Goodbye 2017


I didn’t post anything last week because I was thinking. I was seated at my desk at home, leaning all the way back in my chair and staring out the window dreamily. I have a massive wall to wall window that overlooks the verandah of the neighbouring apartments. There was a bird standing in the opposite balcony. She had just done her nails. She was leaning on the balcony, balls of cotton wool stuck between her toes, rifling through her phone. I could hear her nails dry. She couldn’t see me through my sheers, but I could see her which technically made me a peeping Jack. She had on her house clothes; tired-looking track bottoms and a well worn t-shirt. She had a physicality about her that seemed to magnify in the sun.

My mind drifted. I thought to myself, I would like to run away to some place. Some place far away. Some place with a beach and an old boat with paint peeling off the sides. A boat that is constantly moored at the shore and gets slapped slapped by waves. Sometimes children play in it. Sometimes it gathers puddles of water when it rains. Other days a bearded, wiry old man sits there, sucking on a homemade cigarette wedged between his bony fingers, looking out at sea through eyes that look cataracted. A boat whose owner nobody knows. A boat without a name.

But I can’t run away to a place like that now because our coastline is now choked with Nairobians on holiday. Do you know the most common thing guests at hotel buffets at the coast say in the mornings now? Come on, don’t be lazy, guess.

“You look familiar.”

And this is when you are waiting for your waffles to be done. Another person from Nairobi in his beach shorts. Now you have to stand there with your waffles growing cold as you guys run through all the places you might have seen each other.


No, I was in Moi…uhm, Caribea? [It always goes back to bars]

No, I don’t go there, well maybe once for Gogo’s birthday last year.

Gogo? The one who sings?

No, that’s Gogo Simo. This one is Gogo, just Gogo. He’s a farmer, or rather, he farms for people who are too busy or too posh to get mud on their shoes. His company is called

That’s an interesting concept. [He turns to the chef] Yes, omelette…. everything but ham…just a little green pepper. Yeah, that’s enough. Make it well done. [Back to you] Do you work at KCB?

No. Do you?

No. But I bank with them so I thought maybe you are a teller.

Haha. No. I don’t count money. I spend it.

Haha. Boss…

[His face lights up and he snaps his fingers]

Queens? You go to Queens?!

Er, No.

[A baby shows up and starts pulling at his shorts] “I want more juice! I want that green juice!”

Is that your daughter?

Nah, I don’t even know whose kid this is.

[The little insists] “Dad! I want that green juice!! That one!!”

But she is calling you dad…

I have never seen this child in my life. She’s been following me since we checked in jana.

Aaah, then let’s move away from her.

So, no. Coast isn’t what I was thinking about. That boat without a name might be there but so are people who go to Queens.

I swung away from the window and Whatsapped a friend.

“If you were given one chance to run away, where would you go?”

I stared at the message. It remained grey tick for a over a minute, so I gave up waiting and swung back to the window. The bird with balls of cotton wool between her toes had gone, carrying her drying nails with her. My view was now a white wall, reflecting the sun. The sun shone brightly but not harshly. I nibbled on my pen. Then I heard a message come in.

“Phu Quoc,” she wrote.

I quickly Googled Phu Quoc: Small island off the coast of Cambodia, in the gulf of Thailand. Damn. What a coincidence. It seemed like a place that would have an old boat moored at the beach.

“I think this is the kind of place that has a boat that nobody uses,” I wrote.


“A boat without a name.”

She started typing. Then stopped. Then started typing again. Then she typed and typed and I wanted to ask her, what the hell are you typing for that long, a dissertation? There are people you can’t chat with because they write long blocks of chats instead of chats in each line. They make chatting so arduous because you have to sit and watch them type a bloody scroll. Does it kill people to write one line then another then another? Then what’s with the stopping while typing? Type and send. Type and send. Type and send. Goodness!

She was still typing. Then she stopped typing. Finally her message came in.

“Imagine I can’t swim?” she wrote. Goodness grief! She typed for three hours to write she can’t swim? I bet she also can’t ride a bicycle. Or make good dough for mandazi. Or can’t whistle. There are people who can’t whistle; they fold their tongues out and try very hard to whistle but only air comes out. And you say God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

I wrote: “By the way, how long can you have balls of cotton between your toes before the polish dries?”


I put away my phone and turned to the laptop and wrote about the highlights of my 2017.

Here we go,not in any order of importance.

Here is how I knew Tamms is slowly getting into that womanhood zone. I was in a bar on a Friday night. About 9pm Tamms Whatsapps me and says, “Papa, my stomach is paining.” She had been acting very needy because her mom had travelled and she was feeling abandoned and so she kept saying her stomach was paining. She took Relcer for her hyperacidity and I told her to sleep early and dream of nice things like strawberry. Now she was texting again.

“How bad is the pain on a scale of 1 to 10” I texted back, “1 being ‘not bad’ and ten being OH MY GOD, MY STOMACH HURTS SO BAD I WANT TO REMOVE IT AND PUT IT IN THE FREEZER!”

“What do you mean?” she wrote back curtly.(Either she has no sense of humor or she never wants to laugh at my jokes.)

“I mean, how bad is the pain, darling?”

“I want to go to the hospital,” she wrote back.

I whatsapped her mom because mothers know what should be done. “Take her if it will calm her down,” she texted back. I was secretly hoping she would say, “It’s fine, she just needs to sleep, if it persists in the morning take her.”

“Okay, dress up, I will be there to pick you up at 10:15pm,” I Whatsapped Tamms.

Then I went back to my drink. At 9:45 pm she Whatsapped me.

“Is there jam?”

“Jam for bread?”

“No, traffic jam.” (See? I can never make her laugh.)

“No, why, darling?”

“Because I’m waiting.” (She’s as impatient as me.)

I wanted to write to her, “What time is it where you are? Because where I am – IN KENYA – it’s still 9:45pm. But that would have made me a bad father. So I downed my drink and went and picked her up and we went to Aga Khan’s pediatric clinic and at the nurses station they took her vitals (all fine) and asked her to go step on the weighing scale. The male nurse was an enthusiastic, young, cool guy, probably fresh out of nursing school. Great with children too. He even made Tamms chuckle, which is something I do once a year if I’m lucky. Maybe she was just chuckling to play me against the nurse or maybe she just found him funny. Whatever it was I was going to be a bigger person because I had had two doubles, so I was in a very happy place.

Anyway, we went to that weighing scale and she chucked her shoes and stepped on the scale and it read 50kgs. I wanted to say “Darling, just how heavy was your dinner?” but I didn’t. Here is the thing, she asked me how many kilograms she was and I told her 50kgs and for a brief moment there I saw in her eyes what I believed was panic or disappointment. “Is that a lot?” she asked casually and I said, “No, that’s okay, I’m 87kgs, that’s a lot.”
“But you are big,” she said and it didn’t hurt my feelings one bit because I had had some whisky and I was in a good place with my 87kgs.

That 50kgs then hung between us like an unspoken taboo. Nobody wanted to touch it. It hung in the car as we drove back after midnight, her snoring softly on the passenger seat and me afraid to drive over 50km/hr.

I wrote this story about my grandmother on IG/Facebook in May. She’s knocking on 90. I wrote about how she thinks I’m a boss at Nation. How she thinks I know Raila personally, like I can call him. How she is convinced I know many important people. I said how I shamelessly and unapologetically perpetuate this belief of a poor old woman. I tremendously enjoyed writing that piece. They are pieces I write with immense love. This piece about her was one of them.
One of my cousins told her I had written about her on this strange thing called the internet and now “eeeeeevrrybody” knows about her, she is famous! She called me so happy and excited, to ask me if it was true that I wrote about her on the newspaper (she can’t wrap her head around what the internet is) and now the whole world knows about her. I lied to her again, I said “Yes it’s true, the whole world now knows about you.” She laughed so much and felt so good and I felt so good. I think at her age it is such small things that give her a reason to smile in her world of arthritis and aching back and an empty homestead with only her cows and framed pictures of her children on the wall (half of them dead) for company.
Today I will be seeing her in shags and I will show her the story from my Instagram and read her all those comments. So please if you want to send shout-outs to my grandma, do so here Instagram post tell her she is still young and beautiful. She will love that. Who wouldn’t?

Joe Mutugu, CFO, Old Mutual. HERE. Business Daily Africa

He’s a recovering alcoholic who was peaking in his career but then plunged into the watery arms of alcoholism and then dusted himself off and got back on the horse. He allowed himself to be vulnerable during the interview. And when we really got into it, he was so raw and honest talking about his problem with booze and how it felt to be down and out. There wasn’t enough space to capture this man’s essence in 1000 words. He needed pages and pages because he’s like tons of us; functional alcoholics who wear suits and because we drink single malts our problem isn’t termed as a problem.

Speaking of booze…

I wrote a small book. I spent a year writing it. I respect people who write books, because that shit sucks everything from you. It’s laborious.In fact, it’s like labour, because you forget how painful it was and you keep going back like I want to do in 2018. You can buy the book here Fireplace or here Amazon I will be printing a few copies because some people say they can’t read books on devices comfortably. They want to smell the characters. Look out for that.

Nobody in their right mind goes to Europe for the beaches, not when we have Watamu. But should you ever find yourself in Barcelona and you have a day to kill, take a train to the small coastal town of Sitges, an hour away. It’s a small charming seaside town with little cafes and restaurants and narrow cobblestone streets that open to the beach area. We sat in the verandah of a makeshift cafe at the beach. Before us were tourists and locals sunbathing and reading in their loungers and recliners. It seemed like a normal beach tableau, save for one thing; nobody was wearing a bra…including the men who should have been in bras. If you go with company and you are a breasts-man you are in trouble, buddy. Because then you have to pretend that you aren’t noticing the myriad breasts walking up and down the beach, from the ones pointing up at the sky from their the lounge beds to the ones pointing true north.

I didn’t like the beach because of those topless birds, I liked it because they served fantastic grilled sardines and prawns and amazing burgers and our waiter was ever so curious about Africa. I drunk bourbon, ate enough sardines to start a fish farming business in me and napped on and off until sunset.

Most people in the public light have two faces; there is the face they show the media and then there is the face of who they really are. The most deluded of these people are those have forgotten to separate the two and, as a result, have come to believe they really are who they show the media. These are people who have bought into their own façade. What this means is that an ugliness normally simmers just below the surface of this charade. This particular woman was one them. She said things on the record then she went home and freaked out and demanded to see the copy before it ran. She threatened us with lawsuits and bullied us and became this extremely ugly person who was a complete departure from the person I had met. Hers was a textbook case of delusion of grandeur. I hardly regret meeting people I run into in the course of work, but I deeply regret meeting her. Her story is the one story I am embarrassed to have my byline run under and I emailed her and I told her as much.

MY BEST BLOG STORY God is a Gentleman loved writing it because I didn’t know how to write it. I felt unworthy to touch her story. And when Lydia came to Java to meet me – with a face carved by the merciless knives of her tragic past – I suspected she didn’t come alone. I think God sat there next to her to listen to her account because sometimes when I think of God I think he likes to show off just a bit.

I went out to Kaddu Siwe Ssebunya’s house in Karen to interview him. He’s the president of Africa Wildlife Foundation. Very fresh and sharp Ugandan guy. There are massive and tastefully furnished houses that never feel like home. Kaddu’s wasn’t one of them. It was that kind of house you want to and say, “I could live here,” because it has a warmth to it. It’s a home, not a house.

So we are in the middle of the interview when his two children troop in from school (it was their holiday break) herded by a young and strikingly beautiful lady. They are those children who go to those posh schools. They were so self-assured and well-spoken. You know them, those children who make eye contact? The children hugged their father and he introduced me to them and they all had small excited banter before leaving.

Anyway, we go back to the interview and I ask Kaddu, “was that your daughter?” and he grins and says, “No, that’s my wife.” You could feel my foot getting shoved into my mouth all the way from the end of the Southern Bypass. “She is beautiful and so youthful!” I muttered. He laughed because everybody wants to know their woman is arresting. “I married well,” he said modestly.

I wanted to hide behind one of his paintings.

I carried my own bottle of whisky onto this yacht in Santorini, Greece. The yacht sails around the neighbouring islands the whole day, stopping by some islands for people to swim and what not. It was the morning of my 40th and I didn’t want to partake of the complimentary beverages offered on the yacht – basically beers, wines, some odd spirits etc. I was the only black skin there, and I got on board with my own box of Glenmorangie tucked under my arm like it was an important map to a treasure island.

Boy didn’t the mzungus stare?!

I didn’t care. I was 40 years and two hours old, I had paid to be there and I wasn’t about to drink complimentary whisky that I wasn’t going to enjoy. I sat next to this siren on the deck, lying down, drinking, going down to fetch food, drinking, listening to music. Midway through, an old couple (Americans) started conversing with me. The nice lady said her husband loved whisky so I poured him two fingers. He loved it. Then these two Asian/ American couple started a conversation. She said, “He knows all about his whisky,” which is like saying, “He has been staring at your whisky since you opened it, won’t you pour for him a bit? He is embarrassing me.” So I poured some for him. He loved it. Later, at lunch downstairs someone said, “It’s his birthday, he is turning 40!” then the whisky lovers thrust their glasses at me for a fill. Then they sang that silly happy birthday song and I blushed a little because I hate that kind of attention, but I was 40, when else is a group of white folk going to sing a happy birthday song for me on a yacht off the beautiful islands of Greece?

There is a moral here. If you drink lots of whisky in the sun on a moving boat, you will imagine that boat will never dock and when it does, you will step on solid ground and you will turn to the person next to you and ask, “Wait, do you feel the earth move?”

I visited Maseru, Lesotho in May. I was staying at this hotel called Avani Lesotho and Casino. It started raining when I landed. It rained the whole of that afternoon which meant I couldn’t go out for my assignment because the hills were muddy. Thankfully the hotel was very posh and my room was something so I stayed in and sat facing the Caledonspoort border of South Africa beyond the hills. At night I went to the bar and had dinner and eavesdropped on boring bar conversations of chaps in seminars . It rained the whole night, which meant my assignment was impossible during the morning. Next morning, I walked for an hour down to their small CBD to roam about in the very slight beautiful drizzle. I bought tracksuit pants in a local store and walked back to the hotel. It rained all afternoon and I wrote up in my room then came down later and flirted with Fifi, a female staff member, who possibly saved me from going brain dead from boredom. My assignment, by this time, was dead in the water. Then a Kenyan lady I had interviewed ages ago – Mary Njoroge – saw my IG post and said, “Biko, I work here! Where are you!” I was super excited; Kenyans!!! Kenyans! It was like seeing a ship after bobbing at sea on a small dinghy with no water or food.

So they came to my hotel and we had dinner at the Chinese restaurant next to the Casino. The next day I flew back with no story to speak of.

You pay a tidy sum of money for them to go and colour within the boundaries, sing, slide, eat and then nap in the afternoon. They wear oversized shorts and these colourful bags and Bubblegummers which are the ugliest shoes children will ever wear because they look like unfinished sea vessels but they are hardy. Besides, those kids don’t to go school to catwalk, they go to sleep in the afternoons.

And it’s beautiful to see them start and catch colds and flu from other people’s children and when you go to pick them up they look like the school has a mine where they are forced to work for free. The best part is when you find all of them in the corner of the classroom, sleeping shoeless, some snoring, others’ legs spread wide, a clutch of little people starting life with power naps.

You can pay some money to go to Johannesburg and walk with lions. I don’t know why anyone would do that. I did it because I was getting paid, otherwise I wouldn’t have. I’m black. Plus, World Animal Protection (WAP) doesn’t like it when people walk with lions or kiss giraffes, or kick stray dogs. I bet when they saw that picture of people burying dogs many people at WAP got migraines the whole week. Some took leave to go pray. Would I walk with a lion again? Yes, if they can spell my name.

I woke up one morning to find someone had tweeted (twat?) me: Toni has married Birdman. I remember thinking, “Nooo, she can’t do that. She can’t marry that primate.” But she did. My day never recovered from that news. Neither have I.

Thank you the editors here, Linda, Mutanu and Ochieng for cleaning my mess here with your big hearts. Thanks to my dutiful travel agents Wahu and Catherine of Saffara Travel Ltd, for always pulling a rabbit out of the hat. Wahu particularly for being ever so patient about my obsession with Exit Seats. Thank you, Jo, for being the unofficial eye in the sky and for always calling my bullshit. Thank you, Vera and Alex of Moran Capital Management for always knowing where to place my eggs because left to my own devices I would fry them.

You guys. No, I mean it. You could be doing a million things with your lives on Tuesdays but you come here and give me your time and it’s mostly a laugh. I appreciate your numerous emails and your wide ranging comments. I know everybody despises the first-to-comment brigade but come on, every family have that special child and it’s our duty to show them love and to continue praying for them.

As per our tradition, I will give you an opportunity to ask me anything between now and 5pm today and I will answer. Nothing personal surely. Don’t ask me what you wouldn’t answer yourself. So then, no mention of foreheads.

Assuming that this post has been posted at 10am sharp, I’ve probably just landed in Kisumu and I’m probably driving to shags as we speak, so I might not respond immediately to the comments, but when I arrive in shags (which is NOT Kisumu!!!) I will sit under a tree and get cracking on my laptop.

Thank you again for reading and for being absolute sports, have a wonderful holiday and stay safe. Shall we meet here again on the 9th of January, if God agrees?

So long, fancy pants.

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        1. Biko, I’m not a super fan of yours but I appreciate your writing. You are certainly gifted.

          I would like you to make time to meet me for a coffee sometime this January 2018. I’m 10 years to 40 but I am wise. I don’t have a deep dark story. In fact I’ve been more fortunate than most and for that I thank the generosity of Providence but I want to talk and I want you to listen.

          Let me put it out there that I have no designs on you as a man and moreover a married one but I reckon you’ll come away not having wasted your time.

          I expect to hear from you

  1. Thank God my comment is third today. That means Biko might be able to see it 🙂

    Sir, if you are reading this, I just want you to know that you are my role model. All of your stories move me and push me to want to know more about people, especially the story about the lady in the forest and a letter to your twenty-year-old self. You have made me take a bold step of starting a blog too and talking to people. I hope to become like you one day. You are amazing, no matter how much you may think you procrastinate 🙂

    From an overly fascinated fan

    1. Peter Wesh, this must be the shortest comment you have written this year. Thanks for your interesting insights here. Indeed it has been a great year. Thank you.

    2. Peter Wesh are you okay?Was your account hacked? Are you on limited internet today that you couldn’t write the usual comments we are used to?Lol..

  2. What do you think of Binyavanga’s writing Biko? Sometimes it feels like you guys might have been classmates.
    That was my question otherwise, I think you have been incredible this year. Between Christmas and 27th I will go to my shags in Murang’a and when I am done with bloodying my hands I will sit under a tree , sip a whiskey and read “drunk”.

  3. Wow,this is awesome…its been an year full of laughter and tears….especially that post of(there were birds but they didnt sing)God bless you more,cant wait for a piece about kids…remember that one of photographers(during parents day at school?)heheee,
    ur blessed.carry on with the good job
    happy holidays

      1. “I stare at the message and think, is this chick doing a PhD or certificate in metalwork?” Nothing I’ve read made me laugh more than this line this year. Finished!

        Btw, its quite tricky, scrolling back to your previous blogs especially older ones. Is it possible the website design guys make this easier.

  4. Please put the correct URL for the Instagram link, so that it’s clickable (href if you get it), I want to remind her how cool she is.

  5. Thank You, for giving us something to look forward to every Tuesday. Makes Monday’s worth the while.

    Now, whatever happened to the lady in “There we’re birds, but they didn’t sing?” That was arguably the saddest thing I’ve ever read my whole life, and knowing someone went through that and still manages to find goodness in others is big inspiration. Anyway, you bought her a phone, do you still call it to check up on her?

      1. Her story touched me deeply and I made a small contribution to UNHCR through the paybill number you provided. I got a call today from one of the officials at UNHCR to say thankyou!! And when asked what made me make the contribution, I was happy to say I read a touching story by Biko!!

        God bless you

  6. Happy holidays Biko..I always look forward to Tuesday and read one eye on my laptop and one on the lookout for my boss who thinks am always online

  7. BEST PEOPLE IN 2017
    Biko,Thank you for writing.
    The 40’s series was amazing,everything you write is amazing.looking forward to 2018 reads.happy holidays people.

  8. Inserting links in a blog post, you are doing it wrong.

    Thanks for blessing our Tuesdays.

    Grannie still looks fresh and has a killer smile. Tell her there is a Ugandan lad that is willing to move in if she’ll have him. Yeah, I’m one of those chaps that go overboard with assignments.

    Qn: I’ve always been curious if you have any side gigs that do not involve farming? Do you sometimes revisit the spatulas and test tubes? Have a farm of rabbits somewhere? You look like the kind of guy that keeps rabbits to study their mating habits.

  9. Hahahahaha. I laughed so hard going through this post. 2017 has been a bomb year for me. I am so grateful.
    I have a couple of questions to you Biko,
    1. Why do you not ever acknowledge the ladies from your comment section?? You know how much we love attention now
    2. Chelsea boots or Oxfords??
    3. If I was to send you a happy holidays gift for always making our Tuesdays, what is the address I would send it to?
    4. Will you ever organize a get together for us? We need to put a length to Clif’s height and a face to your forehead.

    Happy holidays folks

    1. yes bumble bee. when will he organize a get together for us. We need to see his forehead and how tall cliff is. I will get him his whiskey if that’s what till take. have been a member of the community here though I don’t comment because of the first here comment guys coz my parents taught me second is not good enough(pray for them,the first comment guys not my parents) I would like to meet most of you guys.
      Write him on [email protected] and make him organize this. Its been an awesome year and we are looking for more in 2018 biko. Happy holidays you beautiful ladies here.(see acknowledgement there for you ladies bumble bee)

    2. 1. Haha. I will work in that in 2018. my apologies for not knowing which side of this toast is buttered 🙂

      2. Oxfords.

      3. Email me on [email protected] and I will hook you up. Is it a car, by the way?

      4. I think kina Wesh here can do that, they seem capable.

  10. Hahahahahaha. I laughed so hard going through this post. 2017 has been a bomb year for me. I am so grateful.
    I have a couple of questions to you Biko,
    1. Why do you not ever acknowledge the ladies from your comment section?? You know how much we love attention now
    2. Chelsea boots or Oxfords??
    3. If I was to send you a happy holidays gift for always making our Tuesdays, what is the address I would send it to?
    4. Will you ever organize a get together for us? We need to put a length to Clif’s height and a face to your forehead.

    Happy holidays folks

  11. I am curious about your worst interview in 2017. Is it something that made it to your Business Daily section on Fridays? Just tell us where to look for it,you don’t have to tell us who.
    Otherwise thank you for making 2017 a little bearable. For the stories that made us pause and be like we can get through this.. like that whole God is a gentleman story and this other one you did recently about this guy you met with at Naivas who had experienced loss (can’t remember the name), to your musings on fatherhood and everything in between.. And I don’t know if you get enough credit for this but your Friday Business Daily Interviews are a winner. I don’t think there is one I have read that didn’t inspire me.
    I hope 2018 is good to you. And once again, asante sana.

  12. Last week felt like trudging through snow and rain, then getting to the blog step and finding a monstrous padlock; instead of warmly being welcomed in, offered a change of clothing and made to sit around a bonfire, given a piping hot calabash of fermented uji to drink as we listened to stories.
    Then I thought, after being in Kyuna-country, and taking in gulps of that rarified air, maybe it led Mr Biko to some silence and introspection.

    Tamms already worried about her weight..ha! Kids grow so fast and you find yourself missing the little cute people they were at a particular age in time.
    The best travel destination story reminded me of that time on the beach at Pula, Croatia…all these grannies found bras unnecessary and were happily basking, talking and laughing all the while bare-chested. I stopped staring when I realized I was the only one staring.
    I read that insta story of your grandma and I felt a little envious, my two grannies on both sides are long gone.
    Not to throw shade but it’s amazing with the number of editors you have, we always stumble on a healthy sprinkling of typos here and there.

    1. Yes, they do a great job but typos are like weeds, somehow you always miss one or two. Thanks for always reading, Achieng.

  13. what a year and what a. reread ?2017!the daughter/wife resonated well with me when the doctor examining her told me :don’t be squamish!she is your wife!she was my mom!

  14. It’s been interesting reading your posts which made me love my Tuesdays. The 40’s series was my BEST!! Learnt alot from the experiences as told by the horses themselves and creatively penned down by you Biko.
    I’ll be in your shagz county tomorrow….Can I meet you? (You’ve just given us permission to ask you anything).
    Let’s meet again on 9th of January 2018 GOD willing. Have yourself fabulous Christmas holidays.

  15. wow!! Always a pleasure Biko “hearing” from you(that’s how seriously i take my Tuesday “dates” with you!) Are you taking on any mentees? woud love to sit at your feet and glean some wisdom.
    Happy Holidays too

      1. Thanks Biko for always making my Tuesdays amazing. For me the best story of 2017 was Sulleimans goat. I love how you bring about your stories, always, always something to light up my days. Btw have u called Suleiman again?? And about Kim going to school & coming out looking like a miner..hahahaha. That got me because as a parent I can totally relate. Anyway have a.blessed Christmass and a happy 2018 full of more blessings

  16. Tuesday is the day I actually look forward to and that because of you Biko.A job well done it is.And my question,have you ever been to North Eastern more so Garissa??

  17. Biko you bring us amazing life experiences from people and your own in the most vivid manner, in a style that either leaves us stitches or thanking God for the free good life we take for granted. How do you do it?Getting stories out of people?
    I wish your granny Merry Christmas and many more years

  18. But Biko, did u expect that bird to leave her drying nails behind? I love your writing.

    My question: are u a morning or evening person? When are u most creative?

  19. Thank you for writing!always here for the lessons,puns and well written words.
    Looking forward to 2018 reads.
    happy holidays!

  20. Thanks for an amazing year of great reads. Did you stop writing for True Love? Have not seen your articles for about 2 months now.

      1. Your comment*Saddest thing that happened. You know I actually read True Love starting from the back page? I haven’t recovered yet. That qualifies as the 2017 heartbreak. No more laughing out loud like an idiot in the salon with absolutely no care of what everyone else is thinking about your outbursts. No more reading True Love starting from the back page. In a nutshell, it’s a sad story.

  21. This year I caught feelings over you… In this sense. Some Dude I met this year had the audacity to say… “Biko is overrated” I caught serious feelings. My pal will tell you how much I ranted over it.
    No, I didn’t tell him off, but I got over it.
    Thanks Biko for making me read.

    1. Where does this guy live? Or work? Where does he drink? On which days? Does he carry a firearm? How heavy is he? Let me handle it. Delete this message. Lock the door. Don’t talk to anyone. Thanks Winnie.

  22. Hey guys, I am no Biko but you could prioritize this one too.
    Sorry Biko, this is like piracy.
    It only happened once.
    Meet Jackie a 27-year old lady who lives in Kilimani, Nairobi. I met her in a posh bar down in Mombasa Road as you drive towards Taj mall. I had come to the bar at around 12 noon all the way from Kabete because I thought Whisky in Kabete was becoming younger, so I thought I wanted old, everybody wants old, especially old Uncle Jack.

    The day had been all along boring, where the previous day I had hurt my knees as I was trying out stunts with a borrowed BMX. So I couldn’t sleep the night off and the worst of all could have been visiting the dressing clinic just to find the nurse who mistakenly fell into nursing instead of Air-hostess, way beautiful at Almas Hospital – where I have my health insurance – asking of the events that led to the accident, massaging my knees maybe her one hand on my thigh and I could end up nursing a boner instead.
    Beautiful nurses want to ask questions especially when they purchase a color matching Victoria’s Secret. They want to know why you typcally put pepper on ripe mangoes, why you don’t shave beards, whether you would fore go coffee for soda, whether you prefer vanilla or strawberry…blah blah, but they won’t ask you whether you would mind taking them out for a beer night.Hey, I meant super, beautiful ladies…beautiful ladies are selfish, but light-skinned beautiful ladies are super egocentric, much selfish than thick ladies who will wear micro-miniskirts and sit in the matatu, but you still can’t see shit deep inside.

    Back to Jackie. I was gulping Uncle Jack, double on the rocks and this lady comes straight up to me like we had an appointment. If we had one atleast not with a super beauty.
    “Hello, I am Jackie”, then she unashamedly wears a facial that tells me I should be surprised but I don’t, just because I am me.
    “I am Joel”. We hug and she begins to talk (She talks alot of things I am supposed to fathom well enough when I am in 4th floor) and doesn’t look away from my unbuttoned shirt, ooh I mean 2 buttons from up. She is taking Glenmorangie and I am on my 4th double and since Uncle Jack never disappoints, I ask her to rise up, there and then it dawns she eventually is becoming a charm, well executed form of beauty that never was. More than the super beautiful nurse, remember her?

    Jackie is in a crop top and a short, linen short -more like an ancient panty- they call it booty short nowadays.
    She also has a tattoo slightly below her armpits, which I want to make fun of but I don’t because Jackie seems content, more spice to the soup, she has another one that she explains guards her forbidden fruit. So it must be super close and I cant stop thinking its a Wells Fargo guy with a rungu tattoed so badly by a tattoo intern, which imaginary makes it look like that portrait of “Lion of Judah”.
    The tattoo on the lower armpit certainly isn’t properly done which makes me doubt the class in her.

    She has begun getting closer and I ask why she came straight up to me. ” I have always wanted to pull out that stunt, because I think its cool and zero time consuming” she says.
    “Did it work?” she asks. Well I am a little jumbled, so I ask “Did what work?” she laughs, hard enough and I now can see the true colors of Glenmorangie. Pretty sure Glen is no baby.
    “Cut the chase Jackie, do you want a one night stand with me or I’m I way out of track?” I ask.
    “Is there something like One afternoon stand?” In a serious tone she asks, we laugh and now I see she has white snow teeth. It can’t stop me from wondering whether she atleast have something imperfect, odd or negatively off the norm. The tattoo is not enough testimony, yet.

    She is now bent on the counter table, her chest against and now her tits are 3/4 popped off the bra sockets, her right hand on my left thigh and now I want to call more shots. I take her hand which feels smooth like cucumber, 3 days in a freezer. She doesn’t wear fake nails but there still are evidence she used to eat her nails down to the roots before she realized there are men who love ladies with elegant nails.

    Jackie’s frequency of blinking is now higher than before, therefore its crystal clear what it is she really wants, she isn’t talking seems the battery is intentionally going low. I am looking at her and she can clearly see I understand what she really wants only she don’t know that I am a patient man especially on Nairobi women. I want to bring her more closer so I could feel the odour of Glen off her mouth but the counter guy won’t stop looking at me, probably wondering how much stupid and dis-oriented I could be. She is up on her feet again, now sandwiched between my upper feet, her arms, edible-looking arms around my neck, her red lips smell of strawberry but Glen doesn’t give it enough chance. The lips are in slow motion saying nothing but precisely saying everything. My right hand wrapped around my whisky-glass now sliding down towards her ass. I didnt let it known to my left hand what my right is up to because the Bible is clear “Thou shall not alert the left hand about the good things the right hand did”, but conjecturably they meet at the common. Its soft, (soft like spongies deeped in cold paint) middle sizeable. Guy, you feel me?
    I cant stop squeezing them, meanwhile she is talking things I cant impute, at least not now. The next thing I realize is she has stopped kissing and want to take it to the next level. Oh boy, we in a club Jackie. She doesn’t care, the heart wants what it wants, I can see it inscribed on her forehead,she wants the hard bone, I can’t resist the honey pot longer, so I carry her up to the parking lot where my car is, I open the rear door and my wife is looking at me, my wife wears spectacles but now her eyes are naked. I want to drop Jackie but I am Roman Catholic, I want it to be a dream but who feels tangible ass in dreams?

  23. How did I get to know of Biko? Yeah it started from reading true love magazines to Saturday daily nation man talk and then to your blog. You have been amazing in all that you do and thanks for been that inspiring figurehead that relates with people from all backgrounds,age groups etcetera you name it. One thing though I get to see bits of your hand maybe legs in gram. I think my bucket list 2018 is getting to see you face to face. At least put a face to the posts. Weird but hope it ain’t much to ask. Happy holidays Biko.

  24. Reading this has made me nostalgic, not sure why I got so teary while reading it. Thank you Biko for giving me a great year with your pieces. Looked forward to each of them. Have aa great 2018 and I hope you will still run the 40’s edition.

  25. Tuesdays are always the best because of your posts.Great writing,never dissapoints.My question is,have you checked your Instagram inbox?would love to hear your response on the issue i sent you.Thanks

  26. Great Read and thanks for making every Tuesday of 2017 interesting.How do you manage to stay faceless? there’s almost no Photo of you online

  27. Question, Biko: (raises hand) I’ve been waiting for years on end for that interview you did on Kyuna… The one you touched on on your IG page. Where can we get it please? Thank you.

    P/S: Thank you for everything… You’re an inspiration.

  28. Great writing as always Biko. My boys and I will take you up on the holiday ideas *wink *wink
    There are good days and bad, may the former be more

  29. Reading this has made me nostalgic, not sure why I got so teary while reading it. Thank you Biko for giving me a great year with your pieces. Looked forward to each of them. Have a great 2018 and I hope you will still run the 40’s edition.

  30. Will you still do the 40s series next year? Was absolutely my fav!! Though everything else you write is still awesome❤❤
    I don’t always comment but I read every post.Happy holidays!!

  31. …been one of the quiet ones this year, Biko, what happened to the lady in ..there were birds…? Lots of people who I forwarded the story to keep asking.

    Que. 2. There are some of us who can’t hack the masterclass for one reason or another, would you consider a one day marathon sit down where we can come and just gawk….?

    Happy holidays sir….

  32. It’s quite gratifying to always pass by and drink from your wells of unremitting sequence of grandiloquence. Pause, now bless your prose. That’s entirely my tuesday dose. It’s like Christmas every week. Then your insatiable obsession with boobs, makes me think you never get any sleep if you fail to place your hand on a boob. Does she ask if you fancy some titties when you sink into depression because that would be your reincarnation? Is it now safe to say that a pair of breast could be flagged as one of your Achilles’ heel. ?

  33. Well it has been a pleasure having been introduced to your blog this 2017 but if it makes you happy I have been your number one fan from true love magazine and Saturday nation mantalk. Thanks for been there every week on Tuesday’s you don’t know how much I looked forward to your posts and lastly thanks for been the amazing inspirational figurehead that relates with all people despite their background,age groups etc you name it.
    I feel like your the kind of person I would like to see face to face. The teasers of hands and legs on gram we can do away with come 2018. But for real though my bucket list is having to meet you face to face. Weird but would like to put a face to the name and posts. Anyway blessed holidays FAM.

  34. It’s quite gratifying to always pass by and drink from your wells of unremitting sequence of grandiloquence. Pause, now bless your prose. That’s entirely my tuesday dose. It’s like Christmas every week. Then your insatiable obsession with boobs, makes me think you never get any sleep if you fail to place your hand on a boob. Does she ask if you fancy some titties when you sink into depression because that would be the source of your reincarnation? Is it now safe to say that a pair of breast could be flagged as one of your Achilles’ heel?

  35. Thank you Biko for all the amazing reads in 2017. Post a picture of your face in 2018 so we can finally put a face to the name 🙂 And maybe then you’ll get a whole new crop of groupies who say “I know you! Biko right? “instead of “you look familiar”. Happy holidays!

      1. Biko I saw you, Sunday 3rd at the Hub Karen during the Safaricom Christmas choir thing. My friend and I used the descriptions you always give us to identify you.

  36. It has been a great year with you Biko.Long live so that you can light up many more Tuesdays to come for us your fans Insha Allah.

    Happy Holidays to you and your family

  37. Never been a great commentor, but an ardent reader. All I can say to you is a big ‘Thank you’.
    Thank you for the great witty stories, thank you for mentoring my budding journalism career (you do, maybe you should send me an invoice). They say a story told is a life lived. I’ve lived a hundred if not thousand lives because of your stories. Enjoy the holidays Sir, and please note that meeting you is my number one 2018 resolution. God bless!

  38. Biko, if you were stuck in a relationship with someone you don’t desire anymore, in love with someone who doesn’t respect you or see you as worthy, with a possibility of spending Christmas holidays with a borderline depressed parent after the loss of a relative ….(breathe)…… and you have just realized in a couple of months you will turn 28 without any real achievement in your life, how would you spend the evening of the last work day of the year?

    Also note Mombasa or the coast in general isn’t an option because, well, you are broke.

    1. I would look for that one person who always makes me laugh. They could sneeze and I’d be dying. That’s the person I would spend my last day at work with. Good luck.

  39. Tuesday has always bore some goodies for me because of this space. Your creative pieces laden with imagery make my mind drift when am at work. I’d like to share a single malt whiskey with you Biko. Give grandma our love.

  40. Chocolate man. Could you please hook me up with a single chocolate / vanilla man? I don’t want to spend the holidays alone.

  41. Only questions I have are only those I wouldn’t answer myself! 😀

    Happy Holidays to you and yours, Chocolate man! Thank you for the #40sSeries! I cried,laughed, got mad and still somewhere in there..there was God!

    Lets do this again in 2018!

  42. No questions from me but I am certainly looking forward to an AUTOGRAPHED copy (with a snazzy quote) once you get on with printing. I do read on devices but am shopping for a bookshelf so a physical copy would be super awesome at this point. So don’t forget

  43. Fantastic! Thanks for making our Tuesdays lighter and happier. Thanks for sharing stories especially the stories for 40s! The stories greatly inspired. For those people who let us the readers get into their lives by sharing their stories, THANK YOU! There is always something to learn from other people’s lives, some inspirations in knowing that people go through certain experiences and come out strong, and life is made more fun when there is laughter. I look forward to more in 2018 now that you have started your holiday break early. Enjoy the village and hugs to grandma. for the memories of 2017, many remain etched in my mind. I wonder about the post you wrote on rape and had to put it down, what did that mean for you? I don’t see it highlighted above. Does it fall in any category above? A huge thank you for the Masters writing class.

  44. My first comment on this blog 🙂 I have to ask though, how did the 40s series sad stories affect you? They moved me to tears and I don’t even know those guys so they must have had some effect on you.

  45. Biko, my best in 2017 was the 40 series, when you read what people have gone through in life, it really changes a mind set on some of the stuff that I would worry over or get pissed at. Enjoy the holiday, you will be missed

  46. Only the women are asking about the worst interview(moshene moshene)!! Anyway, Biko because of your posts, i forged an amazing friendship and we ALWAYS talk on Tuesdays regardless of how busy our schedules are. I guess we have you to thank for that. hehe.

  47. I always look forward to your posts. Thank you for the simple yet profound reminders that we should live, laugh and love more. Say hi to your grandma and yes, age is just a number. Happy holidays!

  48. Hi Biko .Its been great reading your piece every Tuesday …Most profound was the about the lady ..birds don’t sing…Made me realize how animalish(if there is such a word) we can be …in our human facade

    As you rest recharge with enough kuon and fiss….jienjoy Kenyan style …..

    And why as Kenyans with all our fake sophistication we always have to go to shags to feel at home ….kwani tau si home??

  49. Thank you for making my Tuesdays worthwhile throughout the year.

    Wishing you wonderful holidays too.

    The only thing I would ask is when we can hook up for a bottle of whiskey.

  50. This is the first time I am ever commenting since I started religiously reading here more than four years ago. I appreciate you for your realness. It takes courage to be real and people relate to those who are genuine. Let me know whether there are some stories I can share with you but probably can only ever be published posthumously – whenever that will be (not because they are criminal in nature!).

  51. So Biko, you have been thinking for what, 12 damn days? I missed your forehead!! I see you have been thinking real hard. And looking too hard; leave toe nails and cotton balls alone!

    So Tamms is growing up on you. Now you know to prepare for those pharmacy runs for Tampax Pearls. Not the cardboard ones; those hurt during application . Always. Not Kotex tafadhali. She will kill you with one look.

    I wonder if you could delve into the life of the enthusiastic male nurse and see what he is about? If he wasn’t cute you can pass….

    Kim’s school scenario is so endearing! That touched my heart the most coz my 8 month old, who won’t let me read your post in peace and just wants to eat the phone, seems to be rushing to get there and I just want her to slow it down!!

    As you kick back in shagz, is your grandma updated yet on her fame? Indulge that queen! Will go to IG soon as I finish here.

    That WhatsApp is the devil. It kills me too when someone is typing what seems to be a scroll for Moses and Joshua and then you get a three worder. Like, are you serious??? But yeah, that shit kills me. Just type and send, type and send. Pauses make me start questioning my preceding comment or whatever.

    Phu Quoc. Has your friend ever been there or she heard about/saw it in a movie? So random!!

    I will definitely check your book out. Grabbed one by Peter Kimani (dance of the Jakaranda (sic). . Biko you have to read it. The humor and how the story flows! Amazing writer. I refuse for my African authors’ collection to be digital. So you better have some prints soon coz my book shelf is starving.

    Pardon my diasporan ignorance. But Tony na Birdman ni mboga gani? Kienyeji coz I have never heard of them. Google pap!

    I have rolled my eyes at the “I commented first” gene pool. Maybe I should start praying for them. Meanwhile, pray for me; this is my longest comment ever!!!

    Smart fella. Exit seats have more leg space. And higher chance of survival in the event that Sully is not piloting.

    Love you Biko!

    Mrs. Roulette

  52. You make my Tuesday’s Biko.

    On a Scale of 1-10 how was your first blog (1 being Fuck what have i written and 10 being Am so proud of you Biko you can write :-))

  53. Thank you Biko. For the laughter mostly and all emotions stirred during the few minutes I read your articles. The 40’s series was something else! You’re one of my 2017 highlights, always a learning experience for the the gang (can we all have a get together already? Peter Wesh could be head of planning committee for sure) My question is, what are the odds (1-10) we could have a date before I turn 21 on the 29th of September 2018? No, really, I’m serious That would set me up for life Please and Thank you.

  54. Hey Biko,

    I have never commented before but I have been reading this blog for the past five years or so. I decided not to email subscribe because I used to get such a rush remembering its Tuesday and I would log on to the website and read your work. Sad to say it was even more exciting on Friday nights when I put my kids to sleep and had held off on reading you all week waiting for some private time to really indulge.

    Now I have finished campus, got two kids, my SO and I broke up, got jobs, got out, and you are still here every week.

    God bless you Biko, God bless your family.

  55. I am looking forward for a printed copy of your book as its true some of us cannot from devices.
    Thank you for making our Tuesdays amazing.

  56. I started reading your blog when I came across the story on sky diving on facebook; haven’t missed a post since. Read “Drunk” in one sitting.
    Will you continue to do the 40s series? Loved them. Happy holidays. Hope Tamms gets to laugh hysterically at your jokes one day.

  57. One day I will die and if I’m to carry anything in this world, it would be the pieces you write.
    The book thief was a good read.
    Anyway, is there a possibility that you have pieces which you have never posted? Kindly email me them. They will keep company till 9th January.

    Happy holidays.

  58. Biko, i am one of those fiercely loyal readers who never miss Tuesday class. I rarely comment though! Its been an amazing year. The 40s series touched my heart in the softest of places.
    Where’s a photo of you walking with the lions? Prove or it didn’t!
    Here’s to a happy 2018

  59. Hi, Biko… You grew on me. Yep! I was one of Clay’s die hards. Thanks for making my Tuesdays better than Mondays… To you, your family and mostly your beautiful grandma, Merry Christmas and a happy new year.
    Looking forward to 9th January!

  60. Thanks Biko for bringing me to this Tuesday Dose. It makes the week worthwhile, glad seeing the world through your eyes. Happy Holidays.

  61. You make at least one day of the week bearable. Thank you for that.
    Also, how do you pick out your mentees?
    I’d love to be one.

  62. Finally.. Biko kindly be giving notice when not posting on Tuesdays.. The hang down is real.. we look forward to that email alert. I cant be refreshing my emails to check if i missed it. i even went back today in the morning to check if it came..
    Some of us are addicted to your writing. Otherwise Merry xmas. Enjoy shags and grannie.

    1. Eeh bana…aki last week yote niliishi kwa website nikingoja.Jana pia woi…Then I gave up and today it was there…wuhuu
      The thoughts I had about why there was no post…waah acha tu

  63. I discovered you in the Saturday Nation some years back. Your writing style is very refreshing! Keep it up…Enjoy the well earned break.

  64. Thanks for making my Tuesdays Biko. Wish your grandma happy holiday for me,mwambie pia mimi namjua.
    Just wondering, do you always do a follow up on your interviewees, like the lady from the Congo forest?
    How’s Olaf btw?

  65. Biko, first salaams. 🙂 I had been reading and following this blog since 2012, but I was always entering and leaving without a word (read commenting). Last year, a time like this, while in Shags, I wrote an email with loooong boring stuff, but discarded it later. I still regret it because it contained a lot. From the forehead to Paul Njogu, a man I always remember.
    Speaking of Paul, how is he, by the way? (See, a Kenyan will not hesitate to use by the way even if it is a 3 a.m. conversation).
    I think you need to look for him next year (that is if he is alive) and tell us few things. I (we) want the killer to call again.
    And look for stale bread, that 18-year-old girl from PBR. We are curious to know more about her diaries.

    Happy holidays ans tell grandma to keep smiling. 🙂

  66. Thanks chief for your juicy articles that always leave one asking for more…and also apart from your writing prowess you are also good at ensuring that none of your photos leak online….so please mine is a request(humble) reveal yourself.

    Happy Holidays

  67. Abiki!Gochna Lol! well it’s been great reading all articles Biko and yes am still looking forward to meeting you in person once day.You added more years to my life always whenever i read from you only few sad moments of tears like the black Prince.
    My greatest read from you was when you wrote about your mum in one of the Saturday nation newspaper(Mothers day) longtime ago i still remember todate. I love it whenever you talk about her (mum) and yes i have read your articles for very long.& remember all of them off head like am going for an exam.
    Happy Holidays!Mos jodala tee…….

  68. I envy you Biko. That you could sit and stare at a bird in your home. And still, live to talk about it. I will tell you what happened.
    I was in town standing on a balcony. Bored with shopping which was taking forever. I just wanted to go home and lie down but I report to somebody.

    So I got lost in my thoughts. Thinking how badly I need to get The Karizma ZMR bike. I thought about riding to wherever and a smile crossed my mind. Coincidentally, a bird was passing across my line of sight. Bubbling up and down like that villain chick in Diamond’s “Nasema nawe”. Unawares to me, the shopping spree had ended and I was caught with a smile to my ears. That one has been recorded in my book of misdeeds. Waiting for that day when it will come in handy.

    So Biko, teach me your ways. Your bird watching ways.

    Sitges in Barcelona here I come. To stay. Happily ever after.

  69. Thank you for always making us smile and for inspiring us chocolate man. Happy holidays as well. Pass my regards to your granny. Tupatane 2018. Inshalla

  70. I’ve been reading your blog since the viral Visa Denied. I stopped for some time then came back and I’ve never stopped hitting the refresh button every Tuesday morning since.
    Which post do you consider your magnum opus? Have you ever thought of a great idea, two days after hitting the publish button and gone:” Shoot why didn’t I think of this earlier?” If so do you just let it slide or do you slide it in, in a future post? How much does the writing masterclass cost?

    1. Kitoto( nice name)

      Masterclass is 15k.

      Yes, sometimes I remember better ways I should have delivered a story, but that never comes with regret. Another day, another story

  71. ….That day you commented on the guy who spoke of selling avocados in your comment section..hahaha that was a good one.

    The 40’s people was genius.

    Cheers !!!

  72. This is my first time to read.. I feel like I have gone through a transition… I have experienced humour , laughter and knowledge. … did not want to reach the end… great work and cant wait for 2018 … enjoy your holiday…

  73. I enjoy reading from you as much as i enjoy reading John Grisham’s books. You make my world come to a standstill and transport me to a different place in a different time! Looking forward to January 9th.Happy holidays!

  74. thanks chocolate man for making my tuesdays worthwhile!! I never realised how addicted I was to your articles until last Tuesday when there was no newpost notification on my email!! I refreshed the damn page till I had to ”accept and move on”

  75. Biko, discovering your writings was one of the highlights of my year. Thank you for the laughs. What would you tell 24-year old Biko?

  76. Well l’m and ardent reader and member of your Tuesdays groupies.

    My first post like ever and l have this thing l do which is full blown groupie whenever you review a place especially in Nairobi on Tue or Wed l tend to go to the places you have mentioned just to feel like l was at your presence. So thanks for take me all over those amazing restaurants and bars ……And yes those reviews are totally meant for me. Keep them coming.

  77. Indeedy, God does surely have a sense of humor. I always love the articles where you mention Tamms, daddy-daughter goals.
    Thank you for having this platform, my low-melanin content pal (read mzungu) found me reading your articles one time and that night she binge-read every article and now she comes here every Tuesday.
    Great job and how big is your forehead anyway *evil laugh*

  78. Happy holidays Biko! Thank you for Biko Tuesdays ….Pass my regards to Dani and the whole fam. Tukutane papa hapa 2018 by God’s Grace. Cheers!

  79. Your comment*Biko it ever pains u to see a talent underutilized? pls talk to Ian Dancun of ‘Tales of the silent’… I visit his blog every week and all I ever get is a big rusted padlock.

  80. Thank you for making our days. And for bringing out the emotional me …I thought it had since left. Alex the Gas Man and ‘There were birds but they didn’t sing’ changed my outlook on life.
    Enjoy the holidays.

  81. Hi Biko,am excited you”re responding to the texts.Makes me feel the connection ,kinda.
    Next year, lets get more stories about mama Tamms,about Kim and about the house girl.
    Merry Christmas.

  82. That 40’s thing – the series, not the birthday – was the real deal. Gracias. I am a man,a total man, but even I had to blink twice in ‘There were birds, but they didn’t sing.’ The strength that papers over the scars of Lydia Wanjiku in ‘God is a gentleman’, the sheer terror faced by Janet in ‘That time they captured us’…. Irrepressible.
    P.S. (I have never known what this means, does it mean ‘please’) Stick to reality writing. Leave fiction to Meja Mwangi.
    Merry Christmas.

  83. Great piece as always, one question…do you like have a real job? I do not mean head of Nation stuff you grandma believes, like a day job…or is it just making our Tuesdays worthwhile? All the travels and blogging is looks like heaven, any regrets?

    1. My day job is writing. I love it, yes. Regrets. I should have done this sooner, which doesn’t really make it a regret, does it because I was on the trenches, which is key. Regret? I wish I had loved my mom more, better.

      1. It’s a child’s burden to wonder if they loved their mother more or well or better. A mother is always in the knowledge that their child loves them unconditionally, because that is what mothers do…love unconditionally. So rest in that knowledge that she knew how much you loved her even if you didn’t know it yourself

  84. Biko, i always look forward to Tuesdays. Thanks for making them worthwhile. You my friend are my sunshine on a cloudy day and there have been many of those this year so i am truly grateful that i have your blog to look forward to.
    Happy Holidays and let us meet next year, Inshallah.

  85. Biko, thank you for not only making our Tuesdays, but also for inspiring us to read, live and read. Your masterclass is one of my 2017 highlights 🙂
    You edutain, make us laugh silly, cry rivers and whatnot…
    You truly make a difference – thank you, man.
    Happy holidays. God bless you.

  86. You inspired me to start buying and reading books. Just finished reading The Book Thief yesterday, my third book in two months. Gosh! reading is addictive. I’ll buy yours once the hard copy is out.
    qtn: Between your forehead and Larry Madowo’s which one is bigger? Just trying to put a face to the blog.

  87. Very few bloggers have captured my attention for so long. You have a gift and thank you for sharing it with us.
    Have a blessed holiday…I hope you carried some whisky with you. I always picture you with a box of the stuff under your armpit as you go to write.

  88. Thank you Biko for this blog. I started reading it to escape but in more ways than I can count, I have found some comfort, truth and wisdom, inspiration and courge but moreso, a certain unity and brotherhood from these stories that inspite of what life throws at you there’s the possibility of living and learning.
    Thank you and God bless you in the years to come.

  89. I came here and fell in love, with the hilariously penned pieces, not you Chocolate Man.
    You have encouraged me to pick up the pen again.
    Why is Kim not Njogu as promised, hmmmmm? (yes, i have gone aaaalllll the way back, better late than never.

    Talk on email? With enough prodding, I look forward to guest writing for you.

    Happy holidays.

  90. Have always lived for the Tuesday stories, you write so beautifully.
    You did well with Drunk!!

    I would like to round up all people who jumped to be the first to comment without reading and whip them because the irritate the hell out of me.

    Happy holidays Biko

  91. Have always lived for the Tuesday stories, you write so beautifully.
    You did well with Drunk!!

    I would like to round up all people who jumped to be the first to comment without reading and whip them because the irritates the hell out of me.

    Happy holidays Biko

  92. Thanks Biko for the great things we learn from you.
    Who wrote the erotica article : “The Good Life” . If it’s you, what was the inspiration? A book excerpt? I wonder!!
    By the way we miss our signature “The Gang”.

    Happy holidays!

  93. Best decision I ever made was to subscribe to your daily post. I’ll never find enough words my heart to say how grateful I am to you. How can I join masterclass????

    Thank you, thank you thank you and Biko don’t you think 9th January is a bit too far? Write a Christmas blog for when family dramas get on my nerves and all I need is an escape, Please

    Merry Merry Christmas

  94. Bikozulu is among the best things that happened to life after avocado 🙂
    Thank you lighting up our days with your creativity, not to mention the 40’s series.So many lessons to learn. Thank you!
    So, how is Joe black?Is he planning to take up the blog later or can i come for the master class and replace him?
    I admire your consistency keep it going!

  95. You have made me cry… once…that story on the Refugee was so full of all sorts of emotions. I love reading you on Tuesday, you bless me indeed! Thinking of doing a 50s series? Yeah you have readers in that age bracket count me in! We have 5 decades of stories to tell. Have an amazing break, love to Grandma.

  96. Talk of questions between now and five……..your writing is so easy yet so smooth and interesting……… do you do it…… how did you start………………because I know I can though I am not you match but I can….just answer those two please.

  97. seated at my desk over lunch time coz am overwhelmed with tasks and voula…..Biko has a story today right so I go to the blog. You are a breath of fresh air and with that I go my lunch time walk, as I gaze at monkeys jumping from tree to tree in our complex. Why do Monkeys have blue balls? actually turquoise…

  98. Always a good read. This year I told a friend that this is my best blog and the he said he does not like your writing. I was like “you are just jealous, you can barely write and you have the audacity to hate such good work?”
    Merry Christmas.

  99. I remember your story about donating desks somewhere in Kwale / kilifi that imagery stuck. How are those children… Any further support that could be offered?

  100. Biko ,thanks for your style. It is what brings me here every Tuesday .Ooh and the fact that you remain a mystery still .

    Happy holidays

  101. Thank you for a great 2017. I’ve cried, laughed, hoped and learnt alot. Thanks for sharing your space and taking us with you to all those places you’ve been to.

  102. Biko, thanks for making me look forward to Tuesdays. Thanks for making me catch a break from work and laugh my a** out. But for ‘God’s Not a Gentleman’, ‘There were Birds But They Couldn’t Sing’ (I think that’s the title) and the 40’s series. I am in support of you printing the book. I bought the online version but I have never read it. As you go for the holidays, stay safe and have fun.

  103. Hi Biko,

    Thank you for always hooking us up with those amazing stories. They have made my year. Last week when you did not post anything I was really downcast. Please do not do it again…I am a Ugandan naye nkufiirako maani! hahahah… Anyway, 2017 has been awesome and am grateful for people like you who have made it worthwhile. I look forward to many more interesting blog posts from you in 2018 especially the 40’s series. Those blog posts made me so emtional banaye! God is a Gentleman is my best blog post this year. Keep up the good work and i pray that The Lord blesses you with wisdom and wealth for a life time! Yeggwe Asinga ( Ask your Ugandan friends what that means).
    See you in 2018!

    Yours Truly,

    An Ardent Ugandan Follower.

  104. Biko, God is a gentleman evoked emotions in me that i am yet to put into words and i’m glad it was one of your highlights this year. Looking forward to 2018;)

  105. Hello Biko. Amazing post as always. Mine is more of a recommendation than a question, but maybe it’ll end up looking like a question as well. Is it possible for you to ask your tech guys to shift the “like” and “comment” buttons to the end of your posts? I don’t know about those who read your posts from computers and laptops, but for those of us who read from our phones, it’d be easier for us to like and comment the post after we’ve read it and not before.
    Thank you and happy holidays.

  106. Hi biko. Thanks for the great pieces. Meanwhile, can you mentor me? Just done a story titled #singleMumAt20 that has got 1300 likes & reads in a day. Here is the link.

  107. Biko, God is a gentleman evoked emotions in me that i am yet to put into words and i’m glad it was one of your highlights this year too. Looking forward to 2018;) Happy holidays

  108. Wow! Biko this has been the year for me always making my Tuesday wonderful and creative, just finished high school I remember breaktime and I’d borrow the prefect’s phone just to read your post. Thanks a lot man. next year same spirit inshaAllah

  109. Itiekaga. Anyway mosna dani. Abiro dala Friday. 2017 has been awesome especially knowing that Biko Zulu can never disappoint. Merry Christmas jatelo.

  110. Musajja wange okola kya manyi nyo sebbo. This has been my best reading year. never have I looked forward to a Tuesday date like I have. reminds me of those tv shows we would wait a whole week to watch. .
    Asante sana afwoyo matek….

  111. Your work makes me very happy. Your flair is so effortless and your sense of humor Unmatched .
    Don’t ever stop writing. Please..

  112. Thank you for making Tuesday’s cheerful. The 40 series was awesome. Though someone told me ladies are not turning 40 in Nairobi anytime soonKeep going!
    What happened to Chero – the one who was doing something on loosing weight. There was also a lady who used to write on bringing up
    Kids or something of the sort?
    Gods blessings and guidance in the season and to the new year.

  113. I love how your words just bring life into anything. Be it that you are talking about a goat, a cow, a “slay-queen” bird or just lions. Its amazing.
    P.S: I feel like i am the only one who has put a face to your blog 🙂 I met you (well, really just saw during the sky diving trip to Watamu with the Maina Kageni Road trip tour. But I am too introverted and shy that i didn’t even get to say hi to you.
    Happy Holidays Biko and see you here in 2018.
    With Love from a Kenyan fan in Joburg, SA.

  114. I feel like we are related already. Its sad that I won’t be seeing you till Jan 9th. We should arrange for coffee at Java just to confirm your youthful self but I suspect your are that guy at the stan chart marathon ad on the billboards.
    Merry Christmas Cousin (read Kasiin).

  115. Biko, how many countries have you traveled to so far? I love travelling too… need to calculate how far I am, before turning 40!

    Thank you for always making my Tuesday… Happy Holidays!

  116. How happy was I when you responded to the happy birthday message I sent you on IG. Haven’t deleted your response yet…don’t think I will.
    On the real though, I love the way you write, yours is a work of art… Even when you don’t have a story, you have a story!
    One of my favourite stories is the one you wrote when you turned 40. The other is about the birds that were there but did not sing. You got me at the title by the way… I loved it because there is a lot that can be said about Africans but the one thing that have across the board is a great sense of hope in a better tomorrow. That lady’s wish to listen to music is evidence of this fact…
    So what did you do with your mum’s number now that it belongs to a Somali? Will you delete it or dial it once in a while to check up on him? I lost my mum this year and it was horrific for me to read that. Like how dare they?

    I could go on and on… Merry Christmas and I wish you the very best in 2018. Barikiwa

  117. I really enjoyed the 40s series.It opened our eyes to lots of stuff.Above all,it made us all see that through good and bad times,there’s life.
    Then my questions.Which is your favorite plays of all William Shakespeare’s?
    Then which three books did you read this year that you would reread again and again?
    The last one,which African political figure dead or alive would you wish to meet?
    Thank you

    1. I remember Othelo vaguely. All of Norah Ephron’s books were really entertaining. Also Jon Fante’s Ask the Dust was a good one. African leader? Haile Sellasie and Thomas Sankara.

  118. Waiting for the hard copy of the book…
    Happy Holidays Biko, Tuesdays are my worst days at work but that notification always makes my day a little better!

  119. How you keep finding words and writing so many pieces on the regular is beyond me and something I’m in total awe of.

    Actually, why do you write/keep writing?

    And thanks for your work. It really does stave off a lot of existential crises.

  120. Tuesdays are made terrific by your posts Biko. After the masterclass, I can’t help but read and picture you talk about it, like you’re narrating it.
    Yeah, so what book are you reading?

    Thank you for being here! Salimia Bett <3
    Enjoy your holiday and tell your shosh she's pretty cool.

  121. Thanks for all you shared. You kept our smiles on.
    Live long and enjoy your holiday Biko.
    From us; your Kutus following. ✌

  122. Thanks for dedicatedly sharing your works its been a pleasure. What has been the one lesson that stood out for you this year? What’s take on the boychild debate?

    Happy Holidays!!

  123. Hey.. to ask you anything and you will respond. Will you kindly read my start up little blog and tell me what you think of it .

  124. A good way of winding up the year.
    However, I discovered you’ve a nasty habit of not replying to my emails. I wonder what would happen if people went cold to your emails.
    I have been counting three emails right now, and sometimes I think to myself maybe I send to the wrong address and recheck. How does it feel like not replying to some emails?

  125. Biko the best moment this year was actually seeing your forehead when you can to speak to us about blogging and your journey at Daystar. heheehe… Someone would think it’s from here to Tumbuktu. Salimia grandma.

  126. Its always a good time here on Tuesdays Biko. Your stories are always a breath of fresh air. I thank God for you 🙂
    Two questions:
    1. What keeps you awake at night
    2. And I dont mean this in a judgemental way, ,utaokoka lini?…( I’m sure I’m not the only one here who hopes this happens )

  127. Am such a fan that the only thing I wish to ask is; how come you are not a psychologist? You know how to read the inner man of people you interact with or is this a trait of good writers in general?

  128. My most emotional read this year was’ there were birds,but they didn’t sing’, That article made me appreciate life more than ever and be grateful for the little i have. Biko, i am so proud of that lady. she never gave up for her children. the things she endured for her kids; emotional, mental and physical torture she endured. she’s is truly a hero. Happy Holidays Biko and will you please pass my regards to grandma. Happy Holidays guys.

  129. How do you share your life story and still manage to keep your private life private?/Asking for a friend.

    Like if she published her story, will life ever be the same again? She is one of those who enjoy obscurity and revels in the silence of solitude but believes she has a story to share.

    Is it possible for her to walk into a super with matutas on, make up, nothing whatsoever on her face? Walk into a restaurant and still order for a cup of tea…and insist on African masala tea and have no one judge her? Is that possible, once her book goes out???

  130. I love and admire how you write your mind biko.its a great gift you have and thanks for sharing your gift with us.nxt you should offer one of us to mèet u..make it a test then the winner has to have dinner or lunch with you..

  131. Just curious why is that we rarely hear a story about Mama Tamms?
    Otherwise thanks for making our Tuesday
    Happy Holiday Biko

  132. Hi Biko, I have read you for four years straight. All I wish is to have your photo. I want to put a face behind all these amazing stories. It would be a lovely Christmas gift. Merry Christmas Biko. The 40’s reads have been the best stories ever.

  133. Biko, you write as if you’re speaking to an old and familiar friend and yet…you must be an introvert I believe to be able to dig in so deeply , and extract feelings and thoughts so well…thank you for enriching our reading.!

      1. Tee hee hee! You’re right ..just old..My fond regards to your Granny from a fellow (albeit younger) granny, let her know I concur, our sons, they are special, but our grandsons..I can tell you for a fact, they are our real superheroes! They are smarter, cuter ,stronger ..yaani the bonus that life hands you..just because.Blessings this Christmas and into the new year.

  134. My personal theme for next year is “God is a gentleman, if you allow him, he will take care of you”. when i prayed this morning, those words were ringing in my mind.

    Thank you Biko for the 40 series. It encouraged and strengthened me.

    The best people come here every Tuesday to read and comment; I don’t know his name but he made a comment on one of your posts, it has been pasted on my heart. I refer to those beautiful words all the time. Thank you ALL!

  135. It’s been another awesome year with you Biko. You have made me laugh but mostly learn. Oh you have no idea how I look forward to this read every Tuesday and you can imagine the disappointment when nothing comes through, I refuse to feel entitled though.

    Happy holidays to you & your family chocolate man.

  136. Biko. The first time I read your blog post (Visa denied) I had this psychic premonition that you and I could speak in a coded language of words, not signs and symbols, because I have a thing for well sculptured words. But then again with time it occurred to me you are cut from your own piece of cloth. So before this day gets on its knees let me say that you have made my year. I adore your writing. I do. I always look forward to Tuesdays and your stories. A part of me was sad the whole week because you didn’t write last Tuesday (haha).

    This blog has sort of become a replacement of those love letters we received in High School. Every time letters arrived (read Tuesday) you hoped you’d receive one (blog post?!). Some day we’ll meet in your master class. Until then, keep making my Tuesdays LIT (millennials, smh!). Happy Holidays Chocolate man!

  137. Somehow my comment disappeared before getting a reply 🙁 Thanks for the many laughs and emotions stirred up during the Few minutes of reading your blog. I often repeat articles BTW.
    The 40’s series was something else! You’re one of my 2017 highlights, always a learning experience for the the gang (can we all have a get together already? Peter Wesh could be head of planning committee for sure) My question is, what are the odds (1-10) we could have a date before I turn 21 on the 29th of September 2018? No, really, I’m serious That would set me up for life Please and Thank you. Merry Christmas Chocolate Man . God bless.

  138. wow…..what a year! for me the most touching story of the year you did was on that lady refugee who was kidnapped by militia and told to cook her child, it literally made me breakdown but your ending was even more touching when you asked her what she wanted and she told you all she wanted was a phone with a radio…..indeed little things count, God bless you Biko and happy holidays.
    Karibu Kisumu though

  139. This blog is my Tuesday religion and the only blog i read! I am always refreshing my page when i get to the office!
    God is gentleman changed my perspective on life. It was a blessing. So the only reason i used to buy true Love was because of the back page. Why did you leave?

    1. Been buying the Magazine since God knows when…!, then I buy last months copy and I looked for last word…even started from front page to last thinking that they probably moved it to the first few pages, called Tuskeys and asked thrice…”mini mbaya na hii True Love? Mbona haina last word?” Customer care guy even had no idea what last word is, dude tells me, “pages zote ziko tu.”
      Am looking for a new magazine to fill my days.

  140. The day you posted “God is a gentleman ” I was in the hospital bed having gone through something similar. I would say that post was a turnaround for me, so thank you.

    And I still hope to meet you someday…
    happy holidays

  141. Hey Biko, are you informed that our Magunga has grown beards?
    I mean two strands of hair for a beard!
    I thought that should also be memorable for 2017.


  142. My Tuesdays turn out to be worthwhile just from reading your posts. Am drawn to your vivid descriptions that give life to your pieces. The 40s series really keep me going.
    My qstn; 2 things i may not know about you???
    That will make up for all the Tuesdays till 9th Jan

  143. I pile up your stories, but I eventually read them because I think you’re one hell of a writer!! A Kenyan writer!! Looking forward to reading your book.

    You excite the millennials and fascinate the 40s (read me and others)… At my age I only need simple things, your blog is one of those 🙂

    Happy Holidays ahead Baba Tamms

  144. bikozulu… I come here every Tuesday.. I read Satmag.. and both make me laugh so hard and I often can’t wait for next time.. I’m Tamms with hubby.. I deliberately refuse to laugh at his jokes (esp when they’re to get him out of trouble for staying out late) ..he usually says he’s glad I don’t know you personally.. And that’s when I laugh. At him.. Anyway God keep u safe, fancypants.. We need you.

  145. Hi biko, I started the blog, then 50 something stories later, I just don’t feel like writing anymore. Do you sometimes feel that way? If so, how do you deal with it?

    1. Oh yes, some days are hard and on those days you just sit and write. It gets much better with time, though. Dont get off the horse.

  146. Tuesdays with Biko…you made them worthwhile..totally enjoyed the 40’s series hope to get some more in 2018..
    Happy holidays..
    Qn. So what were your favourite reads in 2017??

  147. I liked the 40s series, they made me know I am not alone in this thing called life. If you were not a writer, what else would you want to do?

  148. I have read this article from the time I received the notification,, like how you keep pausing a good movie when its about to end ndio isiishe. Keep up the good work Biko and happy holidays!

  149. Dear Biko,
    There are some of us who read but never comment. Not because we do not have something to say but because we are left in deep thought or in stitches. That said I have friends coming from as far as Switzerland to as close as Uganda who religiously read your work and share it with others. Your great work goes beyond our borders and we appreciate it. Happy holidays!

  150. Biko, Umewai itwa Mbiko na Mmeru ukaskia Kumboeka??
    That’s a fail for me.

    2017 has been good. Thank you for the many beautiful, sad and inspirational pieces. Enjoy your holiday.

  151. Am a huge fan of your work, you don’t know how excited i was when i discovered that day at the 2013 or i think 2014 story moja festival that your a tall bald guy, i was so happy to be honest if you were a short dude i would have stopped reading your stories cos am visual like that, and every time i would read about your holidays i would picture a short dude behind a comp probably swinging his feet from the chair and that would change everything.(i digress) . I have really enjoyed your stories about people the one about the lady in the forest really hit home, especially because it was a reminder of how much i take for granted. So this 2017 am grateful for the internet because now i can respond to your articles and not have to buy the whole Saturday newspaper to read your stuff. am posting this at 4.15 pm because i love the idea of living on the edge…. lol……… anyway you have never written about your wife how come? i have always wondered about that……. Enjoy shags.

    1. i was so happy to be honest if you were a short dude i would have stopped reading your stories cos am visual like that, and every time i would read about your holidays i would picture a short dude behind a comp probably swinging his feet from the chair —–this is super crazy

  152. My Tuesdays turn out to be worthwhile just from reading your posts. Am drawn to your vivid descriptions that give life to your pieces. The 40s series really keep me going.
    My qstn; 2 things i may not know about you???
    That will make up for all the Tuesdays till 9th Jan

  153. First time commenting.I have been reading your articles for the longest time since my early twenties into my thirties. Thank you for always keeping it fresh and interesting.

  154. Hi Biko sisi ni family coz of foreheads and now we is age-mates?. Sasa where is your shags? Wanna pay dani a visit and love her coz I got no dani hehehe. By the way I nearly wrote to you for the 40s thingy then I figured (ahem) Namu and sijui nani several years back already gave me my 15 minutes of shame for all the world and NTV decided to rub it in. Sooo Naahh enjoy this time. Stick a geranium in your hat and (hope you know which flower that is yaye) bounce along. To A great 2018 ahead full of God’s leading and providence. Rudi kanisani j’adwen. Nyasaye oritu.

  155. And thank you Biko for always making us happy, amused, sad, angry, devastated… you get the drift. Your writing never ceases to grasp my mind. Thank you for sharing your uniquely amazing mind with us. And thank you for Drunk, made me cry at work. Looking forward to more BOOKS (note the plural in shouty letters).
    Question: What are your most memorable experiences/moments with Tamms, Kim and Mama Tamms (individually, not collectively). Except their births 🙂

  156. Long Live Biko. I am one of those ones who wouldnt go a tuesday without you.. Happy holidays and God bless you Biko.

  157. Why do you keep the mystery about your looks to your fans? How long do you want us to keep fantasizing how you look every time we read a post from you? I dare you to do us one better and show us something. Consider it a Christmas gift for 2017 for your awesome fans. All in all, I still remain your biggest fan and do not see that changing any time soon.

      1. there is a certain photo of him being awarded during BAKE awards….I guess if one is curious enough he or she will see a pic of him online…its the wild day and age of everything being posted online… I’m the curious type so I dug until I found a pic…

  158. Your stories this year have left me in a very reflective mood. I pray and most times thank God for things I take for granted. Thanks for helping me count my blessings this year.

    However, where is this dala where you are able to sit under a tree and get to replying our comments using your laptop?? Where is safaricom so courteous like this with network or orange or Airtel or is it faiba?

  159. We have all enjoyed the stories you graciously shared with us in the course of the year. We do hope that the good Lord will find us all worthy of another year that we may continue enjoying what you have in store for us. Happy 2018 brother

  160. If you could learn any skill what would it be…?

    If you could make one rule, that everyone has to follow, what rule would that be…?

  161. When is your next book release?
    Eagerly waiting for it given that I think I was the first to purchase drunk.
    Happy holidays Biko.

  162. Hey Biko, thank you! Thank you for being an inspiration to many, I included. I’ve learnt and laughed a lot (Tamms will one day realize how funny you are , but for now let her be). As much as I we would like to see your face, my second thought is no, I like the mystery. I have Biko build up in my mind most from your descriptions ; I know you have unique forehead and runners legs, that’s seems to be the only way I’ll be able to spot you if i ever do……but once you take out your chapati, that’s the give away card!
    Anyway, thank you….my question is, can you please do a story of you wife?
    Its 4;58….please do reply.

  163. You promised a response to any inquiry sent today before 5pm and this is mine. I would like to invite you to share with us your story/journey at rotaract club of muthaiga sometime next year. We are young professionals and twice every month we have guests share with us their stories. Kindly let me know if this is something you would be interested in. We would love hearing from you.

    Say hi to your cucu and have a lovely Christmas

  164. In 2018, write about your wife. Just one story where you write about your wife, how you met, first date, kiss, wedding day etc etc. Wengine wetu hatujakubali umeoa eti.

  165. Good read Biko. Break some rules and reply to my question or rather comment…it is 26 minutes past 5…It has been a good year and we thank God. I look forward to every Tuesday..last week’s was the longest..kept checking the email..nothing…Say hi to your grandma..and Tamms..Happy holidays JB.

  166. Thanks Chocolate Man for the treats in 2017. Blessings to Mrs B, Tam & Kim. Please keep the gang laughing in 2018. You are a good addiction. Finally I might be the only one, I don’t want to know your face! Let’s keep the mystery. Happy holidays

  167. Dear Biko,
    This is the first time I am ever commenting on your post, but I read each and everyone of them. When my best friend mentioned that she is related to you, I cursed, told her what crappy friend she is, if the legend Biko Zulu is her cousing and I have never been invited to the “back stage”. I blackmailed her to give me your number or else the friendship is over, and she did without a second thought.

    Having you go through my law school letter of intent is the best gift I ever got from someone I respect and love his work. Thank you so much.

    I wish you a very merry Christmas, happy new year and lots of blessing to you and your family. Had I been there, I would have made you invite me for your family christmas dinner, to have a taste of the “floating minjis and carrots” from missus. Dont tell her I wrote this. lol.

    God Bless you!!

  168. Great read as always.
    Biko, it’s amazing how you do your stories that one has to keep grinning. It’s been a great journey in 2017 having not missed an article that you posted in this blog. This has been my clinic.
    May you have a pleasant Christmas and I pray 2018 comes with wider open doors for abundant providence. Same to the gang of your fans here. Blessings.

  169. Have you ever met or want to meet Chimamanda Adichie? I was in Nigeria and read her Book Half a Yellow Sun and I thought the two of you should met. You guys are fascinating…

  170. “There was a bird standing in the opposite balcony. She had just done her nails……”

    I could almost visualize the bird until I read that she was riffling through her phone! What could Tuesdays be like without Biko’s dose??? A toast another great year!

  171. Biko, ero kamano. Wane silent readers ma ineno ga, you make my weeks e piny Trump. Anyway sani antie dala Siaya after a long time, ere kaka wanyalo dhi chamo rech lwang’ni kacha?

  172. Ero kamano for making my weeks, wane silent readers ma ineno ga. Koro eka achopo dala Siaya after a long time e piny cha emomiyo aleo e mtandao ka ma deadline mar 5 okala, ere kaka wanyalo chamo rech lwang’ni kacha?

  173. Biko. I stalk you from the blog to the satmag.. my story of the year was even the birds couldn’t sing..made me look at life from a perspective, how can I forget the satire in one of the sat mags! things that put men always tickles me…wouldn’t Kes3000 of fuel flood your small car! what happens when you know him for 40hrs, will not ask for his kidney ..really biko? don’t say you will pay because we know you will pay when it snows in hell!! Am done! have yourself a merry Christmas and we look forward to 2018!

  174. I just came here to say, I love you Biko. Thank you for writing.; for giving LIFE as I know it, WORDS. God bless you and yours. TN

  175. I’m reading this several hours later. No questions crom me. Im just glad there was a post today
    Will switch off the lights on my way out.
    Merry Christmas everyone!

  176. At least I can put a face to your writing… we took a flight to Ukunda and Tamms sootcase was a dead giveaway! So I can say I know you

    Thank you for making me look forward to Tuesdays. On certain days I laughed so hard, and on others I could not hold back tears. You have a gift… keep nurturing it.

    And then there’s Mothers Day….one of the toughest days for me every year. It’s the one article you write that I totally identify with. May our beloved Mums (incidentally both are Jane) RIP.

    Your 40s series was amazeballs! Loved every article…

    And then there was “Drunk”…. you made me cry Chocolate man. And that ending…. only you Biko, only you!

    Sorry I read this week’s article late…being in hospital means evening is the only time I have some “me” time. The rest of the time there is a nurse coming to check your vitals, or give you meds, or the doctor is doing his rounds, then the physio guy comes to pick you for a grueling 2 hours of hydrotherapy and physiotherapy… by the time you are back to your room it’s visiting hours, and the cycle of nurse checking vitals and giving you meds starts again… All am saying is, I hope you will respond to my post (much as it’s past 5pm) coz now you know am an inpatient and you can’t just not acknowledge my post…yes? No?

    Happy Holidays Chocolate Man!

  177. So I missed the 5.00pm deadline…
    Thank you Biko for keeping us well entertained and inspired in 2017. There are other benefits too! For example, this Friday, a friend will treat me to a day at the spa at a place in Karen where monkeys have blue balls . I forwarded her the story you wrote on Entim Sidai (her first Biko-piece) and earned myself a treat!!

  178. As always

    Thank you for sharing your gift with the world. For walking away from blood work, specimens and the like.

    You have taught me that discipline and hard work pays.

    Most importantly I learnt not to stand at crossroads for too long. To take the plunge even when I wasn’t sure how deep I will fall.

    Life lessons.

    Merry Christmas to you and yours Jakendu.

  179. Biko, friends don’t understand why I don’t read books, but with writers like you I don’t need to explain anything to them. Loved reading all your work this year and look forward to more in 2018.

    Happy Holidays to you and your family!

    If you ventured into audio books, who would you pick to read your work assuming you did not want to do it and Morgan Freeman was not available at the time?

  180. Thank you Biko for a wonderful year….i am looking forward to an even better 2018. Your write ups made my year better. The lady from Congo… i hope you still check up on her ( Saddest story i read this year i think) and i hope Suleiman gifted you a goat for the festivities. All in all, tell your grand ma that she is a beautiful soul and whenever you speak of her i smile….kinda reminds me of my grandmas.

    Happy holidays Biko….to you and yours.

  181. Wait!!!! what do you mean Toni married birdman???? How far behind am I???
    Tuesdays = Biko, pizza, n wine. Reading mode activated.
    Question, whats your best travel destination ?
    Good year it has been, thanks

    1. I never have a place I want to visit twice. It always ruins it when you go back. But northern part of Zanzibar is special.

  182. Biko you should have started with the deadline, is there an extension? (Kenyan proverb)
    Also, do you have a 40series article that you regret doing? There is one you sounded ish-ish…

  183. I always look foward to Tuesdays for my reads. My hubby tells me “I guess you are reading your Biko stuff” You should hear how he pronounces your name.. So Funny. I am late replying because its Dec xmass shopping takes the best part of my free time. Anway, Thanks for making my Tuesdays interesting. Love your work. Be blessed and see you in 2018.. I will be there before you. Time difference. How good is that! Cheers!

  184. Always a pleasure reading your blog posts Biko!

    The 40s series was everything to me, it made me appreciate life some more so thank you for the lessons…

    Happy holidays to you and your family and looking forward to reading more awesome posts in 2018

  185. Biko i though you mentioned you will try to answer all posts but seems mine went unanswered but only to those wishing you happy holidays!
    Ok then Merry Christmas and say hello to your Dani Abiki!

  186. People my age look forward to getting two pizzas for the price of one on Tuesdays i look forward to my ‘date’ with Biko . Its been a pleasure stumbling onto typos, being your audience and Laughing at your jokes for two (just to cover for those that don’t) .If i wrote of my best 2017 moments this would be at the top of the list . Thank you for Bikozulu blog post .
    Cheers to more in 2018 .Merry Christmas EVERYBODY .

  187. I personally think you are funny ! Even in a sad story I find the humor hidden . The most refreshing thing is printing your article from the office ( people who like the smell of books ) and reading it slowly around 11.00 PM ( in honor of Tuesdays ) and sinking in the words and tales told .

    Keep on Biko! ! #Inspired . Happy Holz . Also How old is Tamms , If she was in a book , her persona would be my fave !

  188. Happy holidays Biko and thanks for being you…consistent, reliable, honest! Your character is so evident in your writing it feels like we know you. Meeting you is still one of my birthday wishes so hope it comes true sometime. May God bless you and keep you.

  189. Eagerly awaiting the printed version being one of those stick-in-the mud must turn a page readers.
    Enjoy dala.
    Blessed Christmas and a happy new year!

  190. Tuesday just went by I didn’t read and I missed an audience with Biko. Still… Biko the Cartwheel Emoji on Whatsapp didn’take it to the list? We try again in 2018. Now, I always wonder how you deal/ manage yourself and the related emotions after having some of those deep, sad, stories that make you stare at one place and not blink…..?

    Good Tidings to you and your loved ones!

  191. Hi Biko,

    My favourite story of all time is ‘VISA denied’ the rant wow.

    thank you for your prowess writing my friend (no Ruto accent)

    What happened to Joe black?

  192. I am late for Q and A but I want to say thank you Biko! Your articles re-awakened my writing passion. I don’t know how to thank you.

    Your articles are very powerful, thought, and heart provocking. Each one of them.

    Have a great holiday. See you in 2018.


  193. Tamms is barely fifteen and she’s fifty kgs, I’m turning twenty-six tomorrow and I’m still here struggling with my forty seven kgs. What is life?!

    Merry Christmas to you and yours chocolate man!!

  194. Woi…I missed the responses
    My one wish is to see you face to face but then I think the excitement would kill me.I would just sit and stare at you in awe.So I am not sure if I want to meet you or not..aaargh..2018 will tell us

    The stories on the 40’s series have been awesome,inspiring and educative…I looked forward to Tuesdays..keep it up.I am waiting for the hard-copy of DRUNK..

    I don’t drink but I think if I ever buy myself a drink, it will be whisky;glemonrangie for that matter…Because of you oh

    Happy holidays Biko and also to the Missus, Tamms and Kim (and the whole family)..Looking forward to 2018 blogs

  195. finally, i get the courage to comment. At the rate you’re inspiring people to write, we’ll have tonnes of new blogs set up lol….but on a serious note, there’s room for everyone out there, if the content is top notch. I’d have loved to read the interview with the president, too bad it got aborted. I hope you get to interview Obama or Trump, actually both… Trump would be hilarious….

  196. I missed the chance to ask questions but I won’t miss to say you are one of those guys who have helped me develop a great perspective of life in 2017. Thank you Biko wish u the best in 2018.

  197. Biko, sometime mid this year, someone introduced me to your pieces and told me how legendary a writer you are. She narrated a piece you wrote so perfectly, I asked her ‘Biko nogano ni sigana ni?’ I have to say, since then you have become my favourite. Have a blissful festive season and see you in 2018!

  198. I can’t wait till the day you’ll set foot in US hopefully “ushago” not the NYC or LA’s and read your comments. Merry Christmas


    Thank you Biko for writing, you are a gentleman and a scholar. I really enjoy reading everything you write. My best blog this year was ‘Letter To My 20-Year Old Self’’
    ’Happy holidays Biko to you and your entire family. Looking forward to 2018.

    P.S, I hope one day I will get to meet you.

  200. Biko, I admire your writing skills. I am one of those who come to have a fill and disappear.But I have to say this…please don’t risk Tamm’s life again by driving when tipsy.We still need you.Even more, your family.

  201. Hi,

    I know who the lady of the worst interview you are referring to… she mentioned it to us… well you confirmed what I thought of her…

    Good read as always.

  202. Hi Biko. I’ve found myself going through your previous blogs.
    Is it OK if I download them. I wonna come up with a collection.

  203. Hi Biko,
    Happy holidays!
    I just keep wondering, in all your work travels, which are super interesting, do you travel alone? Do you get bored? Do you get lonely? Is travelling alone as fulfilling?

    Since this question is already too late, you guys are invited to throw in your answers!:)

  204. There are people and then there are crazy people
    Biko are you still under the tree to reply to me?

    Happy new year hoping to read more of your writing in 2018

  205. Never too late to read this piece and appreciate the good work that you continue to do and keep the gang in this our “local joint”. Guess this is like Queens for many of us :-). Enjoy your holidays, Biko and see you on 9th Inshallah! Happy holidays to the gang as well.

  206. You might gotten out from under the tree,but I just want to say you’re the best blogger on my mailing list,you were first, nobody has surpassed you,I may go for days without reading your posts but then I go back and finish and re read older ones. The forties series was awesome, it encouraged me a lot this year and I know that I may go through a rough time, but the sun will always shine, eventually. Let’s me meet on 9th Jan, God willing. Happy holidays to you and yours.

  207. maze asanta kwa mwaka fyam kuruka. ma story zimetupatia lifeline hapa especially wasanii ka mimi. akipenda Most High 2018 lazima tuchapiane kiasi.

    kila la heri kwa Tamms na Man Kim na Msupa wa kwako. barake kibao,afya na amani ya Most High.

    tuonane matime.

  208. Hey chocolate man!
    There’s the special child, and then there are the late boomers, like me, I hope you are still under that tree 😉
    I had ro re-read this post, because 9th is too far away.
    Thank you for making 2017 amazing.

    The 40’s series was inspiring; and the other best picks for the year were ‘God is a gentleman’, “there were birds, but they didn’t sing’ and ‘Letter To My 20-Year Old Self’ among others.

    I was planning to quit drinking… But then there’s your whisky, Glenmorangie…I’ll have this in 2018 as I read your book ‘Drunk’…thats after you get hardcopies for us who still love the smell of books.

    One question, How does it feel to travel alone, what’s the experience. It’s one of the things I wanna do in 2018.

    Happy Holidays, hoping to read more of your pieces in 2018!
    Lets meet on 9th.

  209. Happy New Year. I always get done reading your posts days after everyone else and when there are already 300+ comments, When is the next masterclass?

  210. 2017? Mine was strange: I was so shocked that someone would go around telling people the kind of work I should do. Even when I did the work I qualified for, this person would threaten me not to. I would be told to apply for jobs I did not want. Employers would be told to create jobs that this person thought I should do.Calls would come at night. This person, would send me threatening SMS’, WhatsApp messages and e-mails to make me do what they wanted. If they failed they would choose people next to me to threaten me. If I attended events, people I work or attended school would be told to take photographs of me.The joke is that this person self-assigned this role to themselves. Of course I never listened or cared about anything they had to say. I mean, who are they in the greater context of things. Biko, I had to tell you and your readers because there are people out there that operate like psychopaths. Controlling what they did not earn or would never have any right to so that they could comfort themselves that they are powerful. Biko, know any specialists that this psycho could go to?

  211. My 2017 was kinda shocking, too. My cousin who lived abroad came back to work in Kenya. Ha-ha-ha. Imagine going to a posh university abroad and then coming to work in Kenya?! We all do sympathise in our family, because we thought he would have made the best opportunity of his abroad education. Guy has problems fitting in. He believes that what he knows is applicable here but boy does he not need to adapt. He takes out his frustrations by telling all of his relatives, because who else can he sympathize. Even those abroad have already dismissed him as lower than they are, except when he has to be consulted on home issues.

  212. Biko my 2017 is surrounded by this iindividual from abroad who believes that he is wiser than God. He has this “control guide” on what Kenyans should do and should not do. He calls, but is ignored and his reaction is abuses. In fact, his female buddies also jump in the ship of meting out abuses that range from ” you have no patience, have no love and are quick to desert others.” Someone Say Amen! You would think that this Oracle-with-a-Holier-Than-Thou-Attitude is Jesus’ Brother only to be shocked that he works at some third rate office from some developed country! Oh, his buddies cannot advise him to get friends,yet is he is so desperate to be loved. His family cannot keep a reign on their son. He lacks a hobby that can keep him occupied. He is so “special” that he is not working in the developed world, where there are others who as perfect as he is. He is going to “start a church” where he can preach to those in the Least Developed Countries (LDCs) about how they should live in his self-perceived bubble world. He is so special that he does not live in the most perfect neighborhood in Kenya. Oh, right, the developed world is full of gossipers and the he could not help himself in bringing these transferrable skills to the Third World….Ha-ha

  213. I feel so frustrated that I order you Africans to follow the rules of the Northern Hemisphere but you deny. Where is the love? Where is the obedience? I am from the Northern Hemisphere and I expect respect when I walk the streets of Nairobi. What, I come from NYC, the greatest state in the US and yet, when I practically beg Nairobi females to return my phone calls, they brush me off. This country Kenya is shags, a Third Rate nation that I can personally destroy by just dialling a number on my phone. Yeah, my family lives in a posh place so I just pulled rank to make you all NOTICE me. Is it a wonder that you Kenyans are the filth of Africa? I am rich, I come from the Diaspora to transform you folk, but what do I get? No one who gives a damn about me. I will leave if no one follows my orders. No one likes to gossip with me. I feel so IGNORED by Third Worlders

  214. I have come to teach Africans why indoctrination from the Industrialised World smells good

  215. My 2018 has so far started well but 2017 was drama-filled! Biko, there are certain people that believes that they have the answers to the continent’s problems. They feel that since they come from better lands, this continent has an obligation to do as they instruct and woe unto us all us if we do not follow suit. They would have a point, if only they came from Ivy League schools and took the time to understand the realities of this continent. But, no. (Pause for dramatic effect) They shout ” THIS CONTINENT SHOULD DO THIS AND THAT! PEOPLE OF THIS CONTINENT SHOULD FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS BECAUSE I COME FROM BETTER LANDS, HOW DARE THEY NOT”. They have this immeasurable superiority complex that distorts their perception. True, they can make this continent better with their knowledge but they resort to the opposite… sic!

  216. Biko when you skip feeding out minds because you are thinking that’s okay…but how do we start a year without a read?? Can’t wait for the reason next week

    Now I’m thinking what you could be thinking about if at all you were thinking

    Happy New Year.

  217. I loved the book! The writing style, which I call a ‘no person perspective’ had me feeling like was both the main character and a silent observer at the same time. Looking forward to more in 2018.

  218. I’ve just read this today cos when it was posted, I was in shags with(no electricity).

    If you ever read this Biko, get to know that I talk about you to people like you’re by brother. I’m always like, “You don’t know Biko? Do you love reading? How can you love reading and you don’t know who Biko is?”

    Attending Masterclass last year was one of the best things that happened to me. I’m hoping to attend it again this year.

    Continue giving us something to look forward to every Week.

    I hope one day you’ll be able to tell someone,” Mildred was one of my students” I’m still learning how to write.

    Happy 2018 to all of us.

  219. Thank you for bringing sunshine on my low moments. 2017 40’s series gave my best read “God is a gentleman” . All those stories had so much to learn and appreciate the things we take for granted,

  220. I realize this comment is coming in very late, hadn’t checked the blog while in shags. Anywho, in the off chance that you will respond, there is something that has always intrigued me. Sometimes in your posts you narrate a very interesting and lengthy conversation – word for word – and I always wonder, how on earth do you remember so many words, word for word? Say like the conversation you had with the good doctor about the cool bar, Dusty Rags. Remember? Is there a software that records phone conversations or is it that have a photographic memory?

    Happy 2018 Biko. Huge fan. 🙂