The Ten Percent

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She met him because she was assigned to his cell group. He was the Bible Study leader. The meetings took place in his house, a stand-alone masquerading as a townhouse. This is how it worked: the whole bunch of ten would meet in the Bible Study leader’s digs in Donholm and they’d talk about the Bible. For hours. And drink tea. And sit with their legs crossed. And not do anything that God wouldn’t do. See, they were born-again and that came with certain pious expectations and sensibilities, walking in His light and things. But she was 21 and he was 28 and, well…hormones. 

It’s important to note that he had maroon leather seats in his house. Who has leather seats apart from exorcists and palm readers, much less maroon leather seats?  She loved his seats before her heart was besotted with him. He was intriguing, and older, which meant that he looked wiser than all of them who were in their early twenties. They looked up to him for spiritual guidance but also for social guidance, because at 28 you must know a hell of a lot of things, especially if you are a Bible study leader with maroon leather seats. 

She was an innocent girl, the only girl in a family of boys, Dad a non-nonsense military chap, Mom a homely lady who kept her Bible by her bedside. She grew up in church, had never had sex, never kissed a boy, never held a boy’s hand, never looked at a boy and imagined him naked in the shower, or naked in bed or naked under a tree. Fine, she had seen a penis before…in biology books, as diagrams. But that doesn’t count because a diagram of a penis has urethra and names like glans. That stuff doesn’t arouse desire, or stoke a vivid imagination. So, when she met him she was pure as a ball of cotton. He was the calm type. The very calm type. “He was dark with very beautiful deep set eyes and dark bushy eyebrows,” she says. 

Problem was he never gave her any more attention than he gave the other nine members. His gaze never lingered on her any longer than it did on the rest of the girls in the group. He never showed that he was interested in her in any way. Why would he? He was 28, a whole Bible Study leader and most importantly, a proud owner of maroon leather seats! 

But one time, during a church shindig at The Nairobi Arboretum, where he was in a jungle green kanzu, off white trousers and brown sandals, she found herself standing with him and his best mate shooting the breeze. He pointed at her with the water bottle he was drinking from and told his best mate, “One day I will marry this girl.” 

“A year passed and he neither said nor did anything,” she says. Which is a great plan if you want to marry a girl.  “After what seemed like forever, he finally made a move and asked me out. Of course I said yes. He said he’d take me for a date over the weekend. That Saturday, he took me to a nyama choma joint in Burma market, a place with flies.” She chuckles. “I didn’t even consider it a date, because, come on, Burma market?” 

Well, what can we say; some men just love their meat. “During the date I asked him why he took so long to ask me out and he said that he was observing me. Whatever that means,” she says. 

For the second date he stepped it up and showed up with a big bouquet of flowers, probably upon realising that she wasn’t too chuffed by Burma market and the grittiness of smoke, wobbly chairs and someone – Karanja – walking through the middle of the restaurant with a massive, bloody bovine thigh slung on his back. He took her to a nice café in town. There, he proposed to her.  “He had a ring with him. Something silver with a small stone in it,” she recalls. “I accepted his marriage proposal.” 

Where do you take a lady who is now your fiancée for a third date? “He took me to Sagret Hotel for more nyama,” she says. For those of you reading this from Muthaiga or Karen area, Sagret Hotel is in Milimani road. As the name suggests, it isn’t a place which serves paninis or infused teas. It doesn’t feature Sunday brunch with the well heeled in their big floppy hats and uppity sneers. It’s a nyama joint. This man really loved his meat. Surely such dedication and commitment should be rewarded in heaven. Given his carnivorous tendencies, I don’t have to state the obvious and mention that he was from the House of Mumbi. 

“It’s at Sagret that he allowed me to see and learn his true self,” she says. “He was very considerate and attentive, quiet and an overall great guy. Someone I could love.” 

In 2003, a year after a whirlwind love affair, she finally moved in with him and his maroon leather seats. “I was conflicted with this stay-together thing because remember, we were committed to church, plus he was my Bible study leader. What we were doing would be deemed bad and sinful,” she says. It didn’t help that she found out that she was pregnant soon after. “I wasn’t supposed to be having sex!” she says. “It was something that would bring great scandal and shame in church.” 

A wedding was quickly convened to right the wrong of that bun baking in the oven. The lovely ceremony took place in 2004 at Safari Park Hotel. She was in a white sleeveless gown, looking every inch the gorgeous bride. He was standing tall like a dangerous double agent in his black suit and he held her hand the whole time, as if afraid a tide would sweep her away. 

“The following year our daughter was born and we moved from Donholm to Kileleshwa,” she says. He started building their transport business. “He was a gifted businessman, the most intelligent man. He studied mathematics at university, very sharp.”  Business started picking up as their daughter grew and domesticity set in. 

One morning eight months after the wedding as she was arranging his stuff that he had left all over the place on the dresser, the debris from a man’s pockets – wallet, car keys, business cards, half eaten gum in wrapper, coins – she found receipts from a motel from the previous night. “It was one of those motels with dodgy names like Blue-something,” she says. “I asked him, ‘Babe, what were you doing in a motel yesterday?’”

“He said that he had booked a room for his cousin from Nyahururu who was in town for an interview,” she says. “His cousin was indeed in town for an interview but him booking a room just didn’t make sense to me.” 

She wasn’t satisfied with the explanation. “I can’t explain it, but I just felt like something was off. That something had changed. Well, a month later, I met a family friend of ours, a former neighbour, for tea at Kasuku Center. I don’t know what we were talking about but she told me that my husband had propositioned her, that he had asked her to have sex with him.”

She was disbelieving. How was it possible? They were church people. Church people didn’t do shit like ask the neighbour for nooky! Actually “nooky” is a word church people would not even use. They would instead say “intercourse”, as if it’s a transaction – which it is. Sort of. 

“Did you believe her?” I ask.

“Our former neighbour? I did,” she says. 

“Why?” I ask. “What made you believe a former neighbour and not your man?”

“Because of that thing, that feeling I had the month before.” 

So she called him immediately. “Michael, did you make a move on Grace?” 

“Grace? Which Grace?”

“Grace, our former neighbour from Dohni?” 

“The one who drove a pickup?”

“Yes!”

“Where is this coming from?”

“Just answer me, Michael!” she said. “Did you or did you not ask Grace to sleep with you?”

“Listen, this is crazy. Let’s talk at home. I’m leaving town in a few.”

So they met at home. He got home first. She found him watching the television, still in his socks, legs stretched before him, like he was waiting for a spa treatment. She wanted to kick his legs out of the way but instead, she walked right over them without a word, like you would a mannequin in a store. He followed her into the bedroom where he found her leaning on the window, waiting. 

“Did you ask Grace to sleep with you?” she asked after he slowly closed the door. 

Her baby had seen her walk in and she could hear her crying for her. You know how needy babies are, they don’t care what kind of day you’ve had or that there is a crisis. All they want is to be carried and to have a nipple in their mouth. 

“I did,” he says. 

She felt her head getting light. 

“What?” she whispered. “Why?”

He stood there, looking like a sinner. 

“Why would you ask Grace to sleep with you, Michael?!” she pressed on. 

“Well, you should have waited to hear my side of the story. It’s because she was willing,” he said, avoiding eye contact. 

She held her head in consternation, as if it would explode. “And you think that makes it better? That she was willing to sleep with you makes all this okay? Tell me how? You think I would be relieved if she wasn’t willing?”

The baby was now crying loudly. She opened the door and told the domestic manager, “Linda, mpatie maziwa nakuja!” Then she faced him again. “Have you slept with any woman since we got married eight months ago?”

He stared at a spot on the floor and remained quiet. 

“Michael?” 

He looked out the window. Outside, dusk had fallen but a darker dusk was falling right inside this well-lit bedroom. “ Yes,” he admitted. 

She remained still, almost stopped breathing, as if if she stopped breathing the yes would somehow turn into a no. Her head was now swimming. Her chest felt tight. She slowly removed her shoes and for a second he thought she would hurl it at him. Not a nice way to lose your eye.

“How many times?” she asked

“A few times.” 

“How many times is a few times?”

He was quiet. 

“How many times is a few times, Michael?”

“A few times,” he repeated. 

She left and went to take care of their daughter. When she was done, they ate dinner. Rather he ate dinner alone (“Men will eat through anything”). She got into bed after putting the baby to sleep. When he came to the bedroom she asked him why he would sleep with other women. “He didn’t have any reason. He wasn’t unhappy, he said. He said he was curious,” she says. “I was so hurt. Of all the problems I thought we’d encounter in marriage, infidelity was not one of them given that were were born again and belonged to a church. We fellowshipped together! I was a good wife, dutiful, respectful. I can’t explain to you the kind of hurt I had. I cried the whole night. I texted my dad and told him what had happened and told him that I was coming home. He told me to go. The next day I packed my bags in the morning and left for my parents’ house with my daughter.” 

After a day, he went to her parents’ house, hat in hand. I’m sure the devil was blamed. Poor devil, even when he’s just chilling at a beach somewhere in hell, sipping his favourite drink of overnight swine blood, an umbrella stuck in his glass for devilish pizzaz, face covered with a large sombrero to block the sun, people still blame him for shit. One of his demons would show up and report that a Michael was blaming him for something and he’d not even look at the demon. He’d just mumble under his sombrero, “F***n story of my life” and not move a muscle. 

A family hearing was convened to mediate. “He said he was sorry,” she says, “that he had acted poorly and he promised to change. He promised to go for counselling as well to sort out whatever issues that made him shag these women. So I moved back to our house and we started counselling sessions in church which were, truly, a waste of time.” 

“Why?” I ask. 

“Because I felt like the pastor was siding with him as a fellow man. He kept stressing on forgiveness and reconciliation in marriage while not addressing what he had done,” she says. “He never admonished him. While I felt like my world was ending, the pastor looked at it as a sin that God forgives you from. It was not enough for me. I felt that they were men and they had an unspoken understanding between them that locked me out.”

After three sessions she said screw it and stopped going. Then came the bitterness, a vengeful wave of it, pouring out of her like lava. “I was one angry woman. And very bitter. I would bang doors and go at him. Nothing he did after that was right. Nothing. I’d go at him for the smallest of things. One time I broke down our bedroom door. I was going nuts with anger. He, on the other hand, never raised his voice, never showed any form of aggression. He’d take my aggression silently. He is the type who didn’t know how to fight verbally, so he’d walk away,” she says. “At some point I thought he would kill me for frustrating him so much, so I started sleeping with knives under my bed.”

“What?” I say. “You’d sleep with a knife under your bed?”

“Knives!” she corrects me. “Not one knife, but many knives. I had pent up rage which I didn’t know how to expel because I couldn’t talk to anyone about this. He was apologetic but a few months later I started getting the feeling that something was off. And then I started discovering more girls because I was now checking his phone. I kept unearthing these women he was sleeping with. They were mostly flings, because even by their communications I could tell that there was no emotional connection. It was just ‘Hey, are you coming today? and ‘Thanks, nice seeing you.’”

“Did you confront him?”

“Oh yes. I’d throw major fits. Funnily, he would not deny these flings. Somehow he’d just say, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know why it happened.’ I would find packets of condoms in his car. I had never seen a condom in my life. This was my first time to see condoms! So what I’d do, I’d take the condoms and place them next to his wallet and say nothing.” 

There were long stretches of silent treatment running for weeks. They continued to fight about these girls then make up. “I’d wonder if it’s me, something I wasn’t doing. I had put on weight after baby, so I’d wonder ‘Is it my weight?’ He couldn’t explain why he was doing what he was doing.”

“Were you having intercourse frequently?” [See how subtle I can be, ey? Intercourse. It’s like coursework but with clothes off.] 

“What is frequent intercourse?” she poses. “Remember this was my first and only man. I knew nothing about sex. I didn’t know what an average amount was. In retrospect, we were having so little of it and I remember asking him if this was normal for marriages and he would tell me it’s normal. So I figured once in a few months was not abnormal.” 

“One time, I think after my second child was born, I found some salacious messages on his phone and went ballistic. I demanded to know who that woman was and he kept saying she wasn’t important. Eventually he admitted that it was a girl from a brothel,” she says. “I was like, what? You go to a brothel?! I was dumbfounded. I thought brothels was not for people like us. How on earth did he even know where a brothel was? He said a friend introduced him to it and confessed that he would go to the brothel every week, sometimes as many as three times a week. He said that it was not really a brothel per se but a place where you went for a massage but ended up having sex.” [Ended up. That made me chuckle. It’s like taking the wrong road and ending up in a dumpsite.]

“It’s called a happy ending,” I offer. 

Really?” she asks. “Now I know.” 

It’s the first time she has heard the term “happy endings.” The only happy endings she knew were happy endings in romantic movies; a sunset and a couple holding hands into it. This happy ending where you get a massage and the masseuse finishes you off was not the kind of happy ending she had in mind. She was livid. Livid! She demanded to see this brothel.

“I forced him to drive to this brothel in Hurlingham- at noon,” she says. 

“What were you guys talking about in the car while driving to see this brothel?” I ask, a silly question really, but I’m curious. 

“I was yelling at him, abusing him, saying horrible, horrible things. I wasn’t nice to him at all,” she says. 

“But why did he agree to take you to the brothel?”

“Because I threatened to tell people. I also told him that me seeing might save the marriage. I was basically bullying him into doing things at this point and like I mentioned, he wasn’t the type to fight back.”

So they drive to Hurligham and stop outside the gates of the said brothel. The sun is reflecting brightly on the dashboard. It wasn’t as grand as she thought it would be. It was an old maisonette, very unassuming, painted cream on the outside, a lowish gate a dog could jump over. (See what I did there?) It could have been any other old house at first glance. An elderly civil servant could be staying there, instead men were getting happy endings therein. “It was a boring-looking house to be honest,” she says.

“What did you expect to see?” I ask. “What was seeing a brothel going to do for your marriage?” Because really, who wants to go to the back of the kitchen to see how a sausage is made? 

“I didn’t know what I was doing, I wasn’t thinking straight. The idea of a brothel was so surreal to me, I had to see it to believe it,” she says. “Also, I didn’t believe him when he told me he goes to a brothel. I thought he had a girlfriend, not a brothel.”

So they sat in the car, looking at the entrance of the brothel, perhaps hoping to see a big-bosomed, sassy lady step out to bask in the sun with nothing on but fishnet stockings and a cigarette between her lips. “I demanded to know how it works. He told me that you pay three thousand shillings at the entrance and get your massage and things. He admitted that sometimes he’d go in and not be able to get it up but that when you failed to get it up your money was never refunded. An erection was your problem, not theirs. But they’d be kind enough to change girls or even rooms to see if that would help you get an erection.” She shakes her head pitifully. “This was all too much for me to comprehend; my husband going to a brothel? This same man who would go six months without touching me was going to brothels thrice a week to have sex with those girls!”

From Hurligham she dragged him to Liverpool VCT in the same neighborhood where they did an HIV test while holding hands. I ask her why they were holding hands and she says, “Because I knew this was not him. I knew he could be better than this. I was certain that this didn’t define him. He was addicted. He had a sex problem.”  

“He was a perfect man in everything,” she says. “A great man. A true friend and a loving husband. We would talk and laugh together. He was a responsible father and husband. Anything I asked for I got. If I asked him to jump he would ask me how high I wanted him to jump. He was a perfect man for the ninety percent of it. The ten percent was the addiction to sex.” 

She didn’t know who to talk to about this. She kept everything bottled up in her; all the bitterness, unhappiness, rage, loathing and shame. “I couldn’t go to church to seek help,” she says. “How do you go to church and say your husband has a sex problem; that he likes sleeping with women in brothels?”

“If you don’t go to church with such problems, what problems are you supposed to go to church with? A receding hairline?” I ask. 

“That’s my question. I have no idea.” She chuckles. “The issues weren’t addressed. The pastor would tell him things like ‘You have a beautiful wife at home and you are in business. If you feel like having sex you should go home and have sex with her.’ But that was not even the issue. “Counselling was crappy. We didn’t get any help. One time in church one pastor called for people with addictions to be prayed for. When he went to the pastor after the service, the man of the cloth asked him to call his wife, but when I came he clammed up. He couldn’t speak. I realised that I couldn’t help him, nobody could.”

“Did you feel sorry for him?”

“I did. He had so much potential. He was an extremely smart person and easy to like. If you met him, you would be his friend,” she says. “I also think that the guilt was killing him. He was shamed by his addiction, as I was. He was struggling to be better. We both didn’t know how to help each other, so we just let things be.” She then adds. “At some point I even suggested that he gets a regular girlfriend, to avoid going to this brothels where he could catch a disease.”

“Did he?”

“No. He said he didn’t want. A girlfriend meant emotional attachment and this wasn’t about emotions, it was physical.” 

She started getting these bad headaches. Nasty headaches that couldn’t go away. She tried many doctors. She’d be given tablets like Tegretol but the headaches would not go. So they went to see this neurologist at Nairobi hospital who told her husband to wait outside while he spoke to her in private. “He told me to tell him what was going on in my life and I unburdened everything to him. It felt good to speak to someone.” The doctor told her that her problem was not physical but psychological. He prescribed some drugs and the headaches went away never to return. 

That was the turning point for her. She decided that staying in the marriage would kill her -if he didn’t with some disease that made your ears fall off. So she went to see a divorce lawyer and got started on the paperwork. She was thirty three years old then. The plan was to process the papers and tell him it’s a wrap but in a cruel twist of fate, one day he, after a day of having a persistent headache, collapsed in town. At the hospital the doctors said three quarters of the left side of his brain was dead. He had had a stroke. 

That threw a spanner in her works. 

“Now I couldn’t leave him in that state. There was no way I was going to abandon him in his hour of need,” she says. “When you say your vows – through sickness and health – you never imagine that it would apply to you. I was going to respect those vows. So I told the lawyer to tear up the divorce papers.” 

He stayed in hospital. He couldn’t talk or walk or read. He could barely recognise people. He just lay in bed. After two months he was brought home. Then the tough times really started. “They say when it rains it pours. Soon after, our biggest client, YU-Mobile closed shop and left with seventy percent of our business. We were making three hundred thousand a week, and suddenly it dropped to ninety thousand a week. We had debts, rent to think of and school fees.  His medication alone cost twenty thousand a month, yet little money was coming in. I had to move houses to Lang’ata, which is near Nairobi West hospital, where he was going for check ups and therapy. I was a housewife, running a small school transport business so money soon became so tight. Our cars for the transport business were auctioned. I was also dealing with his relatives who were claiming that he had a stroke because I stressed him. It was like everything was going wrong at the same time.” Murphy’s Law in full force. 

“What did that period teach you?”

She thinks about it for a second. “I don’t regret being a housewife, but I don’t think it’s the best decision I made. You should always have a back-up plan as a woman. You can’t rely on your husband financially a hundred percent.” 

It got to a point they couldn’t pay staff. The one client they had remaining ran broke. The children couldn’t go to school. Everything was grinding to a halt. Eventually in 2015, she cancelled the one contract they had with a client. The bottom had caved in. 

“On top of this, I had to nurse him because he couldn’t do anything on his own. So I washed him, fed him, blew his nose, wiped his mouth, told him to close it, took him to the loo.”

“Did you resent him during this time?” 

“I don’t think resentment is the word.” She pauses to look for the word. “I was tired. I felt like crying.” 

She started hearing rumours that she had moved out with another man and that’s why he got a stroke. One day she confronted his mother-in-law with this information and told her everything that had been going on in the marriage with her son. She was shocked. Her mother-in-law told her, “If I were you, I would have left him a long time ago. You are a good woman.”

A few weeks later, his mom came for him. She picked his stuff and they left. This was in 2015. “I think that’s when my marriage ended. I never kicked him out. Never turned my back on him. He was taken by his mom.” And so, a twelve year marriage ended like that. (In the twelve years, she says, they had had sex not more than twenty times).

Soon after, things got so bad that the kids couldn’t go to school. She couldn’t make rent. One day auctioneers came and took away their stuff. She shipped the kids to her mother. (Her mother-in-law later brought them back to Nairobi and got them scholarships.) “I lived in friends’ houses during this time..” Slowly she found her footing over the next few years. It wasn’t a picnic but she crawled out of that hole, a painful day at a time. Now it’s been three years and she is in a good place. I ask her why she stayed through all that. 

“He was really nice person, besides his sex addiction, such a nice guy,” she says. “Our love wasn’t fake. I loved how he loved me. He would do anything for me. I would call him at any time and it didn’t matter what he was doing- whether he was in a meeting with a chief executive officer of a company or with those girls he was sleeping with – he would pick up my call and if I needed help he would come straight away. He was dependable and I was sure of my position in his heart. He had a big problem with one bit of his life, but that didn’t make him a bad person. There was so much about him that was great, much more than his sexuality. I never questioned my place in his heart even once, because he made me feel that I came before anything else…”

“Do you go to visit him now?”

“I do, sometimes. I’m not in love with him but I still love him –  like I love my kids.”

“What is love?” I ask, almost rhetorically. 

“Good question,” she says mulling over that. “My language of love is acts of service and going by that, he loved me a lot because he knew me. Love is not a feeling. Love is a verb. Love is respect.”

I’m confused. (Aren’t I always?)

“So what you are saying,” I tell her, “is that a man can sleep with another woman but still love and respect his wife?”

“Absolutely!” she stresses. “I honestly believe that. I keep telling my friends that infidelity is never a reason to throw away a great marriage. After my marriage, I talked to a lot of men about this and I’m convinced that men can still love and respect their wives but still sleep with someone else. What do you think?”

“Er, I don’t know. I just work here.” 

I ask her if she would get married again. She says she wouldn’t. “I don’t think I will ever remarry. I will never nurse another man.” She chokes up a bit. “Anway, I don’t want to cry.” Then she adds. “ Maybe I might consider marriage when I’m fifty five because I feel like I didn’t do so many things in my younger days. I have learnt so many things in the past three years than I did when I was married for the twelve years.”

“What has all these done to your faith?” I pose. “How is your relationship with God currently.” 

“I have questioned many things that I grew up believing was the gospel truth. I have been angry at God. Why allow us to go through this? We are not bad people.” Her voice lowers, deepens. “I was very active in church once. I was in the choir, I attended Tuesday evening services, Friday miracle service, all the praise and worship on Thursdays and Saturdays. Every Sunday I would be in church by seven in the morning. I attended the women’s ministry meetings once a month. I belonged to three Bible studies.” She catches her breath. “The last time I went to church was a year and a half ago. All the numbers of people I have blocked on my phone – and they are several – belong to people from the church.” 

 

                                                                   ***

We get a new guy in – OK, it’s not a new guy, it’s Jose – to fix this email notification pain in the neck. He says it’s been fixed. For those who have been having trouble kindly let me know if you received an email notification for this piece. 

 

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621 Comments
    1. Logging into the website was quite a toll order….had to do it several times, kept rechecking my net connection.
      Sad reality, I hope she gets healing from all these events, definitely a strong woman. I wish her & the kids well & healing to the man.

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    2. I received an email, finally, thanks Jose.

      I had pity for this woman until I read the below,
      “Absolutely!” she stresses. “I honestly believe that. I keep telling my friends that infidelity is never a reason to throw away a great marriage. After my marriage, I talked to a lot of men about this and I’m convinced that men can still love and respect their wives but still sleep with someone else. What do you think?”

      Cheating is the most disrespectful thing you can do to someone you claim to love. A christian woman justifying it??? what is wrong with such women? what do you believe? With that I need to hear the man’s story. Huyu simtrust, sorry.

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      1. I think you heard what she was saying but failed to listen. It’s like seeing without eyes typa shit. See what i heard her say is her foundation has been rocked so badly, she is questioning the things she once believed.
        It has happened to the best of us. What’s most important and what i believe, is that she will find her way; answers to questions she doesn’t even know she’s asking, glue to piece together that foundation again. Questions lead to answers, be patient, she’ll find herself again. And tone down the righteous anger, it doesn’t help anyone. Live and let live.

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      2. Is it me or are you so close minded you dont have any more space in your head for different views? Don’t you think of other ladies,see a chick and think she is hot? Thats cheating my friend, according to your Bible and we men do it all the time “the very poetry of our souls” as Mario Puzo calls it.

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      3. Yeap, cheating is intolerable. Yet, somehow, the things this person does afterwards make you want to stay. They make you want to overlook it. Although i would not stay with a cheating spouse because the psychological implication can kill you. You question yourself, your worth, self blame, self deprecation and doubt.

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      4. Normally, I would agree, but this man had an addiction, i think. He probably really did love his wife. He clearly had an unhealthy view of sex. Like it was meant for prostitutes and not a wife. He could have benefitted from real therapy to get down to the bottom of it.

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  1. One day he confronted his mother-in-law with this information and told her everything that had been going on in the marriage with his son.

    Wrong use of he, him, his…?? Should read as below, shouldn’t it?

    She confronted her mother-in-law with this information and told her everything that had been going on in the marriage with her son.

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    1. Sijapata email mimi!!

      This is a nice write, the pinch of humour almost cracked a rib. This series is gaining momentum, getting better and better. I suspect Biko this is part of the spanners in the works

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  2. The f**k did I just read there…. I always tell women, no matter what position your husband holds, it’s brilliant of you to have your own source of income, same as to men. Don’t be dependant to one person. I am glad she is ok, I know she is at peace. She didn’t do him wrong atleast from this story.

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    1. Infidelity is disrespectful whether it’s in a relationship or marriage. Karma does exist
      I would like to be the fly on the wall when these men who cheat are cheated on.

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  3. Such a strong woman..as men sometimes we get good women we don’t deserve.that was a lucky man to have such a woman with a good soul

    30
  4. why do bad things always happen to good people?what a story?anyway we good ladies are so many but we always lose at the end,anyway its life,and what is life without hardships,being at rock bottom and up???I know she is happier but I hope she will one day be happiest at least she has her two kids.Great story!have teared up because of her resilience ,she is a strong woman..from I to her (I hope she is reading this) you will just be fine darling,everyone has a story,this has given me another shot on how i look at life,being resilient and let life take its course.

    36
    1. So captivating..never encountered and never heard of such a strong soul, let her not loose faith in God.in due course she will be rewarded handsomely.

      6
  5. “I never kicked him out. Never turned my back on him. He was taken by his mom.” And so, a twelve year marriage ended like that. (In the twelve years, she says, they had had sex not more than twenty times).”

    This lady was too patient with his man. I’m surprised she hadn’t left after he cheated all those times. Case of being blinded by his loyalty maybe? I doubt he loved her. Love wouldn’t perennially hurt.

    43
  6. I was going through so many emotions from the start, but no way did I see that stroke coming…I’m not married, but I think what I’ve learnt so far from the marriage pieces is that there are no absolutes. I think that’s my lesson for adulthood really; I find myself questioning black and white things I’ve held dear all my life.

    47
    1. Right? I have never been a fan of grey, it’s either black or white for me and it seemed pretty simple but then the more you go through life, the more you realize that a little grey is inevitable.

      28
  7. Finally Jose did the damn thing. Thank you.

    Halafu this sexual addiction thing is real , even with women. And yes, It is very possible to love someone and still have sex with other people. My personal opinion would be, with the people you love, you make love. Most of the time, this does not feed into the fetish that curiosity one may have. How would you tell your Demon chasing, tongue speaking and heaven bound partner that you would like to swing, or experience a dominatrix or toys in the bedroom? Especially for the African culture + religion situation, this is a no go zone when talking. I really wish that more religious couples would be very open when in comes to sex talk .
    Good read Biko!

    62
  8. Tegretol is medication for epilepsy. This woman really went through it. Somehow i feel that the guy got the stroke from all the psychological problems he was putting himself through by not talking

    20
  9. Some things are difficult to understand. One of them is why we as people have tendencies to ruin good and working relationships. He had a good wife and a good income but that was not enough seemingly. Also, it is amazing how she stayed and tried to fight though it. Can you imagine a wife recommending the husband to get a girlfriend? That’s a whole wow.

    For a minute I thought Biko you stopped writing because the emails stopped. Glad we are still on.

    35
    1. the Pareto Principle (The 80/20 Rule)
      – For instance, in this case, he loved and cherished the beautiful qualities in her such as her being nurturing and supportive wife, a God fearing woman, a wonderful home maker and mother – it made up 80% however, he went out looking for 20% – sex

      9
      1. It’s surprising to read that no one mentions the lack of sex life they both had, to her sex once every couple of months seemed normal. Sex is one of the biggest bonding if not the biggest bonding factor every couple should have. Yes we’ll do our respective chores of paying rent, bills, raising kids, but not at the expense of having sex with your husband. It’s more than just physical. If a couple can go without sex for a week, it will stretch to two weeks then a month and so on, before long you’ll be strangers.

        1
  10. Yaasss!! an email notification like finally. Thanks Jose.
    Weh! This till death does us part is a raw deal. I’d have killed the guy and fed him to the dogs hahaaa.
    This world is not my own, takes a certain amount of grace to love. It really isn’t an emotion……

    13
  11. It is experiences like this that recruit many into the “men are trash brigade.” Then you try to tell yourself that not all men are trash then boom, you are informed that a man (and many men ) can still love and respect his wife while sleeping with other women out there!! Whatever kind of respect that is!! This life!!

    41
    1. IKR…. they may call it what they want but…. I am definitely not interested in that kind of respect..,,like what the hell…

      11
    1. I hope you’ll hold the same sentiments when your wife cheats on you. Don’t ever leave her even if she’s sleeping with every man in sight

      26
      1. Thank you. My sentiments exactly. Men really know how to dish it but cant really take it when the shoe is on the other foot. SMH.

        7
  12. Is it just me or anyone else wonder about the HIV/STIs testing results? The motel room saga. Imagine I thought she would find out he is sleeping with men. . Church hides so much of the devil’s work (see what I did? Blamed that fallen angel lol)!! I have a rela who was cheating on his wife with a fellow church elder’s wife. Instead of el pastor addressing the issue, he dismantled the elder ship program. Bull shit! Both couples are still married to each other ‍♀️.
    Biko, sad piece but this one lacked the weight of your strikers that have left me mulling over them for months. Like the goat storo hehehehhe, the Mombasa mganga etc. not to diminish this woman’s unfortunate experience.
    And did you get my message about podcasting?

    10
    1. I always say when a man treats you like crap, it says more about him than you. Women put up with BS just for a moment. When they are done, not even a hurricane Katrina will make them turn around.

      19
  13. Wow Biko. Your writing style is so refreshing. The jokes especially.

    Life has taught me to do things because they make me happy and to do them with no expectations. Go to church because it makes you happy not because it’s Sunday or because you have some expectations (like having everything go your way)
    This story has reinforced that lesson

    Also, love is so beautiful

    Thanks Jose for fixing the mail.

    13
  14. Love is respect. Nuff said! New guy’s doing a great job! I finally got the notification after waiting for 40 days & 40 nights in the desert. Ero kamano!

    9
  15. Yeeeeees i was happy to see the notification today.

    Awesome piece chocolate man, But did you really have to emphasize on the maroon seats. At a point i thought in the end they would have saved the marriage. Haha

    19
  16. Poor devil, even when he’s just chilling at a beach somewhere in hell, sipping his favourite drink of overnight swine blood, an umbrella stuck in his glass for devilish pizzaz, face covered with a large sombrero to block the sun, people still blame him for shit.

    9
  17. Evert time i read your articles…they get deeper and deeper ..men and marriage was an amazing section..Now to women and marriage ….I mean WOW!!!!CHOCOLATE MAN …..I am learning a lot from this….Great piece..Till next Tuesday..Adios…XOXO

    2
  18. I think at this point I will say marriage is a very, very personal experience for each and every person.. Just like love, we all define it the way we understand it. The grass is only as green as you want it to be.

    13
  19. wooooah! just how shitty can this life be!
    Addictions are real, whether we acknowledge them or not..
    Find help for your self and for the sake of those that love you…
    Glad she is okay now and the kids too, too bad for him though….
    side note: Jose, new guy, thanks. Good work Biko, as always.

    1
  20. Sad part is that the church. Some preachers will be condemning hypocrisy yet they are the most hypocritical. Lord have mercy on us all

    9
  21. ‪Being cheated on and lied to forever changes you. New relationships you have will be difficult bc you will be constantly haunted by past toxic relationships. You will be in defense mode 24/7. Your mind plans on how to defend itself against problems that may not even be there yet.‬

    21
  22. Women have the biggest hearts. Even after fucking up their lives, they will stick with you even when you have nothing to offer.

    4
  23. Hey,
    I received the notification for this story so looks like it’s fixed.
    On the 10 percent story, it’s possible for a man’s love for God to be strong enough such that by God’s grace he is faithful to God and his wife too.
    Infidelity is not a physical problem,.it’s a spiritual one. It’s also optional not mandatory…

    8
  24. Finally i received the notification….. Thanks Jose

    On the story, that is a lady with a big heart……. hopefully the guy who loved her as much is getting better

    1
  25. Love is a verb! Very powerful.
    I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, I pray she is able to heal from all the hurt and disillusionment.
    Incredible story.

    3
  26. As usual, an amazing story. I hear people’s stories about marriage and I get scared.

    I got my notification today Biko, thank you Jose for fixing the issue.

    1
  27. Dear sisters,those calm church types,are a no when you are looking for a husband,they will break your heart into tiny painful pieces.They will will make you feel like they did you a favor in marrying you.
    They will will make the Church think you are the psycho one.
    Even your family will have trouble believing he hurt you when you do decide to leave.
    Do not marry these type of men who appear different, too good, too Godly.They have bad sexual manners.

    And do not go to Pastors(male) for counselling when he is finally ousted.They will be on one side and you will be made to feel like you are the problem.

    Love the man who will love you the way you like to beloved,without being hurt.This kind of love is available,don’t feel guilty accepting it!

    And do not accept to carry his sin,You are a woman,not Jesus.

    If the marriage dies,move on.The vow is until death!

    80
    1. The assumption is that if one is in church going to heaven and all, his complete and perfect in a way. My thoughts, the guy came into the relationship a broken man, probably had unresolved daddy issues from the past., He probably lived in a household where the mum was disrespected…just speculation, the responsibility of mending the broken man fell with the church elders. You have to be broken yourself to help another broken person. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. My fear is having broken men getting into relationship without healing having taken place

      14
      1. Do men people learn sex addiction from the fathers? From the look of things and as the ex wife describes him the guy was a perfect husband except for the sex addiction.
        His problem is the people he hang out with who were giving him directions on where to find the instant gratification he was looking for. He is no different than those who masturbate from watching porn.

        1. Again from the way his mother reacted after learning what he was doing, she is not the type to sit and wait to be mistreated by a anyone let alone her husband.
          She said if she was her, she would have left him a long time.

  28. ‪My dad who has been married to my mom for 27 years said he’s never had any trust issues. ‬

    ‪He followed with this: “if they’re gonna cheat, they’re gonna cheat, me obsessing over it and being over protective isn’t gonna stop it.” ‬
    ‪Relationships of nowadays will not last a season.‬

    23
  29. If we are in a marriage and you cheat, that to me is considered as disrespect, the level of tolerance in this piece just angers me.

    26
  30. Sad story , great writing as usual, an elderly lady once told me before I got married, avoid church guys , they hide so much under that pious facade you would rather date a man who smokes weed because you will know what you are dealing with , with them you never know what they are hiding….best advice I ever got when I was young

    16
  31. I enjoyed interweaving my thoughts through this brilliant but heartbreaking piece. It’s so sad that even the best of marriages have some terrible undercurrents that at times sweep away the years of effort, love and respect. Marriage is hella tricky, kwanza during this age. I sympathize with that woman. She went through a lot that she doesn’t seem to deserve. Am glad things happened within the timeframe that they did. She still has more time to enjoy life in a completely different set up. For the man, may he recover someday. Probably get to see and interact his grown-up kids.

    PS: Biko the email notification was spot on today. Thanks for taking care of the gang! (this word gang makes me remember that young chap you used to feature here some time back; a guru in this craft; your mentee; I think I last read of him after he cleared high school…I don’t remember his name but I miss him)

    About typos Biko, . Tuongee hapa kando…

    8
    1. Must be Joe Black. He should come back already. He was the only guest writer that kept me (and maybe alot of us) glued like we were reading Biko’s work.

      1
  32. I love you Biko , you write right into my heart , this one has a resonance with me in a direct way so am framing it for my wall

    2
  33. Love is a verb.so if you are cheating on me you are disrespecting me.lets stop making excuses for men.you are cheating because you are greedy.you want to have your cake and eat it.you want the wife and family but have all the sex you want on the side because it feels good.because variety feels good.also this is why I dont advocate for marrying young.women leave.date a variety of men.date the man you will marry for a while those subtle signs will show .

    19
  34. Biko, this story is incomplete..
    Did he husband have a porn addiction, was there someone in their lineage who suffered from a similar issue.

    BTW sexual addiction is a generational issue

    4
  35. Reading this stories sometimes makes one wonder is it really necessary to get married,to give someone your whole life,all your happiness to control such that when they betray you you get permanently destroyed…

    9
  36. “I honestly believe that. I keep telling my friends that infidelity is never a reason to throw away a great marriage….What do you think?”

    “Er, I don’t know. I just work here.”
    The evasive Biko, haha! Touching story though..

    3
  37. Great job Jose…
    Very good read, I think it’s true that men can love just one woman and have intercourse with several, it’s mostly physical for them.

    1
    1. There was no love there. He did not love himself and thus couldn’t love her. He has the traits of a broken man, sleeping around and not recognizing that he is the problem in the relationship.

      12
  38. I do not know what I would do in this situation. So sad..

    I however feel like there is a huge gap in the story. So the guy gets a stroke and the lady tells the mum how things really were. Small small the mom comes for him and its a wrap?? What was going on between them when he was nursing him while paralyzed? I find it hard to believe she whethered through the storm of infidelity while he actively hopped brothels but when he was useless and no income was coming in, then it was a wrap. Sorry, i am not judging,..

    6
    1. Valerie, indeed, the first smartest in-depth comment I’ve read & trust me I’ve looked @ several to a point I’m wondering whether we all read the same article. Good insight. Also what I found interesting is that these guys had sex like once every couple of months, & she considered it normal. Maybe she was naive in that but it’s up to even an obligation to ensure you feed each other sexually.

  39. Infidelity is optional. If you didn’t sign up for it at the start, it is also ok to exist the marriage. And let’s stop blaming the devil for everything!

    2
  40. People cheat because they want to have their cake and eat it.its a choice. She is strong because I can forgive cheating but not to this level.plus I am vengeful I wld have slept with other men to get even but to what end.she shld have left sooner.maybe they would both have been happier sooner and not exposed their children to their toxic rship.pretty sure those kids wld see mum and dad fight all the time and now that is what they will think love is.

    3
  41. I love this relationship articles. I am yet to put my experience into words. I see a part of me in all these stories

    1
  42. Great piece Biko as always (or is it sometimes?) . Now, i agree with the guy, sometimes sex is just physical, no strings attached, no nothing, just the excitement of getting laid. So, its true a man can be shagging outside, and yet remain loyal (In this instance to mean that his feelings, love and respect are for his wife ONLY), something that unfortunately a lot of people would not care to understand.

    1
    1. I’m sure the devil was blamed. Poor devil, even when he’s just chilling at a beach somewhere in hell, sipping his favourite drink of overnight swine blood, an umbrella stuck in his glass for devilish pizzaz, face covered with a large sombrero to block the sun, people still blame him for shit. One of his demons would show up and report that a Michael was blaming him for something and he’d not even look at the demon. He’d just mumble under his sombrero, “F***n story of my life” and not move a muscle.

      4
    2. Actually no, we dont care to understand. Cheating is disrespect. You dont deliberately disrespect the person you claim to love. No.

      8
    3. Sameli, how about transferring that excitement to your wife & trying it with her, after all she has the same pair of assets the other lady has and there is a reason why you picked her to be your wife, so why waste the time & energy outside when you can focus it all on her – the sexual exciting part, make her part of your exciting journey too. You’ll be surprised how she might just respond, she may even teach you a thing or two. Can even call it “Kamasutra Night” instead of “Date Night”.

  43. She is a very dumb woman. She keeps rationalizing his behavior and even says “she was sure of her position in his heart” Respect is having regard for someone’s feelings, wishes, rights. He knows cheating, abusing you is painful but still did it anyway. He did not care at all. I need women to understand that men are capitalists by nature. They will steal, cheat or destroy without thinking twice about you and in the end when confronted, they will blame you for it. Women are mules constantly taking care of these ungrateful men. I hope now that you’re single, you finally get some sense.

    16
  44. But Biko your sense of humor is priceless!

    ~ After my marriage, I talked to a lot of men about this and I’m convinced that men can still love and respect their wives but still sleep with someone else. What do you think?”

    “Er, I don’t know. I just work here.” !

    2
  45. Ati men can still love their wives while sleeping with other women?What do you people smoke?
    Mnachosha aki.
    Just get out with the bullshit.

    26
  46. The maroon seats..hehehe..Love is so complicated though..May she find love and may the guy get help from the sex addiction..

    1
  47. Received via mail.
    Also, heeh..infidelity is such a grey area. Is it okay to leave? Do you stay? How do you deal? Aii.. The Bible allows a man to divorce his wife if she is unfaithful but it never talks about the vice-versa.

    **Sigh sigh.. Marriages need work. She is a strong one.

    4
  48. E-mail notification received today. Feels like I’ve missed so much, been long since I was here – without the notifications.

  49. Nice perspective on ownership in relationships/marriage looking forward on a piece on expectations in marriage and how when they are crashed the marriage/relationship follows in tandem. I got my email today, it has been a minute since I got a notification . I do hope she finds love before 55. Thanks.

    2
  50. Weuuuh I really do not have the right words to describe the roller caster i have been through. Yes, I agree infidelity is not always the reason to throw away marriages. Love is difficult to describe.I hope she finds light in her journey, immensely.

    1
  51. Yaaay finally! …got the notification and have never been this happy!

    What a read!! I do not know if i would have been this strong but I guess its because she knew he loved her, the WAY he loved her sigh!

    1
  52. Yes i got my notification today, finally. Best advice i can give a girl is go on dates with differnt guys. Church peeps really have it rough because they have not fully lived. Life is packed full of lessons. Glad she found herself in the end.

    2
  53. Dear sisters,those calm church types, are a no when you are looking for a husband,they will break your heart into tiny painful pieces.They will make you feel like they did you a favor to marry you.
    They will make the church think you are the psycho one.Even your family will have trouble believing that he hurt you when you do decide to leave.
    Do not marry these type of men who appear different, too good, too Godly.They have bad sexual manners.

    And do not go to pastors(male) for counselling when he is finally ousted.They will be on one side and you will be made to feel like you are the problem.

    Love the man who will love you the way you like to be loved,without being hurt.This kind of love is available,don’t feel guilty accepting it.

    And do not accept to carry his sin,You are a woman,not Jesus.

    If the marriage dies,move on.The vow is until Death.

    8
  54. The story has many loose ends though, anyway my most important lesson as a man from the story is one, Your Mother will never forsake you, even when you are as muddy as a pig, Forget those fancy vows, the pact you made with your mother when she bore you is enduring.

    1
  55. Yaay! Notifications are back!

    And, Woah!
    20 times in 12 years? What the f*ck? Or more accurately, what the NOT f*ck?
    That’s 20 times in 144 months.
    That’s 20 times in 624 weeks.
    That’s 20 times in 4383 days (including leap years).

    I am shook!

    35
  56. Wow,.I was left wondering how her husband or rather her ex has been doing at her mom in law?
    Life can be nasty at times. Thanks to the email guy I got this notification.

    1
  57. oooh my goodness what an experience thank her for sharing her real life testimony, loads of lesson to carry along. Kindly do recommend her to read a book titled “In God’s Underground” by Richard Wurmbrand.

    2
  58. “What is love?” I ask, almost rhetorically.

    “Good question,” she says mulling over that. “My language of love is acts of service and going by that, he loved me a lot because he knew me. Love is not a feeling. Love is a verb. Love is respect.”

    That’s deep. Though didn’t receive notification

    1
  59. I beg to differ with her way of understanding infidelity.because its the only thing that the bible allow a divorce over meaning its major.
    Love is forsaking all others ,love is being selfless not selfish,love is doing to others what you want be done to you,love is being true to yourself.not giving less,giving it all and not wanting anything in return from them because its God who rewards.loving is not for publicity or copy pasting what you see it doing what you feel and whats right.it asking for guidance from God to love who is right to love.
    Because if you do not ask for guidance you end up loving right but loving the wrong person.
    we tend to measure love with things that we get there we go wrong. We should measure love on how one is selfless from oneself to do right to one.
    Do not get me wrong am not naive on how men operate but still nothing is impossible.

    11
  60. How can one make the one they purport to love through such misery?????
    Twelve years of her life that she will never recover. The guy never loved her at all. I feel nothing for him

    6
  61. My initial reflex, as is everyone’s, was to call her a good/strong woman because she’s gone through shit that breaks people. But the problematic thing is that women are socialized to be ‘strong’ meaning were expected to put up with a colossal amount of pain and suffering in relationships, all in the name of being a good wife/partner. Would he (the husband) have allowed himself to endure as much? I don’t know. Either way, glad she’s in a healthier place.

    13
  62. yes i did, after a looong time!! i thought you were angry at me for not commenting on your great works regularly. hehe

  63. Man, what a story… Resilience, patience and perseverance… I don’t know if I would endure all this pain from my spouse.

    And, thank you Jose

    2
  64. Still wondering why this addiction was for outsiders. Why not sleep with his more often and top it up outside if indeed it’s just an addiction?
    Or the addiction didn’t want his wife and only craved for women in brothels?
    Life is just very complex for me.

    15
  65. Am truly sorry that she had to go through this alone. Knowledge is power. I don’t know, she could have approached a counselor, another church or believers. I strongly believe the situation could have been salvaged had she known where to go.

    2
  66. Yeeeeeeeeeees Finally Have receive the notification….Jose Kujia kahawa…

    This lady is a true defination of Patience and Tolerance………..

    ”I honestly believe that. I keep telling my friends that infidelity is never a reason to throw away a great marriage”

    1
  67. ”….infidelity is never a reason to throw away a great marriage. ” This only applies to women LMAO! Jaribu uone.

    If the shoe was on the other foot, she would have publicly been branded a harlot and FOR SURE her husband would not have been as understanding. Men generally can never handle an ounce of what they dish out. Fin.

    12
  68. Am not sure if I’d nurse him!!that’s where they say hello has no fury as a woman scorned.having watched the diary of a mad black woman,I kent nurse him hata kama kuna vows.never!!!

    4
  69. The world is indeed an unusual place, with very ‘usual’ looking people. It takes strength to make any relationship work and even more strength to stay faithful.
    I commend this lady. To the world she may look like the fool who never left when she should have, but to me, she is the lady who stuck to her vows, in the truest sense of every word.

    10
      1. Muthoni, i suspect you are the main character in this story, sometimes we are told you have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince or you sure have to kiss a lot of toads before Prince Charming comes along and or before you meet the handsome Prince you’ve gotta kiss a lot of toads, wewe ulitoka tu home ukoana huyu mmoja?

        4
  70. Well received…”You should always have a back-up plan as a woman. You can’t rely on your husband financially a hundred percent.”

    3
  71. Notification received.
    That is true love for sure. She is such a strong woman.
    Such a sad ending and we can’t get to know how Michael felt after it all wrapped up.

    1
  72. Wow…. it’s sad thou infidely and disrespect go hand in hand..not once , not twice……..bondage of sorts.
    Find yourself some real love woman!!

    1
  73. Great piece Biko! Whoa! True love and infidelity cannot co-exist. I feel the guy was careful to choose her, being well aware of his weakness. He wanted a certain kind of woman. She didn’t take time to know him beyond the act he had perfected.

    Oh, what to say about the church’s counselling service? Not satisfactory. Below par. Instead of getting to the root cause of a problem, the church is so quick to prescribe forgiveness and reconciliation. It’s the church’s paracetamol, a solution to every problem.

    I loved the guy’s honesty though.

    5
  74. The BS retention in this mama is like 1500%
    But on the real though, there is some truth in what she said. His was not kawaida cheating, he was a sick man. His addiction could only have been cured by medicine and counselling. He probably got the stroke from sex addiction related issues.
    If you are reading this mama, keep keeping on. Your kids need you. The world needs you.

    3
    1. “The BS retention in this mama is like 1500%” Well put. They are both damaged. She needs to fix herself before she gets into any type of relationship because, I don’t get why she allowed this in her life. You teach people how to treat you.

      5
  75. The level of tolerance here is unbelievable, it’s all games until you “catch” a disease that he brought home. Religion played a role here, they should have sought professional counselling as opposed to the pastor to avoid bias

    3
  76. wow!! What a nice piece. And yes, one can love and respect their woman but still cheat on her. once, severally and with many other women. (ask the experts here)

    1
  77. wooh by the way this reminds me back in high school there was this Christian union guy who would even speak in tongues, unbeknownst (not sure about the spelling but YOLO) to us this guy was a pedophile and was forcing young boys to have sex with him.. I wonder why the serious church type of guys are usually the most evil..

    2
  78. I knew a guy like this, fell in love, wanted to start a family with him. I detected something was off about him especially when he talked about his new colleague. Asked him, he insisted they were just friends. I recently discovered they have a 2yr old daughter. We had been together 4yrs when I found out. All those emotions hit me hard. Especially when I remembered the denials. Sigh.

    5
  79. Well, I must say this sex addiction is real! My best friend, a dude, newly wed wanks almost 10 times a day despite having a gorgeous wife. They rarely copulate. When I asked him, he said he is aware that he could be sexually addicted and he just can’t help it. How to help?

    2
  80. This story was quite something. The first of the women and marriage series that iiis…whats the word?.. weighty? Its deep? rich?. Thanks Biko.
    I don’t know what to say, but that guy needed professional help way before, not just pastors. Its so sad he had to end up that way.

    2
  81. My husband then fiance’e cheated on me,he is a christian and I trusted him too much to do what he did. Lemme just say,the moment are you are stressed and not employed,we accept to stick by them because of the fear of unknown.I later married him….I am not sure if I love him any more but we are together. Sometimes I feel sad that i stayed, I wish i left

    3
  82. “What is love?” I ask, almost rhetorically.

    “Good question,” she says mulling over that. “My language of love is acts of service and going by that, he loved me a lot because he knew me. Love is not a feeling. Love is a verb. Love is respect.”
    Wow….

    1
  83. Yeey.. I have received. This is quite a sad story, God had blessed them, but the man forgot all that and went to brothels. I dont want to say its a punishment kind of but lets love to stay with God no matter what.

    1
  84. wow! what a story! what a lady! I feel like the mum to this guy came and took him away without much of a palaver because…maybe..she knew her son to be capable? Genes and those apples that don’t fall far from the tree must have played a part here?

    Wishing her peace and blessings.

  85. At First i thought the tenth meant the tithe in church.
    But good one
    You should have kicked off Women and Marriage with this!!!
    Tho comes the importance of exposure.
    How do you say yes on your second date???
    Especially since your first was at a BURMAAAAA.

    7
  86. I do believe in addictions and just as there is drug addiction, there’s sex addiction and yes he could have loved her to bits but his addiction took preference. Addiction needs treatment, so rehab, counselling and therapy would have been a major consideration from the very beginning. There is also always the possibility of relapse so for this reasons, the healthy partners involved should be very careful. If his addiction affects your life in a very negative and unhealthy way, leave, esp if you have kids, leave and support them from afar, always take care of yourself first so you can be able to help everyone else that needs you. People with addiction fight lots of demons so sometimes, its just easier to support them from far.
    Am glad you are doing great and for the sake of you and your children, hope that he is okay too..

    8
  87. That woman played a large part in damaging that man. See how that man never lied on sleeping with other women, he might have known that he had a problem and the wife could have been part of a solution and not blow his head down to stroke.

    Clout women!

  88. I received an email notification. And I love the pun with the title – the ten percent, tithe, and everything points to characters who place church at the top of the priority.

    This piece is beautiful. Simply put.

  89. 20 episodes of sex activity in 12 years of marriage? Less than 2times in an year? And the irony is this dude is sexually active about 3 times in a week….(more than the number of times he does it with his wife in 1 year…)

    E-mail notification is okey.

  90. I have received my email notification. Murphy’s law didn’t have shit on this. And kindly expound how Andu a nyumba have carnivorous tendencies? I thought we were vegetarian going by the number of warus and minjis in our meals

    2
  91. Hi Biko. This is the first email I received in the last month or more I guess. But I was patient. I knew you would fix the problem. I am happy again to receive. Thank you for today’s piece.

  92. I get the sense that he married her because she was very naive, She still sounds naive, especially with the advise she is giving to married women whose husbands cheat.
    I hope she’s healed psychologically. I cannot imagine the trauma she had to endure.

    6
  93. Hi Biko as always I enjoy reading your pieces. Am still in denial, for missing my saturday morning fix, well I will get over it I guess. I didn’t receive an email notification for this article. Keep doing what you were born to do. I

  94. Why do bad things happen to good people? 🙁 She is a great woman and was a great wife. I just thought how amazing it would be to do a follow up on some of these stories like may be in 10 years to come. Just to see if the status quo may have changed.

    1
  95. “I’m sure the devil was blamed. Poor devil, even when he’s just chilling at a beach somewhere in hell, sipping his favourite drink of overnight swine blood, an umbrella stuck in his glass for devilish pizzaz, face covered with a large sombrero to block the sun, people still blame him for shit. One of his demons would show up and report that a Michael was blaming him for something and he’d not even look at the demon. He’d just mumble under his sombrero, “F***n story of my life” and not move a muscle. ”

    I like the use of satire.
    I wish her all the best.She deserves it.

    1
  96. Awesome getting a notification! Hehehe I saw what you did throughout the post, very charming
    This was great, I like your real-life pieces, more than fiction, I like real stories told as fiction

  97. i feel this woman. troubles sometime makes one question her religion. i for sure know that being good cant bribe God to doing good things for me. its just his grace and so with that knowledge i dont force myself to be good or go to church or abstain. i just live

    2
  98. E-mail notifications received. Jose worked overtime I got two today.
    Mmmmmh Women and marriage=Tolerance. Am not patient and perhaps this explains why am a single mother of 2 at 37yrs. I will get married when I want.

    3
  99. I am happy to receive the emails again.

    This story makes me so sad in many ways that the good people almost always face hard times.

    I am happy that she found her standing and came back up wiser and stronger.
    This made my morning.

    Thanx Biko

    1
  100. When you get saved,the first thing you should do is go through a process of mental and emotional healing.Jesus didnt just pay for physical healing on the cross.If you allow and ask him,he takes you through a process of unearthing past wrongs hurts wounds and toxic tendencies resulting from them.It is a continual process of recreation.Painful yes but his grace is sufficient.
    Sadly most pastors have no clue on this and it is never taught. A new convert is told you are a new creation and they put on a facade of practices,rules and regulations without actually being recreated by the saviour inside out. This guy should have gone through something similar to unearth this problem and it should have been dealt with before marriage and before he was given any leadership in church.
    I have seen toxic abusive tendencies in pastors and Bishops which means they are in no position to help their congregation but will only reinforce toxic behaviour because they assume leadership means they are always right.
    Christianity seems to not be working because we dont go through this process of unlearning our ways and learning our saviours ways. It’s sad to see a marriage breakdown when both spouses are confessing saved people. Pastors need to go through healing themselves and then teach it to their congregation.
    Finally sexual sin opens the door for the devil to wreck havoc in other areas of your life.I suspect it would be to blame for the guys bad health and eventual loss of financial position.Either way God is good and can restore and heal him.

    4
  101. Jose did his job. I got the notification. Bitter sweet. If a man can love n respect his wife but still also sleep with other women then what is cheating?

    1
  102. Nice read Biko!!
    I concur with those saying that they thought you stopped writing because of the email notifications…
    Addictions come in many forms and they have different triggers. Unfortunately, even medical researches haven’t unearthed the root course. In life, always try to deal with issues when they arise and if you keep them to yourself you might have the tendency to do that beyond what your mind can take, and that’s when you have this escapism behavior in addiction…deal with your shit people!!! Thanks Jose I got the notification

  103. So sad but manze thanks to this lady who has spoken up so intimately about her storo.
    We have a big problem with sound theology in general in our generation today. This has nothing to do with pastors or fellow church members. By God’s grace, one day in the midst of my chaotic painful life riddled with poor choices and lack of wisdom i woke up to the fact that i cant outsource my Faith to another human anymore. I need to own it. I am no pastor but i go to night school now after jobo to study and learn about God and the story of the Bible. So i can read the Bible for myself and chat with God personally. Fact: Jesus is up their praying for us who accept how broken and sinful we really are. He came to save hopeless sinners not to judge them. Judgement will come. Salvation is for everyone… who believes. Knowledge about God is for everyone.  And the devil understands Scripture more than humans…but he cannot undo the work of redemption. He was defeated. And btw new testament is full of storos of broken 1st century churches by these very issues we are pitiaing today… hizi vitu si mpya. Satan has no imagination but dangerously persistent. He can only be dethroned from our sinful hearts by us acknowledging God and his work for us in our hearts every day. Everyday all the time every where praying praying and more prayer ! And reading the Bible. The most controversial book today

    10
  104. What a life!never seen a member only in pictures!i suppose couldnt tell a horses tongue from a donkey’s!and the divorce lawyers?a witches brew

  105. The problem was in the foundation of their marriage..
    They never repented and therefor the sin multiplied and became an iniquity…when we are Christians, lets solve problems, sin the biblical way…this would have saved the mess..
    The devil’s work is to destroy…open a hedge and he comes in with both legs in…uninvited

    Soo sorry about this sister…kindly turn back to Jesus and allow him to heal you

    I recommend you look out for a ministry called Ellel Kenya…salvation is personal…between you and your Marker. You will understand what happened to your marriage..

    And NO…there no excuse to what you went through from him, he needed to exercise his will to say no and do the right thing.

    May the good Lord meet you at the place of your need. There is a solution…seek it desperately, and God will grant it to you.

    2
  106. the number of times my jaw dropped to the floor when reading this story..like when she said she said she had never seen or CD or when she asked him to get a regular girlfriend..women are surely like a phoenix and still rise even beyond being destroyed..point to take home stay away from the church types coz when rubber meets the road its still a mans world be it in church or even with family,itll always come back to being the fault of the women! I agree with however said that men are capitalists by nature,steal,loot,plunder and leave in pieces..but finally happy to read that shes doing well and back on her feet!you go girl

    2
  107. Devil wearing a sombrero I think we drag the devil in everything too that’s not working even when he’s on leave on a nice vacation

  108. Hey Biko,

    Maybe next time get a story about women who got married hiv negative and then discovered that they are hiv positive during routine antenatal care. Or the ones who discovered that they hiv+ when their breastfeeding infants were not achieving normal developmental milestones. I have seen too many of them in the reproductive health clinic I worked at.

    Then after that we can talk about if infidelity is or is not a good reason to leave a marriage.

    7
  109. ‪Damn sex must be the dullest and most pedestrian reason for cheating. ‬
    ‪Sex? You cheated for some sex?‬
    ‪That’s it? You weren’t looking for a great companion? You weren’t looking to be spiritually or mentally nurtured? You weren’t looking to be listened to? You just wanted sex? ‬Men are so lame. Most people who cheat are the loneliest lot out there. Sex will never fill the void.

    18
  110. Dear Biko,

    Yes, I got the email notification this time. After several weeks.
    It’s a great story. Although sad that the man couldn’t be helped to save “a great marriage”. But bad things don’t necessarily happen to bad people as the lady implies! It’s just life! It sucks, sometimes, nay, most times in fact!
    Her questioning of faith doesn’t change God. Seemingly, she was taught an incomplete gospel!

    1
  111. Jose is a bit over exited with the email-notification-pain-in-the-neck thing. I have received 3 notifications today. Jose is becoming a pain in the neck .

  112. Your peace of mind and happiness comes first, if we only lived by this we would tolerate less bs in any area of our lives,marriage included.

    2
  113. I received the email notification.

    This is definitely my church, and yes we are so out of touch with marital issue realities…

    ‘a dog could jump over’… Biko, you are bad.

  114. Methinks this guy had low libido or some other sexual malfunction but had to save face by spinning tales to the wife. I mean, which man confesses that easily

  115. Wow i finally got a notification.
    And as always, such a good read. Makes me reconsider if i really want to get married. Such issues

  116. No marriage experience is ever the same, it is wrong when family members interfere with a marriage especially after one party has made a decision to go through with it for better or for worse. I would like to encourage young couples to go for pre-marital counselling before settling down in one of the best institutions in life, MARRIAGE. When you go for pre-marital counselling, at least you get to know that Pastor’s are not the only people who can counsel or give good counsel since there is normally a variety of people who counsel on various issues or matters in marriage.
    Sorry to my sister who went through all this, it never easy. Sorry to my brother too for what he was going through, must have been hard and it is sad how things ended. It is time we realize that to be a Christian is to be at war with the world, it is a cause that should never be taken lightly.

    2
  117. Infidelity is never a reason to throw away a great marriage.
    All this is the name of staying married and fulfilling society’s expectations.

    2
  118. Interviewee: …After my marriage, I talked to a lot of men about this and I’m convinced that men can still love and respect their wives but still sleep with someone else. What do you think?

    Biko: Er, I don’t know. I just work here.

    Me: *laughs*

    1
  119. I received the notification ,and accessed the site easily .
    These series is about to shutter all our expectations of marriage .Ni Kama drama .

  120. Great piece. Love, pain and sorrow. But I often wonder why you blog about painful stories. Biko, do you have a painful past that is re-told through the pain of others? This is meant in a very kind way.

    3
  121. Thanks Jose for coming through. Notification received.

    This is one very strong lady. May the Almighty God draw her back and make beauty from the ashes of her pain

    1
  122. sex addiction my foot. every man has an insatiable desire to sleep with as many women as possible in one lifetime yet every woman wants only one man for herself.its the tragedy of life.

    4
    1. There are women with an insatiable desire for men as well. Life is is just the way it is, trying to understand why everything happens the way it does is actually a bigger problem than how life happens.

      It is what it is & it shall be what it shall be

      1
  123. Going through this shit now, felt like she was giving my story… knowing that he does it with all and sundry gave me trauma that I am yet to recover from. Be it colleagues, my friends to etc. Lord have mercy

    4
      1. I would not stay with a man who’s sleeping around. Let alone one who admits it and takes me to the brothel where he gets a happy ending.
        Even God allows you to leave if someone is unfaithful.

        1
  124. I received the notification and it makes me happy.
    This story…….. Sigh.
    Church goers are just that, church goers, people with issues that are covered up by service in church and pastors that don’t quite make people accountable. The victim is pressurized to forgive yet they are in pain and when they are dealing with the hurt they are perceived to be of little faith.
    May this lady find healing and Peace in her heart.

    2
  125. Getting married at 21, young and naive church girl was the beginning of her troubles. She kept all her problems to herself, no friends, family, chama groups ???. Men get away with alot, but this dude was on another level.
    I wish them both peace

    4
  126. Yeeeiy notification received, thanks Jose!

    Enyewe basi you don’t love people at their best, you just love them because you can’t help it‍♀️

  127. Can a man sleep with another woman but still love and respect his wife? NO that is not my definition of love. Love would sacrifice for the other, love would have that inner thing of ‘what if am caught in this mess?’ love has a special inexplicable care. Respect has no place in someone who repeatedly afflicts hurt onto the other in the name of love. That said it’s sad to see what this addiction did. Leaving a trail of hurt. I hope this lady can find someone to help her change the wrong narrative she has of marriage.

    2
    1. Poor thing. First relationship wrong foundation, horrible experience. Now she hates marriage, church etc

      Because of this one human

      1
  128. Yeah don’t depend fully on anyone… Just on God.
    I hope she finds God.. Again.. In His sovereignty we’ll never understand Him, but we know in all He’s a good father.

    1
  129. You write well. I enjoy reading this article, though it makes me sad to realize I have a somewhat similar pain. Unlike her, I have deliberately gone out to aggressively get/find my happiness and stay in charge of it. Marriage is hard and painful. Most people are in a long wrong relationship, people give up on themselves because of fear of the unknown. Mi sikondi….. I make me happy hiyo marriage it’s ngoja. Habonahmed1984@gmail.com

    2
  130. I have come to learn and now convinced that when a woman loves, she loves with all her being!…well, at least most good women. I have tremendous respect for how the woman here kept it together for that long under those circumstances. Men leave relationships for far less transgressions!..
    Great piece of writing though!!

  131. There is nothing manly about sleeping around. Whether it’s for the show or to prove a point to yourself, I’m the long run it has to come to an end. You cannot be horny forever. Then what. Having multiple sex partners is not an achievement in any book. Only selfish people thing it’s something to brag about and in the long haul, you loose.

    13
    1. Thank you! Exactly what I said.

      And sad to imagine there’s a huge portion of people reading this blog who’ll inherit that as a value..and think it’s fine

      4
  132. Here’s living proof that sometimes holding on DOES MORE HARM than good.

    Here’s a woman, 12 years in toxicity, and that becomes her new norm. That from experience she has :

    1) accepted a lie that a man can claim to love his wife but still shag anything with boobs….
    2) ended up hating the whole concept of God and church etc
    3) ended hating the whole concept of marriage.

    And imagining how many thousand of people read this blog and how such “values” are slowly passed down to our generation….

    Is
    Pretty
    Sad.

    5
  133. I honestly believe that. I keep telling my friends that infidelity is never a reason to throw away a great marriage. After my marriage, I talked to a lot of men about this and I’m convinced that men can still love and respect their wives but still sleep with someone else. What do you think?”

    Wow just wow……I still believe love is a choice..you choose to love,guard and protect that other persons feelings like you would your own…..you can’t put sleeping around and respect in the same sentence…

    Anyway religion is an opium of the masses…Great piece though.I felt her pain.

    1
    1. you cant put sleeping around in the same sentence with respect..
      But you can have a great relationship with a cheating partner…
      A great marriage without respect…you lost me there

      1
  134. Happy to be back, notification received! Thanks Jose

    Wow Biko humor in all pieces, theres a little spice addes onto every sad story you write. Thrilled at the never aging face i will have since every tuesday im all laughter.

    Well in on the story, lessons learnt and people do really have overwhelming lives. All the best to her , her babies and hope she finds love again.

  135. Email notification finally came through. Thanks Biko
    Beautiful piece. I hope she finds peace in this new journey. Forgiving and letting go…

  136. Imperfections “are not cured by religion” I can adjure her not to lose the faith coz in reality “we are taught wrong about it.” Great realistic piece

    1
  137. Ooh i loved the paragraph of how we blame the devil. Tihihihi….She should not give up on God. We will never understand why but we always have lessons learned from each experience. Then i think the church counselors should be certified counselors who dwell on both the psychological and spiritual aspects of the issues that humans suffer from ( sio forgiveness pekee, deal with the why it happened)

    1
  138. Infidelity destroys marriages, it’s a reason to leave and to break the vows. Marriage is about two people both working hard to make the union work. When one chooses to cheat he breaks the chain that both were working on from both ends ,how then does it work with one trying to hold on when the other let go of it. Its a fallacy that one can love and respect another yet cheat and keep on cheating. There’s no love there

    2
  139. Awwww..the things people always endure in life.
    Marriage is a school on it’s on level where there are no tutorials but a hands on job. You get to learn while in it.

    1
  140. She started getting these bad headaches. Nasty headaches that couldn’t go away. She tried many doctors. She’d be given tablets like Tegretol but the headaches would not go. So they went to see this neurologist at Nairobi hospital who told her husband to wait outside while he spoke to her in private. “He told me to tell him what was going on in my life and I unburdened everything to him. It felt good to speak to someone.” The doctor told her that her problem was not physical but psychological. He prescribed some drugs and the headaches went away never to return.

    That was the turning point for her. Women need to get here to realize staying in marriage might kill them. I wish Maggie would read this.

    1
  141. Hello.. i feel the story isnt yet over, as she hasnt really explained her present state spriritually and what next moves she is going to take about the same

    1
  142. Why do people keep refering to this lady as strong? Strong in your books means tolerating bullshit to the point of losing oneself? Which man would put up with this type of behaviour? Let’s not making cheating a norm. Weak and selfish people are the ones who destroy others. Don’t get involved with anyone’s daughter if your intentions are not pure. I hope the same doesn’t happen to his daughter. Chances are it will, just to remind him of how he treated someone else’s daughter. That’s the cycle of life.

    14
    1. Precisely! I hate that reference. Being strong is being able to go through natural calamities without breaking down but not through pain inflicted by another person intentionally. I don’t wish to subscribe to her version of strong if that is what strong means. This is how people stay in relationships that are not working coz they want to be viewed as ‘strong’.

      3
    1. True story. Once a cheat always a cheat. If you’re with a man who cheats on his wife, he has the DNA of a cheat. Don’t expect an different when he’s with you.

      7
  143. Nice quips by Biko as always, however, I don’t agree with this notion of he can love you and still cheat. infidelity is wrong and disrespectful to any woman. No woman should compromise. The man simply made her believe he is the best by performing husband duties and giving her attention. This gives a false sense that he is the best, there is no better men out there, which is a lie. Do not compromise, never settle for less than you deserve.

    7
  144. These men who sleep around also tend to have a lot of time in their hands and not enough money in their bank account. I really wonder why that’s the case? Someone, anyone please enlighten me.

    8
    1. ‪Playboy stuff interfering with their success. That’s usually the case. ‬ Chasing skirts instead of chasing the money. That’s my two cent.

      9
  145. Waah!! very strong woman she is a good person…despite having shortcomings the guy was a good person too….a lot of counselling was needed beside the church people. I may say a professional Councillors would have helped the marriage.

    1
  146. Could this be as a result of naivety? What roles do parents/guardians play to ensure their kids learn to tell the tell tale signs in relationships? And her military dad, what was his reaction to her situation?….Sad though what she had to go through. Great piece Biko!

    1
  147. You need the innocence to be married but you need to wisen up. She didn’t have to take that crap but she stuck to her vows. It’s a thin line….

    1
  148. I agree with her on a few things:-
    1) Why do bad things happen to good people, a gal who has led a clean life ends up having a shitty marriage while one who hawked her nookie all over leads a happily ever after kind of marriage?

    2) Church counselling is so crappy and so unreal, pay a professional therapist if you want help;

    3) Church is not always the best place to get a spouse, wengi huko ni majambazi;

    4) I understand her when she says she feels lost in church

    5) Love is not a feeling, its a process.

    2
  149. The Church should have told her that sex is a basic need for a man, how do you only have sex 20 times in 12 years? Didnt she also have sexual needs?

    2
  150. I think it’s a hard place to be. But you gotta decide whether you’ll stay or not early enough. Because they never change. The day they start cheating they’ll continue, since it gets easier to do so.

    1
  151. “Love is not a feeling. Love is a verb. Love is respect.”
    What’s piece!
    Oh yes, something was definitely wrong with the website and so many grammatical errors.

    2
  152. It’s first and foremost an “intimate-relationship with God” and not “our service to God”. The latter is secondary as it should be an outpouring of the former.
    God’s grace still abounds and I hope she warms up to it..

    But wow! This life!

    1
  153. Received. This a great piece especially from a life experience. Niko, her conclusion is not something new the bible does not permit divorce even when adultery is a problem but its a test of time and faithfulness to both . as a woman I know we can be pushy sometimes and its worse when no one offers a shoulder even to I’m fine lady.I love the fact that the man would open up and never violent that is a big plus and a confirmation we are all work of grace in need of Christ mercy daily its well and we pray the man gets better

    1
  154. I’m not married but I think I’m smart enough to know that infidelity is a big deal, no woman or man should put up with such disrespect. What is love? One can’t claim to love another and yet sleep around with other people hurting the spouse in the process in the name of sex addiction. He should have been having the sex with the wife as he tries to deal with the addiction.
    Anyway, she’s a strong woman and I wish her all the happiness in the world.

    1
  155. “Infidelity is never a reason to throw away a great marriage…” Cheating is the most disrespectful thing anyone can do to their spouse. Someone who cheats on you does not love and respect you.

  156. This one……………………I feel her, I get her, I have been there in ‘small portions’ damn it they are always ‘some church folks’ I also wonder if i will ever get married again……………yet mine was even a son to a Reverend who never missed church and when he spoke, buts would commune outside our house to listen, heck he didn’t even look like he could kill a flea (my mother said that to him once) . All the best Lady……………I hope you will start living and heck maybe date because romance is what makes the heart beat faster and slower at the same time, I know i should say that to myself too!

    4
  157. I never understood why God hardened Pharaoh’s heart until I watched T. D. Jakes’ Blind Spot sermon on YouTube. True, the same sun that melts wax hardens clay. It all comes down to the substance we are made of as individuals.

    Whatever happened to the instincts our mothers used to have? Are their opinions valuable anymore? Are our instincts sharp enough for us to be resourceful to our children when such a time comes? Would they even involve us in the process?

    2
  158. Women go through alot…they carry the most weight and these are the same men call wife materials…the others are rachets…rachets defining those women not being able to stay all through this kinda acts…
    She should go back to the church…God has already booked her a space…rooting for God doesn’t mean a good life…good life is waiting beyond this life

    1
  159. “I loved how he loved me. He would do anything for me”… why that comment haunts me more than the actual story? I don’t know. What is love? (Other than the generic “love is a verb, love is a choice…” etc). What really does it really mean to love?

  160. Am I the only one thinking the most powerful message she wanted to pass is at the very end? That she now does not now believe in christianity and salvation because of all what she went through

    1
  161. I think the devil and his very organized legions are at work 24/7 seeking to devour anything of promise. He is a very intelligent being, a liar and a destroyer. He’s not relaxed on some hellish beach. That’s why St Peter admonishes believers to be sober and vigilant. 1 Peter 5:8
    I think she should not be offended at God. She should continue believing, continue hoping, continue serving as there’s a world over yonder. This world is simply not our home, it is a fallen world and bad things happen aplenty here. We should keep the faith.

    7
    1. Biko has a point, the rate at which we blame the devil is wanting.
      The bible says God gives us free will to choose right and wrong. That is why no one is forced to go to church or even adhere to goo morals.
      People should own up to their shortcomings.
      A man is not a failure until he begins to blame someone else for his mistakes

  162. I’ve balanced tears today. This is the true definition of love. One bad act doesn’t make a good person does and personally if i had to choose between infidelity and violence, infidelity any day.
    Yes i did get my email notification.

    1
  163. Very authentic piece and surprising how the whole dark part didn’t make this girl doubt the truth she knew when there was light . Big lessons to pick from her story.

    1
  164. Wow! What a piece! I am envious of these women who bump into true love in their first relationship. Anyway, even with that said, I want to try reason like this, the man noticed that the woman had never dated anyone except him and decided to go for « fruit salad ». Ha! This is sad. I think there is no excuse for a cheating man. And thinking that they went for months without the man touching his wife is simply un fathomable! This is sad leondigo!
    Always your top fan! You never disappoint !

    1
  165. Great piece sad though……… I doubt any man would go through the same and remain faithful to the wife.

    Biko I got my notification for this piece.

    Does lights on ever go on Biko? I’ve been checking but nothing ……..

  166. “I honestly believe that. I keep telling my friends that infidelity is never a reason to throw away a great marriage. After my marriage, I talked to a lot of men about this and I’m convinced that men can still love and respect their wives but still sleep with someone else.”

    Now this is what happens when you’ve been cheated on so many times it doesn’t hurt no more.
    You start thinking it’s normal.
    Then you start trying to get other women to join your camp.

    Sad really.

    1
    1. Finally! Someone with my sentiments. You go through so much hell until you start thinking that’s the new norm and then start spreading the gospel.

      Leave while you still have breath in your lungs woman!

  167. Simply put, it was wrong from the onset…she was 21 and he was 28…enough said…and yes, I got an email notification and logged in just fine..great piece!

    1
  168. That was zero to a hundred in every other way for this woman…she has gone through so much….she has a strong character….she keeps her word and thoughtful of others!! Quite a read!!

    1
  169. A wedding was quickly convened to right the wrong of that bun baking in the oven…

    They got married for the wrong reason. It would never have worked out in the end….

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  170. I believe the woman is partly to blame for her woes . The guy clearly got repulsed by his wife . Notice that , after having their baby , he lost interest in her ……..why ? answer that yourself .

  171. Women you don’t HAVE to be married, It’s not an achievement by any standard. Most married women watch happiness dancing in the garden because it refuses to enter their homes. Being single is a hundred times more fulfilling. Trust me.

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  172. I read somewhere…(.I can’t recall where) that SOME men either categorize you as their Madonna or their Whore.
    So using that reasoning I suppose if a man puts his wife on a pedestal then he cannot imagine doing crude things to her and goes out to seek whores and I suppose if you are a whore then men don’t really want you to be their wife….don’t know if that makes sense…again I read it somewhere and I don’t believe it but here we are yet again.!!!!!

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  173. Give someone a chance to disrespect you and they will do it over and over again. There is more to this world than a single person making it look like your life is in his hands. Children can be taken care of through co parenting other than staying in a bad relationship with the risk of having psychological problems which end up affecting both partners.

  174. Chocolate man is back:-) great piece Biko! I was beginning to give up on this Women and Marriage series, this one is real and deep! @Jose thanks, email notification is working.

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  175. I thought Ten percent was about tithes until I read it!Nice title,great read as usual..Life,ooh life the turns and twists are what make life worthwhile.

    I did get the notification.thanks