You see these scars?


The only reason I’m compelled to narrate the story of how he met his first wife is because I found it somewhat enchanting. Also because Jesus was involved. He was a church youth leader back in the days of yore. A man who had aligned himself to the ways of the good Lord. He was so devout a Catholic that this one time he was picked to play Jesus in the Way Of The Cross. As he staggered with the cross on his back, a small trickle of sweat making its way down the ridge of his back, he decided to remove his spectacles because Jesus never wore spectacles and they had become bothersome on his face. Without looking, he had extended the spectacles towards the crowd that was walking to his right, and someone’s hand had reached out from the crowd and relieved him of this burden of sight. He didn’t know who took it, all he knew was that that person was part of the church congregation.

The procession ended and the crowd gathered back in church. From the pulpit the catechist made an announcement: “Will the person who took Jesus’ spectacles please bring it up here?” The crowd was mum. “Because Jesus is having a migraine.” Ha-ha. The crowd shimmered with laughter. The person who had his spectacles, it turns out, was a lady and she was too shy to go up to take the spectacles because it takes guts to go up to the pulpit during a full mass. But later, after the mass, she gave him his spectacles and he have her his heart.

That first marriage ended three years later, with one son to show for it.

It ended because of a litany of reasons; first his business nose-dived after the post-election violence, and when it was floundering on its knees the recession of 2010 finished it off. His house got auctioned. Men came and silently carried his shit away. He moved to some small digz from which to try and eke out a living. He did odd jobs but un-oddly enough they weren’t enough to sustain him and a young family, so he had to gulp his pride and move into his pal’s mom’s servants’ quarters with his tail between his legs. His wife had to move back to her folk’s house with his son. Meanwhile cracks had started forming in the marriage like a thirsty earth yearning for rain. So he he asked his wife and son to move back in that crummy servants quarter. It was tough, suffice it to say. The cracks in the marriage started getting wider and hungrier, cutting into the marriage, looking for something to swallow. She started talking at him. They started fighting. There is nothing worse that fighting in a small servants quarter because of the proximity to the other person. When rich folk in Kyuna fight, someone can stomp off and go upstairs to sit in one of the three balconies overlooking the flower garden. In a servants quarter you fight and you stay there and the two of you sit there in the festering animosity like manure. But also, that means reconciliation could be faster because you don’t have to look for someone for 30 minutes in the 23-room mansion.

One night his wife left. For a week. Phone off. Left him alone with his son. By this time things had gotten pretty nasty of course and he was increasingly feeling more desperate. When she finally came back there was a massive fight that involved her phone. Another man was involved, he discovered, not without shock. He kicked her out. Her parents came for her in the middle of the night, there was screaming in the lawn and fury and hurt and disappointment and righteousness and a crying baby.

Then came the depression and the therapist and the medication and the hopelessness of not being able to support yourself financially let alone another small person and the fight for custody and the worse fights between him and her family and the tiresome malice and revenge coursing in the blood, and him being so broke because lawyers don’t do shit for exposure.

Amazingly during this time he met a girl and she was his type (his type is curvy and big) and she came into his life during this whirlwind, a time of confusion but she had such lovely hips to cling to and shoulders to lean on and moan about how unfair life was and he figured that those lemons people that people say life hands them, this could be it, so he made a lemonade out of it in by way of marriage.

When the the courts ruled – shared custody – he was already living with this babe who was to become his wife in 2013. Then his relationship with his ex-wife improved because he says that you fight so much for this child and it’s so unhealthy and toxic so much so that at some point you realise that someone has to try kindness because everything else has failed and kindness ended up working for him because the relationship thawed enough to allow for common decency to thrive.

Then his wife got a baby. Rather they got a baby. Because that statement makes it sound like she got a baby from napping in the afternoon. They got a baby.

Here is actually where this story starts. For me at least.

The are two things that seem to have become fashionable lately; guacamole and blended families. And what is important in this story is that he one day found himself in a blended family. He had a son with the first wife and a daughter with the second wife. There was one problem though; his wife didn’t get along with his son. His wife didn’t get along with his son because his mother-in-law doesn’t like his son. She told his daughter that she didn’t want to see that son in her house. Why would mother-in-law be meddling in their affairs like that, you ask. What does it matter what the mother-in-law felt? Why can’t they just tell her to piss off? Well, she is loaded. Old money. That kind of thing. And his wife doesn’t work, so you know that thing they say about he who pays the piper calls the tune? Yep.

“What would you expect of her if you were in my shoes?” he asks me. We are seated at the Java in Karen. I’m having a lemon-poppy muffin, pinching it like you would ugali. Just shadiness. Because certain things deserve to be eaten in certain ways; you can’t eat ugali with knife and fork just like only socially maladjusted people cut an apple in four equal parts. “What would you expect if she said her mom doesn’t want your own son at her house?”

“I’d expect her to defend my son.” (I wanted to add, ‘and avenge his honour!’ for purely dramatic effect]

“Exactly,” he says.

The wife didn’t do so. In fact, she totally disengaged from his son. He noticed that she can never be in the same room with his son; if he walked in she would walk out. She never acknowledges his son. Hardly looks at him. Hardly talks to him. When she cooks, she asks him to serve his son. He’s invisible. And it hurt him. Deeply. So he spoke to her. “I told her that I would appreciate if she made an effort to be more engaging with my son, because it didn’t make me feel good seeing how their relationship was,” he says twiddling the straw of his milkshake. Meanwhile he was barely staying afloat in business, you know how it is, many balls in the air, some falling, hell, most falling.

So he started feeling like he was being squeezed into a wedge – the stress of having your wife not get along with your son and the stress of business.

The wife never really warmed up to the boy. “At some point I told her, listen this is a child, you are the adult, you have to extend yourself to him and not the other way round, but you are not. I’m willing to give you time but if this continues for much longer I don’t see how me and you can work out,’” he says.

“And so things changed after that?”

“She started making some effort, a little effort but effort all the same. But then after a while things went back to how they were.”

“How do things stand now?”

“Same. I can tell you that we won’t last.” He then adds, “Nobody ever claimed me as a child. I was never claimed.”

“What do you mean?”

The answer to that riddle ironically is right before me – on his face. He points at old marks on his face. “You see these? You see these scars on my face, this is how I grew up. I grew up in the hands of stepmothers.” His mother left them when he was three years old. She just took off. He doesn’t want to get into it because there is nothing to get into. He doesn’t know her. Yes, he knows her in terms of he knows where she lives now and he can pick up the phone and talk to her but he doesn’t know her, you know what I mean? I try to poke in there a bit because I can’t imagine someone so blasé about his mother but he is nonplussed by the whole idea of having a mother. “She has never seen my two children,” he says. “Are you bitter with her, for leaving you guys so young?” He shrugs and says, “It’s not my fault she left us. That responsibility I can’t take. It was not my work to parent myself.”

So his father raised them and he speaks highly of him, they are very good pals, but his father never knew how to raise three boys, so what did he do, he would get married to find a mother to raise the boys and this mothers were not coming to raise someone else’s kids, that’s not what they had in mind when they signed on the dotted line, so when they realised that they were backing the wrong horse, they would turn their frustration on him and his siblings. Thus the scars on his forehead.

“We suffered under the hands of stepmoms. These marks are from beatings. I would be denied food. “And so I know how it is to be mistreated by a step-mother and I don’t ever want that for my son. You understand. I don’t want him to go through what I went through.” He sucks his milkshake. “ I don’t want to turn into my father. He is on his third marriage now.”

“You are on your second, you are not too far behind.” I mumble. “Looks like you are headed that way.”

He chuckles.

“How do you think your socialisation, seeing your father try out different marriages affects you? Do you think these things have a bearing on who you are now? Ama shit just happens?”

“I think they do. I think I don’t know what to do with a wife.”

I laugh at that and write it down: I don’t know what to do with a wife. It’s a powerful line.

“No, really, I don’t. Listen, I married my wife but my wife never left her parents home. She comes from a wealthy family, she doesn’t work, she hasn’t worked since we got married, not because I’m ati rich, because I’m not, but because she gets a monthly allowance or stipend, or whatever from her father. As in every month money is wired for her for matumizi. Look, this money helps me sometimes when I’m broke and I have to borrow like we always do as husband and wife but this also means that she is still attached strongly to her family. I see it with her siblings, they just never really leave the digs and so my wife doesn’t know the value of hustling -”

“Let’s back up a bit,” I interrupt him. “I liked what you said about not being able to know what to do with a wife.”

“Yeah. I don’t. I have no references to feed from. I’m just you know, winging it and it’s not even going well.”

“You can fix it, no?”

“I fixed myself. I have never been a confident person and when you are not confident you make wrong choices, you get? I was fat, you guy. I wasn’t like this. I felt inferior because of that. I was a good 106 kgs at some point. In 2016 someone thought I was 40 when I was only 31. Our sex life at home was shit. I thought it was my fault that it was that way. So I worked on myself, I started losing weight and now I’m 82 kgs.”

“Did the sex life at home change after weight loss?”

“Actually, let me just say that for a year in 2016, when I started feeling that our sex life was terrible because of me I was at the very bottom of my self-esteem. I thought I had lost it as a guy. [“It” here is vavavoom]. I wanted validation, I wanted to know that I still had it, that I still could satisfy a woman. So I joined Tinder.”

So for a year he got chicks off Tinder and shagged them. He realised that he actually was interesting enough even with his weight to get a woman to sleep with him. And that led into him joining a gym and losing weight and when he got to the right weight and he had confirmed that indeed his “game” wasn’t bad as he had imagined, he got off Tinder. But sex at home never improved.

“What was the problem? Was she nodding off in the middle of it from boredom?”

“Ha-ha. It was just not adventurous. It was boring. If I don’t break a sweat then it’s boring sex. And so infrequent.”

“How infrequent?”

He pauses, as if counting. Then he says, “In 2017 we had sex four times.”

“What?!” I say. Four times in a year? That’s the number of times I went to the dentist last year!

“Yup. And last year I think I had sex three times.”

“Get out!” I say.

“Yeah, but it’s cool. Of course I stepped outside the marriage out of that necessity.”

“Well, I bet she did too, she has those needs too.”

“I doubt she did.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I just know.”

“Do you love her?”

“No. That’s the sad truth. The thing is the marriage has been in limbo for a while now. I don’t want it to fail because I don’t want mine to fail like other marriages, plus I don’t want to turn out like my father. I don’t want to have many marriages?”

“And what’s wrong with having many marriages? What does it say about you?”

“Look, two children with two wives, the common denominator is me, that’s what it says. It says there is something wrong with me.”

“Who is to say the maximum number of times one should be married?”

“I think getting married many times simply says you are shit at marriage.”

We turn to look at some punk honking constantly and loudly. The sound of his horn echoes in the restaurant and in my skull. We sit silently and wait for the ruckus to abate.

“Do you think you have been a good husband to her?”

“If I wasn’t I don’t think my ex-wife would want me back.”

I chuckle. “She does?”

“She acts like she does.”

I try again.

“Do you think your wife is happy in this marriage?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. Gun to my head I’d say she isn’t. Her folks have been married for 40-years and she is the only one in her family who is married. I think she wants to remain married for them. It won’t go down well if she gets divorced.”

“What’s keeping you in this marriage then?”

“Money. I don’t have it. I don’t want to carry a single thing from this house when I leave. But when I make that money, I’m out.”

I felt sad. To be honest. I told him so, I said, that’s no way to live. That’s no way to spend your life. People don’t have to be together. Nobody said so.

Ps. If you are a man – married, divorced, engaged, widowed – and you have a compelling story you want to share, please email me with a very short synopsis of that story to my private email address: [email protected]

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  1. You know the almost cliche line ‘hurt people hurt people’? I got that from this piece. Bad experiences when growing up seem to be a perfect recipe for someone who subconsciously collects broken hearts for a living. Add a bad first relationship to that and things go to shit.

    1. that could be true but then again we either choose to carry along that bad experience with us or not. I am certain most of us have gone through this kind of things because we fall as victims of circumstances; due to mistakes made by others (parents) It is up to you to learn from it or drag along with it.

      1. Nobody would choose to carry a burden so heavy, we find ourselves entangled in the mistakes of our parents.
        Every now and then the past pops up to check how badly you’re doing.
        We basically are by- products.

        1. I agree with you. I am a single parent and the most difficult part of my parenting journey has been to deal with the me in my daughter

      2. The subconcious is what rules your life. You only know what you are made of- whether you disengaged from a shitty past- by observing your life; that is, if you are lucky enough to diagnose it right. Then only can you choose to address it…and it takes time to unfuck from the fuckery you subconciously picked.

        1. The past always lingers even when efforts have been made to address the fuckery…What matter is the limits of acceptance and self reconciliation

    2. His lIfe has long gone to Hell in a handbasket and shit has hit the fan, leaving the room smelling of roses!!

    3. I believe this marriage can be salvaged. Marital counselling works. There’s a lot of assumptions when it comes to blended families. The guy has to work on himself. The woman has to work on herself. They both have to work on in their marriage and it will involve alot of openness. Bolting out ati coz your wife does not like your son… surely! Marriage is work.

      1. There’s a condition that puts to screech mode this couple. The parents with the old money. They mother in law has categorically sidelined this man’s son. He is a threat to the future. Surely he can see that! Or not. His wife, does not want to jeopardize her inheritance. She has been indoctrinated and she’s simmered in the non-family ties with this “son” of a man. They all need to sign a prenuptial agreement, otherwise that boy will suffer psychologically.

      2. Someone not liking your child is a good reason for ending a marriage. Remember that child is innocent. There is no length I would not go to defend my child.

        1. Exactly. Why would you stay or even watch your own child suffer due to your partner not wanting/loving/accepting them? He knows first hand. A child is innocent.

      3. It’s weird though that the wife agreed to marry the man knowing that he had a son from his previous relationship and not factor him into her new life. She needs to stand up and tell the mom that she signed up for it – no two ways about it.

        1. That`s the same thing that irks me. This child was not born after this marriage. Is it because of old powerful money? Clearly the wife is used to riches and the poverty this gentleman is bringing isnt something to write home about

      4. Yes, marriage is hard work. The wife needs to do that real work of accepting and acknowledging his son. This is a real serious issue, and what she is doing is how you raise children to become fucked up adults. The boy can pick up those vibes of rejection from her and if the father does not intervene now, he too will grow up to have women issues just like his daddy, courtesy of an unloving and unkind stepmother.

        However, these people would still have serious marital problems even without the son in the picture. This man’s biggest problem is his wife belongs to another man – her dad (and mom). In the long run, as it comes to life, his wife is way more messed up and dysfunctional than him. Her’s and her family’s dysfunction is just covered up by their dad’s fat wallet. His is laid plain bare by his broke behind! But, he can recover, heal, grow, become a better person and eventually learn what to do with a wife. I wish him well.

    4. Very true… Until a hurt person works on themselves first, all they will do is hurt others. Sometimes they dont even realize it….

  2. sob sob………I don’t even know what to say. That is such a sad life. You want to be married, you don’t want to move from one marriage to another. It takes away a lot of energy and re-learning someone else each time, their flaws etc….and yet nobody is privy to information about what might happen in the seemingly ‘greener pastures’ it could be a sewer…..

    This is so sad honestly….:( 🙁

  3. Sadly, the basis of a stable marriage life is the financial stability of a man. Love is no longer the denominator in the equation. Truth be told. Marriage today is defined by your ability to offer financial support in the abscence of which vagaries of life takes their sweet course. Sad story indeed.

    1. And herein lies the misconception of marriage; that a man MUST always provide..I was once told that in a marriage, one brings their 100%, not 50, not 30..

      If only we lived our truths, if only we accepted who we are, our financial, spiritual or emotional woes nkt withstanding then, only then can we be..

    2. Absolutely. I had this discussion yesterday with a female colleague and made almost exactly the same statement. For (African?) women, the motto is “No romance without finance”

    3. I like how you’re saying “marriage today” like it wasn’t like that in the past?
      Women have always been on the losing end of marriage, a system developed by patriarchy. A man marries and he comes home to a neat clean home, cooked food, folded laundry, kids put in bed etc and still complains about infrequent sex.
      On the other hand, women have to slave in the house, cook and iron your clothes, endure months of pregnancy and years of late nights for each of the kids, on top of that a cheating husband
      So, do tell, why would any sane person not want some kind of reprieve/compensation? What is the point of such a marriage for a woman if there is no money??

  4. What a sad ending yo this story. This man though, shagging tinder chics just to prove that he has the ‘ vavavoom’ on. Life though. I feel so deeply for the kids entangled in this story. Just hope all the happenings don’t get to get affected by the hullabaloo…

    1. The young boy especially. I feel like if he got back with his first wife tings would work out better than this “marriage” he is in

  5. wow! you know back “in stone age” most marriages were arranged, like predetermined, and they worked. I still think this guy’s marriage would work if they both wanted it to work. My take is to ask him to talk through it with his spouse and if need be see a counselor.

    1. I feel getting back with his first wife would work, the 2bd wife is some spoilt brat who will always run to her parents whenever they have an argument, her parents will continue being a thorn in that marriage,always manipulating all because of their old money.

      Anybody who hates on your child has no business being in your life

  6. To the dentist’s 4 times a year? You’re either a dentist addict or something is seriously wrong with your teeth and I’d rather it be the first because if one is going to be addicted to something, a dentist is a pretty good choice.

  7. Biko, I sometimes read, pause for a second and talk to you. Sometimes I be like, ‘ hahaha aki Biko’, ama ‘kwenda uko hahaha’. or ‘ you guy are so stupid funny’ hahaha.
    I really waited for today.

  8. Marriage requires a “leaving” and cleaving to this new fragile thing you try to create. It doesn’t sound like this has happened here. Biko, you are right, life is too short to spend it unhappy, the Good book says better a dish of veggies where there is love than a fattened ox with hatred…tough choices, but that is “adulting”. This series rocks. Thank you for sharing.

  9. “People don’t have to be together. Nobody said so.” I don’t know how/from where we should shout this, but we should because everyone needs to hear it. Also I’ve been secretly admiring blended families on IG until this new scoop. I thought step mothers were the new black; I thought they were like fairy godmothers!

  10. You mean one day I was going to hack first comment? Anyway I loved it. Life is funny such that the things you ran away from keeps on chasing you.

  11. You mean one day I was going to hack the first comment! Anyway I loved it. Life is funny such that the things you ran away from keeps on chasing you.

  12. Above everything, it’s the boy I feel bad for, I wish he didn’t see this happening and I wish his mom would pick him, choose him and love him

    1. hehehehehe this is the wittiest reply, the fact that he is awaiting for money is like waiting on his own return as Christ, what if money never comes, learn to walk away… is not worth it.

    2. If it wasn’t for the spectacles(hahahaha), there would have been a story alright….. but a different one hopefully.
      I would understand if he stayed in a bad marriage for the sake of the child, I mean if the wife has money and she is a good step mum but a shity wife, I would understand that kinda sacrifice! But dude is choosing money over his son! That is way sadder than his bad marriage. He should get his son out of that toxic environment! While he’s waiting to get money, his son is getting more damaged! Is it worth it? No! Not now not ever!
      My heart goes out to his son than it does to him!

  13. That is no way to live as a man. The whole notion of being unhappy is not healthy for him and the son too. When ready he should raise his children on his own. I am sad for him but things do work out

  14. He has been a catalyst to the troubled marriages. Stepping out on your wife is a conscious decision that is pre determined and prearranged. The effort wasted out there could have been used in mending the marriage. He can learn the lesson in his mistakes and make better decisions in the current marriage or next relationship. Own your choices and their consequences despite your history.

    1. I think we go wrong by fixing blame rather than issues, by focusing on who’s wrong rather than WHAT’s wrong – Yes it was wrong to step out, yes it was wrong to expend effort elsewhere, all mistakes of a human, yes it was wrong for the child to be mistreated, yes it was wrong to be shut out,… also mistakes of a human,…. difference is, focus on WHAT’s wrong, not WHO’s wrong. Its not a competition and for as long as it is viewed as such there will always be a losser – if not two or more….

  15. he needs to find himself before he goes inflicting more havoc on his kids and any other kids he might have, he’s turned out exactly like his father and he needs to own it and maybe he can get back to the utopia in his head,
    its the kids men, the kids, they’ll be fucked up like you do better , just for them ,

  16. We are children of psychology and hell, to us humans, is other people. Is there a species more imprisoned by past experiences and the views of its fellows than we hairless apes?

  17. I can’t help but judge this man! He’s in there for the money? Not even the kids.

    I feel bad for him, but worse for his wife. If he did want that relationship to work, sure feels like it would work.

  18. I can’t help but feel terrible for his wife! He’s in there for the money? Not even the kids! Sigh*

    From what i read, this relationship would work if he wanted it to.

  19. “I felt sad to be honest. I told him so, I said that’s no way to live. That’s no way to spend your life…”
    I totally agree man, byt what actually is living!?

    1. My Question too. What is living? What is happiness?Where does one derive happiness from? I am a believer of your happiness starts from within. That is the only way you can experience the joy of your surrounding. So many of us are chasing the wind in the name of happiness and we end up in the same mess or even a worse situation than before.

  20. Sad. But not much. The jamaa is now sorry to say,using the wife. Because he admits that when mullah comes,he bolts. Perfect ending. Hurt stays forever,and the more you hurt,the greater the chances of you not caring if you hurt others. I believe he can reset,do good and live alone until he finds himself. Because for his business,Jubilee govt ain’t making it easy for him. Dude has no balls.

  21. Then I am here wondering, why do people stick to people who are stuck elsewhere and ignore those who express better chances of a working union? But again, this is not as important than the thought of the mess that the son is growing up in and how terrible this may affect is view on marriage and parenting………forget the marriage, forget that money you are waiting to make to make a move, guard your son from your misery!!

  22. This is lemon in life, shit, how do you even make lemonade with this second wife, she is shit. How do you hate a baby? That was in your mans life?And sex three times in a year???? This man should just get confident and end it, no one deserves that kind of life. Probably it would have worked better with the son’s mum. Huh, bad marriages are but an early hell…

  23. It has recently hit me hard that most men are unaware that a braking system exists for safety. They just keep crashing from one marriage or commitment to the other leaving behind such carnage! To pause and consider before taking on another woman can’t be so hard, can it?

  24. Gosh, such a sad situation, he’d rather be alone than be in a place where he is not happy, it’s a call that is too difficult not to make. But he has to make that call. I will pray for him and the kids

  25. I think he still has a chance with his current wife. If she’s not getting out, even if its for the wrong reason, at least he knows shes there. Plus he’s tested & tried his game, it worked. Now just customize it to fit her. People can sense lack of commitment and it always results to them holding back too. I urge him to get in with both feet, know what to do with his wife. Be religious with your relationship as you have been with your faith.

  26. The wife mistreating his son is reason enough to bolt out of that marriage, even with the kidogo money he can live with his son away from any harm. Of course the old monied parents of wife no 2 will come guns blazing, threatening him not to dare leave their daughter, but who cares about them. That boy child’s future will be shaped by what he sees in that household.

    Run baby run.

    Consider reconciliation with wife no 1, maybe life has taught her afew lessons and she’s taken an ‘about turn’

    Guy, you don’t deserve to live like this. Go ye find thy peace and joy

  27. I believe this marriage could work, coz they both want it to. Let them talk to a counselor so they can improve on communication

  28. I hope his wife reads this and intentionally works on a relationship with that child . Not because she has to but she has the opportunity to create in that child better memories than those carried by his father . Alittle kindness never hurt anyone .
    And I hope they make conscious decisions regarding their marriage and their children – with or without old money sponsoring it .
    Plus those about to get married – premarital counseling tafadhali .

  29. interesting but i dont think the dentists would be pleased to have their cards as score boards to any encounters other than dental

  30. Yeeeees…People don’t have to be together. Nobody said so

    I just want a father like hers.One who gives you monthly stipends when you are married (ati for matumizi) and you don’t have to work ..Woow

  31. I love that he realizes that if he quits now, the third marriage will probably be shit too. I wish he could stand up for his son more than he stands for his finances/ego. He cant afford to lose his son to this cycle because of money from his in-laws. it must be tough cause he could lose the daughter too but at least he wont have damaged either child. All he needs is to be present in both kids lives in action especially emotionally.
    Before deciding to stay, going back to 1st wife or moving on to a third wife…look within and may the Lord guide you.
    I wish we could get a follow up story on this

  32. I feel sad for his relationship. This guy has to work on himself. He needs to go back to the cross that he carried. Seek wisdom. Marital counselling, therapy. He has to make it work. Ni lazima, by the way.

  33. Heh… Heh… heee…. that money will never come. Let me make you laugh. He will hit fifty years like mine and feel so stupid at how he wasted his precious time on this earth! I need to advise this guy! And he will never be in control of that money from his wife. This man should man up and face the tough issues he has in this relationship and make it work not only for himself but for his children as well. He thinks he’ll be able to swipe that tinder forever? Hell no, let him hit 45 years and realize how that thing that makes him swipe needs to be bembelezwad before it stands up. And by fifty years, it’s the kids that will keep him alive! That thing will be sleeping like a baby…

  34. He needs to soul search and find himself first. He has no clue what to do with a wife he’s had for 6 years now! He’s choosing to live miserably because…wait for it…money! He’s not even doing it for his children. It’s money.

    His childhood (mother leaving, stepmother woes) may have contributed to his confusion and hurt and his children will eventually be affected by all this.

    Work on yourself man! Even with no money you can choose your own happiness. You have 2 kids in this whole mess. They need a happy, focused dad. Do it. If only for them.

  35. Sad story…
    Money or the lack of it thereof can make folks stuck where they don’t want to be.
    I think in every situation, the well being of kids should take priority, and its good to see he’s speaking up for his son. I just hope he gets to that place where he and his family can live in harmony with each other.
    Meanwhile Bwana Biko, your three editors…have they gone on strike? Typos galore..

  36. He is doing exactly what his dad did to him. Maybe without intent but he is damaging his son under a very uncaring selfish step mum. He needs to save his son from this cycle above all!

  37. Teach a child …..he shall not depart from it. The child is manifesting in his marriage. What he saw, he learnt, he is living it. As sad as it is, and I emphathise with your situation fellow christian, there is a way out.

    Has to take conscious decision, effort and courage to choose better for yourself. Take the first step out of any marriage, get your shit together, break that cycle for yourelf, your son, daughter and your generation.

    Just wondering out loud, sex 3 times in a year, how does that work?

  38. The statement that stands out for me is he saying..”I think I don’t know what to do with a wife”. So honest. But how do happily married men learn what to do? Who teaches whom?

  39. ‘I think I don’t know what to do with a wife’……very powerful sentiments there. I also do not know what to do with a husband or marriage……that shit is a bit confusing

  40. Wonderful piece on the sad reality of most marriages….’ When you are not confident you make wrong choices. ‘ Most men have been robbed this self-esteem in relationships by women some knowingly others unknowingly.

  41. This is lemon in life, shit, how do you even make lemonade with this second wife, she is shit. How do you hate a baby? That was in your mans life?And sex three times in a year???? This man should just get confident and end it, no one deserves that kind of life. Probably it would have worked better with the son’s mum. Huh, bad marriages are but an early hell…

  42. You mean men of nowadays stay in a relationship for the money? Kids always suffer in the midst of all this and this guy should know better.

    1. Yes. Worse still is men who date women so that they can get to use their money and brag to their boys how the mama has money. #UselessLot

  43. I still don’t get this recent stories…..especially these of men in dual marriages. For these men its a story …for the women..these are horrific lifestyles they have had to tether themselves to. I appreciate Bikos stories..but I feel the recent stories are so chaunivistic….I fail to pity men that have the luxury of pitying their lives with two men that love and support them. Women have to shed so much and curve away so many emotions to avoid chaos and havoc. We learn that growing up…..molding ourselves from the moment we open our eyes.

  44. You should seek spiritual might not realise something called generational curses are following you and you need to break them.otherwise you will never be free and so will your generation.i.pray your marriage stands.

  45. In a servants quarter you fight and you stay there and the two of you sit there in the festering animosity like manure. But also, that means reconciliation could be faster because you don’t have to look for someone for 30 minutes in the 23-room mansion.

    The beauty of it all ,that eventually you have to talk in that ka small room.
    Waaaa hope he finds happiness somewhere else and not stay because of the money,hope he remembers he doesn’t have a spare life but wasting away his youthful years.
    Nice read Biko

  46. This is the saddest story I’ve heard so far and to think that most women go through the same thing; but because they don’t want to disappoint their mothers, family, the society after the “big” wedding, they ‘vumilia’ because (mwanamke ni kuvumilia). This guy should restart his life if he’s 110% sure things can’t be mended and he shouldn’t rush into another relationship until he’s sure of what he wants and he makes something of his life.

    1. so many! he should honestly get out of it and not get into another relationship for a while till things clear up. the ways he says his 1st wife kinda still wants him seems to me like he will get out of this and run straight into her arms. he should just chill for a while because this is such a heavy burden

  47. It takes genuine love and friendship to keep making love to your man when he is at the lowest (financially) . In this marriage love had nothing to do with it !

    Is it safe to say he is a gold digger if he wants to only leave when he is stable? What is a gold digger anyway?!

  48. Maybe am old-school, but i wonder how a grown up man takes money or enjoys favors from his in-laws. Its a sure way of earning disrespect from from her and her people. Women never submits to someone who borrow money from them,who feed from their palm.

  49. Every Tuesday past ten in the morning I open my mail with nostalgia. I’m never disappointed.
    The ‘poor’ guy should just hold in there, time will put everything into perspective.

  50. The relationship between the parents seems strained already. I doubt the wife feels anything warm towards husband and vice versa. Asking her to embrace the child fully when she’s not at good terms with the husband might be much.

    That man needs to man up-create a good relationship with his wife (that energy he spent with tinder dates would have been better invested in his marriage). This lady has stayed with him that long in spite of cheating, brokeness, even supporting him with handouts from her parents. She surely has a heart, and must want this relationship more than he does. Once he mans up, gets his wife back fully, supports her, the love should flow naturally.

  51. What i am learning from this series, men are courageous. They all don’t seem to mind going back. Many women i know try it once and close that chapter forever. They’d rather have Ben 10s for vavavoom but men, that is a different story.
    Also, this 2nd marriage was a mistake. She was just a shoulder to lean on. He should have just leaned on her for support as he went through his problems but never married her.
    Also, why can’t she work? And kwani parents give grown ass people allowances? Are they adopting? Wait, the mum doesn’t like adopted kids. Ni sawa. Let me just work for my allowance.

  52. Our parents before us had no choice on how their lives panned out. It was you go to school, get a job, start a family, educate the kids, retire, go to shags…end of story. Unlike us, they did not have to grapple with the issue of identity. Questions like who am I and what am I here for had no space.

    We, on the other hand, have to figure out who we are in order to get ahead. Talents, gifts, callings. And in the midst of figuring that out it becomes clear that there are emotional wounds within many of us. Wounds that have festered over the years. We are dealing with wounds that we do not know are wounds.

    Most of us are unknowingly walking around with issues from our past that are messing up our present.

  53. I agree with him that his father’s choices affected him; train a child in the way he should go and when he is old,he will not depart from it . unconscious or conscious, his father’s way of life trained him in the way he should go. It shaped his world view. He needs to take a break , unlearn (heal because he is broken ) and go a different direction . That is the way to his freedom because even if he makes the money, it will not change his mindset;he sees himself, others and the world in general. The harder he tries to fight not to be like his father, the more he is likely to become like him unless he changes his mindset. It all begins with the renewal of his mind and his heart will follow. I hope he ends up on a new path.

  54. Sad story! Marriages are cracking up soon much,the devil is ruining marriages because he knows,it’s a representation of heaven on earth!

    1. you dont get married for the sex. thats why men are changing wives like cars. you think our parents dont have boring sex or no sex at all. to be married for 40 yrs is to not make sex your first priority. marriage is boring. sex in marriage gets boring after a few years.But you stick it out coz thats the choice you made

  55. Couldn’t put any way better,!!! The kids are innocent more so the son who got rejected by his real mum and stepmom too so very sad

  56. Oh…..I just remembered something…..this guy is fucking up his first born child. I mean, who knows what the ‘wife’ does to the kid when he is not around?????????? Fucking pisses me off! In there for the money? Wait until it comes but the it will never be enough to fix the mess you are causing that innocent child!

    1. My thoughts too, this is a case of a ‘wife’ who sits at home. The boy could be going through hell. He is messing the boy’s life, just like his father messed his.

    2. SOMEONE WHO FEELS ME….My mum left us, my step mothers tesad me, that alone is reason enough why your son shouldn’t live the same path…ati you are waiting for money then you go..SAITAN

  57. Am sorry coz i don’t feel sorry for this guy 。reason being i find him rather selfish。its clear that not only women stay in marriage coz of money men do it and even perfect it better。i don’t see the reason of him fighting for his son from an environment where there is love and spend lot of chums for him to end up in an environment where love is limited and the worse part is he has a taste of it so why let your child experience the same。 sorry but it makes no sense to me。he is so self centered

  58. This is one very sad story for me. What kind of a life is this? This man needs counselling, the childhood he had maimed him and in my opinion if that is not well handled, there is going to be a third a fourth and a fifth marriage! His current wife too needs help! What kind of an adult is she? She doesnt work ati coz of allowances! So what! She must make herself useful on the face of the earth! These are people who just breath in air and occupy space for no damn reason! What kind of a marriage is that! No sex? How now?4 times a year! Both of them are cheating! The ex wife should move on…..she left for a reason so she should just keep on moving, coming back will just confuse this man even more and maybe she will find a better man! Oh and she has to look out for his son lest he turn out to be like his father!

  59. Woi! There are so many things happening here all at the same time jameni. And all of them are just so WRONG sadly. Here is my two-cents, Marriage is an institution authored by God himself. When two people decide to kick the author out, so many things fail. Just like when americans kicked God out of their schools and all hell broke loose?? #GoFigure

  60. The one thing the men have in common in all these marriage stories is how quickly they jump from one wife to the next. he should have taken time to court this woman . gradually introduce his son to her and her family. ask her ALOT about her thoughts on blended families etc. but he saw hips and an ass and he was smitten , got her knocked up married her and now shit has hit the fan.ALSO he dsnt seem clear on what he wants. he needs to figure that out.mara he does not want to be like his father and have many wives and want to work on his marriage the next thing is that its money that is keeping him with his wife. pick a lane and follow through. you cant have your cake and eat it son.and if you leave her FFS court the next woman for a while, know if you share values. dont get her pregnant!

  61. Hurt people hurt people.. That is the only way they deem fit to help them out of their misery. Again you can never pour from an empty cup.. This read is harrowing.. I hope. He finds Jesus and that they walk together to the light.. Love and light❤️❤️❤️

  62. Marriage is giving oneself completely to one’s spouse. All he cares about is himself. It’s all his point of view, his wants, his desires, his needs, his reputation. He does not know what to do with a wife because to him his wife is a tool, a means to an end. Much like how he views his stepmothers, tools his father brought home to help him raise his sons.

  63. Men,

    Fix yourself before becoming a father.

    A broken father raises broken sons.

    Broken sons become broken men.

    Broken men raise broken families.
    It is a vicious cycle.

    If you marry once and it ends, chances of the second time lasting is minimal.

  64. Marriage is giving oneself completely to one’s spouse. His marriage is all about him, his wants, his needs, his desires, his reputation. He does not know what to do with a wife because he sees her as a tool, a means to an end. Much like he sees his stepmothers, tools his father brought home to help him raise his sons.
    I daresay, I think he future is in his past … back to when he was 3, in his mother…

  65. “just like only socially maladjusted people cut an apple in four equal parts”. Well, this part hurt me. Yes, I normally cut my apples and No, I’m not stopping any time soon.

  66. This is sad. I look at it from a point of lack of authority. This guy had no authority to look up to or respect growing up. My two sense.. He needs to deal with the scars before he becomes father Abraham.

  67. This is sad. I look at it from a point of lack of authority. This guy had no authority to look up to or respect growing up. My two sense.. He needs to deal with the scars before he becomes father Abraham like my ex.

  68. Money will come the moment, he steps out. This is surely no way to live, the fact that current wife resents his son is toxic enough to bolt out. Make ammends with first wife- seems to have learnt from previous mistakes… Then you don’t have to be your dad..two marriages for you! But before everything else, you need some time out, and learn to love and enjoy your own company. Then maybe just maybe you’ll learn ‘what to do with wives.’

  69. ” I think I don’t know what to do with a wife.” the greatest predicament of a man. The society continues to insist n grade pple on marriage, this is exactly how pple are living life….sad

  70. This story has made me so sad for everyone involved most especially the poor son. For his sake they need to go their seperate ways

  71. Clearly remarriaging is not always the solution. I think he was happier with his first marriage though they were going through financial difficulties. Anyway i think he should give his first wife their son permanently to raise. The kind of hostility the second wife is showing the boy is not good for him. History does have a way of repeating itself.
    As for him its so sad to be in a marriage for financial gain. In the end its not worth it .
    Work on you and find healing then you can get into a healthy relationship.

  72. Fellas if you lose your job or your business nose dives and you find yourself in a financial limbo; you are gonna lose your woman. She may not leave the day you lose it, but the countdown has already begun.

  73. I feel sad for him too. Its definitely no way to live! Living with someone just because you want something from them and not because of love? Damn!
    You are right Biko. Its not a must people live together! I just wish people would get that. Why care if people will talk of failed marriage? They don’t live it with the couple to know what shit goes on everyday. Its time people learnt to love themselves first. Only then will they learn to love others.

  74. Dude should outshine his father, marry until you hit the right one. Ya father lived his life, don’t use him as a measure of your life.

  75. Financial captivity got in the way, he is certainly not happy and only believes money is the solution. He ought to try something different , or do business differently.
    Don’t ever approve of being with a person for status… its toxic!

  76. Stepping out is a choice. You will not be horny forever. It’s interesting that men think performance in bed is what keeps women. We are more impressed with a man is acts right and has something other than what is in his boxers to show. If your woman is not complaining about sex 4 times a year, my friend she has already left, emotionally. Marriage is not important to her and whether you’re in or out, she’s good. Women who are out don’t call for kangaroo courts to resuscitate a dead cause. Walk away.

    1. @Dorcas, it’s ludicrous, not interesting!!!! The 5, 10, 20, 30 minutes are forgotten as soon as you turn over. “It’s interesting that men think performance in bed is what keeps women.”

  77. Is it odd that the level of intellect in the comments is directly proportional to BikoZulu’s writing? Like I’ll be here reading the post, and I’ll still scroll through the comments. Just me?

  78. It’s weird how you literally saw the scars on his forehead. Anyway life is all about identity, the only way to be stable is by self-identification. You can’t fix things if you are damaged inside, because the things we hold inside define us.
    I think there’s hope, in fact I believe there’s hope, all it takes is talking to the man who carried the real cross and had no spectacles.

  79. I will not judge anybody again for having a bad marriage. This guy does what he knows. If he knew better, he would do better. If you are having a good marriage, it’s coz God in His mercies raised you in great family or you cleared you subconsciousness by God’s grace. I would suggest the guy sees a psychologist or google up the solutions – there are people who put great solutions there that work. Google has actually helped me in areas where I didn’t know better.

  80. Marriage – a leaving and a cleaving. It cannot happen, without both. Sad story, adulting is hard work, wish them the best…

  81. This situation is tricky but at the end of the day he got to rediscover himself first, good thing is that he brought back his confidence(not in a pleasing way though..)…he should fight for the right and well being of his children. Marriage isn’t for the faint hearted ….takes a lot to stay together and raise a family..

  82. I cannot judge you, though it’s important to inform you that there’s an age you will attain that some shenanigans are described as a waste of time. Stop sleeping around, it doesn’t make you more of a man.

  83. This piece is another reminder that you need to deal with yourself, your past wounds and heal from experiences that have caused you pain and deep hurts.

    I am sad that the guy is trapped in this marriage because he doesn’t want to end up like his father and he feels the lady is there for her parents.

    I am a single parent and trust me, I can’t try work out anything with a man who will not accept my child. I can’t being up a child in a hostile environment. It just can’t work. That guy has tried….

    My single people who feel the pressure to be married; let me talk to you for a minute…… Work on you, Love you, invest in you, commit to you, deal with your demons, Interrogate why you need to get married, understand what marriage is and be sure it’s something you can hack then make conscious decisions or you will end up depressed, suicidal or a divorce statistic.

    Yes marriage works but when it doesn’t, asking for help is strength. If you try and there is no headway; authenticity Is better than perfection; feel free to walk away and say to him or her ” my guy, si we meet in heaven”. ….

  84. You can’t get good at something you don’t practice. Even lying to yourself. Most men in failed relationships act like victims, I’m not implying that you are, sometimes it’s never that serious.

  85. LEAVE HER SIS. Your children need better parents. You’re teaching your son that he doesn’t matter by staying with a woman who cannot love him as a mother should or even be cordial to him. You’re showing your daughter that she is more important than her sibling because believe me, she can see the difference. Both of you are bad parents. At least you’re 10% better coz you love your children equally. Also, that money might never come. Jikaze kama mwanamme, put your foot down and leave. Coz you cannot make her love your child.

  86. The nonchalant way he admits to cheating on his wife and the overall misery of this post once again reinforces my notion that marriage may not be for everyone. The common denominator in his relationships may be him, true, but I think the marriage with all it’s expectations and attendant problems also plays a role. Not knowing what do with a wife may be a sign that maybe you don’t need a wife in your life. Maybe just do you and your kid. I mean, what do you have to lose? You’re already miserable. Being alone might be just what you need.

  87. Ok here’s what I’m learning from this ‘Men and Marriage’ series ;
    1. Marriage sucks
    2. Men ACTUALLY have feelings (who knew?!)

    Biko! the next one MUST be a ‘ happy ever after’

  88. Reading these stories has been very enlightening. These are my thoughts. A lot of us will repeat the same love patterns that our parents had despite our greatest desire to avoid them (as has become apparent through the phrase “I was avoiding becoming like my father/ mother”). Reason for this is because, we are attracted to what we are familiar with albeit it being toxic. Our parents have/ are/ will fail us at some point in our lives. Blame cannot be apportioned to them either as they only loved us the only way they knew to and with the tools that were available to them. Chances are this was passed on to them from their parents and so forth… Having this understanding can help us forgive them and understand ourselves as flawed individuals. Love pertaining to marriage calls for both partners to always put the other person ahead of themselves. What I would therefore say is this, unless you are mature enough to always be in servitude of your other half, you are not ready to get married. Doesn’t mean you can’t go into it, just means that life will have a way of challenging you and harnessing this skill will do you a lot of good. Finally and most importantly, I am convinced that the institution of marriage can only be successful if it is governed by the standards outlined in the bible, the original manual for marriage. As husband and wife it is important to constantly revisit this manual for instructions on how to navigate this journey.

  89. I couldn’t really follow this one, especially when you use ‘wife’, which one are you referring to?Maybe you should’ve used wife A did this then wife B did this…Also,are they all living together now?

  90. There are marriages that are flourishing…why not capture that.I am still waiting for the day you will post a story with a happy ending definitely not hallmark type because it doesn’t exist but something close.

  91. Am disappointed that the guy is staying in a shitty marriage for the money, that’s low. What if he doesn’t get his breakthrough soon as he hopes so that he can bolt? How much longer can he take it? Why not just end things before everyone is dragged down with him? And where is the son’s mother in all this?

  92. Divorce isn’t only isolated to a few, it’s become part of our culture. Many of us here are a product divorced parents. We are divorced, going through a divorce and will divorce.
    Marriages have failed because of many reasons, my advise is don’t get into for the wrong reasons e.g Pregnancy, pressure, money, biological clock etc. A good number of single people are happier and seemingly live longer. Get out!!

    Sometimes divorce is best for all involved.

  93. Woi… “only socially maladjusted people cut an apple in four equal parts.” How do people cut their apples? That aside, it’s sad when women treat other women’s kids as shit. I think some of us are short sighted when it comes to the future. What goes around comes around.

  94. He was in christ when the story began, my question is where did he leave Christ, because in my spiritual teachings am taught Christ is head over everything, you don’t set him aside and say am doing this marriage thing without him.

  95. For a relationship to work both parties need to play a part in making it work….clearly the guy confesses he doesn’t love the lady thats number one killer and seems like he married for the wrong reason and that way haiwes work and he will just follow his fathers footsteps which he is afraid of but that’s where he is headed.
    Na kids are the ones to suffer here which is unfair due to ignorance ……he needs a second reading of his life if he needs and desires change

  96. Matthew 19:4-6 ….For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. ”
    In marriage, the husband and wife are one flesh..4 hands become two. it doesn’t matter whether the man is not providing at a particular time in the marriage. Ladies stop the “man must provide” cliche and style up

  97. Waiting to make money then mice out. Whaaaaat
    I ask myself what if you died before making money, you would still be dead not having leaved your fullest..

  98. But later, after the mass, she gave him his spectacles and he have her his heart.

    Hey Biko, “with my little English” please have a look at that sentence. I think you meant gave, but again I could be wrong.

  99. I might not understand what the guy went through from his childhood to marriage but i pray he makes the right decision. His children should always come first as well as his happiness.