“So, actually this didn’t bother me. What bothered me was that she acted like we are friends!” She turns from the dresser mirror and looks at you. “Can you believe that?” You shake your head. You can’t believe it. It should be on Ripley’s show.
“So, anyway. Today we had this ka-office thing where we have lunch out of office every two weeks. The company pays half. It’s meant to bring us all together, you know, gel and whatnot because on any other day, most of us just eat from our desks. Me, I don’t see the need to eat with colleagues to be honest.” She lifts her slender shoulders in a shrug.
She’s just showered and has a towel tied right to the under of her armpits. Her back glistens with little beads of water. “Anyway, so we go to this new place just outside our office that sells seafood but then when we get there two guys say that they don’t eat seafood. Meanwhile, an email had been sent two days earlier asking if everybody was fine with seafood. Nobody said a word. Not one person. Now all of a sudden they realized that they swell when they eat seafood, so we had to leave and find another place. You know that restaurant that is past that building that burnt?” She looks at you through the mirror.
“Si you know that building where Mugo used to work?”
“Me I don’t know the names of roads. Anyway, leave that road and take the opposite road and use that back route that sometimes matatus take and it will lead you out to the mall.” She adjusts her towel and you catch a quick glimpse of her breasts as she does that. “Anyway, there is a new restaurant in that building. The food isn’t all that. She sat next to me and this chick was just acting like we are best of friends! I mean! She even asked to taste my steak!”
She makes a face, the kind of face one makes when they have had too much vodka and they want to throw up in a bush.
“By the way, I wanted to just push the whole plate at her and tell her, you can have it. It’s like when a fly dies in your soup. I was full of her up to here.” She touches her forehead with the edge of her palm. There is a brief lull as she opens a drawer to the dresser and rummages through it. You take this opportunity to pick your book to read but as soon as you open a page she says. “That environment is too toxic for me. I don’t see myself working there by June. I just can’t with those people. Do you think I’m overreacting?”
You shake your head. “Not at all.”
“I can’t deal by the way. If it’s not her it’s our COO, he’s so exhausting. I told you that he increased our targets.”
“I told you!” She exclaims as she applies some ointment from a small pink tube written Vitamin E. It’s supposed to be anti-wrinkles but it’s also anti-ageing, anti-carjacking, anti-constipation, the only thing it can’t protect her from is office politics. “By the way, I forgot to tell you the venue of Christine’s wedding has been moved to Naivasha -”
“You told me.”
“I did?!” She looks at you with surprise.
“Yeah, jana. You called me, remember?”
“Me I’m not going to Naivasha by the way.” She says. “Sijui the accommodation only is going to be like 20K, we have already forked out 30K in the committee and then there is the dress to think about…kwanza this reminds me, I called my fundi and she never called me back. Aki fundis will be the end of me. This guy keeps saying the dress will be ready in a few days times and it’s been…when did I take the fabric to him, do you remember?”
“For the…are you even listening to me, surely?” She walks to the wardrobe and fetches her nightdress. A flimsy netty number that can’t stop a swarm of bees from passing through. “I hate it when I speak to you and you are just reading. Am I boring you with my stories?”
“No. Come on.”
You – propped against the head of the bed, try as interested as you can.
“Did you ask your guy if he can get my friend a car?” She unties the towel and stands there naked as she slips into the scandalous nightdress. You didn’t ask your guy but you can’t say you didn’t ask your guy because that will open a Pandora’s box. So you say you did and he will get back to you tomorrow with some pictures of possible cars.
“She really needs a car of her own,” she says, closing drawers, closing closet doors, locking the bedroom door with a key, hanging the towel on the hook behind the door and walking back to the mirror to inspect her teeth in the mirror. “ I need to see the dentist.” Long pause. “Anyway, that story of sharing a car with her husband isn’t working. At all! She just can’t deal. Also, her husband is causing because he’s not being consulted on what car she wants to buy. Why are guys like that?”
She gets under the covers and places her leg over your thighs and stares at you, obviously waiting for you to answer why guys are like that.
“Guys have issues.” You mumble unconvincingly. Her legs are warm, like she had been walking in the sun.
“My mom called me today.” She says, lowering the timbre of her voice. “Apparently she discovered that my dad sold a shamba without telling her. There was this shamba that they bought sijui when we were in primo – kitamboo – and she thought it was still there. Kumbe he sold it in 2015! She is pissed off! So pissed! Even I would be pissed off. Where is my phone, by the way?” She looks around the room. “I think I left it in the sitting room, si you go get it for me?”
So you go and fetch the phone like a good dog.
“I will set the alarm for 5:30am, I want to wake up early and finish that proposal I was telling you jana.” She sets the alarm and puts away her phone. “What do you think she should do?”
“Who should do what?”
“Oh, I don’- “
“Because me I don’t want to ingilia their issues.” She says switching off the lights. “ Because then I will be forced to take sides and I don’t want to take sides. The problem is my dad is just recovering from that surgery so it’s also not a good time for my mom to start that story, and you know how my mom can talk someone’s ear off, she will bang on about that story for the next five years, you wait and see.”
You grin at the pot in darkness. Or maybe she’s the kettle and her mom is the pot.
“But it’s not fresh, what he did. Not fresh at all.” She turns away from you, “please scratch my back?”
She doesn’t say where, so you use your acute superpower of sixth sense to guess which part is itching and scratch the area below the neck. “Not there…” she mumbles. “Further down…no, a little to the left….not your left, my left….yes there. Sawa. Thanks.”
“I just remembered that I have a nail appointment tomorrow. I think I will just hepa the office.” She switches on the lights and picks your book . “You haven’t finished reading this book kwani? I need to buy a Kindle for my niece. The other weekend when I had gone to drop off my sister at home she had just come back from the salon, she had done braids, she has that beautiful long hair that we don’t have. You know that beautiful long kinky hair? Yeah, so adorable. I think she takes her hair from Chris’s side. Imagine how unfair God is, giving a man great hair and eyebrows and my sister such bad nails. Have you noticed my sister’s nails?”
“No.” (A lie).
“Are you sleepy?”
“No.” (Another lie)
“Is your car still making that noise?” She asks not because she wants to hear the answer, you suspect, but to try and not let you fall asleep.
“No.” You mumble. She switches off the lights.
She’s now absentmindedly playing with the hair on your chest, holding one and pulling them, trying to unpluck them as if testing if they are indeed embedded in your body or they are fake. That shit is painful. If this is foreplay it isn’t working. At all.
“Tomorrow I will have to go see my dad. You want to come?”
“I have this mee-”
“I will get him pears. I saw pears the other day at the grocery, I think they are back in season. He loves pears. In fact, if it was up to him he would only eat pears, that’s why he’s so skinny. Do you know he weighed himself before the surgery and he was a mere 65kgs, the way he’s tall, he now looks like a pine tree. How much do you weigh now?”
“I’m even scared to stand on a weighing scale. Judy told me ati we start that intermittent fasting this last week but aii, I shuku those things ati sijui juice fast, intermittent fasting, it’s all a fad.” You don’t know who the hell Judy is but it doesn’t matter, she could be called Nancy and the story wouldn’t change. “You know my colleague did that and she lost five kilograms after three weeks only to discover that it was water weight.” She giggles. “Are you sleepy?”
“No.” You mumble, your throat full of sleep. You are grateful that it’s dark in the room so you are listening with eyes closed, but are only looking out for questions, which might come from the blue.
“Will you wake me up tomorrow?”
“You already set the alarm.”
“Oh, but you can still wake me up.” She says.
“How?” You rub her thigh seductively. She ignores you.
“I plan to do pap-smear tomorrow by the way. I think I’m due. I was hoping my period would have come and gone by now so that I do it after, but they seem to be waiting to see who will blink first. They have become so erratic lately, I think also I need Maria to check out the coil, sometimes I feel it digging into me.”
You don’t know why you thought her gynae was Lucia. But Maria and Lucia are not too removed.
“Time flies so fast, it’s only the other day that I put this coil, can you imagine it’s been four years already. I remember putting it when I started my last job at that Indian place. By the way, I ran into the Indian boss of mine juzi, I told you? At Serena, I was putting my bag and phone through the security thingi when I heard someone call me. He was with his wife who had on a long beautiful sari and a dot on her forehead. They looked so cute together. He told me that the door was open for me to go back. I would have to eat all my earrings first to go work for that man again. If I remember how stressed I was working there! Waah! Do you recall that time we -…are you sleeping….Tim?…”
“You are sleeping?”
“Yeah?” Your eyes fly open.
“You are sleeping and I’m talking to you!”
“I’m not sleeping.”
“What did I say?”
“You are sleeping.”
“OK, a little.”
This could be how it feels like to have Safaricom’s Postpaid; 400mins of talk-time and 5GB data for 1000 bob. That’s like a marriage.
Visit https://www.safaricom.co.ke/PostPay/ for more information on the NEW post-pay packages and select your preferred plan.
Wow, on a Monday!!
First comment, no?
1st Comment, no?
Are we this verbal really hehehe
I can relate to the threatening statement ‘what was I saying?’ and I realize my mind was in Timbuktu as the story went on at the Limpopo. I have been reminded of countless things I have been told and cannot recall being told that it has been concluded I ‘do not listen‘, though on oath I could swear I was not told but for the sake of world peace, I do not allow such a misadventures. At some point I had to mention, if it’s important, do not tell me as navigate the roundabout. A number of times I have been shown a WhatsApp as I drive….c’est marriage….
Amazing read. I have had such a hearty laugh. So relatable!
Hahaha…27 stories told in 33 minutes.. You are meant to pretend to be following..animatedly. Its the reality on the ground..
And its an advert too
Great!! I’m in by the way
But who’s counting
If this isn’t me, Jesus
This is hilarious because I read it in my office and my husband’s. Oh dear Lord, you poor men you.
I was wondering where you were heading with this story, kumbe ni safaricom. But it’s quite entertaining. Are we women really like that?
Hehe Sounds so familiar.
*in my voice not in my office
Weeh!!! What was that Biko!!! What was that!!!!
Yani all this is an advert for postpaid?
Verbosity at its best.. What a night, what a marriage…
If this is how it goes out here then I am not getting into it any sooner.
Are you kidding me? A night! it is every night from day one. On a good day. When she has been to the office. Wait until that until she starts her maternity leave and in the evening she craves adult conversation…… a long journey it is going to be.
I haven’t finished reading but i fee Attacked…
Haha, I did not by any means see that Safaricom link coming at the end. And for some reason, I was excited seeing a Biko email on a Monday. Especially this Monday full of sulk and anxiety. I guess nothing beats a heartwarming tale of a typical woman story-telling techniques on a day like today.
Have a safe week gang! Wash your hands, stay away from people and read those boring WHO guidelines on Corona at least once. They are boring but kinda the manual for survival.
I got frustrated just reading this conversation…. Gosh chick could yap!
This blog almost made me uncomfortable in my own house
Is this what they call mathogothanio?
What is the day today again? I had to double check. This reminds me of the level of loquacity an ex-girlfriend used to make me go through every night. Sleeping while she was blabbering on was a crime that had far reaching consequences in that house.
Husbands are strong beings
Couldnt help but laugh all through! Its so me! Goodness!
My boyfriend sent me this article to read through,accurate to the coreI have died and died
Thanks Biko for spicing up my Monday with this read
Hehehe, we got so many words to speak in a day and a man hardly has any-This life
Nice read………hahahhaha some women can be the real chatter boxes…..I guess I may be as well but a little not like in this piece where she has like 40 something stories in 15 minutes.
Biko , God touched your heart today?
How come it’s Monday and we have some read or is it an advert?
Biko this is a nice read gets one wondering what it is at the start………hahahhaha some women can be the real chatter boxes…..I guess I may be as well but a little not like in this piece where she has like 40 something stories in 15 minutes.
I feel attacked.. this is too accurate for my liking.
Was I reading an ad? Damn!
I like how you create these conversations, they feel real and funny. I can always visualize them in my head.
I am so tired for Tim.
Hahahahah I did not mind this lights on post at all.. and 1000 mins 15 gig for 2k or 1500mins 25gig for 3k would be better plans.
Yes, most of you are like that!
Hahaha,how accurate is this?
Let me just tag my husband because im sure he can relate
The stories are too much.She has planned her tomorrow wit so many activities that you are not sure will be met.
i think i know someone like this.
I have gone through this several times.
The little thorns that come with our roses, hehe! These daughters of Eve; human, guilty but the entirely beautiful!
…and I love pears too. It is my best fruit among few. My friends joke that I am a luhya who can have only pears for supper.
I won’t be honest in my observation as she will read it…nice read. I pity the husbands/boyfriends who will have this article read out to them
I go through this at least 3 times a week. I feel like eating my socks at times.
Wah. I’m exhausted listening to her.
400 minutes a month I bet its a safaricomized matrimony you’ll even call 5 exes in a day.
Me I like
I think you have captured it all! She has narrated like eight different stories at the same time shifting through them like a gear lever
Lol her stories are interesting surely. I talk like this and I have no shame.
Ha ha ha
Hahaha! Too entertaining. I can just see that conversation happening.
I can relate . When it reach such a point you play cool coz chaos can erupt anytime .
Ladies are just Amazing creatures .
Warh that safarciom ad transition I did not see it coming
But I like it. I’ve seen Youtubers do that with this sponsored videos like from skillshare etc.
Great transition there!
I welcome a Biko post on a Monday cause God knows it is needed considering how gloomy this day is turning out to be
I appreciate the post and welcome more unexpected posts on gloomy days as this day. Whoever thinks so too ; show it in the like❤
Why am i reading this in my wife’s voice?
Subscribed to this plan last week – i love it.
So what would happen if he straight up said he was sleepy!? This marriage thing is baffling to me
Wah! I’m female but I just can’t!
And you wonder why women ain’t super humans. How many different conversations can you count in this? I’m sure all this happened in les than 30mins.
Never saw this coming
I can relate! Women have Energizer batteries in them, they keep going on and on and on and on and on and on…. It would also have turned out to be an Ad for Energizer batteries ha!
Pakapower, eh? Haha!
Wait, it’s a Monday
2000 words finished before the day ends.
Shit!! That chick can talk!! So exhausting.
If not for the wrong names,i thought you had a recorder on my bedroom wall. Give me a break, I have a target of 8000 words a day. Lucky me, he listens. As for me, It’s……..therapeutic.
Wow Chatty Cathy slow down there !
I’m exhausted reading her monologue, and horrified with how familiar it all sounds oh the blind side
“Can you believe that?” You shake your head. You can’t believe it. It should be on Ripley’s show.
This line has killed me. It’s also the line that told me I’m in for a good laugh and I have not been disappointed 😀
Eish..if that is what men go through. God have mercy on you.
She better talk and talk. I bet no man wants to come back to his talky Nancy only to find her sulky and quiet, mumbling yeah..and uh-uh to his questions. That would be walking on landmines…
i laughed this out…but i dont talk nowadays when i realized that you people get too used to someone talking when all u do is use your eyes and not replying a thing.Aghrrrr
My head was buzzing reading all those random conversations.. how can one talk about 50 things at a go? Sorry my Mr. if I’ve put you through this at any time 🙂
Yeah, I feel you bro
Women can be so verbose, banal, trivial
Name it. And yet, they are all we got from God Heself!
Ha ha ha this just made my Monday so much brighter.
“You don’t know who the hell Judy is but it doesn’t matter, she could be called Nancy and the story wouldn’t change”.
This is just amazing… I can literally relate. Hahaha
This kinda talk has happened to so many men weh
Wa, if this could be me I’m even scared now :-0! I was literally running out of breath reading this, but this lights on guy is on point.
Couldn’t read thro’ the whole but skipped to the last lines, my introversion characters came to play coz I can’t imagine listening to that much. I have thetendency of putting myself in character with the flow.
Hehehe…so many stories in one sitting..waah..Poor men, the things we put you through..anyway the #SafaricomPostPay message is home..
I laughed all through
I could perfectly visualise the couple. Plus I read with a wide, silly grin
“She’s now absentmindedly playing with the hair on your chest, holding one and pulling them, trying to unpluck them as if testing if they are indeed embedded in your body or they are fake. That shit is painful. If this is foreplay it isn’t working. At all.”
The pain acha tu….. Anyway thanks for the Covid 19 bonus on a Monday, laughed all through
ha ha ha
She sommer can’t keep quiet,BORING!!
The end is abrupt; like stoping the car with hand brakes. This is like a one scene movie.
Biko has just described me
I have laughed at almost every single line. Too hilarious. Kept wondering what the ad was. Nice!
I saw the notification come through then spent the rest of the day thinking that it was Tuesday.
Sat up in bed, hot cocoa in hand ready for my read/treat, and then got introduced to me!!! Looks like I should apologize to dear hubby – or explain
Weeeeuuweee…. Too much! I’m a woman but I’m lost…
I swear I read it in her high pitched voice!!!!!! And for sure I know Tim…….aaarrfgghhh
How nice to get a Biko email alert on a Monday!
Awesome writer you are, Biko. Massive respect from Accra, Ghana.
Haha, no one should have that torture at Lent…Intermittent fasting of words is allowed. God bless all listeners; it’s hard work! May the thoughts of our mind and the meditations of our heart be measured not by airtime but what pleases the Father above.
I wish to the powers that be that i am not paired with her in these quarantine lotteries
Why can’t women say they have periods before they start any conversation? They taaaaaaaalk you liiiiisten then when you think you have paid enough by liiiisteniiing and touch the thigh to signal you want the adult sleeping peel, they tell you they thought their periods would be gone by now si they can go see the obgyn. Mungu anawaonanga.
That’s one talkative gal, after getting to the 3rd paragraph I had to restart to get the gist of the conversation .. .. “ ME I” Is a Kenyan signature
I dont like people who talk like this.
Who else gets the ” Maria and Lucia” thingy?
I seriously sound like this… ♀️ I can talk his ears off… muhahaha.. but kwani it’s a bad thing. You know kwanza vile hii Corona we shall self quarantine! I need to stock up on essentials. Hebu I call him… tehehehe…
I have lol’d coz I seriously thought it was me…
Huyu anahitaji quarantine my friend….
Wow wow wow… Hold up.. Do women talk like that… Reading it is just exhausting.. Slow down.. Go to sleep ir go marinate some chicken..
Wuehhh do we talk that much?
This is soo hilarious…Lakini wooii tumeonewo
Ha ha ha ..
Are we this mouthy?
Anyway, nice advert for Safaricom
Congratulations to my husband for having to stand all these noise for….what? 33 minutes.
Now that it’s Tim, I totally loong for such a mate ..
You know, just to get a feel of it..
Is this how it feels like? I feel like I owe my husband an apology. This is me. Soo me
Ato wat did i say… water weighti died##tulitoka huko kitambo!
As one ages, the muhahe reduces. 22 years into marriage, I honestly barely have much to say. You become like two dudes and often you snore first.
That monologue is tiresome to read, I wonder how the guy fared listening. I would’ve been lost kits no!!
My poor partner. That sounds like me.
You grin at the pot in darkness. Or maybe she’s the kettle and her mom is the pot…..
Loved the story and the title wow. Would love to read your book one day… It’s on my to do list….
Hahahaaaaa,,so true! So us women
Haha,wish I had my girl, I haven’t yet experienced thia
This is so real Biko
Hahaha, read this today this so real… Could hear my anxious voice in those sentences on a crazy day.
What did I say? “Water weight” .. Dude got it so wrong . This cracked me up .
That’s a very happy woman. We rattle when happy. Watch out for nill by mouth.
Could never be memy mouth tires so fast.Also,thumbs up to the guy,because if I were in his position,Biko would’ve been narrating a different story,my tolerance is negative.
Good reading, was waiting for the real story to start, what a waste of time
…verbosity at its best!
I need one such babbling brook in my life.
You can’t read while she speaks but you still get your head bitten off because you haven’t. Poor Man(tis). One of the reasons you’re here is bacause you read. And you enjoy it.
She also loves how hardworking you are. But still complains how you don’t spend that much time with her. You listen diligently putting the right word where you should but with that, you aren’t open enough. You’re not engaged emotionally.
Si ni life!
Airtel’s post paid has 400 mins talk time, 8GB of data and 2,000 smses. Pray why should I choose Sufferingcom over Airtel?
The quality of connectivity is poor with airtel.am an all-time safaricom postpaid subscriber.
This is a great piece……I love
This is very interesting..
Haha this is so me, I am on the floor laughing hard
The god of talk, catchy.
Waaaahh!!!! I’ve just had an episode of this (though I wasn’t blubbering). I realised I’ve been talking to “myself” after dinner. When hubby asks about something I had talked about to him for like 10 minutes!!! Nani ako na shida hapa really?
I feel for such men…though I can’t ‘yada yada’ for 30 minutes non stop
Goodness! I have come to the conclusion that there is a school ‘em babes go to …teaches them how to interject totally unrelated stories and the story still flows. Also how to parrot non stop at a speed or 300 words per minute
Hahahaha this is my life.
As if she’d been walking in the sun …had one who used to speak like this,..Stella…I ran away.
The comments alone combined from women are more more than the story itself…
….wait she takes the maternity leave and the number she talks to on daily basisi recedes,,, she has to meet her target of 10,000 words with you in the evening with lights out!
I can’t wait to do this to someone
This how marriage bed is!
First of all, I’m using this PostPaid package. The best there is in the market, by far!!
Secondly, reading through this post, it reminds me of a chic I know who can talk for hours and hours without stopping… You just need so say, “tumbler” and she’ll have tonnes of stories on her experiences with tumblers. Mahn, You will get tayaaad! Anyway, it is what it is. 🙂
You can only imagine what’s going on with self quarantine and curfew.
Waaaaah i guess am a man i barely talk for 45minutes leave alone all those hours
Now you know what they mean when they say “I want a romantic man who can LISTEN…….”
Hilarious story and the accuracy is just spot on of how some ladies are. I guess some ladies are like this to entertain us. They are there to spice things up.
“I told you!” She exclaims as she applies some ointment from a small pink tube written Vitamin E. It’s supposed to be anti-wrinkles but it’s also anti-ageing, anti-carjacking, anti-constipation, the only thing it can’t protect her from is office politics.
and how could i be this held up??? evening made!
ndio huyo mimi sasa.
The ending is absolutely genius. Though i am curious, how willing were you to do this? It lacks some of that Biko pizzazz.
It’s not Biko… The lights on segment is written by other people… Probably Eddy if I’m not mistaken
The things we have to go thru as men
Great piece… 25,000 words.
Liked the part she plucks his chest hairs as if ti confirm whether indeed they are not fake …
If i feel this exhausted reading it,how abt the one listening???in another life i still want to be a woman though…we are special..
I feel so attacked by this readbut in a good way
Hahaha, you are wicked. I have to hand it to you though, the way you’ve advertised Safaricom, am sold!!
That part of wassup being flashed out, that’s sooo me…full blown domes
Dude doesn’t know how to play along
So relatable…had me in stitches just how accurate it is…..
In High School, we used to call this chic’s talk “Verbal Dios” for Verbal diarrhoea hahahaha
Wuoooo.. Such like drama no need for radios and tvs in the house.. Hehehe
did you have to use that example, really???!!!!… it’s nice tho…
Hahahahaha I’ve laughed so hard. Goodness we as ladies were given the gift of gab, no doubt here. I followed all the stories though, they were interconnected
Whoever invented marriage. Sisemi kitu
I can’t stand motor mouths. Gimme a brooder any day