This Sickness

   194    
4

I was supposed to have written this yesterday, instead I’m writing this on a Sunday morning. It’s a still morning. No ripple. The sky the colour of colic. There is the droning sound of a plane passing somewhere 25,000 feet overhead, seatbelts sign off, the refreshment tray rattling down the aisle: Sparkling water, please, thank you. There is a small dog barking incessantly somewhere in the neighbourhood and a mourning dove calling from a rooftop. I love when doves call. I want to come back as a dove. A white dove with a beige beak and an amber chest. A female dove preferably, so that I can lay eggs. I think it must be fun to feel an egg coming out of you. I strongly suspect that doves enjoy the experience of laying eggs.

We will live this life abundantly – drink fine whisky, drive cars that smell of us, raise well-adjusted children, create loyal friendships, see lions walking on the streets, do only what we are passionate about, fall asleep at night with beautiful books open on our chest, taste chilled rosé off the lips of a gorgeous woman, sit on a train through Europe with our heads resting against a window, change the life of an orphan in a children’s home, love our Lord mercilessly, feel love drip into a puddle in our stomach when the national anthem is played in Rio – but we will never know how good it is to have an egg come out of us, and that is a tragedy. Birds hold that privilege. We will never know. Mornings like this, when I’m hydrating last night’s sins and I’m lying in bed, my hand in my shorts like all boys and men do distractedly, I think about doves and how they lay eggs, how good they must feel when three or four smooth eggs come out of them and they sit on them, keep them warm and wait for them to crack, and for small beautiful beaks to peep out and taste the air of an already fractured world.

Unfortunately, thinking about doves laying eggs isn’t the best use of my time. I realise that I need to get out of bed and do some writing. But it’s impossible. It’s impossible to get up and do the needful. It’s easier to think of dove’s laying eggs. In my in-tray are 4,500 words that need to be written by dusk. Things that have piled up. Things I have left to pile up. Now they are here, and they are staring at me in the eye knowing that I will blink first.

Instead, I think of birds.

Hi, my name is Jackson Biko and I am a serial procrastinator.

And a dove lover.

And I need help.

Do you know the hardest bit about being in Jua Kali for me? (Apart from someone you just met tugging your sleeve saying, “You should write about those men who pee by the roadside, Biko, so disgusting!”) It’s invoicing and then chasing for your payment. I hate invoicing because it’s so colorless. I think when we finally die and troop to the pearly gates, we will hear screams. Anguished screams and gnashed teeth and when we finally ask Angel Gabby what the ruckus is all about, is that the infamous hell, Angel Gabby? He will shake his head and say, “No, that’s worse than hell, that’s a special place for the people who invented the invoice….mostly accountants, well, a good number of them.”

I always let my invoices pile up. Putting them off as much as I can, and then one day after I realise I’m broke and school fees are due, I take a big breath, sit down and write them, and when I’m done I feel like someone touched me inappropriately. I feel violated. I want to sue. Because no man who pays his taxes should be put through the ordeal of invoicing or chasing his money.  Especially since you always have to attach a small handwritten note to the dreaded accountants and write ‘herewith’ or ‘with kind regards’, being polite when you really don’t want to, and if you know they are born again you have to say something like, “Have a blessed day, Patrick,” so that he feels like you are so God fearing (of course you are) with the hope that he will think, “Ah, Biko is a man of great faith [I am], let me expedite this maneno quickly and have him get paid.” Wapi. These are the worst accountants because they never bend the rules to have you paid faster. Accountants are as cold as Siberian fish. I wonder if accountants allow their women to cuddle them in bed.

I have many invoices I’m yet to write. I dream of writing them in my sleep. Sometimes when I’m reading and I run into the word “description” or “quantity” or “particulars” I feel my stomach rumble with guilt. Or the word “VAT” which is the ugliest acronym ever invented. Yes, far worse than STD. If there was a jail for acronyms, VAT would be locked in isolation, only allowed to come out to get some sun for 30 minutes a day. VAT would be allowed to shower only once, with cold water and jogoo soap. Then fed bean soup with no salt. There would be no appeal for VAT because VAT cannot be rehabilitated into general population.

The problem isn’t even VAT. I really suffer from procrastination. I have those yellow post office registered mail slips that have been sitting in my car for ages. Kim will join high school before I pick up that mail. If someone had sent a spare forehead in the post, it would be spoilt by now. That’s not even the worst of it, you should see my starred emails. I ‘star’ emails that I plan to work on. Sigh. I have a constellation of them. A milky way of them. Untouched. Lonely emails that I wanted to react to but just didn’t find the resolve to. If you ever sent me an email that I didn’t respond to, it’s probably starred, rife with great intention but killed by procrastination. I apologise, dear fan. I will immediately get round to it. Tomorrow.

I don’t even know how I meet my deadlines. At True Love I send in my copy when they are going to press the next day. This is after Judy has called and whatsapped and threatened me and said, “Biko, we will go to press without you, I swear…” Only then do I magically find an hour and with adrenaline coursing through my body, I bang something out. Don’t even get Sonni of Yummy magazine started on my lateness. My motto is if I can put it off a minute longer, I will. My system is geared for pressure. My organs were built for the last minute, which is complete irony because my impatience is legendary.

I seek camaraderie in the words of Bill Watterson, “You can’t just turn creativity on like a faucet, you have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last minute panic.” Or someone who said, “If it weren’t for the last minute, I wouldn’t get anything done.” Or “Procrastination always gives you something to look forward to.” Or – and I promise this is the last one – “I like work, it fascinates me, I can sit and look at it for hours.” Haha. I love that one.

By the way, this post today isn’t going anywhere, but please don’t leave. Don’t leave me here alone here with all these words, stay. Please.

As I was saying, I’m sick from procrastination. And sick of it. I ail from it. I need someone to find my vein and stick a drip in it. I need to have a doctor look into my eyes with a torch and see how procrastination has sucked up my hemoglobin. I’m pale from it.  I don’t know if Resolution Health covers for procrastination. Do they cover it under “terminal illness?” It would be discriminatory if they didn’t. Immigration forms that ask us if we have been to any of those Ebola-prone countries should ask if we have been in contact with someone suffering from procrastination in the past three weeks. And if there ever is any heart at KRA, they should create a tax exemption for Procrastinators.

When I go to a doctor and he asks, “Any known family illnesses?” I’m always tempted to tell him “Yeah, procrastination, probably!”

“Any known allergies?”

“Yes, aspirin and efficiency.”

“Do you have any history of mental illnesses in your family, Jackson?”

“Is night-running under mental health or physical health?”

“Uhm, please don’t touch that, Mr. Jackson.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s my foot!”

“But it’s wooden.”

“Yes, it’s called a prosthetic.”

“Oh.”

I postpone everything. Meeting people. Writing stories. Starting projects. Making peace with good people I have written about and offended massively (*cough*Caleb*cough*). Talking of which, sometimes I don’t plan to write about stuff people tell me. It just comes out. It’s the devil. I never mean ill. I’m a decent person.  I’m SDA. In my defence I never think that people’s girlfriend’s or wives will read and think, “hey, hang on, this guy is writing about my man!” It’s not really my fault that you went and married or dated an intelligent woman. Besides, who am I to write about if I don’t write about the people I interact with? Come on, man.

OK, fine, I’m sorry Caleb.

Stop sulking. Put your toys back in the pram. We have come from far, boss. I knew you when you used to wear shoes with buckles, for chrissake. We are boys first. Boys! Tell madam that I’m an idiot and a buffoon and I’m sorry if I  hurt her feelings by extension and that I need back in the invitee list of her lovely home. Tell her I said she looked stunning last time as usual, but more than anything else that she is a good person, a great soul, a child of God and God wants us to forgive idiots like me.

And this is a public apology. How sorry can a man be?

So? Drink? I’m buying. Explorer. Saape. Slims.  I could say that you can even order those honey glazed chicken wings and fries that you love but you really need to watch that waistline. Hehe.  No, seriously, don’t let me beg, boss. Don’t let me say that I miss you. Please don’t, not after I have already said that I want to come back as a dove and lay eggs.

Apologizing to Caleb isn’t the only thing I have procrastinated. There is also the StanChart marathon.

You know what I said last year? I would run the StanChart half marathon. I practiced for it. Ate right. Slept enough. I was ready. Then I kept saying I would register. I even put reminders on everything – my laptop, phone, everything. But I treat reminders like I treat those reminders MacBook sends us about updates which I just click, “Try tonight” and go on with my life. Suffice to say, the deadline for the StanChart marathon came and registrations closed. I called someone who knows someone at StanChart and asked them if I could get in and they said I couldn’t. Not even for double the fee.

This year might just be the same. I will wait until StanChart start screaming about deadlines and even extending the registration deadline, and what will I do – just sit pretty. Then when registration finally closes, I will look shocked. I know it’s coming. There are two weeks to close of registration, 31st August. But I’m Kenyan I don’t care for deadlines.

But I should register. I know I should but when I think that the deadline is two weeks away I feel like it will never come. Two weeks feels like two months. But it’s only 31st, literally around the bend. But somehow I can’t. I’m unable to. This sickness.

I will do it tomorrow. Hopefully.

 

***

The Bikozulu Writing Masterclass is now open for registration. The class will be between 7th to 9th September. We are only looking for 20 people. To register please send an email to [email protected] and a lovely lady will respond to you. She hates being called Flo so please call her Flo.

 

Cover Image Source

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

4
194 Comments
      1. hehehe this thing is hard I always miss it you refresh and refresh then forget, go pee and when you come back there are 100 comments

    1. Come on, don’t be that chic Rael. I hold you in high esteem. Always have. I even believe you don’t procrastinate. That you are a serious-ass chic that writes things on time. Good things. Not things like “I’m second”. Things that you thought of at 3am in the morning and typed away over strong coffee till you saw the sun announce its presence gloriously like akina Rudisha there at Rio. I see you like a fine-wine kinda chic. You know with a classy attitude and those my-life-better-than-yours high heeled lady shoes. A lady that writes and buys designer handbags. Those handbags that have a personality of their own. Those that can get a visa to go on holiday and get hit on by male handbags. Wait, are there male handbags? Haha I would love to be a Burberry male handbag and hit on cute handbags like those you own Rael. Ok, enough of that. Biko why the hell do you want to come back as a dove? A female dove! I think my best shot would be to reincarnate as a duck in a fancy home there at Karen. Floating on fresh ponds and impressing my probably corrupt government official owner. Good read. Cheers to all bloggers who procastinate (I taking the lead).

      3
      1. I need a like button, I don’t want to mar the beauty of all those beautiful words you have written Wesh with unnecessary words

      2. Wesh ,I just learnt of you,as a blogger,today.As in, right now.I would ike to subscribe to your blog but it seems i would have to auction my kidneys first.I mean,is your website that hard to operate or I am just an uncertified idiot.

      3. 🙂 Wesh…My bags actually hit on the female handbags and yes, there are male bags.
        See,there is wanting to be the one leaving the
        first comment here and the best you can do after refreshing
        the page for close to two hours, two things come to mind:
        Eureka or first…So, first is to deal with the excitement then go back and read Biko’s thoughts.
        In between getting lost in the emotions or stuck on his thoughts, like I am right now..
        Biko, why would you want to reincarnate as anything female? Do you know how hard it is
        dealing with hormones…
        Well noted though…I will write good things Wesh

      4. Now ,that was a good one.you are awriter boy.so when you mentioned you are a blogger too,clicked to follow you,but damn!man why would u put all those security passwords before accessing your account,at first thought was tryna open some porn site

  1. I write and post my blog early morning. 2am. Night offers a serene environment, when all trouble has gone to bed. [P.S. depends on your neighbourhood though, if you live in an apartment where there is a church above you and a bar below, and a ladies hostel next door, you shall know no peace.]
    Anyway, writing at night is best for deadlines, I find.

    As for invoicing, let me tell you something. I take joy in it. I can never tire from asking for money that is due to me; mostly because I do not have that much money. The part I hate is having to wait for a three decades for the cheque to come out. You it seems you have so much money you forget to ask for more. If you need a PA to invoice and quote, call me. I am your man. I will only take something small for my time.

    1. Magunga,This is how else you could lose her series has been splendid alright. Part five though. Part five was glorious…tastes like a promise begging to be kept. Best sentence I have read all year.

    2. Reminds me of ’60 Travails of a Nairobi blogger’http://www.magunga.com/60-travails-of-freelance-bloggers-in-nairobi/

    3. I write in traffic. That thick heavy Nairobi traffic that is like cold porridge. Right after I get my change from those amnesiac touts I type away. The pressure between finishing the piece before having to alight fuels my imagination. Also chances are if it is not a Monday I could end up in a local and that would not be ideal for my waking up at 2. But boss… 2? By any chance do you also ran? Naked. Past the women hostels and throw sand on their roof?

    4. That’s because you are a trained lawyer. You may deny it, you may hate it,you may even burn your degree. But everytime you revel in drafting a boring documeng boss, that’s the lawyer in you flexing a muscle.
      With that said,I’m teaching myself how to make a badass invoice today. Then I’ll stalk procrastinators like Biko and find some way of earning some kidogo pocket money. LLB with all its airs (you know, like your mum ‘casually’ mentioning to her friends that you are ‘doing law’ doesn’t pay a dime.
      Biko wewe jua as you procrastinate,there will be people seeing that as opportunity.

    5. Omera Wuod Karua,

      I Was About to Ask Biko Where the Hell You Went.

      Thought Joe Black had Taken You to Ukambani.

      Kare in mana tie podi.

      Cheers!

    6. And if you need someone to be your assistant, I am your man. Third in the chain. I am smooth at it. http://mzangila.com/

    7. Magunga my new found love!part five was a killer man and even though i know that you hate it em going to ask anyway..is there part 6?

    8. Guess i must be using an analog phone.i mean , been trying to open your blog page n read what you write bu seems next to impossible…kindly is there a way i can be added.

  2. Accountants are as cold as Siberian fish. I wonder if accountants allow their women to cuddle them in bed. Aaaah Chocolate man!You made my day, as always 🙂

    1. I know right?! I have experience in that… not that I married one, I am just associated with too many for comfort 🙂

  3. Even thogh this led nowhere i still enjoyed it…”Accountants are as cold as Siberian fish”… oh n this public apology should do caleb, give chocolate man another chance 🙁

  4. ‘If someone had sent a spare forehead in the post, it would be spoilt by now.’ I have been a silent reader for too long. Great piece, you never disappoint Biko!

  5. ” I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do – the day after.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

    ” Don’t postpone something that your co-worker can do today.” – Nelson Mandela.

    1. Lol! Writing is for the lazy. I may not be a writer per se but I draft posts in my head an then on paper when it is convenient or something like that.

  6. Just like you Biko, we shall wait for Sept 6th at 5:14 pm and call Flo..And because she is Kenyan, she will rant and rave and then sympathize. Nice read

    1. Be glad Biko & Flo don’t operate the way our industry does: It’s all in the fine print.
      Flo will politely reply, “Kindly refer to our terms & condition of service (fyi, a 15+ page document with phrases
      like force majeure) clause 5, section c) ii. I believe you acknowledged receipt on [insert date].”
      And it doesn’t matter whose N.o on have speed dial. She won’t budge. Harsh but it takes care of procrastinators & the chronically dodgy.

  7. Biko you and your weird thoughts, ati how an egg feels when it comes out of you.
    To give you credit I know you have a lot of articles to post every week and you always manage to have something new every time.
    “If someone had sent a spare forehead in the post, it would be spoilt by now.” That’s the line that killed me. I’m also a member of the big forehead club and I have acne just to top it all off.

  8. Biko!!!! Hee hee, tell Caleb if he doesn’t forgive you after this he’s heartless!!
    Lovely read as always.. Probably send you a new forehead by
    Courier instead of mailing it in the post!!

  9. Biko, Biko why put of for tomorrow something you can put off for the day after tomorrow? This made me feel so human. Thanks ol man.

  10. Hi, I am Bumblebee. I am a procrastinator and I take no pride in I.

    (I think we should all start a club and help each other)

    Like I have always wanted to register for the master class, I put it off and when the deadline comes, I used up all the money

    1. I like the name Bumble Bee. Sounds mystic and all 🙂 And Hi, I am Wesh, a chronic procrastinator. I write blog articles in my head, laugh at them and then that’s it! I need help! We need help.

      1. We could form a support group… Procrastination Anonymous … Hi, I am Julius, I have a thousand poems, plays and novels written… in my mind… All: Hi Julius…

        1. Hi, I’m Michael or Mikeinioluwa. I think (am not sure) I’m a procrastinator. I’ll gladly join The P Club

  11. Biko that as always speak of what i go through i think the last minute adrenaline rush could have some effects on us because i try to avoid it but i get back. Nice piece.

  12. After talking about procrastinating and putting off registering for stanchart marathon and right below it I see this: “The Bikozulu Writing Masterclass is now open for registration. The class will be between 7th to 9th September. We are only looking for 20 people. To register please send an email to [email protected] ……” hehe I couldn’t help but smile

  13. Since i have had enough of procastination and i plan to change..this is how i start..respond in line..not after thread stayed 3 weeks innmy email. #Wakeupcalll

  14. get an assistant. preferably someone with zero humor who will stare u down when u think of being cheeky.follow u everywhere and make registrations for you, do YOUR a/c

  15. Hahahaha the post went no where except to giggle corner and found the procrastination dx that she had to keep checking sideways just to see if someone is seeing through my guilt to procrastination. Can we sponsor a doctor specializing on this?? AWESOME BIKO!!!!

  16. Hi Flo, i will register on 6th at 11.56… or come panting on 7th before the session starts… I will not mind double the fee… Poor accountants 🙁

  17. self proclaimed procrastinator! i work best under pressure. its kinda exciting though, especially if all turns out great.

  18. I knew you are sda. I usually put off reading this article till my bathroom break. And I wanted to add this. Did you know laying an egg is like going for number 2?
    Bass now you know

  19. …And because we are the gang, and we help each other once you find the cure to procrastination send me the pharmacist number.I put off everything and anything that can be put off for a later time,rush the last minute, promise myself it’s the last time only to procrastinate everything else that can be… a terminal illness it is

  20. Hihihi Biko, one more thing, Procrastination is the thief of time and it is sin.We love you though Biko here in UG.

  21. “By the way, this post today isn’t going anywhere, but please don’t leave. Don’t leave me here alone here with all these words, stay. Please.” hahah… we always stay. I mean 😀

  22. I am Wangeci…first of my name (lol)…and i am a serial procrastinator!I am also an Accountant( thanks for the love Biko)…and i love cuddling!

  23. Only you Biko I can forgive for this rumbling. I don’t even forgive myself. But you I will because I Know you must have needed it.

  24. The art of taking a rest before you get tired… because prevention is better than cure.

    Hi i am a procrastinator, Mungu anisaidie.

    Adrenaline serves one of two purposes “fight or flight”.

    I find that often when backed into a corner we can get very creative, it’s like a hidden tap at the back of the mind is opened up and ideas just seem to suddenly flow. Sometimes I even leave a project to the last absolute minute if I can’t find the clarity I need to get out my best, that last minute adrenaline works miracles – most of the time.

    I keep wondering though, how do I find ways to consistently be at the top of my game in everything I do. Not easy but possible – yes.

    Often, our best work happens when we’re in a situation we wouldn’t have chosen for ourselves. The hard part is choosing to be in that sort of situation in the first place, the uncomfortable one where we have no choice but to do better work.
    Find your every minute adrenaline if you can. If you care.

  25. We ladies know a thing or two about an egg coming out of you; and its not all flowers and rainbow as you imagine for doves. It calls for hormones and cramps and mixed emotions to top it.

  26. Please share the cure when you find it.Give magunga the job of chasing the cheques for you.We cannot leave this blog even when you feel the post is going no where so yeah Caleb will forgive you definately who wouldn’t forgive chocolate man?

  27. First of all, I hate numbers. They are cold and colourless and tasteless. I hate it when someone says “These are the numbers” my brain just switches off. They are inflexible and lack creativity.
    “You can’t just turn creativity on like a faucet, you have to be in the right mood. What mood is that?” True true true! something that number guys don’t understand. They just want numbers. *end of rant*

    1. Numbers are fun, when you finish off a financial model and everything is working just right, the buttons, the slides, the balances whew…….bliss
      It’s beautiful with blue marks no reds showing up randomly telling you a formula somewhere is not working and the best color of them all green, showing a healthy balance sheet.

  28. Spot on Biko. I am one of those guys that won’t get anything done until someone threatens of dire consequences if I do not accomplish duties or beat deadlines. Someone really needs to slap me out of this procrastination stupor. Any ideas Biko?…There I go asking a fellow cripple to rise up and and get me a glass of water!!!

  29. once you find a remedy to your ailment halla at a sister.
    biko thanks for the visit in your twisted mind. i love it

  30. “I postpone everything. Meeting people. Writing stories. Starting projects.”
    I proscrastinate when it comes to writing. I don’t know how to procrastinate when it involves receiving money. True story.

  31. I read this part in King Julian’s voice “I need someone to find my vein and stick a drip in it. I need to have a doctor look into my eyes with a torch and see how procrastination has sucked up my hemoglobin.”

  32. Biko, I think we are in the same sneakers…shoes, sorry. I write my blog posts anytime past midnight. Most times, I’ll just shutdown and lie to myself that I’ll do it tomorrow. And then tomorrow will never come. It’s not easy being a writer.

    PS. This reminds me of Magunga’s Travails of a Blogger.

    mikeinioluwa.wordpress.com

  33. Biko, the moment you say this post is not going anywhere, I was hooked… Am a fan, and am hopeful that I will join the class…

  34. I definately have to join that self help group of procastinators totally relate. Nice read as always Niko! May Caleb find it in him to forgive you

  35. today you have treated us with a boring piece Mr.Biko,lakini nimelearn some new words,in fact I was reading in the library but due to procrastination I got myself reading the whole passage.

  36. Biko,
    There’s this awesome app called ‘Do it tomorrow’.. The tag line is,”Why do it today if you can push it to tomorrow? “

  37. Brilliant! It’s procrastinators anonymous meet up, excepting over a piece of brilliant writing on procrastination. It is a sickness…My people! Almost did not write this.

  38. Procrastinators have been around since the days of Noah and his Arch…And they had no qualms about the wrath that was yet to be unleashed from the heavens above.Procrastinators,even after a Zillion years will be the only species to have outlived the Dinosaurs.

  39. I am Cathy not Cate. A procrastinator.
    I don’t understand why people want to read and Comment on the blog post as the first ones. The fun is in the comments. So what I do when I see the email address notification, is wait for like an hour or two then come back and read it as a whole. I usually follow up on the comments ‘tomorrow’.

  40. Procrastinator per excellence…as for the standard chartered marathon just use the previous years t shirt……or in ur case borrow one if you forget to register again….

  41. I have this blog and it takes me like three weeks
    to write an article. It takes me a while to
    decide. I research but finally after many many days
    I sit down and it flows. Just thinking…could there
    be correation between proclastination and creativity

  42. wow..you have given me an insight into how procastinators’ minds work. I try and do things way before time and from my experiences with people, I can say non-procastinators are rare.

  43. I am a do it later person. It hurts me. It is sickness. I am always making resolutions to be a better planner after very procrastination backfires on me. Hopefully, with a little discipline, i will overcome. I am an accountant too, and procrastinated work loads can mess your numbers big time.

  44. hahahahaha thank God i only studied accounting but not practised hehehehehe i would be unable to cuddle the accountant in bed.hahahahahha Biko hillarious

  45. Aha! Biko, if you ever find a remedy for procrastination, would you be kind enough to share it.No matter how early i pack our suitcases, my hubby absolutely waits till the last minute to do every important thing he was suppose to do much earlier . it’s only by luck or should i say God’s grace that we’ve never missed our flights,but we are certainly the last people to check in. ALWAYS!

  46. Today, idiscovered am not the only one suffering from this sickness.I also need that doctor to look at me and prescribe something that will end this 3 decade sickness! Hey Biko, tell me when you get a prescription.

  47. That moment when you’d rather listen to the rattling of the refreshment trolley of a plane flying 25000 feet above sea level other than do the invoices…you need HELP!

  48. You will come back as a dove alright
    but before you lay any eggs, some
    neighborhood bully will break your neck.
    Your owner, a shy young guy with a
    terrible lisp named Mike will fight the
    bully in your honor and for his.
    He will go on to be a world heavyweight
    boxing champion. #ABirdsLife.

  49. The adrenaline that make one do work they have held for 2 weeks in just 2 hours and it still turns out excellent!!! I owe a million and more thanks to it.

  50. Well My name is Dan, an accountant, a lover of poetry and reading and a serial procrastinator. I have this blog I always say I’ll write on an accountant’s daily experience. Can it get any worse?

  51. I have been procrastinating ever commenting.I don’t even know how I meet my deadlines. At True Love I send in my copy when they are going to press the next day. This is after Judy has called and whatsapped and threatened me and said, “Biko, we will go to press without you, I swear…” Only then do I magically find an hour and with adrenaline coursing through my body, I bang something out. Don’t even get Sonni of Yummy magazine started on my lateness. My motto is if I can put it off a minute longer, I will. My system is geared for pressure. My organs were built for the last minute, which is complete irony because my impatience is legendary.

  52. Wah, this is me reading @Biko’s 24 hours later! Nice piece. I have to reread what you wrote about Caleb to warrant such a PA (public apology).

  53. Always on point. Advice thou,If you spend less time beating yourself up for procrastinating, you can redirect that energy into breaking down a project into manageable tasks and actually tackling your to-do list instead.

  54. My name is Wanjiku Njoroge and I’m a recovering serial procrastinator.
    I am also an accountant in the making and I would like to believe I’m not as cold as
    the Siberian fish(yet?)

  55. I think doctors should do some kind of a research and give us a diagnosis.. This thing called procrastination is a disease Jackson.
    And u think u are suffering? I kept pushing this post, and here I am several hours later reading and shamelessly posting a comment. If comments had deadlines though… I can’t

  56. Tell madam that I’m an idiot and a buffoon and I have a big forehead that has a way of helping me do damn things like these and that I am sorry.

  57. How do I put it so you get it? Procrastination has killed me, bought a coffin, stashed me in there naked and put me 6 feet under. I need help wale munaanza Procrastinators Anonymous muanze na mimi tafadhali.

  58. “I wonder if accountants allow their women to cuddle them in bed.” Stop hating on us Chocolate Man… We are cool people. Nice read though

  59. This our sickness…
    The whole post resonated with me: especially the part about sending out invoices…
    Kindly someone: find a cure for this ‘terminal’ illness…

  60. I once came across an article that that said procrastinators and late comers are not lazy but have an abnormal fear of finishing everything early and having nothing to do.

  61. That awkward moment when I postponed reading this post up until this moment, and voila,it’s about us. Procrastinators Anonymous.
    Let’s purpose to change …….. soon (:

  62. I can’t even express how much I liked this article. I know it’s a bit too late since I have been procrastinating reading the article (I regret), but I thoroughly enjoyed it. The comments were spot on too. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

  63. Hello,
    My name is Madam procrastinator, i postponed reading this for 5 days and a few hours. Interesting read, some reality check with humor!I postpone everything including getting married(lol) he thinks i am not ready but i keep saying next year every other year. “She hates being called Flo, please call her Flo.”

  64. Hi biko. Are you able to control the pop up adverts on the page? Not the ones in between the text but another that seems to be permanently appended at the bottom of the page. If so, please lose them, they are annoying.

  65. A few weeks ago I watched the TED Talk by Tim Urban – Inside the mind of a master procrastinator and I thought that would finally get me to take the first step towards healing. Well, I will start tomorrow.

  66. and here i thought i was the mother of procastinating…..especially writing, even taking notes is a real pain…and i cannot remember the last time i had a real meal..i usually keep soda and crisps at the edge of my bed..my motto is “make coffee and watch a movie”….

  67. and am the Grand procrastinator.
    Been procrastinating to read this post.
    When I saw the title thought it was boring.
    I win

  68. After mulling over it for so long, some one once said, ‘procrastinators are able to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes before its due.’

    Great read, as usual.

  69. Well, writers are damn lazy,.. I like the part where we’ll be meeting every tomorrow. Don’t forget fellow procrastinators.

  70. The comments section is comedy in itself..,you have an interesting fanbase Biko. You should hold them a nyamchom gig or something

  71. Almost everyone here suffers from the procrastinating syndrome. A whole container of tablets is needed here asap, guys are ailing.

  72. I should probably be ashamed, talkingabout this a year later. I’ve read all the posts, from 2015, in silence but this just killed me. What are you Biko, 5? Or mental?
    “Uhm, please don’t touch that, Mr. Jackson.”
    “Why?”
    “Because it’s my foot!”
    “But it’s wooden.”
    “Yes, it’s called a prosthetic.”
    “Oh.”

  73. No! Biko Kudos at times the humor makes me feel like Gagagagaaaaaaa. anyway i love reading articles they are good. keep it up