Her first kiss didn’t destabilize her center of gravity. She suddenly didn’t  feel like she wanted to lean against a wall and gather herself. Her heart skipped a beat, yes, but it didn’t gallop away with intense feelings of longing, surprise, want, ache, or any of those things you read in romance novels. And she certainly didn’t sit at a window long after that kiss, looking vacantly outside, questioning her feelings. This was mostly because it was so unexpected. 

“We were seated on the lower bunk bed  in the dormitory, saying our goodbyes after finishing our final exams in high school,” she says, “you know, crying and saying how we would miss each other, promising to stay in touch. Suddenly, without any warning, she leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. A full kiss, with tongue and all.” 

She shakes her head now, not because it was ridiculous, I suspect, but from the overwhelming nostalgia of it. She’s got short hair, neatly manicured and dyed red ochre. A Redhead. “I didn’t imagine that my first kiss was going to be from a girl,” she remarks. “I hadn’t kissed anyone before – I was 17-years old – so I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel about it or how it was supposed to make me feel. So if you ask me to remember exactly how I felt, I couldn’t tell you.

Thankfully, I’m not going to ask how it felt. But she does tell me that the memory of that kiss lingered for much longer than necessary. She had a high-school boyfriend then – one of those who signed off their letters with “Always and forever.”

When she got home, fresh in the “outside world” – as they dramatically called life after high school as if it was a vast sea with no sight of land – she told her mother that a girl had kissed her. (They had that kind of a relationship.) “My mom was like ‘How did this happen?’ I told her. She then asked me how I felt about it,” she says. “I told her I didn’t know.” A little white lie because she knew. The kiss hadn’t shifted her axis of living, yes, but why did it stay in her head like a song on a long loop?

“Don’t tell anybody about it,” her mom told her. So, she didn’t. It was her little memory. Over time she stopped processing it. She put it in a little box, labelled it “Shit that Happens to You that You Can’t Understand” then put it away in a pigeonhole. 

Two important things then happened within the year after high school that changed the course of her life. The first one was that her father died. He fell off a ladder and broke his neck while he was fixing the television aerial. The younger chaps who were born in the internet age must be asking, “What’s a television aerial?” They will never know how it was to struggle to adjust the TV aerial in the rain while you shouted to someone in the house? “And there?!” Well young-uns, a long time ago when television sets had a hump at the back, you had to raise the aerial on the roof as high as you could to catch the signal. Sometimes it would lose signal because the damn wind blew it and it changed position and was now facing Chavakali, so your screen would have grains that we would call “mchele.” Of course now mchele means something totally different. 

Anyway, her old man fell off the ladder as he was fixing the aerial. Her mother was inconsolable, completely grief-stricken. After the burial she hardly left her room. Very few things passed her lips, not food, not words. She would lie in bed the whole day, cuddling her Bible, her look faraway. 

The second thing that happened in her life was that her mother died months after her father’s passing. She died of heartbreak. She had a complete inability to find any purpose or reason to live after the love of her life passed on. She willed herself to stop breathing and follow her lover. They buried her in shags, a few paces from a big lemon tree. What is it they say you do when life gives you lemons? You get too numb even to squeeze the lemons for lemon juice. You lose sensation in all your senses. Everything that has taste, smell or feeling departs your body. 

Now an orphan, she moved in with her auntie, who was from hell, complete with a flying broom propped in a corner of the house. 

“Because of these tragedies I couldn’t join the university even though I had scored a mean grade of A-minus,” she says. By this time she had already broken up with the boyfriend who had been signing off his letters “always and forever” and gotten a more serious guy who didn’t care much for letters. “He was a fit guy who worked in a fancy gym as an instructor. He was buff and chiseled and because I was tiny, it was perfect for me. I felt safe with him, especially after having lost both my parents and was dealing with my aunt’s drama,” she remarks. “He also had an amazing sense of humour and was romantic. He would buy me cards and take me to the movies and I’d laugh at his jokes.” I don’t know why as she describes this guy the image that comes to mind is of Fresh Freddy, the Close Up advert dude. 

One day she went over for a sleepover in Fresh Freddy’s house and since he was always fresh and had a big honest grin, he lit one candle in the bedroom, the type that smells of Blueberry scones and told her that it “wasn’t going to hurt at all.” She was twenty. Then he popped her cherry. She laughs. “I don’t even know why humans say that – pop her cherry.”

“How was it having your cherry popped?” 

She shrugs. “Mills and Boon lied. It wasn’t exactly magical.” 

Eventually she moved in with him. It was an easy decision given the kind of stressful and unhealthy environment in her aunt’s household. Also, he was much older – seven years older –  looked great, made her laugh, was kind and he felt woishe for her. “I considered marrying him. I met his family and all that.” But she didn’t and her reason was because of something that might look inconsequential. One time she was sitting in the living room with him and his friend, who mentioned that she was very intelligent. “He sniggered at that statement. He undermined me. I felt immediately that I couldn’t deal with someone like that. It showed how he felt about me, less!” she says. “I think he might have felt threatened by me because I had scored A-minus in high school and he was a gym instructor. He wanted me to remain at his behest. So from that day I started making plans to leave him. I couldn’t, however, leave him immediately because where would I go?”

Some friend of her mom had invited her to join her in Diani because there were opportunities there given that tourism was booming. One day she bought a one-way ticket to Diani and broke up with Fresh Freddy. In Diani, she got a job as a cleaner in some posh villas that overlooked the ocean. The compound had massive palm trees and green lawns, ponds, small bridges, a sauna, swimming pools and a small stretch of beach. It was mostly frequented by wealthy Europeans – Germans predominantly –  and sometimes there would be the odd Nairobi types with money, renting whole villas (it was expensive in those days) and spending days drinking champagne with ballsy broads who walked around without underwear. Her job description was to clean the rooms, change the bedding, dust, do laundry, all this for five hundred shillings a villa. If she was fast she could clean all the five villas in a day. She was invisible to the guests, the shadow in uniform walking against the walls. Even though she was doing this job and it was paying her bills she knew that she deserved better. 

One day an old Italian man who did nothing but lie on a pool-bed all day until he turned the colour of creme brulee called her while she was pushing a cart full of clothes by the edge of the pool area. He said, “Your English veeery good.” She stood there smiling and squinting in the sun. “You come work for me, I pay you good.” he continued. “My hotel. Yes?” She said yes. So she got a job at front office in his boutique hotel. “Money was better and now I didn’t have to clean up after anybody.” 

While she picked calls she went to school part time and did a diploma in front office administration. Her job was not as intellectually stimulating as she would have wanted because, see, she is very cerebral, but her days were filled with taking calls and saying, “Of course, Mr Josef, I will have someone from housekeeping come over right away and show you how to turn on the water kettle.” Or, “Uhm, Mr Karani, uhm, there is a lady here at the main desk saying she is Mrs Karani…I’m sorry, sir…she’s light and has dimples …never heard of her?…Oh, I’m sorry to hear of your wife’s demise…..certainly sir, sorry to bother you.” 

One day she was at the front desk, looking busy on the computers as they normally do in hotels, when in truth she was actually on Facebook, poking friends and waving at them. Facebook suggested that she might know Cheryl because they had five friends in common. Cheryl was the same girl who had kissed her. She hadn’t talked to Cheryl for seven years now after high school and suddenly Facebook was urging her to be friends with her. Suddenly the memory of the kiss came to her so freshly she could taste her lips. The pigeonhole had suddenly flung open and that file she had saved as “Shit that Happens to You that You Can’t Understand” was suddenly before her, urging to be revisited. “It was as if time had swiftly gone back,” she says. 

So she sent a friend request. “Two days later she accepted my friend request and suddenly in between fielding inquiries from guests, we were chatting constantly. I learnt that she had completed her training as a special needs teacher and was now working for a special school.”

“Describe her for me,” I say. 

“Tall. Strikingly tall. Curvaceous. Very beautiful,” she says. She went to her pictures and scrolled through them. Time had been kind to her. “Next time you are in Nairobi, we should hook up,” Cheryl told her. She said she was due to travel to her shags and so she would let her know. Three weeks later she – and a bottle of water – sat waiting for Cheryl at Trattoria. 

“Were you nervous?” I ask.

“I wasn’t nervous. I was looking forward to seeing her again after so long,” she says. “I guess I was curious.” Cheryl eventually walked in; still tall, long legs eating up the room as she walked towards her. She had lost some weight since the last time they saw each other due to some health complications, but she still looked striking. They hugged and she took in a lungful of her hair. When they broke the embrace and held each other at a distance Redhead said, “You haven’t changed much.” Then, while still holding each other, she said, “Well, you are kind, but I’m much older now.” 

They chatted the whole afternoon with her bag at the foot of the table. She learnt that Cheryl had adopted a daughter and she was now living with. She loved her job.  In the evening they went to her place where they freshened up and went to a local pub to have drinks. They had cold beers sitting in a corner of the pub, under a big screen television. They sat close together, laughing and giggling over the roar of a football match that was going on, after which they went back home. 

“There was some chemistry between us, it became apparent,” she says. “Seeing her rekindled something in me that I thought was never there. Something that was deeply familiar but also strange at the same time. Well, maybe strange isn’t the word to use…” She twists her face, thinking. “It’s like listening to a song for the first time and thinking, this song is very familiar!” 

Like deja vu of sorts. 

Although nothing happened that night, on her way back to Diani the next day she was taken back to the past. “I thought about that kiss again, but in a broader context. I wondered why it happened. Why did I not get offended? Or repulsed? Why didn’t I react to it? What did it mean?” She pondered over this throughout the journey to Diani and for days after that. “When we chatted I asked her about it and she said she was attracted to me, that seeing me rekindled something in her. The funny thing is that without thinking about it, I blurted out that I was attracted to her as well.” 

Uttering those words was in itself a point of departure. We wouldn’t call it freedom because we are not dramatic, but it was a definitive point in this story; the acceptance. “But that’s not when I knew for sure I was a lesbian,” she says. “I knew I was a lesbian when I first got intimate with her.”

“What happened for you to be sure?” I ask. 

“It was different. It came naturally,” she says. “I didn’t struggle with the physical intimacy.” 

“Is being a lesbian something that was always there lying inert, a part of you, or was it something about your socialisation or your environment?” 

“I believe it has always been there,” she says. “Always underlying. What I needed was a catalyst.”

They started this long distance relationship where after every two months or so she would take the bus from Diani and come to Nairobi. They were girlfriend and girlfriend. One time when she was visiting, a man walked into the house while she was chilling with her girlfriend’s cousins in the living room. There is a way a guy can walk into a lady’s house that will leave no doubts as to who he is to the lady of the house. It’s how he keeps rearranging the room with his presence. It’s subliminal. 

“Later I asked her who that was and she said, he was a guy who liked her.” She says. 

“You were jealous.” 

“No, it’s a free country,” she says. She likes to say that, and that wasn’t the last time she would use that phrase during the interview- it’s a free country. 

Anyway, a few months later she visited again. That evening she sat on her bed watching Cheryl take off her work clothes. She was shocked to see that her body had changed so she asked, “Sweetheart, are you pregnant?!” 


“Pregnant,” she repeated, “are you pregnant?!”

Cheryl put her hands on her belly and nodded morosely. 

“Are you serious?!”

“It just happened!” Cheryl squelled, as if to imply that she stubbed her toe.

“It just happened? How did it just happen?” She stood up. “ Things like this don’t just happen. Is it that guy I saw here last time?” 

“What guy?”

“The guy! The guy who came looking for you the last time I was here. The one with the big shoes?”

Cheryl sat down on the bed and sighed. 

“I was heartbroken!” she tells me. 

“Why?” I ask. 

“Because she never saw the need to tell me that she was pregnant. I had to find out like this,” she says. “I wasn’t a fool. I knew that she had society to think about, the expectations. If she wanted to settle down, she ought to have told me. I mean, I was clear that I didn’t want marriage or children because if I died, who would take care of my kids? I didn’t have parents. But her? She wasn’t honest.”

She left the next morning. Cheryl called her dramatic. “She was nasty, saying I couldn’t give her what she wanted. It wasn’t pleasant. So I went back to Diani with a broken heart.” Months later she heard Cheryl gave birth and she went to see the baby. But by this time the relationship was on the ropes. So she decided to hell with it and started dating a married man. For six years. 

“I was fast approaching my late twenties, that age where when I would go to shags my relatives would pester me about when I’m settling down. Having a man helped, because they could see I was making progress in that department,” she says. “I realise that what I was really doing is use him to cover a wound.” 

“So what happens to your sexual orientation when you are dating a man? Is it something that you just switch on and off?” I ask. 

“I didn’t want to deal with it, I guess, so I put it in a box.”

“It’s something you can just package and store away?”

“Back then I could,” she says. “I was young and I think it’s easier when you are younger but the older you get the harder it is to run away from who you are.”

“How was the sex generally with a man?”

“There were good days and bad days, but overall it was clear that this wasn’t my kind of thing,” she says. “You must be attracted for intimacy to be complete.”

“And you weren’t.”

“No. He looked good, especially in a suit.” She chuckles. “Very easy on the eye and charming. But I faked it many times.”

“Faked what?”

“The whole thing, the orgasms, the satisfaction. I faked that I was into it.”

When they finally broke up, disappointed, she vowed to focus on herself. She changed towns, running away from the ghosts of her past. She came to Nairobi and started pursuing her love for cooking by apprenticing as a chef. “I cut my hair as a sign of new beginnings. I started writing and cooking. I put my all in it,” she says. “I’m a staunch christian, so I delved deeper into ministry. I was teaching Sunday school children. I enjoyed working with children. I then started a catering business and it started blossoming.”

“Did you go on dates during this time, with men?”

“I did. I went for meals with men. I made it clear to them that I wasn’t looking to date,” she says. “And I was clear with myself that if I was to date again, I would date a woman.”

“Did you find that working in church, teaching Sunday school, conflicted with your sexuality?”

“How do I answer this?” She pauses. “I know my relationship with God. I know what the Bible says. But I also know this is not a disease you can cure. I’m being true to who I am. I don’t get into Biblical arguments about it because I know what the Bible says.”

Months dropped off the calendar. She was running a small catering business, delivering food to offices and running a small spoon in an office building in Upperhill. 

One morning in July, her friend who sells handbags calls and says she has some handbags she wants to show her. She tells her to come in the afternoon when she isn’t too busy. “She shows up at 4pm with this girl, a petite girl with dreadlocks.” She was like whoa! “She looked beautiful. Soon we were talking and texting.” Then they met a couple of times. She was much younger than her. (She’s now in her mid-thirties, while the dreadlocked girl is in her mid-twenties). 

“One day as I was saying bye to her, I held her hand for a little longer and felt this electricity going through me,” she says with a shiver.

“Was that love?”

“I don’t know. But what I know is I couldn’t ignore it.” She laughs. “She had great taste in music and I love good music. She was perfect.” 

“How were you sure that she was a lesbian at the beginning? Can I refer to you as a lesbian? Is that appropriate terminology?”

“Yes. I’m a lesbian.”

“So, yeah, how sure were you that she was also a lesbian? Did she give off a vibe?” I ask. 

“I sort of knew because my friend is bi or curious. My friend also mentioned that she – the dreadlocked girl – was having something with another girl,” she says. “But I wanted to be with her, so after hanging out a few times, I told her that I liked her and that I wanted us to have something serious.” 

After a while deadlocked girl ended it with the other girl and they started dating. A few months later – early this year – they moved in together as girlfriend and girlfriend. They live on the second floor of a one-bedroom apartment with cream walls. When you open the window you can see roofs and hills on the horizon. Theirs is like any other home – except nobody leaves the toilet seat up. They share duties. They read in bed at night. They take turns to take out the trash on Saturdays. Since she’s good at cooking- and actually enjoys it, she cooks while dreadlocked girl sits on the counter, legs dangling, scrolling through her social media feeds, or reading something out loud to her. They fight. They kiss when they come from work. They pray before a meal. They tell each other if someone will be home late. They are huggers, so it’s not uncommon for them to hug each other for no reason. Well, there is a reason – life is short. 

“What do you like most about her?” I ask her. 

“She isn’t into superficial talk. I can’t stand small talk. I also don’t think I would have been attracted to her if she was a tomboy. Some lesbians like a girl who’s manly, but it’s not my thing. I love a girl who is girly,” she says. “I love it when we both go to the salon or spend the weekends indoors painting our nails and talking about nothing and everything.” 

“Does this mean you have come out?” I ask her. 

“Come out?” She resists the urge to roll her eyes. “Not in the textbook way, I haven’t. It’s our private life, so I don’t think I need to ‘come out.’” She scratches the air in quotes. “I don’t think anybody should wear their sexual orientations on their foreheads. We are just living our lives.”

“Do the neighbours know you are a couple? Do you guys exhibit PDA, holding hands and things?”

“The neighbours think we are sisters.” She chuckles. “A few friends know about us, otherwise for the most part nobody thinks anything of it. Sometimes I will call her ‘babe’ in public but then nobody thinks much of it because it’s not uncommon for women to call each other sweet names.”

I wonder what the plan is. Where does this road lead?  “The plan is to enjoy ourselves and this moment. Because of the law we are never going to make it official, but marriage is something we look at differently, as a formality.” 

But then there is the question of children. “I have to be realistic, because she’s 26 and I’m 36. She might want children even though I’m not keen on it. But I’m open to adoption.”

“What if one day she tells you that she wants to have children, but in a natural way?”

“It’s a free country,” she says. “I’m lucky that I don’t have pressure to get anybody grandchildren, but I’m aware that for her its different.” 

I ask her if they experience the same challenges that heterosexuals who live together face. You know, someone who leaves clothes all over the place, or who doesn’t like to draw the curtains, or who comes home late, drunk, singing a terrible song, or who uses the last of toilet paper and doesn’t dispose the cusk. 

“What do you ladies fight about often?”

“Well, she’s a major procrastinator, her sense of urgency is zero. I have obsessive compulsive  disorder so I want my things in a certain order and condition. She is the messy type who needs cleaning up after. She wakes up and prefers to watch TV rather than doing chores. So while I’m dusting and cleaning she’s watching something on Youtube,” she says. “She also loves loud music. I don’t. I like to budget but she likes to spend and let tomorrow take care of itself. Being younger than me she sometimes wants to go out which is okay, but that’s not my scene anymore.”

“You have dated and lived with men, now you are dating and living with a woman,” I say. “What is the marked difference in the two?” 

“Women get certain nuances that men just can’t,” she says.

“Like what? Give me an example.” 

“Like she just knows when I say certain things,” she says. “For instance, when I say “fine” she will know what kind of fine I mean.”

“How many kinds of fine are there, kwani?”

“The first ‘fine’ is when say you were to go somewhere and you go home late and you say, ‘I’m sorry babe, I got caught up’ and she says, ‘its fine.’ There is a fine for ‘I don’t want to talk about this just leave me alone’ then there is the very bad fine and there is the fine for really, it’s fine.” 

I’m confused. But then again, I’m a man, we live in the endless female corridors of confusion. 

Their domesticity is working just fine. She’s happy. Very happy, she says. She’s controlling what’s in her control to control and leaving the rest to the forces that own that control. She says this will work as long as there is “willingness on both parties to make it work.” But she’s clear about many things, but what she wants to come out strong is that she’s more than just her sexuality. “Nobody walks around with their bedrooms.” 



The registration of the Creative Writing Masterclass is open. Tentative dates are 4th to 6th September. To register please email [email protected] 


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    1. Am sorry , where did you get this information from? I believe that everybody can love as they choose and this is indeed a beautiful story ❤️ but am a woman who is not bi and I know I speak for many .

      1. You are speaking for me too. In fact, am joining you on the podium. And we need a loud speaker and several microphones.

    2. I respect everyone’s right to love who they love. But this is a very blanket statement. Generalizations are dangerous.

    3. People read ladies will give you stick for that comment but I feel you. Females are like spaghetti, straight and stiff until they get hot and wet………………………..

  1. Whao!
    She’s controlling what’s in her control to control and leaving the rest to the forces that own that control.
    We should all live by this.

  2. No body walks around with their bedrooms. Well said. Lakini yenyewe these women and marriage things are boring. The boychild ones were off the hook.

    1. I agree with you. I think that society has made it easier for men to do bold things in marriage/life compared to women who need balls of steel to do anything slightly unacceptable.

  3. “…Oh, I’m sorry to hear of your wife’s demise…..certainly sir, sorry to bother you.” Hilarious!

    Now let’s transition to the question over whether homosexual desires are merely temptations, or whether same-sex attraction itself, as an orientation, is sinful. I think it’s rather easy to agree that a heterosexual man who commits adultery with a woman has sinned — they both have. We get that. A homosexual man, acting on that impulse with another man, has sinned — they both have.

    Moving back one step, to the level of desire, a heterosexual man desiring to commit adultery with a particular woman is sinning. A homosexual man desiring sex with one particular man is sinning. Okay.

    But then when you work this back one more level, to what is commonly called “orientation,” then the heterosexual man who is attracted to women generally is not sinning, but a homosexual man attracted to men generally remains in a state of sin. Or does he? That’s the debate among Christians. How do you process this debate at orientation level? Food for thought.

    As for the couple, provided they are happy, let them continue enjoying and appreciating each other. It’s a free country!

  4. Whomever you have your first kiss with or pleasurable moment tends to be the orientation you will follow. It’s like having a fresh canvas and you get to draw the first stroke… and that sets the feel of the painting…but love is love…

  5. Your posts are the highlight of my week! Haven’t been receiving the email notifications for about 5 weeks now. What happened, chocolate man?

  6. Your writing is in another level superb . If she is happy let her be and control what’s in her domain to control. All in all its a free world where everyone believes what they want and the bottom line is happiness which is definitely relative.

  7. Forgive me, Biko! I have always had a warped contextualization of homotionships…like who’s the male/female persona in them. Like afore, do forgive me.

      1. When in a stud-femme relationship there’s definitely a top and bottom….in a femme-femme relationship they can both be top or bottom etc…

  8. This reminds me of a book, ‘Under the Udala tree’ by Chinelo Okparanta. It’s pleasant to read, just like this piece.

    1. Ohh Angie – you can say that again – it was such a beautiful read – she took too long to finally accept herself.

      1. I have found someone with my interests! I have done a happy jig.
        Sooo… do you have any african literature we can exchange? We should probably exchange email addresses.

    1. There’s no outbreak…people are just becoming bolder and not afraid to talk about it like I’m the recent past.
      ‘Nobody walks around with their bedrooms’ so spot on

    2. Oh so true… especially with ladies born after ’95. It’s an awakening of sort. I interviewed one and she said her parents would kill her if she got pg so she opted to experiment a different safer release.

  9. Whoa…I love the honesty.

    Nothing else to say except this very cheesy ‘unrelated-to-the-story’ joke.
    “So you like men and women, but you’re still single???
    I guess you’re bi-yo-self!”
    pwahahaha…*laugh emoji*

  10. Beautifully written, Biko. You remain a master with words. As for the story, I guess in the end, we remain answerable only to our maker. The rest of us just wish each other all the best.

  11. its a free country.the mom saw it first but advised silence.i wonder we are developing fast and
    very soon we shall have these freed coupled adopting children.i cant wait to see how biko would show us how these kids talk to the other “still in the closet”children.i suppose mother/father would be from era gone by

    1. men get six months of exclusivity. Three weeks into women and marriage, men ask for the “man’s perspective”

  12. Goes to show being gay is an acquired trait. No one is born gay. Nature demands man & woman, not same sex. We know there are temptations to always reach for the unknown.

    If you are tempted to steal, do you now say you are a thief? Nope. What will make you a thief is your choice to actually go on and steal.

    Being gay is a choice. And choices have consequences, be they good or bad.

  13. One day a few moons ago, a friend of mine texted me.. “You just know it when you see your tribe” in reference to knowing if the other girl you meet in church or club is lesbian. She added, “It is always there, even though you may run away from it. Be certain that it will catch up with you someday.”

    N/B: For any bi-curious lady reading this, stop taking advantage of lesbians and bisexuals to satisfy your curiosity

    Thanks Biko for sharing this.

  14. ”She’s controlling what’s in her control to control and leaving the rest to the forces that own that control”
    Living life personally-This Life

  15. her mother was also confused with her confession about the kiss and din’t know what to tell her at that particular moment which i also think could have contributed to her current bedroom issues. its tough sometimes to be a parent when you don’t have answers my prayer may i have the right answers for my children should they come to me with a situation that is as complex.

  16. Biko,

    when is the BOSS LADY giving us her side of the story?
    This mills and boon kind of set up isnt my cup of tea.
    lets have some meat off the Bone kind of Story..

  17. When I joined campus we had a sort of seminar during orientation week. We watched the movie 3 idiots which was to motivate us to follow our dreams and let success chase us. Anyway, there was this crew that came to talk to us about life and many other things we would go through with our new found freedom from high school. One guy asked us this, ‘Is sexual orientation a choice or are you born with it?’ Being from a Christian background, Adventist especially, I’d been taught it was a sin and since it is a sin, my thinking was it was a choice.

    That question provoked many thoughts in my head and I questioned, ‘ Who would chose to be gay or lesbian considering all the shit society would throw at them?’ Why would anyone in their right mind, choose this very hard life when they could be with someone of the opposite sex?

    I have since come to change my thinking. I’m still a Christian and I believe in God. I also believe that sometimes, you cannot chose who you love.

    1. Interesting. I have asked my self that same exact question. I did not choose to be attracted to boys, so why should I think that lesbians and gay people do it by choice? One wonders though – if it is nature and not nurture – why it is more prevalent now than in the past?

  18. Who else thinks that sexual orientation such as lesbianism is a choice like choosing to smoke or drink.. How can someone claim to be born with it in them??
    It confuses me.
    Anyway to each their own.

    1. I disagree with the view that sexual orientation is something you choose. If you live in a world where homophobia is real, and can even result in you being lynched or burned alive (happened in Mombasa a while back), then I don’t think you will willingly choose to be “gay”. And given the fact that this country is conservative, I can only imagine the sort of stigmatization one would be subject to if they came out. These are valid arguments against “people choose to be gay”. Hell, if you never at any one point in life were given the choice to be straight or gay, then I think it would be prudent to keep such opinions to ones self. I feel very strongly against such opinions, as they are the root of homophobia essentially. “They are different.” “They had a choice and chose wrongly.” And one thing leads to another and suddenly its not so shocking for you to hear that someone was defenestrated simply for loving someone of the same gender.

  19. Wow…I am glad that in a country where homophobia is real and seen as evil and no one wants to talk about, Biko you wrote about it.I am glad you wrote about it. In a country where being gay is a crime punishable by being locked in jail,some people still dare to be true to themselves .I am straight but I believe being attracted to same sex must come as naturally as being attracted to opposite sex.

  20. Nobody walks around with their bedrooms….
    Its an equivalent of whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas stays in Vegas.
    Even a whore never walks with a bed tied to her back to indicate that she is one unlike these musicians of nowadays who flung an acoustic guitar on their backs wherever they go…

    What am I even saying??

  21. Wow!! I loved this piece!!! Thanks Biko for listening to our cries.
    Love is love.. glad people are free to follow their hearts.

  22. This series is soo boring
    Men and marriage was even better, i thought women
    Have drama in their lives, turns out men outdo them!

  23. “I’m confused. But then again, I’m a man, we live in the endless female corridors of confusion.” Hahahahahaah ain’t this the truth.

  24. The many bi’s and Les I’ve known and read about, parenting seems to play a major role in such relationships. Ama namna gani?

  25. This is actually a much more refreshing take on the LGBTQ community in Kenya. Its sad she has to live in secret though, though I get the feel that that doesn’t bother her at all. In the very end, I agree, its a free country.

  26. Well, I love reading Biko’s articles. They are interesting, splendiferous and awakening. Just wondering are we diluting the holy book commands and camouflaging to what fits us, satisfying our flesh and feelings. Given that the protagonist knew/knows what the word says and still goes ahead to do contrary. Ain’t preaching y’all and ain’t rooting for this either. Have a good one!

  27. Oops like oh dear..we don’t walk around with our for thought.interesting women and marriage .

  28. A woman who knows what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it. At the end of the day, she’s happy. And that’s all that really matters.
    Lovely piece Biko.

  29. “It’s a free country”….. But a gain, the pain people go through in life can push someone to the extremes of life. I wish her well in life.

  30. The toilet seats up? the “FINE PART” and because we are just men,…… left me in stitches. The title summed it up all. I’m looking forward for your writitng masterclasses.

  31. First of all, am straight like an arrow….. However,
    being an African I can state that there has been so much grey area to someone’s sexual orientation….
    I think it’s a free nation, everyone has their own preferences… If she’s happy, that what counts…. I wish her all the best……

    Go for what you love not what the society thinks of you… It’s your life girl

  32. Informative as always. I have always wondered how the above works. Been coming here since 2013. Was the silent type that reads and leaves. I decided to start talking.

  33. Waoh. Beautiful story. They are happy, live and let live. I see I am not the only one missing the email notifications! why now?

  34. First of all, amen to not having to behave like a Tom boy or show everyone that you a gay.
    Secondly, may she forever be this happy.
    This is a beautiful story

  35. True. No one walk around with sexuality on his/her forehead. Btw, I think it’s weird to demonise homosexuality. Religious people should not be so mad at them rather then blame it God weird creation.

    1. Haha God made a man to be with a woman, and blessed them. So whatever is going on now is just from man’s sinful thoughts. He created us perfect, but we decided to choose the imperfect path.
      If you look at it, its all logical: you dont couple a bolt with another bolt; rather for a bolt to fulfil its putpose, it will need a nut. Same for a USB plug (male), it requires the USB port (female) to work.

      1. That bolts and nuts analogy would be relevant in engineering school. We are talking about human relationships here, not automotive mechanics.

  36. Biko, you have done justice to this story…..

    I read with lots of heartache that a Curvaceous and Very Beautiful girl could trend this path….and celebrated for the lucky dude who impregnated her….I hope some other dude get lucky to deposit his seeds in the petite girl with dreadlocks. … by one, I hope we’ll get all lesbians pregnant, and a shout a loud hoooooooooray with each fallen one, especially the beautiful ones.

    From a homophobic viewpoint: If ““Nobody walks around with their bedrooms”, why are these gays and lesbians always holding demos the world over seeking for our attention???

  37. It is all in the mind. “As a man thinketh, so is he”.
    God did not create anyone bi, or homo. But rather, it is the adoption of culture that we new not several years before. Unless anyone points to me of anything like that being present in the time of our ancestors.

  38. She lacked direction in her life. Her loss of her parents, especially that of her father, shifted her whole life into a very different direction. I can tell he really was the pillar of her family. How could someone with an A- end up cleaning houses. If she happens to read my comment, I’d like to tell her that she has made wrong choices in her life but it’s not her fault. like going after married men and being a lesbian. I pray she find direction. Being confused at 36 is not acceptable. at 22 it’s fine. But going 40, issa NO.
    I am a millennial and much younger than her. We can be conservative too.

      1. Thank you for pointing me to another story of a confused soul. That is how I am categorising them. Confused.
        It’s all love though.
        But this is the good news, this can be changed. You have the power to change your mind and your thoughts. It’s never too late.

  39. To each their own. You have one life and get to live once, be true to yourself. I am happy for you and hope life aligns happiness and love for you. Being married to a woman myself, I feel you and wish you all the best.
    Thanks Biko for sharing this

  40. “Theirs is like any other home – except nobody leaves the toilet seat up. They share duties. They read in bed at night. They take turns to take out the trash on Saturdays. Since she’s good at cooking- and actually enjoys it, she cooks while dread-locked girl sits on the counter, legs dangling, scrolling through her social media feeds, or reading something out loud to her. They fight. They kiss when they come from work. They pray before a meal. They tell each other if someone will be home late”
    Very important to recognize that relationships even among gay and lesbians are just that, relationships and much more than the sexual act, just the way heterosexual relationships should not be defined by the single act, they transcend them…

  41. “I don’t think anybody should wear their sexual orientations on their foreheads. We are just living our lives.”
    This statement is a WINNNNNNNNNN!

  42. I unsubscribed from your great blog by mistake. Is it possible for you to have the are you sure you want to unsubscribe question. Please get me back on board.

  43. Awesome read as always.

    But I feel that this “women and marriage” series lacks the juice that we enjoyed in the men&marriage series. Could we consider season two of men and marriage?

  44. Felt sooo much warmth reading this.U cant enclose pple in wat u blv.let pple open their wings and just away to happiness

  45. Bis are quite something..Won’t delve into that but nice piece,good that many are free to love and like what they fancy..

  46. a suker for love.i wish they make it.
    2. A lesbian rship is like my perfect rship if only i didnt love men
    3.Biko how can you be married for all those years and not now the kinds of FINE there

  47. With all the nicely articulated English I still find it sad.
    Nice flow and good English but issano!
    Praying that the eyes of our understanding be opened that we may see that which was created as it is.
    Sex and intimacy is best shared in the contest of male and female but after all is said and done, may God help us.

    This is why God lifted off his restraining hand and let them have full expression of their sinful and shameful desires. They were given over to moral depravity, dishonoring their bodies by sexual perversion among themselves— all because they traded the truth of God for a lie.They worshiped and served the things God made rather than the God who made all things—glory and praises to him for eternity of eternities! Amen!

    For this reason God gave them over to their own disgraceful and vile passions. Enflamed with lust for one another, men and women ignored the natural order and exchanged normal sexual relations for homosexuality. Women engaged in lesbian conduct, and men committed shameful acts with men,[an] receiving in themselves the due penalty for their deviation.

  48. Interesting. Most people fear coming out because they do not want to hurt the people they care about, like parents. Anyway, not walking around with your bedroom on your forehead is also a solid reason.

    I feel like the story is lacking something though.

  49. keep going Biko, am loving this..its never bee easy writing about the ”he” while am a ”she”….

  50. I’d love to hear her speaking with the man from “this forest” to hear what they had to say about their beliefs and differences

  51. Wonderful piece. I’m left to ponder though, does society really care about our sexual orientation or are we just deflecting from the real truths? Misery loves company.

  52. “She’s controlling what’s in her control to control and leaving the rest to the forces that own that control.” I wanna live by this. Que Sera Sera

  53. I accept to be called back word,retrogressive or “the strongest term possible”you may wish.but one thing I always ask my self is why-all the religious books and faiths,all cultures and traditions I know of and the natural law of nature don’t agree with homosexuality?All these could not have had a meeting and agreed to conspire against the same.with that in mind am convinced homosexuality is a deficiency brought about by miss direction as the lady concurs that at some point things happened that changed her direction.

  54. if its a relationship she can’t freely talk about in public, then it is not something she should be proud of.

  55. Hallelujah. I got an email notification. Finally Biko has decided to start his marriage and women series.
    Only lo and behold he has been posting faithfully every week. Lucky me I have 4 other blogs to read after I finish this one. Who said mwafrika harudi nyuma, not me.

    I will not even ask why the notifications were not coming through, I’m just happy you are still posting. Now let me go back and read what this Redhead is all about.

  56. Nice read. But dating a chick who is not into men for six years?! Man, sometimes the odds are really stuck against us!

  57. This part is the climax weuh !
    One day as I was saying bye to her, I held her hand for a little longer and felt this electricity going through me,” she says with a shiver

  58. I love that she’s being her and not ready to let society label her…” Nobody walks around with their bedrooms”. I really loved this article

  59. Love and let love,I say!! I’m definitely not bi and we have no reason to wear our bedroom as a shirt…

  60. The wind blows where it wills…each bird to it’s favorite tree…I loved the fact that she finally found her space in love.

  61. Am glad that she’s content with herself first… The fact that she loves the Bible is Awesome. The debate is a tricky one but my thoughts… God created all of us, our orientation does not matter as long as you love and live according to His Word.

    Ayam happy for Her… Be Yourself ❤️❤️