt? Like the “nothing” box inside our heads, never heard of it? no? Well, its just that ^ de……

  1. Mr. Zulu, this was a good read. Especially for the girl at the back. Good Writing Mr. Kaka. His name sounds like a cross breed of something Japanese and something Coastal… 🙂

  2. I just had to leave the article midway to gush over the fact that you are the only writer i’ve come accross who has actually referenced Hermione Granger! Thankyou for validating my weirdess (lovely article so far btw, wacha nirudi kusoma!)

  3. Now I know which earphones to go for…. thanks for the lesson without us having to dozz off our desks..hahaha big phones for big sausage fingers hehehehehe

  4. This post got me excited. I’m a gadget freak! Rubbed off from my JS.
    Die hard Team Apple . I know how to play my movies /series from my Apple TV to my Telly biko.. I can teach you. 🙂 So much you can do with your iPhone 6. You do not need a notebook or diary ever for your interviews……welcome Hanafi Kaka

    1. Ni Mswahili. The thu comes with a kibokoni accent kinda like saying kahawa thungu, Hanafi probably did realize his accent came through in his writing…
      Oya Kaka! lazma goa mwanangu!

  5. Walking around in Google Glasses only proves you’ve gone mental, unless of course you accessorize it with a chilled martini cocktail in your hand. Shaken, not stirred. Then you’re half way into being a bona fide gentleman. It’s a guy thing, ladies. You wouldn’t understand……that i get. what i will confess i had mixed up is that mac book airs are laptops, I thought they were Air Jordans but hey….

  6. Did I imagine the innuendos? 😀 love you Kaka -your writing that is. I’m going to call you Kaka for that Nyeri women thing heheee….

      1. Actually i don’t…there’s this distinctive thing Biko has going on that Hanafi didn’t bring out for me…maybe its familiarity, i don’t know but i just know this was not one of Biko’s write ups…plus it’d just be lame to give cred to someone else if you’re doing the work, right? on the same note, Kaka is good…looking forward to more of his pieces…for a coastarian, dude can write 🙂 no shade.

  7. Awesome read. This one will make us women (and you too Biko) to understand gadgets. 😉 I mean, with such words, how will you not understand?

  8. “…..We don’t carry around our secret
    Christian Dior clutch purses and fat
    shoulder bags. We leave those on the
    shelves at Mr. Price because we don’t
    want to lose our wives….”
    hehehe
    loving you already hanafi kaka

  9. hahah Biko you’re spoiling us mad. Spoiling us is what you’re doing… Not complaining though. Bring them on… we’ll read.

  10. Hilarious.., “When it comes to size, we go for the ones wide enough to accommodate our well-fed sausage fingers, because we don’t want to type the wrong things to the maid, who will tell the neighbour’s maid who will tell her boss who will tell your wife. And she will leave with your dog.”

  11. Id have sworn i was reading Biko untill the references to Harry Potter and Lord of the rings. Kaka is great but id prefer to call him Kaka Lisp coz no kuyu would say ‘wathotho’ or ‘thu’ #smh hehe. Awesome read

  12. Hahahaaa!!! Hanafi Kaka! Hermione Granger bag! What!!! This right here is dope stuff Biko! More and more of this daily doze and I’ll be overflowing with spasms of joy, your words zinavutia yaani, naskia tu kuendelea kusoma without ceasing!!!

  13. It all started with a trip to TZ, then goats were slaughtered and cooked and now the obsession with big gadgets!! OH MY! Wamaii! Its smokiiiiiiiiiiing (Insert Keff Joinyambe’s voice)

  14. Biko you sure know how to pick ’em!

    Karibu Hanafi… nice read. They best find it and extract it cause I might have La Bugarisia Gadgetica de Hombres for sure! As I read this I am discussing which HTC phone suits my needs (Dual SIM, Runs Androis 5.1, 16GB Internal Storage, SD Card up to 2T, 13 megapixel rear camera) and my price (very low) with my version of the phone “fendi” guy.

    1. Wambui, I got an HTC one, 620G I think they call it.. and it’s starting to really slow down. Only two weeks old too. Any ‘fendi’ phone guys you know of who can help? My vendor was of no help at all.

  15. Where the hell did this come from “We love them light, sleek, and black. Or white if you are of those guys who sip hot coffee with your teeth first. When it comes to size, we go for the ones wide enough to accommodate our well-fed sausage fingers, because we don’t want to type the wrong things to the maid, who will tell the neighbour’s maid who will tell her boss who will tell your wife. And she will leave with your dog.”

  16. Alala Biko am so consoled.’I use my phone for calls, Whatsapp, M-Pesa, SMS, social media and to stalk Toni Braxton.’ Sounds like me and my mum less the stalking of Toni

  17. This is a very interesting piece Kaka. Quick one, how does one seep coffee with their teeth first? That one got me laughing like crazy. Whoa!

  18. My first gadget was donkey kong and yes i ruled my small dynasty till my
    neighbor had his silver BMX bicycle,then the fools deserted me.
    for now its my Sony home theater linked to my sony xperia on wireless to stream live movies and live football.

  19. “…When it comes to size, we go for the ones wide enough to accommodate our well-fed sausage fingers…” well articulated there! welcome to the Gang, Hanafi

  20. Let us obsess.I suspect gadgets can be a tricky subject for a good number of members in this room. most of them carry a sleek one because they heard it is the in thing and, just like Biko, go ahead to use them for the very basic functions like making calls, receiving calls, M-pesa, checking the time and date.. oh! and the alarm. They avoid the “smart” part of the gadget like a plague because they might end up spending their hard-earned 2k at the self-trained “Fundi wa Simu’s after misplacing all their contacts plus important files in their smart-phones .
    Now this guy here, with a name like that of a tool is gonna teach us this gadget stuff. Nice writing. it is never easy to be humorous when talking about electronics, because they sound like physics (most of us never sat in the same room with physics). but this man Hanafi Kaka has slayed it. I like his name too. It sounds like that of a person from a place like “Dunga Unuse” down at the coast..hehehe. keep it coming man.

  21. Hanafi. I like him already. Thanks a ton for clearing up the Bose debate. Some people actually believe there is better audio equipment out there. So…when are you writing next?

  22. This guy is hilarious, that’s given……but when you said he was gonna write abt gudgets,I expected details!Copious details!
    Sadly all he did was NAME them.I feel like he wrote this article in a room that was actually falling from the sky at terminal velocity and he had all these cool/funny lines and had only a few minutes before hitting the ground to write the whole thing and deploy the parachute in that order.

  23. Biko, you should talk about girls who own and obsess about the latest gadgets as well.. We are quite a number I believe. Good read though.

  24. “We love them light, sleek, and black. Or white if you are of those guys who sip hot coffee with your teeth first. When it comes to size, we go for the ones wide enough to accommodate our well-fed sausage fingers wololo … thought it was some woman! Akiaooh! would like the apples picked by virgins ;)Allowed to obsess!

  25. My Walkman CD player was held together with sellotape, cause after it fell it couldn’t shut anymore. Goodtimes!

  26. “To find him I had to climb onto a donkey and go through ragged hills, sleep in a cave and rub two sticks together to make fire to keep warm enough to proceed the journey the next day at dawn and finally find him in a cave where gadget boy spend their free time.” Edit this please.

  27. definitely a keeper!!!SO funny, was glad I put the book am currently reading aside(wild -Cheryl strayed. Such a good read). to read this. You took me back to my Walkman days. I had a beloved Sony Walkman.it was my third limb. Gift from dad when I was 13 I think. Got stolen. I still mourn. But I eventually got off the techy bandwagon. You just can’t keep up with this shit. But yeah we can still obsess over it though.

  28. Great post, i must admit that i’m also an apple fan boy and steve jobs was a genius.I love my gadgets pretty much and i agree with you on the fact that you can tell a lot from the gadgets a man has.

  29. Any man with ‘La Bugarissia Gadgetica de Hombres’does not pat other people’s dogs on the streets. They let women do it. Unless they posses no ‘Nothing Box’ in their head like normal men.