By Hanafi Kaka
This is a gadget guide for men and women who love their toys. Things you have to have as a bona fide gadget freak.
Power bank
Power banks shouldn’t look like weapons of mass destruction. You want a power bank that says Shaken, not stirred. That way, every time you pull it out of your pocket, having fit perfectly in there, it’s followed by a beam of neon lights and a 1970s disco soundtrack. You just unveiled the future to the mere mortals around you dragging blocks in their specially-dedicated-for-power-banks carrier bags. That said, the ideal power bank should be slim, does not look like it will get you arrested for terrorism, fits in your pocket, has a high capacity and above all – it shouldn’t be pink. In fact, this is the most important consideration. But if you really really must carry around a pink power bank, let it be tethered to a Chihuahua, with a matching collar. It’s easier to forgive you that way.
A Damned Smart TV
It’s 2015! You shouldn’t be caught with a TV that you cannot control with your phone. The fact that 3D and 4K and 1080p resolution TVs are now as affordable as a crate of apples means you should be able to smell the onions on The Food Channel; I know I can with mine.
Wireless Speakers
Yes, these things will keep your teeth in your mouth if you are of those fellas with magnetic toes. You know yourselves. The age of tripping over lines of wires running through your house and scaring your little ones every time only exist in memory. We are not trying to harness horses with all that wire running under the carpets and around corners of the house.
A Smart Watch
We know Rolex and Longines have not made their own yet, but just use the Apple or Samsung ones for now. They come with themes, faces you can change, color variations and they keep you healthy if you listen to them. Your tummy will fade just from wearing a smartwatch, imagine. Plus, it’s cool to go all wearable these days. They even have clothes that change color depending on your moods. I just worry what color they may change to when you’re about to let out a silencer fart. You’re sitting in a meeting and your shirt begins to turn green. Incoming!
Jimmy Jane Hello Touch
I’m sure this counts as a sex toy in a way. But only if you use it below the equator. It turns out the ladies really do love things that vibrate; blenders, washing machines, phones on silent modes. No? And your fingers. This naughty little gadget is your ticket to making that touch electrifying. Literally. It has a power and control unit that you strap to your wrist and two ring caps on the end of chords that you wear at your fingertips, and vibrate when you hold her. Yes, you can use them to pick your nose too.
Universal Clip Lens
You’ve probably already seen these little monsters in a tech store somewhere. And the fake geeks there who wear fake spects (this is an equivalent of parking in the handicaps section. It’s an insult to the rest of us who are actually blind. Ish) tried to make you buy them even though your iPhone camera works just perfectly. But for those of you who only buy smartphones for Instagram and Whatsapp, these little things help to improve the quality of your pics. Any missing teeth will be replaced in the final picture. Hehe. That was for you, Trixx. Just make sure you get to seriously test them before packing them in your bag. Some shops just sell you distorted glasses with no real optical qualities.
Safari Charger
It’s been said a thousand times, and we shall say it again. Always have more than one charging unit if you have to work on the road.
A Vacuum Stubble Trimmer
The punchline for this great device is simple: Leave no evidence. This shit is the real bomb. It trims your beard, moustaches (and your legs if you’re into that), while sucking in the fallen follicles. No one will know you are actually a primate.
An electric, massaging chair and seat pad
I promise, this is the last I will talk of anything that vibrates and goes below your waist, or behind your back. Or anywhere close to you. Some of them come with complimentary neck pad massagers as well, so you can be getting your back, ass and neck squeezed to comfort while you scratch your beard and dose off.
Feel free to add more gadgets to this list.