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Last Saturday I woke up in my room at Diani Reef Resort and stood at the sliding doors leading to the balcony. Outside was slightly – and strangely – overcast for Diani. The sky looked bruised and surly, like a butcher with a blunt knife. Sadly, the ocean mirrored this temperament; grey and frothy, it curled and churned on its belly, as if it had colic. Right outside, behind the glass, was a family of monkeys nonchalantly sitting in the winding balcony. Like me, they didn’t look like they had solid plans for the day. There was mama monkey, baba monkey and three baby monkeys. They stared at me, unmoved by human presence. They were naked. I was half naked. I slid open the door and humidity lumbered in. The baby monkeys and mama monkey scampered off. Their papa stared at me, because he felt like he was male enough, that he’d done his time and he wasn’t going to cede his balcony ground because who said balconies belonged only to humans? He had seen many like me – men standing behind the window naked, hairy men, men with knees like clubs, balding men, and so he wasn’t scared. 

The previous day I had forgotten to close the balcony door and upon returning, found the room ransacked. They had eaten all the fruits on the platter, rummaged through my vanity bag and chewed on the Strepsils, tried eating the Nexium tablets and gave up, left the door to the mini-fridge and drawers open (looking for recreational drugs, no doubt) and left peelings of fruit scattered all over the table because monkeys can’t chew with their bloody mouths closed. In short, they did what monkeys do best; monkey business. 

I tried kicking baba monkey to remind him that this was an animal farm and I was more evolved than him and he scooted off, leaping onto the railing, onto the roof and out of sight. I stood there and watched the ocean and wondered how fast time flies. How old we get when we blink. How we look back and see how far we have come and how we look forward and our hearts sink at how much ground is left to cover and if we will have the time to cover all of it. 

It was my birthday. I turned 42 the day Eliud Kipchoge did 42 in under two hours. Of course I didn’t do any writing in the days before that (the holidays started on Wednesday, didn’t they?) or in the  days after that because it would be very cruel of you to expect me to write on my birthday weekend, not when some of you celebrate their “birthday months.”

So, may I just have this moment to hang around in my towel and do nothing?

***

We resume normal programming next week. 

 

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333 Comments

  9. I’ve wasted 2 minutes of my time reading this only thinking it was going to transform into a women and marriage kinda story? Woooooi. This ain’t fair bwana Biko. Anyway I shall be waiting for normal programming to bounce back.

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      1. Hahaha let them that want to feel/be entitled just be so. After all we haven’t escaped with your entitlement girl.

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  14. 11.20-email notification-biko has posted
    11.20.35-excuse myself from a meeting coz i have an urgent “call”
    11.21-log onto biko for Tuesdays dose
    11.21.59-am heart broken

    My Fren.
    we need to talk
    i need my 1.59 minutes back

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    1. Biko will never sit in that special corner in heaven where there’s free WiFi , charger , guacamole , Whisky & many lodz of good things 🙁

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  21. Happy belated birthday Biko….and I’m beginning to think monkey have a thing for you…or vice versa… remember your FB post conversing with monkeys? Na urudi nyumbani by 1.59am kama Kipchoge

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  22. Aki Biko…..I even said no more work for me since Biko has posted. Biko time is sacred. I will not bitch because its Your birthday. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY BIKO. we love you

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  23. Haki Biko.
    May you choke on whatever it is that you are taking right now down at the Coast.
    Do you know just how much I was waiting for Tuesday 10AM? And I will learn to trust my instincts from now henceforth, I felt funny when it got to 11 without getting the alert.

    ION, you are forgiven, as always and enjoy your birthday week. You can try monkey keeping,
    #NO HUMAN IS LIMITED!!!!!

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  24. Happy belated birthday Biko!
    I was wondering why the email notification is taking so long today, kumbe there’s no story for us 🙁

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  27. Biko!!! This was a monkey story… …. I have been checking my inbox for a new story and then this!!! Happy Birthday and may you live long to enthrall us with your writings… Looking forward to next week…. Another very very long week.. It’s not that we ain’t got nada to do…. but.. you draw us into another reality which opens our other eyes to see life in a different light.

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  29. True Biko, time really flies, when someone tells me he or she is 42, I am tempted to say, ‘so am I, aaaw!we are agemates’! Then reality hits me! Darn! 43 already

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  37. Btw, you can just tell us incase no women are writing their stories anymore….I can write to you about mine, ha!
    Happy birthday!

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  42. Noooo Biko, not again!! Do you know how we look forward to Tuesdays?? Of course you don’t know. I’ve caught feelings.

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  48. Aiiih Biko,,2 weeks in a row no story, this not fair. i can offer to tell my story too. Nway happy belated birthday, enjoy

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  53. Classic example of vitu kwa ground ni different anyway what can we do we have to wait….we are your cockroaches step on us

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  62. Just like baba monkey. Just like that, you make us open the glass door, then you jump. Leaving us on a high but not yet high.

    Ama hunt you down and drag you back to your workstation. We won’t have this again.

    42words. Happy 42 biko.

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  70. Happy belated birthday Biko. Older and wiser..wise that you did not start by saying there is no new post for this week, and for that we read your post to the end.

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  71. I am sorry I don’t get this joke two weeks in a row, and what have monkeys to do with your birthday, I gloated on your stolen fruits.

    Happiest birthday Biko,
    waiting with many others for normal programming

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  82. My colleagues think am a joke, they wait on me to supply the story.Like am the middleman (but why it is middle man and no middle women or middle person) anyway fine.
    So now am telling them we have no story this week too and my life is in danger.
    I need rehab and please if you don’t hear from me know am the Mama monkey because I died and reincarnated.

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  87. like a butcher with a blunt knife

    I love how you paint the picture in my head!
    Happy birthday to you! I have been celebrating mine since august 29th…okay it started on August 1st.

    Allow me to wish you all you ever wish yourself.
    Enjoy 42 BTW you are the first man ive ever heard reveal his true age.

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  95. Happy happy belated birthday Biko and people never get satisfied. May wisdom follow you always you have helped alot of people me included…. Next week as we wait

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  98. I once attended a talk by biko ( fyi ladies , I was not ready ) anyways he said he doesn’t read comments , for valid reasons of course but point is… he wont see all this bitching .

    Hehehe
    You are welcome

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      1. No I am not… I was hoping to annoy someone for a little entertainment since , you decided to curve us again. Kumbe you read…

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  99. Happy Birthday Biko.

    Don’t forget that the best part of walking, is not working. Taking time to breathe and reflect of what you have accomplished. Don’t beat yourself up for the long way to go.

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  110. Here I am saw the heading and while trying to figure out what number that is, because ofcoz I only know 1 to 10….maybe the first to comment peeps got saved from adjusting their seats and leaning closer to the screen only to get a roadblock. Happy 42nd Biks! Please be kind to this man ok, 42??

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  112. Like really? I don’t doubt it was your birthday. #happybelated!
    However, I doubt you had a story anyway.
    What’s really cooking?

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  117. I thought my lunch break would be lit, let me also take a break to reflect 🙂

    Happy Belated Bday. May you have many more.

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  118. I wonder if mama Tams also waits for the notifications….does she even read the chocolate man’s work? Does she get an advanced copy?

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  119. Happy belated Birthday Biko. Its your birthday yes, but let me make a loud wish… “Please give us two doses at the same time when normal programming resumes?”. Thank you.

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  120. I think you should create a new column for when you have no stories…Call it “Better luck next week” or something…

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  122. Biko you are cheating on us so much of late…but as long as, and it is apparent it, makes you happy. It is well with us, here we shall wait. Happy birthday to you. #TimeIsLimited

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  123. Another week, you’re being unfaithful now in this relationship. Please do two articles next week.Happy belated birthday though.

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  128. Biko! You should be frog-matched to the nearest no-man’s-land with them monkeys, find out any cultural differences, if they cry in their own marriages, and what qualifies as a perfect match. Two weeks in a row? how on earth.

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  130. Belated happy birthday Biko. Your birthday getaways inspired my first one, and I haven’t stopped since. Enjoy the monkey business, if you decide to indulge baba monkey.

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  135. Oooo Niko you’re allowed to enjoy your birthday But I think you should have allowed us to enjoy with you by giving us a long juicy story I wish you know how I wait for Tuesday Anyway I don’t want to be unfair to you

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  140. Its my birthday today and I was really looking forward to read today’s article. Inauma but itabidi nizoee. Happy belated birthday.

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  145. Happy birthday Biko!!

    You are killing us with the suspense though!!Can we get back to the women and marriage series already

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  150. wololo had a mug of coffee and propped up pillows, all set. Only to, anyway……Happy belated birthday Biko.

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  153. to think i had been saving this to read on my lunch break. arrrrrrrgh…. nway Happy 42nd i guess(yes please do read this in a snarky voice because I AM BEING SNARKY)

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  155. 2nd in, are you taking us “loyal readers” for granted. I literally put everything on hold, grabbed a mug of tea, ready to enjoy a good read in this cold Nairobi weather. Closes the bar window, pissed. Lol

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  158. Biko @ 42 Happy belated Birthday, May your imagination always run wild but more importantly may our Good God always light your path..

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  159. Yaaaani I went to the mothers room in the office, propped my legs up ready…..alafu here I am done in 5 seconds ‍♀️

    Happy Belated Birthday Biko.

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  160. I remember the sliding doors and the monkeys. Hope you attended their water aerobics sessions also. Diani Reef is surely a nice place.

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  162. Thank you, Gang. This is overwhelming. The patience and understanding. It’s too much. 🙂

    Thanks for the birthday wishes too.

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  164. I read halfway and had to go back up to look at the category. Uncategorized meant it will be another six days of wait. Uuurgh.

    Happy Birthday Biko!!

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  165. Earth Strong to you Champ, apparently 42 is when you start to cover the ground to a somewhat unending exciting epic journey…Now and go handle your Birthday Manly business, coz yes, a men and women celebrate differently, we women,celebrate everything I say….

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  184. Biko Biko Biko, how many times have i called you.
    I need my 1:59 minutes back.
    Baba monkey snatch that Biko’s towel ooh, he’s bragging that you’re naked & he’s halfway dressed. Kieleweke

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  191. How I had reserved the read for my matatu ride this evening, anyway Biko nìwaganwo mùno (get a translator). Happy belated 42nd

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  192. Happy belated birthday!
    Staying put for next post.
    I keep wondering how a towel balances and them lessons fall thus graduating to deras. (‘How does Kantai,tie a tie’?) Serious Monkey business trick!

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  194. Ooh no! Biko not again and the way I was looking foward to reading a nice story. Happy belated birthday all the same and to many more happy returns.

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  197. Promise there won’t be other interruptions please ,Biko! Some of us are addicted and really require the weekly dose.

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  201. I feel like this is one of those relationships friends ask you to get out of before ‘it ends bandly….. ‘
    You’re cheating on us with a Towel? Aaaaaaargghhh

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  204. First of all, happy belated birthday Biko….
    Lakini seriously!!!???
    2.The last article was a boring one of a woman with mid-life crisis – very boring I must say..
    3Last week no article (lacked appropriate emoji for that feeling)
    4. Now today you’re basking in south coast and nothing…Nigga please!!!…. We need 2 articles next week for compensation..

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  207. Happy Birthday Biko. I bitched then remembered how much fun you have brought to my life and felt ungrateful.

    Here is to more wisdom and may you live to see Your children’s grand children.

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  214. Hahaha…. monkey business, I’ve had an encounter with them where they ate my fruits, took my jam jar( I’ve never found it),maybe they went to store stuff in it.maybe it’s the same monkeys) we are neighbors biko we might bumb into each other on the beach.. happy belated 42 birthday.

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  223. When the story started with monkeys I deflee knew that was some kinda foreshadowing and this story was gonna be fire. I had gone way south with monkey analogies aki! Mscheeeeww

    Hennyways 42 should be big I assume. Happy belated Biko ! But gadamn lets have a story next week… and make it up with two or three

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  224. The way I kept feeling excited it’s Tuesday. Then I didn’t get the notification email and I was like no worries. I will log in later. Now here I am propped up, and there is no story. You must be doing some fishy business. Happy Birthday. Enjoy it like its 24! You are not limited!

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  225. …How we look back and see how far we have come and how we look forward and our hearts sink at how much ground is left to cover and if we will have the time to cover all of it…

    I can totally relate to this… My 23rd birthday coming this Friday. Belated Happy Birthday Biko

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  230. Your Stories are one of my major addictions. Am mad at you, but I choose to understand coz it’s your Birthday month and you just turned a year older. Happy Belated Birthday.

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  233. It’s 3.59 am and I finally have a chance to catch up with reading my emails. I scroll to the Bikozulu email settling in to read the blog of the week…….and Nada, zilch, zero. Happy belated 42nd birthday though…….and back to lalaland for me!!

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  236. Happy Birthday to Chocolate Man!
    Today marks two years since I started following you ardently.
    Happy second anniversary to our union.

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  237. So did mama and baba monkey look happy in their marriage?
    What do you think they were discussing? Can we draw any lessons from their teamwork in hustling out for your fruits?

    This monkey business should have been on mama monkey and marriage.

    Happy birthday kichogolate man

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  239. People who come here and say others feel entitled? Why do they have to have an opinion about others comments. Before long Bikozulu and her will be the only ones reading this blog.

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  241. 52 weeks gone! Seem like just the other day when you turned 40. Thank you for the joy you give week after week. May God add to you as you have to us. You’ve earned the time off. Happy Birthday!

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  243. Happy bday!! But .. I think you are now cheating on us did you find some other readers? Is it because of the first to comment gang?talk to us.. let’s mend our relationship.. two weeks now! Two weeks of waiting…

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  249. Goodness gracious! No story again:-( This addiction to your stories will be the end of me. ION how is Tamms and Kim doing?

    Happy Belated birthday.

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  254. Life begins at 40, and you’re turning 42. Which means you’re turning two- terrible two *evil face emoji here* .
    Happy Birthday Chocolate Man, I pray you have a terrific (forty) two.
    You’re a breath of fresh air and the reason all of us will bitch today, but next week Tuesday tuko hapa kama ibada.
    God Bless!

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  262. Happy belated birthday Biko!! May this year be one of exploits and wonderful things for you. Btw we share a birthday hehe oct12

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  274. HAHAHAH…! BIKO KOKO…!
    Come for a beating…! I could have never guessed your age..
    you are lithe with energy and agility.
    42 is a milestone brother..!

    Happy Birthday Biko..!

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  280. Haha.. I love my instincts and they guide me, been struggling since Tuesday to read my favourite Biko moments kumbe watu wako Coast? Happy Belated Birthday Biko! Enjoy life..it is you time..

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  283. This feels like a pre mature ejaculation (1:59 minutes) but as a dutiful wife you hug him tightly after, hide the now routine disappointment and whisper “I love you”

    Happy 42nd Bday Biko

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  284. When i saw uncategorised i knew it.. No wonder its taken me two days to come around to read.. Anywhoos. Happy belated 42nd.. To many more biko.. And enjoy the monkeys.. They can be entertaining!!!!

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  285. Congrats for 2nd year since life begun on you.You are lucky to enjoy your b.day with your ancestors(monkeys).Hope papa wisdom was kind enough to remind you to treat your towel with respect coz the end that wipes your batt might end up doing your face.Happy belated 42.

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  288. Was abit dissapoited but am also an October baby on 18th and have taken the week away on an island so I forgive you Biko. Only because we are both in the birthday mood. Age gracefully

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  291. Wow!!! I am happy to know our birthdays are just a day apart.
    Mine was the next day, 13th..
    Happy belated birthday. #Librababies

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  295. Happy belated Sir.

    And here i thought I’d sink into a long story and i really needed one, it’s therapeutic. It’s even shorter than your ig captions.
    It’s okay, enjoy what is left to be enjoyed.

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  296. Biko you know I’ve been very faithful in this relationship and I’ve read all your posts since you started writing but I feel you’ve started cheating on us okay it’s me specifically and because of that I’ve found solace at kisauti.com a hilarious writer altogether and every time I come here and I don’t find a read,he soothes my soul like you used to.Anyways happy belated birthday Biko.

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  297. Happy belated Birthday Biko… apparently i did not know that we share birthdays….. you must have been in the 10years of Nyayo era dancing troupe back then!

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  301. aye Biko
    happy birthday brother,
    …but i wonder what the monkeys wanted. supposing it’s more than monkey business i guess

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  304. Really Biko. How could you. This is getting personal now. I don’t get a piece after 6 days and am like, this guy is not doing me good. Anyways always trully your fan. Happy belated.

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  307. Happy belated birthday Biko.
    I think I have a name for your thrilling articles. Biko’s Rhapsodies! Because they are full of enthusiasm and with happy endings haha

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  312. Happy belated birthday Biko. Thank you for using your gift to put a smile on our faces. Have a fulfilling year ahead. I hope I will meet you some day.

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