Once On Your Knees


The van stopped at The Great Rift Valley Viewpoint along Nakuru-Nairobi highway. They bundled out to gape at the view and take selfies and update their social media feeds – planting the seeds of Likes and shares, cultivating this digital land of vanity. They were youthful and beautiful, they wore hot pants and sunglasses and they piped bohemian music through the dangling strings of their headphones and together – a dozen of them – they charged the air around them with vitality and sexuality and boundless possibilities not only for their lives but for the trip ahead of them. This was 2014.

He had seen her check him out in the bus. She was in blue jeans, flat shoes and a pink top. She’d look away piously as their eyes met, as if that very act of their eyes meeting was scalding her face. A melancholic, he stood away from the group, leaning on a wooden post, his body half turned towards the plunging view of the Rift Valley. He wasn’t the type that mingled or made friends easily. He liked to stay in the fringes of the party, prefering to be sought and not the other way round. Plus she was so gorgeous he didn’t think he really had the right language to approach her at that moment; after all, they still had a whole weekend ahead of them within which he could make his move.

But then the gods had other plans it seemed, because he looked up to see her walking towards him carrying some snacks. She was curvaceous, her hips like perfect half-moons. She swung them towards him and stopped near him with a smile that could start a forest fire. A highly flammable smile. He swallowed hard. She said, “Would you like something to bite?” How did he know that she was interested in him? Her eyes. They danced on him playfully. They touched him tenderly as if he was recovering from malaria. She looked at him like you would look at a newborn’s small fists.

In Naivasha they hung out with each other throughout the weekend. She was amusing and attentive and although there were other better-looking men, more charismatic men, funnier men, men who seemed to know how to pitch tents and cook, she chose him. And she sat next to him throughout that trip. And she smelled like a pawpaw that could be termed as overripe if left a day longer. At night they would sit on the verandah of the cottage he was sharing with another bloke and have titillating repertoire (his words) as they stared at the stars, the sides of their hands touching as they sat side by side, sending little spasms of electricity up his neck. When she laughed her laughter seemed to be a natural part of the night. (This I’ve made up; in my head she has that laugh. In my head this chic has those full eyebrows and eyelashes that look like blades of young grass.) For the three days they had lunches, dinners and breakfast together, with her sometimes handing him an empty plate at the buffet, sometimes actually serving him, watching him eat like a protective hen would watch its chicks, and giving him her eggs because she prefered hers hard. [Okay, made up the eggs part too.]

“By the end of the trip I felt like I had known her my whole life,” he tells me now, over lunch. There was an effortlessness to their connection, he says. He felt like they had easily plugged into each other and they fit very well and they belonged in that state. They settled into a friendship when they came back to Nairobi. She was fresh off the university, where she had studied nutrition. He was doing research, having two Masters degrees, and teaching part-time in UoN. Then he got an opportunity to teach at Laikipia University in Embu. He got a digs in Embu, an excessive two bedroom house with its own compound. “Her parents had just moved to Sagana and so while she looked for work she would spend a lot of time in Sagana,” he says.

Sagana and Embu aren’t too far off, and so often, mostly over the weekends, she would go for sleepovers. She changed his curtains, kitchen cabinets and even bought him a shower curtain because he is a man and we, men, can just take showers in a shower cubicle without curtains for years until someone points out that we actually need a shower curtain – to hide our nakedness from the lampshade.

“The talk of marriage came up, but always in passing,” he says. “We never really committed to it, but it was something that we both seemed keen to pursue at the right time.” In 2016 Matiang’i had other plans; he closed down the campus (and 10 others) and he was jobless. He came back to Nairobi and got himself a small bedsitter to plan his life. “I got a few consulting gigs here and there, you know, kept afloat,” he says. “Meanwhile our relationship was on course. Things were going okay.”

On her birthday, her friends lured her to a Nairobi hotel (that sounds so newspaper-ish, ‘the principals met in a Nairobi hotel’ because God forbid we should mention the hotel by name) where when she cut her birthday cake and in there she found an engagement ring. He dropped to his knees and said, “Will you marry me.” (Without the question mark because sometimes you just know the answer. As in, it would take sorcery for her to say no.)

“Every man has to go on his knees once in his lifetime,” he tells me. She covered her mouth and stared in disbelief as her friends shrieked and cooed and took pictures to feed the hungry captives on social media. A few months later he went for the introductions at their place huko past Kutus. Then came the ruracio, where they took lesos, sufurias, bananas, and hard cash. The wedding date was set and the wedding plans got rolling.

Then the first crack showed.

“Whereas she had six of her friends on the line-up, I had seven of my friends. She wanted me to have six, but I wouldn’t chuck one guy so we argued about that for what seemed like months.”

“And why couldn’t you chuck one guy?”

“Because I had known these guys all my life. I couldn’t just choose who would be left out of the line-up.”

“Yah, but it’s her wedding, technically,”

“Well, I didn’t see it that way. I saw it as loyalty to my friends. They deserved to be a part of my important day. Anyhow, we argued about that for a long time but I didn’t budge. I was adamant that all of my seven pals have to be in the line-up. After that, we seemed to argue about just about everything, man!”

“Yeah, it’s because women hate losing!” I tell him and we laugh.

He speaks of a session they had with a premarital counsellor. “We were asked to write ten things we like about each other and whereas I had more than ten things I liked about her, she was struggling to get to five of those things.”

They had a lovely wedding in Westlands attended by many people or what the radio would call ‘umati wa watu.” He and his seven boys in the lineup were in grey suits, orange ties and suspenders, looking like the cast in a black series The Untouchables. There was dancing and speeches and uncles claiming parenthood, aunts in elaborate headgear and ululation. It happened in an SDA church. It turns out that there are Kikuyu SDAs. That’s so odd. It’s like a mzungu mkorino.

At the end of the reception, the newly-weds jumped into the backseat of a Range Rover Sport that was owned by a politician who was friends with the groom’s mom. They had booked a room in “a Nairobi hotel” where they would spend their first night as husband and wife. Waiting was champagne, tropical fruits and freshly-cut flowers and white beddings that made you dream of only rainbows and lollipops and a long life of laughter and flavoured yoghurt.

They started making out in the car; hands on breasts, hands in hair, chest, hands pulling up the gown, searching,, suppressed moans, as the car meandered through the well-lit streets of Nairobi. The driver ignored them. Poor driver. He reached under her (the groom, not the driver) and pulled off her knickers and – “Stop right there,” I tell him, interrupting his blow-by-blow narrative. “Where did you put the panties after you removed them?”

Can you imagine how that story goes? Your wife one day comes into the sitting room as you are reading a newspaper and says, “Look what your son found under your car seat, Jeremy.” Even before you look up from your Sunday newspaper you know it can’t be anything good because she has called you by your full christian name. Not Jerry this time. Jerry is what she uses when she wants a “soft loan” from you. Jerry is what she uses when she wants you two to take a holiday to a nice place in Diani that she saw online. Jerry is when you are her favourite. Jeremy is when the devil has taken over you.

You look up and say, “The hell?”

“Yup!” she says. She’s holding the panty with a stick. Like it’s a dead snake.

“What…where did that come from?” you stammer.

“You tell me!” she says, trying to control her voice. “It’s your car!”

You try to explain that you don’t know where that “thing” (that’s what you are calling it now) came from, but nothing can explain a pair of panties in your car. You are baffled and genuinely confused because it has been six months since you gave out your car for the wedding and of course you can’t link that event to that “thing.” Poor you. Nothing you say convinces her. She says things like, “And this pantie size just happens to be the right size for the type of girls you would go for,” and you are like, “And what size is that? Come on, don’t be ridiculous, you are the size of girl I would go for. This is mad. I swear I don’t know where that thing came from. I will swear on a Bible.” She rolls her eyes. Things get bad. You two seek counselling and the counsellor tells you, “Jeremy, if this is going to work, if you two are going to move forward, you have to accept responsibility” and you want to scream and say, “I bloody don’t know how that thing ended up under my seat! Someone must have put it there! I swear to God!”

“Can you think of someone who might want to place their panties under your car seat, Jeremy?” the counsellor asks sarcastically (some counsellors are so annoying, they take sides) as your wife sits in the chair opposite you, hands folded, one leg over the other and turned away from you, disgusted at the very sight of you. The tragedy is nobody will ever believe you. You will go to your grave guilty.

Anyway, he kept the panties in his pocket.

“I noticed something during that making out session in the car; I wasn’t getting an erection,” he tells me. “I think she noticed it when she touched me but she didn’t say anything. I wasn’t too worried, though, because I figured it had been a stressful few months and a heady day so perhaps I just needed to relax. We hadn’t had sex throughout our dating period. I had decided that I was going to do this differently and treat her with a different respect and not have sex with her. So even when she would come visiting in Embu I’d sleep on the couch.”

What a gentleman, I think to myself.

Anyway, they get to the hotel and ride up in the elevator to their room with a view of the city’s lit skyline. He opens the curtains because, well, who draws the curtains to such a lovely view? He then does something 50 Cent would do; he grabs her, kisses her hungrily like one of those and then pushes her onto the bed as he yanks off his tie and tears off his shirt (okay he unbuttoned it gently) and then jumped on her. “We made out some more but I just wasn’t getting aroused,” he says. “I wasn’t rising to the occasion.”

There was that awkward moment where she was acting like things were okay but he could tell that things were far from okay because her body language had changed and she had that questioning look on her face like: “Okay, what the f**k is going on here?”

She asked him eventually. “Is everything okay?” He said everything was just dandy, he needed to take a quick shower and relax. “In the shower I told Johnny to please not disappoint me today of all days.”

“Who’s Johnny?” I ask sweetly, because I’m so pure I don’t know these things.

He laughs and says that’s his penis. How exciting is this so far, I think to myself, I’m having lunch with another man and talking about a penis called Johnny. And the song “Johnny” by Yemi Alade kept playing in my head.

He came out of the shower, towel around his waist. She had undressed and in the hotel gown. She mumbled that she was also going to take a shower. She’d gotten very cold by then, he could tell. She took her time in the shower, maybe washing away the bad feeling of the night. I ask him what he did all the while she was taking a shower. He says, “We had carried with us all the envelopes we got as gifts from the wedding, so I was opening the envelopes and counting the money on the bed.”

I really laugh at that. “You could count money on the bed after all that?”

“What else was I to do? I was trying to find something to keep my mind off what was happening.”

I can think of a million things I could have done in that situation; press-ups being one of them. Or staring at myself in the mirror and giving myself a pep-talk; You, yes, you, can do this. You can. You are a machine. You rise and rise and you don’t stop until the cock crows. Don’t look away, look at me. You are a mandingo. Say it like you mean it, you are a mandingo. Good! Now, when she comes out of that shower you are going to shatter all her fears, you are going to overwhelm her, you are going to be the man. Now, sing the National anthem, it will keep your mind away from things.

“Okay, had this problem been there before with other girls?” I ask instead.

“No, that’s the thing! I had been fine. In fact, although. In fact, during the time we were dating, I was having sex with other chicks.”

“And things were fine, I mean you didn’t have erectile malfunction?” I ask cynically.

“Nope! I was fine.”

Anyway, she comes out of the bathroom, this lovely new bride, beads of water on her delicate shoulder and she oils herself silently at the dresser. To break the ice, he tells her to come and help him sort out these envelopes. She finishes oiling herself and lies on her side of the bed, watching him sort the money. They had slightly over 200k in hard cash. But all the money in the world, it seems, can’t give you a hardon.

When he gets into bed, he tries again. “I’m very good at foreplay,” he tells me. I laugh and say, “are you?” he says he damn is. “Oh, I will take your word for it and not ask for referees.” He says, “No, really, I am.” I ask him how he knows for sure that he is good at it. He says because he always gets “called back.” I write on my notepad; Very good at foreplay, get’s called back” and underline the “very” in that sentence.

He tries. Nothing happens. He comes up short. (Oxymoron?) At this time he’s now totally panicked and he’s totally out of it. She turns her back on him and sleeps facing Gulu or Dodoma or wherever the hell women sleep facing when they have had you up to here. (Points at eyebrows).

He couldn’t sleep. He was worried and anxious. He tossed and turned and stared at her back, curled away from him. At 3am he kissed the back of her neck gently. Then touched her back. Then he held her. He realised that perhaps she also hadn’t slept. He started getting her in the mood and begrudgingly she obliged. Again, nothing happened. He just couldn’t get a damned erection. She was now visibly frustrated. She held the sheets tightly against her and turned away. In the wee hours of the morning, as Nairobi rose behind the window, he fell in an uncomfortable nap.

When he woke up he found her lying on her back and staring at the ceiling. “Morning?” he said. She didn’t say shit. Then she turned towards him and said, “Tell me the truth. Just tell me the truth, why can’t you perform?”

He sighed and said, “I don’t know. But I know I’m okay.”

“She was demanding to know why and I didn’t know why and I was also frustrated and scared and I felt useless and in the desperate need to appease her, to make things better I told her I was a virgin,” he says. “Her reaction was wild. She literally jumped out of the bed and shouted, whaat? She said she hated me. That she couldn’t stay married to me and that she wanted a divorce immediately and I begged her, I told her that I was going to seek help, she said no way, that the honeymoon was off.”

Three days later he managed to convince her and they went on their honeymoon out of the country (it wasn’t romantic; she was distracted throughout and he was worried) and although he got an erection it wasn’t a full erection. It was half-hearted erection. A disheartened erection. A luck-lustre erection. A faded erection. You get the point. One day during the trip she suggested to him that he should try and sleep with other women and practice because perhaps he wasn’t good at it.

“Si that’s madharau, you guy?” he asks me.

“Sana!” I say, always a team-player, always trying to be on the right side of history.

Back at home, they moved into an apartment. Life started as man and wife and it started off on a rocky path. He went to see a urologist, professor Mungai of Nairobi Hospital, about his problem of erection. “The first thing he told me was that I had to lose weight. I weighed 95kgs.” So he got on a diet and tried some exercises and the weight starting falling off. He was told that his problem was an anxiety disorder.

At home, the sex was down to nothing if at all. They fights came fast and furious, they argued a lot. “I think the arguments came because she felt I couldn’t satisfy her in bed and mostly they were about very silly things; pressing toothpaste from the middle, leaving my socks on the floor, leaving the toilet seat up, not washing the bathroom after showering…and after the fights she would not to talk to me for days. Sometimes I’d read her FB status updates, her asking questions about marriage that made me look really bad. When I brought that up she blocked me. What hurt me during this time was that she would confide in her bridesmaids about our intimate sex life and that really made me feel so betrayed because they never asked to meet us and sort out whatever problem were were having.”

One day she went underground; she didn’t come back home. He called her and she didn’t pick up his calls. He called everybody who might have known her whereabouts but nobody knew. He even called her parents, something he says is some sort of a desperate and embarrassing last act. Eventually she sent word through her bestmaid that he shouldn’t bother looking for her, that she will be back home when she is back. She was gone from Monday to Thursday night. When she came she gave some half-ass excuse and told him that where she was was none of his business. He demanded to see her phone and the stories didn’t add up. “Also in some of her SMSes she was telling lots of people about our intimate problems.”

One week later, on a Friday in March 2018, he came home at 8pm to find her packing her things. She said she was leaving. “I followed her around the house, pleading with her not to leave, as she picked things she wanted to leave with. I reminded her that she had sworn before God and man that she would stick in the marriage through health and sickness but she wasn’t having any of that. I even knelt down and asked her to stay.”

“So a man can get on his knees twice in his lifetime,” I said, recalling his earlier statement.

“She carried everything that had her identity, including her pillow. So now I had bedsheets with one pillow. I found that funny later,” he says. “The last thing she told me before she left in an Uber was that I was never to call her again.”

She left him.

There were the painful moments of dealing with failure and inadequacy and questions to self and questions about how others had failed him. Like the best man and maid. Three months later, he is seated in church and the pastor asks them to turn and say hello to the person seated next to them and he turns and next to him is this lady in an African dress with an orange bible and he smiles at her and she smiles at him and he gets her number after the service and takes her on dates and tells her about his past marriage and she’s sceptical and doesn’t talk to him for a month.

They start dating and this time he decides not to save it for marriage so they start having sex which isn’t a problem this time, it turns out. His treatment of erectile dysfunction was the medication he was given; Talgentis 5mg and Seroxat 20mg. (Don’t self medicate though, see a urologist). He also says that foreplay is important, that one shouldn’t jump into sex (no need to be do a 50 Cent move, in other words) because in his mind he thought he was the king of quickies. He adds that diet is key; avoid fatty and deep fried foods, eat healthy. Most importantly keep fit.

He marries her in a traditional affair, no wedding this time, no removed panties in black Range Rovers.

His problem now is that his wife doesn’t believe that his ex-wife left him because he had erectile dysfunction. “She finds it impossible because, well, now I’m a well-oiled machine.” He laughs. “She thinks it’s a story I fed her.” Oh, and they are expecting a baby in March.

“Did you ever hear from your ex-wife again?”

“No. But one day she sat behind me in church. I could feel her staring at the back of my head. But she never spoke to me. I have never had closure there,” he says. “I really want to know why she was so quick to leave me, why she couldn’t hang on, why she shared our story with many people and embarrassed me. One time someone in church actually asked me why I couldn’t keep a wife.”

“Is a wife a dog you can keep?” I ask.

“Now they – church guys – give me that look. That look that they know something about me, some secret about me. I bet they think I still can’t have an erection.”

I pay the bill. We chat some more. I have to make a move. I’m going to the dentist later, to fill a cavity. Poor doctor, he will find chicken curry and guacamole in there.

“You know the lesson for me here?” I ask him.

“What?” he asks.

“Don’t win an argument with your woman” I say. “If she wants only two of your friends in her wedding line-up, have two people in her line-up.”

He laughs.

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  1. People fear bugs, snakes, death, hell and all that. My greatest fear in the world is being on that stage and failing to rise up to the occasion!

    1. Every man’s fear, these ladies should cut us some slack sometimes. But why do they pretend they dont like sex out there?

    2. Every man’s fear… Every man!!!
      That guy has been thru a lot though… Lesson: don’t be a Prince aty until marriage and 2. Always let the lady have her way when it comes to marriage.

      1. These two conclusions are a fallacy….. One,waiting till marriage was not the problem here, he had a treatable condition which if the lady would have acted maturly n supported him through it, they could have gotten past that challenge in their marriage(the first mongst millions they would have faced in the journeyif they had stuck together) Two, mature people agree to disagree n compromise where necessary…. letting someone have their way based on their gender/sex is not a healthy conflict resolution pattern especially in marriage. People must fight in a relationship n it is best they developed healthy patterns of settling arguments bure hata their offspring will just learn negative ways of handling conflicts.
        *End of rant*

  2. “… He laughs and says that’s his penis. How exciting is this so far, I think to myself, I’m having lunch with another man and talking about a penis called Johnny. And the song “Johnny” by Yemi Alade kept playing in my head. …”

    You are a special brand of pervert

  3. Marriage is really a tough card to play with absolutely no blue print.
    I’m wondering, is he really surprised that she shared about their sex life with the world? Was there things she shared about them while they were dating he wasn’t comfortable with that could have been a tell?
    Creating intricate depths of friendships is such a delicate prerequisite to any lifelong commitment.

    1. When it comes to marriage and sorting out issues there are always two sides of a story. He has said good part it would be food to know the ex’s side also.

  4. I honestly cant wait to see how this men and marriage series continues. I love it. Makes Tuesdays more bearable. Ha ve a read then the day gets better than it already was. Thank you Biko

  5. Wah this I have laughed hard. Thank God he is now happy… I don’t what I would have done if I could have been that lady.

  6. A man stares in the mirror. Says, “You are a mandingo. You can do this”. The Erection Games.

    He knows his masculinity, albeit acutely unfairly, depends on it.

    The worst part? The person that loved him enough to get him a shower curtain hinges their entire marriage on this one thing. Perhaps the only thing she thinks matters. Is sex in marriage the only thing?

    1. Me thinks had it been the other way round, that she’s frigid, he’d have used it as a license to cheat and even leave her.

      1. I think i like this, telling it as it is because quote and quote “In fact, although. In fact, during the time we were dating, I was having sex with other chicks.” unless taking a vow changed his mind which i doubt.

        1. This same statement “ In fact, during the time we were dating, I was having sex with other chicks” really got to me.. so he goes around screwing other chicks while “preserving” the one he wants to marry? And you expect things to work out perfectly? Sorry am not sorry

          1. I was surprised that no one was commenting on the fact that he was cheating throughout their dating days. And the way he said it…the self-righteousness of the guy! But I’m glad it’s sorted. They should’ve sat down and talked with the first wife because she definitely thought he knew he had erectile disfunction before marriage and lied to her and trapped her in a sexless marriage (not unlike Akin in Stay With Me, by Ayobami Adebayo) And he lied and said he’s a virgin. Goodness. Didn’t they use to makeout befote they got married? She spent so many weekends with him, hata kama alikuwa analala kwa sofa. So many things are weird in this story. At least the baby will be proof to everyone that he can risr to the occasion

          2. Yes,that what struck me!!Him having sex with other chicks when they were dating and him pretending to Abstain.That sucks.He is just a wierdo.

      1. When there is something huge you hate about a person, you will struggle to find many things you like. The reverse is true

    2. Good question. Its in the same league with, “are children or lack thereof the only thing that stamp a marriage as legit”. It boils down to the vows… why stand before man and God and promise to do shit you have no intention of upholding? Stay unmarried, it doesn’t hurt!

      1. Not sorry about that either
        Just wondering if he tried to go outside marriage to find out if he still worked tungeambiwa hap

  7. What a sad way to start life for the poor guy. That must have been a hit to his ego…..I can imagine “it” failing to launch when its best needed.

    1. Women assume that a man should rise to the occassion whenever naked skin is flashed. But its not always the case. It also takes a moment to kill the wind in the flag by a silly comment.

  8. It happened in an SDA church. It turns out that there are Kikuyu SDAs. That’s so odd. It’s like a mzungu mkorino… HEHE

  9. I’m ashamed to say i found this story very funny – i was clutching myself & all that jazz. It’s the way Biko told it. But all’s well that ended well.

  10. a pity that this every day occurrence is the least understood in a marital relationship.old wives tales sometimes more therapeutic than a visit to a urologist!

  11. “Don’t win an argument with your woman. If she wants only two of your friends in her wedding line-up, have two people in her line-up.”

    Can’t argue with that logic. Although that’s easier said than done.
    Also, weddings are for the parents, the extended family, the bride, the church, the service providers, and the groom in that order.

    Congratulations, random dude. Happy Father’s Day in advance.

  12. a sigh at the end we cant really blame the lady because she was getting advice from the wrong circle.anyway its a pool of lessons for me if the vow is for better for worse then it should be respected and somehow just find a reason to hang on

  13. My lesson? No matter how long you date someone you will never learn them completely…life will still surprise you. 5 years dating then one month into marriage results to divorce…a fling may result to a lifetime nupital…well I guess it is a matter of taking chances and hoping for the best

  14. Haha “facing gulu or Dodoma or whatever place women turn to look at” . That girl is probably unhappy in her new life. I wish that Tiger nothing but the best with his new woman.

    1. I somehow feel sorry for the chic. A ninja still hitting others and preserving (keeping her starved) for future use. Then on the Dday he comes up short?? Come on! At least you could have limad her all along.

  15. Ooh man, the most embarrassing thing to happen to mankind, these things happen and my hope is for you to find a woman who never get aroused too to tell their stories (Mostly are due to F.G.M) you will be surprised..Thank God that guy can now get a full erection.

  16. Did you mention the guy’s age? In his early to mid thirties I suppose. Still young for ED. Maybe it was the weight issue. Again, 95 kg not much if he is tall. The chick had juju on her, no?

    1. Heey Tracey… Sometimes it occurs ‘early’ to them too,but with all the other factors say anxiety, diet and weight increasing it’s chances…

  17. There is more to this article. Marriage is a mystery. None is similar to the other. I would like to hear the side of the lady’s story. Biko, could find her please? I’m sure it will be interesting, both as a story and a lesson to many couples going through the same.

  18. It was never abt the ED. She just did not love him. She did what many of us women do when we reach the marital age, she thought he seemed like husband material. Married him and having ED just made it worse. And So she found the excuse to leave. Kwanza is that a marriage considering they did not consumate it?

    1. My thinking, that she dint even consider staying and helping him on his issue or even sought options to keep their marriage going raises the questions of if she even loved him at all… or what was she really after when marrying this guy?

      1. Exactly. If she really loved him shw would have stayed and helped him get there.women dont need sex THAT badly to maintain a marriage. She just needed a way out.plus discussing their business all over. No woman that loves you will anika you like that

    2. Legally it is not. If she had known of the ED before marriage & went ahead to marry him anyway – no grounds. But since she was ‘deceived’ this is a very viable ground for divorce. I saw divorce submissions that put it well (wife seeking divorce for this same reason), she claimed “the respondent (husband) like the proverbial dog in a manger that does not eat hay, but prevents the cow from enjoying it”. Never forgotten, I cackled a good one.

      1. True. Legally the marriage was not consumated. So they could have even annulled it since it wasnt even a real marriage

    3. But they did consummate (do we say during or at) honeymoon. I imagine even with a ‘half-hearted/disheartened/luck-lustre/faded erection’ its still possible?

    4. Maybe she felt cheated. Maybe she was pissed at the thought that he KNEW he had ED right from the word go but strung her all along in the name of staying pure till after the wedding.

  19. Wait, what? You were sleeping with other girls while you were dating her? That’s the reaction I expected from you Biko. Also thought it was Karma but I guess the story ended nicely. Or did it?

  20. “mostly they were about very silly things; pressing toothpaste from the middle, leaving my socks on the floor, leaving the toilet seat up, not washing the bathroom after showering…”
    These are not silly things at all. At all.

    The mzungu Mukorino though…Hahaha

  21. “She thinks it’s a story I fed her.” The predicament here is huge. Patience is a virtue not so many people poses. I feel the society overrated sex and marriage in general, the expectation are so high. Save it for marriage, what are people going to say if we stay 5 years without kids…..bla bla bla…..its so hard trying to live to their exceptions. There is more to this marriage life i think than living together and bearing kids…no?

    1. Very true. There is more to marriage than most people know. endless sacrifices, protecting each other from the nosy public etc etc.

  22. This guy never takes the health teachings we are always taught in church seriously..probably he is the type who never attends the afternoon sessions 🙂 … (not judging because I seldom attend the afternoon Sabbath lessons ) . Anyway siri ni to avoid junk and red meat. Eat lots of nuts,seeds, fruits and veggies and also lots of water ….. till the cock crows …..till the sun goes down and rise again…..

  23. ‘And this panty happens to be the right size of the kind of women that you love!’
    I loved the way you got me lost in the middle of the narration. For a moment, I thought you had switched the plot and the owner of the black range rover was the main character.
    I thought his wife was going to divorce to divorce him because she had found a pantie, with the right size!
    But how does a wife know the size of the panty of the women that her husband loves?

    I am publishing my first book in March, yet every day I yearn to write like you.

  24. wow, that bit of counting money though!!!!!
    Am calculating back March 2019 to March 2019, so much seems to have happened

    Hello 2019!

  25. When the hunter becomes the hunted……she shouldn’t have been the one to make the first move from the beginning. Great that you got someone.

  26. God might as well have saved him from a hell hole. Some marriages are just not meant to be. He should thank his lucky stars, we have seen professors trying to fly for love.

  27. I am going through the same thing!!!!!! its embarrassing, its heartbreaking. you see mine cannot rise to the occasion.He has all manner of excuses as to why… he is stressed.. work.. no money… and i should understand. i have done my very best to be understanding and to hold on, but it gets really lonely and difficult. sometimes i even tell myself, is it me? maybe am the problem.. maybe am too fat/unattractive. what should i do? maybe he lost interest as it wasn’t the case before. he used to be so into me!!! i am so so frustrated! ans sexually starved!!!!

  28. “Okay, had this problem been there before with other girls?” I ask instead.
    “No, that’s the thing! I had been fine. In fact, although. In fact, during the time we were dating, I was having sex with other chicks.”

    Weuh! The laissez-faire tone used here is mind-boggling.
    Therein lies the answer to his predicament. He was busy tapping side-chicks during the time he was dating, wasting their precious time knowing he wasn’t taking them anywhere.
    His erectile dysfunction showing up at the most important time in his life may simply be karmatic…a matter of seedtime and harvest.

    1. I think you are too judgemental, which is understandable in this case since you are a lady, but dont you think even the gals he was tapping also knew that? Infact you’d be surprised if this guy had been probed further on this – maybe to find out that some of the chicks he kunjad were HER friends and well aware of the wedding plans, going behind her back. Gals, gals!

  29. What happened to the vow,in sickness and in health?

    Was it that hard for her to write ONLY 10 things why she loved him?while he had a huuuge list that exceeded 10!!!?

    Looking forward to Tuesdays.

  30. This here…
    “I can think of a million things I could have done in that situation; press-ups being one of them. Or staring at myself in the mirror and giving myself a pep-talk; You, yes, you, can do this. You can. You are a machine. You rise and rise and you don’t stop until the cock crows. Don’t look away, look at me. You are a mandingo. Say it like you mean it, you are a mandingo. Good! Now, when she comes out of that shower you are going to shatter all her fears, you are going to overwhelm her, you are going to be the man. Now, sing the National anthem…”

    i have laughed so hard.

    Doing life with the wrong person is like wearing ill fitting shoes. They pinch you, bruise you, you even start to bleed and limp. Eventually you cant stand them anymore and either you never wear them again or you go get yourself a new pair.

  31. Patience is a virtue that not so many people have the lady was too quick to jump into divorce I wish she took time to understand the man anyway am sure she must regret now that she left and the guy moved on and even expecting a baby God bless them
    @Biko how you think I still cannot relate Ati like a mzungu mkorino hahahahaha like really this has really cracked me up!!!Hope to meet you in 2019

  32. I have stopped having quickies. Could it be that this guy had performed so well in quickies that he could not do it at the right time? Poor boy!! SAD.

  33. Me Dolphine Achieng, daughter of Camlus Ooko am not listening to any man who tells me to wait till marriage (and he is eating it elsewhere!!!!!) wait for what and why? If at all i have never sinned before then i will wait, but nope am a sinner forgive me Lord i can’t wait and i won’t wait! How can i wait when that’s the main thing that’s making me to leave my papa’s compound? the only thing my brothers can’t give me. The beauty of marriage.
    And ladies please don’t share your marriage (failure/success) with any tom, dick and harry there are so many ways to find help plus not all those who laugh with you will cry with you. Once you are married talking about your other half’s weakness does not only belittle them but also brings out your failure and inner character because you are a unit/ an item. These our men you see with all the men ego, dressed up in nice suits with all that confidence and always in control are the weakest human being especially when it comes to their manhood. Look at a whole bloke 95kg of a man kneeling down for a woman to stay, imagine! Please don’t let our men do this!

  34. Sad. I would like to extend this question to men. Since we suffer and are unable to perform, the women take off. Should we do the same when we are with women who are lousy in bed?

  35. Hey,
    So we are just going to pretend and forget that part where..”I had been fine. In fact, although. In fact, during the time we were dating, I was having sex with other chicks”.

  36. That moment when “Debenji” rises but falls back as fast as he rose is one of the weakest for a man. It makes one to feel vulnerable, weak, and all the ego evaporates to thin air. The harder you think about it, the harder it is to have an erection, and the more frustrated you become. It leaves you feeling inconsolable and dejected. Talk of excessive masturbation and pornography (hell no, any masturbation or pornographic materials), it is the one of the primary causes of erectile dysfunction and can take really long to recover. We all want good sex, and steel-hard erection. Exercise, STOP watching porn and masturbation, and eat healthy.

    1. Exactly porn addiction is a leading cause of erectile dysfunction (ED), premature ejaculation(PE) and delayed ejaculation(DE) amongst men. Turn off that screen and pursue real women instead. Read YBOP by Gary Wilson both book and blog. Its an epidemic.

  37. Its unfortunate that this happens silently in our society of marriages.
    Am happy though that they separated before affairs or deaths had become an easy solution for them.

    Shit happens, life continues…. that’s ife

  38. I fear they were not sexually compatible. That incompatibility might have been caused by any number of reasons, but it seems like it’s the classic case of friend-zoning due to a prolonged period of no-sex.

    In certain situations, a romantic relationship may turn into some sort of brother-sister relationship – one that has no sexual feelings (at least from one of the two). Sexual incompatibility is more common than we would wish to admit. However, the issue becomes more pronounced if the man is the one primarily affected, as the couple might be totally unable to have penetrative sex.

    Let’s talk about men:
    This happens a lot where sex is initially repressed, mainly forcing the man to relate with the woman not as a sexual partner but as a platonic friend. To maintain such a relationship, the man has to constantly repress the sexual urges, and it becomes a part of him. The moment he is expected to suddenly show sexual intimacy, he is unable to switch from the platonic level that he has gotten acclimatized to.

    I’m talking of a situation where the guy is aroused by other women but not his partner.

    There are many causes for this. They might have had a sexless relationship “to save themselves for marriage”. One party might have insisted on no sex before marriage. She might be exerting other types of pressure on the guy – making the guy too scared to live, leave alone push for his intimacy needs. I’m not blaming the woman: it’s just the way things are sometimes. Probably the guy also needs to be strong enough to push for his preferences. The woman might also be witless about the possible damage.

    The solution: eliminate the root cause. Do anything that will eliminate the platonic aspect (or pressure) and cause the man to start experiencing the woman as a sexual partner. If that doesn’t work and the couple can’t live together like that, separation is practical as sexual happiness is a critical part of a happy romantic relationship.

  39. There were the painful moments of dealing with failure and inadequacy and questions to self and questions about how others had failed him. Like the best man and maid.

    I thought they are supposed to seat the couple down and talk to them???
    Lesson learned-Its not over until its over

  40. I ask him how he knows for sure that he is good at it. He says because he always gets “called back.” I write on my notepad; Very good at foreplay, get’s called back” and underline the “very” in that sentence.
    day made

  41. The red flag was when he could list more than 10 things he liked about her but she could barely muster 5 things.
    From there, it can only go downhill

  42. Great come back, Mr. Kikuyu SDA! I’m worried he hasn’t had closure over the wife walking out though. I have a feeling that he’ll feel the need to prove to her that he’s now a ‘well oiled machine’ for closure

  43. It happened in an SDA church. It turns out that there are Kikuyu SDAs. That’s so odd. It’s like a mzungu mkorino.

  44. The struggles for men out here are real. Am glad he can now rise to the occasion-helps to silence all those church members.

    Patience in marriage is key but since i don’t have the moral authority to judge the first wife, i just hope they can both have closure one day .

  45. Thank God it did not rise to the occasion, maybe if it would have risen, you could have a married a toxic person who does not love you..

  46. I have read this keenly and i must say,it seems there was not enough love that could last this marriage..
    Again am left wondering why this woman left this man yet all ladies proclaim that we men just need them for sex.
    Are we slowly agreeing that sex can keep or ruin a relationship??
    In another view maybe this was just a way of saving him from more bigger troubles with this woman

  47. Sorry – but this man is not the victim.

    Granted, she talked about his less-than-perfect manhood-ness, but what was he doing sleeping around with other women when he was dating? And all this because he ‘respected’ her and did not want the marriage to be about sex. Some respect that!

    1. @Rose, I thought so too. Maybe the sleeping around has come home to roost. Men just don’t respect women. I hope he gets a daughter!!

    1. Will it work? It sucks to have sex that early in a relationship. I have tried, it backfire terribly on me. So no thank you.

  48. I think there is an element in everyone’s life that is always a mystery. I personally went through a similar situation… Twice.
    I was a bull when in casual hook ups.
    Anything serious and Johnnie goes on holiday.
    Maybe there should be a new name for that?
    Commitment driven erectile malfunction…or something like that.
    Quit the whole marriage scene and I have been ok all through….
    Definitely not ideal but it’s a life.
    Marriage is good… For some.
    I think the main thint is to fit to what makes you happy… Not to what people find ok.
    Being alone is not being lonely.

    1. “Being alone is not being lonely” I love it.
      And twenty times better than being with someone just because you are scared of being alone.

  49. Many people say their vows without thinking what they are really getting into, now I know better what “for better or for worse may include”
    Nice read

  50. She did well to leave him rather than compound the problem by cheating. Interesting series this will be- entertaining as informative. Great read!

  51. I am glad I wasn’t the only one who was surprised at this “…….In fact, during the time we were dating, I was having sex with other chicks.”

    1. We all caught it, like it’s something to brag about…that alone made me not feel sorry for him. You could almost see him thumping his chest as though it’s an achievement. *Rolls eyes to 2020*

  52. Hehe, the lady with hips like two half-moons should have solved the erectile dysfunction by at least trying rather than sleep facing gulu!!
    Slap that schlong to life!
    She shoulda gone her knees and sucked life into that LOLO!

    wanawake are just stresses tupu!! daaamn!

    Men can live alone! ….and that’s the bottom line.

  53. It turns out that there are Kikuyu SDAs. That’s so odd. It’s like a mzungu mkorino.
    hahaha killer! But something worth the read.

  54. All human interactions, love, relationships, marriage, work. All these are about giving. When they are only taking, you’re with the wrong person. I hope you have let go of your distractive and toxic habit of sleeping around now that you are on wife number 2.

  55. I understand her frustration…nothing she could do other than leave. Anyway seems there is no correct way to date, waiting for marriage?? Na ah‍♀️

  56. You know the lesson for me here?

    ‘have that deep awkward uncomfortable conversation with the one you love’

    So beautifully narrated. Thank you Biko for always sharing the story of humanity. Even during the cold grey winter, your articles wrap me in warmth.

  57. Whatever the case I think its childish for the lady to go telling people he can’t rise to the occasion. Angetoka tu polepole

  58. According to her first reactions when he confessed his virginity. It proved that men should start exercising before they settle down.

  59. If the lady was really in love she would have sticked around and helped him save numbers za this kienyeji doctors…daktari wa nguvu za kiume instead of embarrassing their marriage…
    Kwani she can’t survive without sex aaaih she is the kind who jump from one man to another tasting ‘johnies’

  60. “I really want to know why she was so quick to leave me, why she couldn’t hang on”,……Lack of the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious.(PATEIENCE )

  61. How did he know that she was interested in him? Her eyes. They danced on him playfully. They touched him tenderly as if he was recovering from malaria. She looked at him like you would look at a newborn’s small fists.

    Awesome read.

  62. Wueh! … Imagine saving the delicious looking piece of mango for last only for.it to.fall to.the ground and you dont get to savour the sweetness…. OR…waiting to perform only to get a brain freeze or stage fright …. OR… ( insert your own )…

    That relationship had too many people from the start and clearly that ex was only for the good times…there are marriages that start with the bad times before getting to the good part… In addition she couldn’t get 5 positive things to write about him! She bailed out too soon.

    As for him…you don’t go wasting seed like that! A little patience pays and maybe just maybe johnny was used to 100mtrs and not the marathons and upon realising what was expected from him decided to resist. It is a good thing there was medication for the resistance and things are good now.

    Biko! Thankfully i was reading the article in the house! The laughter!

  63. I am not a sex therapist but the minute she went to the shower by herself and he was left counting the 200k, I knew right there things were not going to improve.

    When she walked into that shower, he should have followed a minute and a half later, Enough time for her to drop the towel and start running water on her yearning body……He should have Lathered every part of her body having in mind that some parts that may not be directly visible would require a lighter touch and a little more time lathering……where were we?

    good read Biko……

  64. The guy felt inadequate from the first day they met. He felt she deserved better men than him. This may have contributed to the ED coz it was only when he was with her.

  65. ” funnier men, men who seemed to know how to pitch tents and cook, she chose him.”

    My take, learn how to pitch tents earlier in the relationship.

  66. My take? Hunt for your meat. Don’t eat steak you’ve been handed. Okay, you can eat it, but for Pete’s sake don’t marry it (excuse the “it” – you get my point). It’s been my experience that relationships that were sparked by a woman having tuned me, ended up badly and on such silly grounds. There’s a thing about making the first move as the man that makes relationships stick. When a lion gets handed a deer, that’s all it has, whether the deer is sick, heavy with malaria or just downright petty. But when the lion goes hunting on its own, it gets to choose which prey to make a move on, and if the prey is not its to keep, it will evade its claws. But if it is its to keep, no one will take it from its grip.

  67. In my view, when Johnny failed to rise up, he should have been honest with her as well as be creative in pleasuring her. Counting cash as she showered in defeat is sadly shady.

    Silence on these issues makes them way worse than they ought to be – not to mention the anxiety. Had he spoken out in vulnerability, she probably would have taken him to see the urologist. My view.

  68. I’m fascinated how ladies focus on the “screwing other girls” instead of sympathizing with the poor chap. Reminds me of a time we were arguing with bae and by bad luck instead of calling her Lilly (her name) I said Millie (my ex who was known to her). The topic changed instantly. I had to beg for forgiveness

    1. Excuse me sir without coming across as abrasive. His character came to question when he shamelessly thought it was wise to say what he did and that became the focal point. A man is not how hard his erection is or whether he can get one. A man is who he is and how he carries himself especially when no one is looking. Thank me later.

  69. Humor diffuses shit-storms. I wouldn’t know where to start if my champion decided to stay down in a battle. I am glad his machine now works.

    On a more serious note, there are indications throughout the story that the lady did not like him very much. Why did she say yes?

  70. Excuse me for just a minute here, why do we feel sorry for someone who was ready to loose it all? He was cheating on the lady he was dating to marry. He did not value her right from the onset. Aki men are lame. Let karma get to work.

  71. She did extremely well to leave. A cheat is a cheat, ED or terrible upcoming or jobless. A cheat is a cheat. Let that sink in ladies.

  72. My sympathy went down the drain the moment i read this “In fact, during the time we were dating, I was having sex with other chicks.” and the lies…. Really?
    Biko…did you ask him whether he is still having side chicks in addition to the current wife?. Old habits die hard.

  73. Prov 21:19……..It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.
    Prov 21:9………Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

    The guy dogded a bullet there, happy for him. The Bible has never lied.

  74. Lofe lemonades..you hitting afound saving for the best then shit happens not once but through out the honeymoon.. Man am cursed! The moment you wish for a baby to come up with a claim.

  75. It has always been said to us by our father, life is about many things. Though what stuck with me were:
    1.Be honest.
    2.Be direct.
    3.Be consistent.
    They have helped me stay in my relationships and marriage for the last 11 years. Marriage is not for the weak hearted and habitual liars.

  76. “It was a half-hearted erection. A disheartened erection. A luck-lustre erection. A faded erection.” LOL
    Well, this descripton is quite vivid, I must say. This dude must be really strong to come out of this situation with his ego still intact.

  77. Nice one Biko! Exactly why I’m still undecided on waiting till marriage to commence the shagging ; I’m scared “Johnny” may not rise up to the occasion (Though I workout and I don’t masturbate or watch porn) . Unless I get one of those pious ladies serious about waiting. At least that will keep me in check.

    And ladies, please take it easy on the man. It’s quite tricky being one, we’re always the ones to get hard and never the other way round. By the way Biko, I’m surprised and quite amused some Kenyans including you don’t know who “Johnny” is. Don’t you guys remember that song that went “John nampenda John” ?

  78. This is why marriage is scary at times. Cant fault both parties for their decisions.
    That lady was in it for the wrong reasons, as most of us are…the sense of fulfillment from having a husband should not be the reason to enter into marriage.

  79. i love the way you digress from the Range Rover to the story of Jeremy and the wife holding the panty….you are truly a gifted writer Biko !! nimecheka yangu yote….and i was having such a bad day .. am binging on all the stories since a have missed quite a number this year

  80. Who else is re-reading this in Feb.?haha..but again,I feel we are entitled to both sides of the story for us to make the right verdict.I revisit here so I can read the comments..as always Biko,you are a rare gem!Keep up.

  81. Mistakes that foolish men do…before the engagement, before that ruracio and that wedding, hit it,…don’t fckn procrastinate it some bloody honeymoon…Once I ATE two girls in an evening only for my girlfriend to pop up that very night…Johnny was overwhelmed by the day’s job…he let me down…I was sooo stressed…he finally rose at midnight….thank God am not overweight….!! cheers…

  82. Is it just me or did this guy just say ‘In fact, during the time we were dating, I was having sex with other chicks.” What ?? He saved her for the wedding night while sleeping around? Unbelievable!!

  83. I know it’s a late reply but this story taught me a lot. Been taking notes. Learned a thing or two about relationships…

  84. this story sent me on such an emotional rollercoaster..one moment am amused then laughing like a mad woman then getting emotional..wow life