By Nancy Cherotich
I am not a patient person. I live for instantaneous results, promises must be kept and sitting in traffic makes me want to pull out my now nonexistent eyelashes and eyebrows. The city of Nairobi has tried to teach me that patience is a necessary life skill but I’m sorry Nairobi, you have failed miserably. Just one short week after I decided to embrace a healthy lifestyle, I started wondering if there is a shortcut I can use. Not a cheat, a shortcut. The definition of a shortcut is a way to achieve your goals quicker. Can I pray the novena for nine hours and wake up looking like a supermodel? Why have the sangomas and waganga kutoka Tanzania not discovered that rapid weight loss concoctions will make them so much money? Hello….business idea right there. Are the panda mbegu preachers aware that this might earn them that elusive residence in a leafy suburbs? Deep inside and from experience, I know that losing weight is a long journey that comes with sacrifices and pain but my impatience is having none of that.
In response to my innate eagerness for results, I joined all the fitness groups on social media not only to get tips on what I need to do to shed off the extra kilos and encouragement from those who have done it, but also with the slight hope that I will find a testimony from someone who has been through the journey and will say that it has been easy and that they lost so much weight in a matter of weeks with little to no effort. So far, I have gotten nothing….zero. Apart from decreased data bundles. The message that I have gotten loud and clear from the testimonies is one; no pain, no gain…Like I didn’t know this before. For me to get to the weight I currently desire, I have to work really hard for at least six months. SIX months? Who has six months? Like honestly, six months is a lifetime! In many of these groups, despite the strict rules in some of them, there are always advertisements of slimming pills and teas with the sellers promising quick results complete with photos of those who have successfully tried the same. I always laugh and shake my head when I see them, knowing that I would never try them, because I almost lost my life some years ago when my impatience drove me to that insanity.
But as we all know, the word “never” is a constantly moving target. I was going through social media and accidentally bumped into, wait for it, magic tea. I wasn’t at all suspicious of the testimonies, nor did I question the before and after photos of those who had tried it. The lazy and over-eager part of my brain kicked in and I immediately bought two packets. The instructions said to take the tea for a month, twice a day after meals, during which the promised weight loss was at least 5 Kgs. No need to change your diet or exercise; my lifestyle was to remain the same and I was to somehow end up looking up like a supermodel. Ok, makes sense. I even had the nerve to gloat to my friends that I was on this awesome diet and they should wait to see the new me after two months. On the second day after I started taking the supposed life changing tea, I started experiencing a running stomach sent from the devil. You know, the kind that makes you wish you could wear adult diapers and still look fashionable because the next available toilet may be too far. Never experienced that? Well…lucky you.
The instructions said that this would happen but it was to be mild and last for a few days then go away and let me lose weight in peace, so I persevered. It was a lie. A vicious lie! The diarrhea did not stop or reduce in any way. At some point, I thought I would diarrhea out my womb and all the contents in my stomach, including the lining. A 5 liter bottle of water did nothing to lubricate my dry throat. I contemplated moving my telly to the toilet because that was where I was spending the better part of my days. I mean, just because I am on the toilet for 18 out of 24 hours in the day doesn’t mean I don’t need entertainment. Work was a rumor as I would have needed that aforementioned adult diaper to make that happen, and that just wasn’t an option. I stopped taking the tea, did the running stomach from hell stop….no. I was literally losing my life down the toilet. I had to go to the hospital after realizing that things were getting out of hand and I was told that I was dangerously dehydrated and I had to be treated for the same.
And the saddest part of all of this, the few kilograms I had lost due to dehydration, multiplied by a thousand as soon as I got well.
Every time my friends asked me what happened to my plans, I told them that I had made a mind-boggling discovery – men love fat women and quickly changed the topic. I now know better than to try those things even if heaven is promised after taking them. I will choose the narrow path, prayers or sangoma.
I did something terrible this week. Yes, worse than the stupid tea that led to the diarrhea from hell. I cheated. I am hanging my head in shame, I know. I am judging myself, but I do have a good reason. You see, it all started when a friend of mine, whom I had not seen since 2003, called to tell me she was in the country and wanted us to hook up. Now tell me, how do you meet up with a long lost friend from the Diaspora and eat salad or drink water? How is one supposed to laugh and catch up with a stomach full of lettuce and cucumber? It is not possible, right? So yes, I did cheat but it was for a very good cause; friendship. I shall not be judged for putting friendship and wine before my own dietary and weight goals.
I later ate a lot of salad to affirm to my body and brain that all is well and the journey is still on.
I however won one fight and that is the temptation to stop exercising. My current exercise regime consists of brisk walking and of course squats. It is not as easy as I thought especially after a crazy day at work, and severally, my body has tried to convince me to skip walking and that the pain I experience after the squats will definitely kill me but I have refused to heed to the devil’s call. I have been here before and I know one day of rest will turn to ‘I really do not need to do this.’ I intend to incorporate more exercises in the coming week so I know I will be hearing from the devil more often.
Despite the little cheating episode, it has been an awesome week. I might still be unable to fit into my old clothes, but I feel amazing. I used to sleep long hours and would still wake up tired but now I sleep for six hours and wake up feeling really fresh. I have not used an inhaler for the past two weeks despite the chilly weather and the knee pains have reduced a great deal. You should see my skin; people cannot stop marveling at it. I can’t stop marveling at it. I am encouraged with the progress. These small steps make it worthwhile. Understanding my own impatience, I have refused to step on the weighing scale lest I get discouraged and try another shortcut but I am going harder the coming week and while at it praying for the Lord to talk sense to anyone planning to tempt His child. I will be glad if the miracle of few inches off my waistline happens too.