#How to Be a Social Media Mom

The first tenet you have to embrace is that motherhood isn’t about your baby. It’s about you. Babies are just collateral damage. Never mind them. The second is that you don’t have to be married to be a mother. It would be nice, but it isn’t essential. Besides where are the men anyways? The eligible ones are still battling with their sexuality. Or live in their parents’ SQs. Or worship their angry trumpeting pampered Subarus. Or live under the ever-looming shadow of their mothers.

The rest are drunks. Or are quickly headed that way. Who needs that? So pick the devil with good genes (meaning he who works as a financial analyst and has great eyebrows), and get him to sire you a baby. Predictably he will flee after the deed, which is perfect because he isn’t part of your plan anyway. You have a great job, a Nissan X-trail and a nice prime ka-plot you are paying off for a home. Rock on!

So now you are pregnant. Perfect. Next important step? I hope you are on Facebook. You have to be on Facebook to make this motherhood project work. But even better, sign up on Instagram. Those two social sites are essential for impending motherhood. Signed up? Excellent. Now get ready to log on to those sites to post images of your 4-month bump. (Of course you have to wear the sexiest dress for this, because the whole point is to look all glowing and happy).

Now alongside those baby bump pictures, make a huge announcement on your wall that you are expecting a baby. Use four exclamation marks to show enthusiasm. Carefully take note of the ‘friends’ who ‘like’ the comments and those who don’t. Those who don’t will be singled out as the jealous ones and observed closely, because those are the ones who have never been happy for you from the word go. Those who express anything that isn’t in line with the necessary happy theme are un-friended for their negative energy. Those who comment asking who the baby-daddy is, are un-friended and immediately blocked.

Keep updating these social media sites with progress of your pregnancy, making sure not to ignore the mundane stuff, like the first kick, pictures of your scans and detailed tales of your harrowing morning sickness. At some point you must get studio photos taken of yourself, naked from the torso up, in moody, mysterious and artistic lighting.  Make them black and white to give that reflective timelessness of the commencement of a new chapter. Start a blog if you can and have a massive countdown to the delivery date, making sure you interrupt as many people’s lives with it by spamming them with frequent updates.

When you discover the sex of the baby, consult widely on social media sites for name suggestions. Then ignore those suggestions. The name you settle on has to be an exotic name; please we don’t want a kawaida name like Paul or Jane or Rosalia. That’s so Nyayo era! If your mom is called Laudencia, then for sure none of your children will be named after her.

The name you chose should be Maasai, Xhosa or something exotic from a far-flung exotic locale. Make sure the name has no meaning or history. The whole point is for everybody to ask you what inspired the name. What is the point if your baby’s name can’t elicit a conversation? You would have failed as a mother. And a woman.

Delivery day. Of course it’s going to be a Cesarean section. Normal delivery is so mainstream. Normal delivery is devoid of colour, besides you are too posh to push. Then again, you want the delivery date to mean something. It has to be your favourite number, match your birthday, or be the day you got your first tattoo. Post pictures of yourself in a hospital gown ready to go into surgery. Make sure the logo of the hospital you are checking into is clearly visible. It’s even better if it’s the Princess Zahra Pavilion. You are giving birth to a messiah for crying out loud, that whole manger thing was overrated anyway. You want a private room, with a private doctor, but you want the whole world to know about this privacy.

When the baby is born, quickly post those pictures on Facebook. Many, many pictures of this baby, hair still matted against his skull, pink from embarrassment and eyes shut tight, as if afraid to see the charade he’s being launched into. Everybody will ‘like’ it. You have to be evil not to ‘like’ a picture of a newborn. Everybody will go, “Awwww, he is sooo cute!” while actually meaning, “Oh God, he looks Chinese!” Those who say anything to the contrary are blocked. Those who don’t say anything at all are jealous. Or unhappy in their lives. Or have negative energy.

Instagram pictures of this newborn. All the baskets of fruit you receive. Take selfies with visitors and your girls. Gloat. Damn it gloat. Write breathless updates at midnight about how fulfilling motherhood is. Express a loss of words to describe the feeling of holding your baby in your arms. Write short random updates like, “This morning I saw my baby sleep and I just cried. I just couldn’t help it.” Make everybody believe that this experience has shifted your axis. Quote the Bible, that is if you can remember any verses from Sunday school. Post as many images of the baby as you can. And of you, with lipstick and eyeliner, because even in the face of delivery, nary a hair of yours is out of place. You were born aristocratic.

Now change all your names on all social media platforms. You are now Mama Lemashon. (A Maasai name for a luo child). Or Standiwe’s Mother. (Xhosa name for a Kao child)  Or Mamake Diallo. (Senegalese name for a Kale child). Change your profile updates to read something reflective like “The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. ~Honoré de Balzac” Or “Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials.” ~Meryl Streep

After a while, the comments and ‘likes’ will dwindle because people will have moved on with their lives, which means traffic, annoying bosses, stagnant careers, nosy landlords, boyfriends on blue pills, inquisitive mothers, erratic menstrual cycles, fishy boyfriends, unapproved pending leave, annoying pedicurists, decisions to go natural, the search for new diets, plans to travel around Asia to find oneself……You won’t believe it but people actually have lives outside your cute baby. But don’t be deterred, keep posting. ‘Like’ your own updates if you can. This is your time, sister. Your happiness is in your own hands.

When the baby gets to four months, you will wake up one day and realize what it has done to your body. No worries. Post a picture of a gym bag with another announcement:

‘Getting me back!’ You will get lots of cheers on Facebook. Everybody cheers on Facebook. You go girl! Operation Reclaim Body is on. Starve yourself if you have to. Go vegan. Start yoga classes. And at some point introduce the baby to formula milk because all the suckling might make your boobs sag. And we can’t have sagging boobs so soon, can we?  So wean the baby off breast-milk ASAP.

One day, out of the blue, post a picture of yourself at some swanky joint like Caramel, glass of merlot in hand, decked out in a little black dress with your waist-line showing, to show the haters and nay-sayers that you are back with a banging body! It doesn’t matter if you can’t breathe in that corset. Those are details. Look happy. Look reborn. Filter that picture because it’s now a filter of your life.

The first day at work, make sure you are looking terrific. Make sure you post a picture of your rich hair, shining like the Northern Star. It’s even better if you work for those companies that welcome folk back with a cake. Instagram the hell out of those moments. Show everyone just how not only are you happy at home with a new baby, you are also loved at work.

The baby will grow, as will your followers. Monitor the latter more keenly. The former is being handled by your very diligent nanny. On Fridays at 3pm, tweet or Facebook how you can’t wait to get home to see your dear angel. How time always seems to stand between you and your baby. At 5pm update how it’s time to go kiss your baby, then rush out, only to be derailed by some pals and end up at Mercury with a mojito in your hand. Don’t tweet this. You can’t expose such submission to peer pressure.

However the days you actually get home early (you are a career woman), make sure you milk that opportunity dry by spending quality time with your baby on social media. So post a picture with captions like: Quality time with my baby (6:21pm); Feeding time. My pumpkin loves pumpkins (7:07pm); Look at her sleeping gear, isn’t it cute? (7:23pm); Baby finally asleep, mummy is now so tired but so fulfilled. I’m truly blessed (7:56pm); Anyone got a contact for someone who does good Acrylic nails? (8:45pm).

Weekends present photo opportunities you can’t afford to miss. Picture of the baby in the car-seat at the back. Picture of you and baby at a patisserie, brooding over some fresh pastry. Picture of you with baby at Blankets and Wine with shades the size of a fruit grape. Picture of you shopping at Baby Shop. Picture of you and baby wearing matching outfits. Yin and Yang.  Do this for one weekend; because the next you are out of town with your girls, sipping expensive bubbly, showing how balanced your life is, offering up the handbook on just how motherhood shouldn’t be a prison sentence.

The whole point of being a post-modern mother (married or not) is that you have to use the baby to build your social capital. You can never present motherhood as challenging. You can never show postnatal depression. You can never indicate in any way that you are even struggling with it, emotionally or financially. If you are married, you can’t express any face on social media other than that of a united front, even if he is removed from it all. And if things don’t work out between you and him, you can’t go on Deadbeat Kenya to moan. You will maintain a certain level of class and self-preservation. Motherhood shall at all times be approached with sanguinity.

You have to show cause for your existence in this age by leaving gushing parental footprints online. You have to fulfil your purpose on earth by showing how you participated in the procreation process and contributed to the longevity of mankind. So raising a child on social media is the closest you can come because raising a child on social media isn’t about how good you are at being a parent, but rather how good you can be at successfully selling this impression to a large gallery.

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258 Comments
    1. Hahaha “imaginary haters” these women described sound vain but it’s the struggle of raising a child and trying to love yourself at the same time.They don’t realise they’re doing wrong at all.

  1. It would be nice, but it isn’t essential. Besides where are the men anyways? The eligible ones are still battling with their sexuality. Or live in their parents’ SQs. Or worship their angry trumpeting pampered Subarus. Or live under the ever-looming shadow of their mothers. You are insane Biko! I still want to be married but the question is-where are the men? Very legit question.

  2. Finally somebody put my thoughts to paper…Its a sad generation, many young mothers are victims of social media motherhood. Sadly, you can’t tell them to their face, cause, ‘facebook fans’ will rant at you.. I do not mind someone talking or posting pictures about her baby..Its the acting, the competing, the pretending that with this baby, they have arrived, found their purpose, reached self actualization…. ITS NEVER SERIOUS…The person who needs to know whether or not you are a good mother is your child, the rest of us are just but others

  3. hahahahaha….Biko,I salute you.Spot on!!!! Real motherhood isn’t for the fainthearted…let the social media moms ask our mothers how it was back in the day,they will be ashamed…nice way to start the week!!!

  4. Great post…other than the part where you referred to my name as ‘kawaida’ and ‘nyayo era’ (will now have to stick to initials).

    Just to be clear, was this meant to be sarcastic or you were actually encouraging our young ladies to be social media moms?

  5. You have literally derailed my Monday…. my goodness. I laughed so hard at the office and I think I scared my colleague in the office at the time. You win *still trying to compose myself*

          1. Excuse you!! Hello Mama is a support groupfor women goingthrough the challenges of motherhood. Very unfortunatethat you take Njoki’s perspectiveas the truth. Given,a few in the groupare of questionable temperament, the rest of us are just new mommies tryingto get a hang of this motherhood gig. Cut us some slack,will you?

    1. Why do people feel the need to put their personal lives on social media? I am divorced, in a relationship, complicated…..who cares just keep your private life private!

      1. Oh yes the newlyweds. the first year anniversaries ….marriage is so sweet my best friend is my husband blah blah blah………its like their marriages are the best in the world…..argh so annoying…..

    2. yes Biko , please do a piece about these people who feel the need to leave each other love notes on fb every morning,afternoon and evening yet they live together. what’s up with that???…why not sms….its more personal, anyway what do i know, i have not been bitten by the love bug.

  6. But we all live our entire lives (working, travelling, motherhood, fatherhood, eating out) on social media, therefore motherhood too has to be glorified on it. I don’t see the big deal.. only woe unto those who can’t see that the subjects of the pictures have been composed into the perfect scene. Social media is a lie and we love it. I live my motherhood on it and I’m unapologetic

  7. You know Biko, I have been a fan of your work for many years. The one thing that is consistent is how you are able to fit into shoes that are not yours and tell that story like you’ve experienced it. I laughed until the second last paragraph (even though I am guilty of letting my son have an exotic name – lol) Social Media is sending people into depression mode because they need to maintain some sort of impression (on strangers by the way) — this social media should have come with a manual.

    Anyway, I learnt that my child needs my attention more than the people on social media do. Hope someone will read this and stop to think. Good piece. As always.

    Signed groupie number 1.

    1. “Social media is sending people into depression mode because they need to maintain some sort of impression-” I see what you did there.

  8. Biko..how many do you know that are like that? most of us have one or two of those traits, I am sure you needed a lot of exaggeration to make your story interesting.

  9. You want a private room, with a private doctor, but you want the whole world to know about this privacy…hehehhe.. sacarsm toppest

  10. Preach preacher… Biko you killed me with the underlying sarcasm….so true. Am so sure the digital mothers union(Hello mothers@makobu) will be so on your A**%#%&….at least I can now share this and be blocked by my pretentious friends… Don’t worry though the rest of us are with you…

  11. hahahahahahahahha…..why on earth would anyone be offended if i post pics of my child/children on social media??? i am proud of and love my children to death and i will post pics of them monthly on instagram and facebook..Biko why on earth do you write articles and share them with us?is it to boast of your writing prowess???..i dont do it to boast.facebook provides me with a platform to share pics and share i will.really you must have serious internal issues/battles/challenges/shortcomings for my pics to affect you…as for those bashing newly weds posting pics on social media SMH……perhaps love has continuously bypassed you?? chill the calm down and continue flicking through my kids pics…YOU WILL GET YOURS SOON ENOUGH.for now le me enjoy and SHARE my journey with you.

    1. XD Hahaha

      Mama Ryan is obviously guilty as charged.

      Word of unsolicited advice Mama Ryan: your ability to share every mundane detail has no bearing on your skills as a mother; but it has an exasperating effect on friends who are too polite to tell you to shove it.

      You share for you, not your kids.

      1. mama Ryan it seems you are guilty as charged .As Biko said;

        social media isn’t about how good you are at being a parent, but rather how good you can be at successfully selling this impression to a large gallery.

        Tafakari hayo.

    2. Hehehe….Love this comment! I mean what is the point of social media if not sharing. If you actually have a facebook or instagram page and not posting your own pics then the only thing you are doing there is stalking other people…lol. simple and true. Otherwise, great writing Biko. I do get the point, don’t be a social media mom be a real mom. Maybe I can be both??!

  12. hahahaha! I have enjoyed this one so much…”So post a picture with captions like: Quality time with my baby (6:21pm); Feeding time. My pumpkin loves pumpkins (7:07pm); Look at her sleeping gear, isn’t it cute? (7:23pm); Baby finally asleep, mummy is now so tired but so fulfilled. I’m truly blessed (7:56pm); Anyone got a contact for someone who does good Acrylic nails? (8:45pm)”
    lol! the transition from the baby to acrylic nails was so hilarious.

    1. I loved this transition too…!!! Enyewe the thought process that goes through a social media being is mingiz… That’s a lot of talent. They should try acting soaps…

  13. Well done Bikozulu if only the truth would be posted one day. Unkempt hair, tears of tiredness as you wake up again to the cry of the little one every 2 hours. The masks digital mums wear are many. Such is life we choose the side to project of ourselves. all in all well done all mums out there. The pride of being a mum comes from the miracle we see each day that lived in us for 9 months. It’s worth all the fanfare. Just wait till the innocence of the child is over I’m now on 15yrs and counting with my son , it’s an awesome journey and I have my digital moments too.

  14. I demand a follow-up. What happens when the kid grows up. responsibilities pile up, she gets another kid after one drunken night with a dude she doesn’t want to be seen with, etc

  15. Hahaha,never disappoints at all.Am yet to be a mother but i think motherhood is a great blessing despite the challenges so some women should just enjoy it and not go plastering it all on social media

  16. Biko never dissapoints, if i share this i may annoy a few friends who i think inspired this article.wow..!! i wish i can express my self like that with a pen.

  17. I use to be pissed off until i learnt that people respond differently to love, in this case they thrive in words of affirmation. Now i just unfollow them and only get to know how Shaniqua is doing when i WANT to. The ‘unfollow’, button is the best ever invention on fb, and they wont even know that you cant see their posts. I enjoyed this

  18. Three points:
    1] Kila nyani na starehe zake

    2]
    I thought that we had taken the naming game to its outer limit when everyday Kiswahili and English words became names. I’m talking about Imani, Amani, Furaha, Pendo, Baraka, Neema, Precious, Princess e.t.c.

    That is until I started meeting little Kenyan boys and girls with Black American like names like Deshawn, Shaniqua, Shantel, Shanice, Kayla, Tamara, Mahala e.t.c.
    Aren’t some of these names a bit too much for a regular Kenyan baby?

    As for those names inspired by Nigerian Pastors …..I have lifted my hands.
    How you name your child Prosperous, Anointed, Blessed Favor, Agape, Good Luck, Holyghost Fire (saw this name on a real birth notification) e.t.c. ……………………………… I have surrendered!

    3]
    My husband insulted me the other day –
    He told me that our kids are getting late to leave the house on time in the mornings because instead of getting them ready, I AM USUALLY PLAYING WITH THE COMPUTER.

    Yes; he hates face book and Yes; I’m still seething.
    I am still designing my revenge for that insult …….. it will be a low blow.

    I am a social media mum ….. of the Nyayo era …. and I LOVE IT!!!

    Thanks BIKO – another brilliant piece.

    Is STEVE BIKO the man behind your name?

  19. Oh wait till I get there…lives will be interrupted, everything will grind to a halt. Payback for all the times it has been rubbed in my face!!

    Biko Sir, thank you for putting it across so well.

  20. Hahaha. I’m in agreement. The eligible ones are battling their sexuality. Or something just as disturbing.
    Don’t get me started on the couples on social media who’ve found love. Very peculiar trend. So so strange.

  21. I also abhor social media moms, but when I was given the option to hide their posts, I pretended I do not know how to use it. Now I am disgusted that those pretentious posts are part of my news feeds. I will start pretending that I do not read them, soon.

  22. Maybe we should be better friends to our friends! Pick up our phones, have honest conversations with them, hang out with them and listen to what they’re not saying etc because everyone’s fighting some sort of battle.

    As always, great read Biko… too posh to push 🙂

  23. I am a social media mom and I make money out of it and no apologies to make, but it is not just an impression am creating am sharing my experiences with other mothers if you feel my experiences are too much for you or don’t add any value to you or will never will then maybe you need to un-friend me. It is by sharing experiences that we encourage each other in motherhood, or parenthood. I share my all, my lows and highs. We are in another era while we can express ourselves on social media, before we would face-to-face, what a better platform? The same platform that is enabling you to share your opinion so I will let you be. However, your opinion on that we are just social media mom’s I will not take it lying down because am a mom online and offline, maybe you have not experienced parenthood so I will let it pass….when you do experience it you will behave the same way you described social media mom’s that is the irony of life!

  24. Brilliant.. for some it’s a lonely, scary world, full of bitter dissapointments and the realisation that roses thrive on manure. Social media makes it bearable, with the ‘likes’ a vindication. For them, if you live it and fake it long enough, it just might come true….

  25. I am a mum and a blogger so I blog about motherhood, (who would have thought),

    So true what you have written, no body want to acknowledge post partum depression, sleepless nights and when I put up a post on such topics, my inbox overflows with how did you get out of it, how can I train my baby to sleep, tell me colic will end sometime before Jesus comes back.

    Children and a lifetime of responsibility and if you are not ready for your life to be changed, then don’t even think about it.

  26. Of course a new born needs a social media account. How does one live without such? You need to list achievements like “obtained a social media account when I was less than one day old” in your CV. Of course you have to elaborate to the shocked interview panel that you did this via your able nominee, mother. You need to update “love you mum”, “getting weaned” then it takes you 6 years to actually write for yourself.

    Lets be honest, babies are NOT beautiful, cute or whatever adjective you might want to use, immediately they are born.

    Let me just park now.

  27. LOL look who’s talking? You blog about fatherhood. In fact you have a while category on fatherhood. And Tamms name appears on most if not all your posts. Your profile picture is that of your girl on Facebook. Let mothers be. They have a special connection with their children right from conception.
    I’m not a mother yet, or married but wait till I do

  28. Lol!…you have stirred a hornets nest Biko! But think about it, how is blogging any different? I wonder how lonely it gets to a blogger who has no comments. Is there a level of validation that you draw from the comments here…their numbers? -More is better? You share bits and bobs of your life-and people like it (or comment!) and if someone doesnt like/comment about it they can go hug a transformer…Loved the post but I think there is a hint of intolerance.

  29. Biko, Biko, Biko!

    Amidst that humour you have raised serious concerns of society! As you made us laugh you talked about absent dads, single mums, self esteem issues, peer pressure and the absence of really social lives. All largely relational issues.

    I am a mother. And before the stones are thrown, let me say i do not post everything about the children on FB. I just wanted to say that yes, as a mother, sometimes all you want to talk about that child. Because, truth be told, those little human beings are fascinating! I don’t know why. Just ignore the urge unless asked directly about the child or if you think your experience will be helpful to another parent.

    I become conscious of the fact that 1. I cannot keep talking about the child especially on social media and 2. The child is entitled to some privacy. And it’s all good.

  30. Hahahahaha. I hope Kenyan ladies and gentlemen get the message in this post. The message below the sarcasm and humor icebergs. Just imagine if our mothers had social media. What would they have posted? Haka biko kamekojoa tena. Hahahaha. I will run away if I get married to such a lady.

  31. I know someone who fits this profile..She’s in media and very miserable personally…but on social media…a grand classy mother of twins!

  32. “Post as many images of the baby as you can. And of you, with lipstick and eyeliner, because even in the face of delivery, nary a hair of yours is out of place. You were born aristocratic.” I love it! very well written. The sarcasm had me in stitches all the way through….

  33. Is it just me or are these baby posts only done for baby #1, so does the novelty wear off from baby #2? But seriously Biko you need to lay off Subaru peeps.

  34. But surely, Biko! How else do you prove that the ruracio, wedding, honeymoon (all pictures posted on social media), had any meaning? There has to be an end game. Here it is!

    Fabulous!

  35. Hhahahahahahahahahahaha……. you have killer sarcasm Biko. The last time I checked, you dint do Facebook. Wonderful post though, as usual. I love it.

  36. Haha.I dint know what an episiotomy was or there ever existed such a word till a Facebook friend posted to tell us how bravely she was handling hers.

  37. As some mix of analog mum and Social Media mum, I am SMH as I see absolutely normal things being ‘demonized’… Fact: Motherhood changes people. Quoting a cliché, it is walking around with your heart outside your body. I like the way you put your points across though.

  38. People( i.e the guilty) are taking this post out of context. The point is not to stop flooding us with your gushing pics, the point is that it represents an unrealistic picture. Facebook is photoshopped experiences, same goes for those who are all lovey dovey on their timelines, but they dont post when fighting, or when the dude cheats…… presenting a false image of your life, perfection, narcissism…wanting the world to applaud you for how perfectly your life has turned out, when the truth is thats not life..there’s sharing and then there’s oversharing…. Biko you are spot on….. while sharing your glorified version of motherhood, meanwhile more and more kids are getting drunk younger, getting access to porn younger…as we live our perfect facebook lives….

      1. Thank you! I’ve been tweeting this since Monday. Many of the people ‘LOL’ing missed the point. The whole of it. By a mile even. Biko doesn’t write stuff for the masses, you need to sit down and ask yourself, what is he really saying.

        Anyway.

  39. If man can wax lyrical about his cute daughter; on his blog, why can’t a woman post her stretch marks laced torso on facebook without being sarcastically ripped apart? School your self on equality Biko!

  40. Biko you are a blogger these mothers are not. You write about your little Zulu’s birth. They put up pictures of their little ones. What makes you different from them? Don’t be too judgmental.

    If you visit a mother at home you will see these same children whether you like it or not. Just the same way you will choose to visit their profile. If you go to someone’s home and find the mother or the children dirty you will write about that too. So do you think if they clean up that is considered pretending or accommodating for the visitor? To me its the they choose to only post their happy moments that’s their business.

    Let the social media mothers be. Last I checked the log off, deactivate, unfriend and unfollow buttons still work. You need to get your blood pressure checked. Life is simple some people like blue flowers other like yellow or pink or purple. We cant all live to your expectations. Hio tu! I am not yet even a mother and I thought this was a rubbish piece!

  41. I once asked about the baby bump pics. A lot of us seem to frown upon anyone when they upload skimpily-clad photos but have somehow managed to adapt to the idea of having a heavily pregnant woman taking photos semi-nude. This was a good read. Definitely tickled my funny bone as usual 🙂

  42. Great piece as always. It’s rather obvious that some people here are not familiar with Biko’s style of writing,hence ‘catching’ feelings!! Am a mummy of two and totally agree with Biko. Some of facebook friends are always shoving pictures/posts every two seconds(only the good things obviously) yet no one wants to talk about the lows of motherhood like depression and sleepless nights.

  43. @Biko, the Zimbabweans are gurus at this naming thing with first names like Takesure, Admire (which sometimes the owner of the name tries to make more appealing by pronouncing it Admirée) and last names like Muchbetter….

  44. ” Motherhood shall at all times be approached with sanguinity.” BiKO wacha bana “SANGUINITY” Hehehe. Kizungu yako inakua hatari daily!

  45. thanks Biko for this awesome tutorial…..just what i needed.on my way to become the world’s greatest Social Media Mum. now i know I can be successful at it. 🙂

  46. Great sarcasm as usual. Social media mums engage in this exhibitionist charade to seek validation of some sort. Or publicity. Honestly, a picture of a week old toddler is not pretty or cute. Babies should be raised a safe distance away from the public glare, unless you belong to the Royal family!
    Imagine that kid, twenty years later he is looking for a job. A background search on him by the potential employer will produce images of him soiling diapers on facebook and instagram. Not good. Not good at all.

  47. Biko, I usually like your work but I couldn’t even get to the end of this piece… it’s so judgey (I just made up that word). Let these mums be, everyone experiences and expresses love differently. Some want to share their experience with everyone, and some like you are more private. Chill out, if you don’t like their posts, unfollow them. But don’t tell women how to go about motherhood.

  48. hahahahahahaha! thank you Biko for another opportunity to hurt my ribs in laughter..i look forward to your future posts !
    Sincerely “social media newly wed ”
    🙂

    ps: Thank you for reminding us that we should never loose the ability to laugh at ourselves..

  49. Guilty as charged, i definitely am a perfect fit for this social media motherhood…i have a son Nolan (isnt the name exotic?), 1year 8months who is constantly on my timeline….i know a few friends who are haters, a few others who like my every comment (social media moms themselves) and the ‘others’. clearly am not about to relent, actually i have been thinking of starting a blog on motherhood….hmmm…lets toast to that thought Biko-sarcasm or not :-)))))

  50. Love this post….these women have become so annoying….It makes me feel like motherhood is so boring that all you do is seat in front of a computer or on your phone posting images and status updates…… like? wtf? You are supposed to have found your life’s purpose….. shouldnt it be beyond facebook?

  51. Strange how people love when others are being bashed ..hehehe. People should post the comments they are making here on those “friends” posts. I am sure the guys who are making us believe they cant stand the posts are the first to comment on how cute the babies look…

  52. The sarcasm in this killed it! You put into words what most of us are too afraid to say when we look at fb and see these social media mum posts. Always a good read, keep it up! 2thumps up!

  53. ”You have to fulfil your purpose on earth by showing how you participated in the procreation process and contributed to the longevity of mankind” so so bibilical, Genesis 1-28. Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” who said you have to be married.

  54. Biko, I finally have a parent who agrees that people move on, I had my first child when I in my early twenties. I hate birthday parties and such like activities where children scream their heads off. I was told many times that ” there was something wrong with me” as I was a mother. The truth is that your baby, “beautiful daughter or handsome son” is yours and yours alone. It is you as a parent who worries, disciplines or not, prays or not for your child. It is also sometimes that as a parent that you bury your child. Blocking or un-friending because one does not like your baby’s photo should never stop one from “gloating” about their child. Just take no offense if no one does not agree with you….

  55. Truth is, there are many eligible bachelors out there who can make good husbands and dads. Problem is ladies’ priorities. They would rather be clandes to old wazees whe are somewhat ‘established in life.’

  56. Very nicely written, however has it occur ed to you that , the feelings depicted on face book a re really real and not an act. Women will lament about baby stuff on more appropriate social media groups such as Hello Mama.
    Interesting piece, good writing skills.

  57. hehe, I know a guy who can get you into witness protection, otherwise them facebook moms will get you before you pen a piece on facebook dads(or rather sperm donors) hehe

  58. On a slightly different note, I have always wondered what a ‘celebrity mum’ means. Is she a celebrity because she is a mum or she happens to be a celebrity who is a mum or…..what is it (refer to True Love Nov 2014 edition p. 71)? Conversely, I rarely see celebrities who are dads being referred to as celebrity dads….

      1. Heheheh….I prefer to drop the word altogether……not worth its weight whisky….good piece women’s anatomy on p. 9?…..although you focused on one ‘b’ feature more than the other

  59. this piece is so well written. i just have to give it to you. im not sure why but the father is always missing in this updates…. whether single or in a relationship.
    then there is a change from baby sleeping straight to the pub in make up. dont they breastfeed in the middle of the night with a head scarf? do house chores in an apron?
    someone is lying to us here…..

  60. LOL! I’ve never seen this and I am so busted except the “too posh to push” and ” too bourgeoisie to breastfeed”… sooo very busted! Biko did Hello Mamas come after you?

  61. Haha! @Earthling? so how and why did I miss this?…I clearly blame it on my village tendencies where the closest baby has been to a showcase is with her cucu’s friends at the itega and the women at church over the holiday(Me thinks you need to do a part 2 of the village,non-digital mum) 🙂

  62. Biko yawa! eiiiiish! keep inspiring us ‘aspiring’ writers with these posts. on a scientific angle though, what you failed to mention or what the mothers themselves don’t understand is they are simply victims of endorphin addiction. Biochemically induced states of short term exhilaration from the likes and comments they receive with every post. Social media has turned to be their drug’, and hey, lets not be hypocrites here, we all have ours’. yours for example is getting recognition for your awesome writing skills. Oya clueless mothers, keep them coming, or keep us posted, haha, i for one get entertained on a daily basis.

  63. After a while, the comments and ‘likes’ will dwindle because people will have moved on with their lives, which means traffic, annoying bosses, stagnant careers, nosy landlords, boyfriends on blue pills, inquisitive mothers, erratic menstrual cycles, fishy boyfriends, unapproved pending leave, annoying pedicurists, decisions to go natural, the search for new diets, plans to travel around Asia to find oneself……You won’t believe it but people actually have lives outside your cute baby. But don’t be deterred, keep posting. ‘Like’ your own updates if you can. This is your time, sister. Your happiness is in your own hands.

  64. “”””from the word go. Those who express anything that isn’t in line with the necessary happy theme are un-friended for their negative energy. Those who comment asking who the baby-daddy is, are un-friended and immediately blocked.””””I was actually unfriended by a social media mum *hides*

  65. I was wondering why Biko would openly write about a Citizen TV journalist. Then I got to the comments and saw the date of this post. Now I am wondering if a Citizen TV journalist followed this script in handling her pregnancy and motherhood…

  66. 2016 is worse with imaginary after sex baby bump updates like “my baby bump at two seconds,#nauseamodeactivated #instababy#bumplove”.
    we don’t even need Churchill for comic relief anymore, social media provides loads of it every second.

  67. so true I feel like I have raised a couple of kids through instagram and facebook, I know such characters, can they take several seats pthoo!!! 😉 😉

  68. Haha so true!!now before i bumped into *leave a reply,I was looking for ‘sharing is sexy’ button.. Biko you nailed it! but again social media is all a facade.

  69. You have stepped on many toes! And I love it. I feel sorry for today’s kids. Their innocence is shattered by the very people who are supposed to shield them as they start their young with no apologies and they have no say about it… Its so sad!

  70. hahahaha…How come I missed this article. Probably one of those moments I avoid FB when its flooded with the super moms! I for one know a couple o’ such pips. woe unto you who’s still single and childless….your duty if you choose to accept it is to “like, like like” and comment…. After all you’ve not experienced it have you?

    The Facebook lovers though, those are just the worst!
    Sigh 🙁

  71. eehee. ..hio kalamu nakununulia tena leo nenda kapeane urudi bila. ..
    naam mama. .
    hahaha. ..This can’t qualify for extreme irony or sarcasm (I’ve forgotten the actual word for that) coz it’s true and funny to a considerable level. very entertaining though. and yes the craze for maasai names doesn’t stop. .my nowadays favourites. ..siamanta for a girl and saiyanka for boys. exotic. almost Mexican or Spanish. ..

  72. You want a private room, with a private doctor, but you want the whole world to know about this privacy. Loool!! How did I not read this the first time round?

  73. Hmm, i am still trying to wrap my head around the concept of elective c- section. I give it up to women who decide to have it,they are strong. I would give my all to have a normal delivery because my experience with emergency CS has left me bruised for life.

  74. And to think that I was feeling guilty coz of not over posting pics of my children every other month eeeh! I actually thought ni marafiki wangu wamefika child-giving age and I started early but nowBiko has made me realize it’s the pressures of life Diana I think Biko fits in his own shoes quite well. He replaced and moved on bana. I am in hello mama and not all of us are angry and bitter yawa! Heading to Google now, I need a Senegalese name for my next tots!!

  75. I get the article, I get the underlying message. But you failed to examine what would happen to this women if they posted that they are tired and don’t want to do it anymore. Or if they disclosed that they lock their child in a room and let them cry because they are tired and working on 3 hours of sleep a night. Or that they need a break just for a month. We would label them as bad mothers ” what kind of mother doesn’t feel sympathy for their crying kid” , why don’t you want to spend time with your kid anymore it’s only been 4 months.
    Mother’s are expected by society to be happy about mother hood whether it’s making you want to hang yourself or not. Women are regarded as weak before mother hood but after, they are expected to be the strongest people in the world. And so women, mothers, play the part. They stay in bad marriages because you don’t want to be the demon who’s letting your kids grow up without a father. It’s sad what we do to mothers. We treat them like robots, crap. But we all know the human race would go extinct if they refused to get pregnant.
    I’m not a mother, I’ve never even seen it as part of the plan. But I can empathize with the burden we as a society put on them. They are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Mother hood I imagine is the toughest job on earth. I’d say parent hood but we all know the world doesn’t view fathers as primary care givers but for heavens sake let’s not act like motherhood is not the closest thing to being a god, literally creating and nurturing a life inside you its nothing short of glory!
    I can just imagine if a mother posted that she’s not breastfeeding anymore because her breasts are beginning to say. We would call her a vain demon, but men wouldn’t even breasts feed if they thought it would make their balls sag! We put so much on this beings who are extremely vital to our survival as a human race.
    Social media has just amplified what we have done to mothers for centuries, make them feel like they have to act super happy for us to believe they really love motherhood. We did this to them.

  76. And one more thing I have a friend who recently gave birth and everyday she carries 6 extra outfits incase her young one gets herself a little dirty playing with other kids because dare she be seen with a dirty child, the stares and judgment for being a bad mother while in fact we know kids at 2 years old get extremely dirty playing. But we want mothers to maintain the image of everything is clean and fine and happy .
    We do this to them and then ridicule them for doing it. It’s weird.

  77. Biko… Don’t know exactly who the post was taking a stab at ( as general as you appear to make it look) but the message was well packaged and the delivery was just flawless.

  78. I know it’s already 2017 but I just had to comment.
    The article is so funny but it’s a really sad situation when mothers are looking for some kind of validation online