The Tall Ghost

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She wrote me an interesting email about her marriage, with a mathematical subtext. I said, “How about you send me some 2,000 words on this?” So she sent 5,000 words. I barely needed to touch it. But because I’m intrusive, I have put my commentary in brackets. 

        ***
I could tell you my name, but it is better that my identity gnaws at your psyche as I tell this story. Let’s start at the beginning. I was raised in a village-town, Nyeri. It was a village because it was not a city and it was a town because we had paved roads and no livestock. I am the middle child with two siblings. I believe that mine was literally the best dad in the world. I wanted to be a princess and he encouraged me, said I could be anything I wanted to be in the world. But the only princess I knew at the time, Diana, died, and I no longer wanted to be a princess. I now wanted to be a business lady so that I could be rich and help people, mostly myself, and yet he encouraged me. I grew up in an overly functional home, so functional that I guess it was dysfunctional in a way. Everything ran mechanically and logically. My dad would ensure we were ready to go to school, drive us to school and pick us up at “home time”. He ensured our homework was done and that we did revision for our exams. My mom ensured we were well-fed and clothed and disciplined. Everything to do with school was Dad, and everything to do with home was Mom. We had structure. In French, mutaratara… procedure.

My dad is an engineer and because of him I came to love math and physics. By the way did you know there are 11 branches of physics? Now you know. Naturally, because of the way I was  nurtured, I grew into a person who likes structure and procedures and programmes. I plan obsessively. I had a life plan. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. I hate cliches but I hate this specific cliche the most because it doesn’t scientifically or mathematically make sense. Planning doesn’t mitigate failure and not planning doesn’t automatically invite failure. Happenstance has been known to be perfect sometimes. And in my case, planning bore utter failure.

My life plan was: Meet a man, fall in love, get married, build a business, get the first born and second borns (twins) and then live happily thereafter, in wealth and fame, till I die before him, because I cannot be a widow. I had a perfect plan.

God must have chuckled. 

So, in 2013, I am 23 and I am jobless. I had quit my job in a huff and was hoping to get another one and I couldn’t get one. I had been in the house for six months, and being idle was killing me. Then my rich uncle called in a favor, and I landed an interview. I went to the interview looking good and smelling great. The man, my former boss, gave it to me straight. He said he didn’t want to say no to my uncle but he didn’t have any open positions for someone of my qualifications. Being an analytical mind, beleaguered by low self-esteem, what I heard was that he indeed had a vacancy but I was underqualified. I quickly said, “Whatever position there is, despite not being qualified, I will learn and do well.” 

He laughed and told me that I was actually overqualified with my degree and experience. I asked what job it was, and he said front office. I surprised him by saying I would take it. It paid me literal peanuts but I took it just so I could get out of the house. 

So I landed me a job that my parents didn’t approve of. They didn’t think their princess should be stooping so low as to take a front office job but I needed to do something, and being jobless wasn’t helping me. I am headstrong and unyielding, when I want something, nothing can stop me. I was stubborn like Number 33 before Andrew Booker. Thirty three was considered a stubborn number because for a long time mathematicians could not figure out how to express it as sum of 3 cubes. Andrew Booker had to come up with his own algorithm to get the answer since it was computationally impossible to calculate. Well, anyway, that’s how stubborn I can be when I want something. 

I took the job. It was based in Thika, a real estate company in the middle of a vast coffee plantation. The place was so far removed from any town that we had to live on the property. The company housed all their employees so we were all neighbors. There were hippos too, and it is easy to assume that it was Barney [Isn’t Barney a dinosaur?] singing good morning, but no, these were African Hippos. They do not sing. They are badass. They kill you just for existing within their line of sight. A sign at the gate of our estate said “Hippos are here at the pleasure of the Minister of Wildlife and the KWS” which is subliminal messaging for “You will probably get killed and it won’t be our fault.”  So we were warned not to walk around at night because despite the fact that they look overweight, you cannot outrun a hippo. It runs at 30kph, and this means nothing as a number till you realize Eliud Kipchoge’s average speed at the Ineos 159 challenge was not even 22kph. 

I met him on my first day at work. Let’s call him Jude. He is  the tall, dark chocolate, handsome type of man with great shoulders and arms. I am an arms girl. I like men with good arms. Like if you play tennis or lift weights then you probably have good arms. But good arms are only good arms if they look good in dress shirts, like Jude’s. [He wore the hell out of dress shirts.] He laughed easily and loudly. His teeth were a bit crooked but it kinda added to his rawness. He was a raw guy, no wahalla. I really liked his arms and we hit it off on day one. As part of my duties in the office, I was also the tea girl. I would make tea for the whole office. I loved it because I love cooking and cleaning. He kept me company as I made tea and we would talk about life and stuff. People who just met talk about stuff – it is the nothingness and the lack of specificity about important subjects that makes people decide if they like each other’s company. He liked my tea, I liked his arms and we liked talking about stuff, therefore, a friendship blossomed.

Jude was kind and loved helping people. He always came to me for advice as he was in marketing and my boss made sure to remind all of them that I was more qualified than they all were. And so we ended up spending lots of time together discussing stuff, because people generally talk about stuff when they spend time together. 

We had a lot in common. We liked planning. We liked business. We liked to be rich. And most importantly, we both liked math. He was an Econ Stat major, math was his whole thing. And I was a self-taught math and physics enthusiast. [Yikes! Geeks!] We both viewed life as an equation that needed to be solved. All his problems were solved on spreadsheets, and all of mine were solved with analysis. It was magic. Math and analysis together are magic, sparkly fairy type magic.

We were also super different. I am a neat freak and he always came to work with dirty shoes. It bothered me so much until one day I discovered that it was because he had a kitchen garden with things growing in it and would stop by to do some weeding and soil-turning before coming to work. He planted things he could harvest and eat: lettuce, onions, potatoes, spinach, beetroot, corn. [Ati corn. You can tell what sort of schools this chick attended]. He had it all. It blew my mind. I actually tried to have the gardener grow things in my garden, but well…it didn’t really work out for me. I knew nothing about growing things. I know a lot of things, but this I didn’t know. Garden stuff. I actually thought that when you plant stuff, you wait for the rain to come. I had no idea that one should be proactive in watering the plants if the skies do not look like they are going to give. I have mad respect for farmers, it is such a science. I believe farming is closest to math than any other activity.

Jude would go to Thika town often to sample food in restaurants and then he would call us to find out if we needed anything from the supermarket. He would then, without expecting any favors in return, deliver everyone’s shopping to their homes. I thought him selfless, an admirable quality.

One day he asked me to accompany him to go check out a new Swahili food joint that had opened in Thika and I obliged, and that became the norm. Every day after work we would go try out a different food place in Thika town and talk for hours. We were beginning to fall in love and were becoming inseparable after a couple of months of doing food tours (dates) and making tea at the office but I quit my job late November 2013 to go start a business and so we kinda lost our groove. The thing is, in my head they were dates, in his head they were food tours, an argument we have never settled to date. [They sound like food tours to me]. After I left, we tried to keep in touch but he was so far away that it didn’t really seem like it was going anywhere.

As fate would have it, I became his girlfriend on 9th January 2014. He had called to check on me and he said he missed me and I said he had no right to miss me because we weren’t anything. So he asked me on the phone to be his girlfriend, and being a bossy babe I wasn’t going to be a girlfriend to a man who wasn’t going to marry me. I informed him as much. He, being the math and numbers/ analytical geek, asked me what my timelines were to settle down. I said two years, that was my deadline. I had my plan all figured out and it was as beautiful as Euler’s Identity. [What now?] I cannot begin to describe the beauty of this equation because it would take an entire article and we do not have the time. [No, we do! You are not the boss of us!] 

Okay, fine. This is the jewel of modern math – there is no better equation, it is the best. But that is the thing though, now that I mentioned it I feel like you won’t understand my point if I do not explain it. It’s basically an equation that brings together 5 constants whose sum is zero. It is written as eiπ + 1 = 0, the most recognizable of these constants are zero, one and pi and then there is e which is a calculus base and i which is the most fundamental imaginary number square root of -1. [There are actually people like this out there. As in, we share roads together!] So my plan where beauty was concerned stacked up to the magnificence of this equation. 

Back to my story, Jude paused a bit and said “Today is Friday 9th of January…. two years from today 9th January is a Saturday…would you like to get married on that day?”  Impressed by the precision of it, I answered in the affirmative. It didn’t occur to me as impulsive. I had a plan, and here was a person that had fit right into the plan. I had found X, my missing variable. By the way, that too is a math reference but we really shouldn’t get into it. [No, probably not. I’m still reeling from Euler’s Identity] And there begun our transactional full on, love-filled relationship, which culminated in a 1000pax wedding two years to the day, i.e. 9th January 2016. 

We did everything together. We were an “us” now. The forever type us. We had spreadsheets for important decisions and the usual couple stuff that two logical people in love, building a forever type love would have. We were as perfect as 6 the number. Biko, a perfect number is a positive integer that is equal to the sum of its positive divisors excluding itself. 6 has 3 divisors 1,2,3. Their sum is 6. [For chrissake]That is very easy to remember!

It made sense for us to be together, we had complementary goals. Together we were 1.618, the golden ratio. To the world, we were the perfect couple. We were so in love we resembled each other. At our wedding people were looking for the groom because they thought he was the bride’s brother.

To ourselves…we would conquer the world together. It was transactional logical love. Him, a tall, darkish handsome math geek with good arms and cute crooked teeth and who did numbers for everything. Me, the kick ass, go-getting, risk-taking boss lady that always got a yes. Logical emotion is what I’d call it. If I would create a math formula for it, it would probably be something like. 

US = (Time * Love * Matching Goals) + Logic

Interfering variables would be family and financial disposition – and I haven’t found a way to incorporate that into this permutation to produce a more accurate outcome. See our lives. Ha-ha.

We got married and what was supposed to be a perfect union began. After the wedding, he lost his job and I became the sole breadwinner. I was consulting at the time, chasing clients and also doing events at the time. I was kicking ass everyday, handling big companies and also being a wife, the type that would host people for three-course dinner. I was superwoman; I worked, cooked and cleaned. The tri-factor of female superhood. He stayed at home. He sometimes helped with client work whilst he looked for a job. But I was pulling all the weight. It didn’t really bother me, I am domesticated and I love my job so it was all great. We had some happy times, he liked to cook so we would do some experimenting in the kitchen together and we would laugh and gossip together. We were friends, very good friends, best friends even. 

But the cracks started to appear early in the marriage. Murphy’s law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and boy, wrong and his whole clan moved into our house. 

Some weeks after the ruracio before the wedding I caught him sexting a lady, his former workmate, Grace. He said they were just texts and I was ill-advised that it is not wise to end a union just over some measly texts so I stayed. Six months into the marriage, Grace would call him early mornings and late evenings like a cock scheduled to crow and he refused to stop talking to her. I discovered he was even discussing intricate details of our marriage with her, but felt helpless like there was nothing I could do. Our marriage was so strained in the first year that I really just wanted to leave. It had stopped making sense to be here, it wasn’t perfect anymore. But I stayed. Because my folks and his folks got involved and we found a way to resolve the matter. 

You know when you first get married you think that marriage is perfect, like a perfect square. Again, Biko, a perfect square is one that is made up of two equal integers like 25 (5*5). But soon you slowly realize that marriage is like Pi, I assure you, you can divide 22 by 7 all your life and you will never get a pattern to the digits and it keeps going as long as you keep doing it. [I can’t imagine dividing 22 by 7 my whole life.] What this means is that there is no one way to do marriage, no pattern, and both bad and good behaviours continue as long as you keep enabling them.

He was jobless in all of our first year of marriage and it slowly became more and more difficult to make ends meet. Enter his mom. His mom felt that the reason we were struggling is because we lived in an expensive house. When we got married, he moved into my house. I had been living there for a year before the wedding and it didn’t make sense to me that now we were two of us and the house was all of a sudden expensive. She really piled on the pressure and I was adamant.  I didn’t want to move. I felt like I was lowering my standards. He also had become very picky. I am very connected in the business world and I would call in favors and my contacts would ask me to tell him to send his CV and he just wouldn’t do it. He would claim he either didn’t like the company or some other reason and end up not applying. Eventually, we gave into the pressure by his mom, and I, trying to be a submissive wife, agreed for us to move into his mom’s house. She had a big house. Massive. It was like we were not even there. I knew this was a bad move, but I was so worn out by the nagging and the noise it just made sense to let go.

He got a job that same week we moved, and had to move down to the coast. I lived in Nairobi because I had school and my business which now really needed me to put in more effort as we were rapidly expanding! It finally seemed like we were finding a way to be happy again. This was the second year in our marriage. I had moved out of his mom’s place and was living in between Nairobi and the coast. I would go to see him when work wasn’t tight but he actually never would make an effort to come see me. His reason was that he was so busy in his important job that he couldn’t make it to travel. I never complained, I travelled when I could and continued keeping my business running. It was growing, I was getting awards left, right and centre. I was a winning boss babe. Kicking ass at work with a seemingly perfect life, but my marriage was falling apart and I was too embarrassed to speak about it.

As the months passed, so did the sleuth of women we had to keep fighting about. Incidentally, it never actually occurred to me to leave him, we would fight and I would forgive him, and we would move on. Then another woman would pop up. Our marriage was like a teen riddled with pubescent zits, you pop one, it oozes pus, leaves a scar and then another one forms. It was turbulent. But it made sense to be together. We had a plan. We were forever type us, and so you don’t blow up a whole life plan based on a few infidelities.

I caught him once with some used condoms, he said they were to give himself a prostate massage. [I will Google this later]. I didn’t believe him and I told him as much. So he proceeded to ghost me for a month. By ghost I mean, he wouldn’t talk to me, call me or anything. [Please, we know what ghosting is]. His parents had to intervene for him to talk to me. 

I thought marriage was supposed to be hard, like a math test that you haven’t prepared for. So just like math, I studied books, and tried different techniques including the secrets of fascinating womanhood, and let me tell you right now, that book is a scam. Hahaha. I tried to ace this exam but I kept falling short. I believed there must be something I am not doing right and despite all my effort solving for and analyzing y (the magical variable leading to happy marriages) I couldn’t figure it out. I was failing at this and I am not used to failing at things. [Thank goodness you didn’t try the x. Ha-ha

In June 2018, I went for a doctor’s checkup. I was having extreme headaches and was feeling lethargic. I was constantly exhausted and didn’t have the energy to even get out of bed. The doctor said I was fine and the only issue he had identified was that I was underweight. I weighed 49kg. He asked me if I was under stress or if I was suffering from depression and to me the suggestion was incredulous at best. I had been feeling a bit upset. Jude had ghosted me for a month because I had attended my cousin’s birthday and ended up coming home rather late. He wasn’t even at home at the time, he hadn’t been home in weeks. I am the one who had told him that I went home late, and he decided that he was upset and would not speak to me. So that was the only thing bothering me, but really couldn’t use the word stressed or depressed.

I went home, meal plan in hand, determined to get my weight up to a healthy 55kg which the doc had said was most ideal. The docs words had me really worried. Could I be depressed or stressed? I have kept a journal every day for a really long time, probably five years. And I decided to just go through my journals to see what could have been streams of consciousness that I hadn’t paid attention to. My journals opened up my eyes to something I had never considered before, that I was living in an abusive marriage. The constant cheating. You know, strange things would happen to me whilst I was down at the coast, strangers would greet me as Judes wife, reminding me where I met them, and I would play along knowing full well that it wasn’t me. Most prolific scandal was where he had our friend visit us, though she was staying in his friend’s villa. Our friend also happened to be working for me at the time, so I never suspected a thing. Turns out they were adding the bed, subtracting their clothes and dividing legs the whole time and I was none the wiser. When I asked him about it, he ghosted me for two months. [That’s it, I’m naming this piece; The Tall Ghost.] He didn’t come home or speak to me, and even went as far as closing my bank account, and changing all my email and social media passwords. It took the intervention of my parents for him to cede the passwords to my social media accounts and re-add me as a signatory to the bank account.

I wanted children. We had a plan, start trying for a baby in year two. I went for my pre-prenatal treatments. My sister took me to the ob/gyn to get my coil removed. That process is dreadful. They crank you open like a jack raises your car when you have a puncture. But it was worth it because we were going to have babies. I love babies! My plan was intact. When I told him the coil was out and we were now going to multiply and fill the earth, he was not hearing any of it because he said he wasn’t ready to be a father. He completely stopped talking to me and for the three weeks we were together he would not even hug me. Dejected I came back to Nairobi and my sister had to take me back to the doctor to get the coil put back. That was the last time we ever discussed babies. It was a tricky topic. I was so strung out by the fighting and I had zero energy left.

I could see so clearly from my writing a pattern of verbal abuse. He would constantly remind me that I wasn’t good enough, that his mom would have preferred someone else, that he did me a favor marrying me choosing me over many prettier women, that I was a bad wife etc. In his eyes, I never did anything right. He would look at my pictures where I was in makeup and tell me that I looked unattractive, he didn’t want me going to the salon or getting my nails done because he thought that women that did that were unattractive bimbos and to be an important person you really shouldn’t spend time or money on outward appearance. He refused to attend a gala dinner where I was getting awarded because he said to me that “other women who had done much better than me were not getting awards so it was pointless to even be happy about this award.” I almost didn’t attend but my friends dragged me there kicking and screaming, feeling like an impostor.

I was paying all the bills despite him having a significantly higher income than I did. And yet, I was not enough. The books, to him, remained unbalanced. [I love this sentence.] We never travelled because it made him “sick”, we didn’t visit with friends because he liked his space, we didn’t talk about our problems to anyone because he liked his privacy, I couldn’t go shopping because it was not on the budget and besides, I wasn’t curvy enough for the clothes I wanted anyway. Everything I had done since I met this man was for him. And yet, it was not enough. I was not enough. I was never going to be enough. I was a proper fraction, more than zero but always less than one. It’s actually interesting that “improper” fractions are more than 1. It feels like it should be the other way round. 

Reading my past journal entries broke my heart. It occured to me that I had been so unhappy and so alone in the marriage. I realized I had put up with so many despicable things that went against my core belief system. My unhappiness needed to be solved. I needed to find a way to break this cycle. My body was shutting down and I needed to run. The first thing I learned about abusive marriages is how destructive they are, and as a victim, you do not need to wait for people’s validation or approval to save yourself!

I packed my things and I moved houses. I left him. It surprised me that I had the courage to leave. At the time I thought it was temporary, that we would figure out a way to solve the issues and get back to ticking the boxes on our perfect plan. Divorce wasn’t in the plan, so I knew sooner or later we had to figure out a way to make it work.

Then the parents got involved, and we tried counselling, but the more these efforts were made, the deeper the problems went and the further apart we fell. It became apparent to me that in African society and from a christian standpoint, the man can do no wrong. That when the marriage ends, it’s the woman’s fault. Why didn’t she “vumilia”? And “Is she the first to be cheated on or abused?” Other than my doting parents, everyone else was focussed on how horrible it is for a woman to leave her husband as opposed to what the husband actually did to deserve being left. On one occasion during what was supposed to be a mediation meeting, his mom said  that “God” had told her that the reason the marriage wasn’t working was because we weren’t virgins, and “God” also told her that her son was not cheating and had never cheated. [This god is a wingman]. That for me solved the equation and final formula was To leave > To stay. I could not withstand this clownery anymore.

I filed for divorce and – a year later – on 8th October 2019 I went to court. I sat anxiously on the court bench waiting for my turn in the dock. It wasn’t different from the three other times I have been here, but on this day I was anxious, it was judgement day. The judge looked at me pitifully as I walked up the small step, she actually looked pretty defeated. That day, instead of reading her judgement she asked me to approach her bench, next to the clerk, she gave me a typed piece of paper and said, “You are young, start over.” In my hands was the divorce order. It’s what you use to get the divorce certificate. I walked out of court. I was prepared to fall apart but I felt so free, for the first time in a long time I felt like I could breath, you know like how you would feel if a rock was lifted off of your chest. But I also felt sad. Like I was an integer and someone just cube rooted me. A big part of me was over and gone. 

Divorce interrupted my plan. I used to believe that you make your own destiny, you have to really push and grind to steer your life in a certain logical direction, that you cannot fail if you plan and that sticking to the plan is more important than how you feel. Now, I am a strong believer in keeping your mind open to the possibilities, focusing on your overall happiness and contentment first,  allowing oneself to experience a bit of randomness, and most importantly, never to lose oneself during the execution of any life plan.

It is interesting to note that from the day I left that man, to the day the court ruled we were divorced, he never once spoke to me or called me to see how I was doing. The other day I realized, I do not actually know when the friendship ended, when our love story equation stopped making sense or even when he decided I was not worth it. And I guess this will remain unsolved like Riemann’s Hypothesis. Three years from that beautiful wedding day, I am still a kickass boss lady and he is still a tall handsome math geek with crooked teeth and good arms but we’re not together any more. We’re now like i (not a real number). 

I have been wondering what is the number of true love? Some people say it is 3 because God is woven in with 2 strands aka two humans, some say it is 2 because it takes 2 to tango, and 1 + 1 is 2. But I think it is 1. You love yourself.

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443 Comments
  1. But soon you slowly realize that marriage is like Pi, I assure you, you can divide 22 by 7 all your life and you will never get a pattern to the digits and it keeps going as long as you keep doing it. [I can’t imagine dividing 22 by 7 my whole life.] What this means is that there is no one way to do marriage, no pattern, and both bad and good behaviours continue as long as you keep enabling them.

    Apt.

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    1. Because society starting from their own parents made it look like an achievement to them and they refuse to see the reality of things

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    2. I think what you mean to ask is, why does society impose the ideal on women that marriage is a journey they must undertake, and that you have to stay in it even when it’s not working for you.
      Young women only reflect what we have said to them, teach them as they grow up, give them as standards.
      Sadly, by the time they come to a realization that marriage is not an achievement, it might be too late for them.

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    3. Well we women are ever told to grow up and be good wives. Does the same happen to men? Men are told to go and make money, go achieve. Us well, look at most successful women, arent they labelled? Amekalia bwana yake, …hata ndio maana aliachwa, nani ataweza kukaa na mwanamke kama huyo! No, let’s love ourselves first ladies. Let no one keep you in a bad marriage or relationship.

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    4. Nobody thinks it’s an achievement, everybody just thinks love has to culminate to marriage. Don’t be harsh, it’s ingrained in people by the society and the Bible and pictured as the ultimate happy ending. It’s just that nowadays people are sh*t and the good people always get screwed

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    5. It is not just young women. It is men and women. People are in love with the IDEA of marriage. Having a man/woman in the house + holidays as a family + Children + relas bent on marrying you off X (bleuh bleuh bleuh. BLEUH) is a constant = BOREDMASS. Hata mimi najua hesabu

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    6. How is this your take out from such a solid read. Not even written by Biko but right up there in terms of fabulous story telling in awesome prose of a clearly very intelligent mind.

      Nkt.

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    7. Because, Son, the patriarchy made the rules and crafted the society they grew up in. They do not know any better, neither do the people and clowns looking on.

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    8. Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong. I admire women know how to walk away and not prove to be fools by going back to the same shit.

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    9. “I will ask again, why do these young girls think that marriage is an achievement?” Response: “Why is it that the first thing most men and society ask women from a certain age is whether she is married or when they will get married or why arent they married yet or what is wrong that you havent met someone yet or are you choosy that no man can stand you or……….?” This is not to support or defend certain decisions made, as at the end of the day, we are solely responsible for our decisions and individually face the consequences, painfully so. But as part of other people’s lives, what have we done, said or not done or gone unsaid that has supported/enabled some of these unhealthy/abusive decisions? For sure, it is easier to wonder or even judge than offer a solution or be the good Samaritan. Also, not many people are strong-head enough not to yield to pressures of life, like marriage or otherwise. So Joe, please share your opinion, “I will ask again, why do these young girls think that marriage is an achievement?”

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      1. In life there is a normal curve.It’s not there to assure you of a good living but to increase the possibilities of having one. It is unfortunate that our generation is fixated on the outcome of a good marriage but blind to what builds that good marriage and our modern lifestyle is not helping either in preparing future partners.We should not condemn the institution of Marriage because some are failing nor should we suffer in bad ones. So yes,marriage is an achievement but not everybody need that kind of achievement.

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    10. Because traditionally ,women are wired to go to school,meet someone,get married ,have children and live happily ever after………..but I believe happiness is more important.Afterall we are all sojourners…who wants to live the world unhappy

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  2. those who are wondering what Riemann hypothesis is, its a conjecture that the Riemann zeta function has its zeros only at the negative even integers and complex numbers with a real part. Many consider it to be the most important unsolved problem in pure mathematics

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  3. Am I the only one who found this story very disjointed? Despite all the math, the timelines do not add up. My hypothesis is that this was written by a male aspiring writer, who unfortunately is studying Statistics or Pure Math at UON.

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    1. You’re not the only one, two years from Friday 9th January 2014 was a Sunday..
      Apart from this, I think the story is quite eye opening into marriage life.

      1. I noticed that too. Actually, 9th Jan 2016 did indeed fall on a Saturday. However, 9th Jan 2014 was a Thursday; therein lies the error.

  4. In mathematics, Euler’s identity is the equality where e is Euler’s number, the base of natural logarithms, i is the imaginary unit, which by definition satisfies i² = −1, and π is pi, the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. Euler’s identity is named after the Swiss mathematician Leonhard Eule

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  5. First reader and commentor! That guy before me just commented! Moving on… I like this chic, hey she embolishes the true meaning of our neural capacity is like the stars in this our multiverse… May she find growth beyond ur banks 2% lending rates… To true Ugandan 22% healthy growth rates…

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  6. “I have been wondering what is the number of true love? Some people say it is 3 because God is woven in with 2 strands aka two humans, some say it is 2 because it takes 2 to tango, and 1 + 1 is 2. But I think it is 1. You love yourself.” Herein lies the gospel. Love yourself, everything else after that makes sense.

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  7. I absolutely loved this piece. I agree the number of true love is 1. ( Felt like I was in a math class all over again chei).

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  8. Sigh! Here I was thinking my life is messy because I don’t plan enough. I wish you happiness and contentment. Whatever form it comes in.

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  9. Wow!
    This story had me getting all sorts of emotions.
    I was constantly rolling my eyes at the many equations because I don’t like Math.

    Isn’t it interesting how you can move from being someone’s best friend to being ghosted?
    Talking of ghosting, people who ghost other people are the most immature people in this world. Gosh. It angered me that he would ghost her for so long yet they were married.(not to mean that it would have been okay if they were not married. Ghosting in relationships, friendships, marriages, businesses is IMMATURE. If you’re unhappy or hurt about something, you speak about it. Not ghosting (eye roll))

    I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. But I’m so happy that you made the decision to leave.
    I wish you happiness

    PS: Turns out they were adding the bed, subtracting their clothes and dividing legs the whole time and I was none the wiser.
    This had me laughing.
    The mom claiming that the marriage was not working because they were not virgins was also funny and senseless

    118
    1. Hahaha seems we were going through same emotions.. The math equations and all connected ( rolling eyes again) haha but the part on adding beds, subtracting clothes and dividing the legs.. Didn’t see that coming.. Lols for days!!!

      And yeah, ghosting in relationships whatever kind to me, is a sign of immaturity.. I have walked that immature path and it’s toxic.. Doesn’t help anyone.

      I am glad though she got to that self love. May bliss be upon her

      9
    2. “PSA: Ghosting in relationships, friendships, marriages, businesses is IMMATURE. If you’re unhappy or hurt about something, you speak about it. Not ghosting (eye roll))”
      You must have attended one of the Rotary sessions, spoken to All those IMMATURE beings out there…️️️

      13
    3. I think it matters the context within which you are ghosting someone. This tall guy was outright immature. But i have ghosted people who i felt were toxic to me and no amount of talking through it would make them realize that. Or people who are abusive and i perceive, a threat to my life. Sometimes i pick ghosting over communication.

      5
  10. She’s amazing. A strue standpoint of loving yourself first at all times. Most women don’t have the courage to get a divorce. They just stay put in the name of kuvumilia. I love her courage. That à doctor asked the right question drove her to the inevitable that her body was speaking through out.

    10
  11. This story has a nice flow. Like an Indian sari in the wind. Gold flecks and jewels shining everywhere, sounding like several wind chimes. Or the clink of a champagne flute. Bhangra music in the air. You feel like doing a choreographed number when you read this. It reminds me of that Pussy Cat Dolls song – Jai Ho. I love that song. And I loved this story.

    Up till Euler’s Identity. That’s where things go horribly horribly wrong.
    Luckily, I have a background in math. Not a lot but enough to follow the rest of the story.

    Jude is an ass.

    That is all.
    Have a nice day.

    134
  12. Wow, what a great tale. Women who excel at planning and logic tend to get let down by life. As a recovering planner, I’ve learned to be comfortable in uncertainty and choose myself everyday. You will love again but first, love yourself, love your present and forgive yourself for the past. I wish you a beautiful freedom.

    42
  13. The “vumiliaring”, the plans, oh my I feel her on the plan. That Life plan is a scam, because Life is full of curveballs. She finally figured out what love is, the love of self. Jude is a narcissist. Period!
    Glad this ends with a woman who found herself again before she turned bitter. Like the other one from last weeks Emperor is Naked story.

    20
  14. [Thank goodness you didn’t try the x. Ha-ha]
    I don’t think there’s ever been a cornier, daddier joke than that up there. I damn near stopped reading. I went ‘aaarrghh’ out loud in a matatu. I rolled my eyes so hard they got stuck inside my head for a second. I found my mouth opened, yawning without realizing it. But I’m glad I stuck through because despite the many math references (who likes math that much? (I am bitter because I was married to math and he slept with everyone else but me)) the ending was nice. The equation made sense. Love yourself enough to realize when someone does not deserve you. I am surprised at people like that guy with the nice arms and crooked teeth: what does he think of himself when he looks in the mirror? Does he realize he is toxic or does he think ge is God’s gift to the world like his mun so clearly thinks? Honestly I would like a story from the point of view of an unrepentant cheat and/or abuser so that I know how they live with themselves while inflicting so much poison on others

    48
    1. Same here i ask myself several times what goes through a mind of a cheater do they even realize how hurtful their actions are to their partner and why do they repeat it time and again.

      6
  15. I love planning myself but I am learning that life is not always weaved in a plan. It is some sort of obsession to have to plan everything and am glad she learnt that before it was too late.

    1
  16. Love Yourself!!! Thats it!!

    I’m glad she set herself free and opened herself to new possibilities.

    Note to self (And other women too) :

    1. If he shows the signs before you are married, (sijui flirty sexts, ama verbal or physical abuse), just run.. don’t even stretch or look for running gear – take off like a bullet.. Whether he did it just once or multiple times!! Love yourself and run!!!

    2. While family is important, love yourself enough to know when your boundaries are being crossed.. ( Im still in shock at that mother in law)

    3. God is not a wing man for wrong doing… Neither is he a one sided wing man… If he shows someone something about you, He will give you conviction over the very same something if you dilligently seek Him..
    Also side note : May no one ever use God and religion to oppress you!

    75
  17. Wow, that is one of the strongest endings I have come across in a while; the wealth of introspection reflected by the closing paragraph alone is wow… Ps. 1st comment of the day, victory dance happening here.

    3
  18. I did not fail maths. But the moment you start theorising numbers and explaining words, I want to cry. I feel so dumb. But this piece….all the maths genius could no solve the issues. Start afresh.

    3
  19. Well,me and Maths can’t spend time with each other so all the formulas here,I got nothing.
    But this hit deep: I have been wondering what is the number of true love? Some people say it is 3 because God is woven in with 2 strands aka two humans, some say it is 2 because it takes 2 to tango, and 1 + 1 is 2. But I think it is 1. You love yourself.

    1
  20. Thank you for this…I cried while reading this …I have a kinda similar story but mine was 9 years(lots of emotional abuse then spiralled to physical)…I left 2 years and it broke me the fact that I am not married anymore. I have a daughter and she makes me happy…just that her two last names remind me of her father who is just the worst in this world. Should I change her names I haven’t decided yet! Sometimes I get overwhelmed taking care of my baby plus work plus school plus side hustle a plus extended family but I try to keep my head up…i breakdown sometimes but I really do. This thing called marriage nowadays is a hoax and I don’t know what happened to it. Only God can intervene…but as I have learned you need to learn to love yourself first always!!

    83
  21. I used to believe that you make your own destiny, you have to really push and grind to steer your life in a certain logical direction, that you cannot fail if you plan and that sticking to the plan is more important than how you feel. Now, I am a strong believer in keeping your mind open to the possibilities, focusing on your overall happiness and contentment first, allowing oneself to experience a bit of randomness, and most importantly, never to lose oneself during the execution of any life plan.

    6
  22. If you have two soccer teams and seven fish/loaves of bread/Pies – & are Jesus- one can keep dividing 22/7 into Infinity … 🙂 ( now I know why I plugged Math). :-))

    6
  23. This lady makes me want to love numbers… Beautifully written… My take from this, to always be my own number 1 and strive to be a kickass boss babe .I’m glad she got herself out of that ungrateful situation and that with time she finds her perfect square. ❤

    9
  24. Wow, I love the mathematical story it is.
    I need my journal back, this life can rob you and sell you to a foreign land, turning point can find you in Jamaica farming yet you are a scientist.
    I am extremely happy for her, I love stories of freedom. That Jude guy only had nice arms and chocolate skin nothing more. I so feel her, abusive marriage kills before one dies.

    11
  25. Whoa! The lesson? Take baby steps before getting into a life commitment. I don’t know.
    “Love God and He will enable you to love others even when they disappoint you”

    6
  26. Reminds me of myself. Why the hell can’t in laws especially moms, give people a chance to build their marriages? Anyway, love for oneself is what matters. Am glad she got out of the toxic bubble.

    2
  27. Beautiful peace for those of us that love maths. I’m sorry for what you went through. The number of true love is and will forever be 1.

    1
  28. “We were as perfect as 6 the number. Biko, a perfect number is a positive integer that is equal to the sum of its positive divisors excluding itself. 6 has 3 divisors 1,2,3. Their sum is 6. [For chrissake]That is very easy to remember!”

    This!!
    Integers!

  29. Unfortunately once a cheater always a cheater … I have noticed these type of dudes are also very emotionally manipulative.
    I wont throw stones because I bet its hurt manifesting this way. But as for me and my house we will stay very far away from such.

    14
  30. Am so glad you walked out of that toxic marriage. The mistake most women do is listening to the society about sticking to the man/marriage and praying that it works, just so as to retain the ‘married’ title. If it does not work just step kubwa kubwa and life goes on.

    1
  31. Great piece, brilliantly written and spiced up by some mathematical facts. But sadly with not a very happy ending.
    I thought Riemann’s Hypothesis was solved?

    1
  32. I have noticed that the Women and Marriage series has more sad endings than the Men and Marriage one. In fact, I dare say that no woman featured in this story has had a happy ending or happy life. If its not one infecting her ‘whatever’ with HIV, it’s another one married to a wizard read (delusional man) or the other who has achieved everything that she no longer has any idea where she is headed that she fantasies about cheating on her husband… I don’t get it

    5
  33. Nowadays i find marriage involves a lot of hard work more so for the woman, who society beleives should be selfless in order for it to work. Ladies love yourself first. Hellyne

    1
  34. You have to admire her prowess in writing and her grasp of math to build the story. I however, feel that compared to the men’s series our sisters are giving us a raw deal….could we break the rules and have the men’s series resume for at least a month we end the year in ‘style?’

    4
  35. I never ever skip through a line or paragraph in any of Biko’s stories.
    Never.
    Today I did because the math analogies here were just too much. Otherwise the story is fine and encourages all those trapped in unhappy relationships that there is life after whatever hell they are going through..

    3
  36. Now, I am a strong believer in keeping your mind open to the possibilities, focusing on your overall happiness and contentment first, allowing oneself to experience a bit of randomness, and most importantly, never to lose oneself during the execution of any life plan. Well put…

    2
  37. Sometimes I wish we’d all have a barcode on our foreheads where you can scan and the verdict pops out “S/He ain’t shit.” Human beings can really be skewed. Why mistreat someone and you clearly know that you don’t want to be with them? I’d like to know how these fuckers think and why they think the way the do.

    I’m glad Miss Geek over here got out sooner rather than later. Wishing you well. Love and Light.

    16
  38. Women’s married life is so unfair to them. They do all they can to make it work but the men are working as harder to break them. This marriage thing is a lie, pure fallacy and a burden to women. ALL men CHEAT. I used to think its just a cliche but it is the BIGGEST truth on this Earth. Is marriage really ordained by GOD? Is it a mission impossible?

    6
    1. Men cheat, with who? Women. Women who even know their wives… where’s the lie?? She clearly stated that one of the ladies worked for her. Who takes the blame, women or men. Let us not forget that some of these ladies personally seduce these men. I’m not defending these men, it’s sick, what they do, but there’s a bigger picture to it,and it makes it even worse. The world is just rotten, both men and women are equally evil. If you are lucky to have true love around you, appreciate it.

      6
      1. “Men cheat, with who? Women. Women who even know their wives… where’s the lie?? She clearly stated that one of the ladies worked for her.“
        Enough said.

        1
  39. “I caught him once with used condoms and he said they were for prostrate massage”
    Real chap that one.

    I think that lady messed when she set to herself that she could never date a guy she couldn’t marry, and as we can see in my first quote statement, who is our guy not to say no?

    Lady, that was great english for a math geek.

    2
  40. What a read! I learnt some concepts in math I hadn’t heard of for sure although I have already forgotten all the formulae!
    Quick question for you Mr. Biko though, would the lady have been a graduand of one of your “Writing Masterclasses?”
    Anyhow, a lot of the things we are socialised to believe, growing up – like, you can create or make your own destiny – are anything but reality. Is it possible you can’t be anything you want, after all?
    At the end of the day, if it’s too good to be true, it probably is! The guy was perfect – in her eyes at least! The reality is, nothing, no one is perfect and if you find one or something seemingly so, it is only masquerading as perfect! For if indeed it is perfect, it shall surely cease to be so if you touch it, so leave it as it is/where you find it, lest you ruin it for you are not perfect!
    Lastly, don’t malign Christianity! People misrepresent God. It is not true that in the eyes of Christianity, the man can do no wrong! Not true, at all. Lady, you are easily the smartest woman we have been introduced to in this forum, thanks to Biko – even if you choose to remain anonymous, interrogate God Himself, even mathematically or statistically if you want! You will be surprised, He speaks your language and you might discover that perhaps half the things you have heard people claim He said or wants, He never did nor wants!

    25
    1. Am with you on this.

      If it’s perfect or perceived to be perfect, then by the very fact of your indulgence you make it imperfect; because you are not.

      Also, the point on God; too many people have misrepresented God and you just need to interrogate it for yourself. I heard someone say,
      “Another man’s husband can not be God’s answer to your prayer.” So true.

      4
  41. Why am i so glad that there was no child involved, it would have complicated her whole equation. She deserves so much better. It is well girl.

    28
  42. Woah! There goes the calculus lesson.
    Anyway, I feel it’s best to try. We’ll never know what’s best or what’s unfit for us if we never try.
    Cheers to all kick-ass women.

  43. But the cracks started to appear early in the marriage. Murphy’s law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and boy, wrong and his whole clan moved into our house. 

    3
  44. For someone who repels at the sight of numbers other than those on my Bank statement this was beautifully written Biko. Also, she is right no one ever asks what the man did, it’s always kwani she thinks other men won’t cheat. Love and light to her honorable Judge was right also she is young and can start over thank God no kids were bore out of that situationship.

    6
  45. Marriage surely !! That one was short.. am glad she left before she was shred into pieces and not recognize herself after ten or so years … follow the judges idea ,you are young .phew glad you did not listen to the mother in love.
    Aaa I but the mathematics in the story- head spinner

    1
  46. Glad she is out of that situation. That wasn’t even marriage! Marriage is honorable is not for immature men and women like Jude. Shine bright like a diamond now sweet mathematician!
    Nobody should withstand being disrespected; even in a friendship; SPEAK OUT till you OUT forever!

    2
  47. Whoa! One of my fave storos in the marriage series!
    Love how she’s kept me flying by the coattails as she weaves in her analysis of their marriage into some mathematical calculations.
    On ground, such stories add to the the terror I feel about settling down. There’s no nudge to take the leap, it confirms that men are a difficult lot and it takes alot of kissing frogs before you land your prince..but who on earth has the time to sift and sieve? I will leave that to millenials..and I will be profoundly content in my single status. For one it provides freedom. No asking permission to go anywhere, no nursing broken hearts endlessly when some male specie has ghosted you, no dealing with mum-in-law demands…and yada yada, the list is endless. A motivational speaker said you gotsta love from the saucer, from the overflow, and not from your full cup. That has become my mantra.

    16
    1. “you gotsta love from the saucer, from the overflow, and not from your full cup.” That right there is something I love. Being single is so beautiful and I love everything moment of it= No Drama.

      5
  48. That moment she suddenly woke up to realize she had been putting up with so much b.s. Tall ghost grow up! How do you get mad at someone getting home late yet you don’t bother to even visit your home. It’s sad when you give so much in a relationship and the other person doesn’t even make an effort instead all you do is never enough, it’s heart breaking. I’m glad she woke up and never looked back regardless of societal expectations and pls stop pressuring yourself with those timelines & plans. Wish you the very best

    3
  49. Ala Biko… This came in early- no, I am not complaining, asante. I am in Mali, 3 hours behind Kenyan time …. I feel sooo good to have read this at 8am before my work emails! The mahesabus here though…. To leave > To stay. You love yourself….I wish her love and happiness and that she can always know she is enough, lovable enough, beautiful enough, smart enough etc…

    2
  50. ” I am a strong believer in keeping your mind open to the possibilities, focusing on your overall happiness and contentment first, allowing oneself to experience a bit of randomness, and most importantly, never to lose oneself during the execution of any life plan.”

    1
  51. I completely feel this young lady and congratulate her for doing her maths and taking an early exit. What was not meant to be, can never be. This man had a gem.

  52. Wow….just wow,this was a great read kick ass boss lady…I feel like you and Dr Sheldon Cooper would have lunch and talk calculus and be laughing all about it.

    2
  53. Everything I had done since I met this man was for him. And yet, it was not enough. I was not enough. I was never going to be enough. I was a proper fraction, more than zero but always less than one.

    Pow!!! Girl you got yourself one narcissistic man. Abusers who do no wrong in the eyes of their family and friends because they appear so nice and calm and perhaps even soft spoken.

    Glad you got your wings to fly! Love yourself. You never know what lies ahead.

    To the wrong one, you’ll never do right. And to the right one, you’re human as he is so there is no focus on wrongs.

    Hugs xxx

    4
  54. An interesting read at 3 AM New York Time. This lady and and I have one thing in common, we turn 30 next year and that’s a big deal. I would say her twenties weren’t as fulfilling, but her thirties are promising.

    9
  55. Of all the articles I’ve read from You, this sounds like your student or clown…she writes just like You!
    Oh wow maths is beautiful

    3
  56. Abused people have to get out themselves. Its their initiative to do so and don’t blame other people for not supporting you. Many are times you point out abuse to a person but they stick it out and even call you an enemy of progress. Or they leave then come back and label you the enemy.

    1
  57. What a piece! Boss lady can write!

    “It is interesting to note that from the day I left that man, to the day the court ruled we were divorced, he never once spoke to me or called me to see how I was doing. The other day I realized, I do not actually know when the friendship ended, when our love story equation stopped making sense or even when he decided I was not worth it. And I guess this will remain unsolved like Riemann’s Hypothesis.” Story of my life , but if this is is the price for my freedom and happiness its all wort it.

    In the words of Whitney Houston “The greatest love of all is learning to love yourself”. And so am with you on the number of love being one, because when you love yourself then you set a standard on how to be loved and treated , unfortunately I learnt this after shortchanging myself for so long but bottom line is i learnt.

    Love and light you boss lady , remember the beauty of a rock bottom the only way to go is up. Keep soaring keep smiling you deserve better!

    6
  58. ‘People who just met talk about stuff – it is the nothingness and the lack of specificity about important subjects that makes people decide if they like each other’s company’.

    I like that the number of true love is 1.
    Best piece I’ve read in a while.

    2
  59. For many people, there are few things more rewarding than crossing an item off a checklist. “Relationshopping” is when we hunt for the perfect partner as if people were products. When it comes to our heads, it is comprised of knowledge, facts. But there is a difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is facts, raw and undebated. Wisdom is knowing what to do with that knowledge. It’s a blend of emotion and logic. Some things aren’t so cut and dry, black and white. Our hearts and heads speak different languages, but they’re both trying to guide us. It’s up to us to know how to listen to them both and make a wise choice.
    None of us are perfect at it. But the more we do this, and learn to trust ourselves, the easier it gets. And we will slowly start to see we need not neglect one or the other entirely, both our hearts and your heads can serve us.

    5
  60. I fee like chanting!!
    Free at last, Nelson Mandela
    Bring back hope to Soweto…

    Anyway, marriage will and shall never be a yardstick of measuring success. We all are equal before God’s eyes and shall remain to be so cometh rainfall cometh sunshine.
    Let the blame find its true bearer when marriage decides to show up one morning dysfunctional.

    3
  61. BIKO!!!!… This one right here is the freshest read so far.

    I love formulas and this lady has done justice to her story. For every formula there was a click in my brain meaning I understood.

    Well, life is fluid and you gotta ride the waves otherwise you’ll drown. She did well to keep a Journal. Some Mothers in law can be monsters and manipulative if they don’t like the choice of spouse.

    The best part of it all, the number of love is 1…you gotta love yourself first before Loving another person.

    The judge… Awesome person… Slipping a note reaffirming the lady, giving her confidence and strength to move on..

    May she continue soaring like an eagle way above the clouds, the storms, Societal expectations etc and most of all, May you FORMULA GIRL find peace. As the wind changes direction without warning, may you find true love. May your Soul Mate Angel find you coz you deserve another shot at Love.

    6
  62. I read this story and it was an eye and mind opener. I am also a rigid planner and I do everything in a Mathematical manner. Towards the end of the story when she said, ” if you plan and that sticking to the plan is more important than how you feel.”
    This made a lot of sense!
    Great read.

    1
  63. At some point where she started feeling abused and never left I felt so angry because I do not believe women should stay in abusive marriages whatsoever.
    Kwanza she had no babies to tie her down which is what women use as an excuse of never leaving abusive marriages.

    Lets learn to love ourselves and stop trying to make things work when evidently they won’t. Self love muhimu.

    2
  64. Beautiful read, Its just sad how life turns out sometimes in regards to us acknowledging where and when to draw the line in abusive relationships/any other uncomfortable situations.
    The society expects us to be strong and stand such challenging situations for a price of (praise and acceptance into adulthood)
    Who then will give a chance to all to act by our mental assessments of the situations on the ground without being labeled as failures, weak and this and that.

    1
  65. Omg all the mathematical talk had my head spinning.
    Poor lady stayed in the marriage as expected for so long yet the husband had since left a while back.
    I am glad in the end she decided in the end to love herself.

  66. I love this woman. How she managed to marry Math and Literature and keep us glued all through her story is magical. I love her. Tell her that. And I’m glad that after all this she is still badass, still winning. ❤

    11
  67. As a statistician, this was interesting. I love how she understands her maths. To the rest, take heart guys.

    “You are young, start over”.
    Wow, it’s never too late.

  68. Always important to know when enough is enough . Just can’t understand what happened to friendship here. They were like the best friends at some point.
    And yes, ghosting is like the most immature behavior in any relationship.

    4
  69. That day, instead of reading her judgement she asked me to approach her bench, next to the clerk, she gave me a typed piece of paper and said, “You are young, start over.” Sigh! Freedom is coming tomorrow!

    5
  70. I had my first real relationship at 19. I had just joined university and i fell hopelessly in love with a man 7 years older than I am. I could never be enough for him. The gaslighting, the cheating, the verbal and sometimes physical abuse! Wueh! No I didn’t marry him. I finally got some sense, learnt my lesson and left. But I know my running away from BS relationships has nothing to do with my being a Kalenjin babe.

    5
  71. I am not sure, but check it out you could have been married to a narcissist. Just check videos on youtube and read literature on narcissistic marriage or relationships. That is why you have so many questions about the relationship because there are things you cannot understand about your own marriage. It consisted of a lot of emotional abuse and if you look back you will see a pattern to these abuse. Most likely the abuse were premeditated/planned. He watched you within the marriage and then acted in ways to abuse you. Maybe, even if you look keenly the praise or the love you had were really manipulation to get you to act a certain way. Once he married you he had reached the peak with you, and he lost interest. You became what is known as “supply”. That is why your first year of marriage was hell. It did not matter what you did, you could not please him. He drained all your energy.

    6
  72. But I think its 1. You love yourself.

    Honestly though what an ass…he probably doesn’t have the guts to call because he got divorced. Him the person who was Perfect got left. I think in his mind it never quite occurred to him that anyone would leave him. Cheating fascinates me as much as it angers me because as soon as you unearth a new woman ..it stops. They stop,their relationship ends and the He again goes back to the pool and gets something new after you find out. I always wonder what was the plan? They would run around behind your back,making a fool of you until they get bored or??

    1
  73. Giiiiirrrrllll!!! I am SO SO glad you got out of that toxic ass marriage!!!

    Halafu ladies, I think it’s time we start being as selfish as these men. No more kuvumilia, oooohhh things will get better, oooohhh maybe I’ll change him. Tulisema kitu tunabadilisha ni diapers za watoto pekee. Nonsense!!!

    11
  74. Still trying to figure out how a woman of her calibre could allow a man turn her i to his foot stool…. Or a door mat. This woman is thomed…… Mathafu-wise. Completely unmatched. Any way, let me first deal with twa twa then I’ll fathom this. Ha! Biko!!

    4
  75. First of all, she writes beautifully (in case you come across this, please start a blog, write a book or something) just don’t let this talent go to waste.

    Secondly, you did the right thing by walking away from such a man, he didn’t deserve you.

    Thirdly, there’s always time. Start afresh, you still have a second chance at marriage. The advantage that you have is that this time you will get into it wiser.

    Fourthly, love yourself. Men really love themselves,but for some reason we women struggle to love ourselves. So love yourself. Take yourself out on those trips you would have wanted to go with him but he was too ‘sick’ to travel (what a selfish man he is!)
    Girl, LIVE!!!!

    10
  76. This part is everything “Three years from that beautiful wedding day, I am still a kickass boss lady and he is still a tall handsome math geek with crooked teeth and good arms but we’re not together any more. We’re now like i (not a real number). “

    2
  77. Sad to realize a life plan one has may not ever materialize, and open mindedness is the way to go.
    I love that she loves Mathematics.

  78. Trust me that’s the best decision you ever made over your life. Lest you would have been a living dead. Trust God of another chance.

  79. Great read, the lady is a fine writer however if I read more than two of her articles I will definitely get a headache trying to understand the equations.

  80. “I have been wondering what is the number of true love? Some people say it is 3 because God is woven in with 2 strands aka two humans, some say it is 2 because it takes 2 to tango, and 1 + 1 is 2. But I think it is 1. You love yourself.”

    LOVE YOURSELF. JIPENDE

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  81. Oh yes! Love love love yourself.. but why am I angry at him for saying those nasty things..especially the award ceremony part!! Made me want to squash him! Yaaani you can’t just celebrate a woman’s success!! Why?? Geez!! Wivu phthoo!!

    Enewho yes love yourself!hold your head up high..

    I love the math in this piece.. beautiful

  82. You ask me, i think we need to re-evaluate this love to marriage thing. It is leading to more trouble than good this days. Time to change the variables in that equation.

  83. Words from the judge … is my home take You can always start all over..NO. 1. love Yourself
    And what is it with silent treatment and ghosting nowadays relationships? and the men who get mad after you tell them what you did that they wouldn’t have known otherwise

    2
  84. The planners are perfectionist and OCD guys…so common with us we always want it our way..but life has alot to offer..most of the time it breaks us emotionally..

    1
  85. Oh Gal. I love your courage to walk away.. Many people are trapped in such unhappiness, they even do not know that they are capable of loving themselves enough to walk away. True love is first loving yourself and the you can be able to love others because you can never give what you do not have!!!!

    1
  86. The judge looked at me pitifully as I walked up the small step.
    I have walked up that small step. I was carrying the sadness and the fear of the whole world as I did. The judge didn’t call me to her bench. She spoke loudly in the hearing of those who were in court which embarrassed me.

    I am sooo thankful to have walked up that small step! I can’t imagine my life if I hadn’t. Or my son’s life. With time, the wounds heal. You can start again. I did. And yes, there are a few good men out here. All the best! I am cheering you on from out here, in the large crowd of those of us who have dared walk up that small step…

    By the way, Jan 9th 2014 was a Thursday – I checked it. I know… I am a bit like this boss babe.

    3
    1. Well, JK, It was a Tuesday. I checked because the Mazematics bug has bit several of us. Do you want a Dare we check the calender together? Whoever looses buys the other boiled maize.

      say

      1
  87. First, they were not food tours Biko. Periodt!

    Second, being rational (i) isn’t always good, i am glad she got real (pi) because as she put it, it is an endless one that you have to keep working out. But first, you have to get real.

  88. I have been wondering what is the number of true love? Some people say it is 3 because God is woven in with 2 strands aka two humans, some say it is 2 because it takes 2 to tango, and 1 + 1 is 2. But I think it is 1. You love yourself.

    WORD!!!!!

  89. Turns out tall ghosts will bring us to the end of the world
    2 Timothy 3 ISV
    1 You must realize, however, that in the last days difficult times will come.

    2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,

    3 unfeeling, uncooperative, slanderous, degenerate, brutal, hateful of what is good,

    4 traitors, reckless, conceited, and lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God.

    5 They will hold to an outward form of godliness but deny its power. Stay away from such people. xref-5

    6 For some of these men go into homes and deceive foolish women who are burdened with sins and swayed by all kinds of desires.

    7 These women are always studying but are never able to arrive at a full knowledge of the truth.

    2
  90. Like I was an integer and someone just cube rooted me.

    Now, I am a strong believer in keeping your mind open to the possibilities, focusing on your overall happiness and contentment first, allowing oneself to experience a bit of randomness, and most importantly, never to lose oneself during the execution of any life plan
    What a piece!!!

  91. “and both bad and good behaviours continue as long as you keep enabling them.” This hit me hard like a speeding car, I can’t tell if am happy or sad, should I cry or laugh…indeed it’s heavy and eye opening

    4
  92. Never knew Maths fit soo well into describing life. Even Biko couldn’t re write the equation.
    Thanks for sharing, keep you chin up girl.

  93. I’ve literally gotten a migraine from all those mathematics and numbers. The story is nice though. And this institution called marriage is becoming like mathematics to me. So complex ! Sasa ni wapi kuzuri?!! Yaani there are no good marriage stories ? Heeeee OK !!

  94. this is so beautifully written am glad Biko didn’t touch it..you should be a writer.
    now for the story….weuh! that man is such a loser i cant even….
    kudods to that judge…she is young she can love again and no kids to tie her to that awful man
    The perfect number is 1..indeed.

    3
  95. Where did you get it wrong?? Concentrating on the Shoulders and Math and to imagine a future based purely on that. That is what I read in short. I have been married for 12 years and I can tell you, My marriage is not perfect but we have made it such that its harder for us to be apart than together. Also, despite all your efforts to make your marriage work, your husband was not willing to change. How many men wish they would meet a woman like you but then again, this is your story, not his. If he gave his, I am sure it would be different. But if you are the type of woman you have described here, that man will regret it for sure. Do not doubt it.

    2
  96. A good read…but marriage is not the problem its the people who make it…the key took for it is character yet few of us invest in it…its always about chasing dreams, building kingdoms and fulling our separate dreams..in the article it does not talk about the character of Jude but his physical appearance mostly…so yes the first thing is to love self but also build character and look for one who has built character as well. Character is not a gift, or something for a few but for every one…

  97. What is LOVE?
    What is Marriage?
    _____________________
    Profound questions that surely confuse many- including me.

    I hold the philosophy that if you are not ready to share you emotions with anyone else, just stay and live alone. But, my take home is simple and summarized as below; .
    1. “Never lose yourself during the execution of any life plan.
    2. “You should love yourself.”
    3. Keep your mind open to all the possibilities
    4. Focus on your overall happiness and contentment first before you worry about others.
    ______________________________________

    3
  98. The conclusion is the real punch. You can’t love anyone if you don’t love yourself first. Also no one should die in an abusive marriage. Society will judge but society doesn’t know what people go through.

    1
  99. I loved those mathematical references. From how she writes, she is clearly very smart. Beats me how intelligent women will mostly end up staying in abusive relationships and remain so oblivious to the abuse! Fools for love, maybe? Anyway am glad she finally got the courage to walk away. She is still young, she will find her match or she will stay happily single and keep being the super boss babe she already is.

  100. “I have been wondering what is the number of true love? Some people say it is 3 because God is woven in with 2 strands aka two humans, some say it is 2 because it takes 2 to tango, and 1 + 1 is 2. But I think it is 1. You love yourself”
    Perfect ending

    1
  101. The saddest part about her story is not that he ghosted and abused her verbally, mentally, economically, and emotionally. It is the fact that she is such as eloquent story teller still living in the lie that she is mathematicians.

    2
  102. What a fun lady. But she was wrong in the end. The number of true love isn’t 1 – as in love yourself. Jude loved himself. Jude loved himself a lot. Yet all he has accomplished is assholery. The number of true love is ∞ – love your neighbour as yourself. All the worlds ills would be solved if everyone would just do that.

    Also, I know infinity isn’t really a number.

    2
  103. Murphy’s law “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong”. at least i know this one and its hella true!
    ION, isn’t it time this thing called marriage became widely accepted in the society as optional? Marriages nowadays are creating more harm than good. They’re taking people to early graves, killing brilliance and planting seeds of self doubt to hitherto woke humans.

  104. I read this story in three parts. With each pause her story elicited different emotions in me. I made mental notes and whispered life lessons to myself brought out by her experience. If there is something i applaud her for doing is walking away when she could. Many people out here have learnt how to lick love from blades; holding on even when love was no longer being served.

  105. OMG I so love this piece! The women and marriage segment is really awesome as it tells stories I can relate to. I definitely do agree, reading Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood thinking it would help solidify your relationship is a complete waste of time! When people show you who they are…believe them the first time.

    4
  106. ….I think it is 1. You love yourself.
    This is what it is. Two complete individuals full of self love..who CHOOSE to be together in love!…

    any way…what am I saying? …

    Choice is the key word here. It is never society. It is never parents. It is never friends. It is never the gods. It is never social media. We always have a choice…each and every moment of our lives.

    I read somewhere that “…happiness entails going deep into oneself and finding the courage to take responsibility for what you find there, all of it’

  107. I have been wondering what is the number of true love? Some people say it is 3 because God is woven in with 2 strands aka two humans, some say it is 2 because it takes 2 to tango, and 1 + 1 is 2. But I think it is 1. You love yourself.

    1
  108. In an Uber clicking severally at this Tall Ghost!!!! I will be rated 2 by the driver.

    I think I know where it went wrong…when she became successful. He loved her as a receptionist, then she became more successful than he was. He couldn’t deal so he manipulates her by ghosting.

    Happens all the time! Rise and rise girl!! All will fall into place.

    4
  109. Uhlalah… A sassy lady with all those mathematics formulas in a narration
    I’m surprised to know that life is described in a such a way…

  110. And I thought I love maths….your love for it and seeing life through it is on another level. It almost feels like an obsession. Am sorry how your plan didn’t work out but glad that you have grown through it.

  111. Thanks Biko……keeping your mind open to the possibilities is one hell of a saviour . move on girl and get your first born and twins as planned. all the best

  112. Si us people of polling station schools have struggled with today’s post! Wueh! Also, yes. The number of true love is in deed 1. I hope you find happiness with yourself and also share it with someone who appreciates your badassery

    3
  113. The geek in me couldn’t handle the math and physics references.She actually tried to solve the riddle of life through brute force.I used to do the same but now I think life is just is what it is, there is no method to this madness

    A swansong message to her; you’ll be fine, time heals all wounds.

  114. Guy probably didn’t like math as much as he put on when they first met. I picture him wildly elated after barely graduating with his 2nd Upper from campus thinking that was the last day he is ever hearing about integers. Then when the intense math jargon & complicated formulae come fast and thick at him, and he folds hence the ghosting.

    Kudos to the lady for not staying around for mediocrity though, for as the wise say, “a woman who knows what she brings to the table is not afraid to eat alone”.

  115. Waah apart from the maths I think the entire stery resonates so well with many marriages I have been ghosted soo many times until I lost the count All the time it was because of something I questioned especially affairs The longest I wasghosted (you may not believe it ) was 3 years !¡!!!! And imagine we were living in the same house Sooo toturing

    2
  116. ‘I have been wondering what is the number of true love? Some people say it is 3 because God is woven in with 2 strands aka two humans, some say it is 2 because it takes 2 to tango, and 1 + 1 is 2. But I think it is 1. You love yourself.’

    Because it’s tuesday…

  117. Marriage has no formula. Just like life has no formula – unless you have one. It takes the grace of God and continuously working together to make it work.
    One mistake we do is to hold our partners on a pedestal and don’t realize they are mere mortals, with the capacity to fail and disappoint.
    At least I know one thing as a believer. Prayer works even though it’s hard word.
    There will be challenges, just like anything else goes through challenges. However, genuine willingness and desire to make it work, coupled with divine assistance can make even the desperate case work. But it must be two way, both parties, genuine effort and desire from their hearts!
    Just my thoughts.
    Jpjoel2000@gmail.com

    2
  118. Nice read. The things we all go through. Am still stuck in a plan that never worked. Took me 5 years to realise that, thou with a good son to tag along. Just read The Best Laid Plan (Sidney Sheldon) and How the cookies crumble.

  119. The Golden ratio was what intrigued me.. Let me explain it to Biko.. Golden ratio is the most beautiful number in the system.. It’s the perfect number… E.g if you divide your ur height with the distance from your head to naval you’ll get 1.618. Also take the length of your foot divide with its length from the knee you get 1.618. Also from ur shoulder and divide it with length of of ur elbow to finger tips.. You get 1.618. That is called the golden ratio… Soo perfect and beautiful
    …(check Leonardo Davinci Vitruvian man)

    1
  120. One reads and hears such stories that you wonder, what’s the point of getting married nowadays? Some insist marriage works yet if all were to reveal what goes on behind closed doors, you’d be surprised. Outward it’s all smiles but inward, God help us all. A big wedding and a shorter marriage it was. But at least she left in one piece. Big up Boss lady.. may you continue kicking ass! By the time that ass Jude realises he lost a diamond, may you be soring higher!

    2
  121. This Lady was too sharp for the man to handle,a grown up man who listens and follows all his mum’s advice!Kudos girl for leaving,its a whole life out here worthy living for.

    1
  122. Be aware of the signs people show you through their actions. It will tell a lot about how a person feels about you. Peoples insecurities shouldn’t be mirrored through you. That’s why boundaries are paramount.

    4
  123. Hmmmmm…
    Putting you down, belittling you, saying you don’t deserve an award that you’ve earned through hard work…… Being ghosted out……. Pointers that Jude could be a narcissist!!! They make the most abusive spouses on earth and worst is that they mess up one’s psychology….

    Phew! Thank goodness you left.

    And I love that judge’s note.

    Go on conquering.

    PS: yeah, I also love through logic, not heartbeats and butterflies..(and I’ve failed miserably at it). Perhaps its time to try letting the butterflies and heart flips rule

    1
  124. Yet another great piece Biko.
    It’s so sad how we close one eye towards things that we tend to take as minor- yet they are just piling.
    I hope she remembers she’s a queen and she will find her happiness (if she isnt happy already). That marriage couldn’t be mended (the kind of toxic that can’t be recycled)

    3
  125. Left the most toxic relationship and I now can breathe. I’m glowing. I’m Happy. I’m successful. I have friends. I’m Happy.

    6
  126. May you find the Pir² that belongs to you. Keep BODMAS alive, I’m sure he’ll be in the bracket somewhere. You’re young. Start again.

  127. It has dawned on me the last couple of months that marriage is not for me. I would not make it work because I wouldn’t stay through the bull shit as it seems to be a requirement to be willing to test just how much bull shit you can take and then attempt to leave and hopefully succeed if you don’t die first…

    1
    1. Password has always been to marry someone who believes in you, Is your Friend And Above all Never allow INLAWS into your marriage problems.

      2
  128. This story is bittersweet, I have laughed and cried with her through this reading. I am happy that she found herself when everything was wasting away. Sometimes when things are falling apart, they’re actually falling in place.

    2
  129. Turns out they were adding the bed, subtracting their clothes and dividing legs the whole time and I was none the wiser. When I asked him about it, he ghosted me for two months. [That’s it, I’m naming this piece; The Tall Ghost.]

    This cracked me up.
    Love it, looking for my calculus course work…I need a refresher course

    1
  130. Narcs..

    Every young person and especially girls should be taught how to spot them from a mile off….

    that bringing every one stuff from the supermarket was the first red flag! That being goody goody is too much for comfort.

    …….ati we should hear his side of story!

    No!

    …an abuser is an abuser…full stop!

    2
  131. Girl, I love your writing.

    You make it so sweet, even with the multiplicity of mathematical jargon, that it is enjoyably palatable.

    Well, i don’t like your kilos. On this, you score a C while am more of a B guy. More like between 65 and 80 kgs. But is doesn’t matter….

    Your tall ghost, leave him. It is easier to live with someone that talks even through the pubiscite zits, coz women of course love to talk.

    Happiness and best wishes to you.
    Get a tall angel this time, and have him plant something in that garden once umetoa seng’enge. Its planting season.

    Chao

    4
  132. I find it hard to believe that the Jude in Thika was the same Jude in Mombasa. How that happens I don’t know but all the best boss lady.

  133. This piece is sad and satisfying at the same time; perhaps like a continuous time Markov process.
    My favourite in this women and marriage series and my favourite guest post.

  134. There has to be a mathematical equation as to why Biko’s writing is so damn good…..
    Also I am so glad the lady got the courage to leave and love herself….
    Also this is a perfect example of mothers with useless sons. (that mother in law needs prayers..)
    I’m slowly starting to question if I am infact raising a good son who will be a good man to some woman out there or if as a mother, am I contributing to raising a problematic man? Babies are born with a blank slate. So useless men must be learning this attribute of self entitlement and narcissism from somewhere.

    3
  135. I don’t mind when a useless Man ghosts me. Dated one for 4 years and he thought the world revolves around him. Here I am still breathing. Lol!!

    5
  136. Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. You must get away from this ASAP whether you are a man or woman in an abusive relationship.

    2
  137. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow
    Khalil Gibran

  138. How now can this mathematics equations be adding up so easily without subtracting my patience: love is a universal language that should be used in teaching mathematics.

  139. Congratulations darling.
    I applaud you for your strength of mind and courage. For refusing to be a number in the annals of abuse. For loving yourself enough to choose you.
    Without a doubt…..your best days are ahead of you.

    2
  140. Finally av found a good distinctive definition between psychology n maths with respect to human relations.. Back to the story.. For starters, I believe Marriage ain’t bolts n nuts, neither is it skull n bones, u cant plan it to perfection, there are parts that won’t fit perfectly n it’s okay… I think the strict preconditions at the starting point set this couple on a path to destruction, I feel like they were too mechanical until they discovered that marriage is more like pi, actually it could be more like math too, Euler build a beautiful identity, Ludwig Boltzmann committed suicide after failing to prove Boltzmann constant in statistics yet Erwin shrondinger used the same premise to develop schrondinger’s equation n revolutionarily succeeded, all these guys were mentally married to maths n physics yet had different outcomes.. What am saying is there’s no magic bullet to marriage one has to keep an open mind n listen to the one person who rarely gets it wrong “instinct”… and NO is also a valid answer (it has to be your NO, not the parents’ NO or the Society’s NO).

    3
  141. I rarely give my comments on this blog, but today I just had to so here goes…. This is probably knenod the best stories all year on the women series that I have read I doubt there will ever be another but my opinion is open to be proved wrong! Who knew that math could easily be equated to love and marriage? Beautifully written and the ending was just lovely! Can we have more stories like this!

  142. Oh Man………..the Joy of finally LEAVING!!!!!! I can relate to that too well because apparently I was also not enough…………i AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!.I think another topic for this could have been ‘Never Enough”, “What is Enough”, “In the name of God”, and yes The Freedom of finally Leaving” but I am not Biko neither do I have his “lens” 🙂

    1
  143. The only math that made sense….”…..you can divide 22 by 7 all your life and you will never get a pattern to the digits and it keeps going as long as you keep doing it….” (so true!!)

    This read got me on all sorts of moods. first butterflies, then flying hearts, then dark dark background……..then a light bulb at the end of a tunnel and lastly a clear but unknown horizon which is full of hope. I am glad she loved herself more than anything on earth. I hope she finds her happy. its true what the judge said also….she is way too young.

  144. Wow, I can totally related to this story. It sounds like the story of my life that I was living, but once you start choosing your self first that is when you start leaving. Just may be some day I will share my story. But lady stay strong and know you are not alone in this, we are almost in the same age and he left 6months ago. And trust that u deserve a person who sees your worth…..Better days are ahead sweetheart.

  145. u remember of the Mathe story in the Men series….? he did not hide from us his failure to succumb from the mothers pressure…
    he later abandoned marriage and lured Shiku back….u get the balance n what instigates what actions…..
    let’s seek to understand the actions of the man before we bedevil him.

  146. u remember of the Mathe story in the Men series….? he did not hide from us his failure to succumb from the mothers pressure…
    he later abandoned marriage and lured Shiku back….u get the balance n what instigates what actions…..
    we need to understand what made the man behave as such before we bedevil him

  147. AAAAAAAaaah man, that last line, it is indeed 1, to love oneself without exception.

    You have my day my Lady.
    Bless your heart and may your happy heart know that it is home. with love from Cape Town: Sipho

  148. I couldn’t have found a better article to get all these lessons, but for me, the case was the same, only that I am a guy, and she was was the law girl with chubby cheeks and lovely face. And I am more of Santa Claus and not these handsome dark and tall guy.

  149. Wonderfully written. Great beginning, terrible ending (the love story). With your upbringing and optimism and your general outlook towards life; you shall surely find another better deal. How do i know this for sure??? Coz your story mirrors mine. A devoted mathematician. An ISTJ by personality. Wedded around same period like you , divorced in less than 3years, just like you. Kind-a same reasons as outlined in your story. Yeah, and in my story there is also a page about removing the coil. And at some point i weighed 52KGs. Only that in my story the villain is a woman. My point is, dont lose yourself. Stay positive and be of good courage. Do not lose hope in marriage. It still works. May I also commend you for leaving early enough,,some people wait way too loooong!!!

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  150. I was so prepared to cry and be sad! Well I am sad. I feel bad for her. Because this is such a kickass bosslady who deserves love.
    Eeeeh marriage is tough. If there is something I had to learn the hard way in my own marriage is to love myself. To truly love me, do the things that make happy. Keep my girls around. And to just learn how to do me. We get so lost in the roles and what is expected of us. You give and give with nothing in return.You end up lonely and miserable. Until I discovered that it is not his responsibility to make me happy. Whoosh! I might have written this article myself!
    Start again. Love your God. Love yourself. Be happy for all you have achieved!

    2
  151. It became apparent to me that in African society and from a christian standpoint, the man can do no wrong. That when the marriage ends, it’s the woman’s fault. Why didn’t she “vumilia”? And “Is she the first to be cheated on or abused?”
    Women’s guild counselling 101

  152. She’s still young to start over. As a man I give you a green light to start your life. That dude is used to bimbos and he won’t settle soon.

    1
  153. This might be my best read marriage story yet! Partly because I identify with the emotional abuse bit. The being made to feel less than. The only difference is mine was a 9-month relationship. Thank God. I am quite the planner, I’ve let that go too. Being more open about life. And I also did grow up in a similar family situation. And yes, 1 is the number of love. You gotta love you cos when everyone else leaves, cos you don’t have any control over anyone else but you, you’re always all you have left so you better love you. Awesome piece.

  154. My profound take away from this; ‘never to lose oneself during the execution of any life plan.” I’ll take this to my grave and that 1 is a complete number when you learn to love yourself first.

  155. Society has made women believe that marriage is an achievement. If you’re not married, when are you getting married?
    If yiu are a certain age and you’re not married, you’re called expired goods.

    Aren’t we the same women who are ridiculed by the very men when we are not married?
    Can a woman win in this life really ‍♀️

    1
  156. Pass her my hats off and big love. What a story teller! Thumbs up. I was hoping for more of the good side after the divorce, the you, the 1. But nway. What a marriage! And it only lasted 3 yrs? Felt like I finished watching a 2hr movie about a 15 year long marriage! Now am even more curious to put a name and a face to this story… a self taught math enthusiast to another.. 🙂

  157. But the cracks started to appear early in the marriage. Murphy’s law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and boy, wrong and his whole clan moved into our house!!! Thank u Biko…I want to know if there is a successful marriage and how it looks like! on my side what I see is the thing that fails …why try then? why not finding an innovative way to avoid heartbreaks and sad stories and be happy? Hey, I need to know if there is another side of marriage! enlighten me, please.

  158. Turns out they were adding the bed, subtracting their clothes and dividing legs the whole time and I was none the wiser….. Loooooooooooool!

  159. I love the article,reminds me of a movie of a woman who thought she could have it all but things felt apart and she realized that its okay when things don’t go as you want….but what i love most, is that the lady chose happiness and had the courage to.

  160. I pray you don’t fall in love with someone that will exhaust you emotionally so much so that at the end of it all you might end up not capable of loving yourself.

    Be with someone who amplifies your energy.

    I’m so proud of you for walking away from the Bullshit, way to go girl.

    4
  161. It’s sad to hear from a marriage counseling expert that 80% of failed relationships are because of cheating. When one keeps jumping from one partner to another it’s because they have issues which they need to address. You can keep lying to everyone, but yourself.

    5
  162. Lady do you. People out here pretending that they are happy, using social media as a benchmark. Go out and find your groove. Leave that loser to his sidechicks.

    3
  163. He is a weak ass. I cannot even call him a Man. He behaves like a stupid child. I hope in the future you meet a Man and not a Boy. Ghosting you for his bad behavior? Fool.

    4
  164. I think am lucky to be existing in the generation of akina Biko as guardians. Imagine Jude being a guardian of the marriage galaxy and reading all the other stories about marriages before you hit your ripe stage!! So you hate marriage yet it works out different for everyone!! Traumatizing like the maths! I skipped all the maths talk to be honest. I got literally nothing besides cube root!

  165. A mathematical theorist s/he is but a logical flunk. Which makes the story fictional. Three years after 2018 is 2021 unless s/he is a futurist which doesn’t make sense. Father Abraham is asking, is she still wearing the coil?

    Ps.
    1. We/I can’t tell if she’s is a she or a he, the reason this comment’s personal pronoun is /.
    2. Prostrate massage also prostate milking is the holy grail of mind blowing orgasms. Generally emptying fluids from the prostrate ducts.

    Yours Father Abraham.

  166. Good piece…she made sense of some math my primary teacher yapped about in a way I could not comprehend.

    I am a man….why do women keep up with some man shit like these? Damn!! I will not judge though .everyone has stories about marriage…I walked out of mine coz the shit from the other end was too much….

    Life is interesting!!

    2
  167. Once I get hold of your article everything else can wait, yes your soon getting in the category of drugs! Such a piece! Thank God she dint loose her whole identity in pursuit of nothing

  168. This is my story,do i have a copy?I went through all this,the only difference is that we have a son.He moved to the coast too and that was the begging of the end. I am a very happy single woman,I stopped talking to his mother when she told me that his son was a carbon copy of his husband and i should vumilia. I could not take it anymore so i left with only our clothes,leaving peacefully in Nyeri.

  169. This my 2nd piece to read from you..and this is huge,especially to those in abusive marriages.it has to stop,this culture of women have to ‘vumilia’,this what it leads to these murder cases all over! Save your Mental health and lives while you CAN.
    And Yeeees girl YOU ARE YOUNG, START OVER!

  170. I just want to thank that good and- honestly speaking -God sent judge for releasing that woman from that toxic relationship and giving her a second chance at life. Thank you Judge.
    And for that man, jealousy is real. Get well soon.

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  171. Great piece. Bravo to the Kick Ass Boss Lady for making the decision to leave sooner rather than later. With the kind of brains depicted in this piece, you will sure pull it, solo or otherwise. Being a man, and a married one for that matter, I cant help but reflect on my marriage life, . I can blurry see tiny bits of me in that man. I got one job to do now, change, (towards the positive) where I can. Learning through other people’s experience.

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  172. I got a headache reading the formulas 🙂
    Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. Well done boss lady for choosing you!

  173. But soon you slowly realize that marriage is like Pi, I assure you, you can divide 22 by 7 all your life and you will never get a pattern to the digits and it keeps going as long as you keep doing it. [I can’t imagine dividing 22 by 7 my whole life.] What this means is that there is no one way to do marriage, no pattern, and both bad and good behaviours continue as long as you keep enabling them.
    I know exactly what she mean.

  174. But soon you slowly realize that marriage is like Pi, I assure you, you can divide 22 by 7 all your life and you will never get a pattern to the digits and it keeps going as long as you keep doing it.

    22/7 will give you a pattern after 5 decimal places, but the real pi has more than a million decimal places.

    I will however look into defining a more accurate equation for this, I’m sure it contains an exponential form of a varable: US = (Time * Love * Matching Goals) + Logic

    To leave > To stay
    I like what she did here too. But this is still arguable.

    This piece was interesting, I love this girl’s passion for math. However, she was high on something that’s not love. She must’ve been chocked somewhere in the wrapping of arms. It’s not a good place, but she truly can start over. 29 is still young.

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  175. This lassy can write, and write really well. It points to a very beautiful mind. Never thought i would enjoy a maths filled storo this much.

  176. Just sitting here wondering if we could get the names or photos of these men/women so that we dont end up in similar situations… #justathought

  177. In mathematics, the Riemann hypothesis is a conjecture that the Riemann zeta function has its zeros only at the negative even integers and complex numbers with real part
    1
    /
    2
    . Many consider it to be the most important unsolved problem in pure mathematics

  178. If she reads comments…and if she’s getting into her 30’s I’d advise her to know herself now…and not feel the need to fill her space with someone else too soon. She needs to build a lot of ground where self awareness matters, and she needs to interact with people authentically. Every one of us has a bit of BS (impurities) some just have more. She should also not try to get fixated on cliche definitions of oneself just because of what she does and what she has achieved.

    Life is for the living…and live you must my dear.

  179. ‪Lust is the end of most men.‬

    Ms Calculus raise from the toxicity and soar. You have gained and not lost. Freedom and happiness is yours to keep.

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  180. Sure that was a tall ghost.
    This story is an eye opener to those who are in such marriage.
    I remember one day I decided to have a nice hair cut …yes I looked good and hot (my thoughts) only for my ex husband to say I look ugly and old ‍♀️‍♀️ weeeee

  181. Wow!!!! I am a maths geek and i enjoyed reading this very much. Thank you so much for this read. My take home is “Love yourself”

  182. We seem to have accepted mediocrity in relationships and we don’t hold people to standards. We have to hold people to standards. Women seem to accept substandard love, something that men cannot, more because they have layers of women they are sleeping with. Such men can’t love you to your standard since they don’t love themselves.

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    1. Men, know your boundaries. Just be sure you are alert all the time. A woman can help make you and also help destroy you. Be warned. We don’t have to sleep with every available woman guys.

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  183. The mathematical references in this story have been on point. A storygasm if are into math. I have loved it, the ending made my eyes water.
    It might have taken a while but at least you found the number of true love.

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  184. Who knew maths could describe a relationship/marriage. But I feel that as women, we see the signs and choose to ignore them because of what the society ‘thinks’. Hopefully this lady gets someone who appreciates the chickboss she is, because she deserves it.

  185. Biko you are so negative. You can feed us with a positive marriage story one in a while cause out there there are like infinite number. I hope tamss will not read this constant square roots of an acute angle.

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  186. WOW. I can just relate to this “Is she the first to be cheated on or abused?” I am in the same scenario as you (i still cant understand how i got here). Never knew where the strength to put up with the insults comes from.Reminds me of when i was told “you dont deserve any affection at all” .One thing am glad thou is that i have rediscovered me again….have zero chills in the things i do, have gotten so much self love…am out of a shell… .Having read men and marriage ( not to sound sanctimonious), i still think the current neo man has a lot to go , why they prefer to ride big SUVs, drink 18 yrs scotch and still be a mfugo by women or older women for that matter beats me.then again, to each their own.

    well done, continue kicking ass, dont take mediocre, be humble and lastly get that girl back again.He can kiss his a** for all you care.

    God bless 😉

  187. you are young,start over!This is what I would also say.It is a big puzzle where the beautiful love story ended.He left without an explanation but hey,start over!

  188. “Now, I am a strong believer in keeping your mind open to the possibilities, focusing on your overall happiness and contentment first, allowing oneself to experience a bit of randomness, and most importantly, never to lose oneself during the execution of any life plan.”
    Wisdom

  189. This is the moment God saved you
    ”When I told him the coil was out and we were now going to multiply and fill the earth, he was not hearing any of it because he said he wasn’t ready to be a father. He completely stopped talking to me and for the three weeks we were together he would not even hug me. Dejected I came back to Nairobi and my sister had to take me back to the doctor to get the coil put back. That was the last time we ever discussed babies. It was a tricky topic. I was so strung out by the fighting and I had zero energy left.”

    Children would have complicated your relationship even more. According what I have read, you were loyal, you were ready to fight on even with no children am just wondering what you would have decided with children involved.

    Spread your wings boss lady!

  190. ‪Don’t let getting lonely make you reconnect with toxic people.. you shouldn’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.‬

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  191. Men, your ego supply should not be pegged to how many women you have slept with. It’s not a win. Ladies, only mature men will understand the importance of having discipline and respect.

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  192. As Dr. Dag Heward Mills, Christian Author and Pastor puts it. ” You must always take the better of the two bad options. Divorce is a bad option, It is also a bad option to be fighting each other, abusing each other and living in a constant state of quarreling, strife, unhappiness, tension and stress. Divorce is a bad option. It is also a bad option to die prematurely because of marital quarrels. Divorce and remarriage is a bad option. It is also a bad option to be provoked into becoming a murderer.” (The Beauty The Beast & The Pastor)

    Matthew 19:3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?…..8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.

    Human hearts are hard. Only God can change it. You are not a man/woman’s savior in marriage….choose the better of the two bad options.

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