And We Are Back?

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They shot Boniface Mwangi’s breast with a teargas canister. I can’t imagine anyone shooting my breast with anything, let alone a teargas canister. It must be mad painful. Anyway, he called me and said, “I see your website is still down. The guys who handle my websites want to help your IT guy bring it up. They are old hands at this. And they want to do it pro-bono. The guy that runs the company is called Felix Mbugua, solid guy. He runs a company Legibra [ https://legibra.com/]. Shall I give him your number?” I said, “Sawa, give him.” Then he hang up before I could ask how his breast was doing. How, on a pain scale of 1 to 10, it feels to get shot in the breast. I wanted to ask him if he thinks his nipples will ever regain their full sensitivity. Or if he will have a scar the shape of Asia. I said, “Shucks, now I have to find a way of talking to Jose, the IT guy, without making him feel like I have lost confidence in him.” Because you know how these millennial IT guys are, so sensitive. So egg-shelly. I didn’t want a conversation that goes like this. “Jose, I’m getting in some chaps to help with the website. I hope you are cool with that.” “What guys?” “Legibra guys.” “Ati Legibra, do they teach math tuition? What kind of name is that?” “The kind that gets shit done on time?” “Look, I’m about to crack this thing, it’s just a problem with configuration. There is also some depletion on the database….bandwidth…CPU process….” “Look, I know nothing about these things you are saying but I know it’s been 24-hours and everybody is on my ass. They are starting to call me Bikozuku. [Nice one by the way, guys.] Maybe someone else can help you.” “I don’t need someone else helping me. Certainly not anyone called Legibra.” “Be cool, man.” “I am cool. You are not cool.” “I’m not cool for getting you help?” I ask. “You people don’t get it. You should give us a chance to -” “What do you mean ‘you people’?” “You old people.” “Boss, I’m not old, I’m 41!” “My God, don’t say that aloud! I might catch it.” “Jose, calm your tits. There is nothing wrong with getting help. It’s a show of strength.” “I’m strong. I’ve always been strong.” “Then why are you crying?” “I’m not crying. I’m peeing.” “Are you at your desk?” Thankfully it didn’t go this way. Jose is a calm, collected and reasonable chap. He said, “Sure, have Felix’s people call me.” So together with Jose they worked overnight, moving furniture, poking up chimneys, unscrewing things, knocking down internet walls. Finally, yesterday evening they said, “OK, test it.” So I wrote this small post as a test for two reasons. One, I’m saving this week’s post to run it next Tuesday. Why? Because this is my version of having a public holiday on a Monday. (Of course I’m going to take it.) Meaning on Sunday I won’t have to wake up early to write no damn post. I will do the things normal folk do on Sunday mornings; sleep in! And two, to give you a chance to tell me if you have received the email notification (also try subscribing on the small window down there) and if you are experiencing any problems reading this post. You can also tell me all the technical problems you have faced on this blog previously that you’d like addressed. (No, I’m not increasing the font size) But if everything is working fine and you have nothing to report you can also drop us a comment about your childhood, it’s also cool. If you want to tell us a funny story, go for it. Any comment goes today. Also, if you have ever been shot by a teargas canister on the breast or arse, please feel free to share that experience. Personally I want to hear that story. Maybe out there is a community of people who have been shot in the breast by teargas canisters. You can all start a whatsapp support group called Smokin’ Nipples. But I doubt there is anyone who can top being shot in the breast by a teargas canister. It’s niche. Coming second to it must be being bitten on the breast, but that hardly counts, especially if you enjoyed it. Anyway, if you can read this post just say “Aye!” *** Thank you for your patience. And your witty comments on social media. See you Tuesday? Inshallah.

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508 Comments

      1. Biko did you see Kash Ali some boxer dude bit some other boxer rival on his rib cage? Close to biting nipples eiy. Very hilarious piece. Now let me find my pal who swore she had access to your Tuesday piece to explain how she went behind the issue Jose was sorting to find that story. Granted she said there was no mention of men or marriage in the whole article

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          4. Aye! Biko I’m so happy we’re finally back. I always look forward to this blog posts

        5. You’re a good story teller
          You don’t know how you putting smile to my life and many others. Keep up the good heart job Biko.
          Website iko sawa.

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        6. Aye!
          I kept refreshing a million times!!! Glad your website is up and running
          .
          I have no nipple stories to tell unfortunetree.
          Lmao, smokin nipples, I die!

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      2. Actually that day Boni got shot with a tear gas canister at close range I was standing next to him just after being interviewed by a journalist from France 24 TV and some others from the local TVs. We had turned out for the protest dubbed “#LuoLivesMatter” after so many guys had been killed in Nyanza following the contraversial 2017 election. The funniest thing I remember that day is that Brenda Wanga from NTV had come to Uhuru Park grounds in a dress to cover a protest, Lord! Who does that? But chic ran faster than all of us when hell broke loose.

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        1. Now! Yippie!! Back on! Now we can call you Biko and leave out (Zulu)
          Good job to the whole tech team and the hands that write

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          2. I have never been at a crossfire where teargas is dished as curtain raiser….But I have actually passed such place before…the air touches your face and you have to cry. Check Check the site is dope

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      4. “….You can all start a whatsapp support group called Smokin’ Nipples.”…Really Bikoooooooo!?! You Will be the end of me i swear

        Aye!

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    2. Biko, a suggestion, si you move the ‘Like’ button to the end of the post so that we can tap if we like the story? I’m not sure about everyone else, but I hardly ever remember to scroll all the way up to ‘like’ the article.

      And BikoZuku is the funniest thing I’ve read all week!

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      1. Biko Aye? But you know who says aye with a prolonged ay’. Anyway… Where is the other post. The reason we are all here

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        1. Now! Yippie!! Back on! Now we can call you Biko and leave out (Zulu)
          Good job to the whole tech team and the hands that write

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      4. There is a like button??

        Lol! Legibra’s link cannot be accessed. Is their website down as well? The irony.

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        2. @Tabut, The hyperlink on this post as put by Biko is missing some characters thus it doesn’t work. It should redirect to www.legibra.com and not www.legibra

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        1. Aye! How about we just call you Biks? It’s one syllable. Biko is a mouthful… and you know us guys under 41.

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      8. If you have never been beaten to near death by your parent in the name of being put in line then “u know nothing bikozuku” winter came and passed our watch is over and we can now hope to read your article soon….what is a cannister to the chest in this our country when we were raised by dragons? ….AYE

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    3. Let me piggy back on this top comment – Biko tell Boniface to DM/Whatsapp me back; I neeed him to speak to my class about activism. Tell him you know me.

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    4. Let me piggy on this top comment. Biko tell Boniface to DM/Whatsapp me back. I need him to speak to my class about activism. Tell him you know me.

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      1. But..but…you got me worried and for a moment i thought i’d been removed from the list. Anyway my breasts and ass are intact Looking forward to Tuesday

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      2. @Samuel our URL works just fine but we had stepped out for a minute from our server so that we can house Biko and get him back online as we fix his own cosy place for all you his audience to not miss a thing. Now he is settled in his own room and we are back to our room.

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    8. And finally after 9 years since 2011 January when I discovered you I subscribe,that’s how much I hate subscriptions except for bikozulu

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    10. I don’t know if this counts..but i once had mastitis..yes humans get it..that shit is painful..but it’s fruit are now grown..3 years..i thank God..

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    17. Aye! Thanks Bikozuku. My nipples are pretty fine however I wouldn’t mind being in the smokin’ nipple support group.

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  4. Good to have you back. I reloaded my phone thrice then remembered you might be going through what Instagram/Facebook and WhatsApp were going throu few days back.

    Never been shot but my papa has three bullets he collected from the 07 election violence.. he escaped death by what you writers say a whisker. He has them in a jar down in Maseno and talks fondly of the experience.

    Ps: Work on your edits, sometimes the blog has a number of typos making us wonder if your editor is on a self imposed leave.

    Else keep up the good work.

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      2. Aye! And even if my nipples had a tear gas encounter, I would not ever dare joining Smoking Nipples….imagine the Lady of the Manor stumbles upon such a group. You will be in the dog house as you explain whose Nipples are hot and how you found out HER nipples are hot. As they say, kuna wakili na wajinga….

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  7. My breasts have not been shot by a teargas canister. But, one was almost knocked off my chest by an elbow. I’ll tell you this Biko, I walked around holding my tits like a mad woman for a week!!
    That shit is painful!! Again, I’m woman and we have very tender tits unlike Bonny.
    Glad we’re back.

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      1. So those of us who were able to read Boss Lady are teacher’s pets ama? Everything looks like it’s working now. Good job Jose and the calculus guys.

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  11. Yes, you’re back. Finally!
    I thought I had a problem with my internet yesterday because of you, Biko.

    Glad you’re back, but I’m also kind of bummed that I never thought to call you Bikozuku. But I’m not WAN to complain (internet pun).

    Say hi to Boniface. Tell him we’re sorry for his BOOBoo.

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  13. biko..biko…Aren’t you the king of torture…..wait 5 more days to read the story after we read the first paragraphs………..

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    1. Aye!

      Biko! What do you mean i have now to waitinto read the story. Damn sometimes you can torment.
      Anyway glad you are back. I was scared someone read the post and ordered the website shut down.
      For those of us who have to ready on mobile would your website guy be so kind as to move the social media icons from the side so we are ablt to view the full screen please.

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    1. @STEM. I guess Biko was excited to be back online and he missed out the last characters on the hyperlink i.e www.legibra instead of www.legibra.com

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  17. Aye.

    Smokin nipples 🙂 where do you get this stuff? Glad you’re back it sucked being told you’re under maintenance i almost emailed you to stop going to spas and brothels on Tuesdays when we are waiting for a post. Have a beautiful weekend.

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  18. Still loading really slow though, Biko.

    Give Felix and Jose this error
    bikozulu.co.ke took too long to respond.
    ERR_CONNECTION_TIMED_OUT

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    1. Aye. For some reason I was able to download and read this week’s blog. So wouldn’t be unfair to me if you repost it? I am being selfish of course

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        1. Aaaaah Bikoo, you seriously doing this. Mscheew.. I even emailed you on the website issues.. then this. Am feeling slighted. Glad it’s Avocado season..Let me slide to my son’s school. Umenibore yangu yote.

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      5. As did I before the site went down. I read it and downloaded for someone as PDF because I thought I had issues with my internet too.
        I chose not to forward it to people just because…. It’s (gonna be) a gripping story though!

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    3. @Mark. This was before we had finished the task fully. There is usually a process called propagation that takes approximately 48hours and during this time some users get this error.

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    1. @the Lowly pawn while searching for the good oldies, read KNICKERS! It will blow your mind. Literally. The old reads are gems.

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  20. So Boniface has a nippless* breast? a piece of advise from the internet to Shujaa Bonny [One of the most common (and easily cured) causes of nipple pain is wearing tight or ill-fitting undergarments and clothing.]

    I rest.

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      2. @Fredrick. This was occasioned to a process we call propagation which usually takes 48hours give or take.

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  25. Bikozulu, aye! Even my most recent break-up dint feel as bad as this website’s low, my Tuesday mood depends entirely on these posts, waaah, anyway cant wait for a series you will call women and relationships coz I will be the first.
    Next Tuesday it is!

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  26. aye

    Nipples just fine,but the breasts….lets just say olympus already fell?

    Do you want to write a story about fallen breasts?They have a story too you know

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  27. But Biko just say the truth. Maybe you had not paid Jose. Or maybe you just don’t have bundles. Guess what? Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Sema tu baba!!!!!

    Aye:-P

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    2. This is good one.so we should just call him the nipple guy BM seems overrated.
      Am creating a whatsapp group The niche is blasted nipples who is in?
      Ayeeeh!(somali accent)

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  28. Really Bikozulu? Did you have to hoard the post while people are posting excerpts on social media? Whose child are you?

    My tits have never been hit by a teargas canister but they have been bitten severally, painfully while breastfeeding a baby and sweetly by men not so young

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  34. Aye,but Biko,i cant read the previous post(What happens when boss lady calls),have you brought it down?

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  40. I have always had small breasts, like super small! I have two kids, I didn’t space them so for like three years I enjoyed some breasts. Now they are gone…just nipples. Hehe! Growing up, I heard there is a river insect that could bite them and make them big!! Haha! Is it true?

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    2. In my native language we call it Njururi, up to date there is nothing to write home about though.

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    3. Kate,I had to reply on your comment, and to think I worry about my big ones, but confidence in a cup resonated well with me,remember the story??

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  43. Aye. Talking of being shot by a teargas canister on the breast, I have remembered a sad thing that happened on January 15th 2019 at Dusit 2. A colleague of mine, my host, my best-friend and my hope in the football industry was shot twice in the chest. He died instantly. Am talking about ODU COBRA; the bearded fella who was all over the News after the 16 Riverside Attack. Things have never been the same to us at WADAU TV. It has even been tough for us hitting the screens. He was everything. He was life. Losing a close colleague you spent all the times with is something I wouldn’t wish for someone. Its hectic. Traumatic. Nightmare. As always, I still find solace in reading this blog site, thanks Biko. I also write football blogs and I derive a lot of inspiration from here. Let’s teach our young ones about religious extremism and radicalization. Men, life is hard out here, but being brain washed to join an extremist group won’t solve our problems. Talk to the youths around you, especially those who are idle in the estates. Engage them and support them where you can. Our young boys are joining gangs and are being radicalized at an alarming rate. Above all, let’s be on the look out of any suspicious guys at home, school, malls, church, estate, or any social event. Thanks guys.

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  44. Well aye for the start your abscence allowed me occasion to read some of your work with Business daily from whence I chanced on an interview that had such deep stuff….. Check

    Why do you think all of a sudden we are a society that is hell bent to print fake money, to steal and enrich ourselves?

    Selfishness. Because you don’t have shoes, you get shoes and you want better ones. Because you don’t want dust on your better shoes, then you want a big house in a great neighbourhood, then you get a car, but it’s not as big as the neighbours, so you get a bigger one then one day your meet someone who owns a helicopter … it’s a bottomless pit which you can never fill.

    James Mageria
    Luminary

    This guy, this guy bwana ayeeeeee

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    1. The website is taking forever to open. Something that I didn’t experience before. And no…. I don’t have internet problems . My internet is just fine. you

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      1. @Priscilla This would have been occasioned by when we were “in between servers” moving from old to new.

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  48. Wohoo, we back. I was able to read Tuesdays post by the way. I’m that girl I guess, Well, if you want a story about tear gas canisters, ask Felix to narrate to you about those from his campus days sometime. He might have interesting ones

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    1. @Ngari. Trust you me i still have canister souvenirs, and that was the fun stage of life now its the “doing my part to build the nation” stage of life…….. yes like ensuring Biko is up for his audience to relish his mastery.

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  49. Aye!

    Glad we are back. I have never been shot by a tear gas canister on my boobs, but there was once a time I was in Ngara and the police were in running battles with hawkers. One cop look at me and fired the canister towards me. It missed my head by a few inches!

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  51. Aye!
    We understand you were mourning NIPSEY HUSSLE. Its okay Biko. Your secret is safe with us, and Jose too.
    I can now have my crappy instant coffee today though, saving the brewed one for ‘Boss Lady”.
    And all your followers must be GOT babes, such patience!

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  52. Aye…..
    I was born today, 4th of April, so I am glad so far I have not shot by a teargas canister on the breast or arse…..

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  56. Thund thunda ber.

    En mana ni ok awiny gimoro amora ka ng’ato nyodhe.

    Kata ka ngato nyodha.

    Kata ka ng’ato kona ni “i love you”.

    Kata ka ng’ato miya BJ.

    Kata ka ok adak gi nyithinda?

    Ok adwa dhako, mon.

    Adwaro mana ng”otho jasto atieko.

    Nende ok adwar mondo dhako onid e otandana.

    Aonge hera koso atuo?

    Erokamano.

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  60. So many breast jokes. I think that is why the page is taking too long to load. This is not me complaining, it’s my web browser – The page is taking too long to load.

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  61. Aye!! Welcome back.

    Ps; It takes took quite some time to load.And no, my internet does not have a problem. Maybe akina Felix could check on that?

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  62. Felix was my classmate in JKUAT, Juja boys don’t disappoint glad they came through for you otherwise hata mimi ningevolunteer. We can’t have you pulling zuku stunts on our weekly therapy sessions you guy.

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    1. Biko some one up here☝has asked who’s child you are, i am interested in the answer because my heart is breaking… yaaaani,I’ll have to nurse a cliffhanger till next week?uko serious Wa Kimani??…I’m sad,heck I’m mad….

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  66. Aye! I am glad the site is back…. Almost quited my job coz that’s all I come here to do.. Read Biko’s posts…. Haha msinishtaki

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  67. Back to avoiding addictions, I won’t even follow those EPL and other leagues games. I don’t indulge with whiskey much. Mukimo comes close but even that I can break. God knows what I have done to break addictions to some crashes I have had on people. But I have things to be grateful for….

    I haven’t been shot on my nipple. Or even have it bitten. Not even by a water beetle.

    For a moment I thought you would tell Joe (cool name. I will bill him) to calm his tits or you would shoot them but you missed a chance.

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  68. Aye! I never experienced the said problem.So Boniface Mwangi can be that nice? Guy has a habit of saying nasty things to people who have different views from him on Fb.Anyway I don’t like him,But his art and activism is on point(Dont tell him but).

    Then let me tell you guys a story.So there’s this guy who pulled out five braids from my left side near the ear.Five damn braids.So,I refuse to shave my hair.The lady who does my hair, had to Plait and skip that baldness.This happened for close to a month until the hair grew and could be braided.
    Do we have women whose braids have been pulled,clothes burnt,money stolen from their purses and would like to create a whatsApp group.Or just hang out and gossip about the experience.By the way I refused to shave my hair 10 years down the line as a symbol of victory from Domestic violence.

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    1. So me and my girl Njeri we compete every Tuesday to read your story and then ‘spoiler alert’ each other but last week but one () I didn’t get an alert it went to promotion emails, did our Gasheri rape my ears with that day’s story??! Anyway am alive and well. Thank you Jose that guy, this Tuesday the conversation went some thing like
      Gasheri : have you read today’s article?
      Me: oh yeah I did
      Gasheri: it’s not opening from my side please don’t spoil it for me
      Me: it’s about Jose, do I need to go on?
      Gasheri: well I guess no one is winning today

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  77. Aye! good stuff you come through with every other time. I especially like reading through when I’m in a jav. It’s way better than being on Instagram (safaricom bundles huwa expe!).
    Anyways, I once bought your book,Drunk but i never got to taste the drink:( It couldn’t load.

    Thanks for sharing your pieces 41!

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  79. Aye!

    This relationship was getting complicated Bikozulu, hehehehehehe. But now we’re cool. Oh, and apologise to Gacheri. She’s been getting all the grief coz “her friend” chujad me from his mailing list, hahahahahaha.

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  84. I am sure most of us felt the same way Kermit the frog is feeling up there once we got the “we are back notification”. Certified addicts. At least I am. Good to have you back.

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  86. Aye, I never had any problems downloading either post which I received on email, I only saw the complaints on Facebook.

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  91. Glad you are back Bikozulu, However, we also enjoyed the funny comments on Facebook while you were busy learning Algebra.

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  92. when i tried to open via the direct link from my email it showed a 404 error. so i had to google search the website,then select this post.

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  94. Aye!

    Biko there is a girl on here i need to shoot my shot at. she comments ivi ivi tu but she about to catch this canister of love sijui where- wont know what hit her . very elusive albeit. but strategy is laid. today anything goes, if we die we die.

    ps; the site is iffy. the old guys have lost their mojo

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  98. Aye! Seems your website finally got shot on its arse!! hehe…One thing…website takes forever loading…proverbial Mzee Kobe on a race…

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  99. My breasts are fine but I had my head in my arms. For a moment I thought Jose has unceremoniously moved the website to some Jumla or Wherever and it needed manual sync.
    I don’t know if you can allow me to narrate someone’s story if you do I have one on Men and Mariage. I will also be turning 25 soon and I think I should write a piece or two about my childhood.

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  101. Aye!

    The wait has been long. We, the disciples have been patient though. It however breaks my heart to know that a rain-check has been done on the article which was to appear this week. And the way it had began like a movie scene! I’ll keep on the wait.

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    1. Since this involves nipples, there is something nipply about my childhood. A long time ago, while I was a preteen, my mum told me and my younger sister that it is shameful to have huge breasts. My mum is one of those ladies cut from the same stone as the robust women of yore and never ceases to complain about her rather large bust. She would complain and complain how nature was unfair to her to curse her with such huge boobs. Even now, in her late 50s, she still complains.

      So it was, that when I was about 8 or 9 and, perhaps fearing that I might genetically inherit her ‘natural burdens’, as she refers to them boobs, she told me its an embarrassment to be big breasted. That she knows of a way I can evade the inevitable. She therefore instructed me to find a tiny insect which dwells in a unique hole in the dust. This insect is called Awuor Awuor but in my dialect, the w and u are omitted. Finding Aor Aor was not a problem since it was as common as a fly. You only have to locate its hole, (by the way, this sacred insect dwelt along agola, the verandah of a mud walled house) sit down near the hole, beat around the mouth of the hole with the palm of your hand and sing:

      Aor Aor ban piende,
      Aor Aor ban piende,
      Meru biiro!

      You were to repeat the song in a persuasive manner over and over until the mythical creature emerged from her abode.

      As to how it would help minimize breast size, well, mama showed me how to place Aor Aor on my flat chest, directly on my tiny nipples and let it bite and bite. I can mischievously say that the feeling was out of this world. Nothing erotic but definitely sensational.

      Anyway to cut along story short, am proud to say that 20 yrs later, my boobs are perfect 38D. Mum still complains about her own fate but makes extra effort to envy me while at it.
      I once asked her why she never applied the same trick and she said she learnt about it when she was a teen. By then it was too late.
      Well, I think myths and superstitions remains what they are unless proven otherwise

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  107. Hi Biko, I suspect with the comments already out, mine will be like a shout in a void but I’ll keep trying till your eyes look my way. So me and my friend who is a fine girl started this platform for connecting non-profit organizations with volunteers and other forms of assistance, we need a website like badly but we don’t have that kind of cash that builds websites like this one which houses us here. Call you connect us with Boni, maybe he can volunteer his pro-bono guys. Fred…

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  108. Aye!!! I took my lady parts for a brazilian wax. Ngaaaatho that ish hurts. No not for me. I sill stick to letting the forest grow. Wueeh.

    Alafu where is that post ‘ when the boss lady calls” I had the notification on Tuesday then the site went down

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  111. I’m here trying to imagine what story you have in store about ‘Bosslady’… Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday…wueh!

    If I was ever in that ‘SN’ WhatsApp group, I’d never mute the notifications!

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  116. Aye!

    This here is funny though. Now every time I see police canisters I will think of that Whatspp group.

    No, I have not been hit by canisters but I remember in my first yer in campus, students went on strike. Police raided the school to chase us out; teargas and all. (That thing makes you cry your tear ducts dry.) They started chasing us with dogs. Well, I have never really loved animals (dogs and cats) and no, I’m not cruel-so we ran. We had to go through bushes and thickets to get out of the school because we could not used the min gate which was already blocked. Once we were on the rod, we started to walk and before we knew it, the cops were hot on our heels. We ran into a chemist because my friend who was asthmatic, was having an attack and we had no inhaler. I too needed water to take medication I should have taken that morning. Never mind that when I finally got home, my dad questioned me like I was the ring leader and my jaw dropped.

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  119. Biko so what happens to those of us that did refresh on Tuesday 1000 times and by luck the story loaded and we got to read about the teacher and the bosslady? can we have a version for that group of folks?

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  120. Aye!

    Normal folk go to church Sunday morning.

    Well come back.

    Oh and Biko we need drunk on soft, make it happen.

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    2. Aye…that means those of us who got this weeks article will have to read it again? Haidhuru. Such is life!

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    4. I will write Aye because I almost died thinking those guys had found teargas canisters in your chimneys. Welcome back Biko.

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  121. Aye. I thought my childhood was boring till i grew up and started having panic attacks and realised if you don’t deal with your past you relieve it in your present. Been enjoying the Men and marriage blogs my relationship definetly improving funny how other peoples stories give your own life perspective. Continue doing your magic Biko you ignite what is dead in us

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  125. Aye
    Do smoking nipples include these ones of mine that are on fire every morning after my 4 month old boy has been nibbling all night??? and chap refuses the bottle? oh well, glad you’re back!

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  127. Aye! Shout-out to Jose and the Legibras for getting us back online, you’re superstars.
    I’ve never been shot in the boobage but I’ve had an FNA biopsy on one of the girls bila anaesthesia. Later I also got 4 shots (injections) right in the bullseye before a surgical procedure. That was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, so I kinda empathize with Boni

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  130. Biko, nothing to say. Like always. Only I felt the need to say it today.
    Glad you’re back!!!
    Now can we get more stories that give us something to talk about in the office 🙂

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  136. Aye. Good job Jose and the legibra guys. Being shot with a teargas carnister shall never be your portion IJN.

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    1. Aye. I don’t like the social media icons on the right though, they are in the way, can they be moved somewhere else?

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  140. I attended a catholic boarding school where we had to attend morning mass every single day at 6 am. Obviously this got boring pretty fast as masses aren’t the most enjoyable of events. Since they are also quite predictable, (lots of standing, seating and kneeling down) most of us mastered the rhythm in a short period and could literally go through the motions in our sleep. I would stand up when others were standing and knew when to kneel just by the sound of others shuffling on the kneeling boards. This one morning i got it wrong though and stood up bang in the middle of the fathers sermon with my eyes closed. Took me a while to notice that everything in the chapel had stopped and everyone had their eyes trained on me. Father Okeke wasn’t in the least bit amused.

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  142. Aye….. ati don’t say your age out loud it may run off on me.
    I have tried to open What Happens When Boss Lady Calls with no luck.

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  150. Aye…
    I have not yet read your book drank..but since today I can write about my childhood story..
    I grew up at Tusker Village,located opposite EABL…my father like all dads were drankards but very good providers…In that village every family knew something about each other…so you can imagine the kind of stories we tell or remind each other as adults when we meet…drank should be our title.he..he..he…non my of my siblings drink but I guess we inhaled alot of the malted barley aroma…O.k,I will pick your book from the bookshop this saturday,I hope it lives up to the hype then maybe we can continue with this story someday..

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  154. I had already read the post before the website went down,so bad gonna wait for two weeks before the ‘next’ post!

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  157. Glad to see your back and the pen is even sharper now…… about Smokin Nipples….. Asi!!! … but we gotta Group called Smokin HAAT!!. that’s way cool… meanwhile checking for a worthy story…

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  160. Aye!!
    I restarted my phone twice thinking it was my phone that had an issue.
    Why don’t you just make our weekend by posting that Tuesday piece on Sunday. Tuesday does sound far like next year!!

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  161. I haven’t been getting notifications but today I did. Great and sorry to Boni for his nippple. OUCH!

    In JKUAT, way back in year 2000, we went to Nation centre to sort out some “small matter”. Apparently, some writer had mentioned hall 6 and marijuana in the same sentence and we were not happy. So we went and threw chairs and bottles and anything we could find onto the windows of that building.

    On our way back, at Muthaiga roundabout, there was this soda depot. Thirsty lads went in to quench their thirst….

    The rest is history. GSU was sent full swing. Teargas was used in abundance and were it not for former president M01 (Em Oh One) some of us were facing serious crimes.

    But it’s good to finally get notifications…..

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  162. Hey, can’t still get the “When the Bosslady calls”. What should I do? I am now getting anxious (smiley face)

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  163. Everything is fine bikozuku. When I was a child I used to take first and then the bread while the tea is still waiting for the bread in the mouth…yeah you guessed it.
    We need emojis in here.

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  165. Dude,
    Lemme tell you what hurts the boobs … when a guy drives at mad speed, and then hits a bump.
    When your boobs move at that momentum and then go up and down, it hurts like…. I can’t even say.
    Especially when you’re in a mathree, and you can’t cry out in pain or hug your boobs tight and cry.

    So, don’t hit bumps at high speed when there’s a chick in the car. Sawa?

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  169. Aye! I got the email.
    It is taking too long to load though.
    On the bright side, I got to read Boss lady ☺

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  171. Aye.. Glad your back Biko!
    “Boss, I’m not old, I’m 41!”
    “My God, don’t say that aloud! I might catch it.”
    This made me laugh out too loud.. Coz it’s something my youngest sister would say! These millennials though.. tsk tsk!

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  175. Dear Biko, I was among those people that were on your neck, I think so. At first, I thought it was my Juba poor internet providers that sucked it up. But then again, it got the whole point. By the way, when our two men (Salva Kiir and Dr. Riek Machar) come back to form the bulky government on earth, we hope things might change. How? I don’t know. Anyway, I am waiting for the next post.

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    1. I will write Aye because I almost died thinking those guysm had found teargas canisters in your chimneys. Welcome back Biko.

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  183. But my main problem is this… Since I read the post last Tuesday and even drafted a comment, then what? Can I Just post the comment? Do I get special post for Tuesday when others who were left behind are reading the old post?

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  184. 1st time commenting on here, and why’d I have to scroll down so far. shouldn’t this sections be right up there after the article or something. anyways what do I know……..

    am I the only one wondering about the header of the article, “and we are back?” is it a statement or a question, I read it a couple of times back to back till I quit and went on to the story anyways but still here I am about it again, someone set it straight with me please or not…………….?

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  187. Aye! Kept smiling all through this read 🙂 …hehe Reminds me of when I first smoked weed! first and last time…hmm… couldn’t stop smiling and then couldn’t stop laughing. Campus days. I saw pink elephants too! damn! Oh well..waiting for Bosslady…Aye!

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  188. Hey Biko.
    So glad you’re back!
    Everything is chonjo!

    I haven’t been shot at (directly) by a canister but I remember I was just about done with campo 2016 and went back to work, feeling green a second time.
    Any way, this guy, a senior reporter tells me ”baby girl, let’s go cover these IEBC demos, and welcome you back to work”. So, I followed I’m right after leaving my phone behind because noone goes to cover an anti-election demo with their phones. Also, I’m not the heels and dresses’ girl so I was really, dressed for the ‘near death’ experience. Armed with my notebook and pen, I followed him to the Nairobi University bridge.

    They really wanted Isaack Hassan out.

    Long story short, the canister was shot above the heavily manned Anniversary Towers’ gates, landing centimeters from us and for a moment, I think I had my out-of-body experience. I got to appreciate water in it’s full glory those few minutes; water is like rally life.

    Vowed never to entangle myself with rowdy crowds for any reason whatsoever. I just see them and flee, the way I would the devil.

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  190. What Happens When Bosslady Calls?- Bigger question is what happened to that story man????? I have told everyone I know including the watchman about these latest men and marriage manenons only for them to call me ati “That website is like ummm down! Just like the status of that your govt at the moment”

    Hennyways looking forward to the next one- You and Josh have played us! Ama what what the guys name who was fixing the site. *Back to regular programming*

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  199. Aye! And we’re back. Happy holiday Biko.

    My son 20 months old (I like saying it in months, feels like I got this parenting thing together) hehe has discovered biting…..scratch the together comment. He’ll wait till your not watching and bam!! He bites anywhere he can reach….those tiny teeths are damn painful maybe close to being hit by teargas canister.

    Ni hayo tu kwa sasa.

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  204. I can read this. I do not need any changes, I just hope next week I won’t be the maniac hitting F5 all afternoon. Thank Jose and Felix and all other souls that got this site working again.

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  208. Aye!

    Biko, I swear I thought you had broken up with us unceremoniously. Looks like we are safe, no need to panic.
    Can’t wait to read ‘when bosslady calls’

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  222. What happened to the previous post ‘When bosslady calls?’.. Got the email notification but cannot find the article through the link or on the website. It seems to have vanished.

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  223. Aye!
    Na sisi wenye tulishasoma ‘When boss lady calls?’ ……. Will we have a different artical to read instead?
    Anyway my childhood was tough, I was a fatso who loved to still eat my sister’s portions and was called ‘button nose’ by my peers *sigh*.
    Still cannot believe what a beauty I turn out to be… So I really identify with the Ugly Duckling

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    1. Lol….I kent wax!!. Even threading my fast growing eyebrows is horror. I tell my beautician she’s taken me …”labor ward”

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  230. Aye Chocolate man! I’ve never been shot on my nipples but they once ‘bled’ milk when i was 19 and a virgin. Never been that scared. turned out i had hormonal issues, Prolactin levels were high and telling my body to produce milk lol.

    Glad we are back.

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  234. Aye!!! For once I thought that I was alone in this…It feels weired to be alone in an internet/website whatever wilderness. Am glad you are back on.Congratulations.

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    1. So 105.5 Xfm went off line then your website that was double tragedy. . I’ve read the blog with Nick Ndedas accent … pretty funny.

      Welcome back – looking forward to Tuesday.

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  238. Aye! Kambas will be tempted to say aiyee. In that they will perhaps mean no, they can’t believe they haven’t read Boss Lady since Biko Zulu broke down!

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  242. I felt sorry for Boniface Mwangi until this post. Thanks to you, I had to show my boss why I was laughing because he walked in just as I burst out laughing and now I’m the weird one in the office.

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  248. Aye-There are more than a 1000 ways to kill humans-even throwing tear gas canisters to a man’s breast.This life!

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  254. Aye.

    And I read this week’s piece from screenshots… couldn’t wait but now you’re telling me you got nothing for me next week?

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  258. I think you should start a church Bikozulu, all these faithful would give you their offering and thithe readily.
    I seem not to be able to have an independent comment asecrion and instead have to reply on someone else’s comment.

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  261. Aye!!
    I can’t wait for the next story.
    And my childhood was lovely,I’m entirety grateful for my parents and siblings.
    And my best friend is from before we started school.I’m grateful for that too.
    And my mum made us sleep every afternoon when we go back from school,we had some cool friends that would open the door for us from outside and together with my brother we’d go playing and keep watch for in case mom decided to come back.
    And my mum’s a tough one.and I love her.And there was a girl that bullied me in class 1.
    And I had my first bf at class 6.hahahaha!!
    And I hated swimming lessons because we had to compete across the pool and I wasn’t a good swimmer,I slacked.

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  262. Aye! Bikozuku is a great comeback like the ‘Hata sijaskia vibaya song’ Teusdays been holidays since I joined the ‘readership’, your Monday holiday is granted. Good Job ‘Chocolate Man’

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  263. When we were young we were so eager for our breasts to grow that we would take some small insects that burrow in soil and make them bite our nipples so that our breasts would grow. I have just realized all that pain was for nothing.

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  266. Aye aye! Didn’t realize until now that men have breasts, let alone nipples! Had to peep discreetly to confirm, na niko job! We back, Tuesday it is

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  271. Me! The not so Techo Savvy, had to turn and ask someone,

    “Can someone block you from their website, I cannot get through to Bikozulu?”
    Then I click and click and click, something says, Jose is on it. “Jose is that guy,” made me laugh aloud.

    Aye… I got the email.

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  273. Aye….. tits, breasts, cannister, smokin nipples…almost felt like I was reading the fabulous Tin Tin Comedies of yole. Aye Biko, we hear you… you make us laugh…. a totally rare commodity in modern Kenya with intrigues of 2022, firm and shaky handshakes, prados & double cab pick ups for dams, fake & genuine legal tenders, sweet-coated corruption warfares…Woi! Tunavumilia kuwa Wakenya, but do I say?

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  274. Damn you Biko zuku I have been eagerly waiting for a new post and here you are pushing it to next week…..anyway let’s hope the page does not misbehave again.

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  277. Aye!
    321 comments later and a bunch of nipple jokes,
    Yet we only click accept when we see T&C,
    Says alot about priorities eh,
    Waiting on Tuesday!

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  281. I had a nanny who once thought a can of mace I left on my dresser was bug spray. The house was mosquito infested so, she figured she’d go hard on the mozzies with the little black can inter on mamas dresser . I came home and found my then 8 month old son choking from the mace and a bewildered nanny.

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  284. Aye! The wait was good

    All I remember is a family of on my trousers in a tea plantantion going for the trophy ‍♀️

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  285. You have taken me too far to my childhood when I bit someone on the breast while fighting. I still owe her an apology. Though she was big and it was my nearest last straw spot which I faithfully clang onto….

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  286. Well I know a girl who was having a picnic, an ant crawled its way into her skinny leg pants and bit her vagina! That has to be more painful that smoking breast.

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  287. I would like to be the admin of the bitten nipple’s group and those with smokin hot nips are welcome to join.
    Pole to bwana Boniface.
    But why do you people bite them so much…I digress

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  288. Aye!
    the Legibra site cant be reached.
    Ask your guy to ensure that if you add links to your posts (e.g..the legibra site)It should open in a new tab/window.
    If it opens on the same page ,where I am reading a post then I have to go back blah blah,hata typing hiyo yote inachokesha ..a big sigh..you get it ..right.

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  289. Aye!
    the Legibra site cant be reached.
    Ask your guy to ensure that if you add links to your posts (e.g..the legibra site)It should open in a new tab/window.
    If it opens on the same page ,where I am reading a post then I have to go back blah blah,hata typing hiyo yote inachokesha ..a big sigh..you get it ..right.

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  301. Aye!
    And all my encounters with teargas canisters ended up with me having bad homa where I sounded like death, almost coughing out a lung so no, I don’t want those things near my rack or arse please.

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  302. We are glad to be back!!
    Actually I know Felix Mbugua from Legibra!!!Went to primary school together and he is the real deal when it comes to these things!!So happy to see his star shining so brightly

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  307. I know a few guys who would like to talk about Shot in the breast, but I doubt they would limit themselves to shit by a canister…

    I was meant to say Aye.

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  309. Aye! If I was a delightful swanglish rapper the jingle would go like so

    Bwana Biko Zulu
    Ulitafutwa humu huku mtandaoni
    Pasi ulipozama kama zuku huku
    Kwa vile ulikuwa na positive impact
    Tukakupa goodwill na alama za dukuduku
    Ungedinda kupatikana huku humu
    Humor ingedai tukutambue BikoZuku
    Hongera Jose na Legibra
    wamejumuika na juhudi vilegit
    Maneno yanapenya mtandaoni
    Yaamkini kama mto mle jangwani
    Karibu yetu sisi ni kama waasi Africa kusini
    Natuzidi natamaduni ya ngano
    Kadri uwe zuku
    Na sasa jina litabaki kama Biko yule Zulu

    Karibu

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  310. Aye.
    My earliest childhood Memory is of cutting this boys forehead with a blueband tin because he wldnt give me HIS toy car. I was an entitled last born then before the folks Decided i was spoilt and added another child
    nkt **.for millenials.yes blueband used to come in a tin. Sometimes i think abt him and his scarred forhead. It was a big cut. Blood was everywhere. Luckily my dad is a dr so he stiched him up. I hope he is a well adjusted adult with minimal scars

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  316. Chiewo chung’ chieo chiege
    Chiege chung’ chwako chai
    Chai chiek chieng’ chiro
    Chiro chakore chon
    AYE!

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  317. Aye!
    My nipples are just okay only that at times the hot sun scorched them so bad they might as well look like they were shot by a teargas canisters

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  336. Aye!

    Most memorable childhood story, my dad and I falling off his bicycle while he was taking me to pre-school. Right at the school gate. Everyone saw me and my father on the dusty ground. It was so embarrassing.
    God, I love that man.

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  338. Aye
    I ducked and flinched at this statement “They shot Boniface Mwangi’s breast with a teargas canister. I can’t imagine anyone shooting my breast with anything, let alone a teargas canister. It must be mad painful” …. thought the canister was coming my way …

    You hilarious Biko…. always looking forward to your posts..

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  340. Aye….and this nipple thingy with Bonny, its hilarious…si dude be like why on earth did i tell Biko that story?!!..hope it hasnt mutated to the size of that on the buddha

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  341. And about your piece on what happened in India?….Thanks for writing it, i literally know each and every one mentioned on it including Simo(RIP)..Thanks for doing it….We all became grown men and women studying in Hindustani….was with all those chaps in the same town and college..maaaaaaad i must say

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  348. Aye!

    Hilarious & Brief. I liked it.

    Personaly i have interacted with Felix & the Legibra team. Their work is excellent.

    Keep it up guys!

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  350. Is it too late to say AYE! decided to go down memory lane on old post and so far am laughing my lungs out in the office….well its more of mixed reactions

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