Nine Hours A Waiter

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Last Thursday I went to bed with a Java menu. I put aside “All The Light We Cannot See” by Anthony Doerr just as American bombers bore down on a small French borough, the last outpost occupied by Germans as a riveting World War II story started to unfold around Marie Laure, a blind French girl who listened to the sound of the bombers by the soles of her feet. I didn’t read what happens next, instead, I sunk my teeth into brioche French toast, apple cinnamon cake, halloumi and avocado wraps, pork spare ribs, grilled beef and arugula salad and washed it down with a double espresso con panna.  Then I put off of the lights and burped my way into sleep.

The next day, I was going in.

But let’s back up a bit. A few weeks earlier I had called my friend Leonard Mudachi, the COO of Java House and asked him, “Boss, if I wanted to become a waiter for a day, would Java be willing to let me try?” He paused and after an uncomfortable moment, asked incredulously, “You want to be a waiter for a day? Why?” I told him I wanted to do a social experiment. He said he would throw this peculiar request out on the management floor and get back to me.  Two weeks later he called and said, “The team found the idea intriguing, they would like to meet you so that you can sell it.”

So I met Java House’s General Manager, Naima who had nary a crease in her well cultivated demeanor and Java’s Human Resource Director commonly known as PG, who are one of those people who look like they spend their Sundays watering their beloved flowers and nursing the buds to life. We met at 360 Degrees Pizza house as rain tried to denounce the fast falling dusk outside.

Over a whisky with one rock, I sold my idea which was very simple; I wanted to go into a Java as a waiter for purposes of writing a story and testing my own non-existent patience. They were overall fascinated by it, but Naima had her reservations. Things could go very wrong, she said. I was untrained, had never waited tables before, didn’t understand their menu and there was a chance I could say the wrong thing to a client and everything goes to the shitter at that point. They had a brand to protect. “I’m not sure we want to take such unmanageable risks,” she said. Unmanageable? Me? I promised I would be a good boy.

Eventually they were sold and I told them my conditions; I wasn’t going to send them my story to read before it was published, they couldn’t stage my experience and they couldn’t tell the staff that I was a writer.

Their conditions: I had to adhere to their policy; commit their menu to heart AND shave off my scruffy beard. I said I wasn’t shavin’ my beard off for shit. This beard is my mojo, ladies. They were unmoved; said they had a strict ‘no-facial hair’ policy and there was no way they were allowing me to serve their clients looking like a mujahedeen. We agreed then that I would trim it to make it look like I didn’t rub it together to make fire.

Then they read me the riot act. Strictly no jewelry; rings, necklaces, off. Do you have any body piercings? They inquired.  “Piercings?” I asked, “You mean like a ring on my nipple?” Naima sighed. PG cackled. They continued: You can’t talk back to a customer, you can’t show any form of attitude no matter how annoying you might find the customer and you certainly can’t be sarcastic or show any form of aggression, Biko. You will be treated as a member of staff and no special preference will be accorded to you. You have to wear black jeans and black shoes like the rest, we shall provide a t-shirt, a fleece jacket, an apron, a pen and a notepad. You can’t chew gum. You serve from the right. You take an order and repeat the order to the client. Then lay out the cutlery together with a toothpick. When you serve meats, place the meat side facing the client when you serve their order. Your hair should be short and neat. You can’t smell of sweat. Cut your nails. You have to smile, all the time. Should you talk to a client in a way that the branch manager finds unpalatable, we will pull you out immediately. Strictly no phones on the floor.  Are we clear? We are. I finished my whisky and went home to study my menu in bed.

At 6 a.m. last Friday I reported to duty at the Hurlingham Java, slightly nervous but generally excited. When I walked in the staff were cleaning windows & wiping seats, the baristas were polishing the espresso machines, the kitchen staff were already cutting and boiling and steaming and braising and behind the restaurant, a delivery truck was unloading trays and trays of produce. It was nippy and misty, and the sound of dawn buses and matatus on the wet Argwings Kodhek Road drifted inside mixing with the studious chatter of the staff.

I was received by Olivia the branch manager. I had been warned that she didn’t suffer fools so I had planned to treat her like a viper and steer clear of her path. She gave me a small tour, introduced me to the other wait staff who consisted of very enthusiastic & energetic young-uns under 23-years. Managers wear burgundy, cashiers wear grey, waiters wear red, and the barristers wear brown. Six chefs manned the kitchen and there were a bunch of stewardesses washing and cleaning.

They were told I was from Uganda. My name was Steve Semantimba. My nametag read, “Steve, Trainee.” Olivia showed me the numbering of tables. She read me more rules; I can’t lean on anything, I can’t fold my hands across my chest, or akimbo, I can’t sit down, I can’t go chatting for too long with friends who might come for a meal and I had a 15min tea break at 8:30am. She then said, “You have two tools that should be with you at ALL times, this tray and this spontex thing which should be kept wet at all times for wiping tables. When you aren’t taking orders you have to wipe and clear tables and at NO point should you be without this tray. If I find you without this tray we will have a problem.”

My God! You would have thought that Java tray was made of platinum. Or silver. I felt like I was a cop having his firearm and badge being handed to him. She showed me how to hold the tray and the spontex. Always write your order down, she said, because you might think you have a brilliant memory but you don’t. And always repeat the order to the client. As a general rule while taking an order you take the order from kids first, then women and lastly men. The same when you are serving. Then she handed me a card with more rules and said, “Go to the back and commit this to memory, you have five minutes,” then she walked away to point out a spot on the window someone had missed.

I went through the Staff Only door, past the bustling kitchen and ended up outside near the loading area. I read the card. The staff were real friendly, they came and said Steve, how is Uganda, can you speak Swahili? Steve, when I say niaje, you say fiti, sawa? First time in Nairobi? Do you have friends here? A barrister called Jamo, who I came to really like, a young chap of 23yrs with a peeking tattoo on his arm and a very sunny disposition came over and asked me, “How are Ugandan women?” I said, “fantastic bodies,” he laughed. Jamo is a member of Mafisi Sacco, at that age he doesn’t know it yet but I could tell.

Later I was handed to a “buddy” Helen, a pretty 22-year old who would hold my hand, make sure I wasn’t screwing up orders and also help at the POS. She quickly showed me how to arrange tables, we warmed the maple syrup, scooped frozen butter into small glass bowls, and later she showed me which condiment goes where. They gossiped about me with some other waiters in Swahili, because Ugandans don’t know Swahili, right? I shan’t repeat what was said.

Because I have excellent luck, my first customer walked in at around 7am. Table 21. He had a sharp suit and jewelry dripping from his fingers. Gold rings on each finger. His specs were gold rimmed. A silk tie. Shoes that probably cost more than what I spend on fuel in a month. New money. You can smell new money a mile away & if your sense of smell is bad, then  you will see it. New Money announces itself, it needs to be validated. And this chap seemed to have a boatful of new dough, with the ego and attitude to match. From the shape of his nose – among other things – I could have bet he was jango or luhya.

Eager to prove that I had internalised what Olivia had drilled into me about the meet & greet routine, I cheerfully said, “Good morning, sir, welcome to Java.” Then you are supposed to let the client sit down, hand him the menu and step back and wait 2-mins until they are ready to order. Mr. Nouveau Riche hardly looked at me, I could have been wearing nothing but a loin cloth and carrying a spear and he wouldn’t have noticed. He had numerous phones which he lined up in front of him like he was about to give them a keynote address. He was on his phones throughout. Never looked at me. He finally mumbled out his order sulkily:  two eggs, buttered toast and a single house coffee.

And how would you like your eggs done, sir?

Mumble: Well done.

So that will be two eggs well done, buttered toast and a single house coffee?

A wounded grunt from him.

At that point I almost turned to his ego seated next to him and asked, “And what can I get you, sir?”

I truly wanted to serve him his eggs with a side order of a ‘you-are-not-so-important sandwich’ but unfortunately, it wasn’t on the menu.

Here is what I quickly learnt on that job. Not everybody will say hello to you. Java insists on the waiting staff making eye contact, and they kept telling me ‘You have to look the clients in the eye, Biko’, but most people don’t look at the waiting staff in the eye, so Java should consider changing their “eye contact” policy to “forehead contact” or “bald head contact” or “weave contact” hell even “ cleavage contact,” where applicable.

Some customers will ignore you. Completely block you out, like you are a talking shadow.

At 10am two Asian businessmen in crisp white shirts shuffled in, one on the phone and another looking like a lone buffalo that was just kicked out of the herd. The general rule is not to interrupt a client when they are on the phone. You wait until they hang up. When he did I was studiously standing over their table – table 101- and like a parrot I squawked; “Good morning gentlemen, are we having a good morning?”

Nothing.

Crickets.

They never looked up at me. They didn’t say shit to me.  I’m sure they heard me, because Helen who at the beginning was shadowing me, heard me. I felt slapped in the face. I was taken aback at this churlishness. I caught major feelings.

Later, I asked Helen, “Do you get clients who don’t say hello back to you, and does that make you angry?” She said, at the beginning it did. But you get used to it. People are different. People walk in here with problems that have got nothing to do with you and if you take it personally you will be miserable forever. Which I think is a load of poppycock! It’s called excusing bad behavior. Who doesn’t have baggage? The kids who wait on you have major baggage, some are orphans, some stay with nasty evil relatives, some are struggling through school, some come to work with raging backaches and cramps because of their periods and they have to be on their feet all day but they still smile and say good morning like humans should but just because your bank hasn’t approved your overdraft you are going to act like a complete wazzock and make sure that everyone around you has a shitty day too? Come on! It takes two seconds to return a salutation. Two seconds! Nobody is asking for a hug or a hearty handshake. Just look at them and say, “Good morning to you, too.” You don’t even have to look at them in the eye, the bridge of their nose is fine.  Even just mumble the words in their general direction and I’ll give you a pass.

I began writing quirky notations in my notepad; if you were a pissy customer, next to your table number and order of Mushroom, basil and cheese, and one double caffe latte, I would write “P” and circle it to mean “Prick.” The clients I loved are those who actually called me by my name, even if it wasn’t my name. “Morning Steve” “Can I please have black pepper, Steve?” It gave me great joy to be called by my name, even if it wasn’t my real name.

Because I was specifically forbidden to express any nonverbal or verbal show of dissatisfaction at your lack of culture, the smile would remain as I went back for the customary Mid-Point Check Up where after 5mins we have to go and ask if you are enjoying your meal and present the bill with the words, “I hope you are enjoying your meal so far? Because we wouldn’t want you to wait too long, here is the bill, it’s an open cheque, feel free to add anything else you want from our menu, thank you.”  But secretly I hoped you would choke on your toast if you were an ass. I’d watch you cough your liver out before I’d lift my tray to whack you on the back.

I took a tea-break at 9-ish. I sat with Helen, an ex-Utalii graduate, at the back, under the No Smoking Sign and there we drank tea from a thermos flask and bread smeared with Blue-Band. It felt like high school all over again.  I asked her how old she was and she said, “22, and you?” I asked her to guess and she said, “27?” I made a hurt face and said, “Gosh, no, I’m 26!” Since she is a ka-hot one, delivery guys passing by our table flirted with her. Jamo showed up on his way to the john and said half-jokingly, “Uganda, this is my chic, no funny ideas.” Helen snorted. Olivia walked by and demanded of some service lady, “who broke the broom?” I smeared more margarine onto more bread.

Mbuvi, the gospel singer, bundled in midmorning. That guy literally pings off walls. He was high-fiving waiters and joking and laughing with everyone and they loved him. He was like the mayor of Java. Jamo – my barista homeboy – told him that I was the new guy from Uganda and he said, “Oh wow, I did a collabo with Ambassador from your country.” I don’t know who the hell Ambassador is but I told him that I may have watched the song and I knew who he was. He went, “Oh really?” surprised. I told him yes, come on, most people know you. (Celebrities love to hear stuff like that) “You are Mbuvi, right?” and he was flattered that some random trainee from Uganda knew him and he pumped my hand enthusiastically and I got a tinge of remorse about having to lie to him like that because he really has this admirable spirit and he is such a joyous and amiable chap. Later, cappuccino in hand, he literally hopped, skipped and jumped out of that place and I wondered if perhaps he should switch to something less caffeinated than a cappuccino.

Serving drinks isn’t easy. There is a way you are supposed to place the spoon on the saucer, it has to face a certain direction. The mug has to be spotless. I had a problem carrying drinks on a tray, they kept spilling and I kept going back to get a fresh saucer. You should have seen me carrying drinks on the tray, walking with my knees bent, like Quasimodo. Like gout had finally gotten the better of me. That morning I carried dozens of toasted breads and cappuccinos and caramel macchiatos, croissants and egg and cheese bagels, and homefry havens.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of day. You have to wait tables to know that some people take that statement a tad too seriously. At some point a large man came and heaved himself (miraculously) down at table 34, and ordered steak and eggs, which is a grilled fillet steak with two eggs, homefries, toast and salsa. That’s a large meal, folks. It can feed a family of four. And it was heavy. I wanted to ask him if he was planning on hibernating in a foxhole until Christmas.

Speaking of which, I never let go of my tray. I carried it everywhere. It was my best buddy. We were attached at the wrist. We formed this bond, my tray and I, such that I named her Achutebe, which is a Nigerian name for a girl meaning, “Limit to how far one can be pushed.” (Don’t look at me like that; I read that in a book). And so Achutebe and I worked as a team, serving liters and liters of coffees and teas, and bagels and eggs with their sunny side facing the heavens. In fact as I write this now, I wonder how Achutebe is doing at Java and if her new waiter/waitress is treating her well.

Then came the busiest part of the day: lunch…

[I will post the second and last instalment of this piece tomorrow.]

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299 Comments
  1. Pahahahahaha. So many gems! Waiting on part 2. Hope you didn’t steal someone else’s woman. I really cannot see you as a waiter. Loving this piece, Quasimodo.

  2. At that point I almost turned to his ego seated next to him and asked, “And what can I get you, sir?” HAHAHAHA.
    Now if only we knew you were going to wait on tables, the whole Gang would have showed up.
    www.magunga.com

    1. I know, I am totally cursing why I did not have prior knowledge. Chocolate man yawa, next time invite the enthusiastic gang, a bit of a heads up

      1. ha ha ha, I like Java Hurlingham, Biko you should have let us know, (We)the gang would have been their with our accompanying egos

    2. Glad Biko didn’t get to encounter my neurosis.
      I’m THAT coffee junkie who likes their coffee a certain way And I get really scared that I will irritate the waitress BUT I really, really want it just right for me to function. That’s why I love the tiny Java near high court. It doesn’t feel crowded, the staff are fab and when I panic coz my regular barista + waitress are not there, Vivian the supervisor will always come to the rescue. God bless them.

        1. Wooi I have never been curious about Biko’s aesthetics.I always imagined that he is short and has a sprouting kitambi this comment made me google him..si omera looks good and has his heart on his face..u can tell he is good natured.Wow now I have to change the mental image I have had of him for the last 6 or so years.

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  3. Java. The luhya in me breaks into song and dance when I order their tea pot. I have always wondered why the wait staff are never without a tray. Now I know

  4. Really Biko,giving us instalments now?! Great read though. I’m travelling from Nakuru and passenger next to me must think I’m nuts from the way she’s staring every time I crack up from numerous unexpected punchlines. Bless you Biko, wishing you a long, long life.

  5. I never thought I should make eye contact with them and when I do sometimes it’s just nose contact… I’ll try a little harder.
    Interesting insights.

  6. ” It’s called excusing bad behavior. Who doesn’t have baggage? The kids who wait on you have major baggage, some are orphans, some stay with nasty evil relatives, some are struggling through school, some come to work with raging backaches and cramps because of their periods and they have to be on their feet all day but they still smile and say good morning like humans should but just because your bank hasn’t approved your overdraft you are going to act like a complete wazzock and make sure that everyone around you has a shitty day too?” Preach it, Chocolate man!

  7. Achutebe… You read lots of crap sometimes..! Haha

    Big up to all younguns who work in the cbd and go unseen by those they serve….

  8. “But secretly I hoped you would choke
    on your toast if you were an ass. I’d watch you
    cough your liver out before I’d lift my tray to
    whack you on the back.” So passive aggressive but yet so funny.
    I always make a point to be polite to those who serve me whichever place I am in, from kibanda to swanky restaurant . More for my sake than theirs , you never know if someone can decide to sneak in a serving of phlegm in your order ha-ha.

  9. disappointed that you didn’t post the whole of it today!
    ” But
    secretly I hoped you would choke on
    your toast if you were an ass. I’d
    watch you cough your liver out before
    I’d lift my tray to whack you on the
    back.” hahahaha
    nice piece as always

  10. Am I the only one who thinks Biko’s attention to detail is way above excellent.
    My goodness me,been to Java endless times but I have never noticed half the particulars.
    What an experience,cannot wait for part two!

    1. I pity his missus,this quasimodo of a forehead has a near identic memory.He will remember what you were wearing last election day and who you claimed to have been with! His attention to detail reminds me of the character Sheldon!

  11. As much as I laughed so much reading this article, and it prevented me from having eye contact with my 10 Oclock mug of tea,it has reminded me how much appreciative I should be of not only waiters but anyone whose job I have no idea how it goes.

  12. Uuuuuu lunch is the time you swim. I worked as a steward for 6 months after campo. The hardest job I have ever done. You had better have a good story on stewards those guyz are like directors if they are slow in washing plates and tea spoons utaumia.

  13. ‘You have to look the clients in the eye, Biko’… i thought you were Semantimba or Steve. Anyway nice read Chocolate man, Cannot wait for part2

  14. Quite an eye opener, this one. From now on I shall try to “ping off the walls” like Mbuvi. If you see a collapsed Java, know I was there to try a milkshake..Oh, and I’ll be sure to look for Helen to say hi (perhaps hug her too? Is Jamo a big guy?)

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  15. i wish i walked into that restaurant…id have blown your cover…!!! or just been a fussy guy…your patience wouldn’t have taken it…

  16. Glad you did Experience what’s its like To be waiter and get an idea what we go through. The job is awesome but have its own challenges…waiting for part Two curious to know if you got overwhelmed we normally call it “swimming”

  17. I could have been wearing nothing but a loin cloth and carrying a spear and he wouldn’t have noticed.

    Hahahahaha… Biko. Yaaani… You make my Tuesdays. Can’t wait for tomorrow

  18. Baba you will kill us with names…Jackson Biko aka Biko Zulu aka Chocolate man akaka Steve Semantimba. I smeared more margarine into more bread is an induction to Mafisi Sacco

  19. It’s obviously not the point to this story, but God do I love Anthony Doerr. I read All The light We Cannot See. Twice. I intend to relive it next year. I read shell-collector too and now I am starting on About Grace. I feel like all my life has led to him.

  20. as a real life 9 hrs casino working waitress, I can more than totally relate, some clients are super rude and self-priviledged, I have to literally fight the urge to smack them with my best buddy-my salver-(thats how we call our trays)… Or when they some get all high and mighty because they imagine people who do service are just a bunch of uneducated, desperate low-lifes, its easy to read that just by the way someone looks or talks to you… But when push comes to shove, sarcasim can be very polite, its our only arsenal anyway…

  21. waaah this article has sent me to stitches especially the Mbuvi part because he really has this admirable spirit and he is such a joyous and amiable chap. Later, cappuccino in hand, he literally hopped, skipped and jumped out of that place and I wondered if perhaps he should switch to something less caffeinated than a cappuccino.

  22. lool, nice piece as always. I think I saw you biko on that day there at hurlingam java, your forehead betrayed you, I should have screamed out your name

  23. Lets known known next time which branch you will be serving and in yr next article share the amount of tips you pocketed biko it’s good info since we will also consider the job mainly because of the tips

  24. Hahaha! Reading your pieces in the office is always a bad idea,I suspect my colleagues think I’m a loon from laughing alone. The guy who wanted to give his phones a keynote address? Hilarious!
    But on a different note, I have always had a problem with how eateries treat their staff. These guys are on their feet all day and the only thing they have is tea and plain bread or ugali and kales/beans and they have been serving chicken and what not all day. Totally unfair..

  25. lol………….the not saying hi back bit, really bad, some humans think the waiters are robots or what? Have a humane day

  26. but most people don’t look at the waiting staff in the eye, so Java should consider changing their “eye contact” policy to “forehead contact” or “bald head contact” or “weave contact” hell even “ cleavage contact,” where applicable……hahahahahahaestest!
    Btwy if i were Mbuvi, i would not forgive you anytime soon.
    This is a very worthy morning read as usual. Can’t wait for kesho. Commendable

  27. Very Insightful as to human behavior. Funny how we seldom acknowledge others,yet we ourselves love to be ‘seen’. I now have a great deal of respect for Mbuvi, he has restored my faith in the sheer goodness of people.

  28. I began writing quirky notations in my notepad; if you were a pissy
    customer, next to your table number and order of Mushroom, basil and
    cheese, and one double caffe latte, I would write “P” and circle it
    to mean “Prick.” hahaha very apt.

  29. Great piece. I agree on courtesy. And great that you keep yourself anonymous, someone might be reading this and going. .what! I should have looked at those waiters eyes. .awesome. waiting for part 2

  30. Ai Biko you should have just posted the whole thing, we don’t mind lengthy posts. But we will exercise patience and wait for tomorrow. Meanwhile, I don’t think I have seen a Java waiter/waitress following all those rules. Point to self, say hi to wait staff as often a possible.

  31. things we are guilty of sometimes…not noticing the little joys in life!!! …

    i caught major feelings…i could almost see the teeth-gritting

  32. Nice one Biko…”We agreed then that I would trim it to make it look like I didn’t rub it together to make fire.” HAHAHA. Can’t wait for part two..

  33. Great read as always Chocolate man, that whack sounded soo serious, would have probably tore up that guy’s spine.
    But secretly I hoped you would choke on your toast if you were an ass. I’d watch you cough your liver out before I’d lift my tray to whack you on the back.

  34. Superb piece, Biko. An articulate account of your experience. I like the new money line! People feeling too sweet about themselves to even return salutations. Anxiously waiting for part two.

  35. You should have seen me carrying drinks on the tray, walking with my knees bent, like Quasimodo…Biko you have no feelings aki!! Nice piece!

  36. steve semantimba…I love every bit of the sarcasm..wondering what someone’s ego will have for lunch today because I must feed it..can’t wait for tomorrow

  37. a great piece our chocolate man but consider yourself lucky that your forehead played along or they gave you a cap?cannot endure the suspense for part 2and ask for Acitobes hand

  38. Awesome!! Next time I visit Java Hurlingham will look out for Helen, Jamo, Olivia and your new love….Achubete. Always a great read and I will try and stop reading your posts during office hours.

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  39. Hope in part two of the story you will introduce that famous roach from Java and how they are mad at being exposed. trust you to spin a story around

  40. Great piece. I learnt how to appreciate everybody from watching my director. He pops in anywhere and says hi to everybody; waiters, fundis, cleaners, watchmen, name it. Not even in English, just a simple and genuine ‘Habari yenu, kazi iko aje?’ It sets them at ease with you and in return they appreciate that simple gesture and will do you small favours here and there.

  41. I hear Steve Ssematimba from Uganda. Yes we do not speak swahili but we do understand it, so watch out Biko. And also Biko, our history with that language, the pain and horror it brought just makes it unpalatable for us to embrace it.

  42. Ha ha…love this post and waiting for part two. I feel you….being a waiter must be a thankless job and the money aint that great either. I wonder how your tips were? Because the other side of the story is, Kenyans are generally not the best tippers as I understand it. And this is why i have been to a java and felt that the service was slow in favor of some lighter skinned clients. I am interested to know about this from the waiters perspective.

  43. I really hope that all those people that suffer from middle class self entitlement feel really horrible about themselves after reading this.

  44. This is so true, Saying Good morning to you too, doesn’t cost much energy.

    The kids who wait on you have major baggage, some are orphans, some stay with nasty evil relatives, some are struggling through school, some come to work with raging backaches and cramps because of their periods and they have to be on their feet all day but they still smile and say good morning like humans should but just because your bank hasn’t approved your overdraft you are going to act like a complete wazzock and make sure that everyone around you has a shitty day too? Come on! It takes two seconds to return a salutation.

  45. Biko Biko, I just love your terrible sense of humor. This is wonderful writing. You never, ever disappoint. We love you Biko-all the way from Uganda!!!!

    1. Am Ugandan and in love with his writing. Reminds us that to be a good writer,one doesn’t have to use those tongue twisting mind blowing words from literature-pedia (if it exists).That simply nick naming a serving tray can be rib cracking!!

    2. While we sympathise with the many waiters and waitresses that are not treated with the honour they deserve, there are cases where the situation is the other way round.

      I have gone to restaurants where waiters dump food on the table like they are throwing bones to a starving dog.And when you try to ask for somethingelse (an extra order),they start by mentioning it’s price…like really?

      The fact that I have shown up in a bar wearing a mini doesn’t mean am a slut who can’t afford her own drinks and in turn doesn’t guarantee you to treat me like one.Could have been aday off for showing off my legs!

      Bottom line;we all need to respect humanity,regardless of our perceived levels of self importance and levels of judgement.

  46. I always find myself fumbling to for a non-existent ‘LIKE’ key here. If you did a whole day under such circumstances, then your patience is after-all not “non-existent” as you implied before. You have to give a thumbs up for those who wait on us everyday, sometimes some of us treat them as if they were part of the tables and chairs, if not cutlery! And by the way, where do you get all this humor from? Boss, if I find myself next to you I will be so afraid coz I wouldn’t know what joke you could conjure up when you will write about me!
    Nice stuff as always,

  47. Hahaha!Quasimodo?? This was just breakfast,cant wait to hear how you were after an obvious busy lunch hour. Much respect to all the waiters and waitresses.

  48. Great job Biko, the fact that you actually did the waiting on tables is commendable. Nice touch of humour on the not so nice experiences. Bring on part 2…

  49. All roads lead to Java Hurlingham to see Helen the hottie 😀 pretty sure she’ll be poached before end of the year..lol

  50. You literally have to walk a fraction of a mile in someone else’s shoes to get a whole new perspective on what it is like to be them, or what it is like doing what they do. It’s humbling in ways our normal selves never think possible.
    Tomorrow can’t get here fast eneough

  51. Well in Biko!! I’m in that category that needs to be civil. I have nether glanced up to respond. From now on I will be human! BTW how is ur health? the clot is cleared?

  52. I’m sitting at Java waiting for someone and then I open Bikozulu to kill time. Now I’m looking around with a sheepish grin on my face

  53. just asking..? You mean no one realized it was you? Lets just assume those guys don’t read. i was curious to know who you were first time i read you. can’t forget the face. plus it got an add on already

    1. Our eyes only see what our minds expect. Unless you’re really keen, it would have been difficult to note Biko as he waits on you in Java.

  54. Biko, as always thinking out of the box…nah..throwing away the box- from majority of this comments you can tell how guys are so engrossed in their own “maundus” to have time to appreciate others and its not just waiters-even the cleaner in your office, the guard at the parking lot..etc great read.reminds me- it’s never that serious man. Smile

  55. Achutebe is doing fine and so is your amazing writing. The pricks will always be, it reminded me of one of my village mates “nyathiwa kata mos ok ikaw” learnt my lesson mos tee akawo gi mor:)

  56. Biko una ufala sana… Ah.. too awesome. Folks here will starting looking at Java trays funny as they try to make which one’s Achutebe

  57. I just love you biko! Your wicked sense of humor tickles me. I want to know one thing, though; How much were you tipped? I hope it will be in part 2.

  58. Later, cappuccino in hand, he literally hopped, skipped and jumped out of that place and I wondered if perhaps he should switch to something less caffeinated than a cappuccino…. You have just made my cold sad tuesday better

  59. This is cool. I’d struggle with being a waiter, because it means being silent with my opinions. Lol. Like you would want to ask the big guy whether he is sure about his order. Like there are fruits… etc….

  60. ” I wanted to ask him if he was planning on hibernating in a foxhole until Christmas.” You killed it there.

  61. You can’t read Biko while supervising an exam! I am trying but the students have this expression on their faces like “kwani teacher had one too many Jana!”

  62. Unputdownable… (have always wanted to use this word). It is a good one, this. So much humour in it you want to bottle it and hibernate until Christmas. And lessons too, for the nouveau riche and the cafones of Nairobi, who always wonder how a person could be so lacking in ambition as to become a waiter where there are 48 governments in the country to do business with.

  63. I once worked as a janitor for three months or so.No social experiment just life taking me places i never thought i would ever be.I learnt a lot about people but also of myself i.e. my attitude before and after have been educated

  64. Hahaha!!! “…knees bent like Quasimodo.” I have laughed my liver to the back of my spine and I am waiting deliriously for part 2. Good read. I wish I went in Java that day. Thank you Biko. Now let loose part 2!

  65. Next time I meet Mbuvi at Java Koinange I will laugh in his face. But he is a cool guy. Very very cool and the star thing has not messed up with his head

  66. Only stupid people are rude to waiters/waitresses. Even when I am not in a good mood, i find it deep within me to be courteuos to them. You should never be rude to someone who directly handles your food or your medication.

  67. Problem is most of these egosians don’t read coz if they did, they would come after your sh*t, and have it on the rocks. Uganda, I have read many articles in the past written by you. But this one takes the biscuit. The best. Hahaha.

  68. As usual, this piece is laden with humor. The problem we have as human beings is that we think what we do is more important than what someone else does. The people we look down upon could actually be better at their jobs than we are at our six figure salary jobs. Kindness goes a long way. Next time, adopt the name Wephukhulu and become a guard, even for half a day. Did you eventually reveal the truth to your “work mates”?

  69. Later, cappuccino in hand, he literally hopped, skipped and jumped out of that place and I wondered if perhaps he should switch to something less caffeinated than a cappuccino. #toofunny

  70. We agreed then that I would trim it to make it look like I didn’t rub it together to make fire.hahahaha…am ever stuck on you biko

  71. Hmmm…Biko…I always love your choice of words,attention to detail,the jokes,the ability to keep a reader captivated…and of course the sarcasm…that Ego part really cracked me up..you are blessed with talent..keep it up

  72. Hahaha Banange ‘steve’ you have killed it! Biko you will kill me with laughter boss. Working as a waiter is never easy. My previous work was in a 5 star hotel somewhere in Uganda and i saw what waiters were going through. It was hard jatelo! Looking forward to’ ‘side B’ of this story hehe…

  73. U r too crazy Biko. I swear by Java and from kesho,I will look them in the eye,smile,tip,and call them by their names.How much tip did u get?

  74. Dear chocolate man, please tell us what Hellen and her friend said about you in swahili.
    Anyway,I also have an issue with people who are rude to waiters. They are people trying to do their best to earn a living. The most disgusting are those who caress bar tenders. It is rude. If you are say, a banker, and a customer caressed you coz he/she can, how wod you feel?we should respect eveyone’s job and try to be couteous even on a shitty day. It actually helps in getting the best services. Good job chocolate man. One more thing, new money guys are really irritating by the way

  75. did u get a tip chocolate man? what do they serve Steve for lunch? what nassty tricks did you see in the kitchen? mmm can’t wait for you to reload.

  76. At that point I almost turned to his ego seated next
    to him and asked, “And what can I get you, sir?”
    I truly wanted to serve him his eggs with a side
    order of a ‘you-are-not-so-important sandwich’ but
    unfortunately, it wasn’t on the menu…
    Hahahahahahaha…. Can’t wait for the second instalment .

  77. This Quasimodo of a forehead! I am laughing alone in my house.Heck,I am starting to doubt my sanity.Thanks for doing this…It prolongs our days

  78. Baldhead contact, weave contact…I almost died! lol! It’s like your brain has a million thoughts per second. I enjoy the company of my thoughts, sometimes they are really funny or plain wierd. I just can’t put it down on paper like you. Can’t wait for Part 2

  79. I don fall prey to this….well I don do java for my morning dose of caffeine, but our gate man goteas me on my way in. I also know he recently got a baby boy and I bought him ‘Pampers’ though I never attended the baby shower.

  80. I’m glad I am always courteous to wait staff because I truly do appreciate them UNLESS they hit me with a bad attitude outta nowhere then they really get it from me.

  81. Gwe Batuwa okolaki wano?? He he.. Finally you bite, huh? Baba.. aye the Sematimba bit killed me too, of all the names Biko chose Sematimba! How are Ugandan women? Gorgeous bodies,next time keep it simple-ENDOWED. That says it better. he he.

  82. “..Later, cappuccino in hand, he literally hopped, skipped and jumped out of that place and I wondered if perhaps he should switch to something less caffeinated than a cappuccino…” Lmao. Good one

  83. This article is superb! Thanks for making my day.. Ego, the hog, Mbuvi and his less cafeinated drink had me institches. Can’t wait for part 2, 3, 4

  84. “Always write your order down, she said, because you might think you have a brilliant memory but you don’t. ” hehe important detail in waiting

  85. I get it: be nice to waiters/waitresses (while you’re) at Java and other establishments not promoted here. But this post? Dry and uninspired. Took all I had to barely skim through it.

  86. Well put, it’s a beautiful piece. I am a teller and can relate especially that part on ignoring greetings.Maybe you can try cashiering too. Lots of pressure though.

  87. How do u want your eggs done, Sir? Well done. Hahahaha I hope he understood wt tht question meant. Shd hv ordered some buttered toast fr his ego

  88. I asked her how old she was and she said, “22, and you?” I asked her to guess and she said, “27?” I made a hurt face and said, “Gosh, no, I’m 26!”
    LOL Biko you got me laughing this morning..

  89. Mr Steve……every time i visit here you serve me with humour..am ever smiling. I can relate to this that as a waiter you deal with alot of people some good,some bad and others are not sure what they want…..nice piece…

  90. I liked your observations about new money. Nothing irritates me more than new money . So rightly put . New money always needs to be validated. Waiters are the best people in analysing human behaviour. They see the truest side of human nature . This was a worthy experiment

  91. i have worked at Java and i must say this piece is spot on. that is what waiters go through everyday. thank you for letting those ignorant arrogant fools know.

  92. Excel,lent read Mr chocolate man!Your sense of humour and sarcasm has made this one of my favourite reads this year.well I love all your articles but this is up there with the 3am man and the pool guy.

  93. hahaha beautiful piece! My fav Java joint is the one at Sarit and I can only imagine how I see some customers treat the baristers and waitresses. I was once served with a trainee and he was all over the place forgetting orders, bringing cold coffee, and I had to remember that he was a person first, not there to just serve me and he needed my respect too.

  94. Where do I even start. This blog post is so raw and authentic and funny and should let people change their behaviors. Smell of new money and foxhole for Christmas. I can’t.

  95. A barrister called Jamo, who I came to really like, a young chap of 23yrs with a peeking tattoo on his arm and a very sunny disposition came over and asked me, “How are Ugandan women?” I said, “fantastic bodies,” he laughed. Jamo is a member of Mafisi Sacco, at that age he doesn’t know it yet but I could tell…….I loved this.

    1
  96. Interesting Read..it’s funny how people are insensitive to the most simplest things like responding to greetings…looking forward to the rest of this piece.

  97. I am reminded of the time the Top Gear team took over the BBC radio (and made such a mess that people were calling in to complain…), I am here wondering how your nine hours ended. Waiting eagerly for the second part

  98. Biko,you never disappoint!
    I don’t think I would do that job for the entire day…broken plates, glasses and cups and Olivia would have to send me away…

  99. ….”…”Good morning gentlemen, are we having a good morning?”

    Nothing.

    Crickets….”..

    that got me bursting seroiusly with laughter. i know those ..”..and let there be silence” moments

  100. wow!being a java employee and also having a keen interest in writing,i’m overwhelmed by how biko summarises his experiences as a java waiter so well that one could believe he has been in java since it was born.this guy is a genius.my best part of humour..They say that breakfast is
    the most important meal
    of day. You have to wait
    tables to know that some
    people take that
    statement a tad too
    seriously. At some point a
    large man came and
    heaved himself
    (miraculously) down at
    table 34, and ordered
    steak and eggs, which is a
    grilled fillet steak with
    two eggs, homefries, toast
    and salsa. That’s a large
    meal, folks. It can feed a
    family of four. And it was
    heavy. I wanted to ask
    him if he was planning on
    hibernating in a foxhole
    until Christmas.
    Speaking of which, I next…

  101. Excellently written as usual. The Mbuvi part just killed it, so true and so hilariously described! I wonder though, did you fake a Ugandan accent?

  102. yap change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability,but comes through continuous struggle, and so you must straighten your back and work for your company as no one can ride on your back unless your back is bent.Am Java alumni do understand the episode.

  103. This is the biko i love and here you got me worried that your creative juices were drying up…..you got me laughing with the line “piercings? you mean like a ring on my nipple” i once used that line when i was donating blood the nurse was not amused at all..shucks

  104. I remember when we walked in we immediately noticed you cause gosh you are tall. You did an excellent job & the smile was on point but then again it was early in the morning. The Hurlingham Java team is the best. We always hope they never get rotated but it’s impossible, it’s the nature of their job.I hope people will learn to be free, say hello find out how the day is going, it really does help. Kudos for this brilliant piece.

  105. The whole scenarios from part 1 2 3 is a daily nightmare but the saddest corner of it is that any fault made like breakages yu’ll pay with a commission thinking if perhaps is a faulu faida branch i pitty my job policy at times but we eat expensive meal at a free coast lol!!!!! the pride of that job

  106. This is a must read for all those who don’t understand the day’s work.
    That’s all in a day’s work.
    Nice read though, Hilarious! I must admit much love for Jamo the Barista and respect to Olivia

  107. Hehehe…wittily delivered piece. At that point I almost turned to his ego seated next to him and asked, “And what can I get you, sir?”
    I truly wanted to serve him his eggs with a side order of a ‘you-are-not-so-important sandwich’ but unfortunately, it wasn’t on the menu. LOL

  108. Perks of having an anonymous face… you can do stuff anywhere without folks staring at you like a zombie. Biko sure had an interesting day. On to part two now.

  109. “I wanted to ask him if he was planning on hibernating in a foxhole until Christmas!” That line had me in stitches. Just wondering what on earth made you want to try your hand at waiting? Good insights though.
    www.lilmissbelle.com

  110. Oh Stevo, after working through hell, had to catch up: just read parts 1 & installement and tell you what, my ribs are in pieces.

  111. Hehehe this piece reminds me of my time as a waiter cum kitchen help in some outside catering business, my story has some twist since it’s not your prestigious eatery in Nairobi, ours was a village catering that flourished back in my hometown where funeral was a big thing. My problem was those people from Nairobi read Narobi as my people called them, Dude this people had some attitude one would think they hail from Pluto,ok I’d excuse them for they were bereaved and somehow we were cashing out of it but serious i guess we all have to respect anyone’s job especially if it’s all about service delivery.I would wipe their table as they threw abuses at me on how I was growing fat from their food hehehe I just wish they knew how tiresome that job was staying all night slicing a whole sack of onions, crushing bones for ‘mlima’ just for them to have a good sent off still like the rule says we had to smile despite all this though deep inside I was dying to punch them and tell them “go to hell”. that’s why nowadays anytime i walk into any restaurant I always smile and give the waiters tip anytime i can.

  112. This just sums it up, we always think that whatever we do is more important than what other guys do in driving this country forward, we need to learn to appreciate whatever little other people do, great pieceand I have learnt something.

  113. Being a waiter is not as easy as some people might think. You have to keep that smile even when you work in a society where people don’t always smile back. I wonder if you were tipped by any of your client. Nice read as always.

  114. Their conditions: I had to adhere to their policy; commit their menu to heart AND shave off my scruffy beard. I said I wasn’t shavin’ my beard off for shit. This beard is my mojo, ladies. They were unmoved; said they had a strict ‘no-facial hair’ policy and there was no way they were allowing me to serve their clients looking like a mujahedeen. We agreed then that I would trim it to make it look like I didn’t rub it together to make fire.
    At some point a large man came and heaved himself (miraculously) down at table 34, and ordered steak and eggs, which is a grilled fillet steak with two eggs, homefries, toast and salsa. That’s a large meal, folks. It can feed a family of four. And it was heavy. I wanted to ask him if he was planning on hibernating in a foxhole until Christmas.
    These bits killed me!!… Biko that was a nice move…waitering..now u know how they feel…

  115. lol! Very funny read… I also love the furore in the comments section! I have had trouble opening your site, glad to have succeeded today.

  116. A very interesting read.It gives an upclose look at a waiter/waitress life on the job, and after this I have developed a new respect for that line of work.Let me read part two.

  117. This has made me really think of all the times I have been to Java and if I have ever been an asshole to the waiters like the lost ‘buffalo’ man. No, I haven’t and I can rest easy

  118. This has made me really think of all the times I have been to Java and if I have ever been an asshole to the waiters like the lost ‘buffalo’ man. No, I haven’t and I can rest easy

    abantugirl.wordpress.com

  119. Biko,…that lack of eye contact would fit you in as a waiter in just a loin cloth..haaha…ua proposal to ‘cleavage contact’ is a very good example of a mad idea. and this sunny side of the egg that has to be served facing the heavens ….hahhh i can barely breathe.!!

  120. I must say its a joy reading your articles Biko. I’ve read both parts but i wanted to comment here because of Hellen. She is such a wonderful person am surpised she’s only 22! I always insist on her serving us everytime we visit the hurlinghum branch coz a sure of exceptional service. However i must point out that any Java in CBD is fast loosing ground to Kaldis, their service is way better and OMG their Strawberry lemonade is our of this world. I tried the same at Java and i was deeply disappointed. Cant wait to read the next

  121. Biko,you made me famous ” team mafisi Sacco” really bro really

    I love your Instagram stories, reading is my new hobbie thanks to you