Would you take a bullet for an elephant?

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Sunday 6.49pm

I sit down with my laptop; upload from my camera some pictures I took while in Tsavo West over the weekend.

6.58pm

I go through the pictures, deleting the ones I obviously took drunk. There is one of a squirrel (who takes a picture of a squirrel?) Delete.

7pm

I start banging copy.

7.45pm

Tusker Project Fame is on or something. Doctor Mitch goes down on one knee and like a magician produces and hands Sheila, from his coat pocket, a mangled flower. I stop typing long enough to think “Not in that hideous, shiny fireproof suit mate.” But Sheila blushes like a uniformed character in Tahidi High. I guess it’s never what a man wears on his back but more of what he wears on his sleeve; and the irrepressible Dr Mitch’s is wearing a long chutzpah.

7.58pm

I’m on my 690th word. I have to be careful with word count lately because Style and some readers here feel like I’m writing an endless tome. Keep it short and sweet Jackson, they say. And I listen.

8.03pm

It solemnly dawns on me that those kids in TPF can’t sing. The duets are a carnage and since when did men start wearing them hideously colorful skinny jeans? I chortle silently.

8.12pm

Dinner.

8.20pm

Back to the laptop (I eat fast)

8.30pm

My lil’ girl says she wants to suu-suu (that’s “take a leak” in Chinese). I’d love to tell her that if I interrupt the flow of my writing I won’t get the mojo again. But then again she might pee on herself and that might affect her adulthood like it did Making Appearances’… and Wakili’s. So I drop her shorts and sit her on her potty. I wait there while she does her thing, luxuriously checking her nails. She takes 432mins to pee! I mean I almost fall asleep standing there waiting for her

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to finish. After, I promptly make a mental note: no more beer for her.

8.45pm

Banging more copy. More bloodshed on TPF, they’re now sounding like a dirge choir. Mitch is relentless with his jokes.

8.50ish

My laptop screen goes black.

8.51pm

I imagine it’s the power cable, so I push it in and restart. Nothing. Zip. Zilch…Nono (that’s zero in Lunglish)

8.53pm

I get that distinct urge to pee, a sign that shit has surely hit the fan.

8.54pm

It’s official, my laptop has crashed!

8.58pm

I pee.

When you earn a living purely from writing your laptop becomes your lifeline. Literally. I always have terrifying nightmares about my laptop being nicked or of my laptop being sat on by mistake by a woman with a gigantic ass. Or my lil girl peeing on it…for the whole of 340mins! Bad dreams. Now my laptop is dead. I’m not even worried about it that much, I’m worried about my deadlines. And I have three of those every week. Then there are the monthly ones which normally only allow me a measly window of a fortnight.

The first deadline I knew I was going to miss was the Monday morning blog post here . Granted, this is the only writing I do that doesn’t pay me (yet), but it’s got more sentimental value than all the writings I engage in for one simple reason; it is me, unadulterated. My thoughts here are virgin, I’m beyond editing here. I set the agenda as I deem fit. This is my boma. And so it depressed me that I won’t be posting, depressed me so much that I went to sleep curled in a fetal position with my thump stuck in my mouth. Okay, maybe not quite but you get the idea.

Prior to the laptop kibosh I had banged about 1300 words for the post I was to post Monday. Now I can’t recall what I had written and even if I decided to re-write the same post it won’t just be the same. You have to see my frustration. KK, I know you do.

So here is a weak post on my trip to Tsavo over the weekend. A picture essay of sort. Feel free to be envious…or even try.

 

I liked this tree. It had character. A space. It reminded me of this lady at city hall; one of the rudest and most incompetent people I have ever met. I had gone to seek some information that was free but she gave me she such hell that I ended up paying for it. Like this tree she had these baby-dreadlocks that stuck in the air in all directions. Like the tree she had these gaunt witch-like fingers that she used to lethargically pore through this dog-eared file. Like the tree she had a dry look… a dry, hard and unearthly look that made me not want to argue with her. But most importantly this tree reminded me of her because she is the kind of archetypical government official you want to take a picture of and show your kids 30 years later with a running footnote; The face of bureaucracy, graft and modern witchcraft.

“Daddy what’s that?”

“It’s a picture of a museum.”

“It’s a human being dad. But what is that on her-?”

“Please don’t touch that!”

 

Severin Camp, Tsavo. This is where the court was held. Great place. The beauty of this place is that it’s not fenced by an electric fence which means at night you can’t step out to get some air without security because, well, because lions will eat you. It’s not a place for pansies. It’s the wild as uninterrupted as possible. There is a Maasai chap, a 6’5’’ guy who walks you to your tent at night and back to the restaurant. I find it cowardly. But chicks love it because they get to walk with the towering moran who, I suppose, allows them to touch his spear if they ask nicely. Hang on, I think I took a picture of good ol’ Tom. Yes, here it is.

 

I met this couple deep in Tsavo. They’re from Cape Town. The man is a mechanical engineer. The woman, well, I didn’t ask her because the man wouldn’t stop talking. A very enviable couple this. They were on a road trip from Cape Town right up to Kenya then back down. Their mode of transportation? A beat up Pajero. How cool! The guy asked me what I did for a living, I told him. He then started moaning how Kenyan parks are so damned expensive (true) and how fuel is damned pricey (true again) but how he simply loves our country as compared to most countries in the region (true!).

 

They have been married six months but have been friends for 5 years. They had been planning the road trip for two years and kept away almost a million for it. When we met they had been on the road for a month.

“How is it so far, have you guys had some bad fights?” I asked

“Oh yes!” they chorused.

“Who won?”

 

The girl giggled and the man stuck his thump in her direction. Smart bloke. I was thoroughly impressed by them being on a long arduous trip like this not only to experience something truly special but test their relationship. I’m going to say something girlie here by noting that there was something deep about those two; they looked like they truly deserved each other. Seriously, they did. There was an ease between them, an effortless attraction. I’m not saying they were in love, but I could tell that they were friends, and that is better than love any day!

 

Perhaps my favourite spot in the lodge; the pool (the bar is overpriced). Where I come from we don’t shy away from water. Water is our friend. In Tsavo temperatures crawl to some serious heights as from 11am right until 4pm. There is not much to do during these times because most animals are asleep…I’m not counting the squirrel and birds. So you jump in the pool, have an ice cold Tusker and read a book. You will get dry and pale as a crocodile but it’ not like the French couple on the next lounge bed is any better!

There is normally a little chalkboard at the lodge’s reception where people write what they saw during the game drive. It’s a nice way to inspire people who never see anything but Dik Diks. It’s also a platform where tourists show off their

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handwritings.

I love looking at this board, but onaly to see how horrific spellings can get.

While at Tsavo, I saw this:

 

Look at the last animal seen on that board. A moskito.

That killed me. I have never laughed so hard in my life. In fact this was the highlight t of my trip. On a game drive and saw a moskito! (Find the medal in the post Wilma). I wanted to find this odiero and ask them questions: Was this moskito chilling under a tree picking it’s teeth? Or was it at the local dispensary protesting against the use of quinine and moskito nets? Did it look dangerous this moskito? Were you traumatized by its sheer presence?

I wasn’t the only one who found this hilarious; in fact the look on some guy’s face said it all. Here take a look at this priceless reaction from this guy.

 

Enough on Moskitos. Let’s try their cousins, the Elephants.

 

This signpost is atop this picnic point called Poachers Lookout deep into Tsavo West. They pose a question on it. I read it and imagined that this was a rhetorical question, a trick question. Would I take a bullet for an Elephant?

Seriously?

Why would I want to do that? Why would I want to take a bullet for an Elephant? I mean, that’s an unfair expectation. To ask someone to take a bullet for an elephant is to ask for too much of someone. You only take a bullet for people who are very close to you, what has an Elephant done to me lately to deserve such gallant acts of selflessness? Have we had beer before? Did we lose our virginities the same week? Did it save my life?

Why would you want to take a bullet for something that is, what, 200,000kgs? And while you are taking this bullet for this Elephant what is it doing in the meantime? What is it doing while you writhe on the ground trying to keep your insides from spilling out? Do you know how painful a bullet is anyway?

And anyway, an Elephant has a better survival rate after being shot than you do so why, pray, would you take a bullet for an Elephant? No seriously, explain this to me like you would a kid. You are like say 87kgs (maybe 45kgs if you are Nyambura) and an Elephant is the size of New Rehema house in Westlands. Guys, really, who needs to take a bullet for whom?

You see that’s the problem with Elephants; they want special treatment. They want to get onto YouTube without working for it. They are whiny, “Oh we are being persecuted, oh our tribe is being witch hunted…oh…” Oh stop it already Jumbo! Do you see other animals whining? The Lion, Cheetah, Mongoose, Wild Pigs, Zebra…heck even the Moskito is mum! All these animals are quietly t taking their vegetable, but no, Mr. Elephant here in his size 200 shoes wants someone to take a bullet for him!

So no, Jumbo. I wouldn’t take a bullet for you. I’m sorry.

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49 Comments
  1. I agree, this post is without soul. But Biko for someone who pees when shit hits the fan, you leave people who pee’d when they were kids alone. Thank you

    1
  2. Lol! >> A Moskito? Really? That made me happy. No, not happy. I freaking laughed my head off!

    Seems you had quite a trip. I love the images.

    And no, I would Never take a bullet for a jumbo. I’m not white (no offence). 🙂

    Oh sorry about your laptop. 🙁

  3. Moskito!!!! I almost died (or peed on my laptop) from laughter.
    Being a photo lover I loved the pics esp. the first one of the tree.
    Better luck with your next laptop!

  4. I’m with Ben on this one.Clearly your laptop took away the best of you(writingwise). Will be praying for you to get your mojo back.Start by laptop shopping asap.

  5. Can you imagine the lifelong trauma your lil girl would have been plagued by if you had neglected her urgent need for a BLOG POST?! *gasp* I think we dodged a bullet there. Glad your mojo is back!

  6. oh Biko,what would i do without you?…’moskito’ will keep me laughin for days,and i love the 1st photo esp. the skies…beautiful i must say…and yes i am envious,Tsavo west is my dream destination this year and i havent saved enough yet…

  7. Hey that’s a cheap shot (or is it pee)! My adulthood is just fine! No wonder shit hit the fan!

    As usual, top drawer material mate!

  8. I have been laughing for the last 5 minutes. The lady who cleans our office is so skinny and i almost saw the Moskito cleaning the office…. (No offence). And by the way, could it have been a Jang’o who wrote “Moskito” on the board?

    Biko you have made my day.

  9. Please, oh please a moskito!!! We need a crush course for these people before we let them loose into our parks! Why would anyone of a sane mind pay hundreds of dollars and then see a moskito! nktest.

  10. um… i thought the laptop crashed at 8.56??? (sorry, I’m a stickler for time like that)…

    Of TPF: Here’s my take on the local channels’ Sunday Tv lineup ; its a snooze fest. So allow me to recommend re-runs of deadwood or current episodes of boardwalk empire or sons of anarchy…(perfect for psyching yourself up for the reality that’s Monday)…

    The couple from CPT: i second you on that; true friendship is more rare than love…

    My thoughts on elephants: They’re ridiculously unreasonable when pissed. Now why would i take a bullet for someone like that?

    Keep posting…

  11. “Daddy what’s that?”

    “It’s a picture of a museum.”

    “It’s a human being dad. But what is that on her-?”

    “Please don’t touch that!”

    ” You loose it sometimes Mr.”

    ROTF…

  12. Laughing my head off. Thanks for bringing your experiences and madness closer to the peoples of the iNTERNETS. Are moskito an endangered species?

  13. “What has an elephant done for me lately to deserve such a galaant act of selfishness?” laughing Out very Loudly.
    You never dissapoint!

  14. Saved by the ending….i loved the last couple of paragraphs about taking a bullet for an elephant. And hardly any typos 🙂

  15. Hehehe…ati keep it short and sweet….those people are clearly misguided. I am going to use an acronym I never use( mostly because I hate acronyms)….ROTFLMAO!!! *dead*

  16. This post had me shouting with laughter! Between your daughter’s peeing for 432 minutes and the Moskito, my bladder threatened laughter-induced mutiny!

  17. You mean by the time i got to the end of the laptop saga, the actual story hadn’t even began?! Ei…my friend…maybe you’re trying but gosh!Lemme tell you truthfully, i haven’t read the Tsavo part. Pics tell a story, so i paid some attention to them and consoled myself i haven’t missed much anyway by not reading the rest of it.

    (Btw, today’s Sunday, no hurry, but i don’t see myself sitting here to read all that.Ei…bana!” Lemme go check out your Sato Mag’s piece. *Just so you know, I like features of that length.*

  18. Its 3am, Sunday morning. Alcohol sometimes induces insomnia in me. So yes, am a bit tipsy as i write this, not a very good state to be in because when you am tipsy i sometimes do or say things that come to haunt me later. Like writing this comment here, but whats there to do online at 3am other than whore the internet and comment on your blog?
    @ to all, thanks for stopping by here, i wouldnt appreciate it more.
    @Style. God knws i have shortened my posts since u raised the flag a while back but im afraid i wont shorten them any more than i have. Any shorter and they will be tweets. Your readership is much appreciated but since u find my long prose tasking i have a few blogs with short sexy posts that i might recommend. But until then lets not flog a dead horse please, the long prose is here to stay.

  19. Amen! Style, you are Not a reader..Biko Fabulous! you get better and better..etc..checked out the rest of the ‘animals’ on the board lol!

  20. My adulthood suffers from other ailments not pee pee pee all the time.
    But who am I to stand in the way of your hustle and exploiting your daughter’s moment for your vanity.

    You bad hustler, you’ll folks stop hanging out with media people.

    Seriuosly; consider Reading Joe Klein in Time Magazine.

    1. i don’t mean to knock on the amount of effort you obviously put in the hiss (and you’ve put in lots) but i don’t get the why. why constantly keep eating the pizza when you can’t stand it & no one’s forcing you to? Seriously stick to Joe Klein and you’ll not only be happier but it will do your BP some good.

      PS: Adulthood is seriously overrated.

      1. I get the impression you’re a very eloquent and highly cultured person Nyambura.

        That sort if name might have given you a good start.
        And speaking of adulthood being overated; how about me and you play some children-and here I mean children in their teenage-where I play daddy and you mummy?

        Say what you?

  21. @Nyambura That question question should not only be postyed to Putting in appearances but to Style as wel. If you can’t stand the pizza, why force yourself, kula mandazi surely!

  22. O.m.g the mosquito was a killa got a stitch out of that. Is the elephant metaphorical?the couple are such a romantic.kudos biko.:-)

  23. Loved the couple. And has anyone considered that the jungu who wrote moskito was maybe in on the joke? Lol. In which case, it was a goood joke 🙂

  24. Biko, I am hooked on this blog so much that I think my girlfriend might just leave me, jealous of my newfound obsession. That said, this is the umpteenth article that I have come across with phrases like ,”Look at that picture and tell me you don’t feel…” or “Hang on, I think I took a picture of good ol’ Tom. Yes, here it is.” Where are the pictures though? I swear I haven’t seen a single post with a picture in it, except for the pictures your words create.
    Also, I get a tad irked when I encounter typos here. They kind of stick out like a bull in a china shop. That said, I will offer to help drive them out.