There are guys who work hard at being men. Then there are guys who are just men. A real man doesn’t nurse his manhood. Check this. A month ago a pal of mine called me on a loose Friday and asked me to meet him at a pub where he was kicking it with this new talent he had sort of started seeing and wanted me to meet and scale on a Richter. She was fine. Problem with fine chicks is that men are constantly blowing up their phones with smses and phone calls, and little miss thing here was constantly stepping out to pick calls or replying smses while we sat and drunk. I take exception at a behavior like that, but since she wasn’t my woman it wasn’t a skin off my nose and I imagined that neither did my pal because perhaps they were new in their thing and he didn’t want to sound like he had a carrot up his fanny. But at some point when she was thumbing an sms my he leaned over and told her firmly, “Honey, I wish you could stop doing that. Do you mind?” She never touched her phone again. He, with those few words, demonstrated that he was not only a man but the man. They are still seeing each other, incase you are wondering.
But manhood is complicated, it’s undefined and mostly it’s daunting – if not taxing. The borders that define manhood are always shifting, definitions always morphing. For a few days now I have been asking people what “a man” means to them. To total strangers I posed the question: Who is a man? The answers hinged from the amusing, absurd, scientific, deranged, vindictive, sarcastic, informed, lame, clichéd to the downright sad.
A teenage looking girl buying cigarettes at a petrol station’s convenience shop on Saturday night said, “A man is like my father- decisive and brave.” (I hope you will be brave enough when he finds out you smoke, I thought) A friend, divorced with two children said on Facebook chat, “a man is someone who makes a woman cry and does nothing about it.” Nduko, the lovely lady, who washes my scalp at the barber shop said, “A man is tall and strong and can carry his woman.” (She must weigh something like 52kgs, so really that bar is low ) The cashier girl at the check-out counter at the supermarket giggled and said, “A man is calm under pressure and knows how to take care of tricky situations.”
One lady buying juice at first looked at me skeptically and only after she had acetified that I wasn’t trying to abduct her did she say “A man is a pillar to his wife, a savior to his children and a star in the eyes of children.” My friend, Roda said, “Eish Biko, aki now what kind of question is that? Si a man is just a man?” My bro said rhetorically as we drunk over the weekend, “A man is bigger than a definition.” A little girl, maybe 8yrs old, shopping with her mom said “A man is like my dad,” and when I asked her why, she retorted with profound logic, “Because he is my dad.”
Shiro, TV girl, smsed with her tongue in cheek; “A man is someone who understands his role… which is to take care of me.” Jwanjiku added that a man is someone who allows her to feel delicate and vulnerable (cue The Titanic theme song). One of the readers here, and a good friend who dared to call my tie gay, Sixinchheels said lewdly, “A man is six inches in the pants and no less.” (Gents, if you have to reach for a ruler then you don’t qualify). The officious Mrs Mwiti added that “a man is strong and a mature male… men don’t talk much or gossip, but they have a way with words.” My daughter didn’t have a comment, perhaps because she hasn’t met a real man before.
I ran into this guy at a do recently who claimed to be the media madness guy. “Yeah, right,” I snorted, “The media madness guy is short, skinny, grumpy and has pimples on his nose.” He laughed and swore he was the one, so I asked him who a man was according to him, but only because I expected a very angry and cynical response. “I’m the man.” he retorted.
“No, I meant who is a man, not who is the man.”
“Well,” he said, “a man respects his mother, sisters and her cucu. And he pays his bills.” (Well, what do you know.)
One of the brilliant business writers of note and a Gor Mahia afficciando, Jay Bonyo put it succinctly “A man is someone who is able to clean up his own shit.” (adding “alone” at the end of that sentence would have aptly disqualified Ruto promptly) Kimutai Cherono, a regular here, eruditely said manhood is a social construct, “You grow up with an idea and it changes, being a man is something I make up as I go through life right now and when I’m not sure of what to do as a man I ask myself what I should do as a human being.” (Deep Kimutai deep… deep as a Chilean mine) Ben, one of usual suspects here and one of my greatest ruthless bashers emailed “ A man today is not the person wearing pants but rather the guy who knows what it means to wear pants. He is a man not because he fits a given description of a man but because he has to be who he is, a man.” (Cryptic and sexy, he must be reading Esquire.)
My search took me to Twitter hoping for more witticism because indeed in Twitville lives people who love words and words there are a limited currency. Magaribina, on Twitter said a man treasures his woman, honors his parents, loves his boys. He works hard to leave a mark in the world but also takes time to enjoy himself. (Indeed). Miss Mwangi asked me to listen to a song “He is” by one Heather Headley. Ragzy hit me with a direct message and said, “A man doesn’t ever question what manhood is about.” (Below the belt, but fair.)
But here is a fact; men are born. Males are made. A man, as I learnt from men I talked to, is verb, not a noun. Men aren’t static, they are fluid. A man is only a man as long as he feels he is a man, after that the bottom falls off and he stops being a man, he becomes a noun. And when a man becomes a noun he buys poodles and starts wearing purple skinny jeans. A man isn’t afraid to cry, but not before his daughter because in his daughter’s eyes he is more than a man. A man is aware of his susceptibility and he uses it spur ambition. A man doesn’t watch Sebuleni show.
A man can fix a broken sink. A man eats with his hands if he has to. A man is not defined by his drink, he defines his drink, even if it’s Sauvignon Blanc. A man should be able to laugh at himself, to take a joke, even a bad one. A man takes care if his mother. A man doesn’t ask a woman, “Do I snore in my sleep?” because snoring is the euphemism for roaring in the animal kingdom. A man appreciates a woman’s bare skin, the revelation of nakedness- and so Ricky Martin isn’t a man, at least not enough. A man rises up and defends his woman’s honour even if his woman is obviously on the wrong. A man doesn’t gossip. He takes a punch on the chin. A man leaves the house when his woman has those women’s kyama meeting over. And he never carries her handbag. Never. A man has no qualms saying he is sorry because an apology not only redeems his soul, but it averts a woman’s rabid tongue. A man pays his debts, if not his taxes. A man knows his children by name, and what they had for dinner last night. And he kisses them. A man can make an omelet…or at least try and he isn’t afraid that doing dishes will make him less. A man loves sex but learns to tame the beast of his loins. A man helps a blind man to cross the street. A man isn’t afraid of age, no less than he is afraid of ageing. A man never sings aloud to Celine Dion, even if no one is listening. A man listens more than he argues. He picks a book sometimes, perhaps more than he picks a beer. Alcohol doesn’t change a man, he changes it. A man doesn’t get into a woman’s purse- even if she sends him there.
A man never hits a woman, no matter how obnoxious and rabid she is. He sends her back to her mother. A man never, ever – under any circumstance – says “woishe” in his conversation. And he minimizes writing *dead* in his twitter updates. A man isn’t afraid to fail, but only if he will try again. A man never takes his best friend’s woman, even if she has an ass like Toni Braxton’s (ok, I promise to stop). And he never snitches on a fellow man because the rule of Omerta says so. A man has to watch The Godfather, and like it damn it. A man doesn’t pretend to know everything; he prefers to learn from those who know. A man wears a watch that works. A man makes many mistakes in his life, it’s the hallmark of manhood.
A man doesn’t find the TPF host, Dr Mitch Ogwang (ask a Luo for the translation) annoying only because he’s trying. Sometimes, a man masturbates. A man believes in something, anything; a value, a thought, a principle, and defends it like he would his child. And that’s why Fred Flinstone isn’t a man. A man lets the woman order first. A man doesn’t leave when the chips are down; he takes a long breath and finds a way. A man loves the TV series MadMen and doesn’t find Don Draper a nuisance, only emotionally stunted. A man doesn’t need this article to inform his manhood; he reads it, maybe smiles a bit and continues being the man as he, and only he understands it.
What’s your definition of a man?