The Questions They Ask

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Over the weekend in shags I woke up at dawn and as I reversed I saw my dad, a toothbrush stuck in his kisser, asked me where I was going so early. I told him I was going to the pier, to take a picture of the sunrise. He chuckled. As I drove out I stared at him in the rear view mirror standing on the steps of the verandah in his shorts, a baffled look on his face. ‘Did he say he’s going to take a picture of the SUNRISE?’ his look suggested. Why would anyone want to go take a picture of the sunrise? Why do I have to be the guy who gets the son who wakes up to take a picture of the sunrise? Why didn’t God give me a son who goes to hunt? Or wants to go to war at dawn? Or sink a dam? A goddamn sunrise? God, why?

Sometimes I suspect my dad questions my sexuality when I do shit like that.

Anyhow, I went down to the disused pier, past the rumbling old town of Kendu Bay, with it’s old elegant mosques and line of homes with splintered blue wooden doors and closed shops that will never open again. Goats were just rising up with their kids leaping playfully on the warm tarmac. The pier was deserted as it usually is at this time. The wrought irons remained rammed into the lake, a place where ships and steamers and many big bowelled sea animals once docked. Today it’s a neglected maritime museum, a place where things came to wither and flounder and then diminish.

It was peaceful at that time of the morning. Across the lake, boats bobbed up and down in the reeds by the shore. A few women silently washed clothes nearby. Eastbound, on the horizon, the orange glow of the sun made a promise. I reclined the seat in the car and opened my Kindle to read “Just Kids,” By Patti Smith. There is a line I read as I waited for the sunrise: In the war of magic and religion, is magic ultimately the victor? Perhaps priest and magician were once one, but the priest, learning humility in the face of God, discarded the spell for prayer. I read and re-read that passage a few times and for a while I couldn’t get past it. Further in the lake, two men steered a boat with its mast up against the rising sun. I stood in the peer in my vest and leso (which I assure you has got no bearing to my sexuality) and took pictures. Later, I went back to the car, read two more chapters and slowly drove back to shags taking the long route home.

When I got there, my brother was up washing my mom’s grave. The ugly domestic dog with no name had been herded back into its kennel kicking and yelping, and my dad was at the verandah, a small radio in his lap, listening to Radio Citizen. “Did you take a picture?” He asked. I went to my gallery and quickly scrolled through the pictures that came before and after my sunrise shots, because I didn’t want him to be looking at beautiful pictures of the sun only to come across a picture of a girl with a thonged bum that someone had sent from one of those Whatsapp Groups where some very, uhm, risque conversations happen.

I wonder how he would react though, given that he’s now in church and he loves the Corinthians. I wonder how that moment would be when I’m there bending over his shoulder, showing him these pictures and suddenly, boom! An ass. You can’t even pretend it’s anything but. You can’t say it’s a picture of a drumstick taken at a very creative angle. And for a moment we stare at that ass and the ass stares back at us and we are both sure that there is never going to be a more awkward moment between father and son. And of course I will have to diffuse that moment, make it light, and probably say, “OK, that is not exactly one of the pictures I took today, but it also happens to be called sunshine.”

Then I will scroll to the next picture of a boat and and another sunrise, but the ass picture will have stolen the moment from us and we would not be able to bring back that innocence. Of course we will act as if that ass moment didn’t happen and move on like we didn’t see it; hear no ass, see no ass, kind of thing. But that night, once we have all gone to bed, he will probably go to his bedroom, ease himself at the edge of his bed and pick his Bible and flip it to 1John:1:8, which says, “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” Then he will pray again, for my soul and the soul of the assumed woman who took that picture to spread evil and to derail the good hearts of good men and – unbeknownst to him – the disturbed soul of the Whatsapp group member who shared that picture.

Then he will get into bed, reach out and switch off the overhead light. For a moment he will lie there face up, staring into the darkness, and because he is still all flesh and all man, he will think of that ass and he will sigh and say, “This generation is seeing some good shit.”

Of course that didn’t happen. It didn’t happen because there wasn’t any lewd pictures before and after the sunrise shots. He looked at my sunrise pics, feigning interest and then asked me what I was going to do with them. I told him I was going to use one on my Instagram and Facebook. “Oh, I know Facebook,” he said proudly and I wanted to hand him a plaque. Hey, give Simon over here the biggest plaque you have, he knows Facebook!

I had forgotten my toothbrush so I went back to the backyard and plucked a branch from this tree that you can use a toothbrush if you are, say, stranded in a bush or an island. OK, you can’t use the whole tree as a toothbrush, just a branch. I snapped a small twig, peeled it’s bark, chewed on the end to create bristles and spread some toothpaste on it. I walked around brushing my teeth, feeling very debonaire and innovative. I ran into my sister’s son, an 8-year old boy called Garvin, a tech junkie who had been walking around with a PSP in his hands the entire time. He was completely taken by the sight of a twig in my mouth.

What is that?!” He asked looking up with wonder.

A twig.” I said. “Like a branch from a tree.”

Are you eating it?”

I’m brushing my teeth with it.”

He laughed.

You don’t have a toothbrush?” he asked me and I said I hate toothbrushes then walked away. Silly kids! Where were they when we were fighting the white man? Later, a friend sent me a message and asked me to send a picture of the so-called “simbas” that jango’s talk about. So I sent and she said, “Wow, it looks nice, I thought it was like a hut.”

Ha. A hut.

I was in shags over the entire Easter period, and I did some small series of posts on my Instagram. Of course what that meant is that my friends (mostly Kikuyu, but also Meru and a few Kaos) kept asking questions about shags. Interesting questions, yes, but also very ignorant. My Kisii friends don’t ask these questions, mainly because most Kisiis are not on Instagram. They will join in 2018.

I would like to take the pleasure to answer those questions here in greater detail. So here, the most common questions Kikuyus ask about Nyanza.

Have you ever seen a nightrunner before?

Yes. Once at Explorer Tavern. He was ordering his whisky in singles and flooding it with six ice cubes. His lips looked cold and dead.

Also in my shags, behind our boma, lives a nightrunner. Of course we all know he’s a nightrunner, they have that walk. His kids will be nightrunners. His kid’s kids will move to the city and be nightrunners, only they will not run along Oloitoktok road at night, they will run at Karura at dawn. A night runner’s tongue spits fire at night, he runs buck naked and he hurls himself on doors and pours sand on your roof and can smell fear. He can also tell if there is a Kikuyu visiting in a house in Nyanza. In fact, the moment you land in Kisumu they will smell you all the way from Mbita. Don’t come to Nyanza because a nightrunner will seek you out and lick the soles of your feet as you sleep. I know because one licked mine and I’m embarrassed to say that it was sort of erotic. Sort of.

Will you bring me fish?

So that you eat it with chapos? So that you say the fish is staring at you? So that you eat it with a fork? No, I will not bring you fish. Also, not all of us live by the lake. Have you ever heard of Olambwe? Didn’t think so. It’s far. It’s a valley, like Rift Valley. And they don’t have a lake. What about Migori? No Lake. Rarieda? No lake. Chemelil? No Lake. Not all shags have a lake. Besides fish is more expensive in these areas than in Nairobi.

Do you know kina Felix’s shags?

Felix is from Siaya. I’m from South Nyanza. Those are two worlds apart. We are both Luo and sure, you can’t tell who is who when they speak Luo, but we can tell. The guys from Siaya all speak funny. They say stuff like, “mita in?” We say “to in?” Obviously you can tell by just reading that aloud that ours is a more refined lingo, no? Having said that, not all of us come from the same place. There are Njoroges from Molo and Njoroges from Kianderi, donge? How do you think Njoroge from Molo feels when you ask him if he sees Njoroge from Kianderi when he goes to shags? Do you think he will be a teamplayer? Will he see you in intelligent light? Will your question further your friendship? Don’t you think he will ask you to stand in a corner?

Is it true that when a husband dies, the wife is to sleep with the body?

Actually traditionally you were meant to ‘sleep’ NEXT to the body. I suspect it was a direct translation, “nindo gi….”’ to mean spending the night WITH the coffin. That’s why during funerals you see madhes sitting around the coffin the whole night. The white man called it a ‘wake’. You stay up and mourn with the bereaved. We make a ruckus during funerals, yes, and we slaughter animals yes, but we draw the line at sleeping with the dead. Surely.

What about tero buru? You know, wife inheritance, does it still happen?

Only if the said widow promises not to come with her weaves.

How do you catch omena, it’s so small and cute.

This is a good question, I will admit. Forget that rumour they tell you about fishing nets. That is hogwash that was started in Kinoo in 1987. Here is what you do to catch omena; You get a bunch of women and you sit them by the lake at night and you let them sing gospel music. Omenas love the word. They will come in droves and when they do the women catch them. While still singing.

And no, omena is not cute. Larry Madowo’s African print shirts are.

Do you use the same metallic basin for cooking and bathing? (Haha. I love this one!)

No! Come on, that’s ridiculous. We also use it for milking cattle.

How far is the nearest hospital?

The nearest hospital is Kenyatta National Hospital.

Why are there less toilets in Luoland?

This was a question that a friend of mine called Njoki asked on Saturday. The thing with writing satire and what can pass as humour is that people will ask you insulting questions and not expect you to take offence because really, you do satire sometimes, yes? Some offend me, but most amuse me. This offended me for about three minutes and I stared at her whatsapp for a while before going under a tree to do a yoga pose and control my breathing before answering her.

I asked gently, “How do you know there are less toilets in Luoland? Was there a poll by Ipsos Synovate?”

I know from experience.” She wrote back defiantly.

When we go for field work in Kisumu I can never get a toilet unless at the hotel.”

When you say Kisumu, do you mean Kisumu town or Kama’gambo?”

Hahaha. Kisumu County, but if you need exact locations I can go to the office on Tuesday and get you those names, so that this interrogation can go better with exact information.” (This one is sarcastic).

So I told her that there are plenty of toilets in Luoland if she cared enough to look. There are bushes and rocks and in valleys and on hills. Some go in the river. We work with nature.

I also think our luo leaders should install loos in the remote villages just incase NGO types like Njoki get the sudden urge to use a bathroom while on their field work. And please have some air freshener in there as well.

I thought you lived in huts?

We do. But Jakom sent a strict directive that when sending pictures of our homes to people from Central we should send one the pictures from the approved file images sent in by the luo council of elders. No luo is allowed to send pictures of the huts they live in. It paints a bad picture. (See what I did there?) It’s bad enough that the presidency eludes us; we can’t send pictures of our huts as well. It’s damaging. We need to support Jakom on this and not embarrass him with our hut pictures. So we don’t. But yes, we live in huts. And they have wifi.

Image Source: Global Health

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    1. Wait you’ve never been number one? Not even in Kindergarten? Even in entering a mathree? Or maybe you mean here. Yes? Okay I get it now. But how about next time you are the first one you stand up and yell in spiritual powers wherever you are and then calm down and write a sane commen 🙂 Somthing like Good read Biko! Or What the hell Biko! Or ask Biko about his forehead or simply declare your undying love. How about that? And by the way have you ever been to Biko’s shags Kisumu? That place is hot as hell. And they all use metalic basins. You take the basin and put cold water then place it strategically in the sun and rest under the tree and vwalla! Your water heats up in kedo 4o minutes. They also don’t hide like us kuyus when taking showers. They just do it there.

  1. Hahahahahahahaha. .. wewe this one is good.. am a kuyu n I’ve never asked some questions even though they do ask

  2. yes i know you said you bending over his shoulder but did that word need to be there and soon after you mention ass!!May God forgive

  3. those who doubt synovate research. they called me, asked which station(s) I watch then she ran out of credit.
    Now that I have their number maybe we can do that research on toilets

  4. “OK, that is not exactly one of the pictures I took today, but it also happens to be called sunshine.” And I bet it was smiling.
    And no, omena is not cute. Larry Madowo’s African print shirts are. *shots fired* Cackling loudly in the office. Thank you Biko. Again.

  5. Hahaha. Am in stitches! Very funny! I see “Bungu” tings is well represented hehe. Truth be told Siaya guys should stop insisting that they speak Jang lol… That is some foreign language we know not. This ginene is too dope!

  6. Hahahhaha..good to know about wife inheritance,but maybe its time you let go of the weave fight and start on corsets?
    Awesome read as always!

  7. Haha. Nice one there Biko. I’m also planning on going to shags after the semester ends. 6 years later I’ll step on Nyakach Gem Rae Grounds. I’m waiting to see the changes that have taken place.

  8. Not everyone is from Kisumu. Not all Luos love fish and ohangla. Gendia is also a hospital. And yeah…those Siaya guys speak weird. And we’re generally easy with night runners. As long as they don’t directly do something to you. Unless you too like your feet being licked. Better some night exercise than none at all, amirite?

  9. My people shall not take this lying down. Or standing up. Or running in the night. WE are Instagram *goes to starts a Kisiis on Instagram account*

  10. “My Kisii friends don’t ask these questions, mainly because most Kisiis are not on Instagram. They will join in 2018”.Haha really?

  11. That old pier reminds the day i went to nyombo….took a drive there afterwards just to gaze at the sunset…beautiful!

  12. When you get onto the ferry or a boat at Lwanda Kotieno to those remote villages in the South …. That Lake/pier/beach is in Rarieda, the land of my mother. Mad achak awinj kiwacho ni onge nam Rarieda Ja-South motarore ni!

  13. Ha ha ha,quite a read.Brushing your teeth with a twig from a tree…mmh..very nostalgic.

    I have to admit,i used to ask my luo friends,some pretty dumb questions abot their shags…he he he..especially about the culture,it was pure ignorance..i totally enjoyed how you answered those questions Biko.

  14. Why do you use the same metallic basin to shower and cook ugali is the most hilarious question.

    But to be honest I have seen it happening.
    http://www.treatsonabudget.co.ke/wine-tasting-a-taste-of-austria/

  15. Hahaha, don’t be like that Chocolate man. Remember you once asked a Samburu (thinking he was a Maasai) if he had ever killed a lion? BTW, how is Kisumu?… hehehehe

  16. I think that person has lived in Nairobi all their life and expects Public toilets wherever they go. They are the same people who expect to find bottled water and Tuzo milk when they go to places like Nyandarua.

  17. You nailed it Biko. loved it to the end. Those questions actually are asked and many more, I am from Meru and everyone thinks we have a Miraa plantation, to be frank, I only see them on TV.

  18. I always ask my luo friends to bring me fish. I won’t ask again cos now i know. But then, they always ask if i can bring Miraa. Not all of Meru grows miraa. Donge?

  19. My friends call me the ,,Queen of sarcasm”! Well, I have just met my ,,King”…in a friend-way 🙂
    Great read, and oh the answers were E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

  20. Hahaha. Aki biko now that was sooooo hilarious! By the way i also thought you guys live in huts… How i would like to get married to a luo. I just love you guys ( probably from kendu).

      1. Mainly i want to do it because of mama (she hates jangos). I remember one time she called me to tell me of a dream she had had, that i had met a luo in college and he had married me. She gave me stern warnings not to ‘take’ a luo to her. If she knew that i already know some few luo words that i will use when i am taken to dala!

  21. No lake in Migori? Really? Ever heard of Migingo Island? No? Well, that’s in Migori County. And don’t believe everything that madman Museveni says.

  22. Looking forward to exploring that region..things have changed so much. Last time I was in Kisumu I was impressed. (Early 2010).

  23. Ati you send photos approved by the luo council of elders, today you outdid yourself biko, great piece. loved how you enlighten ‘us’ people fron the other side.
    ..seriously though did you bring us fish now that we know that you were on a pier.
    by the way can you use the leso as a fishnet? haha

  24. Biko, this was written harboring a lot of strife. Still funny, witty, amazing… to end even prolific. But the strife, take like easy Biko

  25. Enjoyed reading this thoroughly. Thanks Chocolate man. I have been Luo for 14 years now and can you imagine the questions that never end?

  26. This….
    “My Kisii friends don’t ask these questions, mainly because most Kisiis are not on Instagram. They will join in 2018.”
    Only Biko gets away with this!

  27. We do not think omena are cute… Most of us don’t eat things that stare back at us. But this is a great piece, you spilled your heart out on this one… I will ask you a question the next time you go there…

  28. I t was a long Holiday but I did not manage to go to he shags .Its remind me of life in shags it was really enjoyable.

  29. Biko you should have asked Njoki to start her own “toilet planting NGO”, wouldn’t she make money off some donors as she takes her numbers 1 & 2 without hustle in luoland??

  30. finally I get to understand this “we cook on basin thing” I never understood this part kumbe ni karaya mar kuon that removes odeyo

  31. This moment, “OK, that is not exactly one of the pictures I took today, but it also happens to be called sunshine.” hehe
    And it’s true, the lingo in South is far better than the Siaya one

  32. I asked gently, “How do you know there are less toilets in Luoland? Was there a poll by Ipsos Synovate?”

    Hahaha

  33. heheheheheheheh… you are one crazy Luo….did you see the Honey moon Beach resort as you drive in the Pier ….heheheheheh

  34. Waah Kisiis will have a feat when they read this. So funny! But the toilet thing is a menace in all honesty, not the lack of it but rather lack of proper disposal of waste. But nice read as usual! But is it true that you guys bathe communally in a river, women and kids in one corner and men in another with cows drinking in the middle of the river to create a barri

  35. Waah Kisiis will have a feat when they read this. So funny! But the toilet thing is a menace in all honesty, not the lack of it but rather lack of proper disposal of waste. But nice read as usual! But is it true that you guys bathe communally in a river, women and kids in one corner and men in another with cows drinking in the middle of the river to create a barrier….lol

  36. was at the Pier on Sunday ,great place,kwanza there’s a bar at the left just crowns it,but indeed lots need to be done over there
    on the crazy questions,haha ,great great answers,especially the fish part,

  37. You are still smarting about that dearth of loos query, and your answer is a defensive whimper struggling for bluster.What happened? Raw nerve?

  38. “Siutakam na samaki?”. This is a statement I had to deal with for an entire three years I used to stay in Kisumu. Apparently everyone from Kiambu believes there is this magical place in Luoland where they hand you fish to take to foreigners. I am a kuyu and I don’t each fish often. Infact for the three years I only ate kedo 3 and a half fishes. But the funny part is that my folks thought I all I was eating in Kisumu was fish. Like fish and cinnamon tea, fish and mango juice, fish and Ugali over lunch, Chocolate cakes and fish, and Fish with Ugali and Mrenda for supper. And they though fish makes people smarter. This I am not sure where it came from but I sure hope fish does that. Now Biko its very fishy when you wear a vest and leso and say you’ve gone to take pictures of the sunrise – your papa would have serious questions about your sexual orientation.And just to be sure are you a nightrunner? Even a little?

  39. Hehehe…I expected to see one of the photos you took of SUNRISE

    Biko, it’s debonair….

    Some night-runners are known to leave a dollop of….outside one’s verandah…

  40. The splintered blue wooden doors are a classic even in my home town Fort Portal,Uganda. That surely stirred some good memories with my granny “mukaaka”.
    The sarcasm about the luo committee made me think of Nollywood elders’ village meetings.

    A wonderful read,this. Good graces.

    1. And whats wrong with plastic shoes? They are within financial reach for most women. The most expensive plastic shoe a.k.a condom shoe is 250. If you look well enough you can get one for 80 bob. Where is the problem?

  41. I had really missed this blog. It’s been days since I last was here. You don’t know how grateful I am that you had this post up. I also get annoying questions. I’m from western and trust me some Kenyans are so ignorant and clueless about ethnic communities in this country the people. It even gets worse if you work or school in an area where there’s only few of you from your community. Folks bother you with stereotypes and myths about your place, and if you fail to confirm to what they are saying, they say you’re lying. So sickening!

  42. Lakini chocolate man, as a fellow Kisii descendant, I am perplexed; what did these Kisii people do to you, or your kin?
    Is the damage reversible?
    Will an offering of matoke and Chinsaga be enough to repair this broken bridge?
    🙂 🙂 🙂

  43. This one left me in stitches. Best read I have come across in a while. Kisumu sounds like a very interesting place.

  44. waah..Biko you need kuwekelewa mkono na pastor. Those quizzes are annoying but at least they are genuine…? Huts with WIFI cracked by ribs..Jangos don’t disclose their little secrets like living in huts..mjaluo ni kujichocha..NICE READ THOUGH..

  45. I like Garvin 🙂 but about toilets, don’t even try to deny it! a decade ago that was a vision 2030 kinda storo!

  46. How do you catch omena, it’s so small and cute.Ha hahahahaha…..It just laughable
    .I like the answer of that question.

  47. Finally you have responded to the many ignorant questions asked by our fellow country men/women.
    Sarcasm galore.

  48. Biko you have to mention Kikuyus…you forgot to anwer “Do Luos farm or only depend on fish?” Oh no, that can’t be a Q it is usually a statement usually by persons who have never been to Nyanza
    #hilarious

  49. Do you use the same metallic basin for cooking and bathing? (Haha. I love this one!)
    No! Come on, that’s ridiculous. We also use it for milking cattle.

    Hahahaha this is some funny shit, Jackson

  50. HAHAHAHA! I love it! my ribs are still in pain because of the laughing…wat did we Okuyus do to you surely! but btw were we told all those things wen we were young so understand our ignorance

  51. Does it help that am from Kianderi? Typical kuyo behavior huh! A big S/O to my Kianderi peeps, Njoroge et all,lol

    1. But there needs to be a common stand. I read a story by Magunga who wrote that a night runner always pooped at their doorstep. 😮 Who are we to believe?

  52. And didn’t you take missus with you to shags? It’s high time she gets used to the antics of that nightrunner staying behind your homestead!

  53. “The ugly domestic dog with no name had been herded back into its kennel kicking and yelping”
    That pretty sums up my childhood.
    *long story*

  54. @peter wesh clearly you have issues with people who fight for position one while am still hustling for it.
    Thanks biko you have answered my burning questions, but what is the possibility that the promised widow won’t come with her weaves, very very minimal.
    More clarification on how omena are caught, do the women really sing gospel songs, Really!!! Whoa!!!

  55. Kendu bay does really exist huh??I thought that’s a line guys are just using
    Trying to imagine your dad laying on his bed thinking about ASS!!kwisha maneno

  56. On the floor……love the piece,am the kao that eats fish like a luo coz i have a liking for luos….what is joloka?And BTW Biko you are banned from Kafunda !

  57. Good read as always. Have to share with my mum, and of course my fellow choristers “how to catch omena”. Classic!

  58. Hahahahaha, I have literaly died while reading this!! Biko you still are insane!!

    Great writing!!

  59. A good read, Biko. I’m definitely sharing with my mum, and my fellow choristers “how to catch omena”. Classic!

  60. I wonder how he would react though, given that he’s now in church and he loves the Corinthians. I wonder how that moment would be when I’m there bending over his shoulder, showing him these pictures and suddenly, boom! An ass. You can’t even pretend it’s anything but. You can’t say it’s a picture of a drumstick taken at a very creative angle. And for a moment we stare at that ass and the ass stares back at us and we are both sure that there is never going to be a more awkward moment between father and son. And of course I will have to diffuse that moment, make it light, and probably say, “OK, that is not exactly one of the pictures I took today, but it also happens to be called sunshine.”

  61. Here is what you do to catch omena; You get a bunch of women and you sit them by the lake at night and you let them sing gospel music. Omenas love the word. They will come in droves and when they do the women catch them. While still singing.
    #dead#

  62. “This generation is seeing some real good shit”. hehehe…
    You’ll have corrupted the mind of Deacon Simon, the lover of the Corinthians..

  63. Now, about those pictures… si you post them on instagram so we can have a look.. (some of us are not from Kisii hehehehe) To all the peeps from Central… who ask those questions… I will hold my tongue… and say only, welcome to the Wild Wild West… the land of milk and honey! It is a lovely place… 🙂

  64. Take it easy Biko. It’s never that serious. Reminds me of how I always ask my luo friends to bring me fis whenever they visit shags lol.

  65. You live in huts and they have Wi-Fi, but do you say! Anyway, the ignorance guys have about other people’s shagz is jaw-dropping. No wonder stereotypes do so well.

  66. Do you use the same metallic basin for cooking and bathing? (Haha. I love this one!)

    No! Come on, that’s ridiculous. We also use it for milking cattle. Hahahahahahaahaahhaaaa nice!!!

  67. I definately love the article, i love LUO shags, i would love to have someone sing me the Omena Fishing Songs and drawns me to them. i dont mind faling in love to someone who can sing and seduce Omena

  68. … and because he is still all flesh and all man, he will think of that ass and he will sigh and say, “This generation is seeing some good shit.”….whaat a punchline frm ur old man…

  69. I can read this again and again. Meanwhile, you can also catch my content here.. https://georgeach.wordpress.com/2016/04/08/a-weekend-home/

  70. “Don’t come to Nyanza because a nightrunner will seek you out and lick the soles of your feet as you sleep…” This one killed me
    You’re clearly in the wrong business.. Try comedy