They shot Boniface Mwangi’s breast with a teargas canister. I can’t imagine anyone shooting my breast with anything, let alone a teargas canister. It must be mad painful. Anyway, he called me and said, “I see your website is still down. The guys who handle my websites want to help your IT guy bring it up. They are old hands at this. And they want to do it pro-bono. The guy that runs the company is called Felix Mbugua, solid guy. He runs a company Legibra [ https://legibra.com/]. Shall I give him your number?”
I said, “Sawa, give him.” Then he hang up before I could ask how his breast was doing. How, on a pain scale of 1 to 10, it feels to get shot in the breast. I wanted to ask him if he thinks his nipples will ever regain their full sensitivity. Or if he will have a scar the shape of Asia.
I said, “Shucks, now I have to find a way of talking to Jose, the IT guy, without making him feel like I have lost confidence in him.” Because you know how these millennial IT guys are, so sensitive. So egg-shelly. I didn’t want a conversation that goes like this.
“Jose, I’m getting in some chaps to help with the website. I hope you are cool with that.”
“Ati Legibra, do they teach math tuition? What kind of name is that?”
“The kind that gets shit done on time?”
“Look, I’m about to crack this thing, it’s just a problem with configuration. There is also some depletion on the database….bandwidth…CPU process….”
“Look, I know nothing about these things you are saying but I know it’s been 24-hours and everybody is on my ass. They are starting to call me Bikozuku. [Nice one by the way, guys.] Maybe someone else can help you.”
“I don’t need someone else helping me. Certainly not anyone called Legibra.”
“Be cool, man.”
“I am cool. You are not cool.”
“I’m not cool for getting you help?” I ask.
“You people don’t get it. You should give us a chance to -”
“What do you mean ‘you people’?”
“You old people.”
“Boss, I’m not old, I’m 41!”
“My God, don’t say that aloud! I might catch it.”
“Jose, calm your tits. There is nothing wrong with getting help. It’s a show of strength.”
“I’m strong. I’ve always been strong.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“I’m not crying. I’m peeing.”
“Are you at your desk?”
Thankfully it didn’t go this way. Jose is a calm, collected and reasonable chap. He said, “Sure, have Felix’s people call me.” So together with Jose they worked overnight, moving furniture, poking up chimneys, unscrewing things, knocking down internet walls. Finally, yesterday evening they said, “OK, test it.”
So I wrote this small post as a test for two reasons. One, I’m saving this week’s post to run it next Tuesday. Why? Because this is my version of having a public holiday on a Monday. (Of course I’m going to take it.) Meaning on Sunday I won’t have to wake up early to write no damn post. I will do the things normal folk do on Sunday mornings; sleep in!
And two, to give you a chance to tell me if you have received the email notification (also try subscribing on the small window down there) and if you are experiencing any problems reading this post. You can also tell me all the technical problems you have faced on this blog previously that you’d like addressed. (No, I’m not increasing the font size)
But if everything is working fine and you have nothing to report you can also drop us a comment about your childhood, it’s also cool. If you want to tell us a funny story, go for it. Any comment goes today. Also, if you have ever been shot by a teargas canister on the breast or arse, please feel free to share that experience. Personally I want to hear that story. Maybe out there is a community of people who have been shot in the breast by teargas canisters. You can all start a whatsapp support group called Smokin’ Nipples. But I doubt there is anyone who can top being shot in the breast by a teargas canister. It’s niche. Coming second to it must be being bitten on the breast, but that hardly counts, especially if you enjoyed it.
Anyway, if you can read this post just say “Aye!”
Thank you for your patience. And your witty comments on social media. See you Tuesday? Inshallah.