Man Flu

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I have Man Flu. But before that I had a stomach bug. I fought the stomach bug with Metronidazole and I was winning the fight, we were really killin those buggers called Giardia lamblia, knocking them over their heads until the Man Flu joined the fight. And it came with an arsenal, a litany of aches and pains. It blocked my nose and it punched me in the already sore gut. You don’t want to fall sick on a mountain. 

How I ended up ill in the mountain was that I decided that my life this year wasn’t going according to plan. The ducks aren’t standing in a line. So I went up the mountain, but not like Moses, just like me. To draw a plan. Read a book. Think things over. Be an adult. I went to this log cabin in Mt Kenya called Castle Forest Lodge. Last I was there was 2008. I carried my antibiotics with me, ugly pellets that taste like dying roots. There is an actual castle there which the Queen visited sometime back when she was still a girl. It’s all very simple; cabin, fireplace, a mirror, a bed, bathroom and a door. There are small windows but you never open them because of the cold. Because it’s at the foot of Mt Kenya it’s all very cold. The grass is the kind of green you see in cartoons. Like Teletubbies. It’s all quaint. There are horses on a grassy hill, feeding. In the evenings you will see smoke snaking from a chimney. There is an old and deaf Labrador that constantly basks in the meadow. Well, technically it’s not a meadow but I choose to call it a meadow. The dog looked sad. All his family members are dead. She’s the last one remaining. She made me sad. Whenever I rubbed her neck she’d look up at me with these sad dog eyes. I have been meaning to get a dog. A Golden retriever but Danzo, my dog whisperer, thinks it’s a terrible idea seeing as I live in an apartment. “It will only stress the dog. Plus housebreaking will not take longer than five months.” Well, that’s shelved for now then. 

If you want to die, take alcohol with Metronidazole. So I didn’t have any to drink at the mountain. Which was very sad because you need a whisky in that cold and pretend you are in the Baltics. However at nightagainst my better judgementI smoked a blunt. When I woke up my throat was rubbish. I gargled salty water, dropped some antihistamine down my throat and waited it out. Now I have a full-blown Man Flu. Of course I’m dying. I’m a man. We all die from Man Flu. 

Let me recover [writes this with a whisper]. I shall see you guys next week. 

No mischief while I’m gone. Also, no, don’t share another dawa recipe. The world doesn’t need it. What we need is love. 

Shalom. 

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Meanwhile, you can get a copy of my books DRUNK or THURSDAYS,  HERE.

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59 Comments
  1. So we just brush off that form 3 girl like that…

    Remember her? The one all girls in school agree is Tamms look-alike..

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  2. chop an onion and drop in hot water and drink….basically purple onion tea.. 0r chop onion and tie them on yr nose….thank me later

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  3. The man flu has been categorized as a tsunami level illness. Threat level Flaming Red. The plague is a mere sneeze when compared to the man flu. Labor pains are like a paper cut compared to the debilitating agony of the man flu. Because how else can one explain the transformation that overcomes the victims of this grave illness?
    Can we all say a collective prayer for this latest victim of this horrendous disease, he who asks for no more dawa, that he shall survive this ordeal, and live to tell the tale?

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    1. I love you for free for being so articulate as for Biko. You ain’t getting off the hook so easy about that Tamms lookalike

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  4. I genuinely pray that someday we will understand how the same virus can simply cause a mere runny nose in women but when it comes to men, it is life threatening. We are endangered!

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  5. I want to be like you when I grow up(old) Biko- going up to the mountain when my life is not going according to plan.

    Did you say you smoked a blunt? Nani amekuharibu uncle Biko sasa? When did you start?( Insert the tone of an African mom who has just discovered someone smokes weed)

    Feel better soon 🙂

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  6. Castle forest lodge is right near my shags. I always go there during Christmas to play kati and roundas and chase waterfalls with lost relatives and children. Such a treat for those seeking to speak with the gods of creativity on the slopes of Mt. Kenya. Ask for purple tea and drink twice a day. It’ll clear your viral load quick and you can enjoy the waterfalls around. Get well soon.

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  7. Maybe the altitude change has ‘pleasantly’ shocked your system and it is trying to adjust.
    That being said, once folks cross the 45yr line, it would be helpful to reduce/or cease liquor intake and veer towards smoothies infused with things like chia seeds and quinoa. Things that would slow the aging process and make one feel healthier.

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    1. HAHAHA what a nice encouragement to a man who claims to be in his death bed, alone on a mountain. hahahaha

  8. Eti no dawa recipes.
    My mother gathered mwarobaine, muchaai (rosemary), mathiriti (a distant relative of mint), eucalyptus leaves, and an assortment of roots and barks gathered by my old man from the forest for “herby soup”. Boiled together and presented against your protests. Potent stuff and fodder for my childhood nightmares. Throw in a spoonful of sheep fat to “soften the throat/cough:). I have never known if they work because i was never able to keep it down

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  9. What I need today is love… I am on my way to Kinoo to book a room and kesho am in the news…alot will be said about me but what I want you all to know is I was tired! I saw no future… I felt empty…it was not the same… My Mum keeps on calling me…I guess she feels that the son will be gone by midnight… I wanted to write but someone will about me

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    1. Dear Jeff,
      May the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, garrison your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7).
      There’s no pit so deep that God is not deeper still. He cares for you, do not lose hope.

    2. Dear Jeff,
      I pray that you chose not to end it. It can feel like all is lost but one more step, one more breath is already a victory. There is a whole world out here praying for you and standing with you. You are not alone!

  10. I’m on the recovery phase of a Man Flu, and I can tell you yesterday I was feeling like I would die. Flu is no man’s friend.

  11. You even know Giardia lamblia? And no one told you not to take alcohol while on metronidazole? Pole sana. Quick recovery from the ‘deadly’ man flu.

  12. I have a flu too…..I have been gurgling peroxide to help with the throat and taking ugly capsules as well…coldcap to be specific. Affordable but very effective.
    QR Biko..
    We read next week.❤️