A Kenyan lady somewhere in the Europe sent a message to my inbox: “Hello Jackson, I know that many Kenyans out there are roasting girls over this issue of girls going out with guys old enough to be their fathers. It is also happening here in the diaspora. Worse still if the guy is white because they get insulted for going out with ancestors and so forth. I get offended by this as I’ve dated two very wonderful men of the age. One was 64 when I met him and then the latest is a guy who is 70. Well, I dated him online as he lives in another country and I haven’t been able to meet him, but we chatted on skype for over 6 months, and we loved each other. I’m in my early 30’s, I’m a professional woman who is well balanced. I just wanted a story out there to say that not every woman who is going out with a guy old enough to be her father is in search of a sponsor and that there can be true love involved. Something deeper. Can I share my story and be anonymous?”
I said sawa, send me something I see if it’s the right fit. In the meantime I Googled her up: Graduate degree in International Relations. Currently involved in research work.
You know how when you see a young local girl with an ageing mzungu guy you automatically think to yourself, “Oh, it’s definitely about the rent”? Well, this girl says, it could also be about love.
Don’t roll your eyes just yet.
Here is her case.
***
First of all, I have to say I had a very good relationship with my late dad. He spoilt me – I’m an only girl – so by going out with elderly guys I’m not trying to fill some void. I just feel comfortable with them. These men have mostly been professionals, men who run their own companies. It’s not even been about how they look – although height matters to me a lot – but looks don’t matter much. The thing with an elderly guy, and the thing I found most attractive, is that they had it together. Nothing is as sexy as a man who has it together.
I don’t feel attracted to young guys- white or black. I have gone out with a couple of white guys in their 50s, and some had complexes. But mostly I just didn’t feel connected, didn’t have chemistry with them, so we went out a couple of times before I ended it as I didn’t see a future with them.
I have also tried to go out with a couple of young African guys – big disappointment. One abandoned me when I was pregnant, so now I’m a single mum. I’ve crossed out African guys out here because they are generally time-wasters, especially the West Africans. Many are married back in their country, and they are out to waste your time while they have a good time.
As my story goes; I was searching for a guy online, on Afro-Introductions, an interracial dating site. I met all sorts, but didn’t rush to meet any of them until we’d chatted online sufficiently and I felt that there was something. I met (let’s call him) Mr P online. I think I sent him an interest then he read my profile and sent me one long mail about how he found me intriguing. I was busy with studies, and taking care of my child, so I didn’t communicate much with him but he persisted and urged me to meet him.
He asked me out to dinner and asked if he should dress in a suit (cute). I declined dinner as my child was young at the time, and babysitters here are expensive. When I finally met him, we seemed to hit it off. I was very impressed by him in person; he looked better (most people look worse when meeting them in person after seeing their pictures online), he was well dressed, and quite tall (all ticks for that). We had a very nice lunch. Frankly, the lunch was at a five star restaurant where the waiters wore uniform (not common for waiters here to wear uniform, they are mostly kids earning extra pocket money so they come in casual clothes) and we had a five course meal. I think it was my first time to eat caviar and oysters – the food was in small bits but really well plated and presentable. A proper first date, not a date in a loud bar with alcohol and his friends.
Anyway, I liked him, we had chemistry, and he was genuinely interested in me. He was 64 at the time and had just retired, his company was being run by his son, who at 35 was closer to my age, but I didn’t mind. He’d had a couple of heart surgeries, the triple bypass or something like that and now exercises daily – goes cycling or walking. He took good care of himself and lived a healthy life which I admired.
The sex was fabulous, contrary to what you might think. He took his time with foreplay and with the actual intercourse. He was always so energetic even with his heart problems. He took viagra. He declared it at the beginning and he didn’t hide around taking it in the bathroom. My experience with mature white men is that they have no reason to hide things, they are forthright with who they are. I was fine with him taking viagra. He focused on what I wanted in bed, it wasn’t just about him getting satisfied. He also loved cunnilingus. He didn’t come after five minutes like the younger men I have encountered before, leaving you stranded. And that nonsense of white men having small male parts? I can tell you it’s not true. At least not with this guy.
We saw each other for a period after that but had to call it quits, largely because he is still (legally at least) married..and at his age, he doesn’t want to divorce just to marry someone else. He has a good relationship with his wife, and kids, but they have been separated for six years and live apart. His other reason not to divorce is simply because he doesn’t want to divide all the wealth and assets, and blah blah.. , so he’s comfortable with having a relationship on the side, but he can’t get married. He will never get married again. In Netherlands anyway, many people prefer to live together rather than settling down permanently, so it’s not strange to him, to have a girlfriend and never to marry her.
Though I loved/liked him, I couldn’t continue with these circumstances, given that I am a born-again Christian and each time I met him, we went too far. He didn’t understand that the bible forbids fornication, because he’s an atheist and doesn’t believe in God.
We broke up. We are good friends; he still sends me lovely messages and calls me pet names, but we’ve both moved on. He helps me a lot when I am in a fix financially. When I’m with him, or when I was with him everything flowed – we had a very strong connection. I didn’t feel like he was an old guy, or I was a sugar baby, it was genuine love, and he’s one person I could tell anything, and he could give me good advice. Still does. He also really encourages me and believes in me, he is a strong support – if I tweet an article of mine, he will retweet it, and other small things like that. I liked that a lot, the attentiveness.
I guess people are just people, whether they are old or young. I mean, he wants the same things as any Kenyan man in his 30s would want. If I got cross at him and told him off, he would apologize like we were age mates. He was young but he was also old. Does that make sense?
Then the second guy. Let’s call him Mr M. We chatted online for six months then we called it quits – he lives very far away, in Australia and we’d chosen to meet over Christmas but I blew it and didn’t go. Not that I didn’t want to go, but I just couldn’t go at that time, so I canceled the ticket. He had planned so many activities and was angry that I didn’t come and stopped chatting with me for a while. He had been divorced over 6 years ago, and then again after a second brief marriage.
We chatted constantly. I found him witty, funny, and successful. He’s an award-winning architect and I admire that. He has two sons, one daughter, they are all in their 30s. He’s born-again, and he would send me all sorts of inspirational material and books. He’s also a health freak, eats gluten-free bread and food, lots of fruits, takes many vitamins and minerals, and does a walk everyday during his break time. Most older men tend not to take care of themselves better.
We had chemistry as well, he felt that our relationship was well-fitted like a glove – but he said he didn’t want to have another child. His children are grown up and my child is still young, so I think he just didn’t want to go through bringing up other children. I wanted different things so we had to call it quits, even though he is single and really praying to meet a woman with whom he will settle down.
When we broke up I told him if I ever made it to Australia, I would visit him. He said if he was dating at the time, his girlfriend would have to be there. (Ouch). I respected that. He advised me to look for someone younger who desires to have a young family.
I’m not in a hurry to begin searching for someone.
I didn’t see these men as old men. They cracked jokes, and I felt more relaxed around them than I do around young men. Take the recent guy, I liked to send him pictures of me in my undergarments because I felt free to do so, and we would laugh about it. He’s probably the only guy I have sent pictures of myself in lingerie.
And here is the privilege that younger men lack but older men have plenty of: comfort. Older men are very comfortable with who they are. No pretence or apologies. Younger men want to be project who they aren’t and that causes conflict because you never know who you are dealing with. Tomorrow you will wake up and he’s someone else. Older men also have a presence to them.
Take Mr P for instance. As casual as he was with me, out in the public he seemed to have this commanding presence, an aura that make people respect him and act a little submissive around him. I guess because he has been C.E.O for years, he probably acts like he’s the boss of everyone, and with his height and white hair, I reckon everyone just falls into their place.
With Mr M, looking back I feel he came into my life with as much force as a tsunami, and when it was over it really felt like a tsunami had knocked me down, caused destruction and I was left alone to pick up the pieces. He was very romantic, and what else does a woman need? He did more from many continents away than a young man who is in the same town would have. He sent so many mails in a day: he would send scriptural encouragement, or a couple photos of him, or of his walk, or things he saw as he was walking whether it was flowers or the setting sun. He would flirt. Small thoughtful things. Most men now don’t know how to flirt, they just want you to send them naked pictures, and talk about what they will do to you when you meet. Which sometimes turns out isn’t much.
We skyped for hours a day. He would impact on me the benefits of healthy eating, of lifestyle change. Of course he was worried that if we got together and I was eating all these chips, and cookies in front of him, he would add weight. Hehe. Then he felt I wasn’t writing enough about God and the gospel (I mainly write about travel) he felt that I should use my writing talent to spread the word instead. In short he was a wonderful man.
Of course there are women who date older men for the money, just like their are younger women who date men their age bracket for money. But not all. Not every older man is a sponsor.
I think age is just a number. Of course if I marry someone elderly I would like to be with them and share my life with them. Contrary to what most people imagine, when I date an older man my plan isn’t to have them die so that I inherit their wealth. I’m making my own money, but when you see me with an older white man you automatically imagine I’m with him for his money. Sometimes I might be the one housing him and supporting him, how would you tell?
I find jokes about sponsors and ancestor jokes on social media heartbreaking because for some of us, this is a chance for love. And some of us look for it our whole lives and when we finally find it in someone much older we get judged for it. For seeking happiness.
Photo Credit: Huffington Post