Life is a Lotto

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A physically challenged man has won 3.2 Million shillings in the Lotto. He repairs appliances in a roadside Kiosk in Siaya. He has six kids. Christmas isn’t going to be the same. Actually, life isn’t. There is a little fact that he participated in the draw using his wife’s phone. Who said Lady Luck isn’t a woman?

We asked Joe Black, back in Kitui’s majengo what he thinks of luck and fate and stuff.

By Joe Black, Resident Troublemaker

I am not a big believer in luck, or the universe’s benevolence. I’m not one your take-a-dip-into-the-ocean-the-tide-will-wash-you-to-a-deserted -island type of people. If you jump into the ocean, you’ll just plain old snuff it. The sea won’t be swayed by your Italian loafers, or your upcoming Dubai vacation. And if you do happen to be washed to the deserted island, you’ll most definitely not invent a boat that runs on coconut oil.

The damning truth about the universe is that it doesn’t like you.

But sometimes, as life is wont to do, I’ve had this theory challenged. Something so amazing, so out of place, so false-sounding happens and there are no other reasonable explanations.  Luck, fate, will of God. Depending on how you look at it, these three surpass and overlap each other at every instance. And it all alludes to the universe’s benevolence. That there’s something out there, beyond our comprehension, running the cogs of our lives, paddling our boats and watching out for the rocks – a lighthouse, a guide, God.

Let me get to my point before you start thinking I’m some deep, philosophical chap who says stuff like ‘ it’s an old car born new’ who, to ward western influence, puts on akala and designs his own clothes that mostly look like dresses, spotted African print sacks. I’ll be twenty soon-  5’9, goatee, responsibility, confusion and then some more. It’s a bumpy transition. I see it well with my friends, especially ones I went to school with. Most are now in campus and whenever I bump into one of them, in their khakis and long sleeved shirts, they always start most of the sentences with ‘life in campo is…” and their stories are about this weekend plan  they have with their new campo chicks and friends you’d think it snows food and rains drink. It’s as if they feel your life is some dreary dark cave that must be lit by their campo anecdotes. And woe unto you if you don’t know what they mean by 1.2 because 1.2 can’t be just any other number, it can’t be a reading of the Richter scale, it can’t be Germany’s fertility rate, or what’s left of the Eurobond. It has to be the first year, second semester.

The story of Cleopas Were is one such instance. When you undergo such a radical paradigm shift you disbelieve all the tenets you once held on. Mr Were’s biography is, well, brief. A family man from Siaya in his late forties, working from a stall where he fixes broken appliances, disabled, living with six children. Here is the clincher: he’s Lotto’s biggest winner, having recently won; wait for it, a whooping 3.2 million so that radically changes the dynamics because no millionaire’s biography falls under brief is there?

I don’t know about you, don’t if you handle mega accounts bursting at the seams and thus 3.2 milli to you is pocket change. With 3.2 milli, I’d make a carpet entirely out of currency  For shits and giggles, I’ll even officially change my name to Jose Negron so as to give the eye to the idiots who’ll wonder why on both hell and earth I have a Spanish name and an earthenware complexion; wouldn’t it make sense to abide by Tom Osanjo’s suggestion- Joe Ratieng?

Admittedly, I’ve been thinking a lot about Cleo. I mean, what are the odds? Did the rules of luck bend a little toward him because, I mean, many of these lotteries are won by people who are not in dire need of cash, people to whom it be of a gift and will most likely be splurged on superficial, nouveau riche needs like Russian strippers, or the SGR.

I’ve been thinking what he will do with the money. I’m still thinking about it.

Here is how to get involved with the Lotto. I’m told there is a 100 million Jackpot this Wednesday.

To Play via MPESA 

Choose the Lipa na M-PESA option from the MPESA menu and send at least KSh 50 to PayBill Business Number 777000, with account number SHINDA to receive your lucky numbers.

To play ONLINE 

Go to www.mylotto.co.ke/shinda register and pick you numbers

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59 Comments
  1. ” And if you do happen to be washed to the deserted island, you’ll most definitely not invent a boat that runs on coconut oil”
    Hehehe…very funny.
    I love you Joe Black! You are Quite something

  2. whether it was a can he opened or a bottle he broke it was not worms nor genie that came out but a cool 3.2mthat came out to make this xmas day and all other days cool to mzee were from siays?and joe?well joe will always be joe a chip of the old bloke.just like biko philosophically ccol

  3. Hahahahahaha! Now that you have accepted it is official, you are Joe Rateng and thanks for the nice read as usual. By the way is there a T.Tot Hotel in Kitui? I just so loove the Machakos one with their blanketi size chapati and an adult tortoise size samosa. If there is one holla I will pass by we break bread my man!

  4. no wonder am looked at funny when i ask uko 2nd year 2nd sem….so its 2.2…and the way i used to intimidate village cousins with the word ‘sem’…’you are in which term in unibasity?’ ‘ it’s not term.. am in 3rd sem’ ‘Sem?sem odhiambo our jirani ama?’ ‘Noo i meant semester not shem’

  5. That there’s something out there, beyond our comprehension, running the cogs of our lives, paddling our boats and watching out for the rocks – a lighthouse, a guide, God…believe it Joe! Welcome back.

  6. And if you do happen to be washed to the deserted
    island, you’ll most definitely not invent a boat
    that runs on coconut oil…Very funny.I totally
    enjoyed this one.Ripe talent here. Biko lets have
    more from Joe. Out of curiosity ,what
    do you believe in? a powerful being who lives beyond
    the skies or what?

  7. “And woe unto you if you don’t know what they mean by 1.2 because 1.2 can’t be just any other number, it can’t be Germany’s fertility rate..” am still dead after this one..

  8. “If you jump into the ocean, you’ll just plain old snuff it.” hehehe Such pessimism. Amazing read though Joe. You got talent kid.

  9. Being able to make enemies explode or catch on fire with
    a critical hit is fairly nice. There should be no compromise on the quality of the work which is precisely why professional Las
    Vegas painters have to be hired. While you’re at X-2, go ahead and
    get the tape for the Toaster.

  10. Smh! Si now what happened is i’ve overlooked this post for weeks thinking it is one of them other guest writers. If i’d known it’s you Joe i’d have read it immediately.

    Anyway,you never dissapoint,your turn of phrase is amazeballs and humor’s off the charts.

    Keep writing often and frequently….Biko you hear that?

  11. Wow. Just wow…a teenager wrote this…there’s still hope yet for the millenials….excellent flowing piece…Biko, More pieces from Joe for 2016