Nancy at Week 16; Almost Giving Up


This week, I took time to look back at my journey and I was angry with myself. So angry to the point I almost cried. I know I should have done better; I have been on a weight loss journey before and by the 14th week I am always on my target and just cannot stop because of the level of motivation I normally have. This time however, things have been totally different. Every time I start to gain momentum and actually see some progress, something happens. It has ranged from asthma attacks to knee pain from the blue to an unexpected surgery. I am currently trying to teach my left leg how to walk again and from the look of things, it will take away. I am so pissed at myself, I have severally thought about quitting. I have desperately wanted to resign to the fact that I am fat and I am not alone. I have looked at photos of bigger women than myself and told myself,  “Afadhali mimi.”

I have tried to break the news severally to Biko and I have failed. The first time I was totally angry with myself I just wanted to quit and disappear.

“Hi Biko, thank you for the chance you gave me. However I cannot do this anymore….you should probably get someone more serious to do this. I am really sorry. It is not you, it is me.”

I looked at the text severally and I could not bring myself to send it. It looks stupid. Plus you just cannot quit like that. You can bargain your way to a totally different topic; life is about bargaining. I told myself, and started thinking about how I will bargain my way to writing about something less challenging.

“Hi Biko, I think it will take me very long before I can walk vizuri to enable me exercise and lose weight like expected. Can you look for someone else to do this halafu mimi I can be writing about whiskey? My escapades with whiskey, my love for it…..I can never lack something to say about whiskey. I can also write about the dimples that have refused to leave my butt and keep multiplying instead. I have given them soulful names like Shaniqua, Leticia and Jameson. The latest addition to the family is called Yego because of the position it chose to occupy. I will talk about the conversation they have amongst themselves and the parties held every time a new member joins them.”

I looked at the text, deleted it went to a corner and started questioning what I did to wisdom. Then I started to think of the difference the 6kgs lost so far has made in my life. The joy walking around without wearing a biker to avoid friction is amazing. I am yet to decide what is worse between having to pull your dress or skirt down because your hips is set to embarrass you by pulling up the dress to reveal the biker, or the pain caused by friction to the point of walking like you are carrying a stool in between your legs and the blackening that happens after. The type that makes you change your sexual fantasy to sex in the dark. Since I changed my diet and lost a few kilograms, my inhaler sits at the bottom most part of my handbag because I no longer need it. For those who have seen me struggle with that devil know what this means to me. I might joke about the dimples in my butt but truth is I have managed to chase a few with the kilos lost. Then there is that shouting weighing machine in the city. I might not have the courage to go back to the thing right now, but I know if a gun is held to my head right now and I am forced to step on the noisy ratting scale, I will not blame a lot of things like I did the last time I was there. I really cannot remember the devil that convinced me to try and get up that scale along Moi Avenue Street but I can remember that my heart stopped for a bit when that loud bitch shouted “You are 86 kilograms….” I did not hear the rest of other hateful things it spewed as I was busy apologizing to the people who were looking at me in shock and horror. When I was in a position to talk, I started asking the gentleman a lot of questions.

“Wire ya bra inaweza affect weight? Hiyo kitu inakuwanga mzito na sharp sana.”

“Hapana madam sidhani.”

“Na kama mtu amevaa corset ama body shaper? Unajua vitu ndogo ndogo kama hiyo inaweza ongeza kilo sana”

“Hahahaha! Hivi madam tuseme umevaa corset na bado naona tumbo? Hiyo kitu ni nyepesi sana”

“Aki unaongelesha customers vibaya. Unadhani nitarudi tena ukiongea hivyo? Hii kiatu yangu inakaa iko na kilo ngapi? Na mtu anaweza jua nimevaa padded panty”

“Madam unawaste time yenye ungekua kwa gym. Wachia customer mwingine nafasi.”

I walked away feeling dejected and fought the urge to turn back and wail as the machine happily announced to the next lady that she is 50kgs. After beating myself for a while, I realized that this is my journey; totally different from the others I have taken before. Most importantly what I have learned is that I can control it. I can sit back and give excuses or I can push myself to get the best. The doctor said that it will take me three to four weeks before I can be on my feet again, I have a feeling that I will be up and running by the end of next week. Do not ask where I have suddenly gathered so much from. I do not know. I saw a 4GB flash disk included in my hospital bill yet I was not given the flash disk when I was discharged. Probably the arthroscopy (I was told it is not hydroscopy) revealed my lack of wisdom and a flash disk full of wisdom was installed somewhere in my body.

No more excuses, no more quitting thoughts. To week 16.
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  1. Weight loss is usually a journey. It took me months to see results. The baby steps will one day count. Diet, home simple exercises and water. Hang in there.

  2. Chero, you weight has not affected your writing.
    Some things you say here only fat girls can understand.
    So you can’t give up and when you eventually acquire permission to
    leave ‘Fattyville’ don’t go all Njoki Chege on those of us who’ve
    been residents since before we were conceived.
    Get well soon Chero.

  3. I always do a minus 2kg while weighing myself to cater for the dressing and shoes 😉
    Anyhu you can always do minor exercises and watch that diet as you heal, I know this is easier said than done, especially in the cold rainy season 🙁

  4. Oh! Nancy the irony of life i can never quite hit 50 no matter what i eat so stop hating on skinny people really….. Hii kiatu yangu inakaa iko na kilo ngapi? Na mtu anaweza jua nimevaa padded panty” dead:)

  5. Hi,you know sometimes your body can be a pointer to how you are taking things. If all these complications keep coming up maybe for the time being
    its time to cut yourself some slack and just
    relax on the whole weight issue for sometime.

  6. Go Chero! I’m humbled by your honesty & optimism everytime. You’re working hard to do better…that just rhapsodizes the spirit.

  7. just dont give up on the ,journey chero, hang on there.obstacles are those things you see when you have moved your eyes from the goal.get well soon and all the best

  8. Chero I feel for you but don’t give up because just us u lost that six kilograms before you can do it again.the way I see it you have walked the talk.keep walking(no pan)

  9. “Wire ya bra inaweza affect weight? Hiyo kitu inakuwanga mzito na sharp sana.” Am still laughing…. 🙂 🙂

  10. keep on, girl.
    I on the other hand go to that machine hoping to have 1kg added to my weight. I am hanging on the thread of being underweight…at 52kg..
    while you fight the battle from up, I will fight from down, hope we meet halfway..

    1. Having a BMI of 17… That I know very well. Every addition on the weighing scale, even a .5, calls for a celebration

      1. I am that girl too. Fighting from down. Recently I noticed my third stretch mark on my bum, and I am over the moon.I treasure it:) so let me get back to my 2 glasses of milk and peanut butter with the right exercise to gain weight. Keep going Chero

        1. Lucy , i stand corrected but i really would like to understand how you would celebrate stretch mark ? I get terrified at the thought though i got cellulite i am fighting 😉

          1. hahah, well I know we all dread them.. I just appreciate the three I have because its a sign am adding some weight. That is all. I don’t want them in my arms and legs though. Noo..

  11. it’s normally not easy to stick to the regimen ya kulose weight but with dedication coupled with discipline, you will make it. Will it, Win It!, i normally say:) all the best.

  12. Don’t give up girl. Weight loss is like that. Just in case this makes you feel any better, i went to the club and walked only one lap then sat down. I did not feel like it. And sometimes, life is just like that. I had done 10 laps on Monday, I plan to do 10 tomorrow.. But sometimes in life there is that one day or season things don’t go right. (Biko would have used ‘S**t happens but I don’t do the ‘S’ Word 🙂 )
    So dearie, do not beat yourself.. Your Friday will come.

    P.S – The 4GB Flash disk is used to store the video taken during Arthroscopy. You can ask your doctor for a copy and watch. It’s a not the best of ‘movies’ so if you are of a faint heart, don’t watch. 🙂

  13. Don’t let it get the best of you. we all have challenges, or curses as Biko calls them. sometimes you feel worked out fighting but never give up. cheering you on

  14. OMG! If a had a coin for every time I felt like quitting the journey and resigning myself to being ‘pre-obese’ ..,yes there is such a word ask Aga Khan , I’d be rich. I feel you on all the challenges you mentioned above don’t give up tuko wengi pamoja 😉

  15. I missed you last week.

    Have you thought about getting professional help to assist you with your diet and exercise program? It will cost you but it will be worth it in the end.

    A professional can come up with a customized solution, based on your goals and circumstances and burst all those weight loss myths you may swear by but don’t work. Plus they will keep you motivated through your journey.

    A personal coach can help you develop an exercise program that can ensure you don’t injure yourself.

  16. I know the pain of that loud bitch. She’s evil I tell you, not taking our feelings into consideration. But you’ve been my motivation and I you quit now, you’ll become MY excuse to quit. So please don’t!

  17. I know the pain of that loud bitch. She’s evil I tell you, yelling our weight and not taking our feelings into consideration. But you’ve been my motivation and if you quit now, you’ll become MY excuse to quit. So please don’t!

  18. dont give up my dear. Dont send that text to Biko. I started reading your story just recently and you are really encouraging. Keep going. we are many in this matatu called Loose weight. keep writing

  19. The best thing is to set up a werightloss challenge that is fair to your health,say jogging,go to dance classes or yoga…you use less of youe energy,and ofcourse,youer diet

  20. you do have a dark sense of humor sometimes I wonder how you can laugh and make fun of yourself. keep up the end of the journey is just
    around the corner

  21. Hello chero
    You have been strong all through and your confidence is to die for. You should know though that not all skinny girls have it easy. Am over twenty but at 49kgs. Doctors think its anorexia but my parents don’t really get it (not that anyone else does really). Its hard to finish a meal without worrying about all the fat and cholesterol and

  22. Hello chero
    You have been strong all through and your confidence is to die for. You should know though that not all skinny girls have it easy. Am over twenty but at 49kgs. Doctors think its anorexia but my parents don’t really get it (not that anyone else does really). Its hard to finish a meal without worrying about all the fat and cholesterol. Eating up and being happy about it doesn’t just happen and its even worse when no one understands it. Meet you halfway chero. We can fo this

  23. Nancy, where I live, 76k is NOT fat…not even near fat. YOu are only 167.2 pounds!! 250Lbs, then you start to say Fat. That’s not to say go have a Whiksy (can’t say Whiskey – something about my tongue), but don’t beat on yourself too hard

  24. Oh, that bra wire part! Pole about the leg. Don’t give up though. You writing about whiskey would still be funny but let’s stick to this one for now. Ha ha! Feeling you on the slow weight loss. Like you, I’ve lost 6kgs and it’s made such a difference, I want to keep working at it. Tuko pamoja.

  25. Hey dont give up! I read your articles for inspiration (done 4kgs since we began the journey) Aim is to get to that 86 you were at, I am too embarrassed to say where I started from… Thank you for the inspiration!

  26. It is such a journey. It took me a year to see what others saw in 6 months. Give it time. Just because you cannot be on your foot right now does not mean your eating suffers. You will make it Nancy. You will.

  27. Can we hear more about them dimples and the whisky? Had me in knots.

    Keep the fighting spirit, it’s an inspiration to many here….

  28. Remember that the arrow has to be drawn back in order to the shot from the bow. You are making lifetime lifestyle changes and I am so proud of you for having the courage to share your journey no matter what it looks like. 🙂

  29. Chero was wondering what happened to you last week, for a moment I thought you were on a go slow in solidarity with those protesting against chocolate man. Don’t let a few bumps on the road stop you from finishing your journey.

  30. I don’t know whether to weep or be merry for the demise of the unnamed butt dimples. I love those things.
    In my defense, I am a Tanzanian.

  31. Nancy,As told you before, if you are looking at the scale, you can easily give up,weight doesn’t necessarily imply good health,good health is determine by the internal organs,processes and changes check your fat % and cholesterol level and you will be motivated, you even told us that you no longer use your inhaler that’s a significant change which should motivate you.
    To avoid boredom avoid repetition,use different routes if you walk or run, alter the speed of your exercises and once in a while treat yourself buy having sex with your partner immediately after exercises while still sweaty!

  32. Above all else, you sharing your journey as it is… is what keeps me coming here for more. Don’t lose hope, keep it up! 6kgs is alot, heal and then gun for more! Bless.

  33. Drink lots of water and eat plenty of fruit now that you’re bedridden (at least for a while). That will help keep the weight down. Plus your skin will thank you.