When It Rained

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It came down hard in my village. Trees swayed in the storm and wet dogs whimpered under awnings. Cattle stood stoic in this rain, heads bowed as if in prayer. The next day, it was discovered that the unruly water had breached a ditch that had been dug to redirect it out of the boma, and clawed the back of my simba. If ever there was a house clawed by water, that was it. It was like an animal had tried mauling the house from the bottom and got scared by daylight and scrammed.

My mum called me while standing by my simba and said something like, “You really have to send money to fix this house or it will be swept into the river.” I took the call in an ATM booth, phone pressed against my ear and shoulder. Even above the droning hubbub of traffic on Limuru Road, I could clearly hear the morning birds that usually come after the rain. I told her, I’ll send the money by the end of the week. What was the rush, right? Why throw money at a house you hardly stayed in?

Two days later my mom was dead.

And that was that. You want to die too. You want to follow her. Because the world suddenly feels vacuumed of any hope or reason. You are suddenly alone and the journey ahead seems dark and pointless. Everything is suddenly tasteless and colourless; it matters not if you wear a red or black shirt. You don’t remember the dreams you had. You don’t remember why you got out of bed in the morning. People who haven’t lost their mothers tell you, ‘It shall be well.’ People who have lost their mothers tell you, “I know how you feel.” You want to smash a small flower pot on their heads.

You cry a lot. Sometimes you are not even aware that you are crying. Even when you are not crying, you feel tears inside you. Sadness clings on your clothes and stains your heart like ink on a sponge. When you wake up you are deeply disappointed it wasn’t a nightmare. It seems highly improbable that your mother, your invincible mother, could die.

You know you will never get better. You are sure you will die sad. You want to die sad.

Sometimes even now – many years in – I see my mom in a crowd, in a bus going the opposite direction, in vivid dreams where I can’t speak to her, or I see her shoes on feet in the streets or hear her cough in a busy banking hall. Last time I saw her was last year, in traffic along Mombasa Rd. I was making that U-turn opposite Sameer Business Park to eventually head into Enterprise Road. As I got into the acceleration lane, looking to join the flow of traffic, I happened to see her. She was seated on the passenger seat of a banged-up pickup, the type with their front flanks written, “P.K Maina, PO Box 78 Nyandarua.” A man was driving. It was a glimpse, a flash of her face and the car quickly passed. In a moment of desperation, of madness, I raced after the pickup but I couldn’t catch up. I saw mummy in traffic, I told my brother, because he’s the only one who wouldn’t think this was fucked up. I narrated the event. That was probably her, he finally said solemnly as if he was the gatekeeper of the Otherworld. Grief is the manure from which insanity germinates from.

Sometimes I think we die and we come back under strict instructions not to contact our kin and kith. Or maybe you come back but your memory is erased. You start a different life depending on how you were in the previous life. If I die right this moment, I think I will come back as a donkey and do manual labour for some sins I have committed. Or maybe when you die you just die. You never come back. You stop being you. You are a breeze that dies on its own breath.

Death of your mom is like a tattoo in your heart, sadly everybody eventually gets theirs.

Today, nine years ago, my mom had one day to live. Naturally, I’m observing a week’s silence in memory of her. Rest in Peace, Ajim.

And to you with mothers, love them before you start chasing random pickups.

Oh, and Happy Mothers Day to mothers reading this.

 

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158 Comments
    1. Grow up! A little empathy and respect would go along way on a post like this. Anyway, you wouldn’t know because you haven’t read it!

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    1. Away with this annoying peculiar vainglorious Kenyan habit! Next time, just comment and go your way – in peace! You are not impressing anyone by being first in the queue!

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    2. I find this childish.Especially when it’s a sensitive issue.You come out as irrelevant and callous.It’s unnecessary.No one gets a medal..

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      1. What someone said up there… twat…what is wrong with you? ever heard of something called empathy? I clicked that heart by mistake…

        We need sad emoji just for you!

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  1. ‘Death of your mom is like a tattoo in your heart, sadly everybody eventually gets theirs’…I read this and felt heavy at heart

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  2. You are suddenly alone and the journey ahead seems dark and pointless. Everything is suddenly tasteless and colourless; it matters not if you wear a red or black shirt……..this was and is me when my father died 6 years ago. ….you just never get over it. I swear I also see him all the time including in my house. Some ask me “that does not scare you?” Hell no, I love those moments that I see him though they last micro seconds.

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  3. Its very comforting to think that maybe when we die , we come back, but under strict instructions not to contact our kin and kith. But I like rati0nalising that the spirits of those we love are somewhere in the atmosphere, all around us, cheering us on.

    Maybe some day a spirit tracker will be invented, and track one’s spirit as it leaves the body and where it eventually settles. Maybe not.

    We all feel like we know Ajim. May her light ever shine

    24
  4. May she continue resting peacefully. May her memories gladen your heart.
    I see my late father in every (old) man, his age , that I meet.
    It breaks me each time.

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  5. When it rains, it pours…may memories of Mama prevail enough to bring a ray of light and a smile in the “darkness”

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  6. Mothers are the pillar that hold us through life. I don’t know what I would do without mine. Happy mothers day o all moms reading this. We love you,

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  7. I am one of the, I know how you feel. 31 years and counting since mum passed on. My dad 3 yrs today.

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  8. Grief is the manure from which insanity germinates from.

    I don’t directly relate to this, but it sounds about right. Your mother is the person you love so deeply even when you don’t like her. The person who’s advice you take even when you made her sound ridiculous for giving it. The person who, if were to leave, your life wouldn’t truly make sense. Not for a while anyway. Mothers are a true force of nature and any way in which they appear in our lives, big or small, fictional or realistic, we embrace it. Lord knows we need it. May our mothers be celebrated this week and forever, in their presence or absence.

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  9. Mothers, the epitome of life itself! I love mine fiercely, I will love her when she is gone! May I continue to see her, even when she leaves. Only mothers come back though fleetingly, to keep an eye on us, to say they are still around. so better behave! Happy Mothers Day!

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  10. Every time you write about your mom, I feel so sad. I want to hug you but I know my hug wouldn’t do anything to take away your pain. Plus we don’t even know each other like that. Sigh. I’ll be sure to love my momma while she’s with me.

    Rest well mama Biko. Your son is doing you proud. Touching lives in a special way.

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  11. Grief is a cruel kind of education. You learn how glib condolences can feel – Chimamanda

    Grief is the manure from which insanity germinates from. – Jackson Biko

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    1. “Grief is the manure from which insanity germinates”. The second ‘from’ is an error, I wonder how the editor missed it in such a short piece.

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  12. “You want to follow her. Because the world suddenly feels vacuumed of any hope or reason. You are suddenly alone and the journey ahead seems dark and pointless.” ( the Death Cab for Cutie song ‘Into the Dark’ perfectly captures this feeling, for anyone who has ever experienced that kind of grief for loss of a mother, where the sky becomes empty) …

    Everything is suddenly tasteless and colourless; it matters not if you wear a red or black shirt. You don’t remember the dreams you had….” ( for me, it was the opposite. On the actual night she passed on/away, I ran out of a house and lay in a field called ‘Bombay’ in Nairobi West (coz it was a crescent full of Indians), and that white moon orb filled the world.
    I wept myself to a world of dreams where she was everywhere, then woke up to a chasm where she was nowhere.
    And the sun on that early eastern horizon looked like a gigantic dripping blood clot, smeared all over the azure. Later that day, lay on the ground in a field of short grass, willing it to grow over me, so I too turn into a skeleton as she will. And stared at the sky that was like a deep blue sea of air, a sky whose blue was like an endless scream into Eternity).

    Biko, my bro, I know how you feel/ felt, nine long gone but still here years ago. * dodges in-coming small flower pot, Keanu Reevesque-style 🙂

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  13. sad… Let’s take care of them while they are alive and enjoy the moments… Happy mothers day to you mum, to me and all mothers.

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  14. “I know how you feel”…I am one who would tell you that. Lost my mom 17 years ago and I still have this imagination that one day I will bump into her on the streets, in a mall or she’d call me and say she’s sorry for having gone for that long.
    Life without a mother has some sort of pain that doesn’t go away and you can’t explain. I think you even cling to the pain to remind yourself of her. I find myself envious of my friends who have their moms till today… so every year I imagine how she would have looked at that age. Maybe, short grey hair, good manicure and pedicure, nice makeup and her signature red lipstick.
    I miss my Mom.

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  15. “You want to follow her. Because the world suddenly feels vacuumed of any hope or reason.”
    Three years after my mum stepped off this planet to the next, I feel this so strongly. That there has been a great emptying, like the world is now half a world. Incomplete.
    Somedays when this world behaves like the shitshow it has been the past two years since the pandemic begun, I start to think about how all the fun people with their humour and interesting stories are on the other side. And I would want to be with them.
    Then I remember I’m a mum, and I should never leave my girl to feel this emptying that I have felt. That I should stay on, and leave at a ripe old age, after I’ve played with my grandkids and they’ve grow to be fine women and men.
    Happy Mothers day!

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  16. As crazy as it is, I had to laugh at chasing random pickups… And that P.o Box thing, why don’t modern car owners write the stuff? Ama they have no home? May be they should add tik tok, instagram, and fb handles.., because that is where ‘You can find me…’

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  17. Again I say, life is pleasant, death is peaceful; it’s the transition that’s troublesome…..may God give us the strength to endure our losses.

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  18. Today, 26 years ago, my mom also had 3 days left to live. My child is almost the same age i was when it happened, and i cannot fathom how i survived that ordeal whenever i look at my child and how young she is. Mothers are suppose to be immortal beings.

    May God hold them in the palm of his hands and may he give those who’ve lost their mothers the grace and strength to handle the grief.

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  19. Our kin and kith are always with us whether we see them or not. Whether we cry for them or not. They are part of our bloodline, culture scheme and spiritual tree. They are always part of us. The living feel the pain of the sensory deprivation of not having them around but the spirit is always atune with them. Feel them, smile with them, thank them. They are always around 🙂

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  20. Totally in agreement with you observing a week’s silence in memory of your beloved late mom. The last person you want to offend is your mother! Not even when they are gone – temporarily! For, life – I believe – doesn’t necessarily end on this planet! After all, what are all those undiscovered planets in those other billions of galaxies for, anyway?

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  21. Sigh, no one person experiences the grief of losing a mother the same! It used to enrage me when people said they knew how I felt… in reality no one else really can, because there is a unique immutable bond between every mother and child. A little bit of you dies with the one who gave you life…

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  22. “…You start a different life depending on how you were in the previous life. If I die right this moment, I think I will come back as a donkey and do manual labour for some sins I have committed… 🙂 ” …profoundly hilarious…i think its true..
    may she continue R.I.P

  23. The pain of loss of a mother it is only the bereaved person that understands it no matter how much you wanna be there for them. We sometimes struggle to suppress tears but in the end it kills us in the inside more and more. Next time you see anyone crying over the loss of a loved please just let them be because you will never understand their pain.

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  24. Every year when Biko writes about his beloved Mom, his words resonate so deeply with the loss of my Mom, 12 years on this May. The descriptions of grief and absolute melancholy are eerily spot-on, and I am comforted each time he writes about it, because then I know it’s not insanity to have these feelings.
    Celebrate your Mom loudly, unreservedly, everyday.

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  25. When my Father died it took sometime for my brain to accept. My heart had accepted because it was very broken and in pain. I saw him too in crowds, sitting on the grass in my campus waiting for me. I always used to imagine one day he will just walk home. Then I started seeing him in my dreams. He looked well. He died in 2006 but I still see him in my dreams. Sometimes he holds my hand and we take trips and walks . He talks to me, only me no one else. Last time I saw him this year he took us out ,we sat in a restraunt me him and my bro and ordered. Still he will only talk to me. My mum tells me I should chase him away. Is it possible to be conscious in a dream.
    I once told a friend about it ,he offered to take me to his pastor so he could pray for me. It is bad to dream of dead people. They say the spirit of death is seeking for you. I say death is as natural as birth. Every living thing will one day die. In the mean time I still dream of my father

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    1. Feli, you loved your dad so much but its time you let go and accept that God did His will. Say a prayer and ask God to let you only remember the beautiful moments you had with your dad and cherish them. You are in the land of the living. I also dreamt with my grand ma and had conversations with her even when am not asleep I could see her and talk to her. I told my aunt about my conversations with my grand ma and she told me that there are spirits who appear to someone in the image of a lost loved one and engage engage you in the name of your loved one who died. Just listen to your mum and tell the image that impersonates your dad to just go and leave you in peace

  26. Grief. You probably just want to do nothing and care about no one. Even if it wasn’t this week, many other weeks when you think of her, you probably just want to not be held accountable of any duties. Coz- does it matter anyway? Whether you work hard, write tens or articles which you post punctually? Does it? If the person who could have been proud and happy and touched by the work of your hands is no more , must you still hold traditions of posting weekly ? No. That’s how emptying Grief gets. Even 21 years after I lost mine, there are just periods of one that could stretch from days to months where I just feel like „observing the silence for her“. Basically doing nothing and meditating on why she had to go…

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  27. I am also among those who will tell you ” I know how you feel”. Lost my dad 2.5years ago. He was my go to guy. Immediately he passed on I needed to make a career decision. I was so lost, I didn’t know what to do. Then I made the decision and hated it and I didn’t know who to talk to, I didn’t know what to do. Then I had to make another decision and this time “we talked & talked”. My husband placed a picture of him in such a place that you suddenly see him smiling….that pic carries me……Biko, I know how you feel…

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  28. Whenever I imagine my mother dying, home being without her, I cry like a baby. Good thing she doesn’t know that or I’d get a good lecture for being silly. Mums are great. They hold the family together. It’s sad that some people don’t know that, until it’s too late.

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  29. Am already feeling sad on your behalf. The thought of losing a mother makes me cry. One day it shall be well with you

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  30. I didn’t sleep the night to the morning we were to bury mum, I understand that insanity, because I convinced myself that if I don’t sleep, then tomorrow will not come………Hugs Biko

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  31. I would like to buy the two books. I am out of Kenya. Wanted them delivered to my son . I entered his details. But I am the one doing the payments. So how do I go about it?

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  32. Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it’s overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim. May your Mum’s soul rest in eternal peace.

  33. Sorry for your loss man and may her soul continue resting in perfect peace….
    It is actually inappropriate to tell a person undergoing the grieving process stuff like ‘i know how you feel’, ‘You now have an angel in heaven’….

    1
  34. When I lost my dad I felt like am living in half a world. Like there was no way it could be complete again. It still feels like that sometimes.
    May God comfort you as He had done to most.

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  35. I know how you feel… Don’t worry, I brought my own empty, plastic flower pot☺. (((Hugs))).

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  36. ‘Grief is the manure from which insanity germinates from’ I do identify with this, dead and its finality can make you go insane literally, it has been 7 years since I lost mom, I still see her carrying ‘Kiondo’ on her way to the market.

    1
  37. “Happy mothers day mom.” No, this words make me feel cliche. I believe in making my mama happy everyday single day of her life. I no longer celebrate my birthdays. Why should I? Bringing me into this wonderful World is her achievement, Instead, I celebrate her on tht day for the effort, dedication, care, sacrifice and love.

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  38. Well, this is the default setting – in other cases, when the relationship is anything but loving before they pass away – sometimes all you feel is an emptiness – neither sad, nor happy – you balance, somehow on that middle ledge.

    That was me, a decade or so back, when my dad passed. He was a father, not a dad – we had a functional relationship – neither here nor there. At times, I wonder how we’d relate now if he’d lived.

    It’s ironic, and sad, that I seem to have learned how to be a good dad after his demise, not before. Because I’d hate for my kids to wonder how happy they’d be in their adulthood, if I had lived.

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  39. I know how you fell.

    Yes, Death of your mom is like a tattoo in your heart. Mine still sore 6 months on!

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  40. Thank you for the ‘in advance wishes’ and oh yes… Let’s love our mom’s those of us with them. And those that have lost them, I am sorry, I can only imagine how life suddenly changes.

  41. Grief is the manure from which insanity germinates from.

    May you live long Nyausonga.

    To you all who’ve gotten the tattoo in their hearts, poleni. Poleni!

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  42. Am in Uganda, I lost my mum when I was about three and Jesus as you grow older the vacuum to fill the void of a mother becomes bigger. Not a single day don’t I think about her, I don’t if men feel the same way but boy oh boy

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  43. Someone here just wrote about me,that pick up truck doesn’t go away and haven’t been able to catch up with it,the tattoo is real,thought I needed to check myself in,I’m not alone.

  44. I always see my mum, in my dreams, I miss her laughter and her hugs. It’s 17yrs this year and my heart has never healed. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mums here.

  45. How can you make me feel like crying and laugh at the same time Biko? I’m very sorry for the loss of your beloved mother…
    “Grief is the manure from which insanity germinates from’…

    ‘Death of your mom is like a tattoo in your heart, sadly everybody eventually gets theirs.’..

    I read this and my heart skips a beat..yes it’s true..And to you with mothers, love them before you start chasing random pickups..

    9 years and You’re soldering on…keep going and blessing us with mind blowing articles..Thank you

  46. Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it’s overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim. May your Mum’s soul rest in eternal peace.

  47. No, I don’t think you’re mad. I see my Dad too, he had a kipara one could see from the back….so a few times I run ahead to see the Mzee’s face…only to realise its not him. Or for him to disappear. I see Mama more in my dreams See, I’ve lost both. Yes, it’s never the same again, ever. .

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  48. I’m also observing a week of silence in memory of my late mum.. Rest well mummy, your little girl misses you ❤️

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  49. Biko I know very well that feeling. They say time heals everything, but 6 years on am still mourning. Not a day passes that I don’t think of her. May our departed Moms rest in eternal peace.

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  50. I dread that day, I do not want to feel the pinch even more than when my grandma passed 2years ago. I do not know I am strong enough to survive it, I don’t want to know.
    I am sorry you know

  51. May she continue resting in peace…
    As you celebrate your mom’s memory, I wish you peace and tranquillity.
    God be with you and your family.

  52. Lovely piece .
    I thoight i was the only mad one – i “saw” my dead dad across the street severally ….my Mum not yet…..but if i do, i will definitely give chase …..

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  53. Pole Biko
    Last ti.e we went to the he mattresses
    Let’s go to the he beds now, with a sequel

  54. My mum often used to say.. ”Someone’s mum is so important’ how I fully understand her now..
    It’ll be 4 long years this September since my mum died one sunny Wednesday afternoon..she called me that day and asked me to send her some cash which I did.. An hour later she was gone..Just like that..
    It hit me so hard on her funeral that I have no one (dad passed away in 2006). Later when everyone one had left I realised I hadn’t even had lunch and before my mum would save me a plate of food like typical African mums..
    Oh how I miss you dear mum..
    I also see her.. Am in a customer facing job and one client came in to pay a year ago and she came with her parents who were roughly my parent’s age.. I went to the loo to cry afterwards… The hurt was just too much..

    Rest in peace mama Biko…

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  55. 2014,… It rained on me. The dark clouds did not clear, I still see my mom in traffic and even in my work place. I once had to walk away from a customer and refer them to a colleague… All I could see was my mom
    I know how you feel RIP mom

  56. You probably saw her.
    It happens. My late grandma has this interesting habit of appearing to us randomly. She is always sited graciously-she looks happier and stronger. Same hairstyle. Maybe they were warned not to get in touch but just show up once in a while to offer us hope. It makes me feel better.

    I still have my mom-funny woman. We laugh, we gossip, she cracks jokes like we are agemates and she constantly tells my kids that if they disturb me she will take me back. When I visit home we sleep past 1am. I cherish every moment. Her favorite phrase is ” Never be stressed in this world when am still breathing”

    Happy Mothers Day to those still with us and to those watching over us.

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  57. Oh! Heavy piece! I found you eventually found closure. May you find the comfort you still need and your mom rests in peace!

  58. It’s a year for me and I still don’t believe mum left. Am not able to talk about it. Yet. I still expect to see her When I visit home. I look for her in every room.. It’s sad that dad wants to replace her already. Have not mourned her yet. Death is cruel and stings more when it’s a mum. I know i Will bump nto her some day too and get a peck on my cheek if not a hug. Thanks biko for sharing this. Am not alone.

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  59. Sometimes I feel her(my mother’s) eyes on me and I just want to be a good girl for her.
    Biko, you, I and others who have lost dear mothers know the VOID is just too big.
    WHY DO MOTHERS HAVE TO DIE.!

    1
  60. Mothers are heroine. I would love to join the master class but looks like your checking out is strictly in East African countries and am the country down under also the time difference..

  61. Mothers are heroine. I would love to join the master class but looks like your checking out is strictly in East African countries and am the country down under also the time difference.Those who have lost their mum may they continue resting in peace.Happy Mother’s Day

  62. Although I dreaded seeing my mother in the mortuary, kept in some drawer pulled like it is goods kept inside, I was happy looking at her face and saw calmness and peace which was unlike excruciating pain in her sickness. My greatest appreciation of her was I at home and leaving early for a board meeting. Tea was was bein prepared by my siblings but they didn’t bother to tell me “wait, you can’t leave on an empty stomach”. They didn’t care. They were not my mother. It is when you understand why people are insulted “mimi si mamako”. She is the only one who will care and make you feel validated.

  63. Thanks for this. I lost my Mum ten days ago….. it really does feel like I was hit by a train

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  64. Loosing a mother is a big blow, a heartached. 1o years later and I still mourn my mum. Rest in Peace our dear mothers, you are forever in our hearts❤

  65. Pole sana Biko. I feel you, and even as l read this, the air is heavy and gloomy. May Mommy rest in peace, 9years on. My belief is that one day we shall all cross over, and meet the loved ones who left us. And it will be such a reunion.

  66. Grief is the manure from which insanity germinates from….. so hauntingly beautiful

    RIP Ajim

    Happy mothers day to my fellow mums. the job may many times seem thankless but we soldier on because it counts.

  67. May Ajim continue to rest in peace.

    Oh This tattoo……it pains me already,anytime i think or read about it. Am soo not ready for this tattoo. God Bless you mum i thank God for you everyday.

  68. Seven years down the line but it’s never the same..sadly some days when you think the tattoo has healed,it gets itchy and painful.

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  69. And same here, exactly 9 years ago, she had a few months to live. She did not know. I did not know.

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  70. 15 years down the line ,still feels like the other day,Mothers will always be our beautiful irreplaceable women in our lives

    1. Not all. Pole for the loss of yours, a good woman. That’s irreplaceable, cherish the memories. The bad ones live long, ironies of life

  71. Thank you for writing this. I lost my mum exactly one month ago. This paragraph describes each if my painful days now…

    “And that was that. You want to die too. You want to follow her. Because the world suddenly feels vacuumed of any hope or reason. You are suddenly alone and the journey ahead seems dark and pointless. Everything is suddenly tasteless and colourless; it matters not if you wear a red or black shirt. You don’t remember the dreams you had. You don’t remember why you got out of bed in the morning. People who haven’t lost their mothers tell you, ‘It shall be well.’ People who have lost their mothers tell you, “I know how you feel.” You want to smash a small flower pot on their heads.”

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      1. Thank you. I am at the point of taking one day at a time. Some days are good, others not so. Getting to the end of each day without breaking down is my aim

  72. May you find peace in the wonderful moments you shared with her when she was alive.

    Last week I lost a very dear friend.., last year she’d relocated back home from abroad to be with her teenage son only a few months later to be gone for good, it’s unbearable to think of the pain he’s going through ..
    Hugs to all those who’ve lost dear ones..

  73. I think for those closest to us, acceptance, the final stage of grief, never really reaches. I know of a man who still calls and sends messages to his dead wife. May you find peace, I will go to see mum and my other mum soon

  74. This 30th of May is going g be 21 years since my Mom died. Up to today, I see simple random women once in a while & I go, “My mom would be simple like that if she was still alive.” Sigh

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  75. That is a deep article. I lost my mummy 17 years ago. I can relate with your pain. take heart buddy. Healing takes time. when you stop seeing her in the imaginary pickup, you know you have healed.

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    1. Our dream is that we get to the point where we can live with the loss…God grant you more healing

  76. This is such a reality check for most of us who have our mum and dads still with us, sometimes you do not want to imagine life without them, when they call and ask, when are you coming over? we complain that you were just there recently. May her soul rest well, may her memories light the moments of darkness.

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  77. Here’s the unique problem though; not all mothers are the same.. it’s like nobody seems to get this! There are narcissistic, crazy, cruel ones out here too.. but the subject is too delicate and no the answer isn’t well she birthed you.. All the reason why she should be the last F human to betray you! Happy Mothers to all the amazing, loving momz out there. And down with the witches. Duh!

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  78. Going through the comments and I am crying because my heart is so heavy. I have both my parents still but the day my mom dies so will I. From a broken heart. I’m sure of it. And if I dont, sorries will be wasted on me, so in the same spirit, I’ll just sit quietly with you as you grieve Biko, give your back a rub now and then.. And let you feel because it’s all there can be to do. I hope my mom never dies.
    I’m also at the age where she’s started mentioning kids, she wants one or two in the next two years. How do I tell her I don’t want any? I would rather not put mine through this anxiety, assuming they would love me as much as I love her.

  79. To all mothers happy mother day,unfortunately we all have to endure the pain of loosing a mother.On this day my mother had slightly over a month to live.Yet the most amazing thing is that she died on the same day we had my niece’s birthday.I always feel it was symbolic.
    This year’s Mother’s Day week has been the hardest in the last 6years.Happy Mother’s Day Momma

  80. Mother’s Day will always be a little dark for me. Even if I try to reside in the brightness of my fond memories, there is no way to escape reflecting on what I’ve lost.

    I have been motherless for more than two and a half decades now, and not every Mother’s Day is hard. Sometimes I feel more guilt or surprise at the absence of sadness than sadness itself. In some ways the loss grows easier to bear, but in other ways it grows larger. There are fewer memories of my mother at the forefront of my mind. There is a greater expanse of time between now and when she was alive. She remains the most important woman in my life, but I grow farther from her in time. I see flickers of her in my daughter, but her voice is gone. I cannot seek her opinion or find myself lost with her in a deep conversation. Her hugs are irreplaceable.

    There are many who are motherless on Mother’s Day. Some never knew their mother, others enjoyed (tolerated, or endured) their mother into old age before they lost her, and others (like me) lost their mother somewhere in the middle — much earlier than expected. Whether the wound of death is fresh, or time has transformed it into a sensitive scar, there are many who must face Mother’s Day without a mother.

    I wish everyone could have a wholly happy Mother’s Day. It’s one thing to mourn when others are mourning, but being blue when others are celebrating is as uncomfortable as choosing the hottest day in July to wear your warmest winter boots. For people like us, this day is bitter and sweet, or perhaps just bitter. We don’t eagerly anticipate this day; it isn’t circled on our calendar. We don’t spend time thinking up ways to celebrate or what gift to get. Whereas for many it is a special occasion, for us it’s mostly a day to get through — an occasion for sadness. The reasons are many and diverse.

    So, this is for anyone who has mixed feelings on Mother’s Day — anyone for whom this day is complicated — regardless of what dilutes your joy. Even at your happiest your heart may harbor heaviness. It is okay if your feelings don’t match everyone else’s. There are some whose brightest emotions come in darker shades. Not everyone looks forward to Mother’s Day.

    On any given day, someone is rejoicing, and someone is grieving. Mother’s Day is no different. Some have mothers; others have memories. It is a day, like so many, when we’re reminded of the intersections between the living and the dead. Within one generation there can be women who mourn while they are also being celebrated.

    There are lots of emotions being experienced on Mother’s Day. There are mothers being pampered and others being mourned and remembered. For some it’s sad or complicated; for others it’s purely celebratory. Not everyone knew his or her mother — or liked her. Not everyone’s childhood provided healthy love and happy nostalgia.

    Whatever you feel — whether happy, sad, or mixed — know that someone else out there is in a similar emotional position. You’re not alone in feeling those feelings or thinking those thoughts. Whatever Mother’s Day is like for you, you’re not the only one.

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  81. It’s post like this that make me feel like am not the only one who mourns their mom 11 years later.

  82. Biko…..

    Celebrate her daily

    Live her wishes in your stride

    There can’t be a deeper cherished love.

    I have a candle and …. a rose ,,,,let’s walk on

  83. Happy mother’s week to all the mum’s in here.
    ….Grief is the manure from which insanity germinate from… I like this one.

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  84. Very relatable, rest well, Mama, the wound still hurts, miss you and Daddy…
    ***
    Death of your mom is like a tattoo in your heart.

    You want to die too. You want to follow her. Because the world suddenly feels vacuumed of any hope or reason. You are suddenly alone and the journey ahead seems dark and pointless.

    You cry a lot. Sometimes you are not even aware that you are crying. Even when you are not crying, you feel tears inside you. Sadness clings on your clothes and stains your heart like ink on a sponge. When you wake up you are deeply disappointed it wasn’t a nightmare. It seems highly improbable that your mother, your invincible mother, could die.

  85. Death of a mother is like a tattoo. I used to see mum everywhere too, I could smell her perfume in places until I thought am going nuts. It’s true grief is the manure in which insanity germinates