Wanted: Kick-Ass Designer

The guy I’m looking for didn’t oil his elbows this morning. What kind of a man oils his elbows anyways? He sprayed some deo on, slapped some lotion on his face, slipped into jeans, canvas shoes and a t-shirt and was out of the door. He lives in Langata. Or Thika Road. In one of those mushrooming apartment blocks with no parking. At the stage he waited for a jav, standing next to that chick from B23, the one he hasn’t plucked up the courage to say hallo to. He has headphones stuck in his ears and is listening to Ariana Grande or Luke James because it gets him in a “certain mood.” In town, with his laptop bag on his back, he will zip through the streets completely insulated from the morning urban angst of honking cars, blinking streetlights and hordes of feet shuffling to earn their daily bread. He will catch a bus to the suburb where he works. First job. Shit job. Shit because he has all these ideas that he can’t execute, because he’s doing his time, handling rubbish briefs. He is 23. His laptop is full of stickers. He has about 15 tabs open right now. He is yet to reply to two Facebook messages. On Twitter about 870 people follow him. Of his last three tweets, two are in sheng. Once in a while he will DM some chic and meet her, only to find out that she is as exciting as a broken socket. He hasn’t quite learnt the deception of Twitter. He’s single. There is a missed call on his phone from his bro that he is yet to return. He drinks in town. Tusker. Cold. When he has some mullah (I doubt he would call money mullah), he and his mate will buy a bottle of Jameson and go on a bender. He smokes occasionally because he thinks it’s cool. He doesn’t exercise. He buys his clothes from a mtumba guy with a name like Ngash. He has beautiful handwriting. He loves football. Liverpool to be precise, maybe because he never wants to walk alone again. This guy is probably 5’7’’. Chocolate complexion. Doesn’t bite his nails. Keeps his hair long or in dreadlocks. Doesn’t make his bed. Always forgets to call his pops back. Our guy is special because he’s out there beating the bushes, brimming with talent. One day he will break through, but for now he’s doing his time. He doesn’t read my blog. Probably heard of it in passing, but has never bothered. Actually he’s not much of a reader aside from the newspaper, Ghafla, and billboards. However, one of his chic friends, the type who are always reading a book in the jav, will forward this post to him on Whatsapp and say, “I think this is you Bikozulu is looking for.” He will reply: “Who?” “Bikozulu, haven’t you read him?” “Aii, bila,” [Do they say bila?] “Ebu read that post,” she will say. He will read it only because he likes her. The hell with this Bikozulu guy. Once he reads it his interest will be piqued. Why? Because I’m looking for a deadly graphic designer who will design me a logo. A kick-ass logo that will go up there. It’s time we got a kick-ass logo. I’m tired of engaging the established graphic designers who come with moody grins and fashionably distressed clothes. I’m tired of admiring their creative business cards, hope welling up inside me, until they violently dash it. This young hungry guy will get it. I can feel it. He will get that I don’t want a logo with a quail, or a spear or some corny Zulu shit. I don’t want an African print. Or a bottle of ink on that logo. Or a wild animal. Or the shape of Africa. If I see another silhouette of an Acacia tree I will pee in my shoes. I don’t want some lousy calligraphy. Don’t go Kama sutra on the “B” in Bikozulu. And for the love of God, no image of a sunset. And it’s not Biko Zulu. Or Bikozulu. It’s bikozulu, all small letters. But mostly I don’t want big talk. I don’t want to see a portfolio of previous work. I just need a logo that expresses what we stand for here. Here we tell stories. We are creative and relaxed. We love cool things. We are urban without forgetting our African roots.  Most importantly we are MINIMALIST. We don’t shout. We are simple and not brash. We are sexy and suave and urbane. And we need a logo that says all of that. If you know this guy I just described. If you know a guy who can bring this logo to life, please share this with them. And if you think you can nail it, go to the Bikozulu Facebook page and share your initial design. If I like what I see, I will inbox you and we’ll discuss how you can develop that logo. And then I will pay you decent money for it. Timelines: Contest runs from today to 24/11/2014. Winner will be announced on 28/11/2014. New kick-ass logo to go up on 01/12/2014. NB: Gang, I would love your feedback on the proposed logos. Drop by the Facebook page once in a while, leave a comment or like, and let’s get that kick-ass logo up there. You know. I have a feeling it’s a girl who might ace this. Update: Contest extended to 30/11/2014.