By Nancy Chero’
I have always thought that I am too tough and too grown for tears until the pain in my knees started. I remember shedding tears in the hospital to the point kids were asking their parents ‘kama nimedungwa shindano.’ It was pain beyond explanation; the one that totally takes your breath away. I was sent to have an MRI done because X ray and other tests did not show anything. I went to collect the results after 2 days and took it to the doctor as instructed and that is when I knew I am as weak as they come. Sitting waiting to see the doctor, all sorts of things ran through my mind. What if I will be told I have a terminal disease? What will I tell my son, parents and siblings? What had I done to deserve this? How will my funeral be like? As I asked myself these questions, I found myself totally breaking down. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably.
The doctor later said it was a panic attack. He had a look at the results and had to repeat a thousand times that it is nothing that should scare me before I completely calmed down. He went on to tell me that the results showed I had muscle tear and though severe, I would get well but I had to be totally careful and avoid engaging in anything strenuous. By the time he was prescribing the medicines, I was calm enough to ask a very important question.
“Daktari, a quick one. Sex is not strenuous, right?
“Nancy, you love your knees and want to get better, right?”
“Yes”
“Stay away from sex until you get well. We do not want you crying like today”
“Is there a style that is safe or less strenuous?”
“Nancy, go home and relax. A few days will not kill you”
You cannot blame a girl for being too hopeful. My dad has been calling me since my knees started acting up and we always pray together for me to get better. I have noticed that he has started praying for me to get a good man. I do not want a situation where his prayers will be answered only to find me not ready. Anyway, it has been 10 weeks (time does fly) since I started my journey. I have made so much progress and I am very proud of myself. The lessons I have learned are priceless. It is two weeks to my birthday, probably the reason why my dad prayers has changed, and I have a lot to celebrate. The knees might slow me down a bit but my will and determination still stands.
In the ten weeks, I have learned that I can survive without meat and junk food. I was of the idea that a meal is not complete without meat unless I wanted to stop breathing. It was one of the hardest thing for me to stop. It has been so much fun showing red meat the middle finger and getting to enjoy the other healthier delicious options. The same has been for junk food too. The joy I get every time I successfully manage to ignore the temptation is out of this world.
Sober weekends have to be the greatest discovery made this year. You wake up on a Saturday and mornings and you have no headache, you do not feel like strangling yourself, nowhere in your body hurts and you can actually remember everything that happened the previous night. It is pure bliss I tell you. How can I forget about checking my purse and smiling? I am usually very generous when high. I hate to see people not drinking so I buy alcohol for the people I am with, tip the waiters, the cleaners in the washroom, bouncers and get a heart attack the following day when I check my account balance. I am glad I can now be able to afford more handbags.
Through the years and from my journey, I have learned not to use my pain or situations I do not like to identify myself. I have learned to change what I can and to pick myself up and be positive no matter the situation. Have I been through a lot of pain and struggle but that is no excuse for being better. I have made mistakes but I have learned to forgive myself. I stopped giving stress as an excuse for my weight and the results are amazing. It does not mean that I have not been angry or asked God questions. Deciding to say “I have been raped but I choose not to be bitter” “I am fat and I choose to work on losing weight” “I have made mistakes and I choose to forgive myself” has got to be some of the best decisions I have made in my life. Crying has made things better too; my eyes are much cleaner now.
I have also discovered that my dad is willing to give me away without the man necessarily having to pay the dowry as long as he makes me happy. My dad may not want dowry but I want dowry to be paid. I will request him to take it on my behalf then hand over the amount to me (it has to be in cash). I will use the money to buy myself a new pair of shoe every time I will get my future husband ogling at another woman.
The best lesson however is the fact that this world is full of beautiful people. I have gotten so much love and support from total strangers since I started the journey. The support has made me go on especially when the lazy feeling kicks in. The advice I have received is overwhelming. Now more than ever, I have faith in humanity. My friends too are a gem. I remember one who got so mad because I was taking alcohol, another one is my official portions checker and some buy me ice cream because that is why we are friends. I am surrounded by so much love.
I have cheated a lot. Alcohol has been drunk a number of times, I have severally heeded to the calls made by junk food, portion control has been ignored a number of times but I am not about to stop; no matter how long it will take. I do not know how long it will take before my leg gets better, but I will pick myself up and continue.