Bring Back The Movies

   122    
2

The famed millennials are now too busy making memes, creating a storm online and tinkering with the internet and things that support the internet. Everything is on the internet now; jokes, houses, movies, series, medical consultation, food and girls. The invention of the DM has cocked up seduction. Grabbed it by a fistful of hair and dragged it to the river and then drowned it. A whole pack of marauding men roam the landscapes of social media- Tinder, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter – hiding behind the veil of the DM, selling dreams and romance and whirlpools of passion. Then when the bait is bitten they yank it to Whatsapp. Once it’s done on Whatsapp it’s taken to a loud bar where it’s hoisted onto a high stool and then chemical warfare is left to drive the last nail in. Charming.

Nobody talks anymore. Not in person. Talk is cheap. By the year 2020 the phrase Face-to-Face will be dead. Men will not sit at tables across women to present their case because they will have no language for that. I shudder to imagine what Kim and his ilk will be doing in 2032 when out with girls. I think they will be conversing using real-time dating apps.

Back in the 90’s mothers used to lock their girls indoors. Not like in a dark basement kind of thing, but they were not exactly allowed out to mingle freely with boys. You had to have a reason to leave the house, which left you with few options if you liked the girl in House 34. You had the option of getting her school address and writing her a letter when school was on, which was probably the last option because letters took a week to be delivered. Sometimes you could wait and wait for a reply, and if it didn’t come it would leave you confused. You could not be sure if she had received it and hated it, or if she had actually replied but someone else took it, or if the letter boy had dropped it or if the postman had even sent it in the first place! Your fate was left in the hands of many small unpredictable gods. Too many moving parts.

The other option would be to wait for the said girl to leave the house in the evening to go buy bread or eggs or tomatoes in the nearby kiosk. This was a cliffhanger because you had a small window of about 10mins to either stop her or walk beside her as you present your case. You didn’t have the pleasure of 140 characters which you could craft and re-craft until they were perfect. There were no smileys. You didn’t have a meme to make her laugh, you told a real joke (which you didn’t pick off Facebook). Of course you were nervous and your hands got sweaty but you had only this chance because you never knew when she would be let out next. This option was particularly arduous because mothers drilled it into their daughter’s heads that when you spoke to boys you got pregnant. That boys were infected with babies and that the very act of GREETING a boy might render you pregnant and you would drop out of school, bring untold disrepute and shame to the family and you would be ferried to shags where you would give birth and you life would be over. Over! So girls didn’t suffer us. The duel, then, became us against mothers’ propaganda. How do you overturn that cock and bull that the mother had fed into her head?

The other option would be to call her landline. If their father picked up you would hang up. If their mother picked up you would hang up. Sometimes mothers would pick up the extension in the bedroom and listen in on your  conversation. Then she would be given a long lecture at night and the next day she would not even know your name. Let’s just say that mothers were serial cockblockers.

The other option was to befriend her brother. That guaranteed you easy access to their house. You always made sure that you had new things to give her brother; like recorded music on those TDH cassettes. If you had the new Immature or Naughty By Nature cassette you would be very happy to share it with him. You have Rambo 2 VHS cassette, maybe you can come over to his house to watch? Then you were in their very house, your shoes removed at the door (in the 90’s shoes were always left at the door) and you would slowly get friendly with his sister. She would get comfortable with you. But often mothers saw through this foxy move and curtailed you at the next corner. Mothers were always a step ahead and you never won.

Of course such things never really ended up anywhere. The most she did was kiss you as she headed for home from the kiosk in the cover of darkness. It was hurried and you were lucky if she didn’t break your tooth. But then we would all graduate high school and she would realise that talking to boys actually didn’t make anyone pregnant. Mother lied. (Teren teren).

That window between high school and college was when you had a better shot. So you did what everybody else was doing in the 90’s; you bought her chicken-in-a-basket, a concept that was just taking shape, and you took her to watch a movie. Of course you didn’t care about the movie one bit. You could have gone to watch a movie about men who plant and water trees for all you care, but the very thought of sitting there next to her for two hours was heady. Maybe she would be gracious enough to reach out and hold your hand, or lay her head on your broad, strong shoulders, or if your stars were aligned and the gods were on your side she would let you kiss her.

The movies were romantic. You bought popcorn, a soda and a hotdog. Never mind that she had eaten chicken in a basket. Back in the day girls ate. This nonsense about counting calories wasn’t there. Carbohydrates hadn’t found their way into the doghouse. Nobody skipped dinner ati because it would make them fat. So she ate a hotdog. Happily.

The movies weren’t just cultural beacons, they were meeting points as well, like landmarks. You either waited at 20th Century or at Kenya Cinema. Saturday you would find guys waiting there. People knew what to do with themselves when they didn’t have a mobile phone in their hands to distract them. You stood and you waited. And you waited. The cruelest thing a girl can do to a millennial now, I guess, is to block unfollow him – unfriend him and then block him . Oh boy such heartbreak. Back then it was to wait at Kenya Cinema until you realise that she had stood you up.And you would only know after you had waited for three hours past the agreed time. Three hours standing on your feet! You couldn’t even leave to grab water lest she came and didn’t find you.

After three hours you would call their landline and their Lunje help (the one who shouted into the phone like she was speaking to someone far away in Ikolomani) would pick up. You would ask if Sally was home and she would shout, “NGOJA NIMUITE!” You would hear the receiver being dropped onto the table and then a brief silence followed by sounds of footsteps – Sally’s footsteps – and then the sound of the receiver being picked up and Sally’s voice, small and brittle, saying, “Hello?”. Without sounding accusatory you would ask her what happened and she would say that visitors showed up abruptly and her mom asked her to help cook. Again, mom the cockblocker.

Then the movies died. Or we grew up. I don’t know.

Now we all have movie guys. Kina Charlie, Mutua and Freddie. We binge on series. We bought home theater systems and brought the theater to our homes.

 

I got an invite from the Crimson Multimedia, they distribute movies from major studios to all cinemas in East and West Africa. They wanted me to go watch Eddie The Eagle which premiered last week and I thought, ‘Movies? Do people still actually go to movies?’ I asked a friend of mine if people actually went to the movies anymore and he said, “I think Indians still do.” (Haha. Ignore him). I said I would rather watch Batman VS Superman (showing now) because a movie like Eddie The Eagle sounded like one of those movies you watch from the DVD not in a theater. But he said, “Come on, this movie is very good”, so I attended the premier at 11am. I remember how surreal it was sitting in the theater with some journalist (it was a media invite) seated behind me, actively having a conversation with someone. I told myself I’d not fret because we play for the same team and I’m a child of God and I seek peace in my heart, but at some point I had to turn around and ask him if he didn’t awfully f’ckin mind!??

Eddie the Eagle was a fantastic movie. If you are battling self doubt, if you are at a point in your life where you want to do something but you are riddled with guilt and insecurity, watch this movie. If people keep telling you that can’t do something, watch this movie. If you want to do something but everybody keeps saying nobody has succeeded in it before, watch this movie. If you like popcorn, watch this movie. It doesn’t sound like a big screen movie, but try it on a big screen, it will surprise you in many ways and it will leave you feeling hopeful and rooted onto something grand.

Eddie The Eagle

 

For me, going back to the theater just brought a lot of good post-teenage memories. Sitting there in darkness in a cool room. It was like sitting in a train of nostalgia that is going round and round and round.

The movies shouldn’t die. We shall keep our Charlies and Mutuas but once in awhile we will go watch something special. Take someone special because the theater gives you major points. It says you aren’t all about drinking and eating nyama choma. Take someone to the movies. If you are in your 30’s, come on, have a crack at nostalgia. If you are a millennial, all you have to do is sit there and act like a gentleman. How difficult can that be? You can lean in and whisper in her ear, “ What scent is that?” even if you can’t smell shit. She will smile in darkness and try remember what she wore, like she has fifty scents and she will say, “Uhm, Narciso Rodriguez, you like it?” You will say, “On you.” Then look away. That’s many bonga points, my friend. Many.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

2
122 Comments
  1. In campo, when someone invited you for a movie in their room, it was more often than not an invitation to chudex. And you would know, because the host would have already prepared Original Sin starring Antonio Banderas and Angelina Jolie. There is a scene there!

    1. @ Magunga: Looks like you belong to the ‘Netflix & chill’ tribe:)
      I hardly go to the movies these days; I feel like TV nowadays offers a much more interesting buffet…so much to enjoy so little time

  2. Yes, bring back the movies and enjoy the joys of waiting for the next disney flick or the latest segment of Harry Potter. Pure bliss man!

  3. Beautiful. I remember Christmas in my days used to be crowned with movie ya 5bob. The stench of sweat in those tu small “theaters” hehe but it was still beautiful and memorable.

  4. Theater romance :)…and just like Sally, I’m pretty sure that impromptu visitors would be my excuse for keeping a man waiting 3hrs hehe.

  5. Magunga you used to call that Chudex? Really? Sound like a rubber brand to me! We called it coitus – I still smile when someone says coitus. It sounds like those memories. And about this thingy of going to the cinema I think its for people who are dating and have run out of things to do and if they watch the movie in their house they will not get anywhere past halfway without chudexing. If I am to go for a movie nauko iMax it has to be like a really really big one like Satar Wars or Deadpool not the ones that look like nigerian casts with superman in between there. Anyway I am no killjoy please people go and watch movies at a cinema. :). For once maybe.

  6. This has reminded me of Odeon Cinema in Nakuru, and how when my dad was feling sufficietly philanthropic would take me there to watch indian movies there-and sometimes i would sneak from home and go there with my friend paul, it was the best feeling for me, cozit was one of those rare moments i remember hanging out with my dadand honestlt i miss those moments.

  7. This has reminded me of Odeon Cinema in Nakuru, and how when my dad was feling sufficietly philanthropic would take me there to watch indian movies there-and sometimes i would sneak from home and go there with my friend paul, it was the best feeling for me, coz it was one of those rare moments i remember hanging out with my dadand honestly i miss those moments.

  8. Chocolate man, please take Tamms and Kim to watch movies – I do it atleast once every school break and my girls love it! And truth be told, I do enjoy the movies for kids that are always showing… And take Mrs. with you, she’ll enjoy herself (and you’ll earn bonga points too)

  9. Yes people still go to the movies and I am one of them. There movies that you just have to eatch on the big screen to really appreciate them…

  10. “The cruelest thing a girl can do to a millennial now, I guess, is to block unfollow him – unfriend him and then block him” he he millennials ave missed several beats….its jst a pity

  11. Sometimes mothers would pick up the extension in the bedroom and listen in on
    your conversation…..Spot on! In as much as I wanted to just tell mum to
    mind her damn business, those days such words would not even dare come out of
    one’s mouth!!!

  12. Ahaaa, the movies. I watched countless movies in campus JKUAT assembly hall. In the late 90s, a pentium II connected to a OHP and a big bass speaker is all you needed to survive! Truly nostalgic.

  13. Absolutely for this…a guy friend asked me where he should take his date, I said a movie or play and he thought I was nuts, think I’ll send this to him

    1. A play… That’s probably even more classy than a movie. Shows intellect and a fancy for the arts. bonga pointsX3 hehe..

  14. “You could have gone to watch a movie about men who plant and water trees for all you care” ……hahahahahaha this line!

  15. I’m not old, (said every woman ever). Really, I don’t consider myself old and I don’t think I’m a millennial either but I think no one can go wrong with a movie date. Especially first dates. It’s cute and romantic..ish without being overwhelming and there’s no pressure for deep conversation…

    1
  16. What?! You mean there are other ways than a Brickleberry omnibus,a green polythene bag wrapped around the fluorescent tube(to change the light from white to green) and a box of cookies.

  17. Haha I’m no millennial but somehow missed the movies on the big screen. I however was among the biggest fans ofthose Bruce lee, Jackie Chan, Commando, Rambo, Vietnam (kijeshi) movies-those that debuted Dj Afro’s predecessors hehe….maybe I should watch Eddie the Eagle and get the experience

  18. Millennial moment “Remember the primary school movies, where you were told to come with blankets to cover the windows”. Then there was this Catholic Priest from Jogoo road, used to go around Nairobi primary schools screening movies (Jesus of Nazareth) free. God Bless his soul.

  19. I didn’t enjoy the big screen experience, because in my village,
    there is still no big screen :), but just to remind myself how it felt to come the the big city,
    I should go watch this :). www.shesatomboy.com

  20. I’ve been reminded of how we used to look for opportunities to meet girls back then. When she didn’t have brothers, and never went to the kiosk for shopping, church was another option. Or kesha. Or, my favorite, those weekend crusades!!

  21. Wow nostalgia nostalgia. I have been to the movies in years. If the Eddie the Eagle is showing I will go this weekend.

  22. Life was hard those days… but good! the waiting was unbearable the anticipation of seeing her appear from around the corner was palpable… it kept you going… waiting for those three hours until you realised she wasn’t coming! But we never gave up… next Sato we would be back again… 🙂 the reward was too good to pass up… two hours with her in the dark… in a movie theatre… Heaven!!! So yes… bring back the movies… they are sooo much fun!!! This a true #Throwback moment… I can see myself at Kenya Cinema right now… I hear it became a Church? Has anyone been there lately?

    1. Yea that’s true most of the movie theaters have been taken over by churches. Nairobi Cinema, Kenya Cinema and so many others.

      1. apart from 20th which changed name to Imax.

        I have been going to 20th(now Imax) for close to 15 yrs now, I remember taking my date(current wife) there for a special valentines screening of “gone with the winds”. Let’s just say I earned bonga points both in the relationship and in bed….That was our 3rd date.

  23. I go to the movies…at least every Wednesday night at Prestige, its only 200/- its my thing..i go alone and i looove it! Lets be honest the popcorn and hotdog doesn’t even taste the same, if you decided to operate your MaDVD connect and watch at home, not forgetting the probability of falling asleep.. I am surprised that people stopped going to the cinema, and i can confirm that its only Indians who still go to the movies

  24. The “if you’s” you described up there…that is me…and so I will watch Eddie the eagle…beautifully penned as always

  25. I once invited a girl for a movie in campus. She was hesitant at first but after the experience every first Friday of the month was movie’s night. It’s always such a great experience. Unfortunately I waited too long for the ‘mangoes’ to ripen while all along someone was ‘eating them with salt’ after the movie nights.

    1. “Unfortunately I waited too long for the ‘mangoes’ to ripen while all along someone was ‘eating them with salt’ after the movie nights.” Hahahaha. Am dead. Izea boss.

  26. Wah! This article has reminded me of a time I had waited for eons to take out a chick that I had set my sights on for a movie. We agreed on a date. Cometh the day, and the hour, she showed up ( Yay!)Those days, the mere fact that a chick has showed up was points up on the board before you begin talking. It meant she is interested in you. You got to substract the points if you run out of stories, sweat profusely like a thug who is being chased, pour the food on yourself or worse, her and embarrasing her, or end up not being fun company as she had hoped.
    We went to the theatre. This is 20th Century. I had the movie lined up (it was an action one… I can’t remember which one for reasons shared hereunder..but, I never go to the the theatre for any other genre fyi). Once I pointed to the board the movie I had intended for us to watch, she was like, “Noooooo….I can’t watch this. It is too scary for me!”. She said she’d rather watch Legally Blonde. I felt like I was throwing away good hard-earned money but, since I really wanted to spend time with her, I caved into her demand and we went for it- Legally Blonde.
    The movie started. 5 minutes into it, a couple who were a row beneath us started making out and they were all over each other. Internally, I was like “Damn! I wish I was that guy!He has it going good for me” but, I kept it civil, and more importantly, the course of my blood was still in the head and not elsewhere (or so I think).
    Later, I mustered the courage to put my arm around her shoulder and she made herself comfortable by nestling her head on my shoulder. I am sure at the point my heart made a fist and punched the air :). It was a surreal feeling – which I still feel whenever I see reruns of the movie on DSTV.
    At the end, I got a goodbye kiss and went home oozing machismo and walking the LL Cool J walk like “Hell yeah!!!”. I still remember the movie and that feeling. Too bad the “youngins” will never know the hussle of dating pre-cell phone era. Sigh!

  27. Sweet old days…truly nostalgic.

    A brother somewhere should use that last bit as a line on a chica somewhere…really,he is going to score some serious points..

    Awesome read.

  28. Because mothers drilled it into their daughter’s heads that when you spoke to boys you got pregnant. That boys were infected with babies and that the very act of GREETING a boy might render you pregnant and you would drop out of school. Ha ha ha Biko, well said. Remind me of them days and guess what we believed every single word of it.

  29. My mum used to tell me that every time i let a boy touch my boobs they will stretch and sag to my stomach, so wen i made out with a kaboy (kwa bush) i wud keep his hands off my boobs so that they dont stretch n giv me away to my mum.oh the lies we were told!

  30. Awwww! How i wish i was born on those days when dating was dating. Lemme console myself, NOTHING is passed.

  31. Fox Drive In on thika road was it!
    Guys would sit on the bonnet of their cars with their backs against the windshield with their women lying next to them on their arm.
    Then try entertaining her with some jokes Jamo or Pato taught them while pretending their arm hadn’t ghadad as fuck.
    The drive in was always behind though.
    Does it still show?

  32. You will say, “On you.” Then look away. That’s many bonga points, my friend. Many.
    Hahaha Biko, that is really, really funny.

    Eric Ouma, whatever happened to our Indian Musical.. 😀

  33. I still occasionally go to the movies.on date night with my man or with my siblings.mostly blockbusters though and anything good on IMAX..but movies now are also really costly.the average college kid can badly afford that 1K for the ticket minus popcorn n hotdog soda and chocolate..so its off to Mutinda et al

    1. Those average college kids are the ones who drink 4k+ in a night with a date; It’s cheap to really date, In my time it was a movie(behind uchumi jogoo rd) and chips and chicken thereater.
      In campo, I used to take my date to hilton for a cup of coffee…Very cost effective(and memorable for a girl who has never been to Hilton) as compared to the guys who used to take their dates out for drinking.

  34. Reminds me of one time a cute bird agreed to go with me to a Mobile Cinema. 10mins into the show and cops are there, everybody makes a run for it. That girl could run.

  35. Dude! You’ve brought back memories of that wonderful soda in a paper cup from that 20th century Cinema soda dispenser. That was the best soda I’ve ever tasted! Not these plastic bottles we have today. It was great warm up for a good movie and a post-movie chat at the Dancing spoon. Oh, how we have so been robbed of life’s great pleasures!

  36. Took me back to my first movie experience at Suncity
    in Eastleigh when I was 8. Got a beating
    from my Dad but the movie (Mother India) was well worth it.
    The theatre bug seemingly stuck to this day.

  37. A movie at Imax/Prestige/Junction doesn’t come cheap. Thao plus….If it’s a date 3K plus. Better take her to dinner then we watch that movie at home for 50 bob later.

  38. Movies with the girls, my sisters, my baby… Awesome idea! But, I think movie dates are lame. You mean we need two hours of quiet? I’m all for conversation… It’s the ultimate bonga point earner..

  39. Hahaha. Nice read lol. Things are really changing very fast.Phrases such as ” Tukutane pale kwenye Mkz; i will slide in her DM, These streets are evil” et al is what i see online. Whoever bewitched us… Saitannn? No?

  40. Cassette tapes were TDK not TDH.. TDK 60 and TDK 90.
    One stunt that was guaranteed to pacify the Mum was knocking on their door armed with this very expensive revision book called Abbot Physics. The book wasn’t mandatory text book, was expensive and parents knew it was shared around. 🙂 This stunt required cojones the size of coconuts!
    Then there was the whistle.. she hears it and comes outside.. until the Mum learns it.. Arrrgghhhh.

  41. Hahaha, love the last paragraph. I do enjoy movies alot. Just done with superman vs batman. Now anticipating for jungle book

  42. I still go to the movies, especially when am in Kisumu and am staying at the Vic and Planet Media is just there… 🙂 Biko, mothers are know it all…wacha tu!But they are the reason we ended up so great 🙂 🙂

  43. Gosh, I feel like a 40 year old (sorry Biko) reading all these comments about the way people don’t watch movies anymore. My first preference for movies is always big screen!! Every week!

  44. I worry about the time when there’s a generation after mine, the millennials. Right now we are the centre of the world. everyone tries to figure out what we think, buy, and are. Everyone tells us how much worse off than them we are. One day we’ll do the same to the ones behind us. we’ve already started by bitching about short forms something that almost all of us used on social media a couple of years ago. We won’t know what they do with life. I’m just surprised that you think we don’t do to the movies. We go to the movies all the time. every new release has all these lines. Despite all the gadgets we still woo. Sending memes is great but a man must still have a natural wit, cool confidence and a chubby (if not fat, at least chubby wallet). The writing is great but you made that mistake people make when they are teenagers of thinking how unique they are and how nobody else is like them. We all learn it’s not true then we get older and forget. We think those behind us are worse/weaker/ whinier. We all do it

  45. Memories of when chivalry was alive and when boys/young men actually made an effort to be with a girl. I remember my mum timing me whenever she sent me to the shop especially if there were boys hanging around our area. Nowadays they call whatsapp messages and twitter DMs effort *roll’s eyes*

  46. Kwani when did guys stop removing shoes at the door? If my mother finds you in shoes in her house you might as well go and hang yourself.

  47. I still remember the 1st time I met with the girl from my village I had an eye for then happened to meet in Music festivals. We wrote each other and decided we were an item. When it came to meeting it was different story, my eloquence ended in the letters. I was a sweaty mess and had so many nervous farts, thankfully they were not loud or smelly (or so I hope). She noticed this and asked what was wrong but eventually all ended well.

  48. hahahahahaha (tears in my eyes)
    I remember 20th and Kenya Cinema guys used to go early so as to book seats for row Q,the last row at the top.

  49. You never actually watched the movie to the end because things would go down after the opening credits,or the lady left(kupandishwa mti) and/or your roomie returned from exile,so the fluorescent couldn’t overheat and set everything ablaze.

  50. Good Ol’ Days….and all dudes did was kiss touch kiss and touch some more!! Nowadays ni ‘Kudandia kama Ma’three!!! #IfearForThisGen

  51. I recently took my five year old daughter to the movies. She was “enchanted” to say the least. She begged that we should do so every weekend. Too bad i grew up in shaggs and my first movie date was on my 30th birthday. I do plan to keep taking my girl there though!

  52. got me reading reading n reading, on to this point….next thing is my very first #BIG_SCREEN moment, God Willing…at list I can save some sad feelings of regret n lost opportunities which indeed is all I got, now or right now.
    …. big up Biko a very wonderful piece…guyz rem u shld always take pictures….some kind cures or simply diminishes nostalgic moments.

  53. Nice read.I still love the traditional conversations not this digital hook ups and courting stuff.Bring back the movies and the good old times

  54. LoL! work has been hectic but i managed visiting the site..nice one Biko,My era had Facebook i think.but it was only accessible from cyber cafes and they charged 150 bob to open a FB account hehe that was 2007! Poleni kwa
    watu wa landline dating

  55. I’m in the DM generation and if this is anything to go by (biko’s claims) i would give up social media to experience such real past generation dating thrill ..giving up social media though,*roll eyes* not me.
    Thumbs up Biko that rocketed me to a generation i I didn’t know ish about.Now i know!damn i feel like a genius..:-)

  56. For a student movies are too expensive. Esp wth this 3D things! Give up. By I try every time to ensure I employ a student!
    Make a difference too

  57. Brings back memory of when I saved the grand sum of ksh200 for an entire month just to take Irene to the movies -who incidentally turned up 1 hour late trying to duck her mum. Aah ..memories! *grin*

  58. You can lean in and whisper in her ear, “ What scent is that?” even if you can’t smell shit. She will smile in darkness and try remember what she wore, like she has fifty scents and she will say, “Uhm, Narciso Rodriguez, you like it?” You will say, “On you.” Then look away. That’s many bonga points, my friend. Many.

    Biko is a smooth operator. He knows.

  59. “…Sometimes you could wait and wait for a reply, and if it didn’t come it would leave you confused. You could not be sure if she had received it and hated it, or if she had actually replied but someone else took it, or if the letter boy had dropped it or if the postman had even sent it in the first place! Your fate was left in the hands of many small unpredictable gods. Too many moving parts…”hahahaha am on the floor.
    Those were the days girls were hard to get without necessarily playing hard to ge

  60. WOW this is a throwback if ever there was one. When men were men and put in alot of effort to woo a woman. #sigh#

  61. ……. it’s hoisted onto a high stool and then chemical warfare is left to drive the last nail in.
    …..Talk is cheap.
    Fantastic literary! Huge fan Biko from Germany