Five Year Contract


What do men do when darkness beckons? When winter closes in on them? When their unhappiness starts making their fingernails grow slower and their pillows get harder? When their wedding rings become hollow metaphors, a mockery of vows? When their marriages that once promised to flourish forever, like they promised God and man, now start disintegrating like a cork coming apart in the hands of a poor wine opener? When, unconsciously, this state starts showing in their choice of their wardrobe; darker ties, duller shirts and socks that start getting darker and darker, a river of misery. When they wake up one day and their unhappy marriages have seeped into everything they do like an ugly cancer. When even when they go to the golf course to find peace and quiet or whatever it is golfers go to find on the course, their swing, once the envy of peers, is now  weighed down by the ennui of that marriage.

And then one day, while they are driving from school, in that twilight zone where they are aware they are driving but not aware that they are alive, their son suddenly asks, “Daddy, why are you sad?” And that question chokes them with burning self-pity so much so that they momentarily look away from their son, in shame, for exposing this ugly stain of unhappiness in the presence of this beautiful and innocent boy they want to protect from the cruelty of world’s realities.

Do you sometimes wonder why someone decided that envy is green in colour? And cowardice is yellow and boredom is brown and that if you are “blue” you are sad? Most importantly, can you read deep unhappiness in an email?

I can.

Well, sometimes.

And I love it. I get drawn to unhappiness, curious about it’s source. It makes me want to follow it like an explorer follows a river inland to find where it stems from. Then I want to light a small fire and camp there.

The sadness in this  email (his) was in the way the writer used words that didn’t seem to like each other, their rhythm broken, like musical notes that refuse to blend. It’s also how fast he wrote it, how the words haemorrhaged out of him from a wound someone was still cutting. His words were opaque, weary and raw, straight from that part of the heart that pumps deoxygenated blood – blood that is dying from asphyxia. He wrote it fast because he didn’t want to acknowledge its source, its truth, because then he’d be giving that unhappiness volume. And when he ended his email, he cut his thoughts abruptly the way you would close the door of a lavatory, embarrassed, when you realize there is someone inside.

He’s 48-years old and works for a multinational. So does his wife. He says in the email that from the outside they look like a power couple making moves -two children, a paid for house, a fairly lavish lifestyle – but inside, things are tumbling down like a house of cards. He’s unhappy. He wrote, “I think in the modern age there is a big disconnect between our women’s expectations of us as men and what we are able to deliver.” I nodded reading this – which was as useless a gesture as insisting on looking at the radio while listening to it.

To arrange a meeting he sent me a calendar invite. A calendar invite for Pete’s sake! I have never had anyone I’m interviewing for the blog send me a calendar invite. I wanted to borrow Fred’s ankara bow tie for the meeting. He has this one bowtie that he wears when going to ask someone for a bagful of money. The interviewee indicated strict anonymity and even went ahead to choose a name I should use. You will never guess. Actually you can; Paul.

Paul! For the love of God!  

Of all the names that anyone could choose – Gerald, Jermaine, Koko – he picked the vanilla of names. It’s like ordering chips and sausages.

Anyway, we meet at The Gallery, in Sankara. I get there before him and sit against the window at the table at the far corner, my back to the wall like Jack Bauer told us to. I settle for a juice because the whisky I normally drink is almost one thousand bob a tot here and my stature doesn’t allow me such liberties. Behind the soundproof glass the after-work foot migration head back to where they will gather around fires and family like man has done for centuries. Paul sends a text saying he will be ten minutes late, so I try calling my home girl, Joyce, who works at the hotel, to come down for a laugh. She’s mteja. (Wangui, you okay? I tried calling you. Goch’na)

Like a Swiss train, Paul walks in exactly ten minutes later as promised.

“I’m a good man, I want to believe,” he starts, placing an open palm against his chest. I don’t know why people don’t touch their heads instead when they say something like that. It’s always the chest, maybe because that’s where the heart lives and it’s the heart that dictates goodness, not the head. Anyway, he’s a good man. [Touch chest]. “I’m a mild drinker. I used to smoke, I don’t anymore, ten years now. I don’t chase women. I’m not a batterer. I’m a good father. I have a good relationship with my in-laws. I take care of the bedroom. I provide for my family. But no matter what I do, anything I do at all, it’s never enough for my wife!”

“Right. What’s her grouse?” [I wanted to use the word famous in that question, like “What’s her famous grouse?”, but we hadn’t warmed up enough for such cheesy jokes].

“There is never enough money to make her happy. We have made some sound investments over time and for the most part they have worked well. However, we have reached a situation where we are asset rich but somewhat cash poor. This has made things worse since my wife ties her wellbeing to having cash and it has affected how she views me and the marriage.”

“Why do you think she’s like that?”

“I actually think money’s where all this stems from; I grew up in an upper middle class background, schooled and lived abroad for almost all my life. She, on the other hand, grew up in a single-parent home. Her father left them when they were young and her mom struggled to raise them.  So for her, money is security while for me it seems money is simply a means. I’m an optimist, she’s a pessimist. And this money thing has really affected our marriage so much so that she can now go three months without talking to me. All we talk about …when we do, is money, the kids or the home. But even worse than that she criticizes me and everything I do and nothing I do seems to please her, not one thing, and I ask myself, what am I doing wrong? What more do I have to do to make her treat me with dignity? I check off the things that I’m doing right, Biko; we live in a nice neighborhood, we have two nice cars, I’m the kind of father who bathes his kids, I make breakfast every Saturday morning while she sleeps, while most men I know are nursing a hangie or even never showed up at home! As in when she wakes up and finds breakfast ready do you know what she says when she sits at the table?”

These are quite sumptuous, darling, thank you, I made the right choice marrying you. I would choose you again if I had to! Thank you! In fact, come back to the bedroom I show you in kind, because my momma told me that words are cheap?

“What does she say?” I ask instead.

“She criticizes the breakfast! Because the eggs are not done right or the pancake is too fluffy!” He throws his hands in the air. “She never gives any compliments. If I am to compare my involvement in the house with that of other guys, come on, man, I’m doing much better at that job. Look,” he leans in. I lean in instinctively. “I’m doing everything that we are told a man should do; I provide, I’m this good father, I serve her. Yet she treats me like this. But you know what baffles me the most? I see guys who are the opposite of me, they don’t do shit at home, they run around shagging girls, but their wives seem to appreciate them, yet I, who does things by the book, my wife thinks I’m no good?!!”

I laugh at that. Not to belittle his feelings, but because of the way he puts it. You had to be there, you would have laughed too.

“What do women want?!” he asks, his voice a pitch higher. “Because we can never achieve those goals.” His juice is set down on a coaster. He nods a thank you at the barman and when he leaves, Paul ploughs on.  “She insisted on us building a house in shags, for instance, and because I’m this guy who wants his wife happy, I built a 3 million shilling house in a place we visit twice a year because, come on, my folks live in Kileleshwa. Even they don’t go to shags that often. What is the opportunity cost of building a house like that in shags? But even that house doesn’t make her happy. You know when she was young auctioneers came to their house and took away their property. I’m sure that’s traumatizing but I keep telling her that I’m not her dad, I’m not going to l…”

I raise my hand from the table like I want permission to say something. He stops.

“Here is an alternative thought. The things you mention are just that, things. What if that’s not what will make her happy? What if it’s not a house that makes her happy. They [women] always say we have to fill their cup of emotions – well, I think it’s bottomless. Is there a chance that you could be going about this the wrong way and are filling the wrong cup?”

He tilts his head slightly to the side, like he’s just made a comma using his head. “She knows I love her. She knows I love her because I tell her that I love her. We used to do things together…we’d go on dates at least once a month. Every year I take the family for a holiday. Church is important to her so I choose to take it seriously even though I’m in a crisis of faith somewhat at this moment in my life. I have made what’s important to her important to me but it’s not enough and I feel unappreciated. I’m not enough for her.”

“I’m not a perfect guy but I would like to be supported even when I may be wrong,” he says. “ I want someone who believes in me and who else should that be if not my wife?” I want to say, “Yourself, only Paul can believe in you! “ but that will sound so Joel Osteen-like.

“I want my wife to believe in me because she married me and her heart should be in the right place,” he says.

“Does she believe in you?”

“No. She second guesses everything I do. There is nothing I can ever do right in her eyes. Tell you what, we can be driving, I’m behind the wheel, she is in the passenger seat and when I hit a pothole she makes these snide remarks to make me feel like I can’t even drive. I mean, it’s not like I go looking for potholes to drive into! I mean, sometimes it’s good to just let some things be, but she doesn’t. She seems to look for any opportunity to put me down. I really think there are men who do worse things that drive into potholes, to be honest. Husbands not hitting potholes is not the type of thing marriages thrive on.” Pause. “I’m trying to make the marriage work but I seem to be alone in this. How many of our friends are divorced or separated? Many! Her siblings? None is married. Some are separated, some never got married, one keeps changing wives. You would think she would look around her and think, gee, this man of mine isn’t too bad after all. But no.”

He says that he is the one who goes for all the children’s school activities; prize giving, sports day, open days, swimming galas. He takes cake to the school during birthdays, waiting around to cut it, sing and blow balloons. “When I go to these school events, I’m always one of the three dads at the function.”

“Maybe she doesn’t like you.” I say it so abruptly that it surprises even me.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“You know how you can have a mother who is evil and with a bad heart, treating everyone like shit? But she is your mom and you love her but you don’t like her as a person? Maybe your wife stopped liking you at some point. Sometimes I suspect that some of women just wake up one day and think I love this guy but I don’t like him anymore, and then they start hating everything about us, that even the act of us chewing food itself irritates them….”

“Actually she even hates when I chew…”

I laugh and say I was just joking about that chewing part.

“No, really, she does.”

“She hates how you chew?”

“She does.” Long sigh. A glance out the window. The streetlights are now on. “My question is, do you separate on that basis? I don’t know.”

Paul was married before. He was young then, 29 and living abroad. The woman cheated on him so he divorced her. It was a traumatic experience, going through the divorce, something that took so much from him that he is reluctant to go down that road again. He’s hanging onto this marriage, clutching onto it and it’s taking a toll on his self-esteem. His wife is shrinking him with a word here, a sigh there, rolled eyes over there and most of all, the wall of silence that she has built around her. He’s trying to stay the course, but the wheels are slowly coming off.

“What I’m trying to do now is to get affirmation in fatherhood, in my children, that I am worthy as a person, as a man, and that I’m doing one thing right. My children love me. At work, my colleagues respect me. I manage big teams all over Africa yet somehow that doesn’t bring the same satisfaction, somehow I still feel like less of a man…”

“When did she start changing? I mean, has she always been like this?”

He thinks about it for a bit, clutching his glass of juice as if trying to warm it with his body heat. “We have been married for ten years now and things were good the first three years but then I started seeing this attitude towards money.”

Conversations with his wife during the day have dwindled to nothing. He likes phone-calls, she likes messages. The last message she sent was the previous day about groceries. He says he’s not a big subscriber of what men should do in the house and what women should do. He pays school fees, buys groceries and makes investments. They live in their own home, which he paid the deposit for but because she was earning more at that time, she took over the mortgage.

“Has she ever been a warm or loving person?” I ask because now I’m thinking of her as a block of ice.

“Not extremely. I mean, she was never going to be the woman who helps you get your coat off at the end of the day and make you tea,” he says.

I don’t even think those women are out there. I think the last one was sighted on State House avenue circa 1998. She had a red scarf around her neck. The other day I heard one was also spotted on Mombasa road but the source was drunk so we can’t record that sighting. Now everybody removes their own coat and warms their own food.

“Do you think she loves you?”

He stares hard at a spot and then looks up. “I don’t know. That’s a tough question.”

“Do you feel loved?”


“Do you feel liked?”


“Do you think she is happy?”

“No,” he mumbles.

‘What do you think is causing her unhappiness??”

He crosses his hands across the chest in a cliché body-language kind of way.

“I think she is unhappy that I’m not meeting her expectations.”

“Do you know how she likes to be loved? As in what’s her language of love?”

“Words of affirmation.”

He says he hasn’t spoken to anyone about this. Not his closest friends, nobody. I ask him what has to happen now for this marriage to work and with his hands still crossed across his chest, he says for sure that it’s not more money. “It doesn’t matter how much I make, money will never make her happy. They say the number one issue in marriage is money, whether you have less of it or more of it.” Pause. “I don’t think any amount of money will fix this marriage. What will fix this marriage for me is if she starts appreciating me, not as a perfect man but as a man who tries his best.”

“Is this the end of the rope?” I ask him.

“I have some rope left. When you have children you don’t run out of rope fast. You sacrifice your happiness for them. I think it is the right decision for me now because I don’t have the fortitude to leave. I’m trying to balance my personal happiness and the happiness of those around me.”

In his email Paul had mentioned that he had yet to stray but was thinking about it. He now says it was a thought he considered, toyed with, but didn’t go through with it because he doesn’t “go to nightclubs anymore.” I silently chuckle at that purity. As if men who have affairs only meet these girls in nightclubs. That sounds so 1976, like meeting girls in a “disco.”

“Tell me something nice about her. What do you like about her?” I ask.

“She’s resilient.” He pauses and thinks hard. “Attractive. When things are good we have some very good conversations. You know, the funny thing is that even though we come from the same tribe and area in shags, we seem to have different outlooks in life.”

I ask him what he thinks she would complain about him if I asked her what frustrates her in the marriage. “She is not happy with my involvement in the spiritual life of the family. Faith is key to her but for me I have had a checkered spiritual life, it’s not agnostic, but it might be in a few years or so. I’m a logical thinker, have you read Sapiens by Yuval Noah? Fantastic book. Look I have done whatever I can. I’m the one who wakes up every Saturday morning to take our child to catechism classes. Is that not involvement enough? I also think she would say that I’m not a good financial planner and that she might not have confidence in my financial leadership of the family. Which is unwarranted because we save in treasury bills, we have paid off the house, we have invested in real estate….is that not planning enough?”

“How do you personally think you fail as a husband?”

“I guess I don’t communicate. I don’t tell her what’s going on in my mind as I should though that’s because how I process things is different from the way she does. The fundamental issue seems to be her past, this fear that everything will come tumbling down, so she requires me to have a plan A to F and to review it every month like she does. I have a fundamental belief that things will be fine. She disagrees.”

We have been talking for two hours. I pay the bill. We stand outside in the parking lot, talking. He thinks that marriages should be like a driver’s licence which you renew upon expiry. “I think people should get married in blocks of five years. At the end of the fifth year you all sit down and decide if both of you want to renew your marriage. If one partner doesn’t, the marriage ends. That way nobody has to feel compelled to stay married if it’s not working for them.”


Yes, I have read your emails and yes, I’m getting a man who says he’s happily married. Give me a week or two. The world is not ending.

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      1. Such a guy might be best for you if your love language is Acts of Service. My love language is Words of Affirmation too and I don’t see the point of all the stuff he’s doing.

        Clearly Paul hasn’t taken the time to understand his wife. He’s taking a cookie cutter approach hoping to make her happy. All he’s talked about are Acts of Service he does for her. He needs to go back and find out what the love language of Words of Affirmation means. He needs to tell her why he loves her, praise and appreciate her efforts etc. There are numerous examples in the book and on the internet if he needs guidance.

        Her love tank is empty and has been for a while.

        Words of Affirmation love language
        Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving. – From the 5 Love Languages

        1. Paul should read and re-read this comment with haste. The day we all learn to understand where our partners are coming from, from their own point of view……. Complaints will no longer exist on earth. And we shall all live happily to time indefinite.

          1. nah this is not it… its misleading.. they were never meant to be. cant we all see the glaring incompatibility. words and acts of affirmation shouldn’t be ‘work’ it comes naturally when the connection is right. as an example, Picture your relationship with your current best friend..its effortless right? Thazz it! Zaggadat. #PaulGetOut

          1. I’ll tell you what!this one time I was dating someone and he wasn’t doing it right, as per my expectations. Instead of cheating I just told him I like it faster and that’s what I got.
            Just communicate. It irritates to have someone who can’t just sync in but it never hurts to tell your partner how you want to be loved.

      2. The man is married to a narcissist and doesn’t even know it, they were happy for only 3 years then after that he can never please her…

      1. I so agree with you. All he does is cater to her material needs, but what about her emotional needs? Just hearing I love you is not enough. She’s thirsty of love and she’s bitter with Paul because he can’t quite seem to get it.

    1. So so sad that your wife doesn’t see ALL these positives. I once thought good men no longer exists but lately I have been getting proves that they do.
      So sad

  1. Tuesday, 10:48 am.
    Did it really just take me 12 minutes to finish reading this? I am getting rusty… Maybe that’s the reason my eyes are watering.

    I’m waiting for that happily married guy. Us recently married dudes need hope lol.

    1. I think men need unconditional encouragement, and emotional support from their ladies, that’s all.

      (I can’t speak on what ladies need though)

      Maybe that happily married guy will tell us something we don’t know…

      1. Women need constant reassurance. You can’t love me from your thoughts. You need to show it and tell me. I need to feel it more than I need to hear it.

        Once you beat that system, the unconditional support and encouragement will have you becoming President Obama (refer Michele’s book) or Clyde ( refer Bonnie and Clyde criminal story) or hell even Pablo (refer loving Pablo hating Escobar), the ultimate ride or die.

        Imagine that’s all it takes, making sure there’s no loopholes for insecurities and being assured of love, it’s really that simple!

        1. Bumble bee, I find for the first time not in agreement with your comments; its not always as simple as it looks. There is a mechanism in the human psyche when we don’t think we deserve happiness, our happily ever after or whatever that makes us self-sabotage. Paulo Coelho terms it breaking the pact with failure, T.D Jakes calls it something else- regardless of the label, its real. It’s a conversation with the Devil himself masquerading as “your self that wants to protect you from disappointment”…stranger things

        2. I feel women are different depending on their backgrounds. I am a Kenyan I was married to a Kenyan lady, it didn’t work out after 5 years and a kid later. I later married a national of this country I reside in and we have been happy for 3 years now. we do argue once in a while but normal stuff. But I am treated like a king. I get home at 3 pm I will have my shoes removed and a meal prepared. At 5 am in the morning despte my partner also going to work she will cook me breakfast and packed lunch. Sometimes our Kenyan ladies let themselves down. Even if Rihanna and Bey-once seduced me I would never leave her.

          1. What you wanted is a carer and your (current) wife speaks your language of love (which is being taken care of.) If I may speak for myself as a Kenyan woman, I am never home before 3p.m. to take off my husband’s shoes and coat. Majority of us get home past 8p.m., have kids, washing, cooking and cleaning, and still have to be at work by 7:30-8:00 a.m. the next day. You needed a carer in your wife, but did you do everything possible make it possible for your ex to take care of you?

            It would be interesting to look at it from her point of view.

          2. Sounds like you live in Uganda now?? It also sounds like you two are a good match. The mistake people do is that they know they like a woman who is subservient, who takes care of them, cleans up after them and instead of looking for this kind of woman, they marry headstrong independent-minded women then try to make them subservient. These alpha females are meant for alpha males. Men who know their worth has nothing to do with whether or not they have authority over a woman.

          3. Story of my life. Everything sounds soo familiar with my life story, especially the constant issue of family history affecting future outlook and expectations in life.

          4. When I hear Kenyan men talking like this aki ya Mungu!!!!!! Nonsense. Absolute tosh! Ati removing shoes, breakfast and packed lunch.. please hold my hair while I puke

        3. That’s very hard for a man to achieve sister. You should also understand we men are not emotional beings therefore meet us half way. If I am trying to meet your emotional needs then understand it takes a lot effort to even try. My two cents.

        4. Bumble Bee thank you. Gentlemen and especially Paul above, kindly let your significant other know that you two are a team, ONE TEAM. You can play tag team or united front or whatever you want based on the situation but so long as she knows and feels you are a team, you will be the A TEAM.
          The day you present a view/opinion that you are on different sides, I can almost assure you that she is gone. Getting her back will be such a hustle that it will drain both of you and leave you bitter.
          A woman doesn’t just change for the worse for no reason (unless you married a larvae that because a fly).

      2. Men are trying well some of them, they need a pat on the back and to encourage them, Am a woman and this stubbed me on the left side of the chest….

        1. İ have felt him too. İnspite of some loopholes that i can sense-those can bring downfall (,girls like assurance all the time) he sounds like a good boooy

          Talking , talking, if you dont tell her about your expectations,if she cant feel your love, if she cant hear your love….mmmhhh disaster

          1. In my opinion, Paul though well meaning eroded his identity by being everything he thought his wife needed him to be.
            The way he talks about what he has done for her is a manifestation of this, He does everything by the book and in so doing may have lost his footing somewhere in there. So probably the mrs just looks at him and thinks him fake or untrue hence the resentment.
            Sometimes all we want as ladies is to know that we are cruisng through life with someone who understands us who sees us. Maybe you need to take a step back and re- evaluate who you really are and moreimportantly see your wife and get to really know her, not what he thinks she is all about.

      3. Women need honest men. Something that is rare at this day and time. If you think I’m lying carry out a focus group. 80% of relationships are in turmoil because of men who can’t keep their pants zipped up for more than 5 minutes.

      1. For hope to be created one has to express their desires, wants and need… There is need for them to communicate what are their laungages of love…. What he is doing is clearly not it…. (girls love bad boys because they already know they are bad) he is not cheating on her with another woman but he is with his business moves and investment… she is not involved or made aware -assumption –
        Especially where he says he is rich asset wise but not cash flow wise. He did say she needs to see the . It can be fixed..his marriage. Plus he does not know the first place to find another.
        Sorry I was supposed to be sympathetic…

    2. I agree! We need a streak of hope.
      These stories are scary, you’d wonder why people would ever want to get married

  2. I agree, having a contract renewed every 5 years of marriage seems cruel but it can actually save many people frustrations, anguish and unhappiness… The pretense will no longer be there and in place will be Peace, honesty, trust and true joy being together.

    1. the pretense will be abolished yes , but the scar will still be there the feeling of unworthy about leaving your kids and unable to keep a marriage moving will be traumatizing. Im not for the contract in any way

  3. I always felt like you were more drawn to unhappy stories.. Making all single ladies out here wonder whether it’s worth the effort if the men will be sad at the end of the day when they come into our lives. Thanks for confirming my suspicions.
    Looking forward to the happy stories. Before our worlds actually end.

  4. Thank you! In fact, come back to the bedroom I show you in kind, because my momma told me that words are cheap?

    This one killed ..yoh…

  5. This couple just need to communicate. Go for a couples therapy and afterwards a vacation just the two of them. They will be fine.

    1. This thinking right here is the reason why marriages are failing. Slapstick solutions to big ass problems. Just do this, go here, try this… Marriage is much more serious and complicated because you can never cause anyone to do anything. His wife has to be as intentional as he is about continuing being in the marriage. this simplified solution will not deliver that.

      1. Wanjiru Kimani counseling is not a slapstick solution. It’s actually one of the few things (short of a miracle) that could solve their problem. Counseling should be professional therapy not the common “tuongee na best couple” thing that most people believe in. If both are open to the idea, it is the best thing that they can do to their marriage.

      2. True,she needs to be interested in the man and more intentional.
        The irony is that the women willing to be nice end up with jerks… and the good men fall for the ‘nasty’ chics.

    2. Unless it decision reached by both but by the look of things there is more than meet the eye. .That’s one side of story . Wife has some solution ideas too

  6. Pole sir. Her past haunts her. Try go for counseling pamoja. The Achokis r pretty decent…. and b ready to speak, and b specific in what you say coz no one reads minds in this planet. All the best.

  7. Wow,so sad, I don’t what actually happens, but I know for a fact, marriage is like gambling, it will either work or not. I read somewhere before you get married, try experiencing life with person when he/she has a financial crisis, when they are really sick and when they have lost a loved one, if you can endure that, marriage might just end up working for you guys. I hope they get professional help, at times these phases are important in marriage, and most people live happily ever after after that dark phase has elapsed. My prayers for him and the wife.

  8. Paul if you cheat yours is finished! There is one more thing you haven’t done.. and that’s counseling! Try that! Beware though, that the counseling could take things either way! You might get in thinking you want things to work out, and realize you are actually done with the union! Sad, but true! Keep being an awesome dad!

    1. Stranger things have happened. Maybe Paul getting caught expressing feelings for another lady will turn his wife’s head back towards him.

      “Competition is always a good thing. It forces us to do our best. A monopoly renders people complacent and satisfied with mediocrity.” Nancy Pearcey

  9. Sometimes people are selfish.

    I think she wants to leave. To leave without being the bad guy. So she will push until he snaps and gives her a scapegoat to use.

    When he says he doesn’t wake up on Saturday morning with a hangover like other guys, I am tempted to say nice guys finish last. But it is not true. The is no blueprint that guarantees being bad will make you win. Or being good.

    I can almost agree people should marry in batches of five years. Because what he is going through can suck the soul out of a person. But then marriage is a lifetime affair.

    1. Plot twist;

      Maybe she just wants attention. And has a weird way of showing it.
      The same way Paul wants to communicate, but thinks waking up on Saturdays is the most upfront method of communication.

      Maybe she just wants someone to reach out to the little girl in her and reassure her that she’s safe here, the bad guys are gone.

      Maybe she definitely feels the same way about Paul, she’s just insecure. And insecurities can come out in very ugly forms.

      Because trust me, when a woman is done, and just wants to leave, we don’t push, we float along, and then when the rope becomes too thin, anything can make it snap, and that’s when we leave. But when we’re done we don’t push. Trust.

      Paul, communicate with your woman!
      Maybe acts of service is not her she’s receptive of love (you making breakfast), maybe she’s receptive of other languages.

      Maybe separation ( refer the article Biko did on the guy who used to write fatherhood 101), can do much more for your marriage. A little distance really brings clarity.

      Someone said counseling, you should give it a try to really know where everything stems from.

      Mostly, all the best champ, all the very best.

      1. Abigael,what if “we’ women just tell our men what we want,what if Paul’s wife just says what she really feels and how she wants things…….Communication is a two way road..I feel Paul as a man is really doing his best and shows love..Sometimes this small gestures we tend to ignore and not appreciate,kills morale..

        But anyway,maybe just maybe counseling will help..

      2. Somehow I got the notion he is not loving her right, He clearly doesn’t know what the language if love for her is.
        Just like her father left, probably she thinks Paul will leave too and her plans A to F are not for financial security but are so she doesn’t experience the same pain again when Paul eventually leaves
        It’s not about the money. Paul is getting it all wrong. It is about reaching out to the lost, untrusting, broken insecure her.
        Money doesn’t fix everything as Paul seems to think

    2. It’s completely draining him.
      Now he’s looking for assurance from his kids.
      He’s a good dedicated dad, going to school events and the fact that he’s still faithful is a plus.
      And he’s scared of walking out,

    3. But I thought these were the kind of women men want. I am surprised they even have feelings. Good girls always finish last.

      1. This is a simple open and shut case. They are not compatible, as it is with most, they got married for the wrong reasons. Should call it quits and keep it moving. There’s nothing there

  10. Woah! I’m literally frustrated from reading this. From his side of the story, he’s every woman’s dream! Wish you could get her side of it as well…
    Eagerly waiting for the happily married man story- he as well doesn’t chase after girls since he isn’t into clubbing

  11. No wonder I fear marriage, it changes one. The wife obviously changed and probably knows she did but has not decided to be a better human…sigh

    Mr T your son needs you.

  12. Affirmation is also his language of love. Has he ever told her how he feels? We could be here thinking what a nasty woman she is but does she know ? There is a difference when someone doesn’t know how their actions affect us and when someone knows and keeps doing the same shit over and over again. Faith is key to her yet she practices it not , that’s confusing.
    well Paul ( because we know you will read all our comments) you can visit a marriage counselor but you will have to face her and tell her you are unhappy in your marriage and want to work on it. Alternatively , you can silently hope and pray she sees this article and decides to be a better human on her own accord. whichever way , communication of some sort ( earthly /heavenly or out of body experience) will have to take place. Just keep doing good and being a purposeful husband and father , your children see it and learn from it.

    1. She knows what she is doing…he resentment is too constant for her not to be aware but she needs to want to acknowledge and strive to be a better human

    2. I agree but the children may also learn the opposite,they may not see it from a “doing good and purposeful’ point of view….they could learn resentment, inferiority, and ingratitude other qualities that mess with their esteem.

    3. Waceke well said. Paul cannot and should not change his stripes. Should continue being a good guy because that’s who he is. But God in heaven he needs to communicate how he feels with his wife. Kama mbaya ni mbaya, let her read this article if that is what it takes.

  13. Well saidl, deep down I think the woman is resentful about something that the man must have done in the past. I can comfortably say that they’re married for the kids one day someone is going to snap and walk out. Another thing, being the family representative in marriage can be a hard, she has a lot to prove to everyone.

  14. Your wife needs counselling Paul, sounds like she has been through a lot of traumatic experiences especially growing up. People will control issues usually have had traumatic childhood experiences but she needs to understand that she cannot control everybody, it will only push you away. She needs to revisit the past and deal with it.
    You sound like a good husband Paul, don’t give up on her. Your marriage can be saved.

  15. let the religion go.

    it will be one burden off your chest.

    then free your mind and plan the next move.

    you can’t stay in a life like that.

    i wish you the best of luck

  16. What do men do when darkness beckons? When winter closes in on them? When their unhappiness starts making their fingernails grow slower and their pillows get harder? When their wedding rings become hollow metaphors, a mockery of vows? When their marriages that once promised to flourish forever, like they promised God and man, now start disintegrating like a cork coming apart in the hands of a poor wine opener?
    It beats logic how men decide to bottle up everything just because the society says that speaking up makes them sissies. I think the guy should initiate a conversation,say it as it is.. raw from cover to cover and tell the wife how it feels….even if she doesn’t give a response, it will be written on the wall.. my thoughts.. maybe? anyone else?

    1. Noel, its true sometimes it pays to be candid and open about stuff in marriages. however its never easy opening up about feelings, wants or resentment that one feels. most men would rather bottle up their feelings and hope for a better tomorrow

  17. ” I get drawn to unhappiness, curious about it’s source. It makes me want to follow it like an explorer follows a river inland to find where it stems from. Then I want to light a small fire and camp there.”………..Just wondering though, has he ever told his wife all that he told you? She probably has no idea. Maybe if he did, she would open up about the whole situation. He should not just assume .Not if he wants it to work anyway.

  18. Sometimes it’s never about the money. This guy is doing things “right” based on what he thinks his wife wants not based on what the wife actually wants. The major problem here is lack of communication. I always tell my friends that communication makes and breaks marriages and relationships. But what do I know, I am 25 and unmarried lol!

  19. “Actually she even hates when I chew…”

    I laugh and say I was just joking about that chewing part.

    “No, really, she does.”

    “She hates how you chew?”

    “She does.” Long sigh. A glance out the window. The streetlights are now on. “My question is, do you separate on that basis? I don’t know.”

    This is sooo 65% me ,i think i also need to change and start appreciating,was just laughing at myself when reading this,but actually the guy should communicate with the wife and express what he actually feels.

    “I guess I don’t communicate. I don’t tell her what’s going on in my mind as I should though that’s because how I process things is different from the way she does.

  20. “I don’t even think those women are out there. I think the last one was sighted on State House avenue circa 1998. She had a red scarf around her neck. The other day I heard one was also spotted on Mombasa road but the source was drunk so we can’t record that sighting. Now everybody removes their own coat and warms their own food. ” hahaha

  21. First of all this woman needs to deal with her past and traumatic childhood. They’re the inky reason she is the way she is.
    After that, if they want to, they can seek professional marital counselling. All they need is to communicate better.

    Kudos though for being faithful.

  22. my gosh. This is scary to read. I keep wondering, what kept our parents and grand parents marriages together? I know times have changed, I hate the ‘kuvumiliana vibe’ and the ‘mutumia ni gutumia ( french for ” a woman’s role is to be quiet) because that’s quite a boring life. They would stay married because women should shush and they obviously depended on men for provision, as men depended on women for home-keeping. But now as I said, times have changed , women are now earning, the generation we are in now is more vocal ( so mutumia ni gutumia doesnt hold water anymore)………

    What exactly keeps marriages nowadays? esp in situations as the story above? passive aggressive comments from your spouse, lack of appreciation etc etc…….

    whoaaaaaaaa, me I want to read a story of a plane that landed……( I mean, a marriage that’s enjoyed, not endured)

    1. Ineza, you have no idea what strength there is in Submission, until you try it. Women are powerful creatures .I invite you to experience Fascinating Womanhood….

      1. Do you think submission is the issue between these two? I doubt it. I see a lot of communication breakdown and maybe lack of seeking help in discussing these matters. Clearly, the lady has issues with her past experience and upbringing……..and unless they seek help the man will continue to go through this pain………..

      2. Well said… And society wonders how mpangos thrive…. Bottom line, honesty is all that matters… Learning to manage expectations (hard part)….

  23. Biko Sir!! I think we should have a warning tag at the beginning…. NOT FOR THE FAINT UNMARRIED MEN. Young dudes will chicken out of marriages like…. Wawawawawaaa marriage is hell, glad I read it on Biko, this Zulu saved my life

    1. I can guarantee you when you meet the one you will forget you ever read this that what love does to one. From my parents experience I thought I would never marry but look at me now. I have been happily married for 15yrs.

  24. How can someone be so unhappy in marriage. ‘In his email Paul had mentioned that he had yet to stray but was thinking about it.’ I dont’ condone it but let him stray. Maybe he will learn a thing or two about making a woman happy. Plus it is always good to look at things from a different perspective.

  25. Such stories make me wonder how the universe works. Some people are out there yearning to be loved like this yet those who are actually blessed can’t seem to appreciate. Smh! The irony of life!
    I really home they work it out cz clearly he’s fighting for the marriage

  26. Paul you sound like a great husband and I do believe that your marriage can be salvaged. Your wife needs counselling, sounds like growing up, she experienced traumatic experiences, especially when her father abandoned her family which led her to developing a father wound and it has affected the way that she views and relates to men. These issues can be addressed through counselling.
    Go for counselling as a couple, deal with the root cause will be dealt with.
    I wish you well in your marriage. Don’t give up on it.

    1. It surely seems to be the case. Most if not all marriages resemble Paul’s situation.
      Though the top residents in marriage are usually:
      1. Cheating
      2. Money
      3. Boredom
      4. Lack Of Communication
      5. Cheating

  27. Lack of communication, pessimist character, lack of trust are some of the things men face today from our darling wives.

  28. Wipes tears ……. counselling could help! You sound like every woman’s dream man !!! Communicate about how you feel , try rekindling the fire …… above all dont stray it will kill whatever is remaining in your marriage !

  29. “I think people should get married in blocks of five years. At the end of the fifth year you all sit down and decide if both of you want to renew your marriage. If one partner doesn’t, the marriage ends. That way nobody has to feel compelled to stay married if it’s not working for them.”

  30. “The other day I heard one was also spotted on Mombasa road but the source was drunk so we can’t record that sighting.”
    This is effing funny!

  31. Hi Biko my heart bleeds for this guy a rare gem indeed. I wish he could just stop doing things just to please his wife coz he will die a very sad man. He should do his best to please God and for sure even the kids will never forget that he was there for them. From experience my father has never seen any good in my mum and they have been married for 38yrs. I can assure you if it was not for my mum doing all kinds of businesses and toiling shambas even going to school could have been a challenge and mind you we schooled in public schools. My father was an AP earning 900sh per month so you can guess what that could count for, for a family of six. Due to my father’s insult and violence my mum became diabetic. It’s only of late that she has come to terms that no matter what she does my father will never appreciate. She is happier now and her health is improving. My friend stop looking for approval just show up and play your part the world is unfair anyway.

    1. May be he should try taking it slow. As Osteenish as it sounds, do a self-reflection and valuation to find self appreciation and joy that comes in one knowing that they play their part and are good at it too. I think one of the reasons nice guys finish last is because they concentrate on pleasing the partner so hard. It arouses insecurity in the other party.

  32. The unhappiness can be felt… this day tough times hard to deal with, Paul needs to realise only He is the source of his Happiness not the wife, kids,work……. deep down he knows he is doing something right and if the Mrs feels otherwise, her loss……. The cheating may give him temporary pleasure and perhaps have his ego plus other things stroked but wouldnt be a lasting solution to his unhappiness if not add more misery …….. I hope he get out of such soon…..

  33. Biko these series you’re currently writing is like an early warning system to us unmarried folks to steer away from that institution. You need state protection until you’re done!

  34. He needs to read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Gray. They simply don’t know how to communicate with each other. They probably have different love languages. He especially needs to read that chapter on Women and Waves. Then he’ll understand he can’t fix her emotions.. … Let them try that before they leave each other.

  35. And??? How is he now? Are things working out? Did he get better at communicating? Did he get more money? Did the wife get any happier? Am just a curious soul….

  36. Truthfully speaking, what Paul is going through is not strange for most marriages. However when kids are involved,the rope wont end so fast. So i advice him to stay,and hope and pray that a better day for them.

    Yes, good marriage stories is what i look forward to.

  37. Ok guys, therapy would do you some good. Ur story is not down to the gutters yet. Your Wife is scarred from her childhood, and you as a man need affirmation as you keep repeating. Probably for some reason you need to be constantly affirmed to believe in yourself, hence the religious ,spiritual belief conflict if i may say. So all i see is two pple who need to heal from their demons and all will be well. U’ll be those guys who give testimonies in church. Bless!!

    1. Unfortunately this is the world we live in. Men can’t express themselves cause people like you will judge them. He is human. Give the man a break. Ama you’re the wife he is talking about?

  38. At this rate am now mortified at even the thought of getting married, aren’t there good marriages out there…?

    1. Of course my dear Nashilu there are good marriages out here mine included. Been married for 15yrs with 5kids and still feels like we are on honeymoon. I love each an every day ave been married. I believe us Kenyans don’t like the good stories that why most don’t come out least we find them proud.

  39. This opening paragraph carries so much weight. Thank you for translating thoughts into words so…. accurately

    What do men do when darkness beckons? When winter closes in on them? When their unhappiness starts making their fingernails grow slower and their pillows get harder? When their wedding rings become hollow metaphors, a mockery of vows? When their marriages that once promised to flourish forever, like they promised God and man, now start disintegrating like a cork coming apart in the hands of a poor wine opener? When, unconsciously, this state starts showing in their choice of their wardrobe; darker ties, duller shirts and socks that start getting darker and darker, a river of misery. When they wake up one day and their unhappy marriages have seeped into everything they do like an ugly cancer.

  40. I grew up in a single parent household. My parent’s relationship is so messed up and complex I would not even know where to start. I feel like my existence is a mistake. I fear that my marriage will fail because of this, among other things. So I live in constant fear. My husband knows this…because I share. And he never tires of listening to me, encouraging me, allowing me to cry. And then reminds me, I am not my past, we will deal with whatever comes etc. It always lightens the load…and encourages me to fight another day, another week…Just listen to her…and encourage her. It’s definitely not about the’s fear.

  41. Marriage is a scam. Period. Nobody is satisfied with what the other does. Granted there are days, I wake up and I want to light up my partner on fire, and then other days you are not sure what the partner wants, then there are other days, everything seems calm and everyone is fine. Though such moments – the nice, calm parts, are normally short-lived. Women are brewed for drama.

  42. There are women who still removes their partner’s coat, warm their food and take off their laptop bags at the door.

  43. “I think people should get married in blocks of five years. At the end of the fifth year you all sit down and decide if both of you want to renew your marriage. If one partner doesn’t, the marriage ends. That way nobody has to feel compelled to stay married if it’s not working for them.”
    I totally agree with this

  44. This is just an example of how lack of communication can kill a ‘happy’ marriage.If only Paul could open up to his wife the same way he has done with Biko. Maybe the wife doesn’t know whats happening to him,maybe she wants out but bottling emotions inside like this is SCARY!

  45. I am not Dr. Love but I can tell him this: Communication is vital for the survival of any human relationship, marriages included. And for communication to be effective,
    i) air your grievances- be specific.
    ii) choose a good time, when you are both relaxed.
    iii) listen objectively- let go of the notion that you are the perfect partner or the partner who is doing their best to make the marriage work.
    iv)Change your mind set about yourself and about her. Show her love (it might seem a difficult task but try it out- it’s the best time), physical… give it to her how she likes it.
    Talk about your issues, seek counselling, go on vacation.

    Waiting to read about the happily married guy.

  46. After a year or two, let us know how these ‘sad’ married men ended up. Did there marriage become better after they talked to you? Did they divorce, marry again, ended up doing drugs, become alcoholic or worse kill themselves? Or things didn’t change?. I, like you is drawn to sad stories. Sad stories make you see the resilient of a man.

  47. In my humble opinion, *Paul you’re being too nice and it doesn’t seem to be working for you. Withdraw that good boy charm now because its not being appreciated. You could try and be a little tough. Put your foot down, refuse to condone the sneers and the sighs. If she has something that is bothering her, let her speak candidly about it like a big girl. ” So you don’t like how I cook or how I drive” please! “make your own eggs” “Drive yourself” (Risky but heck, it might get you somewhere!). There is definitely an underlying issue, but if you don’t address it soon enough shit will blow out of proportion. Lastly, read Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, and get her to read it too. I’m really sorry that you are so crushed. I wish you all the very best. Love and light!

    1. This story is raw and beautiful.I think we should be okay with listening to real stories. Sometimes we want perfect,but we get real, and real is pretty perfect too. I thinks it’s not really about him acting too nice or the lady having past issues. In the end I believe what matters is showing up. Looking at this couple as individuals first. Telling him to change who he is,is a slap on the face because that will give him more self esteem issues. I mean, a billion ladies would say Paul is exactly what they need in a man. The lady should appreciate her man if she really loves him. Love doesn’t breed resentment. It all boils down to human virtues. We all want to be loved and appreciated and giving love when it’s not reciprocated hurts so much more than losing a placed bet.Marriage isn’t something to toy around with like young lovers crushing on each other and going through emotional rollercoasters. It’s choosing to show up everyday for your partner and learning to be selfless. Yes, we’re imperfect but being married means working as a team to make each other better. A major conversation should be heard. It’s sad that he’s the one going through all this and still has to initiate the conversation. For his own peace, he should have that conversation with her because holding on to an unhappy marriage just for the kids is what leads people to a hellhole of depression. A man question his manhood is a sad place to be. Sometimes an honest conversation is all it takes. He deserves to be happy. She needs to work on her heart and appreciate Him. She should be honest if she doesn’t want to stay in the marriage and give the man closure instead of making him feel as though he’s not good enough. He can’t be the only one fighting for it. If not, the dents will start showing and affect the kids too.

  48. I know this is not a popular approach but I feel people should have marriage enrichment courses once they are in marriage. Pre-marital counselling classes are great but they take place when couples are all ‘lovey dovey’ and cannot see beyond upcoming naptuals. A lot of us need learnings (not direction) on how to navigate through marriage once you are in there. It might not work for all but it might enrich some marriages and save others. Strathmore have a fantastic one done annually through the Family Development program.

  49. Oh God! Please give me such a man who does his best, who doesn’t subscribe to what a woman or man does in the house. Well, I feel you Paul because I walk in shoes that resembles yours. Why do bad things happen to good people!? I think you should now take a step back and do you. Stop doing things to please her, stop making breakfast on Saturdays and you can just say you didn’t feel like it. Go for holidays alone, get yourself a new nicer car. Let her drive herself.. give yourself some space. If anything isn’t working, get the hell out of that marriage. Get yourself a good lady ( who has gone through shit and appreciates a good man). Everyone deserves a happy life. FYI, depression is real.

  50. You need to tell her/let her know how you feel . How you tell it /say it to her matters a lot . You will be surprised at what will come out of it. For now , you come across as the victim, which……….. may be or may not be entirely true!

    It always takes two. All the best

  51. Paul has had to learn the hard way that being in the wrong relationship will make you feel more alone than being single does. He gave the wife a piece of his life that he can never get back. But Paul shouldn’t get too down on himself, because in reality he did get something in return. He got perspective. He gained a greater ability to recognize the qualities he does and doesn’t want in a future teammate (oh yes, I said it – he’s going to leave the wife at some point, I can bet my bottom dollar). Such experiences make one gain the ability to draw a line and say, “I will no longer accept this in my life.” Only the person who didn’t give you what you needed can provide you with that ability. It’s a silver lining.

    I think the wife is dealing with a lot of insecurities. That is why she is seemingly on a mission to try to break him down, so he doesn’t have the courage to leave her. Such folks will consistently discourage you or point out faults or flaws. This is unacceptable and one needs to get away from this person because they will not change. Paul is trying to “fix” this person — and work harder to gain their approval so she can finally love him for who he is, and stop making him feel bad about himself — but here is the harsh reality: she will not stop. She will not stop because these issues have nothing to do with him. It doesn’t matter how much you change or improve to please them because you are not the problem. They are projecting their own insecurities onto you so they don’t need to face it in themselves. They go beyond not appreciating you into actually trying to lower your self-esteem. The moment you feel that you need to prove yourself is the moment you need to walk away.

    Your self-worth is not determined by how much someone else does or doesn’t appreciate you.
    That’s why it’s called self worth… and you need to stay true to it. You need to set your bar at a certain level and not accept anyone into your life who won’t rise up to meet it.

    And to Paul I will say, stay strong, stay positive, and most of all, stay true to yourself. Someone will come along and appreciate you for you.

    1. My exact opinion of this situation. Spoken like 1000 people. I dont know why people actually tell other people to stay in relationships that are abusive ,unfulfilling,and just so heart breaking. I dont advocate for leaving all together,but relationships generally get hard because people get intentionally mean spirited,unsupportive and cruel. Like you know this will hurt someone and you go ahead and do it because you can or for whatever reason or because you are hurting and insecure and seeing your patner happy is too painful . Yet they love you…Paul though,focus on you and the kids.You have achieved alot,your worth is not dependent on anyones approval .You call the shots. Focus on you.

  52. I think the wife and him needs counselling. They both come from different worlds of upbringing which seems more daunting on the wife’s side that makes her slip into weary everytime she thinks about the past.
    The guy needs to more than he thinks he is already doing..
    Wish them all the best,with the right counselling and attitude,this is salvagable..✌

  53. All a brother needs here is appreciation – for his efforts and for what he fails – and that is fine. Zones of convergence here are rare – it seems…. and my analysts are saying sex life died in year 3 of 10 ( unless a happy moment can happen in this scenario – “she can now go three months without talking to me”.). My analysts are also wondering if both of you can explore what defines both of you beyond material wealth – both fixed and liquid – and while at it, ponder about how many happy marriages that are founded on nothingness, abject poverty of materials and opportunities, yet rich of love, appreciation and compassion – for those who have had opportunities to spend time in poor households know this too well.
    Paul paints a great character, he needs to redefine his happiness, he needs to know that beyond being a good father and a devoted husband, he has a life he should take care of – engage time in things that are a few miles away from his misery….stand before the mirror and ask – “Being a good Paul, if my children were all grown and running their lives and ‘she’ moved to live with them, what would Paul do to pass his time and be happy? Would I become a dog trainer? A skydiver? Or would I seat infront of the Tv till death be my part?”
    Paul, love yourself!!!!

  54. It’s not his fault at all. She needs to appreciate life, have a positive attitude. He on the other hand can be tougher on her. Lead with a firm hand.

  55. Back here in Uganda our driving license is ten years, ten “expletive ” years….this marriage will have made me a walking zombie! Lol

    Am sure you may embellish that “great marriage story” for our colleagues here but Ndugu chics of late have become “tight”….

    I actually emphathise with this Jama in the story, it’s a very tough paper. What I will keep doing is provide for my children and the family when madam comes around and occasionally gives me nini I will work with that.

  56. Biko….tell that guy am willing to get married to him(even if its today evening). Some people don’t really know the value of what they have.

  57. I do think her past should make her act differently since she grew up without a father and would not want the same to happen to her kids but well as the husband says she processes things differently. Unless she speaks we can never know what is going on with her.

  58. I guess he is stuck at ‘am a good guy and do everything person’ not bad but he needs to come out and listen to her unspoken mind and feelings… as most has said therapy will help them a lot.

  59. I have never understood why people treat marriage like life itself,like it must succeed even at the expense of one’s peace,freedom and happiness. Here’s the truth;marriage is a union of two people(or more sometimes),so if at any time one of the parties treat the other with contempt consistently,then it ceases to be a marriage.
    I am in my twelveth year in marriage and i am happy. I feel respected and my wife treats me as the man in charge of the family. For this reason i love,treat her with dignity and take her seriously.
    But it has not been always been like this. In our fourth year of marriage she started behaving like it was her duty to monitor me and macro-manage me. I also noticed some subtle signs of disrespect towards me. I knew if i let them go on they would only grow and graduate to a worse thing.
    So i sat her down immediately she exhibited that trait next time. I let her know in clear words that she’s not doing me any favor by being married to me,neither am i doing her a favor. I expressly stated my conditions of the marriage staying alive. I was not to treated with disrespect or taken for granted.
    A series of events followed,including her moving out a number of times,inviting people to talk to me(whom i respectfully asked to let me handle my family my own way and dismissed them).
    This took around a year,but i chose i would rather have no marriage than be in a marriage where i felt valueless. A marriage where i have to cease to be myself or i have to secretly do some things because i am afraid about my wife is not worth it.
    I am also careful that i don’t create the same for her too. For the last six years i am happy man in my house,and i am convinced shes happy too. My two sons are happy too.
    From this story this guy sounds like he has no life of himself,he sacrificed it at the alter of his wife and marriage. He only does things his wife approve and he would never do anything that pleases himself for the fear (yes,fear) of his wife. The abuse has grown into adulthood now and i doubt he can reverse it
    He also came across to me as two things women hate and despise-Feminine and needy. You look at the sentences biko has directly quoted him and you’ll see it. The lowest of it is when he said he now seeks approval from his children.
    Marriage is not oxygen.We are not rehearsing with life. Make a choice of being happy and demanding it from life.
    Otherwise you’ll look at your life on your deathbed and you’ll be filled with regrets.

  60. “I think people should get married in blocks of five years. At the end of the fifth year you all sit down and decide if both of you want to renew your marriage. If one partner doesn’t, the marriage ends. That way nobody has to feel compelled to stay married if it’s not working for them.” Profound!

  61. I was raised by a single mum and i can say for sure that marrying women like us is not a walk in the park. First, we have no idea how to coexist with a man because we never had one in our homes. Growing up, we did not have a chance to see how husbands should be treated so we have no idea what submissiveness is. Secondly, most divorces are nasty and women are left to suffer with children, some mothers not having enough money to feed the kids leave alone educating them, which contributes to our insecurities in marriage(thats the reason why she wants an extra home is shags and a lot of money ndio kikiumana, she well not suffer). However much the husband love us, we still consider a possibility of the marriage not working after all which makes us defensive in a way that could be interpreted as disrespect.
    I dont think the wife does not appreciate Paul, she just doesn’t know how to and judging from her siblings’ broken marriages, its evident she needs help. Consider seeing a marriage therapist. Paul needs to be patient with her and constantly assure her that she is safe in the marriage, break the ice and engage her more when she chooses to be silent. Women raised by single mothers need patient husbands and a lot of help otherwise we end up single like our mums. Its even worse when the single mum is successful cause we believe we can do without the man after all and dont even try to make the marriage work. The last thing that woman wants is to lose Paul and the more he becomes cold and sad, the more she feels insecure and becomes defensive, regardless of whether she is the cause. I fell like my husband could have said the same things. Please dont give up on her.
    Good luck, Paul

    1. All you need to do is communicate. Most marriages are suffering because of lack of communication. Counselling can also help a big deal.

    2. I can totally relate to your views. The last thing that lady wants is for Paul to leave. She doesn’t know what to do with a loving husband.

  62. The wife is experiencing scarcity mentality. When you are raised in poverty and eventually get out, you are always afraid of slipping back. While it makes sense to be cautious, it also holds you back even in creating more wealth. As you build more wealth, one needs to appreciate that money is a means to life and not an end. It’s a tool to get by in life. What’s important is to know where to get it, how to maintain/manage it and not forget it’s a means. When I feel like I’m going crazy over it, I tell myself it could lose its entire value in seconds and I would not prevent anything.

    On counselling, it will not work unless they sit as a couple and first admit that there are issues in the marriage, discuss them and then maybe choose counselling as a means to resolving them.

    1. Chances r she got another man on the side.. Or she’s just too self centered and cash crazy, that she can’t appreciate u without having constant cash flow..

  63. Biko the pop psychologist.This Catholic Logical (hint catechism) thinker has forgotten that there is two (maybe more) aspects, Faith and Reason. I would recommend Paulo Coelho as a guidepost for the searching soul. Three things from this story: One in my personal opinion one cannot sacrifice their soul to save something- it is so sad but there is only one God, and He is not a human being, so forget the sacrifice, Love will find a way to keep both of them whole- Love does not delight in evil or the destruction of another (find Khalil Gibran). Secondly I totally get the love vs like dimension and you are right, it behooves one to keep their integrity as Love as per the commandments- but Love intelligently. Third, just like alcoholism is a disease, his wife sounds sick of another ailment that cannot be diagnosed in a hospital (well, a soul hospital). Being an enabler to someone else’s sickness is not a solution. I am glad he is finally talking and getting it off his chest (yes Biko, that’s where that heavy stuff sits, until you cant breath, if it fills your head you get psychological disorders which doctors can diagnose and medicate). I probably said too much, but not enough. I look forward to happier stories, this rabbit hole of sadness is addictive.

  64. “I’m trying to balance my personal happiness and the happiness of those around me”….Whoa!

    Waiting for the happy stories..ati the world is not ending hahaha

  65. Great read Biko.

    Too many wounded people and too many carrying (past) heavy baggage in our midst. And the cycle just never ends. The wounded wound their family and the kids grow up wounded….

    Counseling is underrated in this country. Yet, half the problems marriages have could be sorted out if we acknowledged that we have a problem. And sought professional help.

    Keep them rolling.

    1. Wounded is an understatement. Spouses hiring hitmen, it gets worse as it goes by. Married people come across as damaged people as I read this series. Why bother, si lazima. Let me enjoy my single life bila dramatisation.

  66. A man who is as half as good as Paul is deserves to be adored. Paul himself deserves an award, A medal. Something. Dude is too good and this is not reciprocated.
    A woman, or a man who snaps at a man eti he has hit a pothole on the road is someone with a lot of bitterness in their mind.. Hell, I am driving my car, and hit a pot hole accidentally…who wants to hit potholes?
    He wakes up to prepare breakfast and what he gets is criticism and snide remarks? And he still gets the energy to take the children to catechism immediately after that? Where do some men get this strength from?

    Paul, if you are reading this, get lost this Friday and show up on Monday morning. No explanations. No nothing. Kuzoeana itafika mwisho.

  67. Biko I have been waiting all week long and thinking how about if you just all these articles online so that once you are done, you can get to read the other haha.

    Good work Biko!

    Meanwhile, when the heart of man is in distress and when the void in them cries louder than any material thing that they ever had thought would quench their thirst(in vain), its time to go back to Jesus Christ.It is in him that all things hold together.He is a very cool guy with a good personality but to this level it is only God who will pull them through, let him be spiritual not for the sake of the wife but because of himself and his relationship with the Lord.This is a thirst in the depth of his spirit that not money, not the wife , not estate, not treasury bills not anything would save but only God .
    Wish them the very best.

    Marriage with the right picture works!It does work!

  68. The gesture of you Biko raising hand to start talking made laugh. To Paul, I recommend professional counselling and I really hope you stumble upon a good one. You may start alone then your wife might join somewhere therein. And I wish you the best, the best. Sadness is permitted but don’t let it’s power take over you. I know you’re in a crisis of faith and I hope that you find peace and clarity there as well. Keep excelling for the kids and all around you, but can you really serve from an empty cup forever?

  69. Mine is the opposite, i am in Paul’s shoes and my partner, is it baby daddy or husband – i have no idea what to call him, is like Paul’s wife.

  70. This guy has a supersized ego that needs to be massaged… I bet the wife got tired of polishing it and that’s what is ailing him.

  71. LOL!

    Even men can be victims and that’s alright. I love the formality he put to this meeting. I hope all goes well for him. Am a new subscriber, I write and as I learn much from you Biko, I enjoy as well. Good piece.

  72. ” Do you sometimes wonder why someone decided that envy is green in colour? And cowardice is yellow and boredom is brown and that if you are “blue” you are sad?”, it’s called color psychology, it’s true color communicate.

    1. So true…people express their feelings in different ways, through all the senses, these category of people are called Sensates. It is an amazing world!

  73. Paul you may think the grass is greener on the other side by toying with idea of cheating,you will realize that the grass on the other side is actually watered with shit that’s why it looks green.

  74. They need a guidance counselor, someone to walk them through the changes in their lives, their insecurities and how to overcome them. In hindsight though I would be surprised if the lady didn’t marry him just to check off a box/ chapter in her life

  75. Hahaa Biko, this story is interesting. Has he tried professional marriage counseling? If the wife’s issues with her past haunt her up to now, they better get help. And tell him it’s not unmanly to get professional help coz he still has that option. Am also in a marriage where communication is lacking. Husband does not open up to me, doesn’t invest with me or in me, doesn’t compliment me at all and is very quick to criticize and correct me. I understand when he says he is very sad. I know how that feels to be sad and somewhat trapped. I looked for professional help but this one of mine it’s God himself who will physically come, sio kutumana and change him, he needs a Saul/Paul moment. This your Paul seems a man who wants his marriage to work and work well. Let him seek help at least, before giving up. And I totally agree with him…….marriage should be a 5 year contract. That way I think people will be more happier. And those not yet married, kindly take your time, get to know that future spouse well, there is nothing here worth the rush and urgency. But then again, what is marriage? It’s a besieged city; those in want out, those out want in…….cliché sio? Hivyo ndivyo. So, pia, if you are in a rush, tafadhali by all means, karibu. We are all in this together.

  76. Paul,you doing well very well as a man. Maybe try talking to her or try counseling, clearly there is one or two things you are missing. If all or 3/4 you’ve said on your side is true please try reaching out to her and find out what she really wants ….. Proud of you (you really want it to work).
    God loves you and may he order your steps and hers too.

  77. Ghost Reader,

    You are not ready for marriage until the moment you are so single that you don’t need anyone in your life.

    Also, check this out on how to be single truly single but keep an open mind;

  78. There are actually problems, after money!!!… Sigh. They say money can’t buy everything but get the money first, then you’ll know the meaning of everything.

  79. I know of a couple who at the beginning of their relationship meet every three months and asked each other if they still wanted to be in the relationship. If yes why and if no why not. After a year they meet twice in a year and now almost 7 years they do it yearly.
    I asked them why they do this and they told me life is to short to be unhappily yoked and also eternity/ forever is a very long time frame to be in an unhappy union.
    Before their meeting they usual don’t meet or communicate for a week and then they leave town each on their own and meet at an agreed place out and away from civilisation for 3days. Rule is both have to let two People know where they are going a day before they leave.
    At their destination they exchange their hand written notes, where they write each other what makes/made them happy in the relationship and didn’t and what needs to be worked on if they stay. And then they ask each other if they still love each other and if they want to stay. They write their answers exchange their pieces of notes.

    Before their meet up, they are both nervous and anxious and so are the few friends and family membery of theirs who know about this tradition. They say having this yearly heart to heart talk or knowing it will happen makes them appreciate each other knowing they are not guaranteed that next year they will be together, if one says no at the year end ”assessment”.
    One time they had such a bad year, that we friends and family knew this year they will come back and the love contract will have expired but they came back more in love and as I speak this year will be year 9 for them and am looking Forward for the location Information because am one of the two people who gets to be told the meet up place just incase of an emergency.
    I have learnt from them ist worthy accessing your stand and emotion state in a relationship. A lot changes in the course of the years and I do should be said more than once over the years…I do to the new you, the new situation, the new us…or sorry but I don’t do this…we are humans and we need to live not exist

    1. Really like this concept, much better than a renewable contract because at the heart of it a marriage is a covenant not a contract. One more thought for the thinker (s), life is an experiment and the constants are known so why keep repeating the same actions expecting a different result. There’s no need to change the constants, just revise the permutations and combinations…

  80. Paul, talk to your wife. Insist on counselling so she knows you’re serious. Be prepared, because it will get worse before it gets better. Don’t cheat, don’t try to claim “good” points. I hope your marriage works out and that the both of you respect each other again.

  81. Very depressing story but I have picked one positive; he paid he deposit, and she picked up the mortgage! This is a team. This marriage can be salvaged. I just hope she is not cheating on him

  82. ooh Paul…i actually think that she doesn’t like you, that’s why its so easy to irritate her. Sometimes as women, we have this people in our lives that we respect and admire but once they start becoming too friendly or they start calling us often we get a bit irritated and actually prefer to like them from far….From your story, you seem to be doing everything you can with an intention of trying please her and in turn expecting her to appreciate you….my advise start doing things for YOURSELF. Do things that you love, spend time with your kids and your friends, nourish your soul and let her watch you taking care of your self from far….and she just might start liking you.

  83. Yo Biko!
    Tell Paul i have read Sapiens by Yuval and the sequel Homo Deus and now i am reading Lessons for 21st Century! Tell him that i agree with him that Yuval is great…and that i will buy him(Paul) coffee.

  84. If I was in Paul’s shoes;

    step 1: Get my wife somewhere private and comfortable for the two of us. Spark up a conversation on what marriage is to both of us as well as the traits we love and those we hate about each other. If dialogue doesn’t work, go to step 2.
    step 2: find a friend, it will help if it’s a girl and she’s attractive, who you can be yourself around. The intention here is not to get laid (Paul doesn’t seem the type) but to connect emotionally. It’s important that the friendship isn’t ‘forced’ but rather grows naturally. There’s affirmation that stems from genuine friendship that is divine. You’ll be a happy man and your wife will come around once she realizes she’s not the only source of your happiness.

  85. You sound like every woman’s dream guy just not hers. Try being bad…yeah really be bad see how she reacts…some chics get bored with good guys . try it for a week , or month see how it goes

  86. Behind closed doors they say !!
    People don’t know how to appreciate the good things they have …till they loose them.I think marriage couples should make a habit of visiting marriage Councillors after a period of time to get to know what they want.

  87. So much sadness..waiting for the happily married man story too at least to give hope to the singles that marriage works..

  88. The current trend is that most people are getting into marriage for their own individual benefits be it sexual, monetary etc. Its all about ‘I’ and not we. The ‘I’ factor is really killing marriages of today.

    Its also important to note that before a lady leaves a marriage physically she has already left emotionally. The wife’s emotions are dead. Perhaps if we could hear her side of the story.

  89. “Actually she even hates when I chew…”
    I laugh and say I was just joking about that chewing part.
    “No, really, she does.”
    “She hates how you chew?”

    Thats some serious level of irritation……or is it disgust??!!!

    1. Its a continuum, I think, on one side is love and on the other hate- if you are not deliberately, intentionally , committed to the one you slide back to the other almost effortlessly…what we focus on grows.

  90. Read somewhere that men should learn how to please women and not necessarily how to provide. If you can keep her pleased, laughing, protected and confident ( based on how you compliment her, treat her in public) I believe things would be better than considering providing, supporting kids as the only thing you bring to the table.

    But the most important thing I have learnt is women only like nice guys on social media. In real life women hate nice men. They consider them weak, predictable and boring. The more they learn they have you in your corner and they can comfortably predict your next move is to whine, be sorry for yourself or apologize they’ll walk over you. The main reason why the drunks are appreciated more is because the women know this men don’t care. You treat them badly & next thing you know they’re always in Juja or Kahawa getting some peace from campus babes.

    So if this man needs a peaceful life he needs to communicate honestly and fearlessly. Tell her what you said to Biko. Be a little bit more exciting. If you can’t do this, you’ll just be a philospher who thinks being nice helps. It doesn’t.

  91. I am looking forward to the next happy story because these ones are quite discouraging of marriages. Anyway, about Paul’s situation; humans always want what they can’t get and value is placed on what is not easily accessible. Perhaps try not being too good and maybe she will value you. There is always hope. It is not always cast in stone. Good luck!

  92. Husbands not hitting potholes is not the type of thing marriages thrive on.”

    If I didn’t know better I would say this was my husband.
    But I don’t work in a multinational n his folks don’t live in kileleshwa.
    But maen, it’s like looking in the mirror!!!
    Anyone remember”single ladies” when Omar says” I don’t like him anymore the way he walks, the way he chews, and even if he sneezes, I wouldn’t say bless you!”
    Shit is deep! And very very real

  93. The kids are sensing the energy between the both of you,get counseling.both of you need to heal from your pasts,her the father who left,you the previous broken marriage

  94. A marriage without love but with respect can actually thrive but a marriage without respect even with love is a non-starter. The fastest way for a man to lose the respect of his wife is by failing to meet his financial obligations and/or offer financial leadership. Who earns more is quite immaterial in this respect. Most women expect their husbands to provide even if the wife makes more money. Helping out in the house and with the children unfortunately does not mitigate this responsibility.
    Paul and his wife need counselling. They are unable to sit down and communicate between themselves so they need help. And Paul will be surprised that the things he thinks make him a great husband hold such little value to his wife.

  95. If your best is never enough for a person, nor even appreciated, it’s time to stop giving them anything.

    It’ll never be enough.


  96. 1. He’s not my dream man
    2. He sounds selfish
    3. He doesn’t understand his wife/ her love language
    Basing this assumption purely on his side of the story, he’s full of I’s – I do this, I want this, I, I, I. What does she do? It sounds like her love language is quality time, seeing as they used to go out on dates previously and do things together. Now, it’s all about what he does, not what they do. He’s giving the wrong language to the wrong person. His language is words of affirmation, clearly.
    She’s also battling abandonment issues, which I’m sure is not easy and the usual reaction is to retreat in fear of being left . It’s self preservation if you ask me.
    This woman sounds misunderstood. He is bottling it up instead of communicating.
    Something has to give.

  97. Great article Biko,
    the big issue is lack of appreciation, i can feel it deep down from his wife … i wouldn’t act like him, of course maybe hes doing more than enough and needs to be more different to change things … she’s not appreciating then don’t try at all, become a don’t care and let her act like the other ladies and appreciate you when u’r not there. i know i’m a bad influence but at times the bad boys are the help we need

  98. I still make tea, I would take off your court and throw in a massage!!! You are worth it! We still exist…just saying.
    Paul, I can only empathise. You come across as a passionate, committed and a good person. One question though, do you think it serves your kids… The ones you are protecting…to be in a loveless union? Sometimes, to love means to leave, for your sanity, happiness and the happiness of your children. At times, it calls for the hard decision ..of letting go the toxic..for another chance at love.. Or doing all that you know and then some more, for your marriage.

    Whatever you choose, I wish you joy.

  99. You come across as a decent chap. Hardworking, committed to your kids and you don’t sleep around recklessly. Get out.

  100. …ati where are such men as Paul from again?…I doubt there’s a guy in this era who’s as jipangad as he is. 🙂
    Let me wait for the “Happily Married Guy” story.

  101. These are quite sumptuous, darling, thank you, I made the right choice marrying you. I would choose you again if I had to! Thank you! In fact, come back to the bedroom I show you in kind, because my momma told me that words are cheap?
    hahaaaaaa Biko does that still happen really
    maybe in the old ancient days.

  102. Biko,
    Those women who help you remove your coat and make you a cup of tea still exist.
    I have one in my house. She will remove my shoes and socks (especially when she knows am totally beat) make me a cup of tea, ask if I need water or anything else and serve me food diligently.
    And she also works 8 -5 (sometimes to 6:30) and is a great mother to our 3 kids.
    Yes Biko they still do exist.

  103. I was like the lady in this story until one day my husband out of the blue blurted out that we were not happy yet I was. He essentially was saying he is not happy.
    What a wake up call that was for me!! Paul, talk to your wife before you go for counseling.

  104. Very few words from me…Low Self Esteem, Low Sex Drive and a harsh past on the wife’s side. Even if the man has all the money and love and all…the man is in a relationship with a stone. He did not screen his woman for the qualities he wanted…so man stay for the kids and find your love later on in life. All the best

  105. This is really sad. I would want to ask the guy to get to the end of the rope already but i also feel like he would not be the same guy because of his previous relationships therefore the next partner will suffer. It would be hard for him to.
    After this i kinda think that good guys are still there and that everyone’s language of love is important.

  106. No. I don’t think marriage should be on a contract basis. Because people will always opt for an easy way out, that being leaving after 5 years and starting another relationship. Where as the one you have is the one that is right for you. Marriage is said to bring out the worst in people and reveal sides of you that you never knew you had. Maybe she is still oblivious to how her past still affects her and how this makes Paul feel.
    I think Paul need to communicate, therapy would be nice for them since they get to listen to each other and understand each other more.

  107. Am with Paul on that last part, people should get married on 5yr contracts then review them at the end of those years to see if they’re still willing to continue. Waiting for ’em happy stories…

  108. what you have made up in your head that is happiness to her its not probably she ain’t the kind of woman who shrinks before a man coz he has made breakfast。stop making breakfast coz clearly its not working and go look for more Money。

  109. Please schedule an appointment with Biko. You seem to have a happy your story that can shine some light into the dark abyss that marriage seems to be.

  110. my thoughts too. She doesn’t want it to work. Baggage from the past that’s haunting her siblings too. Sounds cliche but, daddy issues can leave souls pretty numb

  111. “Do you know how she likes to be loved?
    As in what’s her language of love?” “Words of affirmation.” …The things you have described here are “Acts of Service” yet you say her love language is “Words of affirmation”. Those are two different things and probably that’s where you are getting it wrong. I recommend you read “The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman” to help you distinguish the different love languages and how you can love each other better.

  112. random thoughts….

    -Kudos for not faltering as a father despite your unhappiness. God bless you for this…
    -paul, paul, are you doing these things to get recognition…tenda wema nenda zako. That way you don’t feel like you are owed shit and you remove unnecessary expectations.
    -familiarity breeds contempt, probably why your chewing irritates her. maybe you are predictable? too nice? boring? maybe she needs to be reminded how good she has it. Remind her your exciting ways?
    -also, why did your first wife cheat? whatever your role may have been in that situation, did you deal with it? could you maybe also have some stuff to work on?
    -are you ok with yourself, comfortable in your ways and in your being….this way validation will not be so key to your happiness
    -please communicate, just speak up.! e.g why do i make you so upset, could you please stop making such remarks about my chewing. etc

  113. I know this is unsolicited advice but-Be spontaneous. I think she has learnt how you think and do things until she can predict what you will do next.
    I also feel there is more to it than money. Kuna kale kauwanaume wife hungoja kutoka kwako (couldn’t put it better in English).

    Ps. I am married and happy and I don’t know how to make an omelette.

  114. If your God is money then you’re poor to me i have a feeling -Nyashinski quote….Decide on what’s best for you usifiche shida chini ya carpet.

  115. Can you really be happily married? I doubt…Hey Biko ask Paul to do it the African way it has always worked get a second wife…its a reasonable compromise. Atleast he will get a new perspective of the whole situation.

  116. Thanks Biko for a good read.
    Paul marriage lacks communication, each has different goals, but can’t agree on what to follow as a couple. The wife has fears that if Paul listened, he would be at ease.

  117. “how is the sex? ” Guys I have to ask! I don’t want to have a sequel of the story about her cheating with some dude who can meet her bottomless spot on.


    1. Weirdly i think she is cheating. For women sex begins way before we go to bed. It’s in the talking about nothing in particular, lovey dovey messages all day, eating a meal together. All these small things lead up to some good sexing. All this is not happening, do the math.

  118. I think that Paul and his wife need marriage coaching. Talk to another couple and air your grievances, and walk with them for a couple of weeks, or months. If this interview was with his wife, we would be surprised at what we learn, because men and women communicate differently and it is important for both of you to be heard. Interestingly, when you have been around each other for a while, sometimes what you say gets caught up in issues that have been running for a while. And then it gets to where Paul is, all he can now hear now is the negativity.

    Please get a marriage coach, Lamead Couples coaches Cynthia and Donald Otieno come to mind. You can start on your own, then invite your wife to join, don’t drown in unhappiness when maybe just a few tweeks could change your outlook completely. And your marriage.

  119. Wow,Paul you got one life…LIVE IT!!Change what you think is the problem… life does move on.Wish you all the best.

  120. Biko,
    Do you realize someone could potentially find out who the person is by reviewing the security tapes at these locations?


  121. Paul is doing great, infact he only needs to step it up a bit, he needs to do what he is doing to himself too. He needs to love himself more.

  122. very few words….Low Self Esteem, Low Sex Drive and a horror haunting past. Extremely negative toxic person projecting her personality to her optimistic husband. Also she lacks emotional intelligence. So to Paul , you did not screen the woman for the traits you wanted in your woman. Count your losses , take care of your kids and go find someone who has mutual feelings for you…otherwise your lady will never change, that is her personality and nature

  123. I think you should do a series of ‘women and marriage’, you’ll hear of infuriating things these men do, that they (the men) have no idea about.

  124. What a story. I agree with you he fact that nobody should feel compelled to stay in a marriage. The more I read and do my research on marriage and divorces, the more I get convinced on the need to pursue a partnership.

    See people get married for love, money, security, children etc. They also stay married for diverse range of services.

    I would want a partnership. We agree on the Goals, objectives, values, the expectations, responsibilities, dispute resolution, circumstances in which the partnership can come to an end and the life of the engagement. See like how friends run businesses and build empires that stand the test of time, that’s my kind of relationship.

    Marriages work but they are not for everyone

  125. Divorce is not the end of life…it would be better to co-parent and give kids better surroundings and healthier relationships than to live together miserably and transfer the misery to the life of your children.
    Children are smart…do not think you are shielding them. If the boy noticed you were unhappy, just imagine for how long they have observed the interaction around them.

  126. Unless she deals with her own demons, nothing Paul does will ever be good enough for her. Even if he takes over the mortgage payments and gives her twice her current salary it won’t make a difference.

  127. Congratulations Paul, You are the Man!! Keep doing what you are doing. Enjoy the school meetings, bathing your kids and making breakfast on Saturdays and Sundays. Live your life and enjoy it. Don’t go for counselling. Because she will start pretending. Pray for your wife daily for God to change her. And one day, which maybe years later…. She will open her eyes.

  128. patiently waiting for a happily married man these stories are starting to portray women like ungrateful wives torturing men out here.. these stories are depressing and not encouraging those who want to get married.. As for ”Paul”. your wife does not like you anymore probably forgot why she even chose you. women get like that sometimes.Marriage changes people. makes them feel trapped after a few years in, so there is a bit of lashing out like a caged animal. one party has to be the strong one to weather the storm. this time its you.. but hang in there. she will come back to you.

  129. Paul I hear you…. I think you are in a relationship with an emotionally immature person. I once read that ‘marriage is the last attempt at growing up’. The sort of maturity required to make a relationship work is something many of us will never get to. As the relationship progressed she needed to figure out if her baggage/issues are blocking her from having a healthy relationship.

  130. Dear Paul,

    I’m not an expert in marriage, but i’ll share something i came to learn over my few years in marriage. You can choose to take it or leave it its up to you, but i’ll share it anyway it might help somebody here who’s reading it. I’m also a processor like you and my wife gave me the exact same treatment as your wife. Our silent treatment would go on for months on end, until one day one mzee gave me an advice i will never forget. And it changed my marriage for good to date and i’m still enjoying my marriage which was at a brink of collapse.

    That mzee told me, the Bible says men love your wife and women submit to your husband. Then the mzee continued and asked me “do you know what it means to LOVE your wife?” I told him “yes, you buy her a car, a house, become wealthy and spoil her” that mzee said nope thats not what God meant when he said love your wife. I was confused but i gave him a keen ear to hear what he had to say. So i asked him what did God mean by that phrase love your wife?

    He said I’m glad you asked. He continued and said you see men were born with one thing and that one thing is what you use to love your wife with. Okay, and for luck of a better word lets call it ‘Mjulubeng’ and continued and said if you use it well you will never have a problem cohabiting with your wife ever!!!

    I went home that night and really thought about what that mzee said and decided let me try and put it into practise kwani what do i have to lose? So that night i made sure I’m well fed, and even did a few push up’s just before i jumped into bet and said a small prayer for encouragement. That night i changed the script from the usual one shot and dozing to almost five or six with all kinds of style included. I made sure the following day she could not wake up or walk, and when i came home in the evening she not only offered to remove my coat, she removed my socks, and boxer too. served my favourite meal and she even gave me her pin to the ATM incase i ever needed cash. And that has been my routine and i can tell you for a fact, i don’t have submission issues with my wife.

    Listen to me Paul and other men who are reading this, love them right and they will submit. You wont even need to ask for it. It will be offered in plenty, she won’t even remember that you had a processing issue or your broke, true story.

        1. This to some extent has some truth in it. Once you do an above par job, she automatically becomes a nurturer. She wants to please you, feed you. Unajipatanga ata nyumba anakuja kuosha. Haha!
          Hence the term, “dickmatised”
          I wouldn’t know about marriage though.
          Women are more sexual beings than men as their forays in life. She has a standard that she has set. If you do not level up, the marriage is gone to the shitters however much you provide an romanticize your union.

  131. She sounds like someone with an attachment disorder, from what I’ve read here; dismissive-avoidant. Which means she may have unresolved childhood trauma from a dysfunctional family/upbringing. Worst case being that she developed a narcissistic/borderline personality. She has all the hallmarks of the latter. I suspect Paul has already been cuckolded.
    I read an interesting book recently called Marriage, a History by Stephanie Coontz. Thanks to her am giving marriage a miss.

  132. unfortunately, his wife has fallen out of love with him. From the article, Paul appears to be a good/ weak man. Good men finish last. when was the last time Paul told his wife no and stood his ground?
    you cook breakfast and she doesn’t appreciate then the following Saturday you still cook??? You tend to appear more of her battler than her husband. Be firm on her.

  133. This one sounds like a whiner, almost as if he was looking for a therapist … just to whine then go home and do nothing to salvage the situation

  134. Wow! I read such stories and I just cant stop wondering how sometimes one can be lucky and sometimes unlucky. By this I mean, here you are loving this person giving all you have to the best that you can but all you get is nothing the same, all negative then you wonder what it is that you did wrong or what could be wrong with you. why is life so unfair at times?
    Paul, I hope that you get to open up to your wife about how you feel and work this out and save your marriage. Am not married but i pray that one day one time I will get married and when in trouble I will have people who will have my back counsel me with tough love when things are going the wrong way to make them right. I believe in communication and reaching out. All the best

  135. Very touching. Reminded me of that Boys II Men song ‘Water runs dry’.
    What I know about marriage so far (8 years) is be nice. Sounds so simple but goes a long way. Treat your spouse as you would like to be treated (your childhood scars notwithstanding).

  136. It would be interesting to hear what these women have to say because there are two sides to each story. ‘Paul’ keeps referring to his wife’s past as the cause of their marital issues but I am more inclined to believe Biko’s theory that she just stopped liking him and he most likely already knows that but is in denial.
    Her opinion of him probably changed over the years, perhaps one of these guys who create a persona while dating but become their true self after marriage because you cant pretend for ever…my opinion.

  137. Sounds like Paul is trying to fix a problem only his wife can fix. Her insecurity with money is her thing. She needs to fix it herself.
    Also it sounds like Words of Affirmation is really Paul’s love language, not his wife’s. He wants to be appreciated and to be made to feel adequate but his wife can go months without talking to him. Ultimately if a person isn’t satisfied with themselves they can’t be satisfied with another. So I think Paul needs to stop making it about him and then maybe he can help his wife figure out what’s going on with her.

  138. What a sad story! Makes me bat shit scared of this thing called marriage- and especially one that bears offspring then you end up “staying for the kids”. Those precious little things have a way of picking up that energy and it alters their perspective on how marriage should be not adding that the moment they are off to college you are left there looking at each other like- what next roomie? Oh well- such is life he said!

    But i love this here part….

    “I don’t even think those women are out there. I think the last one was sighted on State House avenue circa 1998. She had a red scarf around her neck. The other day I heard one was also spotted on Mombasa road but the source was drunk so we can’t record that sighting. Now everybody removes their own coat and warms their own food. ”

    Circa 98′ must be an old flame- the one that got away :-(. Wondering about the one spotted on Mombasa road from a drunk source. Therein lies your answer Paul.

  139. Something about Paul is not adding up. What did he do? How can the wife just decide to be that ice cold?

    And Biko, Paul needs to go out – he is too predictable and predictable is Boring.

    1. Maybe the wife is just a bad person, that’s all.

      Also, I think Paul is too nice.

      Nothing appeals to a woman more than a man that has got his self-esteem in check.

  140. “Not extremely. I mean, she was never going to be the woman who helps you get your coat off at the end of the day and make you tea,” he says.

    I don’t even think those women are out there. I think the last one was sighted on State House avenue circa 1998. She had a red scarf around her neck. The other day I heard one was also spotted on Mombasa road but the source was drunk so we can’t record that sighting. Now everybody removes their own coat and warms their own food.” …hahahaha..
    I think there’s hope across the borders..the Ugandan women will remove your shoes and kneel before you, while the Tanzanians will sing a love sing in Swahili as they cook your food from scratch. The Yorubas may prostrate in welcome..I think Somalis and Ethiopians apart from being stunning will cook for you their lovely spicy meals and probably feed you!
    On a serious note..this situation is scary…it’s not for the faint hearted, and likely counselling will do squat. Just tell Jesus to take the wheel…He has to sort you guys out.

  141. I love myself too much to tolerate shit of any level. This guy displays narcissistic traits, must men who are insecure can relate to him. Ladies be aware.

  142. This woman has DADDY ISSUES and she cant find a father figure in you(probably because of your sissy tendencies).the worst part is she might be having an affair with an older guy and then gaslight you to suppress her guilty.But you also seem to have a problem,you seem to be getting affirmation/self esteem from the fact that you have a cute wife with a great career hence terrified with prospect of loosing her(and your self esteem).You need to know that self worth come from within and no matter what happens you will just be fine or even better.Draw the line and tell her you are not going to tolerate anymore bullshit-she either change even if it means seeking help or a decision will have to be made.Li

  143. A husband/man thrives from getting respect from his wife.
    A woman/wife thrives from feeling loved by her partner.
    Sapiens by Yuval Harari is a mind altering read. Religion is BS.

  144. “Here is an alternative thought. The things you mention are just that, things. What if that’s not what will make her happy? What if it’s not a house that makes her happy. They [women] always say we have to fill their cup of emotions – well, I think it’s bottomless. Is there a chance that you could be going about this the wrong way and are filling the wrong cup?”

    That hit home!
    Great read and great comments too!

  145. Paul is the version of man that I aspire to be. But I’m shocked with how life slammed him down,regardless of all the efforts he made to maintain the happiness of people around him.

  146. Did he just mention Sapiens by Noah Yuval Harari….that reminds what Harari said: ,Happiness does not really depend on objective conditions of either wealth, health or even community. Rather, it depends on the correlation between objective conditions and subjective expectations” Yuval Noah Harari.

    How I wish that the two of them could just speak to each other, be vulnerable & have that hard conversation that everyone seem to evade.

  147. The longer Paul stays in this marriage, the worse it will get for him as a person. His spirit is dying slowly. Why stay in a marriage that destroys you. I hear dating divorced people is hell, especially those who have been cheated on. Baggage galore.

  148. Show up and play your part. If it’s not giving you the satisfaction you deserve. Get out! Why do people settle?

  149. I don’t think it’s about the money.
    When you think about it why do we work and hustle so hard? to make and get money which we then use to secure our futures and those of our children and loved ones. ‘Paul’ has made investments which means the family’s future is secure.

    I think that the wife is already done with the marriage and is using money as an excuse and in the process damaging what sounds like a good man.

  150. Happiness is an inside. Never forget that. Take care that you will not vulnerable and succumb to the little things of life that will finish you off.

  151. I wish you’d get someone else to interview the wives and you both release the stories on the same day to see if they actually match.

  152. Whaaaat, the dark humour in print had me reading on and on… Am I the only one??. My two cents Paul needs to bring his dark Knight persona into the relationship.

  153. How long did they date? Maybe he would have noticed those signs. I feel for him but happy he is not ready to give up yet. Happy that he has put his children first. He is a good man. I am glad he is still fighting.

  154. I have realized that we have more mental cases around us than we care to admit. The truth is that this lady may as well be suffering from depression. And here is Paul blaming himself. No one can give you happiness if there’s conflict within your soul. Seek professional help then take it from there…
    But more importantly Paul, GOD IS REAL. I pray that you find Him.

  155. I support the idea that Marriage should be on a contractual basis….5 years renewable if both parties agree. That way people will stop taking each other for granted. After 5 years both parties have a discussion preferably with each other then a counselor and both assess the pros and cons, the good and the bad, what can be changed and what is irreversible. Then decide on the way forward. Marriage is work and should be treated as such…..non performers OUT!!!

  156. Women might think they want this “zero grazer” man who never goes out, who never takes alcohol, makes his wife his best friend, cooks his wife breakfast EVERY Saturday. Women like mistery, to also try and impress the man she is with. It grows her love. I had that zero grazer, I walked away from the zero grazer. The meme that says you can’t be talking to each other the whole day, you must have other friends. Is very true.

    1. @Manka , I echo this sentiment EVERYDAY!!! “The meme that says you can’t be talking to each other the whole day, you must have other friends. Is very true.” Why would I want to speak to someone more than thrice a day? Abeg.

  157. Why do good guys end up with bitches and vice versa?Is that the rule of the universe that unlike poles attract?Or do we need to hear the other side of the story?Could it be she thrives in drama and chaos as a person?Or could it be she married you for convenience and was not really into it just because you were a nice guy?
    Maybe she just needs competition and she will soon know that its just about time and she could lose what she has been taking for granted.Men want to feel loved and appreciated.But its so ironical that most top guys in corporates end up being treated like shit by their better half.Hence why they go and have a mistress who reassures them and makes them feel wanted and get a sense of importance.All the best Paul in your next step.But most importantly choose happiness.

  158. I have asked myself so many questions here as a married woman. Looking at all this from the man’s perspective really makes a huge difference. This has been intense! Thank you Biko.

  159. We have only heard Paul’s side of the story. What about his wife? I have a feeling she is still mad at Paul for something he did maybe 10years ago. There has to be a reason . Some men hurt you then act like victims.

  160. Ten years from now,make sure you are in position to say you chose your life,you didn’t settle for it. This is for Paul and all the men out there who think being single is a curse.

  161. ”These are quite sumptuous, darling, thank you, I made the right choice marrying you. I would choose you again if I had to! Thank you! In fact, come back to the bedroom I show you in kind, because my momma told me that words are cheap.”
    Ha ha ha..but why Biko?

  162. The wife’s side of the story is really being overlooked in the comments section. Lol. when you read this story, it paints Paul as the perfect man, every girl’s dreams but has anyone wondered why his first wife cheated? why this second one changed? how many people here really believe that a woman capable of employment in a multinational company, capable of paying mortgage would be so naive as to how hard money comes? Why would any woman just suddenly dislike a ”great’ guy like paul? cooking breakfast ones a week is no affirmation, she prolly does it all other days. and now just because he doesn’t run like other men sleeping around (which no married man should),does he expect a medal? he’s doing what he committed himself to do..she’s also not running around cheating, is she? He admits he lacks communication then immediately dives back to blaming his wife….. really? anyone would know communication is the backbone to any relationship. Honestly Paul comes out to me as entitled…a good man but entitled.
    But anyway.. im 26 and single so idk… but her side of the story,..i would love to hear it.

  163. Hmm, this is an interesting one but also is it possible to track down and get the other side of the story for some of these stories?

  164. Hmm, this is an interesting one but also is it possible to track down the wives and get the other side of the story for some of these stories?

  165. Intimacy isn’t just physical, it’s mental, emotional, and spiritual. Connect on a deeper level if you desire a long lasting relationship. Men we need to give so that we can receive. And discipline is the reason why some men are successful in their relationships.

  166. Hey I was admiring this kind of a husband until you asked him what he thinks she would complain about him if I asked her what frustrates her in the marriage ..mmmmhhh!! there and then I started shaking my head.
    Dude these two are so major. my husband frustrates me for not saying what he is thinking or feeling, and this part ‘requires me to have a plan A to F and to review it every month like she does. I have a fundamental belief that things will be fine. She disagrees.” I totally disagreeeeeeeeee.

    Building with one hand and kubomoa with the other!! NKT! and you say you are a good hubby.

    let Mr. Paul work on those two and his marriage will be awesome. he will come back wit h a testimony.

  167. But why is Paul comparing himself down/negative? I do this, other men don’t(do worse), I wake up on sat,( while she sleeps in)(does she sleep all day, all week) I come home( other men don’t), would you rather be those other men Paul? Should you be compensated for being/doing what you are supposed to do? Who makes breakfast all the other days? Are you running with her ‘past’ coz you are on and on about it? Your insecurity shows, maybe this is just about you.

  168. Marriage is a big headache nowadays and men get the short end of the stick .A modern man with money get nothing out of marriage .

  169. I feel like this is the story of most men if not all. I like how ladies say that you have to be there for them emotionally but it becomes impossible when you already feel so put down. You can be romantic when your emotions are disconnected.

  170. It took me losing everything that i thought was meant to stay, for me to realize that i was always enough for me. Don’t break your own heart. There are some people out here who don’t know how to treat others right.

  171. When someone is done with you, no matter what you do to please them, it will never work. They will always find something wrong in everything you do. The lady made her decision a long time ago and she is only pushing the man to fuck up, probably wondering what else he is waiting for. She has a greener pasture elsewhere and the only reason she is around is the same reason he is trying to make things work. The Children. The moment she gets the slightest opportunity, she will take off, with the kids I.e if the guy fucks up, where she will play the VICTIM.
    So instead of waiting for this to happen, just count the loses already, pick the broken pieces together, rebuild your confidence and start living life. Coz as we speak, they guy is crashed, and he will be crashed further, as long he entertains this… So for the sake of your children, pick yourself up, they need a sober DAD and a Happy one for that matter. Not a disturbed one.
    I agree with Peter Wesh up there completely!!

    1. I learnt that liking is as important as loving. I was the Paul in the relationship but once someone is done, there is so little you can do. Anything you do becomes are bother. No matter how perfect you are. I think Paul & Mrs should talk about it and come to a decisive agreement. As for me, I confronted him because he was cheating, and he decided to go. I’d rather be alone but happy.


  172. I am that woman in another marriage, the man typically my ‘husband’.
    Yes, finances is an issue but is a symptom of a much deeper thought petty problem. There’s one particular thing that sets me off …. I can’t stand the man he becomes then,sends me straight to indifference…at that point finances become a thornier issue than is…He doesn’t seem to acknowledge the issue,I can’t stand it so the status quo remains,we operate as such.
    The man should self examine honestly,he has played a role in their current state of affairs .He is not innocent,my two cents.

  173. I am that woman in another marriage, the man typically my ‘husband’.
    Yes, finances is an issue but is a symptom of a much deeper thought petty problem. There’s one particular thing that sets me off …. I can’t stand the man he becomes then,sends me straight to indifference…at that point finances become a thornier issue than is…He doesn’t seem to acknowledge the issue,I can’t stand it so the status quo remains,we operate as such.
    The man should self examine honestly,he has played a role in their current state of affairs .He is not innocent,my two cents.

  174. The 5 year block is definetly something i would be willing to try. Life to short to be lived in such a sad state. Failure is not something men take lightly. but its o.k to fail sometimes……

  175. Biko, please tell Paul to go and tell his wife all the things that he told you. Let’s his wife know how her words and actions make him feel.
    That marriage is falling because of lack of communication.

  176. Paul it’s good to know that even though you’re walking through hell, you have not opted to sleep around. At least you still value and love yourself. I wish you all the best in your life.

  177. What we all need is God.

    Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat– for He grants sleep to those He loves.

    Nobody has to bear such heavy burdens. Come unto Jesus, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and He will give you rest. Take His yoke upon you, and learn of Him; for He is meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.

  178. I’m sincerely sorry for paul
    Some ladies never appreciate
    Maybes he should divorce her and get someone better like me who is looking for such a good man and never finds lol

  179. Question is are you safe to love? The sins of our parents can become bondage if we don’t break the curse. Parents work on yourselves because “it is easier to build strong children than repair broken men.”

  180. Biko maybe the guy is too nice maybe. But if I was a woman I would keep him around such a thoughtful man. Anyway yes finally a happily married man finally.

  181. Paul you’ve given up on this marriage and like you said the only piece of rope left tying you to it is the kid. ‘Oya nani!’ you don’t have to be married to care for your kids.
    You decided to also add another religion rope to continue enslaving yourself.
    If it is not working, it is not worth stressing over. Get out!

  182. Dear Paul,

    A lot of women would gladly take half of what you are offering and even give you way more than above what you are asking, if that fails, all you have to do is look.

  183. Every day, Paul’s wife is faced with a choice and from this story, she chooses not to appreciate and be supportive. I cannot emphasise this enough, BUT THAT IS WHAT SHE HAS CHOSEN. ‘Paul” should just do what he feels is right and he needs to do, For Him; not to please her… but because it is the right thing to do. Where he feels he is failing, he should correct. … the wife has a choice and a chance to pull her own weight and make things work.

    This perspective changes everything.. because if you know that you are doing the best you can you really have nothing to regret.

  184. Just finished reading a book called Don’t Get Married Until You’re Single by one Sam Opeche and one of the key take outs was “it is not the marriage that makes the people in the marriage happy. It’s how people in the marriage that make the marriage happy.” And as an individual, if we had to sit for a marriage test, would you pass it? Are you prepared for what the institution of marriage demands? Sacrifice. Commitment. Humility. Selflessness. The two become one. Meaning two complete and independent individuals. Your partner’s job is not to complete you, you’ve got to do that for you cos only you know what that looks like. We don’t stop being responsible for ourselves just because we have a spouse. That responsibility never ends. And only when your well is full, are you able to overflow to others. You cannot give what you don’t have. To get married; to say you choose this person for the rest of your life is such a heavy and serious and life changing decision that we need to take a lot more time thinking about before saying “I Do”. A pastor once said, “The reason we walk down the altar and exchange our vows at the altar is because the altar is a place of death. And so on the wedding day, you are both choosing to die to self. Selfishness is the number one enemy of all relationships.” OK, I’m done with my thesis.

  185. I Don’t think there is anyone who deserves another’s baggage in life. Fears will always be there but don’t let good people pay for other peoples’ mistakes and sip through just like that.

    1. Marriage is not about ticking things off the box. Marriage is not playing by the book. This guy is so out! Like biko said, Paul is filling the wrong cup and he doesnt seem to realise it.
      Maybe that is the reason his first marriage probably ended.

  186. As a bachelor, when you read the Men and Marriage series, you begin getting hallucinations. Half-way through the article, you begin seeing women as villains, the thought of marriage antagonizes you. But then you remember the article ‘We Are Individuals’ and you put the negative thoughts to rest. May this good apple, Paul which has fallen not far from the tree find peace. I bet that all women who have read this are praying for such a husband.

  187. Interesting… I wonder whether these things Paul does… Like go for the children’s birthdays… are decided together or Paul assumes it’s the best way, (obviously). Not necessarily. You gotta know your spouse.

    1. Yes! Paul is just ticking off boxes. Doing things to get a ‘thank you. You are amazing Paul’
      He thinks marriage is by the book. He doesnt even consult his wife.

  188. If she doesn’t like you, it means she doesn’t sleep with you either. Remind me again, why are you still married?

  189. Am I the only one who didn’t know what a calendar invite is and how its used and who uses it? All i hear is marriage is hard, its not for everyone never met a person talking about marriage in a good light. Paul needs therapy, Paul needs to read books on marriage and Paul needs some soul food.

  190. Expectations:
    This is what kills most marriages. Paul is expectant that if he does this she will do that, if he comes home sober he will save the marriage. All lies boss!! I don’t think Paul is honest enough or better yet healed from the first relationship. He is trying too hard to keep this and that is not how marriage is setout to be. I had a terrible first marriage just like his; seven years down the line and it ended badly leaving me all bruised up. Three years later, I tried another to prove that I am marriage material that also flopped due to parental interferences. I sat myself up a hill and made a decision to love me first, love being me and doing what I love. In the process I found my current wife. I am a happily married man coz I do me. I don’t over expect things from her and neither does she. I came with my buggage and poured it all. Am nine yrs happier today and marriage is good, so very very good I wouldn’t wish out at all.

  191. Paul’s best advice yet… Get out now! He’ll think he’s doing the kids a solid by staying in yet the toxic nature of their union will slowly but surely get to the kids. e never do realise it but its selfish because all you do is trying to share love in a cloud of misery… it never works, it’s robotic, kids see these things hence “Dad why are you sad?” I always advocate for its better for the kids to have 2 happy homes than one stifled one. Number 2, Paul isn’t ares bad man and the wife neither, they are just NOT COMPATIBLE. I have come to learn that contrary to popular opinion opposites don’t attract and no amount of counseling will help unless you wanna run the marriage like a business partnership. Sadly the above scenario is the case for more than 80% of marriages I see, where it’s dragged on for the long haul like there’s some kind of trophy at the end. We try to benchmark on our folk’s relationships (longetivity wise) but you know why that doesn’t work in this day and age? Because patriarchy, because wives were fully submissive then, because man was the head of the house what he says goes. But generations have unlearned this, the sooner we embrace this the better. The West did… hence marriage no. 2,3,4 to infinity or none at all because your happiness matters.

  192. I feel for Mr.Paul How I wish he would communicate more. Too bad we will never get to know Mrs.Paul’s side of the story.

  193. Don’t gain the world and loose your soul.

    Some fathers believe making money, paying rent, school fees and bills equates to being a good dad. Character is what defines a person. You my friend are a good dad. Marriage is not for everyone.

  194. Sometimes you have to accept the truth, and stop wasting time on the wrong people. That is Life. You waste time on people who end up draining you and you could have shared that precious time on the right person.

  195. Men should be men. Learn manly ways. Take charge of your home. Set “themes” for how you like your home. Don’t be an outsider looking in. Don’t follow or look to always please your wife, it gets boring when you always agree with her.
    But most importantly, you are the head, don’t do the necks duties(wife is the neck).

  196. Five year contract sounds just right, since that’s the exact time some men start acting like fools. I will take it up, works for me. Women are also fed up!

  197. You have been too good. she knows your weaknesses and capitalizes them to make you feel less…Wake up stop being too good demand she makes breakfast,, Be the man. Sometimes we women like our men African. It is not your duty to erase her childhood memories it is for her to work on herself. Cheating is not a solution though

  198. One side of the story told sounds good and we could easily side with Paul. It’s so unfortunate he has not talked discussed all this with the wife to know how she feels about the marriage, the problem will be half solved. Before you stray, please talk to her better yet seek counselling.

  199. Marriages are too sad now days. What a life! Please let us have some happy stories, revive the narrative. Meanwhile, i am 32 and not looking forward to this kind of life!

    1. I am turning 30 this July and I feel like being single is much better and safer for my peace of mind. People (both men and women) have reduced the sanctity of marriage to a slice of bread, you can always have the next

  200. I am just trying to understand how God works because a woman who is grateful meets a man is totally mean yet a man who is sincere, honest and making sure that he takes care of his family meets an ungrateful woman…doesn’t make sense at all. I pray Paul sorts his marriage out and his wife sorts her issues out.

  201. If a woman doesn’t want to be with you and her heart is with someone else you could give her the whole world and it will feel irritating .Her heart is elsewhere. Maybe she feels like she could have chosen differently if she was to go back in time.

  202. Kudos to Paul for being the man God made him to be. I pray that his wife sees his commitment and affirms him.

    1. this are the instances where it comes clear to me that most marriages fail. patriarchy is your portion seek help

  203. Tough on Paul, but I feel him. Damned if you do, damned if don’t. Hope he can be happy for himself. She’s an adult, knows he’s going nowhere, concentrate on the kids. Hope it doesn’t come to a head one day. Challenge is doing the right thing, despite his position.

  204. Me thinks complacency checks in, while a relationship, as all else in life is a work in progress. Men get trophy wives, and keep philandering (good on Paul and keep it up). Women get that “ideal” man and chill out. For both, and in most cases, societal expectations and kids keep the marriage together. Great sex with the lack of emotional/mental/psychological connection is not a guarantee of marriage longevity. Being naked and not ashamed emotionally, without the fear of being put down is lacking in most relationships, considering the openness in today’s world. Money is good, but one of the ingredients in a relationship. What if it runs out!

  205. What a great guy! He just needs a good, mature, appreciative ‘other woman’. That will sober up his ice cube hostile wife.

    BUT……Why would a woman treat such a seemingly great guy, one that every woman would want, with such contempt?

    I feel sad for him. He’s going to exhaust himself trying to please a stone.. I would advise him to seek appreciation elsewhere. That way, the wife will realise what she’s losing and both can work things out like the “Happy Doctor” story you wrote about.
    We all deserve to be happy!! And he should seek happiness rather than killing himself softly going on over drive. I wish him the best!

  206. You are a good man. Now you deserve better. Well does this woman know who is the current man in the marriage and relationships? surely we never know what we got till we loose it.. You are investing in a woman who doesn’t take stock of the investment you are investing. You will continue doing everything but since she is a narcissist you will get exhausted but she will not be moved? Now please get another woman and drain your sorrows to her. Let her love you and give you the attention you deserve. What is the worst that can happen? you divorced before so what now?. Now you are literally living for the kids. Good for you but remember this they are growing up and will soon be independent have their lives. What of your life??? will you have a rehearsal of the past that you will have wasted? noo so you need to MAN-UP and just kanyanga kubwa kubwa towards your happiness.. Its not easy but with the zeal you have you will make it. That woman need to be left alone to think of the plan A to F that she want others to have and see if she can hack all of them and worse of alone. What is wrong with some women? A man who dosen’t drink, participates in kids life, provided you a home, is taking care of you and the kids, loving and present? yet you don’t appreciate him? Well she need to be left alone. TAKE A BREAK FROM THE MARRIAGE. Sometime that space is needed to awaken some thinking in her. By the way (Jokingly) try some other woman and just see what will cut. DON’T BE HELD HOSTAGE BY KIDS, MARRIAGE AND A WOOMAN. Its never that serious.

  207. Paul you don’t have to complain, understand your wife weakness. If she is perfectionist, she will leave to criticize everything you do. Caring too much you will end up hurting yourself.
    If she doesn’t appreciate, let it be. Continue doing your best.

    Dealing with perfectionist it very hard. Note this.

  208. Biko you should hook me up with this guy, I promise to take care of his ego. I dont go to clubs ….hahahah…anyhu, I think he should stop the pitty party and man up. His wife doesnt need a softie. She’s the kind that need a rough man to respect. So he is either shapes up or ships out.

  209. There have been some cover ups. Paul is doing things he hasn’t cared to mention. Or would like to do these things. Why is he putting much emphasis on what other men are out there doing while he’s being the “perfect” husband? The wife doesn’t owe him anything because he’s nice to her. Men and women are supposed to be great to each other in marriage. What’s with the keeping tabs of what he does? Would it count better if the wife was the one taking care of these things as usual? Like attending birthday parties? There is nothing special about all this, just do right.

  210. If what is happening here is anything like my own scenario the only problem here is she does not love him. Its sad but when this happens, you can bend over backwards, be and do everything and it will never be good enough. The woman (or the other person) feels trapped and imprisoned. The more loving you are, the more you repel her.
    I feel men can manage better when married to good women they do not love but for women… not so much. Women need to love their men otherwise nothing works or makes sense.
    I am with a man who loves me, who does everything but I just do not love him…. his presence bores me to death, his stories bore me, I don’t like how he eats, talks, walks, stands… it is so sad because I recognize he is a good man. But this thing called love or connection, it just cant be forced.

  211. Why is life so unfair to the good people?Paul is such a great species too perfect for the world,well a title I would also name a book as my memoir ,my life.This story has really broken my heart in pieces,I think maybe Paul doesn’t know to communicate ,a vice that eats good people up like me,well I believe am a good person too he-he.Maybe ,he should try calling his wife one day and ask her what the problem is.He is a good species,a great humble guy,he deserves to be happy and I hope one day ,his wife will start appreciating him ,baby steps go a long way I suppose.All the best Paul!

  212. Paul, such a gem you are keeping up with that for that long. I’m a woman and if I had a guy who treated me like she treats you, I couldn’t have been that strong, I could have left a long time. What more does she need, I mean you care for the kids, you compliment her, you tell her you love her, financially you provide, you are in the house after work. You’ve said you encourage her when she is on her low moments. She knows you love her. I’m trying to figure what more she needs to be done for, honestly I CANT SEE. The problem lies with the kind of a person she is, and that’s a personality rooted in her. Every couple has their own problems and that’s normal. You obviously, are not exempted from imperfection but man you are all dreams. She has eyes that see everything you do for her, she is an intelligent person that can read between the lines, and you might think she doesn’t know but she knows how she makes you feel. Definitely she has her own insecurities, but who goes out to take out their miseries on other people (in this case family), who are only trying to make you happy. It doesn’t help, it only increases the number of miserable people on the planet. I had a guy who made me doubt myself, really lowered my self esteem despite the fact that I tried everything I could to make him happy. I started doubting my looks, even though I’d get compliments from other people, I’d still find myself questioning the same. So I really get you. But still, communication is key, let her know how you feel. Maybe there’s something you did those many years back that she still holds against yet you have no idea.

  213. Poor man, I feel for him, for his wife too, she is probably unaware of what she is doing to him, he should trying talking to her about it, maybe she could see a counselor to be abke to deal with her past and maybe they could see one together, i know that feeling if never being good enough to someone who matters to you, it eats you bit by bit, if ge does nothing about it, it will be the end of him

  214. His married to a narcissist,someone who will never acknowledge his good deeds ,she might even blame him for things even when its not his fault,if he can i think he should communicate and if she won‘t listen,Run Paul ,Ruuun,dont wait till you start seeing a psychiatrist for it will even get worse,if you can, choose yourself ,be gentle with yourself ,you might not know this but may be your children are seeing what is happening ,,please choose you,i‘m a witness to such a marriage aki,narcissist can be sooo cold ,you dont deserve it

  215. I don’t even think those women are out there. I think the last one was sighted on State House avenue circa 1998. She had a red scarf around her neck. The other day I heard one was also spotted on Mombasa road but the source was drunk so we can’t record that sighting. Now everybody removes their own coat and warms their own food.

    This left me laughing my ribs out